Life Or Something Like It

WTF???

2012-01-20T19:33:00.000-05:00

Ok seriously, I know that it has been a bit since I have blogged - the fact that I know longer have a computer hinders my creativity - but for crying out loud, that does not give anyone the right to hijack my blog. Since I ended a "friendship" some months ago, everything electronic has been hacked. WTF???? This person claims to love me, yet all he/she does is make my life a living hell. This my former pal, is anything BUT love. GAH. In other news, Landon is beyond awesome. He looks like my Dad, and I find a certain peace in that. I wish that my Dad were here to see him, but this is the next best thing. I can't wait for my Dad's sister to meet him. He is walking, just beginning to talk - WOW - is his new word. I keep telling Shawn that I love this little boy beyond anything that I can explain, express, more that I ever thought possible. He still takes my breath away every time that I see him. How incredible is that?? Jessica just turned 17 and in the next few weeks we will be shopping for prom dresses. I am still in denial. My baby is almost finished high school. She is doing remarkably well, in every way. She is healthy, and is on the honor roll. She wants to be a baker or chef when she graduates, and I could not be more proud. I miss this. Blogging, venting, dropping in to say hi. I miss my blog buddies and the sense of community that it gives me. I need to come back more often.

Cha cha cha I'm Back

2011-11-02T11:26:00.006-04:00

2011-09-12T00:09:00.000-04:00

It has been so long since I have written anything of depth, substance, or anything at all really.
There are many reasons for this lull. I can tell you, and myself that Landon has been occupying my time, or my many pets, my girls, crazy summer adventures, or something of the like are competing for my time. While this is true enough, the real problem isn't any of the above, or in truth, even my lack of a computer in our house. The real,honest to goodness truth is that my own brain is sabatoging me. I am very much medicated, see my shrink, and do what I can to ease the stress of my broken mond.
It just doesn't make a lick of difference.
I can not control my racing thoughts, the craziness that seems to not only follow me, but actually embraces me and threatens to strangle me in its hold.
There seems to be no escaping the madness that follows my every move, my every thought, my every breath. I don't know HOW to find my way out of this.
Not even writing is enjoyable or theraputic for me anymore. Most days I can barely put thoughts into real, full sentences, never mind find a way out of this dark hole that is hovering above me, waiting to swallow me.
I am lost, and wandering. My only hope is that something or someone finds me before it is too late.

2011-06-18T23:57:00.000-04:00

Happy Father's Day to all of the wonderful Dad's out there.
Special thoughts to all of you that have lost a Dad....

Just For Laughs

2011-06-10T16:39:00.002-04:00

2011-05-05T21:32:00.001-04:00

I am actually looking forward to Mother's Day this year. Not only is my daughter a new mom, I am a new Nana and I am speaking to my own Mum again after an 8 year estrangement. It still doesn't feel real sometimes - the Nana part, having a relationship with my Mum, having a daughter that is a mother. I guess that it is still sinking in.

I hope that all Mom's feel like this on Sunday and everyday.

Proof

2011-04-28T22:50:00.000-04:00

that I can bake and survive. Yes, I made these on my own, and they are 100% home made by me.

Oh, and they were incredible, if I do say so myself :)

EASTER!!!

2011-04-24T00:44:00.000-04:00

Here it is rhe eve before Easter morning and I still have baking to do, side dishes to plan, and floors to mop - after all, Landon will be here!

Happy Easter, Everyone!

Finally, The photos

2011-04-06T12:53:00.001-04:00

Our trip to Toronto was fabu. I have been meaning to download pics for a couple of weeks now, but a lost camera cord and spring cleaninghad me somewhat sidetracked.

We met so many wonderful people! Nicholas Brendan was not just sincere and sweet, but he was crazy ass funny. He blamed it on his medication for a throat infection, but we got the feeling that this was the real Nic. We learned many interesting things in the Q & A sesssion with him.

For instance, did you know that the age of consent in Spain is 13?

Also, he has a dog named Steven. Not Steve, Steven.

Alot of his character on Buffy was just him. It was more casting then acting. Another thing that both KC and I learned that we are by far NOT the biggest geeks out there. Convention or not, I can't imagine an adult dressing as an Avatar character - we are talking full body blue make up - or a Steam Punk with all of the regalia.

Oh, and another thing? Storm Troopers STILL freak me out.

Dustin Diamond was a very pleasant surprise! He was great. He was not the douche bag that most people think he is. He hugged us, told us some juicy inside bits about Saved By The Bell, and was just a nice guy. I really dig him.

Here we are at Dundas Square. If there is a protest, an impromtu concert, some sort of live action show, you will find it here. This was Elvis, I think, but he was blasting Johnny Cash songs. Whatever. He was awesome. He was there for at aleast two days in a row.

I was also offered a free bag of limes (courtesy of The City Of Toronto), which I declined, but later regretted,. KC bought a mini Butter Finger for 27 cents,for some cause or other.

This was the breath taking view from our 22nd floor hotel room. You can see the water, but most of the view was a construction site that was closed down for the weekend. Still, the water quiets my soul, and gives me a feeling of peace....I was quite happy there.

This is one of my favourite photos. KC and Claire Kramer. You may know her as Courtney from Bring It On, or Glory from Buffy.
She is one the one the highlights of our trip.
We had to wait in line to see her, and the man in front of us was special needs. He took up about 15 minutes of her time, taking pic after pic, gifting her with Avon jewelry, and repeating the same thing - again and again. She not only took the time to to actually listen to this guy, she posed, happily, for about 20 different photos. She was so patient and kind that I not only immeadiately liked her. I respected her for her treatment of a man that most people would have ignored or dealt with quickly.
She rocked.

Honestly? That trip wiped my ass out. We got home late Sunday night and I spent most of Monday sleeping. It was my first big expedition since I got sick, and I realized that everything must be done in moderation. (Not a word that is normally in my vocabulary). I need to get out more, exercise, be active, but this was like a whirl wind of activity.

Hopefully I will be more prepared for our next trip. It will warmer by then, and Dundas Square will be a hive of activity. I can only imagine what is in store for us...

Whisked Away

2011-03-27T23:45:00.000-04:00

Last weekend my eldest daughter and I boarded the Greyhound and took a mini vacation to the big city of Toronto. We spent two nights at a 4 Star hotel on the 22nd floor.

KC and I rubbed elbows with celebrities and spent some quality time window shopping.I can't resist The Disney Store, and now I have a little one to buy for. I am so looking forward to the day that I can take Landon shopping there with me.

This week is all about spring cleaning. We have cleared about 6 garbage bags and at least as many boxes out of the basement. It's a big freaking deal for me, cuz, although I am not a hoarder, I really could be. I hang on to things, to compensate, I suppose, for all of the loss in my life. That's what Dr. Phil would say anyway.

Life is the old boring thing otherwise, I am waiting for my next two nights away in June when KC head back to the big city to see New Kids On The Block and The Backstreet Boys. It's all good, you can laugh if you want, but I am counting the days!

2011-03-14T17:40:00.000-04:00

Tired. Tired of being walked on, used, and then being pushed aside when I can't do something 'useful.'

Tired and just plain done with the bullshit.

2011-03-13T22:26:00.000-04:00

RETIRED HUSBAND

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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

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Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

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Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

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Dear Mrs. Harris,

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Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our? store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

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1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

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2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

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3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

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4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn

resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

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5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

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6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

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7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers

he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding

department to which twenty children obliged.

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8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,

'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

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9.. September 4 : Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

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10. September 10 : While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

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11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

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12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

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13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

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14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

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And last, but not least:

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15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Family Friday :Birthdays, Baby, and Cakes

2011-03-04T10:41:00.000-05:00

2011-02-22T21:51:00.002-05:00

Still here, just having computer problems.

Going to go catch up with everyone right now.

click here to see what the doctor said

2011-02-03T23:37:00.000-05:00

Scared

2011-02-02T11:35:00.000-05:00

If you have medical tests done and the doctor won't give you the results over the phone, does that mean that it is bad news???

Family Friday - Week Four - Lola and Bruno Turn TWO

2011-01-28T00:26:00.000-05:00

Lola and Bruno are TWO! Can you believe it?

As you can see, Bruno is a pretty relaxed guy. Here he is just chillin on the sofa with Raj, our kitten.

Lola. on the other hand, is living large in her fancy glasses.

I know that some people don't think of their pets as part of the family, but in our house, they are very much family. I would be lost without my bad little pups.

Happy Birthday to Lola, Molly Bella, Darby, Mia, and Bruno.

Landon is 2 Months Old

2011-01-25T20:04:00.000-05:00

I am still in awe of this silly, smilely, laughing little boy.
Love :)

Family Friday Week 3 Brotherly Love

2011-01-21T20:00:00.000-05:00

Steve and Biddie.
June 1970.

2011-01-19T22:54:00.002-05:00

Go Ahead, Make My Day

2011-01-18T17:49:00.001-05:00

I had an appointment with my doctor today and I met a very sweet girl in the waiting room.

She thought that I was 26 and I was (obviously) way too young to be a grandma.

Also, she liked my hair, which I not only washed but also brushed today.

Hey, it's my story and I can tell it the way that I want to :)

Ch-Changes

2011-01-16T22:52:00.004-05:00

Life can be strange.

Just when you think things are one way, something happens to pull the rug out from under you.

KC has moved out again and I am no longer considered eligible for disability.

Ain't that a kicker?

I have sent out some invites to a new blog. If I missed you on the invitation list, let me know and I will make sure that you can visit me at my new place. I will sort things out there. (Click on the post title to be redircted if you are singed in)

Family Friday - Week Two

2011-01-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

This lovely lady with the big smile is my grandmother, who will be 90 in 2 short months. She travelled to Kayla's baby shower all the way from the Windsor area to be at the shower.

I think it is amazing that I, as a granmother, still have MY grandmother. How lucky am I?

2011-01-12T21:44:00.000-05:00

You have to wonder about someone that is so obsessed with another person that they just can not let them go. Someone that is so hung up on an ex that they must follow that person's every move, find ways to insert themselves into the lives of the very person (people) that they profess to detest.

I have one of these followers. He is (in my opinion) insane. Ok, maybe not clinically insane, but off kilter at the very least.

All I can hope is that this nut bar finds a new hobby, or better yet, he is finally called out for his bizarre and malicious behaviour.

Your time is coming, Goof Boots.

2011-01-11T00:29:00.000-05:00

I am still working on my relationship with my Mum, and most days I feel as though we are communicating the way that I have always wanted to. It has been a long time since we have spent any real time together and it has been more than 20 years since I have I gone back to Nova Scotia, the place that I consider to be my home.

I may regret this, and I may change my mind, heck, I may not be able to afford it, but my plan is to see the ocean this summer.

Yup, watch out Halifax, here I come!

My Laughing Boy

2011-01-08T23:52:00.000-05:00

This is what/who gets me up everyday. My Kayla, and my laughing boy. I am going through some stuff that is reallly affecting my mental healthand I don't know how to cope. I long talk with my Mum helped, a bit. An email from my brother may have helped to clear things up, but closer to home, things are for the birds.

I don't know what I am going to do to make things better. I don't know how I will cope.

I will be around.......

Introducing

2011-01-07T02:30:00.003-05:00

..............Family Friday.

Ok, maybe the name is lame, but I like the concept. Fridays will be all about family and this week I am starting with

Landon Matthew, of course. This is one of my new favourite photos of him. He is snuggled in his Mommy's baby blanket, which belonged to KC first. This blanket has been loved.

This photo takes me back 20 years to when his momma was just about this size.

So there you have Family Friday Week One:

Landon and the baby blanket.

I think that I am going to like Fridays :)

2011-01-05T19:11:00.000-05:00

Worst motel EVER.

