I'm back :) My pc crashed, again, and I had to wait for Kc to loan me her laptop. I had two hundred emails to go through when I finally logged back on. It's good to know that I haven't been forgotten.
I'll try to catch up this weekend. I have missed you all soooo much!

It's Like This

Ok. I have been gone a long time. There has been a lot going on and I am not coping well.
I am not ready to talk about Jessica. Things might not be as bad as I think, but I don't want to talk about it or even dwell on it. I am afraid of jinxing it. For now, she is ok. Well, her boyfriend broke up with her in a text message, but other than that, she is fine.
The concert was incredible. Beyond anything that I could have imagined. Kayla and I had a great time together in Toronto. We spent the day after the concert window shopping and hanging out with KC and Spencer. I love Toronto! We took a pile of photos, but since my pc is still a mess, I haven't been able to download any yet.
I got a card in the mail last week from my blog buddy, Whim. It was handwritten and I can't tell you how wonderful it was to get a real card. I nearly cried when I read it, but I held it together, barely.

Something else happened last week. I can't get into too many details, but we very nearly had one less family family member on Shawns side of the family. One of his nephews was actually stabbed with a screwdriver.
I am not sure if it was because of my meds situation (or lack there of right now) or a serious case of family loyalty, but my reaction to A's stabbing affected me in a way that I shocked even me. I felt an overwhelming need for vengeance and it scared the f**k outta me. I very nearly did something that would have changed the course of many lives - forever.
Geoff is a Major stressor for me right now, too. He refuses to help out at all with Jessica and her braces, but he has money to fly off to Cuba? I have asked him for $1000 and the total is estimated to be about 8 grand. Even with his second job, he is too broke to help. Maybe they are flying there on Steffanie's broom stick and saving money that way. I'll have to ask her what kind of mileage she gets.
I am off my meds. I don't have any left, other than my sleepers, which are not working anymore. I seem unable to do what it is I need to do to get more meds. I seem unable to do anything right now, except to be angry. Life is not much fun right now. For me, or those around me.
Argh. I am not going to whine here, not today. I am just telling it like it is. I know that things could be worse and I am trying to focus on that....The fact that things could be, and have been worse.

I am going to see my Grandmother on Sunday. She lives about 4 hours away and because we don't have a car, getting to Windsor is no easy feat. Spencer is driving us on the weekend and this will be the first time that Shawn will meet my Dad's side of the family.

Hopefully, I will be around more this week. I have missed you all.

Biddie

Bad Day

Shawn can't make the trip with us this week. He has to go to work, has to push, push, push, to make his deadline and pay the bills. My hotel is already booked and paid for, so Kayla will go with me instead. That's ok by me, I think that it will do us some good to have time alone.

Speaking of Kayla, she brought home a kitten. Need I say more?

Jessica saw her Doc today. It was bad news. I am feeling completely drained, tight chested, and overwhelmed. I really thought that she was on the right track. Now, I am not so sure of anything.

There is so much stuff going on at my house, I can barely keep up.
I went to see my shrink, and he put me on a new drug - Cymbalta. I am still on Wellbutrin, too, but this is supposed to make some drastic change for me. So far, all it has done is upset my tummy and make me sleepy. I will stick with it, though. After all, what have I got to lose?

The girls are back in school. This means that I finally have the house to myself again during the day. Whoo Hoo! I like having the kids home, but by September, I am usually ready for some alone time.

I had an interesting phone call last week. A guy from a talent agency- Jerry - called to inquire about Jessica. KC had given Jessica's name and info to his place of business (Hollywood something or other) and he called us within a day or two. Jerry wants to represent Jessica and get her some auditions...he mentioned lots of companies and tv shows (Disney, Universal, Nickelodeon,Fox, and Hannah Montana). I just about fainted when he called. He wants her to get head shots and start going on auditions immediately.

Poor Jessica. She had absolutely no idea that KC had even sent her name in anywhere. I think that she is too shy for that kind of thing. It is kind of cool though, and very appealing, but I don't think that it is something we will pursue.

