Oh Christmas Tree

After visiting some of my bloggy friends and seeing their trees, I have been inspired to post some photos of our tree.

KC took some photos of my favourite ornaments for me, because, as you all know, I suck.
This is the 1st year that I have all of the Rudolph ornaments - all of the different ones that I could find, anyway. I have Yukon Cornelius, and The Dentist Elf...what's his name? I have Rudolph with a light up nose, and Clarice, and I think that I have Santa in there some where, too.

This is KC's favourite ornament. She LOVES The Little Mermaid, and I do my best to indulge her. Maybe it's because she's 18 now, and I can barely see the little girl in my nearly grown daughter. Maybe it's because I'm just a big kid myself. Either way, Ariel has earned a place of honour on our tree.

Darth Vader. This is Hubby's ornament. Hubby was tired of seeing an angel or star at the top of the tree, so the Dark Lord Of The Sith has the glory this year. See him raising his fist in victory? He was a bit camera shy.....


R2- D2, another of my favourites. I had a big model of R2 when I was a kid, and have looking for another ever since my dad sold it at a garage sale. This will have to do in the meantime.

This was a gift from my FMIL last year. She hand painted one for all of us, and we think that they're great. I love hand made ornaments, I think that someday they will be the real treasures. Actually, they already are.

This is our tree, in all of it's glory. We would have bought a real tree ( not that this is an illusion, it's really there), but we don't have a car to bring it home. My brother bought one 2 years ago and carried it home 15 blocks. Tourists were taking photos of him the whole way. I have no desire to be either photographed or to struggle with a tree strapped to my back, so this was our only option. It's a little like a Charlie Brown tree, but I think that just adds to its charm.

My depression has been getting the better of me lately, and I am trying to focus on all of the positives in my life. With the exception of a loan from Hubbys boss to pay off our huge gas bill, things just don't seem to be going our way. I was feeling rather blue when I opened the mail on Friday. Along with the usual bills, I recieved 2 Christmas cards in the mail. One was from a long lost friend, and the other was from my Grandma, who lives about 3 hours away. Inside the card was a long letter, and a crisp new 10 dollar bill.
How cute is that? Thanks, Grandma, for the smile. I needed one.

A Terminator Christmas

Several years ago, when my (step)mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her that I wanted a Nativity scene. What I had in mind was something that would remind me of my Catholic/Lutheran upbringing. You know what I mean. Something like one of these.

THIS is what I got instead. It reminds me of something out of the Terminator movies. It weighs about 10 lbs, and if it ever fell on one of the dogs, they'd be hush puppies. Nothing screams Christmas like the T3 Nativity scene.

Crushes, Part 2

I forgot some very important guys in my first crush post. I'm sure that I'll forget more, but I just HAD to mention these guys. Oh, all of my crushes will be FAMOUS people this time.

Jerry O'Connell. Yeah, baby. He was in My Secret Indentity, and before that, he was the chubby kid in 'Stand By Me.' LOVED him in Sliders. He's engaged to John Stamos' ex, ol' what's her face.

Anthony Stewart Head. He was Giles, on Buffy. I don't really know why I like him so much. Maybe it's because you think he's stuffy and boring, but if he wanted to, he could kick your ass. He could. His brother was the one hit wonder guy, Murray Head that sang One Night In Bangkok in the 80's. Talented family.

Corey Haim. I know that he tried to sell his teeth on E Bay. I know that he is drug addidct that had to get his mom to pay his tab at Candy Mountain. I KNOW. He's a cute little Canadian boy, and I love him anyway. Sorry

Jon Erik Hexum. He was only 26 when he died. I was about 15 and it crushed my spirit. He died too young, and with so much potential. On the bright side, he was an organ donor, and many people benefited from this tragedy. Among them was a pimp, who recieved his liver (or kidneys, my memeory is a bit hazy on that part). Great news for all of the johns out there.

James Marsters, also from Buffy. He's scrawny, and pale, but also moody and brooding. I love him.

I can't post my crushes without mentioning Keanu Reeves. Dreamy. I have loved him since Bill and Ted. Or was it Rivers Edge? Who knows? Who cares? He's just dreamy. Sigh.

I hate Beta

I hate beta. I had to switch, because I couldn't leave comments on any beta blogs. It took me 6 trys to sign in because apparently my password is wrong. So far, I don't see the benefits of this new version.

The Spirit Of Christmas

I guess by now most of my blog buddies know that the last few days have been, er..rough. To say the least. I wasn't feeling very Christmas-y, and I normally belt the holiday songs out all day long at this time of year. Thanks to my very good blog buddy, Dilling, all of that has changed!
I recieved a gorgeous photo in the mail today - a complete surprise! Dilling sent me a photo as part of her art share, even though I am NOT an atrist, and only commented on her blog.
I have to say, it made my day. This gesture of friendship and kindness has raised my spirits and renewed my faith. I want to share this photo with you all, but it will have to wait until one of my kids can help me ( I know, I suck).
Thank you, Dilling, and Marni, and CindyDianne, and Snowcrush, and Tod, and 4D, and Gardenia, and Skippy, and Kate Isis, and Heidi (that goes with out saying), and Nonny, and Her Indoors, and Corky and Camie..... and thank you everyone for your support and friendship!
(hope that I haven't missed anyone, I love you all!)

5 More Things/6Weird Things about Me

I have been tagged by Skippymom to reveal 5 MORE things that you may not know about me, and by Gardenia, to come clean with 6 weird things about me. I'll combine them together and tell you some of my deep, dark, secrets.
When I asked my kids to help me with my weird list, the answer was the same from all 3. Compulsive vacuuming. I hate housework, and because of my depression, it is an even bigger struggle. I do however, vacuum. My vac never gets put away, it just gets parked. I heard the kids whispering about an intervention.
I love the smell of gasoline and new tires. When I was little, my Dad had a towing buisiness, and it reminds me of him. If only I could find that in a perfume......
The next one is a big one. I once had a crush on my brother. Before you all start playing the Duelling Banjos theme from Deliverance, there is a bit of a back story. He wasn't actually my brother at the time. He was my Dads girlfriends kid then, and I thought he was oh so sweet. Our parents got married, my Dad adopted him, and now we are completely estranged. So much for brotherly love.
I married my 1st husband out of guilt. Catholic guilt, actually. We had a daughter, and were living in sin, and my parents were freaking out. I knew that he wasn't Mr. right, just Mr. RightNOW, but married him anyway. I cried walking down the aisle because I KNEW that it was a mistake. They weren't tears of joy.
I stayed married to my 2nd husband because I loved his mom so much. I didn't want to lose her, and I felt like a 2nd divorce would be the equivilent of wearing a big scarlet letter on my chest. As it turns out, that the divorce was one of the best things that I ever did.
I know things before they happen, and I often have dreams that come true. Don't start asking me about lottery numbers or ask me to tell you your future. It doesn't work like that for me. Sometimes, I just KNOW things. I knew that I was going to lose my baby when I was pregnant with my son. There was no reason to even think this, as I was healthy and (relatively) happy at the time. He died as aresult of (my) being kicked, but I knew the day BEFORE. I even told a friend the day before he died. I had a dream about a little boy that lived on my street years ago. In the dream he fell through the ice while playing hockey and drowned. It happened about 2 weeks later. It's not all bad. When a 4 year old neighbour took off from her yard, everyone imagined the worst. I knew that she was safe, and found her hiding in the bushes across the road from our apartment. I had a feeling that she was safe, and somhow knew where to find her. Weird.
I hope this enough for you guys. I think that you know pretty much everything about me now. No more secrets.

Want a really good true story?
Check out the Adult in Question from Random Me and Stuff.
www.randommeandstuff.blogspot.com
You won't believe it.

And Finally

We got the bill paid. Hubby went to city hall and paid it, and it was reconnected in about 2 hours. YAY! The final bill that was given to Hubby, and that we paid, was different once again, then the bill that we recieved YESTERDAY.
I can fight this. I should fight this. I just don't know if I will. It stresses me out too much. I don't think that even if and when we prove our case, they will give us any of our money back.
You can't fight city hall. Truly. Did they win? Yup. They won. They got everything that they wanted, and then some. I can sleep peacefully, and warmly, in my own bed tonight. The kids are safe, and our Christmas will be a good one, because we will all be together. They can NOT come after me again, because they have nailed me for EVERY address that they had on file for me. I don't have to look over shoulder, or worry about this popping up ever again.
Did they win? Yup. They won, but I will be one sleeping peacefully tonight.