Happy New Year. 2011

2010-12-31T17:09:00.002-05:00

There are mere hours left until we start a new year - a new decade - and I am actually looking forward to a new year rather than facing it with dread.
I can remember New Year's Eve as we bid farewell to the 70's. My brother, his bff, a bottle of coke and Dick Clark. I had no idea that the new decade would bring so many changes and heart break. I was 11 years old and thought that life was all unicorns and lollipops.
I can recall heading into the 90's (with husband #1) and the new millennium (with #2).
This year, maybe because I am with husband #3 (third time is the charm) or because I have a brand spanking new adorable grandson, I am feeling remarkably positive about this new decade.
Who am I fooling? It is probably the meds :)
Whatever the case, I am spending time with my family tonight and then having a buffet dinner with more loved ones tomorrow. I can't think of a better way to start the new year.

Happy New Year, friends. See you in 2011!

New Year, New Resolutions

2010-12-28T15:19:00.002-05:00

I try not make New Year's Resolutions, because, honestly, I never stick with them. Oh you know, the first day, or maybe even week, I do my best to follow my self imposed new rules. Eventually, since they are self imposed, I usually decide to break my own rules and give up.
This year, I am only making one - to get back into the blog world and start writing again.
It doesn't have to be epic, it just has to be me writing my thoughts, my dreams, about my dull ass life, whatever.
Writing is something that doesn't come easily to me anymore. I am not sure if it is the racing thoughts that come with my bi polar/anxiety mood disorder, or the meds that I take for the disorder. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Still, I need to write. The words, thoughts, the urge, is a part of me that I need to acknowledge. So, 2011 will see more of me, my moods, my kids, grandkid, my life in general. I hope that my old friends will be back and I will make some new ones along the way. Christmas Day, Cody, Kayla and Landon. The new family.

Lola, playing in the wrapping paper. Even the pets had a good Christmas.

I LOVE this! I found this Sesame Street Play'n Go Rider. It was brand new, in the box, circa 1986. It will be a little while before Landon can actually ride it, but I can admire it in the meantime.

Christmas was incredible. I don't know if there is anything better (for me) then spending time with my family, eating, laughing, and enjoying each others' company. Maybe that will be my second New Year's Resolution. More time spent with family. That one should be easy enough to keep :)

Happy Birthday, Sweet 16

2010-12-16T12:40:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday, Jessica Lynn. How serendipitous that you are turning 16 on the 16th of December. This is going to be a great year for you, I just know it.

You have brought my life moments of profound joy and uncountable hours of laughter, amazement, and sheer happiness. Your birth enriched the lives of many people, more than you may know.

I have loved you since the day that you were no more than a thought. I have seen you struggle with your health and other issues and you have never complained. I am proud beyond words and my love is deeper than the vastest oceans and seas.

You are my Molly Dolly, my Jesser, my Noodle.

Happy Birthday, my sweet 16.

dear asshats

2010-12-15T23:17:00.002-05:00

Dear Stalker-Hacker-Asshat:
You have been hacking into my accounts and using my name for years now. It will not stop me from blogging, speaking my mind, and being the real Bridget Steeves (Allen) Biddie(girl).
There are many other pastimes that you might enjoy equally as much..With your stunning intellect, I suggest starting with something simple - like counting your fingers and watching the Tree House channel.
Mind your own business, take care of your own kids, worry about your own life and stay out of mine.
Thank you-
Biddie

2010-12-14T00:32:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU

I know that I am a Nana now, but I can't help loving this song.

2010-12-06T23:51:00.002-05:00

This is what has been happening in my life the past (almost) 2 weeks. This little guy with the messy head has stolen my heart.
He is the spitting image of his mom, yet he looks like his dad, too. He also resembles my Dad - not in a Benjamin Button way - but rather he looks like my father did when he was young.
Landon (or Lando, as I call him) changed my world. He has changed the world of many people, I suspect. He brought joy to Shawn's mom on Sunday when he was the guest of honour at Oma's birthday party.
Seriously, it was like a celebrity was in the house. He is slowly making friends with his cousin Ryder, who at a year and a half, is not quite ready to pass the 'baby' torch. At one point, Ryder was showing everyone his finger, where Landon had bitten him in an unprovoked attack.
Kayla is doing an imcredible job as mommy. I am so proud of her.

There is more to my life than just Landon, though.

Jessica turns 16 on the 16 th. She does not want a party, or any kind of fuss. I still haven't decided what to get her, and her big day is quickly approaching.
Christmas is just around the corner too and *gasp* my village is nowhere to be seen. It is still in the basement, gathering dust.

This Nana gig takes more time then I ever thought that it would, but I am loving every minute of it!

Life in Photos, Wednesday, November 24

2010-11-24T21:34:00.003-05:00

Meet my grandson, Landon, and his mom and dad. He is about one hour old here.

You can still see the marks from the forceps, but otherwise? Perfect!

Landon meeting his great grandma Lynn.

Mommy and Baby. What could be more beautiful.

Sunday, In Photos.

2010-11-23T01:09:00.002-05:00

This is my Kayla on November 21 st, at her babyshower. She is uncomfortable, and tired, and in this photo, overwhelmed and overheated. She still looks great to me. This is the million dollar cake that we bought to feed the guests and welcome our newest family memeber. He will be here soon, I just know it.

This beautiful lady is my grandmother, Kayla`s great grandmother, Landon`s great, GREAT grandmother. She travelled 3 hours to be here with us.

It was a crazy, busy, funtastic day. Now, it feels really real!

The Final Countdown.

2010-11-07T01:22:00.003-05:00

I can hardly believe that I have about 4 weeks until the wee one arrives. I look back on the past few months with awe. At times the days passed soo slowly, and yet suddenly, here we are, just a few weeks shy of Landon's arrival.
Kayla has been feeling fine - well, if fine is huge and tired - and is so ready to hold her little one tight.
This child has been the catalyst for so much change and he is not even here yet. I credit Landon for giving me the strength to call my Mum and tell her that she was going to be a great grandma. We had not spoken in years and even though I had a lot of anger towards her, all I really wanted was her love and approval.
I am sad to say that we wasted so many years, but beyond happy to tell you that we finally have what is shaping up to be a 'normal' relationship. At 41, and a month away from becoming a grandmother, I have my own mother in my life.
As for my step mother...I doubt if she even knows that Kayla is expecting. Oh, who am I kidding? Everyone has facebook and she has probably heard the news. I have not heard from her, though, and honestly? I am good with that. Sometimes you have to slough off the crap, and that is what I am doing.
It's not about anger anymore. I just don't see what she or any of the others from that side of the 'family' have to offer to my kids, or my grandson for that matter.
I only want positive people in Landon's life, so I guess that leaves Mission Mary out in the cold.

My sister in law was here last month and I think that she may have seen a little bit of the 'real' me. I can hide my crazy ass ways when people only see me at family gatherings, or for small periods of time. My SIL actually spent two nights here. Gah.
I love her so much and she is just about the sweetest person that I know. We have silly fun days out at the second hand stores or just hanging at the house. I mean, she is awesome.
And I was stressed beyond the max. I sleep schedules are all screwed up, I can barely function like a person should - cooking, cleaning, all of that - and I am a big moody mess sometimes. I hope that her stay wasn't marred by my mental madness.

Jessica will be 16 next month, right about the time that Landon is due. I want to make a big deal out of her sweet sixteen, but the timing could not be worse. You never know with Jess anyway. She may very well prefer a quiet night with her boyfriend to a big party and all of that hoopla.

Speaking of grandmothers and hoopla - it is getting too late for this old lady.
Talk to ya'll soon.

Biddie x

2010-10-11T01:01:00.003-04:00

I just haven't felt like blogging recently. A couple of years ago it was a huge part of my life. While I still have the wonderful friends that I found through my blog, I don't share my daily goings on.
My depression has been deep and dark, for reasons known only to my misfiring brain. I do have some weighty issues on my mind, but that in itself is not the problem.
I find myself laying (lying??) awake at night, obsessing about so many different things. My heart is heavy at the thought that Kayla's childhood is gone. At 19 it was anyway, but this makes everything so final. It feels too soon, too fast, too much. Not the baby itself, but the way in which time passes.
On the other hand, I am rejoicing at the arrival of my grandson, who will be here in less then two months! I see little boys in strollers and my heart sings, knowing that soon enough I will have a wee little boy to hold and love.
Many of my days this past month or so have been spent in my room, on my bed. Not sleeping, but not not sleeping.
I am enjoying a healthier relationship with my Mum that ever before. I still watch what I say - I want to believe that this is all real, but I am cautious. I do love her, and now I can tell her that.
My sister in law is coming for a much anticipated visit. This gives me the kick in the ass that I need to get the house in order. Plus, she is just about the sweetest person that I know.
Ok, just babbling now. I had to write, just write something. For the first time in years I can actually read a book. Is that a side effect of sleeplessness and all of my morose moods?
If it is, then that is one less thing to complain about.

Biddie

What would YOU do for love?

2010-09-29T18:33:00.002-04:00

What would you do for love? Would you search 22 years for a sister that you had never met but loved just the same? Would you travel a thousand miles to be with her if she phoned you, crying, because she wanted to see you one more time before she died?
Would you fight off the panic, the anxiety, the terrror that you feel just thinking about getting on a plane and flying to another country, and actually do it?
Would you give your sister, a part of you? A lung, liver, anything that she needed to see her next birthday?

Maybe, just maybe, this is why we found each other. Maybe, just maybe, I was born to do this.

All I know is, I have to try.
I love my sister too much not to.

Bi My Sci Fi Con

2010-08-31T19:35:00.004-04:00

The main reason for our trip this year was this guy, James Marsters. You know, Spike from BTVS. We had a couple of sightings, but, we never actually got to meet him.

Any of you 'Supernatural' fans out there?? Well, here it is, Dean's car. Sadly, there was no Dean, and no Sam. Now this guy made my day. Ernest Borgnine. He is 93. Can you believe that sh*t? He was in the original Posiedon, Marty, Airwolf, and the younger fans might know him from Sponge Bob. He is the voice of MerMan. He was a true gentleman, and I was honoured to have met him.

This is a bit blurry cuz we were on the move, but that is Darth Vader using the ATM.

Kayla got to meet Adam West. We did get an autographed photo, but his security guard wasn't letting anyone with a camera near him. Surprisingly, I was not tongue tied and I did not freak out. I have loved Adam West my whole life. My brother and I actually broke a floor model tv playing "Batman and Robin" when we were kids.

Good times, good times.

No word yet on who will be there next year. Not that it relly matters, I am sure that we will once again line up two blocks away, fight our way through the crowds, pay too much for food and have the time of our lives.

2010-08-26T22:54:00.002-04:00

Glynne Gladstone.
Friend, confidante, laywer, and history maker.
You will be missed.

Baby Feet

2010-08-23T16:08:00.000-04:00

It's Like This

2010-08-22T01:13:00.002-04:00

Just a few random thoughts that are fluttering about in my head -

You have to be FATHER before you can be a GRANDfather. Think about it.

Some people are real bozo's when they booze. Put the beer/rum/vodka/whiskey DOWN and drink some water. You might like it.

Taking someone out to supper or making them a table in arts n crafts does NOT make up for years of neglect and/or abuse.

I have the best and coolest friends in the world.

Forgiveness can be a difficult and loong process. I am still working on it.

I may not be married in the conventional way - church-preacher-signed on the dotted line way, but I feel more married to Shawn than I ever did to Rudi or Geoff.

I hate, I mean HATE that I have all sorts of 'issues' that run my life.

I am so tired of explaining to people why I don't have a job. If it were your business, you would know and there would be no reason to ask.

My father has been gone for 11 years and I still dream about him almost every night.

My head is more cluttered than my house.

My blog buddies know me better than most of the people that are related to me, and I am ok with that.

