I'm Still Here

I got this over at Canadian Flake's blog.....

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Duchess Bridget the Encompassing of Nether Wombleshire Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

So, as you can see, I am still here. Shawn called the phone company and got us an extentionsion until Friday. I don't know if this is feasible, but at least it bought me some time. (Whew) I will go bonkers if we lose the internet and cable AND our telephone service. Completely over the edge. I am NOT kidding.

My brother arrives tomorrow, with his new wife. I have known her for 23 (?) years, but TMOC and Lovey just got married in May. This will be the 1st time that I will see her as my sister in law. We were supposed to bbq, but TMOC decided that he would rather go out with HIS relatives for dinner instead. Oh, but we can tag alonng if we like....No thanks. I think that I will opt out of this one. We don't have the money, and I am tired of getting shafted, quite frankly. I wonder if TMOC will read this blog entry? Maybe it will do him some good if he does.....I miss the days when we were still close....

Is it just me, or has it been a LONG week? I dunno. Either way, the weekend seems to be dragging out, and I think it's because Shawn has to work. Yup, all weekend. His asshat boss decided to take half of paycheques every week, so we are still way behind. He hasn't had a full week yet, either, expect for this one. You can imagine how tight money has been. I am hoping that things will change SOON. Things can only get better, right?

I will run out of my meds this week, and since there was a smallish problem with my taxes, I am not getting my baby bonus, either. That puts us another $500 in the hole. It just seems IMPOSSIBLE right now.

On a happier note, Heidi, Jethro, KC, Spencer and I are going to see Poison on the 28th. This will NOT be like Beyonce. These are $20 tickets, and we will be sitting on a lawn. I will probably have to sneak my camera into the venue under my - er- the girls. Might even hide a mickey of vodka, too. (Yes, yes, all in the same place). I am soo excited. I WILL be holding a sign that says C.C. I LOVE YOU. I don't care if he can see it or not. I'm doing it. I will probably tease my hair, too. We'll see. I'll have to check with Heidi, just like we used to in high school before the dances.

TMOC will be here this week. He is coming for a wedding, so I wasn't expecting to much of him, but he is only coming by on Wednesday night for supper. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I wish that he would spend more time with his neices. KC and TMOC used to be SOOO close. It's sad that there is a distance now...and I don't mean the one from here to Nova Scotia.

My internet might be cut on Tuesday. I have all my services on a bundle, and that is how much I owe. Shawn is going to try to work some majic, but I just don't know....If I'm gone for awhile, don't panic. I haven't been sent back to the funny farm (it's not veery funny there), I'm just off line.



And, because I promised....Here's Heidi at Beyonce. She's a real rocker chick. What? What's that? Where's the photos of me? Umm, gotta go now..................................

The Beyonce Experience

The Beyonce Experience...It's kind of in point form now, because blogger is being an ass hat, and I have tried about 3 times to publish this, so I'm just pushlishing as is.....

Check out the background singers. BBW. Seriously. I dig them. Big, beautiful, and fabulous singers...
See the scary looking girl with the guitar? She now has five new big fans. I can not say enough about Beyonce's band. Incredible. Amazing. Beyond words.


My sister sent us the tickets, just because. She is SO cool like that. This is also the sister that sent me 2 ipods a few months back. Anyway, my sister has a friend that works at the record label, and did he ever hook us up! We got floor seats, 11th row. Now, in case you didn't hear me, I'll say it again. ELEVENTH ROW. Heidi and I were practically shaking. I mean, we could see Beyonce's face. Like her facial features. It was AMAZING. I will never have seats like that again, ever.

Robin Thicke opened for Beyonce, and all I could think of was...Your Dad used to be on Growing Pains. He tried - bless his heart - to dance, but most of his moves? Not so much with the dancing. Some were really good, others were more like a cry for help. His singing was not my style, but still very good.

We made it back to the bus station at 11:20- our bus was leaving at 11:30. Ten minutes to spare. Unbeliveable.
How amazing is it that two anxiety ridden chics made it to the Big City, with kids in tow, and home again, without a full blown attack?

I am so proud of us.

Ok, I'm back. I don't after all, have Strep FINGERS. My sterp throat seems to be gone, I just have a bad cold now, maybe some form allergies...ARGH. I still feel crappy, but not as bad as before.

Anyway, things are pretty much the same here. The new carpet is down, thank goodness. It's a different look, but the other shit was soo threadbare and smelly, I am so glad to be rid of it.

We are still losing half of Shawn's pay every week. We haven't gone any farther with the bankrupcy yet, because we can't afford to. We're stuck. I can't see how we'll go on from here. We haven't been able to get our rent money together, and in a week, my internet will be gone. I can't figure out what to do....

I have heard back from disability, though. Not a yes or a no, just that they recieved my papers and are considering them. I have no idea how long this process will take, but I am one step closer. I guess that is good news.

Wednesday is the Beyonce concert, and as of today, I have NO IDEA how I am getting myself and 2 kids to Toronto to meet Heidi and her girl. The tickets were free, but I didn't count on our money situation being quite this bleak. Heidi is probably having a panic attack after reading this....

Shawn keeps saying DON'T WORRY.

Oh, ok, then. The situation seems so impossible.

I guess that if there is any good news, it would that Shawn and I are better than ever. As a couple. It's not really something that I can explain. Things are just so GOOD, even with all of this stress.

How can I be so HAPPY with my life falling apart?

Tag, I'm It

So, I've been tagged again, and since I have strep throat, and I am feverish and cranky, I am going to this MY way. (Well, I TOLD you that I was cranky). I'm going to do them both at once, and I'll probably end up getting something wrong, BUT I just might have fun doing it, so it's all good, right?
I was tagged by KB, and Jamie, and argh...who else tagged me? Marni? I told you, I'm feverish, here. I've been sick since Friday and we are in the middle of a freaking DIY reno..Apparently, Shawn has decided to go on strike or something. My furniture is literally upside down in one room, and the carpet is almost done, there is just debris everywhere....oh, wait, I'm supposed to be doing something here, right? Yeah, the MEME's. Ok. Here goes the first one.

The first one is where you go to wikipedia and type in your date of birth, and come up with three intresting fact, two birthdats, and a holiday, right? Ok, here we go.
June 26.

In 1284, the Pied Piper lured 130 children away from Hamelin.

In 1819, the bicycle is patented

In 1997, Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone is published in the UK

In 1955, Mick Jones, is born ( The Clash)

In 1969, Bridget Steeves is born

June 26 is Independence Day in Madagascar

Tag Number Two...............

Tag number two is where you take your middle name, and take one fact that is somehow relevant to each letter of your middle name to your life... Um, yeah. Well, that kinda sucks, cuz my middle name is COLLEEN.

So, here we go.

C- Crazy. It's kinda true. I mean, it's not stamped on my forehead or anything, but I have had a stay at the funny farm....

O - Obviously wonderful.

L - Loyal. I can say that without a doubt. I am completely loyal to my friends and loved ones and family.

L- Again? Lightheaded. This fever is getting to me, man.

E - Energy. I wish that I had more of it. I never have enough. Ever.

E - What, do I stutter? Epic. Really, Jessica said epic, so I'll go with that. Besides, Shawn said that my sandwiches are epic.

N - Nighthawk. I have a lot of insomnia. I mean ALOT.

Ok. I can't think of anyone else to tag, because I think that most of us have been tagged, BUT if anyone wants to do this, then by all means, go ahead, and let me know. Can't wait to see what you all have to say....

Tagged !