And, Breathe

Ok. I am a little more composed. Hubby has a cheque for almost the exact amount that we need, and we should be able to cover the rest. Hubby approached his boss, and his boss agreed to loan him the money to pay the bill. I spoke with the gas company, and they have agreed to put off cutting the water until 4pm today. We should have the WHOLE bill paid by then. I don't know if they will restore my heat/hot water today, and seeing as how it's a Friday........If they don't turn the heat on by tonight, we're going to a cheap motel. (Hubby got paid today, so we can swing it for one night).
I still have my paper work, and I am going to ask that this whole matter be looked into. I KNOW that I do not owe this money. Every bill that I ever had for arrears (before) was for $429.00, which I paid.
I don't understand HOW the city can cut my water when I am NOT, and NEVER have been behind. It makes no sense. By cutting my water, they would be deconstructing my family. Obviously, I can't have a 12 year old diabetic here with no water. I was thinking about it last night, and you need water for almost EVERYTHING. Cooking, cleaning, bathing, brushing your teeth.....I was dreading having to tell my 12 year old that not only is her birthday party cancelled, but she is also going into foster care because of the ASS HATS at city hall.
So, Hubby is picking up his cheque in less than an hour. Hopefully, we will all be warm and snug in our beds tonight.
Having all of my blog buddies cheering for me, and praying, in some cases, has made a real difference. Thanks..............................

The Truth About My Gas Bill

I am completely humilitated by this, but angry as hell at the same time. I have nothing to hide and I have no problem telling everyone what is happening.
This bill is not for one month, but goes back YEARS, according to the people in the good city of Kitchener, where I live, pay taxes, and to whom I make the payments on my gas and water.
The utility company came to me over a year ago, saying that I owed $400 from a previous address. I didn't dispute it, I really wasn't certain as to whether or not I paid the bill, from an address that we had left 2 years earlier. I agreed to pay it. The bill (after I made a $100 payment, and arranged to pay the rest within 2 weeks), then went up to $800, with the gas company saying that I now owed for another address. The bill then went up to $1200, $1500, $2000, and finally, $2500. The explanation given to me was that I had not made ONE payment on a gas bill in OVER 5 years. (one of the addresses in question was my ex husbands).
I do not reciepts that go back over 5 years. I am lucky to find anything from this month. Common sense would tell you that I had made payments on the bill, or it would have disconnected YEARS ago. I found some reciepts, a couple, which the gas company never gave me credit for. One account # that we are being billed for, never even exisited. If they can make a mistake on that one, then why not all of them, or at least more than one. They refuse to even consider the fact that we don't owe this amount. The bill has now jumped from $2500 to $3256.88 without an explanation. (They want an extra 50 for when that reconnect me). Since we have lived here, I have been paying my bill, including $150 that I paid last WEEK.
I know that we look like dead beats. I know it. I do not owe this money, and I have no way of paying off such a large amount. I am paying my bills, as best as I can. We just finished paying that crazy hydro bill. I paid it in full, even though I was double billed for a portion of it.
So, the utility company refuses to cut me any slack. We have offered to make payments, but they won't hook us back up until we are paid off in full. I am afraid to make payments, I am afraid that the bill will continue to grow, and we will never be paid off. They are disconnecting our water tomorrow. I don't owe ANYTHING for water, other than this months bill. They are cutting the water until they get $2000 for the GAS. Does this sound like black mail to you? It does to me.
Once the water is cut, we have to place the girls elsewhere. Not only can we NOT live here without water, but the Children's Aid will take them if they find out. I can NOT imagine a Christmas without my kids.
We have phoned the mayors office. He can't/won't help. We have phoned everyone. EVERYONE. Does anyone have a number for God?


P.S. After some digging, I did find some paper work from the gas company. The numbers do not match, and the amounts owing for the addresses in question are not the same as what the gas company claimed today. I also found one reciept for a payment not credited to me. I think that is all coming too late. The lady that Hubby spoke with today advised us to pay the bill in full, and then they would re-evaluate what we owe. They would be more than happy to reimburse us after the fact.
I think that it's too late anyway. The gas is already cut, and the water is going first thing in the morning. Keep your fingers crossed, guys. I could use some happy thoughts.

It just keeps getting better around here. I just got a bill for $3206.88 from the gas company. They didn't even give me a chance to make payments or explain. Nothing. The gas has already been cut, so now we have no heat, and no hot water. Just in time for Christmas.
I don't even know how I"ll tell KK and J. Who cares about fucking Christmas gifts when you have no heat? We lived for over a year boiling water in a pot for hot water, and I can't do it again. It took me 2 months to pay off the $1200 that we owed hydro. This will take us 4 or 5 months, and in the meantime - no hot water or heat.
I may not be around for awhile, guys. This is something that I just can't deal with right now. Sorry about the language. If I'm not back before, have a good holiday.
Bridget
I just read the fine print. Tomorrow the water gets cut. With no water, the kids can't live here. If Children's Aid finds out, they'll take them away. Merry Christmas, kids.

Crushed

Who remembers my crush tag? Anyone? Everyone? Scroll down, it's still on the page. I wrote about a few of my crushes, including my 7 yr old crush, Dennis Fanti. Normally, I change the names a bit (like I did in my weird job post, except for Rick the Creepy Morgue guy), but I thought that one name from 30 years ago....Who'll ever know?
Dennis will, cuz he just e mailed me. Yup, the one that I desribed as "hot, in a 7 yr old kinda way." I could DIE.
I'll let you know what happens next................................

My former MIL is coming over today. I love it when she comes over. It seems like we don't get enough time together. Isn't it always that way with the people that you love?