2010-08-14T02:11:00.003-04:00

I saw my shrink today. It was a good visit - he gave me a whole 3 minutes or of his complete and undivided attention, before turning to his computer monitor and watching a video on YouTube.
I also had an interesting phone call this evening. A friend/family member that I have not heard from in quite some time called me out of the blue. This person and I were once very close, but metal illness (hers), divorce (mine) and physical distance all took its tool on our friendship.
She has been homeless at times, in care at others, and just plain lost. Mental illness messed her up but good....
When she called today she told me that she has a good relationship with her daughters, holds down a job at Wal-Mart, and was incredibly lucid and focused on the phone.
Or, so I thought....She went on to tell me about a Christmas with her family a few years back and that she made the dress herself.
Wonderful! Except for one thing.
It was a wedding dress...
I am not poking fun at her. I am honestly not. I just feel so awful for her and I am thanking my lucky stars that I am bi polar, and not suffering from a worse , more debilitating illness.
Jessica and I were at the ER twice in two days this week. She had an infection that spiked her blood sugar and made her feel all around just miserable. We got some anti biotics and headed off for home. The 2nd night, it a new problem, a new pain, and x rays.
It looks as though everything will be ok and the pain is temporary.
Thank goodness. I really didn't her to spend her last two weeks of vacay in the hospital.
Speaking of vacay - Two more weeks and us girls are off to the FAN EXPO!
William Shatner, Adam West, Burt Ward, James Marsters, AND the original Bat mobile from the TV series will be there.
I am one happy geek!
I know that I have been neglecting my blog buddies, and I promise to make my rounds in the next few days.
I have to see what you all have been doing!

2010-07-27T04:25:00.001-04:00

One of the many things that I hate about being bi polar - Sitting up at 4:26 am because my brain simply refuses to shut down for even a few moments.
Nothing like racing thoughts in the wee hours of the morning.
Bah.

Boy OH Boy!

2010-07-22T20:52:00.001-04:00

Well, the ultrasound was on Wednesday and we found out that Kayla is having a BOY!
I am one happy Nanie-to-be :)

2010-07-18T00:36:00.002-04:00

Once again I have neglected my blog. I just don't seem to have the drive to do much of anything these days. I am taking my meds and I see my shrink next month, but I am on a down swing, I guess.
Down swing or not, I hauled my butt out of bed at 6 am on Friday morning to go babysitting with Kayla. We weren't paid in cash, but traded a baby mattress for our work. It was worth it. We babysat a 2 1/2 year old energetic little boy. Did I say energetic? That would be an understatement to say the least.
Oh, did I also mention the rather large dog that was part of the arrangement? She was rather big - not heavy, but about 2 inches taller than Kayla while standing on her hind legs. Did I also mention that she was so protective of the boy that we could barely get in and out of his room? Even sharing my breakfast muffin only earned me about thismuch trust.
I had forgotten how your (my) body feels after lifting, running, and playing with a 2 year old for 6 hours.
My day was far from over after the day care portion. Oh no, KC and I had errands to run which can take hours when you are going by bus and foot power. Since our errands took us to the pharmacy directly across from Toys R Us, I had to stop in. With KC as an Auntie this baby will want for nothing, I can tell you that much.
Speaking of the baby, we will find in just a few more days if I will have a grand daughter or grandson. I am hoping for a girl, partly because will be named after my Nanie, the one that helped to raise me, my Dad's mom.
It doesn't matter either way. A boy will be loved just as much.

There is so much happening right now, aside from becoming a grandma. Shawn's health issues have not gotten any better, they are actually worse than ever. The pain treatments are living up to their name - it hurts like hell. He is not feeling any relief and we are struggling to make ends meet, never mind paying for these treatments that are so far doing nothing. Worse than nothing, really.
I am trying to stay positive, I honestly am. I just feel constantly overwhelmed and it seems as though my chest pain is always there, nagging and consistent.
The good news is that Kayla is doing well. She looks wonderful, and the baby is fine. KC is going to Nova Scotia at the end of the month for a week to visit my brother. I wish that I were going too, but this is the next best thing. Jessica got her report card and she not only passed everything, but she actually did quite well. I am so proud of her.

I know that there have been worse things happen to me - to my friends and family - but right now I can't deal. I am doing my best to look at what I have instead of what I don't, but it is becoming more difficult everyday.

2010-07-07T18:12:00.002-04:00

Today, I finally heard the baby's heartbeat.
It is so real now, and I am so in love with this little person that I haven't even met yet.
There will be another ultrsound on the 21 st and that will tell us if we are having a boy or a girl...Either way, I am love struck.

Did Ya Miss Me?

2010-06-28T02:20:00.003-04:00

Hell, yes! It has been 15 years since I last saw The Forgotten Rebels. The last time I went, I was almost 26, I had a year old baby at home, and KC was disappointed that she couldn't go with me. Yup that's my lil punk rock girl. She grew up listening to Adam Ant, Billy Idol, Stray Cats and The Forgotten Rebels.
How serendipitous was it that The Rebels just happened to be in K-Town on my 40+1 birthday? I was finally able to keep a loong ago promise to my first born.
We saw The Forgotten Rebels and they kicked ass! Speaking of kicking, how do like my new kicks? They were a birthday gift from KC along with the Rebels night out, and a ton of other things...New clothes, a night out at the movies....I was most definitely spoiled. Not like I am complaining :)

Lookie here. Another dream of KC's - she met the band members and had a photo op. Not such a big deal for me. I met them years ago when my brother was still in the punk scene,

That sweaty guy in the middle is Mickey DeSadest has been doing lead vocals since 1977. I tell ya, he still has it.

I LOVE this photo. It's perfect.

Of course, I can't go to a punk event without running into someone that remembers me, or more likely my brother. He was a real mover and shaker back in the day.

Here is KC standing between a very happy looking Dan and the Bass player, Shawn. Security no match for our womenly wiles. Just saying.

Lookit my girl. She blows my mind. So beautiful, so much fun.

My birthday was great. Kayla and Cody gave me gorgeous roses, and gift card for the movies. Shawn took me to get my hair done, I had a wild night out, my brother called, and my Mum called.

40+1 is off to a great start!

2010-06-23T01:48:00.002-04:00

Father's Day was interesting. Shawn loved all of his gifts, especially the 'Dad' coffee mug from Kayla and Jess and the 'Daddy's Girl' photo frame from KC. Or maybe he liked the new weed wacker best? I don't know..I think that the best part of the day was after the festivities were over.
Kayla and Cody left and about two hours later she phoned and asked if we were still up. She had forgotten something and she wanted to come back and get it. This was approx two hours after we had last seen her. She came back and she was showing. I mean, not the teeny little baby belly that has been sporting, but the baby popped out and she looks like a mom-to-be now.
Amazing.
KC took me to the movies on the 18th for an early birthday gift. Heidi came along and we saw The A-Team. I have been soo stoked to see it. I am sad to say, the movie was a disappointment. Oh, don't get me wrong, it was non stop action and it had me laughing out loud at times. The problem, as a fan of the original series, was, Murdoch.
The actor that played him was great, I just didn't but him as 'Howling Mad.'
Bradley Cooper, however, is a different story. He is just pretty enough to pull off Face. He's no Robert Downey Jr, but he is a cutie.
Liam Neeson as Hannibal, the character that George Peppard perfected? Not so much. I adored him in Taken, where he single handedly took on half of Paris to rescue his daughter. George Peppard worked with Audrey Hepburn, and then later went on to do the The A-Team. What kind of range is that?
Now B.A. I liked. He was just likable enough, not the one syllable spouting, chain wearing tough guy that Mr.T portrayed.
The next movie on my list is Toy Story 3.

My fourth blogiversary was on the 16th. Four years that have flown by as I have shared my life with friends around the world. I feel so blessed to have 'met' you all, and truthfully, I have Heidi to thank for it. She introduced to the wide world of blogging and I haven't looked back since.
Here's hoping for another fab four years!

Happy Dad's Day

2010-06-20T02:04:00.003-04:00

Happy Father's Day to all of the Dad's and Dad's to be out there!

This year is an extra cause for celebration because Shawn is going to be a grandfather, Cody is about to be a dad and I am once again speaking to my mom and step dad.

To honour the dad's in our family, we are heading over to the folks house for a bbq. Of course Shawn's dad will be there, but his cousin Atti from Hungary is here for a visit as well. We (the girls and I) have never met him, Shawn hasn't seen him since the 90's. I am nervous, but this should be fun.

My own Dad is not here - he passed away almost 11 years ago. I miss him, so, so, much, but I know that he is in a better place. No more pain, no struggles...

I choose to celebrate the fact that he was a womderful Dad, my best friend.

I hope that you all have a wonderful Father's Day. You deserve it.

New Look

2010-06-17T19:18:00.003-04:00

I pressed one too many buttons and my blog looks like this now. I think that it`s cute, but it took over an hour to find a lay out didn`t have words overlapping each other. Ugh.

Speaking of new looks, you know that it`s time to change your hair `style`when you start to look like Lou Feriggno as The Incredible Hulk.

Just sayin.

2010-06-16T22:43:00.005-04:00

I just got off of the phone with my Mum..I love saying that :) Things are going well, phone calls, emails,. and a possible visit with my step father in the next week or so. He is coming to Ontario to go on a fishing trip with an old friend.

Mum can't make it due to work obligations. She wants Jessica and I to visit this summer, but I don't know if we will be able to swing that financially. I would LOVE to go home for a visit, but I doubt that it will happen. Like I say every year, maybe next summer. The sci fi con is the last weekend in August and I don't want to miss that - Burt Ward and Adam West will be there and I already (almost) too excited to sleep.

KC, Kayla and I hit the movie theatre twice this past weekend. We saw Splice on Friday and then on Saturday night we went to see Sex and The City 2 with four of Shawn's sisters. We went out for drinks after (Kayla and I each had a Shirley Temple) and despite my misgivings I had a good time. I still don't know Shawn's oldest sister very well, and she makes a bit nervous, to be honest. Karin is close to my Mum's age, so she and Shawn weren't really raised together. In fact, he was about 7 before he knew that she was his sister. Lol. He thought that Karin was his moms sister.

The movie was better than expected and we all had fun. Shawn's sister Janet drove us home and she cracked us up with stories about when Shawn was younger. Janet is Ryder's grandma so she is pretty darn excited that Kayla is having a baby. She can't wait to help with the baby shower. I have to say, I like this new family dynamic. My family and Shawn's family repairing the fractures and supporting each other..Happy day.

Shawn went for his first pain management treatment. He got four needles - one in his lower back, two on his upper back and one on his inner thigh. I don't know much about much, but so far, it has only made the pain worse. He will need about 10 treatments before we know if it actually work for him, and that translates into about $300. That's a lot of money for something that may not work. I wish that I knew more about this whole process. The doctor has not been very forthcoming with the info. Infact, I would venture to say that this doc is a jerk. He gave Shawn one Rx for pain that we cannot afford - it is over $150 a month and it isn't covered. He called our inability to pay a 'social problem' and not his problem. That is only prescription that he will give us.

I just hope that this does work, cuz Shawn is suffering and he wants to be back on his feet.

The puppies are gone. Buddy came to get them a week after he promised to pick them up. I am biting my tongue over this whole thing...I feel taken adavantage of and it's best of I do stay silent. Nothing good will come of me sounding off on this guy when I still feel the way that I do.

So....that's all of the news, I guess. I am hoping to make it to the theatre again this upcoming week to see The A-Team. I don't need to tell you all how I feel about that, do I?