In other news, our household has a new member. Cody, Kayla's boyfriend has moved in. His mom bought a house out of town, and he wanted to finish his last year of high school with his friends.
I was reluctant to agree to this arrangement, at first. I mean, aside from the obvious (boyfriend/girlfriend thing) there is the whole privacy issue. I am a freak and I love my privacy. Some days I am in my nightie until close to 3:00. Then, there is the whole mental health problem. I cry - a lot. I stay in my room - a lot. I don't clean up some days, or make dinner or do anything.
So far, it has been fine. Cody fits right in with the family and we love having him here. Kayla and Cody are seeing that it is not always mirth and laughter to live with your better half. In fact, they are getting on each others nerves more often then not.
Shawn has a new buddy now, too. He and Cody are getting on famously, and it something that I think has been lacking for both of them. Cody needed a father figure,and Shawn needed another male in the house. Before Cody, estrogen was practically dripping off of the walls here.

Our Big Trip to Toronto is almost here, too. With any luck, we will be spending the night in Toronto after the NKOTB concert. Shawn and I have never had a vacation, and we have never stayed in a decent hotel, either.
It seems fitting that our first night away should fall on our anniversay.

Yup, seven years.

It seems like only yesterday, and yet, in some ways, it feels like we have always been together.
Oh, I almost forgot the best news of all!


The A-Team is on everyday at 3:00.

I love it when a plan comes together :)

Things That Changed My Life Chapter Three: Critters

First Day

Today was Jessica`s first day of highschool. She has to wear a uniform, and you can see how thrilled she is.

Sigh....she is growing too fast for me.

Things That Changed My Life, Chapter 2

I couldn't talk about life changing events without talking about my sister. Some of you might thing that she is an obvious choice for this topic - if my brother changed my life, then my sister did, too.

Well, it isn't just about being my sister. It's more than that.

When I was 11, I found out from my Nannie (Betty's Mom) that I had a long lost sister. I guess that Lucky was supposed to be a family secret. My Nannie wasn't very good with secrets, and once she told me, I blew it all out of the water. I would not, could not, forget about my sister. In my minds eye, I could see her.....Beautiful, and funny, intelligent and kind, she would welcome me with open arms.

My search took many different pathways, and many, many years. I made phone calls, took out ads in newspapers, and once, I even did a radio interview. I was scared out of mind, but I keep thinking that this radio interview could change it all. It might help me find my sister.

It didn't. It would be another ten years until I got my first email from Lucky.

We seemed to hit it off right away. I found out that she was married, with 2 kids. Two kids! That made me an aunt. To say that I was overjoyed would be putting it mildly. I was beyond blissful....I honestly can't think of a way to describe my feelings.

Lucky and I made plans to meet in July of 2002. I had seen photos of Lucky, but even if I hadn't, I would have known her anywhere. She was everything that I had dreamed of since I was 11. No, that's not true, either. Lucky was extra, better, more, than I could have ever have fantasied about.

Lucky and I are as close as any two sisters. She has enriched my life in so many ways. I can tell her anything, and I do. If we lived close, we would always be together. As it is now, even though we live far apart, I don't feel faraway from her. All I need to do is pick up the phone, and my sister is there.

Lucky and I share many secrets, but she is no longer one of them. I think that I should call myself Lucky, for having her in my life.

I Love you, Kelly.

And Then He Kissed Me......

We finally made it to the SCI FI CON yesterday. Kayla, Cody and I stood in line for nearly an hour to get our tickets, but it was well worth it. We all had such a blast, we can't wait for next years festivities. I don't have all of the photos downloaded yet, but these are the highlights: Kayla's Chucky doll, signed by "Chucky" himself. Chucky was as surly in real life as he is in the movies - he was taller, though.
Kristy Swanson, the original "Buffy," with Kayla. She was sweet, talkative, and seemed to really enjoy her fans.
Kayla and Henry Winkler. What can I say about him? We LOVED him! Look at him moving in on Kayla there! He made her positively giddy,and, he said that it was a pleasure to meet me! What??! A pleasure to meet ME?? He took the words right out of my mouth! I had a whole dialogue in my head while we were standing in line to meet him. Oh yeah, I was gonna be all cool and talk about his work....Yeah, right. I stammered something about ...well, I can't remember actually. What I do recall is that he kissed me!
OMG!
To my credit, I did not scream ( I have a habit of freaking out when I meet celebs), but I thought that I might faint.
That may have made me unforgettable!
I also ran right into Shawnee Smith (Saw, Becker). I mean bumped right into her. Literally. Of course, I made a fool out of myself, but she was very gracious. I also saw Sid Haig, Tobe Hooper, Kate Mulgrew, Sean Astin, Rene O'Connor, Brent Spiner, and Wes Craven (although I couldn't get close enough to him for a photo). What's his name that plays Lex Luther on Smallville was there, too. I gotta say, with hair and eyebrows, he is HOT. Buzz Aldren was there, to, but they must have had him hidden behind a curtain like The Great Oz, cuz we couldn't find him. Photos with him were $200, a bit out of my price range.
Idol worship ain't cheap these days.
That's why I'm saving my pennies for next year.