For Tod

Ah, the morgue. I worked there for a few months right after my 2nd marriage came to a crashing halt. For those of you wondering HOW I got the job, it all started with these words..." I could totally do the Quincy thing!"
Seriously, that's how it started.
My marriage was over, and I was looking for a job. I had been home with the kids since they were born, and the baby was going into kindergarten. I wanted to work, it felt like the right time. The only problem was finding a job that fit this criteria:
I needed to be home by supper time. The little one was diabetic, and the middle one had epilepsy, so paying a sitter for any more than a couple of hours was out of the question. The girls fell into the 'special needs' catagory, thus tripling the hourly wage for any sitter.
Weekends had to be optional, or a few hours spread out over the 2 days. For the same reasons as above.
I needed to earn enough to pay my way to work, and for the occasional sitter. I needed a job that would allow me take phone calls at work in case of an emergency.
So with all of this criteria in front of me, I set out to find a job.
As luck would have it, most of my family works in the medical profession. My brother in law was a morgue attendant part time, working on his off time from the fire house. My mom worked in the lab at the hospital, and was the head of her department. My sister worked in x-ray at the same hospital.
My mom hooked me up with her boss, who asked me one question before hiring me.
"Do you faint?"
I am a fainter, from way back. Blood isn't the trigger, though, it's stress or low blood sugar. Blood I don't mind.
That was that. I sat in on an autopsy to see if I could do it. I was at work within about 4 days of my 'interview.'
I don't remember much about that 1st autopsy. I only watched, afterall. I do recall that a police officer that was also observing nearly passed out. Much like the opening credits in Quincy.
I was hooked. It didn't matter that the guy training me looked like an escapee from the morgue. He was sallow and morose, with dark circles under his eyes. I called him Rick, The Creepy Morgue Guy. He LOOKED like the morgue guy. I guess that made me the morgue girl. Creepy.
Rick was a nice guy, but it felt odd having him hit on me while I sewing up a chest, or using a bone saw to extract someone's ribs.
The best part of the whole thing was the money. I won't lie. I was making $24.98 an hour....Six years ago. Weekends were mostly on call, and you got paid extra for that, plus they gave a way cool pager.
Most shifts were about 4 hours long, and the only time that they did nighttime autopsies was during an emergency....Like some sort of catastrofic event. We don't get much of those here.
My duties were all hands on. I did the cutting, the organ removal, I sewed 'em back up, I cleaned them afterwards, and I cleaned the room and utensils.
I LOVED IT.
The blood never bothered me. I had so many layers of protective gear that it was easy for me to focus on the task at hand. My brother in law helped to train me, too. I took the flack for him on the day that we rushed out to make it to my Dad's memorial service. He did a piss poor job cleaning up our 'client', and the family was quite upset. Blame it on the trainee, thank you very much. Chris might have been fired if they knew it was actually him that left poor Amy looking like that.
Yes, I remember her name. She was a nun that hung herself in a utility closet. The cops were called in on that one because of the circumstances. I'll never forget her face, or the feeling of sorrow that washed over me when the coroner ruled her death a suicide. What could have caused her to lose her faith so? I'll never know.
There was a young woman, 26, that came in one day. She looked about 40, with needle marks and years of hard living etched on her face. Her name? I know it, too. She had a little flower in the body bag with her. Her 4 year old son placed it there when they took her away. I made certain that it went back in the bag when we were done. COD? Drug over dose. She had 2 kids, and a drug habit that cost her her life. The worst part of it was seeing her common law husband on TV 3 days later, begging the viewers for help, because his wife had died of heart failure. He was parading his kids around on camera for all to see. It turned my stomache.
Then there was Jim. Jim was about 40. He had just come out to his family and discovered that he was HIV positive. He jumped to his death from a parking garage. I took extra time with him. I tried to give him the dignity and care in death that he must've felt was so lacking in his life.
Does this sound depressing? I didn't really look at it like that. I learned so much from that job. I learned about life, and death, and dignity. I liked taking care of the people that came my way. I did my utmost to treat them the same way that I would if they were a family member or a friend. I loved the people that I worked with. Even creepy Rick was ok. When he wasn't hitting on me..(Ohh, I like big girls...Oh, Bridget a wonderful woman like you deserves better...You're ex doesn't know what he's missing. If you were my girl....When all of that failed, he enlisted my mother to help him. He even tried enticing me with his swimming pool). I liked the quiet solitude of the morgue, and working alone. I would turn up the radio and dance with my mop while I cleaned. Plus, not one single client EVER complained about me. 100% client satisfaction!
I was home with my kids when I needed to be, making good money, and for the 1st time in my life, my family was proud of me. So what was the problem?
Kids. That was one problem. I thought that since there were no children admitted to the hospital, there would be no autopsies of children. Not so. Apparently, our hospital got the spill over from the other local hospital. And they ALWAYS sent the stinky ones. That was my other problem. The stinkers. Blood, I can handle. Guts, cutting, sewing, no problem. Stinkers and bugs.....That was where I drew the line. I won't go into it, but let's just say that morgue work can involve maggots.
I had one lady that had sat in the sun for so long, that she bloated beyond recognition. I don't remember her name, but refer to her simply as 'The Green Lady.' She exploded.
The other problem that I had was another apparent suicide. He came into the morgue in about 8 pieces, and his face came in an envelope. That in itself wasn't the problem. The fact that I knew the face was. It was the brother of a man that had dated my sister Posh. Someone that I knew? It was too much.
I reluctantly turned in my scrubs and quit my job. I didn't think that I would be able to perform another procedure on a friend, a family member, or someone that I had even met in passing. My short lived career was over.
It's ok. You put morgue attendant on your resume, and you get the employers attention. They know that you'll do ANYTHING for money. All's well that ends well.
And Rick? He married a woman that LOVED his swimming pool. I was NOT invited to the wedding.

While struggling to come up with a blog topic, my daughter KK suggested that I write about her. She is 15. She wants a monkey for Christmas. She's not getting one.


I could write about other things. I could write about my brother, TMOC and the recent phone call that I got from him. He saw the photo of my Christmas village and wants to know WHY I have a farm in the city limits. He wants to know if I remember where HE was Confirmed. He wants to know WHY I don't mention him more often in my blog. Oh yeah. He also told me that he is a wearing a kilt when he gets married in May and that he looks better in a skirt than me. That was pretty much the jist of our long distance conversation. I told him that YES, he would look better in a skirt than me, I do NOT remember where he was Confirmed, and the farm is in the city limits because I am the city planner, thank you very effing much. I swear, he moves 1500 miles away and still drives me crazy.
Really, I don't know what to write about. I would love some suggestions. PLEASE. I am begging for some suggestions. I'll take any.

Tagged!!!!!!!!

I have been tagged by Marni, over at A Pug's Life, to write some sort of tell all about my crushes. There have been so many that I barely know where to start.
My earliest crush was probably in kindergarten. His name was Mike, and we liked each other because we were the fastest runners in the whole class. I don't remember much about him, except that we always sat beside each other in the reading circle. Anything was better than sitting next to Tony Baloney....He peed his pants more than once, prompting our teacher to change the 'sharing circle' to the 'reading circle'. Tony shared a little too much.
My next crush was Luke. He was in my grade 1 class. Once again, there was too much sharing going on in the circle. This time, however, it was me. I showed Luke what was under my shirt, right there, in the classroom of my Catholic school. That was the 1st time that I was ever sent to the principal's office. Next was Dennis Fanti. We played Electrowoman and Dynagirl at recess. He was hot, in a 7 year old kinda way.....
My first reciprocated love was Robbie Shushack. We were both 10, and man, was I in love! He had a fort in his backyard, and we hung out there with Posh and Robbie's best friend. We shared a mutal love of animals and spent every waking moment hanging out and riding our bikes to the horse stable. I still have the silver heart that he gave me on the day that he moved away.

This is Dirk Benedict. You know him as the Face man from the A-Team, or Starbuck from the original Battlestar Galactica. He was hot then, he's hot now.

This is Randolph Mantooth. From Emergency! Yup, still hot.

Next on the list is Christopher Atkins. He was the man of dreams for oh so many years. He was in Blue Lagoon, The Pirate Movie, and Dallas. No one has ever filled out a loin cloth quite like him.

Marc Singer. Remember him from V? Running in those tight jeans? Enough said.

Carlo Imperato. Danny from Fame. Hey, you knew that I loved "Fame." Now you know why.

There have been other guys. My first love started out as a crush. His name was Blaine, and I fell for him hard. I thought that I would never love again after I moved back to Ontario and left him behind in Nova Scotia. I still think of him from time to time.......

My biggest crush EVER was, and always will be Shawn. He was my next door neighbour when we 1st met. Sort of. He WAS my next door neighbour, but we had some of the same friends, went to the same parties, and hung out at all of the same places for 20 years. He knew 2 of my brothers for years. He knew TMOC's bio father, and uncle. He worked for that uncle. Strange that it took us living in the same ghetto to actually meet. I do believe that it was fated, and that we were meant to be together.

So there you have it. Most of my crushes from the past 20 + years..... What a blast from the past.......Now it's my turn to tag.....I tag The Adult in Question, Cindydianne, and Tod..............You're it!

Too Much Time On My Hands

I've been sick. Some kind of cold/flu type bug. I haven't done much of anything, I've slept, and I've done alot of thinking this week. There isn't much else to do when you're lying in your bed (alone) all day, with a snotty nose and a pounding headache.
So this is what I've been thinking of.
My brother is getting married. I love my brother. I adore his fiancee, who I have known for 22 years. She is a wonderful person, with a heart of gold, and a quick wit. ( You need both to be with with my brother). I live in Ontario, TMOC and Lovely live in Nova Scotia. I have 3 kids, and a houseful of pets. (No, really, a houseful. 2 dogs, one cat, 3 birds 9 bunnies, a turtle, a guinea pig...have I missed any???). We don't have a lot of money. I can't work, and we barely eek by on Hubby's pay. TMOC and Lovey want us to come to the wedding. I WANT to go the wedding. It will cost us about $2000, to take the train, and pay for hotels/motels/food. I don't have 2 grand. Our Mum will be there. We haven't spoken in about 3 years. We will not speak at the wedding. I have no one to take care of my pets. Hubby won't want to take time off of work, cuz he's a sub contractor and taking off one week could cost him a job that may last for months.
I don't know what to do. KC has booked the time off of work, and is willing to pay for her train ticket, but that still leaves at least 3 more tickets, and expenses...........I feel so torn.
J has gained weight, and her blood sugar levels have come down ever so slightly. She still needs to gain about 5 pounds, and I'm worried about her long term health if we can't bring her numbers down. I don't know what to do, I am at a complete loss. I wish that I could take this away from her. I wish that she didn't have to live with this horrible disease.......I know, I know.....If wishes were lollipops..........
I am still unmedicated, due to the fact that that we don't have medical benefits. My meds would cost upwards of $200 a month without coverage. If I had my meds, I could probably work part time. Without them, my depression worsens, and I'm afraid that I'll end up in the booby hatch - AGAIN.
On the bright side, being sick has also given me time to think of all of the things that I am grateful for....It's actually a pretty long list.
I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my sweet (but naughty) puppy, a working furnace, diet pop, push up bras, my cute little house, my king size mattress, a long, hot bath, (thanks to the working furnace, and gas), chocolate, of any kind, a Hubby that LOVES to cook, that Fame is back on in re runs (don't judge me!), my washer and dryer ( we spent nearly 2 years going to a laundromat where the owner alternately hit on me, or KC.......EWWWW), my uber-comfy sleep pants (I'm wearing them right now), and, the ability to laugh. Honestly, witout it, I would be back in the booby hatch.....Oh, I can't forget my computer, which has brought all of you into my life.....
Have a good weekend, everyone.