2010-06-10T00:59:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, my facebook status read something like this 'Do I have a kick me sign on my back?'
It was one of those days, ya know?
I got my cable bill and it had a staggering $200+ dollars in pay per view charges. Not just pay per view, but pay per view porn.
It would be funny as hell if weren't so freaking expensive.
My On Demand choice is almost always the free stuff - catching up on Glee, or Criminal Minds, with the odd documentary (Car For A Dollar) or 80's flick like Krush Groove. The lay out of our very small house is not exactly conducive to any kind of privacy, never mind the kind that you would need to watch some kind of nudity and actually enjoy it. I mean, that is the point, right?
As it turns out, our neighbours were able to steal our signal for over six weeks. (Now that I think about it, they did stay in a lot..Hmm) I didn't ask for any of the titles of the movies (the first rep that I spoke to was too embarrassed to read them) It really didn't matter, I know that the charges are not mine. Or Shawn's, or anyone else's in this house. If they had been my charges, I would have just paid them. I would have been too humiliated to argue....
Anyway, after being called a perv by the second rep that I spoke to, I was able to get the bill knocked down by $130 - which still leaves me out of pocket by the same amount.
We are puppy sitting this week, too. We had 4 gorgeous, tumbling, jumping, chewing, braying pups that are poop machines. Kayla's favourite went to her forever home last night. The other three (Kayla calls them brown boy, black boy, and Fun Puppy) are still here.
Why?
Well, that's a good question. The guy that dropped them off is MIA. Kidnapped? Drafted? Incarcerated? Lost?
I have no idea. Nobody has seen him in days and meanwhile I have three poop monsters crawling all over my floors.
I am at a loss. I love dogs, but I already have a whole pack of my own..
WHEN will I learn to just say no to people???

******************************************************************************************************
My Mum and I have spoken on a the phone a few more times and have exchanged lots of emails. (She lives in another province, so we won't be seeing each other any time soon).
I have been reflecting on the past and all of the years that we lost. I wish that I had a magic wand and I could do all of it over. I would call her on Mothers Day, even if I were angry. I would take back all of the awful, hateful words that I have spewed angrily at her. The hurt, the pain, it would all be gone.
I can't do that. There is nothing that any of us can do to change the past, so I am looking toward the future. I am putting my energy into being a good mom, wife, grandmother, daughter....
This tiny baby has changed so much for me, for my family.
I am so thankful. Kayla has given my Mum and I a chance to start again.
I never dreamed that I could have this bond with my mother.

2010-05-28T00:23:00.004-04:00

This is what had held my attention for the past few weeks. This teeny, tiny, incredible human being that less than 4 months ago was non existent. I mean think about it..There was no human, and there is - or will be - in five or six months.
In a few short months, I Biddie, will be a grandmother. Well, a Nanie, to be more precise.
Best Mothers Day gift, ever? Kayla telling me that she was giving me my first ever grandchild.
I seriously stoked. I can't wait until they place this little person in my arms and let me hold him(?). It feels like a million years away, yet I know that the days will fly by and he will be here before we know it.

Kristy and Jessica are over the moon. Kristy and I have already brought home bags and bags of baby clothes, socks, receiving blankets...Yet there is still so much more that we will need. I plan on being the number one babysitter so that Kayla can go back to work as soon as she is ready.
As for Kayla......She is scared. I mean, it IS scary, bringing a new life into the world and being responsible for that life for at least the next 18 years. It is also wonderful, and rewarding, and the best job that you will ever have.
I know that Kayla will be a wonderful mom, I just hope that I don't disappoint as a Nanie.

The other bit of news that has my head spinning? I got a phone call from my Mum, Betty, two nights ago. I had left a message on her answering machine, letting her know that she is going to be great Nanie. I thought that even if we weren't speaking, she still deserved to hear it from me, not second hand, or as a stream on facebook.
It was awkward at first, and there were many silences that broke our conversation up into nervous chit chat. Still, we spoke. To each other. Kindly, and with respect.
Then, before we hung up, she apologized. To me. For all of it..All of the wasted years, the sadness, the hurt. The best part?
I heard something that I have not heard since..well, I actually don't know how long it has been since she said those words to me.
I LOVE YOU.

Can life get any better???

2010-05-25T01:32:00.002-04:00

I seem to have disapeared again..Sorry. There is lots going on and soon I will be able to talk more about it. I promise.
I am just trying to wrap my head around some stuff right now.
I finally saw Iron Man 2. RDJ did not disappoint, and I am love with him all over again. KC and I spent most of the weekend together and we had soo much fun. We went shopping on Saturday and completely blew our budget, but I think that it was worth it. It has been oh so long since we have had that much fun.
Ok, it is getting late and tomorrow is going to be a crazy day. Big news soon, my friends, I promise!

2010-05-11T17:33:00.003-04:00

I just had to post this photo of my wee nephew, Ryder. I am so in love with this little guy.....

Best Mother's Day EVER

2010-05-10T02:01:00.001-04:00

That's all that I can say for now.
I am over the moon happy!

I Seem To Have A Situation Here...

2010-05-06T19:19:00.003-04:00

It's been a month since my last post. Wow. There is so much going on and so much that I want to tell, but the time isn't right. Not yet.
I can tell you that my cute as a button nephew turned ONE a few days back. He was so well behaved, even though he was all jacked up on sugar from the cake and birthday treats. I can't believe how quickly the first year flew by.
Shawn is finally going to see a pain specialist next week. We are praying that this doc can offer Shawn some hope for the future. Hope that he can live pain free - or at least have some kind of productive life. This last year or so have been hell for him. He misses work and the pain has gotten so bad that there is very little quality of life for him.
KC has a new job at a brand new dental practice is so far, thrilled. I find money to be a great motivator.
As for Geoff and Steff..For those of you that don't know, Geoff is my x husband - x number 2. He is the bio father of Jessica and he raised Kayla and KC. Anyway, it seems that Steff is so jealous of my 15 year old that when Jess phoned Geoff a couple of months back, she was told (and I quote)
Don't bother calling here anymore..He has a new family now.
This, of course reduced Jessica to tears, which of course, enraged me.
I just don't understand. HOW does a person walk away from their own child? What kind of a person is capable of that?
SIGH.
It's a mystery that I may never know the answer to.
In other news, Kayla and I saw the new Nightmare On Elm Street. I really just didn't buy a former child star as the evil child killer, Freddie Kruger. No Robert Englund, no fans in this house.
Iron Man 2 is coming out at MIDNIGHT.
Gah!
RDJ at his finest. I. Can. NOT. Wait.
Just saying.
Oh, and one more thing.
WTF is going on with LOST?
Sayid, Jin and Sun are all - dead?
I hope that the weird flash sideways thing is going to show us that they are living happily ever after, somewhere.

Let It All Out

2010-04-06T18:09:00.000-04:00

These are the things that I can do without -

Geoff, Steff and their never ending shit. Yeah, I seldom even mention them because for the most part they are but a blip on my radar until they screw with one of my kids.

Seriously, I just want to SHOUT.

Another Week

2010-03-12T20:46:00.002-05:00

I am such a slacker. Another week gone and I have barely been around. Three birthdays in 8 days does make for a busy schedule, but still, I am a slacker, grade A.

This is my wee nephew Ryder, all growed up at 9 months. Isn't he the sweetest lil guy? I seriously do not get to see him often enough, but who knows what the spring weather may hold for us. With our family friendly yard and swing set I just may get more lil guy time yet.

Speaking of nephew, I am over the moon happy because my nephew/Godson has been for the past two weekends in a row.

He is slightly more growed up that Ryder - Chris is 22. I have missed him more than you wold even think humanly possible. Oh, and please don't tell Chris that - I will never live it down.

It is like part of my heart is finally healing...All 0f those empty holes left by the passing of my Dad, the disappearing act of my my many moms..I love the playful banter between Chris and the girls. They may not admitt it, but they have missed him too.

No news is good news I sppose when it comes to Shawn and his leg. First of all, over a year ago, the doc said that Shawn was NOT in pain and there was no possible way that he COULD be in pain..10 months and many tests later, it turns out that he is in pain and the family has no clue how to help Shawn with it..We are now waiting for yet another doctor to see what he/she can offer us. Anything will be better than living like this.

The next test on the agenda is a spinal tap. (Thank goodness, Shawn LOVES that movie).

So, that is that.

KC is acclimating well to her new environment. She adores her new 'attic' bedroom with her three feline room mates. I know she does, no matter what she may tell you.

Spencer is but an ugly memory in my mind now. I hope that soon enough, he will be in KC's mind as well.

2010-03-06T02:01:00.002-05:00

Life goes on, whether we want it to or not. My heart has been broken a million times over these past days. Most of it comes from watching my eldest go through her first, worst, break up ever.
I hate this.
The break up itself has been difficult enough. The move into a smaller home has us all jockeying for our own space and there truly is so little of it.
The worst, the very worst of all of this has been the breakdown of a family unit.What else can you call, really? We welcomed Spencer into our hearts and home, made him one of us.
It seems so unfair that Kayla has to give up her confidant and Jessica has now lost the closest think to an older brother that she has ever known.
Shawn has lost a fishing buddy, and Spencer has lost his father figure.
KC has lost all thst she has known for the last three years. The person that she loved lied, cheated and betrayed her in nearly every way possible. This is not a transgression that I take lightly....My daughters are my everything.
If there is one good that came of this it's that my daughter is back at home where she is cherished and loved for the wonderful woman that she is.

2010-02-26T20:44:00.004-05:00

I don't even know where to start. KC has moved back home, and I am good with that. We have always told her that she could come back home with us any time. So, this was the time.
Things had not being go well with her and Spencer, and they have decided that maybe they will be better apart. These things happen. They were both very young when they got involved, I think that Spencer was only 19 when KC moved in with him...
Shawn and I had an idea that thie relationship may not be forever (mostly due to thier young ages).
I have tried to stay neutral on this matter. The last thing that you want is to trash the ex only have the happy couple reunite. I doubt that is going to happen, so I am going to rant a wee bit.
This guy has grown up issues to deal with - unpaid bills, items that were purchased together need to be sorted, and maybe Spencer will have to put on big boy pants for 10 minutes so that KC can actually move on with her life.
I HATE this. Watching my kid, my girl, suffering because the person that she was with for 3 years has suddenly decided that he needs to be a kid again.
I am just effing angry. My kid deserves better, she should be feeling great about herself, not wondering what is wrong with her.
WHAT???
She is gorgeous, funny, well educated, personable, intellegent..The list goes on.
I just want to be able to fast forward through all of the pain that KC is in. I can't stand watching her anymore. She deserves respect and love, not this.
I'm sorry...I wanted to be able to say that I was ok with all of this, but the truth is, I think that I am almost as heartbroken as my daughter.

Mission Impossible

2010-02-21T02:11:00.002-05:00

We have three birthdays coming up..Shawn will be 40, Kayla will be 19 and KC will be 22. The girls asked for 'normal' things - movies, t shirts, purses, perfume. I can handle that. KC is easy as heck to shop for - she likes everything :)
Shawn, on the other hand, wants video games for the PlayStation. Not the PS3 that nobody ever plays anymore, but the PS1.
PlayStation ONE?
He might as well ask me to cook.

Has This Ever Happened To You....?

2010-02-17T00:51:00.002-05:00

Have you ever reached for a glass in the cupboard only to have it fall on your head? The cupboard, I mean, not the glass.
I thought not.

2010-02-10T14:34:00.003-05:00

Wow. Time is flying and I haven't been around much. There has been a lot going on, and my computer is still being wonky, so half of the time I can't blog, facebook or check messages anyway. Here's a quick update.

~ Shawn has another appointment tomorrow for a CT scan. I am keeping my fingers crossed that something actually comes of this..

~ Shawn's mother is STILL in the hospital. It has been over two weeks now and every day is the same thing - maybe tomorrow she can go home.

~ Shawn's screw guns were stolen, AGAIN, this time by a co worker and possibly a family member. Isn't that nice?

