You Have My Heart

I guess that it's about time that I give out my awards. I am feeling much better after that nasty head cold. Thanks for all your well wishes :)

I love all of my blog friends. I really do. I don't leave my house very often because of my depression and bi polar issues ( craziness) and I have isolated myself from alot of 'real life' friends. That is one of the reasons that you all mean so much to me. It really is hard for me to pick just a few of my friends, because, really, you ALL have my heart.

So, without further ado, here goes my list.

Tod, Corky, Gardenia, Marni, Cindydianne, and Dilling.

Thanks for being such cool blog buddies.

Sick.

Back soon.

That's all for now.

Awards Day!

I am not sure how this happened, but I have been given THREE awards! I know, I know, I can barely believe it myself!First, a little while back, my good friend Whim gave this one. I have heart!
Then, she awarded me with this one. I make her day! Whoo hoo!
Then, to my surprise, I got this one from Gabriel.

I think that I need to sit for a minute...Oh, right, I AM sitting. Still, you can see why I am feeling so giddy and light headed. Three awards, from two people that I adore and respect. It doesn't get better than this!

So, I will have to think about who I am going to give these awards to. I hate that part, because I love all of my blog buddies, and you all are excellent, have heart, and make my day!

BTW, I laughed at all of the responses that I got on the photo of Shawn and the duck (Leopold). We have not set a wedding date yet, but we like to do it this year, he is NOT wearing powder blue, and I am NOT giving in on the duck/ring bearer. I MIGHT let Heidi do it though, since she asked so nicely :)

Oh, and Deb? Leopold was just a loaner. If we ever do need a duck, I know where to go!

Now Do You Believe Me?

Looks like we're one step closer to the wedding. Shawn has his duck.

Sigh.

I am so far behind with everything. I haven't really posted in along time - or so it seems.
I started my new meds last week. YAY ME! The shrink has me on Wellbutrin, and my old stand by, Seroquel. I have been on that before, and it works well for me. It is a very low dose, though, and I think that for it to work at all, I need a higher dose.
I can't really say that I feel better, because it takes a few weeks to kick start my brain. I am frustrated as all hell with my shrink. It was my first visit in MONTHS, and I had all of maybe 7 minutes. How can I tell him what I need to in 7 freaking minutes? Whatever happened to the days that we had a 50 minute hour? I know that he doesn't need to hear every detail of my life, but I thought that he might like to know that I have had several severe depressive episodes. My next appointment isn't until June. Somebody should remind me, because I am bound to forget by then.

Shawn has declared this LOVE WEEK. He is freaking me out, he has been so sweet. He has been talking about getting married again, too. We never seem to get past the talking stage. Not that I don't wanna marry him and make it all legal like. This is the longest relationship that I have ever had. Usually I am in divorce court by now. We haven't even made it to the church.
Part of the reason is the whole tax situation. We (read HE) needs to get it sorted out. The other reason is that we can not agree on anything. I don't want a big wedding. Cripes, I have been married twice already. I just want my kids there, my most important family members and a nice dress. He wants BIG. If we invite his family (that hate me) it will be big. Seven sisters, one brother, assorted spouses, kids, and grandkids of his siblings. (He is the baby. His oldest sister is about the age of my mom(s) . He actually grew up thinking that it was his aunt).

Here's the other thing. He is nuts. Ok, like I am crazy and stuff, but he is over the top insane. He told me last night that he wants a duck as the ring bearer.

No, really. I can't even tell you what he wants to wear. There is no such thing as low key when you are hanging with Shawn.

Sigh.

My biggest heartbreak this month is that I am NOT going to see The Spice Girls. I wanted to take the girls to see them in T.O. I was checking out tickets on ebay today...$1000 for two. There is just no way possible.

I wonder HOW I am going to Spice Up My Life now?

Sigh.

I just came from Gabriel's blog, and for some reason, I can't comment over there. I'm not sure what's going on, but I HAD to comment.

His blog today brought tears to my eyes. He wrote a post entitled "My Funny Valentine" and it is beautiful. It is a tribute to his wife, Gaby.

Check out my links, and stop by his place and read about his amazing wife. I hope that in another 10 years, Shawn and I are still as happy as Gaby and her hubby.

Does anybody think it's strange that I wanna keep my village up all year?

Just askin'.

I'm a little preoccupied today. Jericho comes back tonight. I am so excited, I can barely type.

That's all.

Does This Really Need A Title?

A friend emailed this photo to me. I got a good laugh out of it. See the power cord floating on the two flip flops? 'Nuff said.

To my very good friends, Marni and Debi!

Love you

Now, For Some Fun!

Pay It Forward!