Not a Total Crap-Fest..........................................

I should tell you, the weekend wasn't a total crap- fest. I got to sneak in a visit with my favourite people and pug in the whole world. That's right, Heidi, Jethro, The Boy, The Girl, and The Pug, all came to visit. We rarely get a chance to visit, due to the unfortunate lack of automobile, and the great distance......That should all change after Heidi and Jethro buy their farm. I know that farms are generally OUT of town, but it will be much closer to THIS town. I can't wait.
It seems that Ruby and the Pug are in love. There was a definite connection. I can't help but wonder what pug/yorkie-shih-tzu's would look like?

Thanks For The Lift, Dad

After bitching so much about Hubby's family, I was starting to feel a little guilty. I was thinking that they couldn't be all THAT bad. I mean, maybe was being too harsh.
We got a phone call from Hubby's eldest sis about 4 days ago. Hubby's mom is turning 80 and the family is having a big dinner at a resuarant on December 8 th...Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could be there? Now, I like this sister of Hubby's. We don't see her much, she stays out of the family conflicts, and she has always been nice to me. Hubby nixed the idea right away, but I told him that we should think about it. How bad could it be?
We were at Wal -Mart today (yes, yes, I love Wal-Mart), and we ran into another sister. He has 7, so it happens.....We were both waiting for rides...We were waiting for a taxi, she was waiting on Shawn's dad. Sure enough, Shawn's dad pulls up. When sis tellls him that we're waiting on a taxi, he waves, AND DRIVES AWAY.
Thanks, dad, you ass-hat. I guess that there will be 5 empty seats at the dinner table on the 8th.

Andy

I saw my Godson tonight. He works at Wal-Mart, stocking shelves. I don't see much of him anymore, he's 19 now, no longer the little boy that once spent countless nights sleeping over, the same little boy that would throw his arms sround me in a big bear hug, the little boy that I almost raised as my own.
I met his mom when we were kids. I was 18, and she was just turning 16. We were both pregnant with our first baby, and living at St. Anne's House, a home for unwed mothers. Andrea, kept mostly to herself, keeping the paternity of her unborn baby a secret. I felt bad for her, so young, and so alone. Her son was born on November 9, 1987, while I was at a dentist appointment. She moved out shortly after.
KC was born on March 6, 1988, and it wasn't long after that we bumped into each other again. Andrea's son was gorgeous, a tow headed chubby little guy with a quick smile and an infectous laugh. Andy and KC spent so much time together that they thought they were brother and sister. I babysat Andy when Andrea went to school, out on dates, looked for a job. I bought him new outfits each time I bought one for KC, and each toy that I bought was bought in pairs. I loved him like my own, and he loved me the same way.
Andrea got a scholarship after she finished highschool. A full ride to a University in B.C, lodging, food, books, the whole 9 yards. There was only one problem.
Andy.
Andy was only about a year old when the offer was made to his mom. She couldn't take him to B.C. She couldn't have a baby in the student residences. She had no family, no friends out there. She had no way to take care of him.
I honestly can't say whether she asked or I offered. Either way, she wanted me to take Andy. It was that, or he was going into foster care. I couldn't let that happen. This little boy was a part of my life. He was a part of my family. I loved him unconditionally, and even at a year old, he felt it.
Andrea made plans to go, and I readied myself to have 2 one year olds living in my little second floor apartment. I can't remember why Andrea didn't go. It was 18 years ago. My memory has faded, some things are better forgotten.
She stayed, and Andy stayed with her. I don't think that she ever got over not going, I don't think that she ever forgave Andy for holding her back. He was what some people would call a problem child. He couldn't sit still, he broke stuff, he lied, he stole. I loved him anyway.
I lost track of his mom a couple of years ago. She's not a bad person, she's just different than me. We have different priorities, a different way of thinking. She is very needy, and I just don't have it in me to give anymore. I know how that sounds, but I couldn't rush to her aid when my own family was in need.
So, I see my Godson every now and again. His mom kicked him out about 6 months ago, because he was "In her way." He went to live with an aunt, one of his mom's sisters that needs a person to take care of her young boys- for free. He sleeps on a couch and I know that he's paying her bills.
When I saw him tonight, what he told me nearly made me cry, right there in the health and beauty aids aisle where we were standing. He has dropped out of school and is spending all of his free time at the bar.
I feel an incredible sense of guilt. I made a promise before God and witnesses to be there for him, to guide him, to be there when no one else was. I feel like I should have encouraged him more, kicked his ass if needed, I should have told him that I cared.
KC will turn 19 in a few more months. She is in college, working part time, struggling to find her way. How could these 2 kids that once shared a crib, be so different now?
I saw my Godson tonight. He was stacking shelves and smiling, talking to co workers. I saw my Godson. For a brief moment, he was 9 months old again, sitting on my lap. He was 5 years old, getting ready for Halloween. He was 7, and we were having his birthday party at my house. All of these memories flashed before my eyes, and I cried.
I cried for Andy and what has become of him, and I cried for KC. I am thankful that my daughter is still in school, pursuing her dreams. I can't help but wonder about Andy. I wonder if he would've had a chance if his mother would've gone away. I wonder if she blames him for all of her failings. I wonder if his mom ever thinks of me. I wonder, if, like me, she wonders what would've happened if I would've kept Andy. I wonder if she knows that with a different life, he would've stood a chance.
I wonder.

I'm giving in to peer pressure, and I'm posting a photo. Please be nice...I was 3 sheets to the wind here. Hubby and I were at my cousin's wedding, a little over a year ago. It seems that I drank all of the gin that night...Me. Just me. Let's hear it for open bars!!!!














This is Charlie, our cockatiel, or as Hubby likes to call him, our cockatool. See him stomping through my Christmas village? Nice. Thanks, Charlie.







This is Bird. We used to call him Steve, but he answers simply to 'Bird.' He's a jerk. He screams when the phone rings, has been known to do fly bys on unsuspecting visitors, (and KK), and sometimes, just sometimes, will nest in my hair.





















On a more serious note, I am taking J to see her endocrinologist tomorrow.....I am praying that she has put on more (enough) weight, and that we are one step closer to getting her the pump. It has been such a long wait. I'll keep you posted and let you know what the Dr. says....I'm sure that it'll be a lot!

How Many of Me - Census Search

How Many of Me - Census Search

This, is the story of my life.

This is the other thing that we did this weekend. We made cookies. Christmas cookies, to freeze and save for later...well, that was the idea. Instead, we made a pile of cookies and ate most of them. This photo is the pizza cookie that KK and J made. It was SOO good!
My former mother-in-law is coming over today. There was something mentioned about donuts and coffee. I love when she comes over. She loves my Hubby and tells everyone that he is her son in law. When you go to her house, your just as likely to photos of us as you are to see photos of my ex. Actually, you're more likely to see photos of us..
Grandma just got here, with donuts as promised. Guess it's up to me to make the coffee.....

Christmas Village Time!!!