Brotherly Love

Remember the post that I wrote about my brother ?

Well, he recently got his first home pc and I sent him his very first email.

‏
Me: So, you have an email now? Right on...Now you will never get rid of me :) Biddie x


TMOC: You are harder to lose than the ebola virus,but I love you.


Let`s hear it for brotherly love! LOL

Things That Changed My Life: Chapter One

Two things have gotten me thinking about my brother, TMOC. The 1st thing was the blog that I wrote about Betty. I was afraid that I made it sound as though I was angry with, or resentful of, my big brother, TMOC.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The second thing was Heidi's post about the things that changed her life. TMOC is right near the top of my list.

We were born 4 yeas apart, TMOC and I. I can't remember a time without him in my life. I love him so much that my first word was 'Deeb.'

My first sentence was, 'Deeb did it.' lol

We grew up as latch key kids, the kids of the 70's that spent afternoons alone while the parents worked. We spent a lot of time alone, because our Dad was a single working parent.

Poor TMOC! I was a pest - to say the least. I followed him everywhere. He really had no choice in the matter. As the eldest, he was expected to watch me while Dad was at work.

I spied on him, tattled on him and drove him beyond crazy.

He took me swimming, rode bikes with me, and sometimes, we went sledding together.

We fought, a lot. I seem to recollect smashing a tv. I am not certain if that happened during a game of Batman/Catwoman, or an altercation stemming from the fact that The Brady Bunch and The Odd Couple came on tv at the same time.

Honestly, he was an awesome brother. He even let me watch The Exorcist one night when I was about 8. For weeks afterwards, he would shake my bed at night and make frightening sounds that had me petrified of my own closet.

TMOC saved me from many a bully, too. Well, he had little choice. I would scream my brothers gonna beat you up!

I have lost count of how many times he saved my ass.

As we grew, we became even more close. I cried countless times when he was in Cape Breton, and I was here, in Ontario. Then I was sent to Nova Scotia, and he was here. I missed him so much. The best Christmas gift that I ever got was my brother. Betty sent him a plane ticket so that we could all be together.

TMOC and I are a lot alike. We both hate to be wrong, and we are both always right. When we clash, we really clash. I just can't make him understand that I am right.

He never lets me forget my faux pas and my blunders. That's ok, I can take it.

One of my fondest memories is of the night that Rudi and I were married. Jethro, Heidi, TMOC, Rudi and I were driving around in Jethro's van....TMOC telling Rudi that he really didn't like him very much, after all. Oh, then there was me asking Rudi to buy me a banana from the convenience store...On my wedding night.

When Rudi and I split up, TMOC and I spent even more time together. I would take the bus to Toronto,and hang with him for a few days. When he found out that Rudi had been hitting me, he offered to bust his legs.

Oh, I never took him up on the offer, but it was a nice thought :)

When he unexpectedly lost his job, he showed up at my place, unannounced. That was the way it was. He had a key for my house, just in case. I never wanted him to be locked out and alone.

He always took my phone calls, even if he was on a date, or I called at 3 am, or he was toiling away at work. Believe me, there were a lot of phone calls.

Of course, with TMOC married and living in another province, we don't get to see each other very often. It was difficult at first....He was ingrained in my life, I felt lost with out him.

I guess that if I have to pick something, or rather, someone, that changed my life, TMOC is at the top of the list. I can not imagine my childhood, my life, without him.

Here's to you, Steve, and I know that you did it!

Dane Cook - vicious circle - Brain Ninjas

Fresh prince of Belair - will smith and carlton

Cuz I needed a laugh :)

Jessica is doing better than ever. She lost 5 pounds, but since she has been so active this summer, it is probably just because of that.

Whew! We go back in another month, on the 15 of September (3 days before New Kids On The Block) to check her AIC and do routine blood work.

I can not tell you how relived we are!