I have been tagged by Rain, my newest blog buddy, to tell you 8 random facts about me or my habits. For those of who that have been reading me since the beginning, you probably know everything except my bra size...and I'm not about to tell you that! A girl has to have SOME secrets.


1. I took grade 9 two years in a row, and then I was skipped ahead to grade 11. Never really had grade 10. Does that make me an idiot or a freaking genius?

2. I hate using the telephone. Hate it. I will talk to Heidi, and when we do, we may be on the phone for over an hour, but we don't call each other that often. I call my sister, too, and I have even gotten phone calls from a couple of super cute blog buddies....I will answer the phone. I just hate PHONING people sometimes...It seems like such a chore. I don't know why that is. I think that alot of has to do with my depression.

3. I have more blog friends than 'real' friends. It's true. I seldom leave the house, and I haven't worked in years, so it's hard to maintain friendships. The friends that I do have I have had for YEARS (more than half of my life), but I find it difficult to meet new people. Might be easier if I ever left the house....

4. Speaking of which, I left the house for the first time ALONE in almost one year last month. Had to. I had to see my shrink.. It was the day of aunt's funeral, and I knew that I would be seeing my Mum. What I didn't know is that I would be seeing Mission Mary (dear old step mom) there as well, and by the end of the night, my brain would be snapping. Thank goodness I made it there before that happened.

5. I almost ran away to keep my ex from getting my kids. Yup, I did. I was almost one of those Movie-Of-Week Moms. Jessie's father decided back in 2001 that he wanted custody, and I was TIRED. Just plain tired. I had been fighting with ex number 1 for years over KK and KC, and I was all alone. I just didn't feel like I could do the whole thing again. My Mum was still on speaking terms(ish) with me, and was going to give us a place to live....Anyway, long story short? Shawn and I got serious, and I realized that Geoff didn't stand a chance at custody. I stayed, I fought, I won. Thank goodness. I can't imagine living like that...I would have though. The environment at his house is NOT healthy, and I would do anything for my kids.

6. I hate bugs. HATE them. Doesn't really matter what kind (unless it's a ladybug, they're good luck). I mean, I worked in the morgue, right? No problem. But bugs? That's a whole other story!

7. I think that I'm addicted to The 2 Corey's. I make no apologies. That's just the way it is.

8. I love my dog. I mean I LOVE my dog. LOVE. She is the light of my life. Of sure, I have kids, and they're ok, too, but Ruby? She's the best.

Now, for the tagging. I tag...Heidi, Canadian Flake, and Marni. Don't forget to let your friends know that you have tagged them! :0)

I'm still here, alive and kicking...I am really struggling with all of this red tape and paper work involved in the whole bankrupcy process. I still don't have the rent money together, because we haven't filed our papers because of all the red tape because....Well, you get it.

Anyway, I'm still here. Just preoccupied right now.
Sigh.

Happiness Is...

Kayla and Jessica July 29th, 2007
KC and Heidi July 29, 2007 (please don't hate me!)

The sunflowers that Kayla and Shawn planted this year.
Biddie and Hedi at the Juno celebration party. I actually don't like this photo of me that much, BUT....I love Heidi and I love the fact that it is Heidi and Biddie together. What more could I ask for?

Rockin' Blogger

A little while back, Her Indoors picked me for the Rockin' Blogger Award. I had so much going on that I just couldn't even begin to fathom such a thing. ME? Really?

Well, things have settled down a bit since then, and I am finally taking time to thank my friend for awarding me such an honour. I still can't do links, so you'll have to look for Her Indoors on my side bar. You all know her by now, anyway.

I think that I'm supposed to hand this special little award out to some other deserving people. Is it ok if I pick my own daughter? I pick The Adult In Question (Random, on my sidebar, for anyone that my be new here) because, well, she rocks. Where else can can you hear the straight dope on what it's like to be a college student living at home with the coolest parents ever? (Ok, maybe that's MY perspective, but whatever). I still think that she rocks. She reminds me that sometimes I need to take time to stop and smell the roses, or listen to the music.... Either way, she rocks

The next person that I pick is Deb. She is new reader/friend. Why does she rock? Five kids, SEVEN grandkids, and still she finds time to blog? I love her humour, her way of looking at life, and I promise, spend 5 minutes with her, and you'll love her too! (She's on my side bar now, too)

I could easily say that all of my blog buddies are Rockin' Bloggers. Honestly. You all are. Every one of you. I have to leave some awards for the others to give out, though, don't I? :)

Good News!

Who's been praying for me? It's confession time heere. Who's been praying for me? Seriously.

I think it worked.

Two of the church committee memebers just came by with eviction papers. I told them what's happening...with the bankrupcy, the back taxes, the garenshee, and laid it out on the table. I told them that if I file bankrupcy, I can include them in my debts, and they will be out the $3200 that we owe....OR, they can work WITH us, and still get their money.

Guess what?

I have until the 2nd Sunday in August to come up a signed agreement and my August rent. If I can pay my rent every month, and make payments on the back rent, WE CAN STAY.

No, wait, let me say it again. WE CAN STAY.

Thank you.

This is what it's all about. Family. Real family. See the smiling lady in the brown sweater?

That's my (older) cousin Wendy. She was the closest that I ever came to big sister until Lucky came along. She took me rollerskating, took me on Road trips,(and never complained about the numerous pitstops along the way) did my hair, taught me about boys, and called me Spinner.

I adored her.

The other lady is my aunt Dolena. She bought me red dancing shoes when I was 4. I thought that I could dance forever. She is my Godmother and she has taught me many lessons over the years. I bet that she doesn't even realize it.

I look at this photo, and I feel good. These are the people that count. Screw the rest of em.

SO, long story short? Betty ignored me for more than SEVEN straight hours, first at the funeral home, and then at a family gathering later.
The night before, also bad. Horrible. Very bad. My brain snapped, BUT, I made it. Oh yeah. Neither one of my mothers could break the Biddie.
Aside from Betty's complete indifference to me and her grandchildren, it was a great day. I laughed my ass off, and got to hang with cousins, aunts and uncles that I rarely get to see. I have a special connection to my cousin Wendy, and she told me in no uncertain terms that Betty owns this disfunction, not me. There were hugs a-plenty, and many photos were taken. Expect to see some on facebook, unless Tanya and Kim take bribes.
It's too bad that my Aunt Kaddy had to die to bring us all together again. I hate that. I am hoping that maybe her death will bring Betty closer to HER family, and will make her realize that life is too short for this. Hoping, but not holding my breath.

Whew. Last night was ......... well. Heidi said that the worst thing that could have happened, happened, and I survived. Hows that? That was just the wake, though. Today is the actual funeral. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle things today. Shawn is at work, and TMOC is here. Last night, after the wake, my first stop was the liquor store. Today, I'm ready for anything.

Wish me luck.

Oh, yeah....by the way. I hate when people always say..oooh, doesn't he/she look GOOD when there is a visitation at a funeral home. NO, they don't look good. They look dead. Plastic. Pretend.
Just had to get that off my chest.

Later...................

What A Week!

Where do I start? This has been one hell of a long week...I'm not even sure where to start. What day is it, anyway?

On Monday (I think it was Monday) Shawn and I went to Revenue Canada to see just how much they think he owes on back taxes. The first number that they gave us was pretty high...$15 grand, but, I thought, managable. I wasn't sweating like a whore in church just yet. I really thought we could deal with that amount. Well, as it turns out, that amount is WRONG. The nice lady that we spoke with thinks that a more accurate number is actually about $50 grand, which is what I have been saying all along. She informed us with a big smile on her face that she will from this point on be taking 50% of Shawns paychecks to recover the debt. Starting July 31st, if we haven't cleared it up, she will begin to "squeeze a little harder" and take 75%.