~ Someone that both Shawn and I have known for a loong time passed away last week. He was not exactly a friend of mine, but I did know him, and it just seemed so sudden. We are both still so shaken by it, ya know? So fast and unexpected, and whamo, here we are at the funeral home, again.

~ Kayla has a new job, and she is loving it. It is only part time, so she is looking for another job so that she can save for school.

~ Speaking of school, KC is now DONE and working for a dentist in Waterloo. She LOVES her job, and I am soo proud of her.

~ Jessica is still st her school, and that is where she will be staying. I had a meeting with a VP and a guidance counseller, and took Grandma Lynn along. She kept me calm and on track...The bottom line? Jessica's family doc wrote us a letter suggesting that she would do well in her current school and that moving to another might trigger stress and high blood sugar. I am beyond relieved. (Thank you Dr.D)

~ We got a new(ish) king size bed that is large enough for Shawn, the dogs, and me! It is heaven on earth!

Whoo hoo! I promise I will be heading over to visit you all soon :)

Dear Blogger................................

2010-02-01T23:19:00.005-05:00

Dear Blogger -

What a week! The puppy party was a smash hit, with all five of the babies, their new families and our mommy and daddy dogs here, it was insane, chaotic, and just plain wonderful.

I am fairly certain that Ruby remembered her pups. They all remembered us - mind you, we spent countless hours bottle feeding them while they were with us. They have all grown into well adjusted, loving, dogs.

Things even went well with my sisters in law and their husbands. I have to admit, this was a big deal for me. I always get nervous when I have to the whole 'Happy Homemaker' thing, but I pulled it off!

I think that we will make this an annual event. We have to - it was that much fun.

Shawn and I had an interesting group counselling session on Saturday afternoon. We signed up for this class as a way to get our toes wet, so to speak, and to see if this place is the place for us. Well, I can say without a doubt that this is NOT the right place for us, but I am still glad I went. Either way I see it as a step in the right direction, even if the lady in charge is a bit of a tree hugging share the love, come on gimme a hug type. Sweet lady, just not right for us. We are checking out another place next week and I am hoping that it will be a better fit.

Shawn's mother has been ill. She is diabetic, and now her kidneys are failing. The doctors seem to think that she may only need dialysis as a temporary measure, but I am skeptical. She is 86 ish and her health has been failing for some time.

I am doing my best to be there for Shawn, but this is a hard one for me. We all grieve differently, and in this way, his family is so very unlike mine. We (my girls, my Dad, Grandma Lynn) are all touchy feely gimme some sugar kind of folks. Shawn's family..? Not so much. I want so badly to throw my arms around his mother and hold her tight, but that is just not done.

Speaking of Shawn, we finally had that appointment that we were waiting for. It did not go well. For whatever reason, the family doc sent Shawn to a surgeon that specializes in tumors. Just not in orthopedics....So, off we go for more tests, and Shawn is feeling defeated. It seems as though no one is taking his pain seriously and I am frightened that no one ever will. I can never let Shawn know this, I am doing my best to stay strong. He has been there for me so many times, I need to do this. I NEED to be strong, there is no other option.

Saturday evening gave me an opportunity to pay it forward. My dearest, bestest friends ever were in town, dealing with a loss...So often I unable to actually BE there, cuz, you know, we don`t have a car and getting around ain`t easy.

It so great to see Miss Sally, even under the circumstances. My family and friends rock, and I am so beyond lucky to have them. I hope that they know that.

We also finally got our health cards, dealt with (boring) legal issues and the principal of Jessica`s school. She is hell bent on transferring Jess to a different school, despite the fact that the other school is way farther away, I would have to buy all new uniforms, and Jessica has been crying almost everyday over the stress of it. She LOVES her school, and her blood sugars have been bouncing around since all of this started. I wonder if Mrs. T.H really understands who she is dealing with here. I won`t let my daughter get bullied and she WILL be back for semester two. You can count on it.

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions and I am so relieved that it is finally OVER. I plan on doing nothing except hanging with my dogs and catching up on Lost.

I DID IT !

2010-01-23T14:48:00.001-05:00

I cleaned the kitchen without shedding ONE tear.
For those of you that know me, you will understnd why this is huge!

2010-01-19T14:38:00.002-05:00

I survived my harrowing ordeal last week - I lived to tell. Actually, I am not quite ready to talk about it. Talking about my stressors sometimes makes them larger than life. Shawn has his appointment coming up, and then there are various other appointments - the shrink, disability, nothing that should keep me up at night, but they do just the same.
I am ok. I will be ok. I just have to believe.
I have been trying to get out of the house more often, but it has been hard. The winter depresses me - well, obviously, I am depressed, but the winter deepens my dark moods. Plus, there is the whole cold weather part. Nobody feels like going out when you have to wait for the bus when it is -20 or lower outside.
Shawn and I did head out to the movies with KC and Spencer last week. We stopped at Chapters and our favourite toy/hobby shop. What could be a better evening for me?
It was fun, I don't see KC as often as I would like, and there has been no cash for anything like a night out recently, but I just had too get out.

The puppies are turning one on the 27th and we are having a puppy party on the 23rd. I know, I know, these are dogs, but my two sil's that adopted Molly and Chloe don't have two legged babies, and I love having the house full of puppies. I love the fact that I am close enough to some of my in laws to feel comfortable having them over to the house. This would never have happened a couple of years ago.
Shawn groan when I likened the reunion of the the dogs to the Dionne Quintuplets getting together. Lol. What can say? That's how my mind works :)

I had to post this shopping list. Cody actually found it several months ago when he was working at a grocery store. Can you all see what it says there?
I swear, you can not make this stuff up!

I Think I Can

2010-01-14T22:41:00.000-05:00

You know that feeling that you get in the pit of your stomache when something - anything - has you so beyond stressed that it is all that you can think of? That queasy, icky, feeling of dread that you get right before a big test, or a trip to the boss's (principal's) office?
Yup. I got it, and I can't shake it.
Something big is going down, alright, but it is something that I have zero amount of control over. So why do I obsess so much?
If I knew the answer to this than I would probably be working full time, I would sleep peacefully without a slew of doctor presrcibed happy pills. I could breathe deeply and step onto the bus alone, without my ipod, without coming up with some sort of escape plan in my head.
I wish that these simple actions were just that for me - simple - but every move that I make outside of these four walls must be carefully planned.
Where was I going with all of this? I have a thing tomorrow, and I am scared sh*tless. I HAVE to this, there is no choice.
I am going to put on my ipod, take some crazy pills, and lean very heavily on my support system - Shawn and Lynn.
I can do this.
I can.

59 Questions - Borrowed From Truth Monkey

2010-01-08T02:04:00.003-05:00

[1]What is your middle name? Colleen
2] What color is your mailbox? black
3] Are you available? Depends for what
4] Have you ever hit a deer? Nope, but I have never tried either
.[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? No, but I used to when I was kid and I had nightmares (still do) about the bridge collapsing and falling into the river.
[6] Are you taller than your mom? Nope
.[7] What curse do you say the most when you're pissed? The F word. of course, but I am trying to us other words, like fudge and stuff
[8] Are you God? To my dogs and cats I am

[9]What do you do to get over a broken heart? Sob, cry, mope, and let time work it;s magic. It takes me a looong time to heal
[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens? sure, who doesn`t?
[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now? My ankle..dang arthritis
12] Do you often cry during a movie? Like a cranky baby
. [13] Last text message you received? Couldn`t tell you
.[14] Who sent it? Proabaly one of my daughters
[15] Do you hate your life? No, but I wish that I could change a couple of things
[16] Do you get mad easily? Oh yes, but I am working on that too
17] Do you drink? Seldom
18] What is your biggest pet peeve? Only one? People who lie
[19] Are you cold? not right now
[20] Do any of your friends have kids? Oh yeah, lots of em

21] Who should pay on the first date? Depends...
[22] How many years older than you are you willing to date? I have never dated anyone older than me..They have always been my age or younger
[23] Do you have any friends? Not a lot, but the ones that I do have are beyond wonderful
[24] Do you have any mean friends? No way
25] What is the ugliest color in your opinion? Puce
[26] Have you ever dated someone who all your friends couldn't stand? Yup, I even married him
.[27] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously? No, but I have felt like getting toooo close to the edge, just to see what might happen
28] Have you ever contemplated suicide? Sadly, yes, but now I am happily medicated :)
.[29] Do you scratch your ears? Only when they itch
[30] Who was the last person to hug you? Shawn
.[31] What brand are the pants/jeans you're wearing right now? I am wearing blue jammie pants with penguins on them..not sure of the brand..The t shirt..MXM, maybe
[32] How tall are you? 5'6"
[33] What is the closest green object? a Kool Aid cup
[34] What is on your feet?nothing
[35] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents have named you? Not sure, but it would have been Irish - Sean, most likely
[36] If you could go back to any time period when would it be? I would love to go back to the 80`s, just for a day or two
.[37] Do you want to have kids? I already have three and they are all but grown now....
[38] What is your favorite color? purple
[39] Who is the friend you have that you thought you would never have? Jethro, cuz we grew up together and he was my brothers best friend..Now, he is like family to me :)
[40] Who do you hate the most right now? I`m sure that he knows who he is and why..If you read my blog than you will know who I mean
[41] What's your mother's middle name? Christina
.[42] What kind of car do you want? any that works
.[43] What is your favorite video game? tetris
44] Do you like your dad? Loved him more anything, but he has been gone ten years now.
[45] Do you have any TV shows on DVD? 21 Jump Street, The A-Team, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, My Name Is Earl, Supernatural, Reaper, Third Watch, Crossing Jordan, Without A Trace, Criminal Minds, Booker, Land Of The Lost, ABC Afterschool Specials, Nip Tuck, Dexter, Desperate Housewives, The Simpsons, V The Sopranos, Oz, Chips, The Brady Bunch,Charles In Charge It was a weak moment)...Possibly more
[46] Are you wearing make up? No.
.[47] Do you have a tattoo? One, in a place that most people will never see!
[48] Have you ever broken a pinata? Once or twice
[49] What time is it right now? 2:25 ish am
[50] Do you know how to draw? Sure, I KNOW how, but knowing and doing are two different things!
[51] Who loves orange soda? Jessica
[52] Who is your hero? My Dad
[53] Who did you last IM? Not a clue
[54] Do you work a lot of hours? My job is at home, so really it never ends
[55] Where were you 24 hours ago? In the living room
[56] Who was the last person that called you? My daughter KC
[57] Is there anything you regret? Lot`s of things..I try not to dwell on it though, too many what if`s will make you crazy
[58] Do you know where your family name originated from? Germany, Ireland, and Scotland[59] Animal that creeps you out? spiders, snakes, jelly fish..many more

Back To Reality

2010-01-04T17:06:00.003-05:00

I just can't believe how fast the holidays flew by this year. Jessica is already back at school and our tree has been down for days. The village is still up, of course. I will keep it up as long as possible, which is usually until someone drags the boxes up from the basement as a very subtle hint.

Christmas was beyond what I expected. Not in terms of gifts (which were scarce this year) but in every other way. Grandma Lynn was here for Christmas Day, along with Spencer and Cody. Shawn prepared a veritable feast, and we gorged ourselves on turkey and the fixings. KC actually made dessert this year, and it was incredible. Home made squares and macaroons.

We played Apples To Apples after dinner and laughed ourselves silly. These are the best part of the holidays for me. Time spent with family.

Shawn and I never forget that every year spent with ALL of our girls is a great holiday. It was only two years ago that Jessica spent her whole Christmas break in the hospital. Every year is a gift.

Boxing Day we spent with Heidi and her family. There was of course, another feast, this time we had ham and the fixings. Jessica and Bucky tried to out do each other with his new Bop It, and we played more Apples To Apples. I think that I may need an intervention, cuz we played again on New Years Day when we had our third holiday feast.