Life is great.

Jessica

Jessica and I are going to the hospital to see her diabetic nurse and the social worker. I am a bit freaked out because we were just there last month and she was doing so much better than ever before.

The social worker doesn't mean anything, really, we see her every time that we go.....It's the visit in general that has me worried. I want Jessica to have a better year than she did this year....She became ill last October and it carried on into 2008. I am hoping that this school year she will excel in every possible way.

I am just questioning whether or not this is a check up, or there is more bad news waiting.

I'm not going to get any sleep tonight.

Oh, Canada.....
Not one single medal?

Longing

Most days, I can forget about the things that really bother me. The things that break my heart and tarnish my soul. After 39 years, I have just about perfected the act of overlooking my pain. Then, suddenly, something so silly, something mundane or obscure will bring memories flooding back, in a tidal wave of sadness. Today is one of those days.
Mum's backyard in Nova Scotia.




My cousin T took her neice to Nova Scotia for a week this summer. I wanted so badly to stow away with them, I miss the ocean and my friends more than words can articulate. I need to smell the ocean, I need to hug Heather tight, and meet her kids. I feel an urgency to visit all of my old haunts, and to spend a late night laughing with my brother and sister in law.
I try to put Betty and Stan out of mind. I usually do.


Then, T and her niece posted photos on facebook that maade my heart skip a beat and made me feel so melancholy that I am afraid that I will never be the same again.

My Mum and I have always had a noxious relationship. She has resented me from the day that I was born. She married my father to keep my older brother, TMOC out of a foster home, and because, back in 66, you just didn't live on your own with a kid. He was a way out for her, and he loved her more than life itself.

Stan, fishing in his yard.
By the time I was three, the marriage was over and my mum was gone, moved away with our next door neighbour, leaving four little kids without a parent...My aunt Josie, Betty's sister took care of me for about three weeks while my Dad got his life in order. My aunt Josie would later tell me that I cried for the whole three weeks, asking when my Mum was coming back.

She never did. I still saw most of her family, but I seldom saw Betty. When I did, it was usually a horrific visit. She would send me to my room for the slightest infraction ( drinking the last of the milk from my cereal bowl was an instant time out). I hated the apartment, I hated my step father (It would later be revealed that he had been abusing me most of my childhood), and I hated sharing Christmas with my new step brothers, the kids that used to live next door to me. She was gone so often that I couldn't tell the difference between her and my aunt Jackie.


Mum, in her kitchen August 2008


Worst of all, her visitation was hit and miss. I might not see her for weeks, or even months, and then she would reappear, just when I was finally adjusting to life without her.
She moved to Nova Scotia when I was 11, leaving me and TMOC behind.
I saw her twice in the years between 12 and 15. The summer of my 15 th year, I was sent to stay with her and Stan. I was angry, sullen and resentful.

It was a disaster.
Twenty days before I turned 16, I was sent on a 'visit' to her house. When I asked when I would coming home, my father informed me that I was now a permanent resident of Dartmouth.

I loved my Mum. I did. Her expectations were unattainable for me. Straight A's in school - something that I had never gotten in my life. I was expected to be something that I had never been...Her perfect, Miss Teen. The punked out teen that she picked up at the airport was not what she had envisioned.

Things only got worse....She and Stan had a drinking problem. They humiliated me at every turn. She thought that I was the little 3 year old that she had left all those years ago.
Hah. She could not have been more wrong.

On a warm June afternoon, I ran away from home,and never returned. I was 1o days shy of my 17 th birthday. I had all that I could take of the drinking, and the abuse. I was tired of hiding bruises and trying to be someone that I could never be.

Fast forward 20 + years, and nothing much has changed. We argue and then make up. We scream and cry and then profess our love for each other...Until now.

Betty refuses to speak with me. Or my kids. She does everything in the world for my brother, who can do no wrong in her eyes. No matter how badly he screws up, he has her undying love and affection. TMOC gets married and he is a
hero.

My 1st wedding she created a scene and almost ruined everything.

He finishes hair dressing school (she helped him out during that time) and he is big man on campus.

I graduted from my PSW course, second in the class with honours, and I don't even get a phone call.

My Dad dies and again, not so much as a phone call.

TMOC's bio Dad dies and Betty practically writes a novel telling everyone how great he was. She gave TMOC money to get to Ontario and payed his way for the whole trip.