I think at this point that Shawns chin literally hit the floor. I had to pick it up for him. We had gone it come in with some kind of repayment plan, and this is what was offered to us. Of course, she knows what our total income is, because she works for Rev Can. She knows that my income is NIL, and that Shawn is the sole support of our household.

There is good news. Shawn is NOT going to jail. This is something that he was afraid of. It could have happened. The Canadian goverment has done it before. I think that the powers that be KNOW that by putting in the clink, they will never collect on this debt, or collect ANY tax money from him again. Thank God for that.

So, yesterday, on Friday the 13th, we went to see some Bankrupcy Trustees. NOW I was sweating like a whore in church, let me tell you. I had heard horror stories about claiming bankrupcy. The truth is, it's not that bad. We own NOTHING. Not one thing. Two nasty divorces wiped me out, and Shawn? He's got nada. I have a lot of paper work to get together, and Shawn has to get his tax information in order, but the bottom line is way less scary then the altrenative.

We will pay the trustees $160 a month for 9 months. If our income surpasses the $3787 a momth that we are allowed by the gov't (yeah, right), then we pay the trustess half of the surpluss. That's IT. By doing that, we will wipe out ALL of Shawns debt. We don't stand to lose anything. Our credit rating is shot, so starting over doesn't scare me. The day that the papers are filed, then NOBODY can come after him for any money owed. Not even RevCan.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I really don't care if money will be tight for nine months. Money is ALWAYS tight. The past few months have been awful, and we have been hiding from RevCan anyway. At least this way, we can clear it all up and start over.

My Aunt Kaddy passed away late on the 12th. I was relieved. She was in pain, and it was hard to see her like that. I spent her last 3 days at the hospital with her, and I am SO glad that managed to make it there. Sometimes, you just have to kick that anxiety in the ass.

Of course, this means that Betty, Stan, and TMOC are all on their way here from Nova Scotia. I think that I could deal with Betty much easier if TMOC weren't here. It isn't his fault, but his being here will make it even worse for me. She will spend every minute with him, and I will be the odd man out. I am not thick skinned enough to ignore it. I will try, but I know that she will get to me. The best that I can do is not to let her know it.

We got an eviction notice on Monday, too. It just keeps getting better, doesn't it? With the bankrupcy looming, there really isn't a way for Shawn to even work overtime and make up what we owe on the rent. I don't know what we'll do. I feel like we have been given a fresh start with the bankrupcy, and I practically floated home yesterday. I am really hoping for a miracle, here. Karma, maybe. I dunno.

Shawn and I had to pick up insulin and we missed the bus...We were at the bus stop, and had been there about 40 minutes...my ankle was killing me, Shawn was tired...crazy tired, when a taxi pulled up and offered us a ride. For FREE. After the week that I had, I thought it was a mirage. It wasn't, though, it was, it was my favourite cabbie that drives me home most Fridays from the grocery store. He drove us to the pharmacy for free because (he says) I always leave him a nice tip.
As I was leaving the taxi, I found a purse, kind of tucked in the seat. It might have been stuffed with money. I need money. Alot of it. Nobody would have known that I had the purse, and I could have gotten away scott free.

Well, nobody would have known but me. I gave the purse to cabbie, who told me that it belonged to a little old lady that had forgotten it earlier in the evening. And, yeah, it probably was stuffed with cash.

Karma, Baby.

Today is 8 years since my Dad passed away, and 10 years since Lucky's Mom passed away.

We miss you.

It's Sunday morning, and everyone is still asleep. This is the first quiet moment that I have had in days. (deep breath)



Okay.



KC got a message on her cell phone from my OTHER mother yesterday that went something like this...'KC, this is Mary.(long pause)......I have some things that belong to Bridgets father that I don't want. I'll be dropping them off later today. '



Ok. Let's review this....BRIDGET'S FATHER? Doesn't she mean Grandpa? How effing cold is that? So, I spent that WHOLE day waiting for that lunatic to show up and drop off stuff that is probably nothing more than just a pile of papers or maybe another set of false teeth....I think it must be stuff that her new hubby doesn't want cluttering up the place that isn't worth any real money......



Meanwhile, back at the ranch.....I am still awaiting word on Bio Betty's sister, Kaddy. Last I heard, they were taking her off of life support on Monday. Some of my family members will arriving tomorrow, others, like Betty, are waiting until after my aunt is gone. It's too hard on Betty, don'tcha know?



Shawn is out of town working. He's coming home today. There's just too much crap going on here to be away from home, and there is a job that he can start in town tomorrow. I think that the time away was good for us, but just between you-and-me...I will be SO glad when he walks through that door tonight!



So, Mission Mary will be here in about an hour, give or take,and Bio Betty will be arriving in less than a weeks time. I get to be rejected pretty much tag team style. It sucks. I spent most of yesterday feeling like I was going to throw up. I am so dreading the next week or so.



Anyway, as you can see, the past few days have been diffucult for Ruby, too. She barely finished her dinner before she fell asleep the other night. Her boyfriend The Pug came for a visit yesterday, and only stayed about 10 minutes. No wonder they call 'em the dog days of summer.....



***update***



Mission Mary came and dropped off some stuff. I'm surprised at what she brought. Most of it is complete and utter crap. This is what she does...brings me crap because she knows that I won't be able to part with it. Some of what I got was a complete shock. I got my Grandmothers cabinet. Not just any cabinet, but the same cabinet that I have been asking for since my Dad died, almost exactly 8 years ago. I also got: 3 bags of pens, 1 bag of pencils, 1 pair of polyester tennis shorts, a strand of Christmas lights, my fathers dogs rabies tags, a new, unopened, tube of tooth paste (must have been special to my dad?), a comforter, curtains, 2 coffee mugs, some old family photos (many, many, are missing), my grandmothers antique lamp, a binder of handwritten peotry, his passport....There's a lot of stuff...Some models, handcrafted, that he spent hours on, crammed into bags, smashed to pieces. I think what took my breath away the most was the sight of my Dad's beloved flag, stuffed into the bottom of one the piles of clothes. I almost didn't notice it.



I hated that flag. My Dad hung it every year at the family cottage. It has our family crest, and he made sure that it was the 1st thing he did when he opened the cottage for the year. He flew that Damn flag. Now, It's down, cuz, Mission Mary has another name. She won't be needing anything with John Joseph STEEVES name on it anymore.



Maybe that's a good thing.

One of my aunts is very ill right now. I got a phone call last night telling me that she is in a coma is not expected to survive the next few days. I like my aunt very much. She is sweet and good natured, and nothing at all like Bio Betty.....

Oh, yeah, did I mention that? Bio Betty and the rest of the family will be arriving from the 4 corners of the world. I know how selfish this is going to sound. I do.

I am not ready for this.

I think that if I have to deal with Bio Betty and some of the others, I just may end up the hospital. I don't want to see anyone. I'm not ready. It's only been a year since I last saw Betty, and I just can NOT go there again.

I hate this. I have a huge family. Most of them don't bother with me, even though we live in the same city. I have have an aunt and 2 cousins on my facebook. That's the extent of my family involvement. Thanks to Bio Betty, I am pretty much a stranger among my own people. Of course, there is always the OTHER side of my family...You know, the side that disowned me and stole my inhieritance.

I just want to be left alone. I do. I just want this all to go away. Maybe I can just hide under a big pile of coats until this all blows over....

Baked Potato, Anyone?

SIGH.

