Falling Apart

 It's All Hallows Eve, and for the 1st time in years, we're live in a neighborhood full of kids. We're just down the street from a school, so we're expecting lots of trick or treaters. 

 I'm feeling low today. I miss my Landon and Lennox. I can't tell you how much. The losses of my Sunshine and Squish is like losing part of myself. Landon will be 16 in less than 2 months. I haven't seen him since he was 7. Lennox was 2. He's 10 now. 

 I realized today, thinking about my wee boys, that my Mum never took me trick or treating. Not once. My heart hurts in so many ways. My Mum wasn't a good Mom to me. This is a statement of fact, not an opinion. She didn't go to school functions. She didn't pay support, or contribute to our (my brother and I) expenses. She took me out for shoes, once, and clothes shopping, once. Then I, as a child, never heard the end of it. I didn't have a room at her house, even though there was a room. I was told in no uncertain terms, that it was the SPARE room, not mine. She could have just given me that, you know? 

 It's been hard listening to her God daughter talk about how wonderful my Mum was. GD got the relationship that I should have had. GD is absolutely amazing. She has done so much for my parents. 

 I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. I will never get the relationship I should have had with my mother. I have missed so much time with my grands (2 have come along since Lennox). And? I miss my Bruno so much. Everything else could fall apart, but Bruno was always there. 

Out of Time

 August was a shit month. My Mum passed away on the 13th, and then we lost Bruno on the 17th. 

 My Mum's God daughter tried messaging me on FB, then she called. When I noticed she had texted, too, I called her back immediately. I knew something was wrong, but I honestly expected it to be my step father, who is older, and has had multiple health problems. My Mum went to bed for a nap, and never woke up. I guess it's not the worst way to go. She went peacefully, and that's a blessing. 

Bruno let me know 3 days later that he was tired. We weren't ready to lose our best buddy. He was 17½. He was ready. 

 My Mum and I always had a strained relationship. Things were never easy with us. I always thought there would be more time. I thought there would be more time for hugs. 

Am I Really Back??

 I've been locked out of my account for YEARS and suddenly I'm back in. 

Boy, do we ever need to catch up. Shawn is gone. He went too far and ended up with 7 charges against him, including a weapon charge, uttering threats to cause death, mischief, and 4 assault charges. The victim? Oh that would be. 

 I'm actually married now, to an amazing guy who has never even raised his voice in anger to me. Married life, finally, is good. 

My bestie from Dartmouth was at the wedding. We had a sleepover at the hotel the night before the wedding. It was like when we were teens, except we both have CPAP machines, lol. 

 Bumble died in 2020. He was my little hero. He saved me the night I was assaulted. Bumble jumped on him and bit him, giving me enough time to get away. We lost Daisy Doot right before grandson # 2 was born. Bruno, on the other hand, is here with me. He's 17½ now. His health is good, all things considered. He spends most of his time curled up in my lap, or on his bed bedside Lloyd's (new Hubby) chair. 

The very worst news of all is that we lost Gramma Lynn. Her loss has devastated our family. I can't express our sadness. Our family will never be the same. I will probably go into it more, later. 

 There's so much more I have to tell everyone. If anyone 

is still here, that is. 

Life is wonderful, and weird, and sometimes it's bloody hard, but I'm still here.