As the conditions of Camie's blog state:

The Game:

Everyone who has a blog is welcome to participate.

The first three people to leave a comment on my blog will recieve a gift from me in the next 365 days. The only condition is that those people will have to do the same on their blogs.

Pay it Forward!

The gifts will be silly and I promise to have them sent out within the month.

This Just In.....

We are staying.

Deep breaths.

Thanks for everything.

Tomorrow, I see my shrink. Whew. I'll let you know how that goes.

I Still Haven't Heard

I am still waiting to hear.

I am on pins and needles, too, Pheonix!

I'll let you know as soon as I know.

SIGH

The Germanators

I got a phone call from John, or as KC calls him, The Germanator.

I will not be going tomorrow, and neither will Shawn. I just can't. Even if Shawn could go, I know that I can't. I can say that I will, but more than likely, my panic will overwhelm me, and I won't make it.

I did speak with John. He assures me that he does not want to kick me out. He sounds so sincere....I want to trust him, but ....

I'll let you know tomorrow how it goes. Keep your fingers crossed, and the prayers coming. For some reason, I feel hopeful.

I Shoulda Stayed In Bed

February 4 th is a notoriously bad day for me. It has been for the last 18 years. I normally (try) to stay in bed and I don't leave the house. Ok, well, I seldom leave the house anway, BUT February 4 th, I stay hidden. It's just easier that way.

Today was no exception. I had to deal with The Church People, aka, The Landlords. Shawn had a 7 week layoff over the holidays. There was also that bit of nastiness when Jessie was in the hospital. We survived on food bank fare and donations from a church. There wasn't even bus fare to go around. It was bad, but we made it.

The result of the lay off was that we fell behind on our bills, rent included. We fell behind to the tune of $1200 (this is on our $300 a week agreement). Last week, I paid off that $1200, which was no small feat, believe me. We were not able to pay THAT weeks $300, however. We did pay THIS week, which means that we are, still, one week behind.

Now here's where it gets tricky. We have SEVERAL landlords here. Our place is owned by a church, and everyone has their fingers in the pot. On more than one occasion, we have had several different members of the church come to our door to collect rent that had already been paid. When we fell behind, we were told by one person to "catch up as soon as you can." This is the guy that we were told to deal with. We'll call him 'John.'

John told us to call when we had the money.

I tried to call him all week to make arrangements to pay the money.

I got no answer even after I left a message. Or two. Or Three.....

The following Sunday I am given papers by the treasurer of the church, giving me a new Tribunal date. I have only met this person ONE other time, and I have never dealt with her on this level. She tells me that I should have called. I tell her that I DID, more than once. She tells me that I should have called HER, because John is in Africa.

Hmmm....Ok. So I tell her that I can borrow the money, if she writes me a letter that saying that I owe X amount, as proof that I do, indeeed owe the money. She tells that is MY problem, and I should solve it on my own.

(This is where I remind you that I am dealing with a church)

I promised her that I could have it by the end of the week, with a little co operation.

Anyway, I DID get the money, and by the middle of the week. I had to call THREE different numbers to get the money picked up.

A DIFFERENT person came to get the cheque.

So, the next person that I am dealing with, the guy that picks the money up, tells me that they have no intention of kicking us out. They just want the money. He PROMISES me that if we pay, everything will be fine. We'll call him 'Stinky' - cuz he is.

So, I get my reciept and I am told that I have to wait for John to get back from Africa before they can withdraw the Tribunal papers, because he is the one in charge.

SIGH...............

Ok, I DO owe the money. I have worked my tail off getting them the $1200 that they asked for. Although we do have arrears that we are clearing off, all that we are behind on our agreement is the $300..We have paid $1500 in 2 weeks. I think that shows good faith.

I told Stinky that this $1200 is all of the money that I have, and PLEASE don't screw us over. If they DO go ahead with the Tribunal date, then we WILL be evicted and we might only have ONE week to move. There is NO way possible for us to this since we have just given them all of our money.

I am assured, by this Church Guy, that they would never do that...

Keep in mind that Shawn has not yet had a full week back at work. If he misses one day, not only could he be fired, but we won't have enough money at the end of the week to pay rent and buy groceries. Our budget is THAT tight.

Flash forward.....

John is back from Africa. Now, he is all powerful man that can stop this process. That is what we have been told.

I just got off of the phone with John.

They are going ahead with the Tribunal.

If we don't go, the Adjudicator will make an automatic judgement in the favour of the church. Typically, you are given 7-10 days to leave.

If we DO go, they may find against us, because we are in fact, ONE week behind on our agreement. Shawn WILL lose a day pay, and he COULD be fired.