Can anyone guess what this is?

Anyone?

It's Shawns new blanket. Yupper. It is. It's one of those emergency blankets that you use for camping or you put in a first aid kit your car. I left the man alone for TEN MINUTES and this is what happens.

I find him wrapped up in this.

I tried to get a photos of him sleeping with, but he woke up just as I was zooming in for the kill - er - picture. He wanted to take the damn thing to bed with us.

Oh, and the best part?

It crinkles when you move.

Where are my meds...?

Well, friends, I'm 38 now. Hard to believe, isn't it? I know, I can hardly believe it myself. The highlight of my day was the brand new ipod shuffle that I got from KC and Spencer. Yup, that's right. A brand new ipod shuffle. It's full of 'old lady music' now, so Jessica won't be borrowing it.

The other highlight (not counting the squirtguns that I got) would have to be the Operation game. Not just ANY Operation game, but Spiderman Operation.

I know. I can hardly catch my breath. Anyone wanna play?

Tagged by Coffey Pot

1 WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes. I was named after my
Dad's best friends wife..or something like that. They ended up divorced, but I did meet her once. Bio - Betty actually wanted to name me Bridey, but a pyschic told her that name would bring me bad luck.....Good call on that one, Betty.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED Yesterday. I cry everyday, it's no big.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sometimes. When my arthritis bothers me, my writing looks like a chicken scratch.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Hmmm. Only one? Well, I would have a burger for lunch, if I had a choice. Does that count?
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, 3. All girls, but you all know that.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I don't know. I am fiercely protective of those I love, and completely loyal, but I can be a real pain in the ass.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT ? Do you know me at all? Please.
.8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Not for a million dollars.
10. YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Raisin Bran, or Shreddies
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes...Depends on which shoes I'm wearing, and how lazy I'm feeling
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Not really, but piss me off and watch me go!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? any if it is Brookfield brand...can't buy it here. I love almost any though..cookies and cream, chocolate mint, pralines and cream...
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their smile...
15. RED OR PINK? red
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU? My smile.
. 17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Dad, and my Poodle
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? whatever..
.19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? brown tank top, black shorts..isn't this a little personal?
.20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Crap..don't tell my shrink, cuz he said not to eat chips, but guess what I had about 2 hours ago?
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Shawn, on the phone, and the tv in the background
.22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? .Purple
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS? Gas..it reminds me of my Dad's towing company, and my uncle's service station. Oh, yeah, that and fresh baked bread.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Shawn..he called me at lunch to tell me that he loved me.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes, I do! He is my ispiration!
26. What is your favorite TV show? Only one? Hmmmm Jericho...Or Heroes
27. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? None, really,but I will watch a boxing match now and again.
28. HAIR COLOUR? brown, but shawn says auburn, and the kids say gray
29. EYE COLOUR? blue, and yes, they are REAL
30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? oh yeah. Blind as a fruit bat without them
31. FAVOURITE FOOD? home made lasagne
32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary, always scary.
33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Apocolypto. LOVED it. No wait..Ghost rider. Not bad.
34. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? A bit...
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, baby, I was born in June.
36. HUGS OR KISSES? I like both, but I love LOVE a good bear hug. The best that I ever got? Hmmm Jethro, or my cousin Mark, or Shawnie.
37. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Only one? Crap. I'll go with....cherry cheesecake? blueberry cheesecake? Ice cream?
38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I dunno..I'll be happy if ANYONE does.
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Maybe 4D. He hates these things.
40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? I actually haven't been able to finish a book since my depression kind of bottomed me out again. I have about 10 books here waiting..The last one that I read was written by Heidi. That was in April. I have one by VC Andrews (a guilty pleasure) that I have been working on since December.
41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Food crumbs
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Nothing. Shawn took me to the movies. It was my birthday gift, we saw 1408
43. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SOUND? My kids laughing.
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I don't really care for either, but if I had to pick ONE then I would pick the Beatles
45. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Not too far, really. I travelled to New York city once, and of course, Detriot, but I haven't ever really traveeled much. Been to Nova Scotia, but I lived there, so that kind of makes it home...
.46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes, but I only share it with Shawn...
47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Walaceburg, on lake St. Claire, right here in Ontario
48. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GET BACK? Anyones....But I'm hoping that maybe Tod will do this for me...He is always a good sport about these things!
49. ARE YOU MARRIED? Ish. As good as married, really. Seems like we've been together forever.....
50. IF MARRIED...AND YOU WERE WIDOWED WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER REMARRIAGE? Maybe. Someone told me once that getting remarried after losing your spouse is a testament to the love that you shared. I dunno. I can't imagine losing Shawn, and I can't imagine spending my days with anyone but him....

Where do I start? There is so much brain clogging crap floating about in my head right now.. I can barely keep it all straight.

I have an appointment with disability on Wednesday. This will the first of many, and I know that I won't be able to answer most of the questions. I still haven't done my taxes for 2006, and I can't even get into the mess of Shawn's finances. It is causing me such a headache. He owes about $50 grand to Revenue Canada, and we are still trying to figure out how to deal with that. Might as well be a million, really. This could affect my disability, but I won't really know how until Wednesday.

The good news is that my shrink has agreed to fill out the papers for me...I was kind of shocked, really. I have only seen him twice, and I was sure that he would need some convincing. Apparently not. I had heard horror stories about doctors and shrinks not willing to help in the disability process, or charging upwards of $50 to fill out the paper work. It feels like I am FINALLY being taken seriously. Maybe the whole cheese fiasco was a GOOD thing...

The landlord came to pick up some rent money today. We are more than 3 months behind, I think. It hasn't been that long since we've paid, we just haven't been able to pay a full month in..well...months. I love it here. It feels like home. I know that we owe the money, and I have no intention of running off without paying what I owe. The landlords have been pretty good to us, but I dread dealing with the 80 year old busy body that comes to collect the rent. He repeats himself everytime I see him....
I KNOW that we are behind. I KNOW that our house is owned by the church. I KNOW that I spoke with the president of the church....
SIGH....
The landlord asked me today WHY I wasn't on welfare...WHY I don't have a job. He gets way too personal...I have a hard time with this. I am tired of people asking me why I don't work. It is really no one's business, and I for years I have had to deal with rude and ignorant people telling me to 'get over it.'
There is nothing to get over. I don't work. I can't work. I have tried...I have gone on job interviews, and have even done volunteer training.
I never finish. Ever. I want more than anything to help Shawn pay this rent.
Rudi has stopped his support payments again, and it seems as though we are drowning. The guilt keeps me up at night. It's all I think of, really. The last thing that I need to is to explain myself to a stranger. He can be pissed at me, or evict me (oh please, don't) or try to work with me..but PLEASE don't ask me personal questions. It makes me unreasonably angry.
I felt like asking this 80 year old man why he always smells like tabacco and shit when he comes to collect the rent. I didn't...I just felt like it. (cuz that would be too personal)

My birthday is on Tuesday. I will be 38. The year that I turned 26, my Dad convinced me that I was turning 26. That man was one helll of a salesman. Really. I guess this means that I was 26 for 2 years in a row.. I'm depressed this year. I mean, yeah, I am ALWAYS depressed, but this year, I just feel awful. I don't know if it's Mommy Dearest getting remarried and partying down under, or the complete and utter lack of any parental interest shown by bio - Betty. Maybe it's because my sister, Lucky, is still sick and won't be able to travel this summer, like we had thought.
I just feel so tired. This money thing is all that I can think of. It's not that we won't have money to celebrate my birthday. Whatever. Heidi and Jethro already gave me a kick ass gift..Maybe it's the new meds that I am on...Mood stabilizers that have completely taken the wind out of my sails....I cry all of the time now. No more mood swings, just good old fashioned depression. Thanks, Doc.