It's that time of year again! Christmas village time!! KK set it up for me today while I was making supper. See the farm in the top photo? Brand new this year. It's my new favourite. I'll probably spend the next month or so moving the pieces around. The kids always put random crap in it, just to piss me off. It works. Today, we found Ruby walking through the village like she owns the place. I can't wait until we put up the tree. Darn dog will probably try to climb it. Or bark at it. For hours, like she did with J's parka, and the Pine-Sol, and the steam cleaner, all of the things have frightened her in the past couple of days.
Yesterday, J and I used our free passes to the movies to see The Santa Clause 3. I had a pretty good time. The movie wasn't exactly oscar worthy, but for a mom and her nearly 12 yr old daughter, it was ok. Besides, I didn't get hit with anything this time. And, it was free.

Five Things That You Might not Know About My Guy...

Ok, here we go again. This time, however, I'm writing about my guy. He's a pretty interesting fellow, really.

1. He was once picked up by the police for riding the KFC bucket. You know the one, and don't tell me that you haven't thought about riding that spinning bucket yourself. The thing is, it isn't really a bucket. It LOOKS like a bucket, but there's nowhere to climb IN, you have to climb ON. Anyway, he was just about up when the cops started pulling on his leg. I don't think that they pressed any charges..That time.

2. Hubby once had a pet gator. Well, it was a camen, actually. His name was Booger, and he grew to about 7 feet. He started out living in a kiddie pool, and he eventually took over the whole basement. When the police raided the house (that's another story, folks), he was taken away to the African Lion Safari.


3. He once brought a live weasel to school for show and tell. In a garbage bag. Do you really need to know more????

4. His teachers used to give him 10 minutes at the start of each day to perform a stort of stand up routine. It was easier that way.



5. He was once beat up by a priest. Seriously. I think that it had something to do with Hubby eating the Host and drinking the wine for school mass. I his defence, Father Bernie was a tough old guy.....

Another darn squirrel blew my hydro out today. Great. I'm beginning to think that it may be a conspiracy.....

These are my girls...KK is the 80's Madonna, and KC is the tigerlicious babe with the ears....KK's boyfriend went out as Jiffy Pop popcorn. KK protested the whole time that we teased her hair. She never would've survived the 80's. Teased hair was part of my daily routine, for crying out loud!

Happy Hallowe'en, Everyone

Ok, I figure that most of you have been stopping by my blog long enough to know that with out the help of my kids, I am hopeless case when it comes to the computer...So, this is what you get when I left to my own devices. I haven't got a clue as to how to turn the photos....

The top photo is KC and Ruby, in her bumble bee costume. The 2nd one is Pork Chop in her Hallowe'en tutu..She is NOT impressed.

I was looking for some photos of Hubby and I from Hallowe'en a few weeks back. No dice. If I find 'em, I'll post 'em later.

Have a happy Hallowe'en, stay safe.

Friday Night

What a weekend...Hubby and I went to the movies. This was a fairly monumentous event in light of our little cash flow problem. We decided to see Saw 3 and forgo the snacks and drinks, just paying the price of admission. We generally hit the movies every couple of weeks, so I was chomping at the bit to get out and see a new movie.
The movie was great. It was over the top gore and horror. I even had to look away from the screen a couple of times. ME! The former morgue worker, the horror movie queen, looked away!! I still can't believe it.
The whole evening would've been wonderful if it hadn't been for the incessant thump-thump-thumping on the back of my seat. And the chatty Cathy's talking all the way through it. Twicw Hubby asked the guys sitting behind us to PLEASE stop kicking the seat, PLEASE stop talking. I'll never understand WHY some people pay admission to the movies and talk all the way through it.
At the end of the movie, I told the two 20 something boys that they had ruined the movie for me. The one kid, on crutches, turns to me, and says 'what are you going to do,punch out a cripple?'
Now look, I was pissed, but I wasn't about to punch anyone out in the lobby of a movie theatre. Not even a loud mouth, ill mannered, howler monkey on cruthches.
His friend, the seat kicker, looked like he was about to cry. I thought that I might get an apology out of him. I might have, to, if Howler Monkey would've shut up.
I told the loud mouth that I had an 11 year old at home was better behaved ( I do), at which point, I swear, the Seat Kicker had tears in his eyes.
Howler Monkey just couldn't shut up.
He cursed me out, screamed, threatened, and called me names, at which point I was about ready to punch out the cripple.
I responded with 'your parents must be so proud.'
They eventually left, and we waited a couple of minutes, and walked the other way. I was ready and willing to laugh the whole bad expirience off until a van load of men drove by and drilled a huge can at my head.
Seriously.
I wish that I would've tripped the Howler Monkey.
I phoned the manager at the movie theatre to let him know what had happened. His response to me?
"Sounds like a typical Friday night."
He gave me 2 free passes to the movies. I think that we'll go again, just not on Friday night. Either that, or I'm wearing a helmut.

5 MORE Things That You May Not Know About Me...

1. I hate stickers. No, really, it's almost pathological. A sticker on my banana or apple? Can't eat it. A sticky price tag? Someone else has to pull it off. If a sticker gets stuck to ME? You'll see me dance and squeal like I'm in pain. Sad, but true.

2. I once left a wedding via a bathroom window. Long story short? Dirty dancing with the groom REALLY pisses off the bride. In rural Nova Scotia, they think nothing of chasing you out of town...Piled into a pick up truck shooting at you with a shot gun! Sheesh! Some people are SOO touchy. Thank goodness the bride can't shoot her way out of a paper bag.......

3. I lived in a "home" for unwed mother's when I was expecting my 1st daughter. It was a nightmare for me! I got caught sneaking out once....I was climbing out of my second story bedroom window. Can't remember where I was going, but it must've been important.

4. I once fell out of a moving car. I was about 4, and I was out for a cruise with my Dad. I had my handy dandy pea shooter with me and I was trying to get a good shot at the kid in the car beside us...I told my Dad that I hit the door handle with my knee, but I'm pretty sure that I may have opened the door to get a better shot...I flew out, but had enough sense to grab the door. My Dad had drive about 100 feet or so to get on to the shoulder of thee road, and slow down so that I wouldn't get crushed by the door if he slammed on the brakes. I was wearing these awful yellow plaid overalls that day...Man they were itchy. I remember thinking (as my Dad and Grandma were cleaning gravel and fabric out of knees), 'at least I won't have to these pants ever again.' Nope. My Nanie made 'em into shorts.

5. I was almost hit by a car while at work one day. No, no, I wasn't part of a road crew, I was a cashier at a grocery store. It was February, 2001, and I was inside, at my till when a car came crashing through the store front windows. In actuality, it was about 30 feet away from me, but when an outta control vehicle is coming at you 90 miles an hour, and you're standing INDOORS, it scares the crap outta ya. Turns out that an elderly man with dementia had been left alone in an idling car, and he decided to look for his wife....He ran over a woman, and she got stuck under 20 pounds of drywall, and the car. The store manager didn't even close the store...He just ushered people AROUND the trapped woman. Nice guy, huh?

I was going to post 10 things that you may not know about me, but I decided to do it in smaller installments.....My life sounds way more exciting when I break it down like this.....

I can't seem to break free of this funk that I am in. I am more depressed than ever, I have been for the past week or so.
Hubby and I went to my former MIL's last night to help move some furniture for her. She is still sorting through Grandma J's things. We moved some stuff, and my former mother in law (MFMIL) let us take some of Grandma's things home with us. I felt like a vulture. I still do.
What upset me even more is the fact that my no account ex didn't even bother to go help his mom while she deals with the emotional as well as tangible baggage that she's working through.
So, that was weighing heavily on me last night.

I miss this place. Nova Scotia. It has been 17 years since I have been to the one place that makes my heart sing. I consider Nova Scotia to be home, and I miss it sorely. My older brother and his wife to be live there. Some days, I wish that I did too.

Christmas will soon be upon us, and I am worried about that. Not just the financial aspects, but the whole Christmas season has got me down. Ever since the big rift in my family, Christmas hasn't been the same. We used to spend every Christmas Eve at my aunt Donna's house, after the church service, of course. The church service, at my littleLutheran church in my small home town, was always magical. The songs, the candles, the same people that have known me since I was 10....Nothing ever changes at St. Peter's, and I like that. I was an acolyte there, my Dad was Lay minister, my aunts still sing in the choir. I feel the joy and wonder of Christmas just walking through those doors.