I explained all of this to John, and asked if we could just arrange a move out date, because I don't want to be homeless in a week with my kids.

His response?

"That's up to the judge."

I said that we would happily move, if that is what they want.

He says that no, they just want the rent.

WTF?

I owe one week. They just got a pile of cash outta me.

So, I guess that we are moving. There really is no way for us to go to the Tribunal. We can't afford to risk Shawn's job. We just can't.

I know that we owe this money. I know that we have been behind before. I also know that we have moved Hell and high water to make things right. It feels like the church is screwing us over. It really does. I wonder how people that claim to be Christian can do this? They know that we have no money, they know that you can't find a place/pack/and move in a week, especially when you have ZERO money.

I just feel defeated. I feel like I tried to do the right thing, by paying off the back rent, even though I knew that it meant we would not be able to move. I feel like the church took that money, knowing all of this, and had every intention of kicking our asses out.

This is the first place that has really felt like home. The kids have played here.

We grew the most beautiful Morning Glory's ever.
We buried our Pork Chop in the back yard.

We have also done countless small repairs, at our cost. We had to put in taps the first week that we moved in, because the ones in the kitchen were TAPED on. We cleaned for TWO weeks before we moved in, cleaning up after the shlubbs that lived her before us. We even replaced the carpet this past summer.

We rehung the gate, planted shrubs where the old ones had died, and replace all of the locks, also at our expense, because Stinky and the FIRST landlord lost all of the keys. We even mowed the lawn when the previous occupants were still living here, because the church asked us to.

We have never asked to be reimbursed for any of this. We just did it because we love our little home. We had to deal with church members walking into our home, on more than one occasion, without being invited (this past week, infact), and having people call us names (in German, but hey, both Shawn and I are part German..we understand more than they know)....

I think that I am DONE. I have no idea HOW we will do this, but we are outta here. My stress level is CRAZY bad, and I can't do this anymore.

If anyone knows of a place for rent, gimme a call. I'm looking.

The Love Blog

A couple of weeks ago, Canadian Flake gave this award. I think that Flake is one of the sweetest bloggers around, so I am doubly pleased that she chose me.

Me! Can you believe it? I have such amazing blog buddies. I really do.

I have to pick 5 more people to give this award to. I hate this part, because I always feel like everyone deserves an award. Well, not EVERYONE, just my super great blog buddies.

Katy- Her Indoors. Wanna talk about someone spreading the love? Look no further than Katy. She sends me emails when I am feeling down, and always does her best to make me laugh. It usually works, too. She is awesome. I'm so lucky to have found her.

Chellie- I think that she found me, and I am so grateful. Have you been over to her new place? You really should stop by. You will feel as though you have reunited with an old friend. Plus, she is a dog lover. What more could you ask for?

Christine- Christine is amazing. She is incredibly kind, and has reached out to me, when she has so much going on in her own life. Honestly, if you haven't been by to visit her, then you really should.

Heidi- Hickchic- Ok, I am breaking my own rule here. I never pick Heidi because she is my real life bestest, for many years. The thing is, she is great blog buddy. If I had never met her before, I would STILL love her. She is my biggest cheerleader, and I love her for it.

Whimsicalnbrainpan- Where do I start? She is incredible. She has been so supportive of me. The thing about Whim is, she has a huge heart. She inspires me. Stop by and say hi. I guarantee, you will not regret it.

Ok, so there you have five. This was so difficult. I love all of my buddies SO much. You have all touched me, in some way. You have all enriched my life and made me smile. So, to ALL of my buddies, a great big Thank you.

Pork Chop

We got Pork Chop (aka Petunia) 3 1/2 years ago from the local SPCA. She had been living there about 5 months already when KC decided that she, and our Poodle, needed a new friend. Poodle, our terri-poo, was getting on in years, and I was looking at going back to work full time. We thought that Porky would be a good companion for Poodle.

When we first went to meet Porky, she was bouncy, friendly, and SO cute. She seemed to be a perfect fit.

We had to visit with her about 3 times before we were allowed to bring her home. We spent time with her in the 'family room' where there were toys and chairs, and we all hung out getting to know each other. We even took her for a little walk outside.

It was the one and only time that she ever walked willingly on a leash. Once we got her home, we realized that the happy lil dog that was now a part of our family had snowed us.

She was NOT happy. She had been abused, and it was hard for her to trust. She was unable to walk up stairs (mind you, her legs were only about 3 inches long) but would try to bite you when you picked her up to help her.

She was a coffee addict. We found this out when she stole the neighbours Tim Hortons cup one day and tried to run off with it. I can't say how much she actually drank, but she spent the next EIGHT hours bouncing uncontrollably.