SIGH......Well, there is one thing that is guarnteed to make me smile...Couldn't sign off without a little Ruby love.

Warning, This blog is rated PG

Mingle² - Online Dating

I found this over on Ann's blog. Being the tech wiz that I am, it took me about 10 minutes to cut and paste, but VOILA! Thanks, Ann!

I got this rating for using the word HELL twice and FUCKING twice, and the word HURT(?) once.

I saw this over at StinkyPaws place, and I just HAD to share it. It still gives me the giggles.

June 16th marks my one year mark since I started blogging. I got dragged into this kicking and screaming (ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration) by my bestest Heidi, who thought - scratch that - KNEW that the voices in my head needed an outlet.



I really had no idea where I was going with this little blog of mine, and I absolutely had no idea that I would make so many wonderful friends along the way. You all know who you are. You do.



Today is also fathers day, and since my Dad passed away 8 years ago, today is all about Shawn. I didn't make him breakfast in bed, but I did make coffee...That is HUGE for me, people. I will make supper tonight, too. Since I hate cooking, and avoid the kitchen like the plague, that will probably knock Shawn over with a feather.



Yesterday I had a visit from two of my very favourite people in the whole world. Heidi and Jethro. Oh, yeah, all of our kids were there, too, and Ruby's Larry stopped by (I think that Heidi will tell you more about him), but for me, it was all about Heidi.



I get very selfish when it comes to sharing my time with Heidi and Jethro. I have known Jethro since were 10, and Heidi and I have been friends since we were 15. They don't live that far away, really, but we don't have a working car, and between horse/farm time, Jethro's job, and Shawn's jobs....our visits are few and far between. Our time togther never seems like enough.



Yesterday was no exception, but I was happy to share it with Larry. What a storyteller! He had us in stitches more than once, and I can't wait to hear Heidi's account of the afternoon.



Of course, no afternoon with Heidi is complete without photos of Ruby and The Pug. No matter how many boyfriends Ruby has, it's clear to us that The Pug will always be number one in her heart.

Smirnoff Black Cherry and Ruby's Larry

KC was kind enough to leave me some booze. It's not much, but I seldom drink, and I haven't eaten much. I really shouldn't be drinking, anyway, because I've had a craptastic day. Straight up, this black cherry stuff kind of rocks...

We have a neighbour, that I call Ruby's Larry. He has crazy white hair, and always stops to visit with Ruby. He has no choice. She insists. She sits in the window and watches for him. When he goes by, she barks uncontrolably until he stops...Poor Larry. He sits, or better yet, will actually lay in the grass with her and talk and play...Sometimes, I mow the grass around him.

No problem, it's Larry. You do what you have to do. I always thought that Larry was just an eccentric member of our little community. Ruby's Larry.

He stopped by tonight, and as he was playing with Ruby in the grass, he started talking to Kayla and I about some of his old friends, former jobs, and places that he once lived. Turns out that Ruby's Larry is an accomplished actor.
It's true. I googled him. He worked with Joey Ramone (had to pick Kayla up off of the walk way after she heard that) and has done some real acting. Don't I feel foolish. The guy that plays with my dog in the grass is a real, honest to goodness accomplished actor.

Is my face red. Yup.

Mind you, it could be the Smirnoff. Which is almost gone. Not quite drunk, but feeling good.
Later.

I tried like heck to post last night, but you tube just wasn't working with me. My SIL has a cousin that has made it to Toronto on Canadian Idol. You have to see this kid. He rocks. His name is Tyler Mullendore, and he is from Cape Breton. (While I do have family from there, I do not share the dialect or the accent. Sorry) Check out his clip on you tube. Seriously. My Canadian friends have to keep an eye on this kid. He's going places.

Can't remember if I mentioned it earlier or not, but I did manage to get my bogus shoplifting withdrawn. Yup. That's it, that's all. I am done. I don't have to return to court, and I have a clean criminal record.

I started the very long drawn out process for disablity, too. It can take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, but, I have started. I have to wait for the papers to be sent in the mail, then I get my doctors to fill them out, then the fun really begins. I went for my in office consultation, though, and got the ball rolling. One step closer.

Mommy dearest came home from Australia on Monday. I haven't seen her or the look a like replacement husband. Trust me, you'll all know if I do.

Love is in the air. Ruby Tuesday has a new boyfriend. His name is Jimmy and he is a Yorkie/Poodle cross. They had their very first date on Saturday night. Ruby had a bath and Kayla even did her hair for her..

Don't they make the cutest couple? I'll let you know how it goes....

Finally, something to blog about other than myself...Poor Paris, off to the slammer. My heart bleeds for her.

I'm trying like hell not to write depressing posts. I am. Problem is, I am severely depressed right now. I am sleeping and crying right now.....That's it. That's all.

Shawn is finally working for a good company, but the last guy stiffed him, again. This means that I have to tell my 12 year old that we can't go to the school BBQ because I don't enough money for hot dogs and bus fare. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Shawn and I haven't spoken in days. It's killing me. I can't go on like this, but I don't know how to fix it....................

So...Most of you know that I have two moms, right? Not 2 moms like moms that were a couple, but 2 different moms. My dad was married twice, and my bio mom was rarely around. I spent more time with my step mom...We'll call her Mary.



Mary and my Dad got married when I was 11 or 12, I'm not sure...They had been dating for a couple of years, and it came as no great surprise to me when they did. Of course, that mean that I was happy about this wedding, or ready for a new mommy, a new sister, and 2 new brothers. Like I told all of my bloggy friends before, in time, I felt that we became a family, and I even called Mary 'mom.' I accepted my sister, and brothers, and I even named my eldest daughter KC after Posh, my adopted sister.



My Dad did in, fact, adopt Marys kids. Her ex husband had a new family, new kids, and no need for the old ones that he had left behind. Adoption meant no more support, and Mary's ex was all too happy to let me Dad adopt his kids.



I remember asking my Dad, when I was about 13, why I wasn't being adopted, too. He told me that there was no need for it, and that Betty really didn't want to give me up, even though she rarely called or came to visit anymore. I wanted more than anything to be adopted by Mary. I wanted to be John AND Mary's kid, not "Bridget, my step daughter," or "My husband's daughter." I hated that more than anything. My Dad never did that. Ever. To him, we were all just his kids.



My Dad got sick shortly after my marriage to Rudi. We found out that it was terminal, and I was grateful that my Dad had a wife to take care of him, to love him, to cherish him. I was a young mom, just starting out. I didn't want him in a hospital, but that's where he would he would have spent many lonely days without Mary.



The months dragged on to years, and I had more children. By the time my Dad actually passed away, I had 3 children. KC was 11, Kayla was 7, and Jessica nearly 4. I spent as much time with my Dad as I could, but it was hard with 3 little ones, and an unsupportive husband.



My Dad and I had many long talks before his death. We worked out all of our anger, and nothing was left unsaid. I tried my best to tell him how I felt, without hurting him. He was more than my Dad, he was my best friend. I brought up the subject of Mary and her kids many times. I told my Dad that unless he made provisions for my girls in the will, we would be written out.



He got so angry with me. He had been married almost 20 years by then, and to him, we were just one family. He completely trusted his wife to do as they has discussed, just as I am sure that you all trust your spouses. I tried to tell him that I would be expelled from the family. I tried. He wouldn't listen, and I didn't want to upset him. He was dying, and on oxygen. He was my father, and I couldn't bear to hurt him.