TMOC and I get along very well, until we start discussing our parents. We actually stopped speaking for a year once, because of Betty.
Now? He is a frequent vacationer at her country home.

I had never even seen photos until my cousin posted her photos.
I had no idea that seeing those photos would bother me so much. I thought that I was dealing with the rejection just fine. I really thought that Betty was out of my head, finally.

The truth is, I am 39 and I still crave my Mums love, acceptance and affection. I see photos of her and it all comes flooding back.

I become that little 3 year old girl, yearning for her Mommy.
I doubt that will ever change.

I just need to find a way to live with it.

19 Years Ago.....................

Today is my anniversary. Well, it is in some alternate universe where Dumb Bridget is still married to Rudi.
That's right - 19 years ago today Rudi and I were married. I was 20 and he was even younger. We gave in to pressure from my family and decided to get married, because, we were, after all, living in sin with our toddler daughter.
It's a story that you have all heard before. From me, I mean. I have already told that story. Been there, done that.
What I was thinking of today was not the wedding itself, but how much my life has changed in the 19 years since I walked down that aisle, a 2o year old bride, full of hope.
It didn't take long for Rudi to pound the hope right out of me.

I am 39 now, twice divorced and once again, living in sin. We don't own our home, we owe money to everyone and their uncle, and we don't own much.

Rudi is married to the woman that he was cheating on me with. They are living un-happily ever after in Woodstock. They own 10+ acres of land, a big house, 2 Harleys and 3 cars. He is living his dream life in many ways. Well, he hasn't seen his own girls in years and his step kids, that lived with him for 15 years moved away and have little to do with him....Hmmm, maybe that IS part of his dream.

As I sit here, tonight, in my rented home, on a borrowed computer, with my butt on an old orange chair, I realize something.

This is where I want to be.

Rudi can have his toys and gadgets, his fancy cars and big house.

I have something that I had been looking for since I was 20 and I marched defiantly down the middle of my little church in Smallburg.

Real, honest, forever love.

Happy Unversary, Rudi, where ever you are.

Blah, Blah, Blah.................

I can't remember the last time that it was this long between posts. I still have no pc and I am still borrowing KC's laptop. She is less than thrilled, but I am jonesing big time for the internet and all of my friends!
I got a way cool award from CindyDianne, and I will pass it along soon. I am so jazzed about getting another award. I always feel as though I am not worthy, like all of my blog buddies deserve it more than I do.
Not much new around here. We are having some major construction on our street this month, and we had to have some yahoo from the city come in and do an 'inspection'
I say it like that because all he did was take a quick tour of the house and take one photo from each room. He didn't even go into all of the basement rooms, or the sunroom. For this, I fretted for days about someone coming in. Of course, that means that The Germanators think that they are going to be wandering around my house, too. Erwin showed up three hours before the inspection and tried to force his way in. These people refuse to respect out privacy and think that they can come in any time.
I didn't let him in.
I watched The Lost Boys 2- The Tribe on Tuesday. You know that I was at the store asap to pick up my copy. It was ok but I was disappointed, because, as usual, I expected too much. Angus Sutherland is a poor mans Keifer Sutherland and Corey Feldmans acting was just plain painful. Still, I got my vampire fix and it was a good distraction from the nosey Germanators.
Shawn and I went to see Dark Knight last week. He was calling it Dark Day and Knight, because it was so long. He also mentioned something about do pilates before hand, so that he wouldn't need medical help to get out of the seat after the movie. I think that I liked the previous one better.
Tonight is date night and I think that we might see Step Brothers.I have a sassy new hair cut and a wild new colour - vampire red. Time to paint the town red, I think. I might go for purple, next week. Gotta mix it up and keep Shawn on his toes.

Have a great weekend. Hope it rocks.

True to his word, Shawn took Kayla and I to see Mama Mia. I had a great time and knew most of the words to every song. Shhh, don`t tell, I think that Shawn did, too.
I loved the actors and they all gave it the old college try when it came to the soundtrack. I must admit, it was odd to see a former James Bond singing and dancing to ABBA.
I think that my favourite part of the whole night was when we getting ready to leave.
Three women that had been sitting in the row across from us were discussing the film, as they watched the credits roll. One woman turns to the other two and exclaims
Oh My Gawd. I totally knew that these songs all sounded like ABBA.
Nuff said. It made my night :)