We lost Poodle and we were grateful to have the chihuahua/jack russell around. She hated to be cuddled, and she refused to walk on a leash, but she was entertaining.

When Ruby came home one year (to the day) after we lost Poodle, the angry, sullen Porky suddenly became loving. She played with the new puppy, and even carried food into the living room for her. Ruby spent the 1st two weeks here covered in Porky slobber.

She was NOT impressed when KC brought Bumble home. We knew that Porky was getting on, and we wanted a friend for Ruby. She would growl and grouse whenever they ran by her, like a cranky old lady. She hated visits from The Pug, because they would run around the house for hours on end. Her motto seemed to be No Fun On My Watch.

A couple of days ago, she stopped eating. She had been having a lot of accidents in the house (on the new carpet) and we could see that she was winding down. She didn't get up to say hi to Shawn when he came from work, and wasn't interested in the treats that we tried to tempt her with. She picked at her kibble, and drank constantly.

Yesterday, KC poured some coffee in a bowl, and brought to Porky. She barely lifted her head. We had the talk last night. The one where you have to decide whether or not you can watch a beloved family member suffer.

In the end, none of it mattered. She passed away this morning, shortly before we left the house.
I wrapped her in a blanket, put her in a box. When Shawn gets home, we will bury her in the back yard.

I hope that she finds peace now. I will never know what happened to Porky before she came to us. I can only hope that she felt loved in her last few years.

We will miss her.

If you are reading this on Tuesday, then KC and I will be walking from HERE To Here.
This is where we will be spending the better part of our day.

Wish us luck.

Thanks for all of the e mails and comments. My bi polar has gotten the best of me lately, and I am struggling to do the day to day stuff - even bathing has been a chore. I see my shrink on February 7th, and I am just trying to hang in until then.

I have court on Tuesday, with KC and Shawn. This should be interesting. We have all been subpoenaed to give evidence in the robbery assault that happened in December 2006. (Shawn and KC were assaulted and robbed by a cabbie). On my best days I can't talk in front of strangers, in a crowded room. I have no idea how I am going to handle this. I am not coping well right now, and I am afraid of having a full blown panic attack in the court room. (Ok, deep breaths.....) If I feel myself going down, I'm gonna scream 'It's The Big One !'

I will, I swear.

I am nothing of not entertaining.

Jessica is feeling better, and her weight has held steady at a mighty 94 lbs. I am buying a blender asap and making that kid shakes. She needs to pack the weight on (and no, we can't donate any..I already asked) so that the next time she gets a little flu bug, she doesn't fold like a K-Mart lawn chair. We have enough of that for the time being.

Shawn has promised to take me out this afternoon, so I should get my butt in gear. It is cold out, and we are soo close to broke, but I NEED to get out for awhile. It might take my mind off of the ordeal that awaits us on Tuesday.

Thanks for waiting for me. I'll be back soon.

Biddie

Survivor Meme

Katy, over at Her Indoors, tagged me with a meme. It's a relief, really, because I have been feeling very down, and I just couldn't think of anything to blog.

So, I guess that I need to list 25 things that I NEED, and 5 things that I WANT. This is my chance to communicate my own needs as a survivor (of abuse). I think that this will be good for me.

1. I need PEACE. Peace in my heart, in my mind, and in my home.

2. I need my meds. It seems so simple, but I am still waiting to see my shrink, and the wait is incredibly long and painful.

3. I need to realize that staying away from people that are toxic - even if you love them - is the best thing for me, and my family.

4. I need to work on my self esteem.

5. I need to spend more time with people that I love and that love me back.

6. I need to write more.

7. I need to be hugged.

8. I need more sleep.

9. I need to remember that children are not responsible for the actions of the adults around them.

10. I need to stop blaming myself for some things.

11. I need to visit my sister.

12. I need to forgive myself.

13. I need to forgive others.

14. I need to stop pretending.

15. I need Ruby.

16. I need to spend more time with my girls.

17. I need to feel like I am not alone.

18. I need friends.

19. I need to feel normal.

20. I need to leave my house more often.

21. I need to do things for others. It makes me feel great.

22. I need my jammie pants.

23. I need Shawn

24. I need new contacts and glasses.

25. I need to feel secure.


Now, for the list of WANTS.

1. I want to be happy again.

2. I want for my loved ones to be safe.

3. I want a cure for diabetes.

4. I want enough money to get by every month.

5. I want a ring on my finger.

That was actually much easier than I thought it would be. Apparently, I have a lot of needs :)

I know that most of blog buddies don't care much for meme's, so I will just ask that anyone that wants to can do their own. I'm glad that I did this. It feels good to share with you all.