My Dad passed away on July 11, 1999. I helped my 'Mom' plan the funeral. I helped with the thank you cards, and I helped deal with the insurance claims. I thought, for about 10 minutes, that I was wrong. I thought that I was a memeber of my own family.



Silly me.



Soon enough, it started. The girls would be forgotten on birthdays, or we wouldn't be invited somwhere. Whatever. I waited more than 2 years to ask for the things that my Dad had told me that he was leaving for me. I was told that they were NOT mine. My brother was given a Rolex. I was given his false teeth.



I still held out hope. Two and a half years ago, I was told that I am no longer a part of the family, and I no longer welcome anywhere near anyone. I have not spoken to my brothers, my sister, or my 'mom.'



They are all living on my Dad's money. I have been written out of her will. As if that isn't bad enough, I just found out that got married to a guy named JOHN JOSEPH..Care to guess what my Dad's name was? Oh, and the reason that Posh is creeped out? He looks my Dad.



She is selling my Dad's house, and right now, Mary and John2 are in Australia. This is after she took a trip to Bolivia to save orphans and build a church, or orphanage, or whatever the hell she was doing.
See her there, 'saving' the little kids? What a fucking saint.

Now, if you're thinking that I am simply bitter because she took my money and ran, you're only half right. It goes beyond that. My Dad TRUSTED her. He never would have married her, adopted her kids, and left HIS fortune to HER if he would have known what she was truly like.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am not all about money. I am NOT. I do, however, have a 12 yr old that needs braces, and my meds are going to cost about $200 a month, and we are way behind on rent....I don't aspire to be a millionaire. I just want to be comfortable somday, and I want to give them what they need...That's all. The money that she took from me? Let's just say it's over $100 grand...WAY.

So, I am feeling sick to my stomach. I am hating her right now, and I hate myself for hating her. I have to find a way to deal with this, and I just don't know how. How can you betray someone like that? She was a grandma to my kids, for their whole lives...and she just walked away...She just walked away... How could have snowed my Dad like that?

How?

By Popular Demand

Please, keep in mind, these are only prototypes...

Kayla's Pop Bottle Shoes..She told me to tell you that you MUST wear socks with these or your feet will be torn to shreds. I dunno..isn't that a bit like wearing socks with sandals?

Can someone explain to me PLEASE why it that Kayla will wear shoes made out of pop bottles, but NOT the brand new Sketchers that I found tucked away in the back of the hall closet?

I made it to my appointment yesterday, with time to spare, thanks to Lynn. She picked me in a taxi,waited for me, took me out for coffee afterwards, and then dropped me off again. I honestly don't know if I would have made it, otherwise. Shawn couldn't take any time off, and I really didn't have anyone else to go with.

I still can't pronounce the doc's name, but I think that I will like him. I sat in this amazing over sized chair that reminded me of a throne, and I felt immeadiately comfortable. It wasn't clinical in the least, thank goodness. I think that would have been too much for me. This was more like sitting in a comfortable living room than a shrinks office.

It took forever to get my family history. He was confused about my FORMER MIL coming with me, and didn't understand WHY I didn't know where my Mum lives. (Betty)
You should have seen him scribbling away at his little flow chart!

Dr. Shrink put me on a mood stabilizer, and I go back in 3 weeks to get an anti depressant. I also got a lecture on healthy eating habits and late night snacking. The meds are supposed to promote weight loss, too, so I'm all for it.

I guess that in the end, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I still haven't had the chance to tell him about most of my issues, and I am dreading dealing with it all. I do feel better. This is just a baby step, but it is a step forward.

It's 3:00, and in one hour, I have my appointment with my new shrink. I don't know if teh doc is a man or a woman, in fact, I can't even pronounce the name...

I am FREAKING out. Truly. I have been having nightmares about this, and now, I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

Deep breaths.....

Ok.

Whew.

My xMIL, my dear friend, my REAL family, Lynn, is coming with me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve her in my life, but I am ever so thankful.

I'll let you all know how it goes.

Happy Birthday, Grandma J

This photo was taken yesterday at the hospital where Gramma J is recovering from her hip surgery.

It was her 92nd birthday. KC and Spencer went to see her, and as an added bonus, Gramma Lynn was there, too.

I just love this photo, and I had to share it. Doesn't J look good? 92....Unbelievable.

Happy Birthday, Gramma J

Our little Pork Chop was almost dognapped today. Shawn put the pups out for a few minutes, and went into the back yard to check his garden. (We're trying to grow veggies this year) When he back out front, Ruby was there, and Porky was gone...It looked like she had slipped out of her collar. The strange thing is, that the crazy guy next door that is always talking the dogs knew EXACTLY where to find Porky. I'm telling ya, it's pretty bad when people are reduced to stealing dogs.

Last week, it was our lawn mower. The next door neighbours took it from back yard, and placed it in theirs. Yeah, like we'd never notice it. I love my house, and even our neighbourhood, but sometimes, it's just too much.

Have I ever mentioned that I have the coolest sister EVER? Well, I do. It seems that Lucky has a friend in the recording industry ( I think that he works for a major record label), and she has managed to get me tickets to the Beyonce concert here in August...I swear, I lucked out big time in the sister department. While I am not a huge Beyonce fan, I know 3 girls that are.
Speaking of Lucky, she is doing much better. She is still on oxygen, but she is at home with her family, and she is laughing again. What a beautiful sound.

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Does anyone rememeber me talking about the night that Heather and I were picked up by the police in Nova Scotia? It was the night that I thought that we (well, me, really) were going to be charged with attempted murder?

Well, I found our dear friend Mr. Eckstein on facebook. I wrote him a little letter, and this is the reply that I got. Just to make things clear, the first time that he hit me, I was walking past my school with Shane, when Mr. Eckstein called us out. I did respond, to be sure. Of course I did. I was a loud mouthed 17 year old girl. I was also a 120 pound 17 year old that was attacked by a middle weight semi pro boxer.

After that night in June, Mr. Eckstein stalked me for MONTHS. I didn't leave the house alone, and I was terrified for my life. One night in August, Heather, Shane, Blaine, and their middle brother and oldest sister and I went for a walk. As luck would have it, we stopped in front of Mr. Eckstein's house.

He came running out of the house, and swung a piece of wood at my head....Make no mistake about it, he meant to kill me.

I have reflected on this night, for 20 years. What follows is the communication between Mr. Eckstein and myself. I did NOT throw the first the punch. In fact, when he came at me, I was so frozen with fear, that I sat where I was, and pissed my pants.


Hi, Shawn I guess that you have no interest in communicating with me. I thought as much. That's ok. I still want to share some things with you. I have memories of that night..you know the one I mean. I can remember you coming at me with that 2x4, wearing nothing but a pair of track pants, your barefeet slapping the pavement. You swung that piece of wood at my head, and I knew, in that moment, that you truly meant to kill me. What I don't know is why. I never even met you before that balmy June night when Shane and I were out walking. I had no idea as to who you were, or what you were about. WHY did you pick us that night? Why couldn't you let it go after you punched my face and your friends left Shane with a bloody lip? I don't know. I do know that in that moment, the exact moment that the block of wood grazed my ear, I knew that it was kill or be killed. I was a 17 year old girl that had left home because of abuse. I was a stranger in Dartmouth, and only wanted to feel free. You took away so much from me, Shawn. I still dream of you. I see your face in the window, as it appeared that night. I hear the primal scream that you let out as you came at me. Thanks to you, something in me changed that night. I heard from a friend that I scared you that night. Do you remember me hanging off the truck, slicing at you, screaming? Do you remember MY face? I hope so. I hope that you never forget me. I hope that you never forget any of us from that night. I have waited 20 years to say these things to you. 20 years is a long time. There was so much more that I had wanted to say....Time heals all wounds, Shawn. Too bad it doesn't erase the bad dreams.