New Years Eve Kayla Cody Shawn and I took the bus to Shawn's parents house to hang out with his folks and a couple of his sisters. I'm glad that we went,and I am actually enjoying the time spent with his family, when a few short years ago spending time with them felt like a prison sentence. We have a long way, baby.

Molly (Bella), Ruby and Bumble's baby.

Bumble and his new glasses. He will let Kayla do anything to him, apparently.

Bruno and Lola found the warmest spot in the house.

Ruby and Bumbles babies are almost a year old. It seems like just yesterday that we were sitting up all night bottle feeding the wee lil pups and Ruby was sick. On the other hand, it feels like they have always been a part of our lives. Since two of Shawn's sisters and a cousin of mine have the other three pups, we get to see them now and again. It all worked out rather well, I think. The pups are all healthy, happy and in great homes. Molly and Darby (Bella and Chloe) live like princesses, since their moms don't have any two legged babies of their own. Even my two brothers in law that used to laugh at my small dogs are smitten with their dogs.

I have to admit, I am glad that 2009 is over. It was a tough year for so many people that I care about, with so many different transitions and challenges. I am definitely looking forward to a better and brighter 2010!

2009-12-24T21:16:00.002-05:00

Happy Holidays to all of my blog buddies. Hope you get all that your heart desires.

Biddie

Censored

2009-12-17T22:54:00.003-05:00

RelentlessUncaringDerangedIndividual.
That is who is trying to censor me.

I did say trying, right?
I will not be censored, by you, or anyone else. I will say this again, and I will try to use itsy bitsy teeny tiny words so that you understand. Canada, is a FREE country. We all have something called freedom of expression. That means, in a nutshell, that we can can express our views without the threat of persecution.

My opinion is that an individual that would take the time to print out a copy of all of my previous blog posts, a person that has that much time invested into a relationship that no long exisits
just may have more mental health issues than Sybil.

Again, this is strictly MY opinion.

It does strike me as odd that a person that insists that he is SO over me calls the police, Children's Aid, the girls school, my MIL, and anyone else that he can simpy to stay involved in my life. He says that he hates me, yet he reads my blog like the bible and just can't seem to leave me alone.
He is either hung up on me, or completely deranged.

When a person calls the authorities because a comment was left on his blog (non threatening, btw) and he is embarrassed, it is laughable. Sad, too, if you think about it.

If I were married to a man (or woman) that spent this much time persuing his/his ex, I would be GONE. Sloppy seconds are NOT my style.

I would also like to remind people that when you are estranged from your child(ren) making their loved ones unhappy and causing problems for the other parent rarely ever helps to bridge the gap.

Anyway, my life is pretty good. Not much money, scary doctors appointment coming up, and the job prospects aren't so great, either.

I do however, have a cute lil house, awesome friends, and all of my children are cared for and accounted for. Oh, and a Hubby that may not be perfect, but he is hung on ME, not some ghost from his past.

I really couldn't hope for more.

Christmas Carols

2009-12-10T21:38:00.001-05:00

Try it, you'll laugh :)

http://www.sundog.net/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf

2009-11-28T16:35:00.000-05:00

First words spoken by my Mum to me in years...
Thank you, I love you too.

A Mother Remembered

2009-11-24T21:54:00.004-05:00

My Mum is in town. Not Mission Mary, but Bio Betty, and her husband, Stan. I have known Stan since I was about 15 months old. I really can't remember a time without him in my life. Sort of . Most of my memories of either Betty or Stan are somewhat disjointed and fragmented. I can't really be certain about that day in pool was the same day that we went The African Lion Safari. When you are a wee kid and you miss your Mum, the days, hours and minutes seem endless. When you are apart the days feel like a run on sentence when you are missing her. Funny how our minds work when we are small. Mine still works differently then most, I think. I am convinced of it actually.

At any rate, my Mum is in town. I have not seen her in about 2 1/2 years, right around my 39 th birthday - or was it my 38th? Betty was in town for the funeral of her sister, my beloved Aunt Kaddy. We had numerous family get togethers - the funeral itself, the bbq's and reunions..I did try to speak with her once, but it just seemed to upset her more, so I refrained from any interaction with her - even when we sitting at a table for 5, with well, three other people.

Awkward.

I do love my Mum. She is a force of nature. Truly. Her temper is well known in the family, but what may not be equally as renowned is her compassion for her loved ones. Betty and Stan spend six solid weeks at the bedside of my Aunt Ferfie. Stan changed the bed sheets (and take my word for it when I say that my step father can change bed sheets faster, and better than any nurse of PSW out there). I also know that my Mum brews the best cuppa tea that you will ever drink. She can sew just about anything that she sets her mind too, using only the pattern in her minds eye. My girls have been the proud owners of many Halloween costumes made exclusively by Nannie. We still have fancy barbie doll quilts that were made by hand for a three year old KC. That three yr old is now almost 22 and can not bare to part with it.

I know just how she feels. I recently found a letter written to me by my Mum, in 1983. I was just 14 then, and I missed her tremendously.

It reads, in part:

Thanks for sending the geography test. You did really well. I'm so proud of you. Keep it up, dear. Also, keep sending your school work, I love to see it.

There it was, in black and blue, the words that I had longed to hear from her my whole life had been neatly tucked away in a hat box on my shelf..

but wait, there was more:

Thank God you are coming down in the summer. I miss you so much and you are so far away. I'm so lucky to have a daughter, especially one like you. We will spend so much time together. It will be just great. Now we both have something nice to look forward to.

and finally, the closing:

Well, Biddy girl, I must go now. Take care of yourself. Write soon. Don't forget, I love you.

Bye sweetheart,

Mum and Stan

26 years after than letter was written, we barely speak. My heart aches for her, and yet, she makes me so angry at times that I want to strangle her. The older that I get, the more I understand that so much of this is just growing pains. KC and I can fight like Tyson and Holyfield, but we have never missed a holiday, a birthday, Mothers Day...Kayla and I are more like cage fighters, and yet we still manage to laugh it off, even if does take a day or so.

I can't imagine my life without girls, all three of them. They drive me insane, make me laugh until I pee (I have been told that I am not alone in this, but I would never mention my Auntie by name). Sometimes I want to hide away from the world - and them, but the reality of it is - they are my world.

I wonder when Betty woke up and decided that she was moving on without me, and I wonder sometimes, if there is compass waiting to lead me to her.

My dear Uncle is gravely ill and on life support. Of course, Betty is here to help my Auntie, and I am sure that she will. I am equally as certain that she will ignore me as she always has.

This time, however, I will cling to the faded paper and the faded memories.

She may not recall the good times, but I do, and that may have to be enough.

Biddie Girl

2009-11-18T15:49:00.001-05:00

Sadness is more or less like a head cold -

With patience, it passes.

Barbara Kingslover

2009-11-16T14:44:00.003-05:00

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
- Mark Twain-

Keeping those words of wisdom in mind, I am (with the help of new found friends) adopting a family for Christmas. I`m not certain yet how I will do this..Shawn is still off of work, and we are struggling to pay our own bills and Christmas? I have no idea how I will pull that off for my family. My kids are older now though, and as long as we have a nice meal, I think that our Holiday will be complete. Not only that but my brother Steve is threatening to come see us early in the New Year.
Shawn had an appointment with a specialist on November 15 th - or so we thought. I should have checked the calendar earlier, because the 15 th was a Sunday.
Why were we confused? Maybe because the receptionist at the doctors office and Shawn`s doctor both told us that was the date. When we called last week to double check, we informed that the actual appointment was on the 2nd and we missed it.
Shawn had been waiting since April and this was more than just a disappointment. Initially, we were told that it would take another year to get in with the other doc. Thankfully, we will get in earlier, Feb 1 st. That still seems like a long way off but at least it isn`t a year away.
Instead of being pissed off, I am trying to focus on the positive - February is waay closer than November.
Life is alright otherwise. We are slowly getting settled, and I mean slowly. We still have boxes all over the main floor, and the shredded paper that we used for packing is multiplying. Seriously. It is everywhere. The dogs have it stuck to their paws and the cats seem to always have it hanging from their mouths. Lol.
The Christmas Village is still packed up. I am stumped about where to build it this year. I can`t even figure out where to put our tree. I have half a mind to put some of it Kayla and Jessica`s bathroom. Somehow, I doubt that they would approve.
Oh, I am thinking of doing some serious baking for the holidays too. I`ll let you
you know how that goes. Thank goodness we have the fire hall on speed dial.

Lest We Forget

2009-11-10T23:50:00.001-05:00

In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the dead.

Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow ,

Loved, and were loved, and now we lieIn Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

John Mc Crea

Just Another Boring Day

2009-11-07T16:55:00.003-05:00

Things I found during the move -
stocking stuffers from last Christmas that were apparently very well hidden
a way cool box of 'stuff ' that once belonged to my Dad
letters that Jessica wrote to Shawn and I when she went away to camp in Kentucky
a (preumably) human bone, that we promptly turned over to the authorities to be forensically tested.
I wonder if this is reason behind the many strange going - ons at the Duke Street house?

Is It Real?

2009-10-25T20:48:00.003-04:00

Since Halloween is nearly here I thought that I would post some of my favourite ghost photos (from the web). I can't say for certain if these photos are real, but you all know where I stand on the subject. I firmly believe in them. I have had numerous experiences through the years and living in this house has been an adventure in the paranormal. I can't honestly say that I am always comfortable here when I am alone, thanks in part to my own active imagination and to what I refer to as our 'Little Girl Ghost.'
She has been responsible for many, many strange occurrences....I can't even count the number of things that have gone missing, only to turn up somewhere odd. Like, for instance, the can opener turning up in the bathroom or something that you just put down disappearing almost in front of your eyes.
About a month ago, something happened that scared the life outta me. I wanted to blog about it, but I was (am) afraid that talking about these kinds of things, writing about, dwelling upon it can only make it worse.
I was getting the laundry off of the landing leading down to the basement. There is a small cupboard hanging on the wall above the landing, and a small shelf just below that. There are skates, and shoes, skipping ropes and bubble wands on the shelf and in the closet, and on the shelf. Nothing else. Tools, extension cords, building supplies are all kept in the basement.
Imagine my shock when I was hit across the head by a heavy piece of wood with rusty nails stuck in it. It hit me so hard that I was woozy. I actually thought for a split second that I was being mugged (on my laundry pile. Oh, the humiliation) or attacked by some intruder. When the fog cleared and I could focus my eyes again, all I found was this piece of lumber.
It didn't fall from the shelf. It was never on the shelf, or in the cupboard. Nobody could even tell me where the chunk of wood came from. It hit me flat across the head, too, and I narrowly avoided a mangled nail cutting me open. Instead, I got a nasty sliver on the back on my skull that gave me an equally nasty infection. Trust me, it was bad.
The very first month or so that we moved in weird things were happening. Cold spots. Whispers (I heard some last night). My dryer, which is nearly brand new and is in perfect working condition, has been known to turn off/on by itself.
The dogs absolutely will NOT go into the basement. Ever. They stand at the top of the stairs and cry while I do the laundry. Shawn actually got locked in the back room when there is no possible way to lock the door from the inside. It only locks on the outside, with one of those old fashioned slidey things.
The new house feels safe. I don't get that sick to my stomach feeling when I walk in, the way that I do here some days.
I will miss this little house. It holds a lot of wonderful memories for me - for all of us. KC has moved out, and the new house will probably never feel like home to her. Her bedroom is here, the late night Buffy-a-thons were here, Pork Chop is buried here, in this yard.
Hopefully, our Girly Ghost will stay here, too. We won't miss her.