My aunt Donna's is a magical place, too. She lives in some would consider an honest-to-goodness mansion, easily the prettiest house in town. When we were kids, we would hide in the basement until it was time to open gifts, playing with the couch cushions, making forts, hiding from my brothers. As the kids grew and more joined the family, the basement gave way to video games and barbie dolls. My girls played in the rooms that I had once found cavernous and wonderful.

That all changed a couple of years ago. Now, it is just my Hubby, the girls and I . I no longer feel the same anticipation for the hoildays. I know that my family will be gathering without me, and my heart breaks a little more every time I think of it.

As for Hubby's family...We've already covered that, no need to rehash it. We won't be spending Christmas, or any other holiday with them in the near future.

I know that I have a lot to thankful for, and I am. My kids,my Hubby, my friends (bloggy, and otherwise), the fact that we did pay our rent this month....I am thankful. I just can't shake this soul crushing depression.

Hey, maybe if I had some visitors over the hoildays.....What are you guys all doing this Christmas? Wanna come for turkey dinner? Hubby is a teriffic cook, and KK and I will bake some pies....

So many husbands would agree......

Today is a much better day....KK had her award ceremony last night. The ceremony itself was a joke. It appeared as though it was planned at the last minute. Nobody knew what they were doing, the students didn't know when to stand up, sit down, or recieve their awards. I felt bad for all of the kids that worked so hard.

KK, however, made us proud as hell. She has stuggled with her learning diabilities, and depression for years. Last year at this time, I was getting phone calls from the school because she was skipping class, talking back to teachers, (I know!! What a shock! MY kid, flapping her lips!), and forgetting homework. I am so impressed with her turn around. Hubby and I knew that she had it in her, it was convincing HER that was difficult.

In one week I have watched my eldest daughter graduate from high school, and watch my middle daughter recieve an academic award for english. I don't think that I can take anymore for awhile. I wonder what the little one has in store for me?

My former MIL came by on Wednesday with some furniture, cookbooks, and dishes for us. She had to put her mom in a nursing home recently and she's feeling kind of low. It couldn't be avoided. Grandma had fallen in the tub, set my girls' Christmas gifts on fire last year, was giving out money to dead beats just stopping by for that purpose, and was losing weight because she had forgotten whether or not she had recently eaten. My heart goes out to my dear friend(MIL). I can only imagine what a nightmarish decision it must have been for her.....

Tonight, we're off to buy new winter coats. I may regret spending the money next week, but it has to be done....The little one has grown so much that her big sister's hand me downs are too small....

So, that's my week in a nut shell. I skipped over the part about KC going to VORP and dealing with the crack head because I am too pissed to write about it. I will, though. I want to end the week with ahppy thoughts....Have a great weekend, every one.....

Thank You

I got a cheque in the mail today. It isn't a big cheque, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it is enough to buy bus tickets to get the kids to school, and Hubby to work. Tomorrow my middle daughter has her academic award ceremony, and I was worried that I wouldn't have bus fare to get us there. I wasn't expecting this money until next week, so it truly is a Godsend. I think that there can only be one explanation for this....
The prayers and thoughts of my blog buddies, all of whom have been incredibly supportive. Not once was I told to shut up, or to stop whining...Everyone was so kind. I had friends tell me that they would feed me if they could, offer to roll their coins for me, and was given the ulitmate offer by 2 blog friends and their families. I almost took them up on it, too. (No, really, I was going to phone today because of the bus fare situation). I have been shown more love and support in the past few days by blog buddies, then I have in the past few years by my own family.
Thank you to everyone. Thank you Marni, and 4D, and their families. Thank you to Diana, Dilling, Tod, Ldbug, Cinydianne, *(Asterisk), Camie Vog, Nonny, Callie, Coffeypot, Kate Isis, EVERYONE for your kind words and best wishes. And of course, thank you to Heidi (and Jethro) who have been dealing with me for YEARS.
Thanks, guys.
Biddie

The Truth About HIS Family

I love my Hubby. I love my family. I do NOT love my Hubby's family.
Hubby and I have been together for just over 5 years. We have been through so much together...More in 5 years than some people go through in 20. Hubby has helped me raise my 3 girls from 2 previous marriages. We have become a family in every way possible. My girls adore him, and like every other kid, they also hate him some days. They refer to him as "Dad", or "My Dad", but usually call him by his first name. KK has been reduced to tears more than once by a classmate or hurtful person telling her that 'S is not your Dad.' My response is to tell them that KK's relationship with her Dad is no one else's business. We decide who our family is, not someone who is of no importance to us.
My family, the family that I am still involved with, think of S as my Hubby, TMOC and Lucky think of him as their brother-in-law. It's that simple. The rest of family, Mom, Mum, 2 brothers, a sister, are no longer a part of my life. That makes it simple too.
Hubby's family is different altogether. He has 7 sisters, one brother, numerous nieces, nephews, his mom, his dad. He has been the go to guy since he was a kid. He quit school at 15 to work full time. He supported his family, turning over every paycheck for years to help out. He was single, without a serious girlfriend until 5 years ago, when we hooked up. This created a problem for S's family. With me, and 3 kids to support, love, live with, he could no longer be the guy to rush in to rescue eveyone else. He still cares, but his resources are now spoken for, he has his own family now. This means that he can't hand over a whole paycheck to give to a sister, so that she can go away for a weekend, or buy a new wardrobe, or a $500 bike for her kid. I'm not kidding. This is where his money went. He also paid for pedigree puppies, bought cars, paid for home improvements. This was expected because he had no family of his own to support. He was the one that was going to take of his parents in their old age. Pay the bills, give up his life to care for his parents, so that the other 8 siblings don't have to be bothered. That is what it boils down to. Give up your life so that I can live mine. It may sound unbelievable, but that's the truth. They have done just about everything that they could to break us up. They have even tried to convince me that S is cheating on me. I think it pisses them off that I am still here.


So, as a result, they hate me. Not me, so much as what I mean to them. I mean a loss of their freedom, a loss of their free time, a loss of their guilt free living. Now, instead of S picking up the slack, every one has to pitch in. I have been treated like gum stuck to a shoe. No, worse. Like dog shit stuck to a shoe. They don't even know me. They don't know that I would do just about anything for someone that I love, someone that I care about. They don't know that if they were to treat me with just an ounce of respect, or with a fraction of kindness, I would bend over backwards for them. They don't know this because they have never taken the time to get to know me.
So, S had it out with his mom today. He laid it out on the line. Treat Biddie with respect, or say good bye. I don't want it to come to that, but I am so tired of being hurt, of crying about people that have never given me a second thought.
S's mom was so shocked. She wanted to know what to do. Should they have a get together just for Biddie? Should we all go out, maybe have dinner?
Christ on a cracker, it's been 5 effing years! I have extended my hand so many times, that I just don't think that I can do it again. Why? I am done being hurt.
When Hubby asked for a loan last week, his mom' s response was 'If it were just you, we would, but HER...'
I doubt whether they even know my name. Well, they probably have their own name for me....
That's it. That's the reason that his family hates me. Not because I am a bad person, or an unfit mom or a horrible wife. They hate me because I love S.
I honestly don't know what will happen. Maybe S will be forgiving. Maybe we'll all have Christmas together, maybe, maybe, maybe...But I'm not holding my breath.

Long Week Ahead..............................................