Bridget Steeves


Eckstein
Today at 7:30am
Report Message
Bridget,

I have to say that the details of that night are a little foggy, so if I have some of the things wrong I appoligize, first I think that if you were no sitting baiting me out in frount of my house then that unfortunate night would never occured. I think that there was other issues that I can not remember but all that being said I am very sorry for your sleepless nights in my youth I was a scapper and scraping was the way I dealt with most things, now I know that this is no excuse but it is the way I did things back then. That being said I do not think that I have ever tried to beat someone up that I did not think had it coming to them (so you may want to reflect on what maybe you did wrong that night instead of throwing the blame all on me) let me asure you of all the fights that I have been in I have never thrown the first punch why would that night be any different.Once again Sorry that was a different time in a different place and some of the things I did back then I regret for sure but funny thing about life is you an't take things back other than to say sorry and I have Shawn

P.S I hope you got what you needed out of this comunication.

Whew..It's 3:30 in the afternoon, and I still feel sluggish. I took a Seroquel last night - er - this morning at about 1 am, and it wiped me out for 12 hours. I got up this morning, and found myself walking into walls.

I'm afraid that when I get back on my meds, it'll be like this again. I had forgotten about the whole adjustment period. It might take months to get the meds right, and I don't know if I'll be able to hang in for the duration.

I have been counting down the days until I go to see my new shrink. Now, I'm dreading it.

Every year for Mothers Day, I get homemade cards and some kind of craft made in school, that has been snuck into the house, all hush hush. KC writes me a poem, or shares a memory, that more often than not, makes me cry happy tears. This year was a little different.

KC took m eto the movies on Friday night. We saw 28 Weeks Later, which is the sequel to one my all time favourite movies. She even paid for snacks. It was different..going out with my all grown up daughter, and having her pay. I won't lie. I could get used to it.

On Saturday, Kayla and Jessica went to the farmers market and bought me these beauties. Another favourite of mine.

Kayla watched a documentary at school earlier in the week. It was about children in developing countries, and what their lives are like. There was a line that said something like..'you complained because your parents bought you Nikes instead of Adidas..She only has one pair of shoes, and they're made out of pop bottles.'

Now, maybe another kid would take something away from that...You know like...Wow, have I got it good. Well, Kayla had a different take on it. She and Shawn spent part of the afternoon making pop bottle shoes. AFTER she wore them, she realized that she really did have it lucky. I think that she and Shawn are working on a design for sandals, now.

On Sunday, I slept in,and when I woke up, Shawn made me an omellette with sausages, and french vanilla coffee. Oh yeah. The fun didn't end there. I got watch the last half of another favourite movie of mine, Bachelor Mother, with Ginger Rogers and David Niven. Then, the girls gave me their gifts, that they bought, with their OWN money.

This is Max. Jessica made him at Build A Bear, and he's wearing Bearboxers.









Kayla bought me this angel. It is the second that she has given me...I think that I am starting a collection.



Shawn made quiche and pie, and Kayla made a cake...I ate so much that I am STILL full. Later, after dinner, we watched Land Of The Lost, and some other scary stuff that freaked out the kids. Hey, it was Mothers Day, my choice.

I was going to get an ipod shuffle (purple), but we decided to have hot water, instead. That's right, hot water. The gas company came out on Friday, to cut off our gas without giving us ANY notice. Yuppers. We got the bill paid, but since we also had to pay a reconnect fee, and my arrears plus my new bill, we were a bit short.
Here's the thing that gets me. The woman that came out to cut the gas was the same woman that we dealt with before. The same woman that refused to work out a payment plan the first time around. She is an OFFICE worker, yet she took it upon herself to come out and cut our gas. Since when do the office girls do the dirty work?
The best part? She LAUGHED and smiled while she did it, reminded me again that I had a $3000 bill in the past. I reminded her that we paid that bill, in cash, and that this is an entirely DIFFERENT bill. I asked her WHY they would come out and turn off our gas without any notice. (which they are required to do)
Her response?
They didn't have my phone number. Well, they had it December when they called to tell me that I had 3 days to come up with 3 grand. When I reminded her of THAT, her reply was that my phone had been disconnected.
Nope. Still works.
I hate to sound paranoid, but I knew that she would not let this go. She is going to be a pain in my ass until she retires, or dies. She TOLD ME SO.
Well, I didn't curse her out, or even raise my voice, and believe me, I wanted to. I came so close to violence, it's not funny. I said this to her.
"There's a little something called Karma, and it's gonna kick you in the ass."

P.S. I got some news about Lucky. She is home now, but on oxygen 24/7. The doctors can't figure out why her oxygen levels are so low, and it worries me. I wish that I could be there to help her. Sometimes, I feel the distance between us so profoundly.

Mothers Day

It almost slipped my mind, this year. Mothers Day. I never forget Fathers Day, even though my Dad is long gone. It's not because Shawn is here, and he reaps all of the rewards and the hoopla is all about him. I remember Fathers Day because I had a great father.

Mothers Day, on the other hand, has always been a challenge for me. When I was little, really young, like under 10, we celebrated with my Nanie, my Dad's mom. She spent every spare moment with us, cooking, cleaning, sewing us clothes (that's another story altogether), until she passed away unexpectedly shortly after my 10 th birthday.

My Dad got remarried when I was 11. I did NOT like this new person in my fathers life, not one bit. She came with 3 kids of her own, and I had to share my Dad with ALL of them. In time, we grew closer, and Mothers Day became about her, my step mom.

My father passed away, and nothing has been the same ever since. I am now completely estranged from that side of the family. My "mother" hasn't seen me, or her grandchildren, in years.

I do have a 'real' Mum. She lives in Nova Scotia, in a town that I have never been to, in a house that I have never seen. She left TMOC and I behind when she ran off with our next door neighbour. I couldn't have been older than three, because I have no memory of her. Our relationship has been very strained, and with the exception of the 54 weeks that I lived with her, we have never spent any real time with her. We are very different people. She is STILL angry with a man that died nearly 8 years ago, over a marriage that was doomed from the start.

This leaves me feeling bitter sweet on days like Mothers Day. I am mom myself, and I know that I will get breakfast in bed, and home made cards, and maybe some bubble bath. KC will write a poem that will make me cry, and I will get to watch my favourite movies, without complaints. Still, I wish that I had my own mom to celebrate on May 13th.

I did have many wonderful women in my life over the years. I think that Mothers Day is a good day to celebrate them.

Jane was married to a cousin of my dads. She had 3 girls, and they were like sisters to me. Jane babysat me whenever my brother needed a break from his duties. She instilled in me a love of horror movies, and taught me how to make meat loaf. She babysat KC when we took off for a weekend after my 1st marriage, and baysat KC while I was in the hospital afterI had my still born son.

Aunt Josie is my mums sister. Josie and my Dad were great friends, long before my parents were married. My Aunt Josie, my Uncle Ray, and my Dad raced stock cars together, and remained close even after my parents marriage failed. Aunt Josie watched me after my mum left, and held me as long hours stretched into even longer nights while I cried for my mommy. Aunt Josie babysat KC the day that I got out of the hospital after losing my son. I was supposed to be on bed rest for 6 weeks, and Rudi left me home alone with a 18 month old. Aunt Josie to the rescue! She made me laugh, told me how proud she was of me, and me feel good about myself.