Laugh For The Day

2009-10-20T19:32:00.003-04:00

Testicle Therapy -
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are still packing and purging, and as much as I hate the packing part, the purging feels good. I have given away every single thing that I haven't needed, from bags and bags of clothing, to furniture, to the fridge that we will no longer need.
The new place is coming along nicely. The kitchen cupboards are waiting to be painted, but the house is ready otherwise. Kayla has been playing happy homemaker and setting it up the way that she likes. I don't mind at all, that kid should be an interior decorator. Seriously.
I guess that I best get my butt in gear. I have so much left to do not much energy to do it.
Sigh..

All Growed Up

2009-10-13T13:23:00.000-04:00

Stuff

2009-10-07T13:28:00.003-04:00

So much to do, but it is windy and wet outside, so I am stalling. I am still in my nightie, thinking of things that need to be done instead of actually doing them.
Shawn and I decided to redo the kitchen cupboards at the new place. They are a hideous, sticky, greasy, 80's throw back mess. I have a feeling that I may have taken on a project that is bigger than it looks. There must be 25 years of ick on those cupboard doors. They need to be sandblasted or something before I can even think of painting. Yuck.
Kayla has been painting her butt off. The girls' tv room is now a light pink instead of an almost white. The owner had painted, but he painted over wallpaper and you could still see the border going around the room, under the watery white. Jessica is less than thrilled about pink, but it was a mistint, and half price. That makes pink my favourite colour of the moment.
Shawn and I spent half of the day yesterday waiting for the cable/phone guy to come by yesterday, only to find out at about noon that the appointment had been cancelled. We were only sitting in the new place for four hours. Actually, I spent most of that time hanging out on the only piece of furniture that we have there - an air mattress. Shawn did home improvements while we waited - like fixing the door casings, which were so off kilter that none of the doors closed properly.
Tomorrow will be an even busier day. Kayla is having her graduation ceremony! I have no idea why the high school holds the grad in October. It makes is infinitely more difficult for the grads that are attending college to come back. They always hold them on Thursdays, too.
Kayla doesn't want to dress up. She will be wearing a cap and gown, so she sees no need to put on anything fancy underneath, were nobody will ever see it. Lol. She is my girl, after all. I would like to buy her some new shoes, though. Converse, of course. No heels for my baby.
It seems like only yesterday that we were celebrating KC's graduation. I can still barely believe that she almost done her third year of college. (Well, she finished advertising and then went back for dental assisting). She is now doing her externship with our family dentist.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that Heidi and Jethro can make it...They are out of town packing up their own house, getting ready for a move of their own.
Grandma Lynn had knee surgery, and she is kicking ass with her recovery, but is still not quite ready for a night out. Kayla is so upset that Gramma can't make it..I can't even tell you how sad she is.
In more Kayla news, she asked me last night if I would be upset about Geoff being a part of her life again. Umm, no, not really, but I just know that he will not be able to make this commitment to her. It has been almost 10 years since our separation and subsequent divorce, and he has made zero effort to see his kids. I have not blocked him in any way, this has been his choice.
I know that Kayla is 18 now, but she wears her heart on her sleeve, and I will be heartbroken for her if this does not work out. I seriously doubt that it can. Geoff has a wife that makes life hell for everyone around her. There is not person in the family that likes her. In fact, most of the family refuses to even allow her into their homes. I hate that things have turned out this way.
I wanted things to be so different when we parted ways. I wanted the girls to have Geoff in their lives, but it just didn't work out that way.
Anyway, I don't know if I will ever be prepared to share celebrations with Geoff, but I have no problem with Kayla going out for coffee with him. I just hope and pray that it works out this time.
So, that's life in a nutshell. Jessica is doing well, she is tall and rosy cheeked, looking like a million bucks. We are knee deep in boxes and trying to purge the garbage that we don't need out of our lives. Easier said then done, in all reality.
Kayla will soon be an official high school graduate, we will be in a new home, with a fresh start, and hopefully life will get back to what passes as normal in our house.

Communication Breakdown

2009-10-01T22:19:00.003-04:00

I hate moving. No, I mean, I really detest it. Big time.
We have to be out of here by the 31st of this month. It is sneaking up on me and as usual, I am ill prepared.
We do have another place to call home. It is 3 bedrooms, with a den, and an en suite set up for our main floor master bedroom. The rent is more expensive, of course, but that is what you get when you rent a place with central air and a built in dishwasher. I'm not complaining about the rent, mind you. We looked at some really interesting houses before we found this one.
There was the house for $1400 a month. It was an old Victorian-type place with a large living room, rotting floorboards and no driveway. Not just a missing driveway, but no place to even stop your car to unload groceries. It was on a hill so steep that climbing the cement stairs would have been like climbing a ladder in an old musty barn. (Trust me, I know about these things).
There was another house on the same road, that was advertised as a 4 bedroom with a large yard. What the ad failed to mention was that the owner(s) wanted to keep the living room for their own use. A home office in what would have been MY home.
Oh, but that's not a problem, is it???
There was another place that was cute as a button. Sweet fenced in yard, huge shed (fort) and the bikers that lived next door? Oh not Lance Armstrong kinda bikers, but patch wearing, beer swilling, dirt bag kinda bikers. The garbage spilled out of the house and into the yard next door - our potential space. The home owner also wanted to use the shed (fort) and basement to store HIS stuff, so umm...where would mine go?
There was the 50's style bungalow on a quiet street with parking for 4 vehicles. Oh,and don't mind the guy in the basement.

Sigh..
You can see what I was up against when Kayla found the cute lil war time home on kijiji. I called one second after the listing posted. (No kidding, I really did) and made an appointment for the next day. I liked the hard wood floors and the fact that my wee lil nephew Ryder and my kinda sorta niece Claire would have room to play and run in the back yard. I loved the brand new bathrooms (BOTH of em!) and the fact that the fridge was huge and much newer than my own. The landlord seemed to be very professional, congenial, and easy to deal with. He even agreed to let us break our last months rent deposit up into three payments so that we could afford this move.
We signed the lease and we given the keys on the 19th of September...So, like a spazz, I actually moved a few things in. Just some basics - a couple of gallons of paint, rollers, paint trays, some bed linens (ready for the 1 st night without searching), food for Jessica, (always have to be prepared when you have a diabetic in the house), some new towels, etc.
Imagine my surprise when Kayla and I stopped by the house a few days ago to find all of stuff gone. Oh, wait, they left the brand new shower curtain behind. I guess that it wasn't the right style for someone...
Yup, it was all gone, the paint, my bedding, all of it. When Shawn called the landlord (after a frantic call from me) he was told that the land lord thought that it was all...garbage.

Huh?

Brand spanking new towels, paint, candles, everything except my bedding, still in the package was garbage?
So, of course, thinking that it was garbage, the food was eaten, the paint supplies were used, the candles went missing, and my king sized bed sheet was used as a drop cloth.

A drop cloth!

It has taken two days and several phone calls to get our things back. My bed sheet is still paint stained, the paint supplies are used, and the candles are open....oh, but I did get a brand new package of juice boxes, two bags of crackers and some potted Mums for the garden.

I am still seething.

This was nothing more than a blatant invasion of privacy, and, as far as I am concerned, a case of theft. We have already signed the lease and given the owner our money.
We are BROKE. I have $30 to my name and I have no way of paying for another house in the next 4 ish weeks. It would take weeks, at the very least, to get our money back in court ( I am reasonably certain that we would win in court..Sounds like theft is a lease breaker to me) but that does little to help us in the here and now.

I hope that this was some kind of fluke. I do. I want to get into this new home and make it my own. I just need my privacy and a sense of security. My mental health depends upon it.

I really, truly, hope that this was just a case of miscommunication and not a sign of things to come.

Craigslist - The Truth About Daisy

2009-09-18T16:56:00.002-04:00

I found this ad whilst perusing the ads on Craigslist. It is a real ad..Poor Daisy. I wonder where she is now.
The Truth about Daisy - ItalGreyhound/Chihuahua Mix 4 a Good Home.

Date: 2009-07-02, 8:37PM PDT
Okay, so I have tried to get rid of my dog like six times on craigslist over the past few weeks. I tried telling this story of woe about this adorable little dog and how I love her so much and how she was a rescue and all that. I explained that now with a 2 year old daughter it is just too much to have two dogs and how my family and I need to simplify cuase we live in a condo and life is hard -- so sad. All of this is pretty much true and I tried to make the language in my past postings as well without spilling the beans about what the real story is with this dog because if most people knew, there is no way they would take this little freak. Like I said, everything described above is for the most part true except for the part about me loving her so much; I don't. I hate her. And while many who meet her find her very adorable, the truth is, this dog is seriously problematic. So after having tried to post something nice about this dog in my attempt to rid myself of her, I am now going to just be brutally honest and hope that there is some freak out there who will find it an appealing prospect to own and care for a poo eating, garbage toppling, pill popping (literally a whole bottle of prescription pain killers), disrespectful, not trained at all, constantly under-foot, marginally violent, always surly, rarely happy, eating and begging machine. Below I have compiled a list which is only but a sampling of the things Daisy does regularly that makes her truly the worst dog I have ever owned. I would go into detail, but she is not worth the time. Daisy is the worst dog in part because she::
1. Eats poo -- baby (as in diaper -- see below), chicken, human, cat, dog, etc.
2. Drags poo -- as in she brings it inside, such as the diapers that used to end up shredded to pieces on our bed
3. Eats garbage -- Any trash can and its contents left in her reach will be toppled and destroyed 4. Opens the refrigerator -- I have to have a Velcro strap on it to keep her out otherwise she will open the door less than 30 seconds after I leave and eat everything in it
5. Is mean -- Simply put, she has no use for people, unless of course they have food
6. Will not die -- run over by a truck, $2,500 and 8 weeks of intensive recovery, run over by a Buick and rolled 7 times right in front of me then got up and ran to my car and hopped in the seat happy as a clam and no injuries
7. Rolls in dead animals -- Seals are her favorite it seems, but dead rotten earthworms are a close second place for her
8. Constantly, constantly, constantly begs -- I cannot write the word constantly enough to adequately make the point
9. Growls, threatens to attack and at times does -- Mainly tied to her small size and constant fear of being squashed, thankfully her teeth are dull as posts and her bite, which is rare, is harmless
10. Not at all obedient -- Will not sit, stay, or come (unless food is involved, but that is hopefully clear by now)
11. Picks fights she cannot finish -- This then puts our other dog at risk cause he goes out to protect her when she has cornered a cat, skunk (yes twice) or whatever else she comes across 12. Has serious gastrointestinal issues -- Primarily related to her constant begging and eating of garbage, scraps and poo
13. Injures self often -- In addition to the major issues mentioned above requiring surgery and extended medical care ($6-9K so far) she also has a bad leg which is just an ongoing thing that does not need to be addressed the vet says. I thought it fitting to stop at 13 given how unlucky I have been to have this dog in my life. These are just a few of the key flaws I could come up with off the top of my head. There are many more which I could list, but I am hungry and I need to cook my steak now. It is a steak that she will have no part of, I promise you this. So there it is. The truth about Daisy. I hate her guts. She has put me through hell in the past couple days especially and I am now at the point to where if I cannot find her a good home by Monday, I am taking her sorry fat ass to the pound and leaving her with a sizable donation to cover the pain and suffering that they will have to endure by accepting her. While I do very much hate this dog, I do love animals and don't want her to suffer. My daughter who is only 2 also loves her very much and I could not look her in the eye if I did not do a good job of finding this rotten wretch a home that I knew was going to at least care for her and make her comfortable. This is why the pound is my last option. You however, can be Daisy's hero. Save her from the life which I know I am in many ways at fault for creating. I know it is a life where she is not happy and my family and I certainly are not happier because of her. I know I should not have adopted her from that nice animal rescue in Filmore all those years ago. I should have put her in obedience school; should have, could have, would have, oh the regrets! boo hoo. Be that hero, in the words of Michael Jackson: Make that change. I dare you. If you can't take her, help me find some poor sap that will. Email me and I will get back to you. Pics are below. She is about 13 pounds and 9 years old. Walks okay on a leash -- at least she's got that going for her.
Location: Santa Barbara

2009-09-13T21:15:00.005-04:00

I just lost my post cuz Blogger ate it. Or something.
Sometimes, Blogger just plain sucks.