I'm in a bad mood, and maybe I shouldn't even be writing..Maybe this is the best forum for me to vent..It's probably better than freaking out and slamming stuff around, or screaming at the people around me..
The past few weeks have been incredibly difficult. Ever since my notice from the ASS-HATS at hydro, things have gone steadily down hill. Hubby was laid off. It was only for a couple of days, but it really messed us up. Then, he went back to work, but has been unable to put in his usual hours. That wouldn't even be a huge problem except that my support from x #1 was cut in half, by him. He owes me about $3000.00. My Child Tax Credit stopped coming a few months back, too. All of this together has led to near diaster.
We only paid October rent yesterday. It left me with about $11.75. I'm not kidding. I need bus fare for Hubby to get to work, and J to get to school, and of course, groceries. It's that bad.
I have no family here, to speak of. I have no one to help, no one to turn to for supprt. Hubby has 8 siblings, all in town. He is the youngest, and the one that has always helped the others. He has paid the rent for one sister, for over a year. She has a job, she just likes to have spending money. He has drywalled and landscaped several different houses, for free, of course, 'cause that's what you do for family. Need something moved? Call my Hubby. A niece or nephew with a birthday? Hubby has been known to spend upwards of $500. Back to school shopping? No problem! Hubby will give you money. He has paid the mortgage AND taxes of one particular family member for 3 years. He 'sold' someone a car for $5oo - he got $20.
Where am I going with this, you ask? We need enough money for food and bus for the week...$150.00 will do it. Until Friday. You'd think that these people would be more than willing to help out, right?
Wrong.
As I sit here typing, I have no idea how we'll take care of the family until the end of the week. Hubby has heard a million different reasons why nobody can help us.
Don't get me wrong...Just because Hubby has helped someone out, doesn't mean that they are obligated to help him..I don't want people to think that Hubby or I do things for the reward. I don't. He doesn't. It's just that you would like to think that maybe, just maybe, the people that Hubby has dedicated his life to helping would care enough to do the same. It pisses me off and breaks my heart at the same time. I loaned one sib a cell phone because she had an infant and no phone. She ran up a $600 bill and gave me $40.
I could go on. And on.
So, it's Sunday night, and we have 5 more days until there is a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. If everything works out the way that it should, we'll be fine by the and of the week. Better than fine, really. I'll be able to pay some bills, buy my kids some new winter coats, and go the movies with my handsome Hubby. I might even take the girls out for dinner...Five more days...
It will be a long week. I have one consolation, though. When our long, hard week is over, we will be able to say that we did it alone, without the help of the ingrates that Hubby used to call family. I really think that this may be it now. I can't imagine Hubby speaking to them for a very long time. If ever.

Today is a big day. Today my eldest daughter graduates from high school. I have so many conflicting feeling about this.
My 1st daughter was born before I turned 19. I was a highschool drop out, living with my then boyfriend, also a drop out. It was a less than ideal start, to say the least. I had dreams of becoming a journalist, or a nurse, or .... It didn't matter then. Now I was a Mommy. I always wanted to be a Mommy, too. Just not at 18.
From the very beginning, I knew that I was meant to be a Mom. A wife, not so much, but I loved being a Mom. KC was beautiful, and funny, and oh my GOD, we thought that she was BRILLIANT. We all did, truthfully. (Of course, now that Heidi has her own kids, we've seen True genius. The Boy made an electric guitar out of cardboard. And the Girl? Where do I start?)
I remember KC's 1st day of kindergarten like it was yesterday. I can tell you what she wore, how she smiled, they way that my Dad and I cried as she made her way into the classroom. She was independant from the moment she could walk, talk, get around on her own. She was a little mother to her 2 younger sisters, teaching them everything that a big sister should. KK followed her everywhere, and J was dubbed 'Our Baby' by a 7 year old KC.
Things have changed. I'm no longer Mommy, I am Mom. I'm not tripping over toys any more, I'm tripping over shoes and school books, and purses littering the living room. The girls argue more now. If I have to hear one more disagreement about that GD hair straightener....KC is in college, working part time, and spending more time at parties then at home.
I know that this is normal, and I welcome her journey into adulthood. I do. It just seems as though every step forward is another step away from me. I want her to be happy, and successful, and to have her own life. I just miss the little girl that made me into a full fledged grown up. I miss the kid that would smile through her missing front teeth, laughing like mad at something that her baby sister had done. I miss Hallowe'en parties and birthday parties with 20 screaming kids. I miss barbie dolls and cartoons...(Ok, we still watch cartoons, but it's not the same).
I guess that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that we will drift apart, the way that I did from both of my mothers. I'm afraid of my kid getting kicked around by life and not being able to fix it for her.
So, tonight we go to see her get her diploma, the 1st of my girls to graduate from high school. Tonight I wll cry, and rejoice, and feel an overwhelming sense of pride. Tonight, my daughter will once again help me in my journey. Hubby and I will become parents of a Graduate. Life will be different for everyone. I don't know what will happen on her journey. I just hope that we have prepared her for everything that lies ahead . I hope that someday she has a daughter that changes her life, to make it better, enhance it, to complete it. The same way that she did for me.

The weekend was mostly uneventful. Hubby and I took J to the mall to get her pants for KC's grad ceremony on the 12th. The whole bus smelled like beer, courtesy of Oktoberfest and tourism Canada. Thank you. I bought her a pair of size 0 dress pants, and even they were too big. Maybe she does need to gain more weight.
KK came home from school on Friday with a note.....You know what that usually means - nothing good. Not this time. KK is getting an academic award for having the highest English grades last year. This is the same kid that has always needed extra help because of her learning diabilities. How proud am I?
Hubby's hours at work have been cut back, and I am sweating about the growing pile of bills. I was supposed to go to the hydro office today to see the lady in charge of collections. I don't think that I'll make it. My anxiety is kicking in full blast and I feel ill. Not only that, but KC lost her keys and took mine. That would normally not be a problem for someone that never leaves the house. It is today.
Ruby lost her mind while I was in the tub today, barking and pacing. Turns out that the crack heads next door were in my drive way again. Not just parking, but actually WORKING on a van. In MY driveway. I think that I should just start charging them a fee, and maybe it'll help pay our bills! The perfect solution!

MSN video

MSN video

I thought that some spooky ghost stories might be fun...watch if you dare!

With my kind of luck, this is where my next night away will be.

MSN video

MSN video

I love this video...makes me laugh everytime.....

It's That Time of Year Again....

Yup, it's here. The time of year that I so dread. Not autumn, or back to school, or Thanksgiving. No, what I'm talking about is .... OKTOBERFEST.
Never heard of it? This is what it boils down to. Oktoberfest runs for about 10 days, always the weekend of the Canadian Thanksgiving. We have a huge influx of tourists, infact, this is our tourist season. Many years ago, it was the celebration of the harvest - after the actual harvesting was done, of course. Now, it has come down to this: Beer, music, shnitzel, saur kraut, and sausage. This means that the buses will be over crowded, the hotels/motels will be all booked up, and drunken idiots will be wandering the streets. What fun!
But wait, there's more! We also have a parade. Yup, complete with Onkle Hans, the big, orange headed mascot. Then there's the Miss Oktoberfest pagent. Oh, yeah, I'm for real, here folks. Ladies come from all over the world to vie for the honour. No, I'm not kidding. I wish that I was.

I hate it.
I don't drink beer. I don't listen to polka music, and I refuse to do the Chicken dance. I refuse.
And Onkle Hans? He scares the sh*t ouuta me.
I might go to the parade. It is just outside my door. I might even go to the tapping of the keg - the official start of Oktoberfest. Could be interesting. One year, a guy threw a pie in the face of the keg tapper...It might have been the Premiere of Ontario, I forget. I might even ride the bus late at night for free. (They do this to keep the drunks from driving). Sometimes, they have a laser light show downtown. About 2 blocks away from where we live.
I won't wear the red or green hats. They look like Peter Pan's hat, but they have a white or yellow feather tucked in the band. For an extra few $ you can buy a HUGE feather that you are guaranteed to lose before the festivities are over.
Yeah, I might check out some of the free stuff.
I will NOT however, enjoy myself of have fun. You have my word on it.

It's here..................

Remember last week when I mentioned waiting for my way cool ebay purchase? Well, it's here! I am so excited and as usual, I'm home alone with no one to share my joy.
I have been collecting toys for a couple of years now. Mostly toys from my childhood, but anything that strikes my fancy, really. I gave myself a $20 limit, so it makes it hard to indulge in my passion.
My latest purchase was an Enemy Visitor, from the V tv series, circa 1984. I have been looking for one for a few years now, and the last one that I found on ebay went over $150.00 - way out of my price range.
I finally found one one ebay last month. At $22.99 with shipping, it came in just over budget. Today, it arrived! He is sitting (quite regally) on the shelf along side my Glinda doll, and the Pilsbury dough boy.
I love V, and have been waiting for my action figure like a little kid at Christmas. With all of the crap going on lately, this is just what I needed.
Anyway, must go now, my action figure awaits..........