Mary is Heathers mom. She fed me, and sheltered me, and put up with me teen age moodiness. Her home was a haven for me, and the doors were always open.

Delores. She is the mother of the infamous Shane and Blaine. She took me in when I fled my mums house, and even hid me when my drunken angry mother showed up on her doorstep, demanding that I come home. I lived with her for months, and I was treated EXACTLY the same as everyone else, for better, or worse. This was my home away from home.

Liz was the wife of my Dads best friend. She took me shopping and bought me my first bra. She made me laugh, and taught me things like plaid and stripes DO NOT match. I thank you, Liz, and my family thanks you for that one.

Sally is Heidis mom. Sally has always opened her home to me, my husbands, and children over the years . She makes you feel instantly welcome, and you will NEVER be judged in her home. This isn't because (as Shawn believes) that she is Mennonite, it is because she is simply, wonderfully, Sally. It was by watching her, and her daughters, that I learned what a healthy mother/daughter relationship looks like.

Lynn, my former mother in law. I hate calling her that, because she is so much more to me than a former anything. She is Geoffs mom, and I almost didn't divorce him because I didn't want to lose her. That's what I thought during the rough periods of my marrige to her son. She is the world's best Grandma, to my kids, and a mom to both me and Shawn. Yes, you heard me, Shawn. What we have is a family here, made of a patch work of other families. She is kind, and funny, sweet, and silly. I treasure my time with her, and I love her like a mom. She has ALWAYS been there for me, and now, she is there for my girls, and Shawn, too. We adore her, love her, and would do anything for her. My relationship didn't suffer when the marriage ended, it just changed. It's better now. In my heart, Lynn is my mom.

I guess, while I'm at it, I should thank three very important women in my life. KC, Kayla and Jessica. That's right, my girls. Without them, I wouldn't have been on this journey. My daughters have taught me so much. I was a much different parent with KC, then I was by the time Jessica came around, 7 years later. I can't imagine my life without all of the wonderful women that have supported me, influenced me, and been there for me over the years. I can't imagine where I would be, or what I would do if I weren't a mom.

I hope that this Mothers Day all of my friends out there will celebrate the uniqueness of their own moms. I hope that all of my blog buddies that are moms hold their children tight.

Happy Mothers Day, everyone.

My sister, Lucky is in the hospital with pnuemonia, again. I am so worried about her. She is Colorado, and I am in Canada...So far away from each other. I feel so helpless, and I wonder how she feels right now.

My sister is one of the best people that I have ever known. She is kind, brillant, funny, beautiful, and just about the best sister that I could have ever hoped for. One of the best days of my life was when I found her....

Keep her in your thoughts, ok?

I took J to see her specialist today. The news was all good. J has put her weight up from 88 pounds to 100. She also grew a whole 3/4 of inch in two months. Her blood sugars have gone from an A1C average of 12.6 (way too high) to 9.2. Her target is about 7, so we are well on our way.

This is the best that she has ever been, and I am so proud of her determination and hard work. Yay, J!

Grandma J is in the hospital. She fell and broke her hip after over doing it this past weekend. She had dinner with friends and indulged in her favourite drink- whiskey.
I took KC and J to see her, and I can't believe how great she looks for a 92 year old with a broken hip. She is in the early stages of Alzheimers, and was bit confused. She thought that the 3 of us were sisters, and I just couldn't bring myself to correct her. Why upset her? She also thought that Geoff was the dog that she had when she was a little girl, not her grandson. (My ex #2) I think that she was confused because, hey, Geoff is a dog......

I bought a wedding gift for TMOC and the soon to be Mrs.TMOC. The wedding is only a couple of weeks away, and I still have to pop it in the mail. That might be hard to do since Ruby ate it.

Ok, in all fairness, she only ate a part of the leather bound photo album.

The weather has improved drastically along with my mood. There is a lot going on in the family, Gramma J, and Shawn's mom are both unwell, but I still feel remarkably good. Lets hope that this trend continues!

I'm not sure what's going on here...Hmmm. I wanted to leave you a little something to think about while I take J to her appointment at the hospital. (it's just a check up)

Talk amongst yourselves.

New Readers And Old Friends

I have a new reader. Her name is Heather, and even though she is lurking, I know that she is here.



Heather and I went to Jr. high together in Dartmouth. She was from that neighbourhood, and I was from a whole other planet. Or so it seemed.

I had just recently arrived from Ontario, to live with my Mum, Betty, and her husband, Stan. I hadn't seen Betty in a couple of years, and I hadn't lived with her since I was about 3. It was not an easy transition, and I was VERY unhappy.

To make matters, worse, I had just finished my grade 9 year at the rural highschool outside of Smallburg, and now, I was repeating grade 9.

Everything was foreign to me. It really did seem like another planet. All of the kids at Ellenvale had grown up together, gone to grade school together, known each other forever.

Then, there was me. I didn't know a soul. My time in Nova Scotia had been spent thus far sitting on the front steps, or going to the library. Alone.

Well, there was ONE drunken night out, but I really can't recall much about that. Anyway, I diggress.

There was one girl that I thought was different. She looked cool, and nothing seemed to bother her. She came to school most days in tight dark blue jeans and concert t's. Heather rarely spoke up or smiled in class.(She has a great smile)I thought that she had it all worked out....

We didn't reallly hit it off until that summer. The summer of 1986. I was living with Shane and Blaine's family then, and Heather was a frquent visitor. We were inseperable. We became best friends.

We spent every moment that we could together. We went to nightclubs, and got kicked out together. In fact, it was Heather that kept me from climbling into a flashy limo one night outside of The Derby. I still owe her for that one. It was owned by a pimp that would have driven my ass out of town that night.....

The trouble that we got into! She was with me the night that the semi pro boxer attacked...THAT is a night that I will never forget. He had been stalking me for a couple of months, and on a hot night in August, as Heather, Shane, Blaine, Carla, Percy, and I were out walking, he found me. Come to think of it, if my kick boxing friend hadn't have been there, I might have been in a whole lotta trouble.

The truth is, she always had my back.

Heather and I had so much fun. Oh man....She was there the day that I broke my wrist,and we shared a giggle over that story yesterday. She was there when Betty and Stan kicked me out, and was there when I went back to pick up my stuff...Her mom fed me Kraft Dinner when I was hungry, and never complained when I crashed at her house. To this day, I think of Heather and her mom when I eat mac and cheese.

We had our falling outs, too. Mostly over boys - well, one boy in particular.

I moved back home in November of 1986. I wasn't going to stay here in Ontario, it was just supposed to be a visit. Well, I've been "visiting" for 21 years.

We have seen each other since I moved away. I've been home to Dartmouth twice. It's been 17 years, now.

I lost her address around the time that Shawn and I hooked up. I have missed her tremendously. I still think of those days. I think of the shopping trips, and the days spent by the lake. I think of the hearts that we broke, and the boys that broke ours. I remember talking all night, and sharing secrets with Heather, secrets that we were afraid to speak out loud in the light of day.

I found her on Facebook a few days ago. It was easy as heck. I saw a photo of her daughter, and I knew immeadiately that it was Heather and Blaine's girl. She is the spitting image of her mom.

It was easy to pick up where we left off. It always is with Heather. It doesn't matter how far apart we are, or how long it's been since we've seen each other. That bond is still there.

So, if you're feeling friendly, say hi to Heather. She's kind of quiet, but she's a hell of a friend.