Also, I just saw Kanye West on the Much Music Video Awards. He is the biggest douchebag EVER.

2009-08-29T21:08:00.003-04:00

We are heartbroken. Tom Savini cancelled and Bruce Campbell was unreachable. There were tickets that you had to buy, to even get in line to get an autograph. It was $50. I expected it to be pricey, but good grief, I didn't think that I would have to take out a bank loan for the frigging thing. Obviously, since I didn't win the Bruce Campbell lottery, all I got were photos, I never got to meet him :(

All of the actors let you come right up and say hello, they will even chat with you. Nope, not Bruce. We did get to hang with Emma Caufield for a bit. She even let us take her photo - for free!

Check out Spock. How good does he look? Seriously.

I am bummed out about Bruce, but we still had a great time. I just can't help but wonder who will be there next year??

OMG

2009-08-28T13:59:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow is the fan expo in Toronto. KC, Spencer, Kayla, Jessica and I heading to The Big City to meet some of our fav celebs including Bruce Campbell, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer alumnus Emma Caufield.

I have a feeling that my darling daughter KC will not be able to keep her composure. I'll let you all know. I will leave you with photos of last years Sci Fi Con until I get back.

2009-08-25T23:43:00.001-04:00

Playgrounds are just death traps in primary colours. That is all.

He's Back.

2009-08-19T01:25:00.002-04:00

There is so much that I want to blog about - to share with my friends, but I am, once again, on the defensive because my stalker has returned.
I don't know what is so incredibly fascinating about me.
My life is actually pretty boring, same old same old. I suppose that my stalker has no life of his own. Maybe his life is so boring that he needs to create drama.
Dunno.
I just know that even my kids are edge and for their sakes, as well as my own, I can't share some things right now.
I might need to make my blog private - an idea that I have been tossing around for some time now. I have resisted thus far because I have buddies that are blogless, but stop by now and again anyway.
All I know is that if aRsehole Stalker wants info, he'll have to look elsewhere.
Or find a new hobby.

Remind Me Not To Work Here

2009-08-11T23:38:00.000-04:00

WWSD

2009-08-07T15:56:00.003-04:00

What would Shawn do?

What would you do?

I submit this for your consideration, a true story of something that happened to Shawn just about a week ago on his way home from work.

It was Friday (Saturday?) evening, and Shawn was at a transfer point on his way home from a long days work. He was at the downtown transportation centre, where the buses meet, come and go, to a variety of places in the region. Most days it is quiet enough, but some evenings, it is a rowdy, downright seedy locale. This particular evening, it was flat out chaos.

As Shawn watched from the bus window, a security guard (who had already subdued the teen in question, for whatever reason) was slamming the kids head off of the curb, trying to get him to release the kids' clenched fist.
Now, I have no idea what was in the boy's hand, neither does Shawn. Shawn can say, that it was not a gun, or a knife, or any type of weapon. It was completely enclosed in his hand, not visible to anyone.

The boy was on the ground, not resisting, but the security guard still felt the need to slam this kids head off of the curb several times, just for the hell of it, I suppose.

It was at about this point that a small crowd has gathered and Shawn decided to egress the bus and see what exactly was going on.

I want to stress this fact:
When Shawn got off of the bus, there was NO police presence, just the security guard and the kid, and a few onlookers.

Shawn called out to the (in)security guard to stop, and leave the kid alone. See, here in Canada, you can't just assault someone because you wear a special vest with a crest on it. It just doesn't work like that.

As Shawn was standing there, somebody came from behind, and without speaking or indentifying himself, grabbed his arm, as if it swing him around. Shawn reacted, and pulled the wrist that was grabbing at him, twisting it outward to hold the guy off.

Imagine his surprise when he turned to look at the offeneder, only to find a cop, with his gun pointed directly at his head.

I have replayed this in my head, over and over, rewinding it as if it were a movie...I can see it all clearly, I can see Shawn's reaction, the look of sheer panic and terror on the face of the kid, see the small crowd running for cover as the police officer pulls his gun and points it at Shawn.

I still can't say that Shawn did anything wrong. We have both intervened in cases like this before. I once jumped into the middle of a knife fight because nobody other than an elderly woman was helping the person that was being attacked. It all happened so fast - I really just reacted more than acted, you know? It was just an instinct. I was willing to let the dumb ass kids fight it it out, but an innocent lady was added to the melee, I couldn't stand by.

I don't think that this is much different. I wish that someone had been there to interrupt the mugging in January with Jessica and her friend.

This time however, Shawn, the man I love, came thisclose to being shot.
Is it just me, or is this officer of the law a wee bit trigger happy? I dunno...I guess that since he didn't actually pull the trigger, I can't say that. I just think that the whole thing was wrong. It went down like a script in a bad movie.
Since when does a cop come up from behind and grab a man, an innocent bystander, without identifying himself? Would it not have made more sense to announce his presence, LOUDLY, to the group that had gathered?

Here's what really rubs me.
This officer was wrong. Flat out WRONG. Not only did he not apologize to Shawn (scared the life outta him) but Shawn was made to apologize to the cop - over and over.

There was paper work - an 'incident' report was filed, but we have heard nothing else about this. I always thought that there was an investigation whenever a police officer pulled his gun.
I guess not.

I don't know if Shawn getting off the bus made a difference. Maybe that security guard would have done worse if Shawn had just turned away. I don't know. I will never know.
The one thing that I do know is that I am proud of Shawn for doing the right thing, it just scares the hell out of me that it could have cost him his life.

What Would You Do ?

Update

2009-07-14T21:13:00.003-04:00

When Jessica and her friend were swarmed at the mall in January, I really didn't expect much to come of the subsequent police investigation. I thought that maybe the two girls involved (the girls that actually attacked Jessica and her pal, the others, three boys, just kind of stood around and acted as look out) would get a slap on the wrist.
Honestly, I was just happy that the police took us seriously enough to make a report and look for the girls. The mall security certainly didn't do much about the incident until they were notified by the police. They brushed my phone call off quickly enough.

One of the girls was sentenced on July 9 th (I am waiting to hear about the other offender) and she got 18 months probation, a two year weapons ban, and, best of all? She served 52 in custody.

I am shocked. Canada has been notoriously easy on it's young offenders. There is always a publication ban (no names or photos of anyone under 18), which I personally think is bullshit. I don't care about a kid that was popped for shoplifting a sweater or a can of food, but I do want to know if a violent kid is in my neighbourhood.
Wouldn't you like to know if there were a dangerous offender living on your street? Is a rapist any less dangerous if he/she is under 18?

There won't be any names published in this case. I know the girls names, I have not told anyone else who they are, but I am ok with that. I am hoping that this is a lesson enough for these two young ladies (I use that term very loosely) and that from now on they will think about the consequences before they act again. Fifty two days would be one heck of a deterrent for me, that's for sure.

I wonder if the five dollars was worth it?

In Memoriam

2009-07-10T20:15:00.002-04:00

January 15, 1934 - July 11, 1999.

2009-07-07T23:33:00.005-04:00

It's been close to a week since my last post and I have no idea where the time is going. The summer is just flying by, at warp speed it seems.

Kayla was accepted to college. We had the tour on Monday and got the confirmation this morning that she is IN. I am so freaking proud that I am busting at the seams. No, really, I am.
Kayla wants to be a chef. A chef! She is following in the footsteps of her Dad and Uncle TMOC. They all love the kitchen. I avoid the place like the plague and don't even like making sandwiches for myself. Seriously. Shawn says that it just easier for him to cook cause he can't stand to see me in there crying.

Anyway, enough about my issues. This is about Kayla.
For a kid with learning disabilities that struggled through school, and generally hated every minute of it, this is amazing. Incredible.

Have I said how proud we all are of her?
I know have two daughters in college!

Tomorrow I am heading up to the coffee shop to meet an old friend from high school. We have not seen each other in about 25 years. That is a hell of a long time. I am feeling pretty ok about it though. A couple of months ago this would have been heart attack inducing, but since meeting Kim at the library a while back I have a new confidence in myself. That and some Rx meds from my shrink :)

Shawn is another story...He is bored to tears and wants to be back at work, now. He has gone back for a couple of days here and there, but the pain is just too much and the doctor wants him to stay off his leg as much as possible. His appointment with the specialist is in November. Gah. Sometimes I wonder if time is standing still, the wait is never ending. Other days, I marvel at how quickly it all passes.

I am planning a trip to Colorado this autumn, to see my sister, Kelly. I have never used her real name before, but have always called her Lucky, the nickname that TMOC and I call her. Thing is, she hasn't been so lucky recently. She has gotten along fine for years without me, but my well tuned sister radar tells me that she could use a (large) shoulder to lean on. I can't get there any sooner, for practical and financial reasons, but I am going to move heaven and earth to get there before Thanksgiving.

Friday will be the 10 th anniversary of my Dad's death (and marks the 13 th for Kelly's Mom).
I think that I will try to spend the day doing something that my Dad loved. It feels like the right way to honour him, ya know? I'm not sure what that will be yet, but I will think of something.

Long Lost Sisters?

2009-07-02T15:52:00.001-04:00

40

2009-06-27T20:38:00.001-04:00

I am exhausted! I had more fun than should be legally allowed with my family.
It's been a pretty good start to 40 so far................

2009-06-22T01:29:00.002-04:00

Bruno, Bumble and Lola, caught playing in the tub.

Molly/Bella and her new mom.

The new love of my life, baby Ryder.

Yesterday I spent some time at the cemetery with my Dad, my Grossie (great grandma) and some other old friends. I don't get out there often, it's in Smallburg and I rarely venture out that way anymore. There is nothing for me since my family became fractured and my Granny passed away a few years ago.

I do like the quiet solitude of the cemetery. It's peaceful and I find myself reflecting on my life, my Dad, lost friends and loved ones while I walk the winding pathways. I always clear the clover and dirt of off the plaque for the Smallburg Board Of Trade that bares my fathers name. Seeing his name always gives me some measure of comfort... It has been nearly 10 years since he died and he has not been forgotten. His name is there for everyone to see...I like that.

Today was relatively quiet..As quiet as can be when all of my girls are at home. We don't see enough of KC - she is busy with work and school, and of course, Spencer. Shawn got a pile of gifts from the girls, and best of all, we were all in the same room. At the same time.

Kayla and Cody have two more days of high school and then they are done.

Forever.

It is so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that wee little Kayla is all grown up. She is undecided about the fall, she is wants to take something, learn something, but what is the real question. In the meanwhile she is pounding the pavement looking for work.

Cody is taking a summer school course and then is thinking of an apprenticeship. I have no idea how much longer he will be with us, but we are not pushing him out the door. We want him to have a head start and the only way that he can have that is if he has a safe, warm place to live with no worries.

Jessica is almost done grade nine. My baby. How? When? It seems unreal to me. Sometimes I wish that she were 4 again, and I was her whole world. Those days passed so quickly, at the speed of light.

Sigh.

Friday I will be 40.

I don't feel 40 and if you ask most of the people that know me, they will saw that I most certainly do not act 40. Still, there it is...

My mental health has improved expediently in these past weeks,and I am happy with where I am right now, but I still pause to wonder....

I`m not sure what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I am pretty sure this isn`t it.

Who knows what the next 40 years are going to be like? My guess is that whatever the universe has in store for me, it will be anything but boring.