We Interrupt This Program

My electricity went out yesterday, just as I was getting in to A Haunting. It didn't just flicker and go out, but blew out, like something from a B movie. There was a huge zap, we could hear sizzeling, and the whole house vibrated. So did the church next door, just as the parishoners were arriving.
Everyone was stumped as to the cause. Even the beat cops on the corner couldn't figure it out. It took my Hubby, as usual, to save the day. He knew right away that the hairless, smoking squirrel at the foot of the hydro pole had to be the culprit. Poor little guy, Never knew what hit him.
It took less than an hour to get the problem fixed, and the hydro workers removed the charred corpse.
I still feel bad for the little squirrel.....

Dirty Sanchez

Dirty Sanchez The Movie, Not Screech!!

Screech's 'Saved By The Smell': The Teaser Trailer - Defamer

Screech's 'Saved By The Smell': The Teaser Trailer - Defamer

I couldn't believe what I was reading...Screech in a manage a trios? Screech doing something called a Dirty Sanchez? Say it ain't so? I just hope that Lisa Turtle isn't in it, too. I don't think that I could handle it.......Don't worry, there's no actual nudity here. If you're brave enough, check it out...

So I'm sitting here, checking out other blogs, looking in on my friends, when there's a knock at the door. It's 9:30 am, and I am not dressed. I figure that it's the mailman, 'cause I'm waiting for my way cool e bay purchases.
Nope. It's the landlord. Uh-oh. This means that I can't just stick my head out the door and yell 'leave it on the porch.' What to do....See, my landlord is an old fashioned german man, about 80 years old. He'll want to come right in, have a coffee...Yeah. Like I'm in the mood to entertain. So, I think, ignore him, he'll go away and he'll phone later. He never speaks to me anyway, 'cause I'm just the lady of the house. So, I wait. He keeps knocking. And knocking. KC is upstairs in the tub, and now I'm praying that she doesn't scream out 'hey, ma, get the door.' She doesn't. She's hip to the act and she comes tip toeing down quietly.
Landlord is STILL there, banging. Then, he tries the door knob. Now what? It's not locked...If he sees me standing there, watching the door, he'll think I'm a freak...I am but I see no reason for the landlord to know this. A woman has to have some secrets, after all. If I lock the door, he'll hear the latch click. So,I did the only thing that I could do. When he tried to push his way in, I pushed back. I hope that he thinks that we just have a loose knob.( Yeah, I know, something is loose). Meanwhile, the dogs are barking theirs tails off, the blue jay is shrilling, and the cockatools are flapping around their cage like the house is on fire.
I wonder if he knows that I was home? I wonder how he would like it if I just came right into his house? ( He came busting right in on Hubby and I once when we were home alone. If that man would have come in 2 minutes earlier, he would've had a stroke, if you get my drift.)
I don't know how to handle this situation with the guy. Not only is it illegal to come busting in on someone, it's down right rude. If my kids were home alone and he did that, they would be scared half to death. We have already explained to him that it scares us when someone just comes busting in like that. I don't know what else to say. Any ideas?
I love our little house, but this is driving me crazy. When we fiest moved in, the landlord came right in to my kitchen, through the back yard, and we almost lost a couple of rabbits that were loose, because they left the door wide open.
Ok. So I have rambled and vented. Thanks for listening, and PLEASE offer up any advice. I'll be waiting.....

I needed a laugh...And I thought that I would share.

Missing You

I have been missing my Dad a lot lately. He passed away 7 years ago, shortly after my 30th birthday. It wasn't a shock, my Dad had been living with a terminal illness for about 10 years. The 1st couple of years we could almost pretend that he wasn't sick. He still worked, volunteered at the church, was a member of the board-of-trade in our small town. He was tired, breathed heavier, struggled a little more with everyday things. Eventually, his energy waned altogether, and he was home bound. The day that he had to surrender his drivers licence was one of the hardest.
My Dad used to race stock cars. He was a body guard at rock concerts. He played hockey. After my Mum left us, he took over as mom and dad. I remember a mother/daughter tea party with my brownie troupe. We made paper plate hats with tissue paper flowers. My Dad not only came, he also proudly wore the hat.
We didn't always get along. I recently found a letter written during my rebellious teen years, to him, lamenting about the "shit" that I put up with from my Dad.
How he didn't kill me, I'll never know.
I can remember my Dad telling me solemly that 'someday, when you have kids, you will understand.' I do.
He not only loved his kids, he loved his grandkids. My 3 girls were the loves of his life. The day that KC was born, he cried openly, tears running down his cheeks as he held his 1st granchild. I had only seen him cry once before, at the funeral of his mother.
He would drop everything to be with his little girls. He doted on them as much as he could, as much as his terrible illness would allow.
I miss him so much. Even after 7 years, I still find myself reaching for the phone, to tell him a joke, or ask his advice. He was my best friend. Really, he was. I told him everything.
He never got to meet my new Hubby, and I know that he would loved him. He never got to see J take her 1st Communion. He never got to see KK or KC graduate from grade 8. In 3 weeks, KC will be getting her high school diploma, and I know that he would be so proud. I know that KC feels the loss of her Grampie just as much today as she did 7 years ago.
I hated watching my Dad waste away. In the end, eating lunch would tire him out so much that he nearly fell asleep during each meal. He could no longer speak to me on the phone, but instead would listen as I rattled on about my day. I am so happy that my Dad isn't suffering. Nobody deserved the ravaging disease that stole him away from us. I am happy that he can run, race his cars, breathe without an oxygen tube now. I know that he is doing all of these things in Heaven. I believe. I know that someday, I will see him again. I know this the same way that I know my name, or the day that each of my girls were born.
Until then, I guess that I will have to cherish my memories. Here's to you Daddy, until we meet again.

Class Trip

Ok, I took the lazy way out and posted another photo. I am having a hard time composing my thoughts, putting words into sentences that make sense...So, instead of not posting, I'm going to share some of my fav images from the internet. Hope you like 'em.

Hydro = Ass-Hats

This weekend was supposed to be our night away at a cheesey motel. We postponed last weekend due to circumstances beyond our control. I didn't mind. What's one week, right?
Everything was a-go until yesterday afternoon. I got my hydro bill in the mail but wasn't too worried. I figured that I owed about $80. Not quite.
It seems that some ASS-HAT down at the hydro company found a bill of Hubby's for a former address. I don't know if he owes the money or not. HE doesn't know if he owes the money or not. The reason being, the bill is from 14 years ago. Yup, you heard me, 14 effing years ago. So the ASS-HATS at hydro figure that we now owe....$1203.59. No, that's not a phone number, it's my hydro bill. It's ok though, they gave me 9 days to pay it.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that ANYONE should be able to collect 14 years after the fact. Please. How could we possibly prove or disprove anything after 14 years? I am so mad. We were so close to getting caught up and maybe having a bit of fun, too.
What am I going to do about it? I'm going to pay the damn thing. I learned my lesson the hard way that you can't fight city hall. Or the hydro company. Going away would have been nice, but electricity is fun, too.

And Further More

There has been so much happening in my life the past week or two.
I took J to see her specialist yesterday. Why does he always make me feel like I'm a kid in the principals office? Don't get me wrong, Dr.D is a great doctor, he really is. He just makes me feel completely incompitent. J gained nearly 8 lbs, and even grew a little bit. Her blood sugar is still too high, but she is healthy - er. Her cheeks are looking rosy again and she's playing with the puppy non stop. She just needs to get her b.g. at an acceptable level. We have changed her insulin routine,and I'm hoping for the best.
The saga contiues with KC and the crack heads. She has another court date on the 29th of this month, and a meeting with the mediator on the 25th. This crap has been going on since before we moved in here. I don't understand the 'juctice' system at all. This kid was threatened and harrassed for months, and now the court system is doing it, too. It doesn't seem fair or just. I wonder what the outcome will be after the Victim Offender Reconciliation Program. I wonder if my daughter will ever feel safe again? I wonder if she will ever trust the court system again?
My former mom in law came by today. We are still super close, and she loves Hubby like a son. Our family may not be conventional, but it works for us. Anyway, she stopped by after school, and stayed for a couple of hours. It's always a good time when Gramma is here.
In other news, who else is pissed about Dog the Bounty Hunter being arrested? C'mon, 3 freaking years after he and his team take down Andrew Luster, a man now serving time (120+ years)for raping 3 women, NOW they want Dog and his team? Please. What the eff is going on here? Can we say conspiracy?
I have had it with blogger!!! I can't down load my photo of Dog. Just doesn't seem fair....