I am back. Ish. I am on KC's laptop, which I really hate. It takes me twice as long to do anything and since it is not mine, I do always have access to it. I do right now, though, so I thought that I would stop by and get caught up.

We took Jessica to see her doctor on Monday. I hate going there. We usually get bad news, or at the very least, her doc is stern and we feel like crap when we leave.
Not this time! Jessica has made the most dramatic improvement that either the nurse or the doc has ever seen in just one month.

I can not even tell you how elated we all were when we left. Jessica has gained another two pounds since June. Her AIC (average blood sugars over a period of time, usually 3 months) is down FIVE percent!

I was so impressed that I let her go away for the rest of the week. She is vacationing in Fort Erie with her friend. Swimming, sun and fun are just what she needs to celebrate the good news.
Shawn and I are going out this weekend to look at a new tower for our computer. I think that I should be back on line by Saturday. I hope.

That's about it for now. I will try to pop by and see everyone. I tell ya, one day without my pc and I am a wreck!

This is KC writing to all my mom's dedicated fans.
My mom won't be online for a while and this is why. . .
Computer + Hard drive eating virus = massive computer crash and the purchase of a new computer hopefully within the next couple weeks.
If you need to talk to her you can email her and I can check the emails from Spencer's house.
Be back soon.

July 11 is a strange day for me. My Dad passed away on July 11th, 1999. I can recall vividly, most of the details of that day. The trip that I took to Detroit, and the phone call home at 10:11 that morning. I had a gut feeling that today was the day, and I called home to check on my Dad. He was eating KFC with my brother, and was more alert than he had been in days. My (step) mom assured me that he was fine, I had no reason to worry and that I should have a great time away with my friend an Geoff.

When we got home later that day, I had an incredible urge to see my Dad. It was nothing that I could explain, other than I just needed to see him. Geoff refused to either take me in the car, or watch the girls, and he went fishing, not even leaving me with bus fare. I cried for the remainder of the day. I knew that I had to get to my Dad.
I never did. He passed away that same night - at 10:11 pm.

I can recall much more, but I don't want to rehash it all. No need, really, because July 11 th is about more than just my Dad.

July 11th 1997, my sister, in Colorado, that I hadn't yet met, lost her Mom. On that day in 1999, while I was mourning my Dad, my sister, Lucky, was missing her Mom.

I found my sister in February, 2002. We connected immediately. She was everything that I knew she would be, and more. We made plans to meet that summer. Lucky called her travel agent, and a flight was booked.

I met my sister on July 11, 2002. Kayla and I waited anxiously for the sliding doors at the airport arrivals to open. My hands shook and my heart was racing wildly. When the doors finally opened to reveal my sister, my heart was beating like a drum. It was one of the defining moments of my life.

Before my Dad died, we had the opportunity to talk - to heal old wounds, to make amends, and to make promises. I promised to live my life the same way that I would if he were still here. To make him proud. I promised to do my best to reconcile with Betty, and to take care of his grand daughters (the light of his life).

He promised to watch over me, to let me know, somehow, someway, that he was ok. He also promised to send me my sister. He kept his word.

I have always wondered if it was a fluke that I met my sister on July 11th, or if there was a higher power, and two loving parents responsible.

Either way, today, I will be thinking of John, Joan, and Lucky.

NIMBY

You know, Not In My BackYard?
I have never really ever been one of those people - the people that think that their neighbourhood, their street, their community was too esteemed, or affluent to have 'those kinds of people' in their midst. Part of my childhood was spent in a place that was so much like Pleasantville that I nearly choked on the sugary goodness everyday.
I STILL never thought that I was ever going to be a Nimby-person.



Until a couple of weeks ago, when our street woke up to this. See that pink house? It is directly across the street from me. They had JUST finished painting the exterior of the house about two days before they were vandalised.

What does this have to do with NIMBY? Well, the perpetrators of this heinous crime live three doors away from me. In a group home.

Oh, sure, we knew about it. I figured live and let live. After all, I have no idea why any of the kids are there. Sometimes, circumstances beyond your control can send you spiralling and you end up somewhere that you never thought that you would be.

The kids started hanging out on the church steps, next door to us. One night, one of them slept on the church doorstep, much to my discontent. Still, we let them be.

Look what happens when we 'let them be.'

The worst part of this whole thing is that the church next to us was hit. Bad. Jessica and I cleaned the blue spray paint from the windows, but there was a big, bold R.I.P. Biggie Smalls blasted across the new stone steps.

Some of the mostly elderly congregation were afraid that a real gang was involved. All of the houses hit have had to recover from this with NO help from the jerks that are responsible. You know how I know that the group home kids did it?

Two reasons.
One kid was caught wearing a paint stained shirt when the police came, and
they kids were forced to apologize to the church members that were cleaning up the mess.

Mind you, they have not spoken one word to any of the other neighbours that have to use their own resources to take care of this mess, and they have not even offered to help anyone with the restoration.

So, am I a Nimby now?

On my street?

You bet.

Not feeling very chatty right now. Meds aren't working and it feels like life is passing me by.

Sigh.

Cupcakes, Indy and Laughter

I had a quiet birthday yesterday...KC cooked dinner and cleaned up, and I literally did nothing. Not a thing.

It was wonderful.


I got lots of awesome gifts, but this is one of my favourites...KC bought me this because she knows that a) I am a huge Harrison Ford/Han Solo/Indiana Jones fan
and
b) I am a huge dork.

It's ok, I can live with that. I am happy as heck to be a dork. He will go on my toy shelf next to my V action figure. I'm not sure how Indy feels about sharing shelf space with a lizard, but whatever. Kayla has her Sid Vicious action figure up on the shelf, too.

KC made me a cupcake cake. How cool is that? She spent a couple of hours baking decorating and cleaning. She made a wicked good pot roast, too.

Without complaining. That was the best part.

I had two phone calls last night. The first came from TMOC in Halifax. We talked for over an hour and laughed like little kids. He is one of the few people I know that shares my love of toys and action figures. Last year, for his birthday, I bought him a vintage G.I. Joe army vehicle. He squealed like a five year old meeting Santa for the first time. I swear, his hands were shaking when he pulled it out of the box.

This year, for my birthday, he sent me a Brady Bunch birthday card. How well does he know his little sister?

Then, just as I felt that my ear would fall off from all of the talking, my sister, Lucky called. She lives in Colorado, and we never get to see each other. As a matter of fact, we have only seen each other twice. I miss her like nobodies business. Of course, there was more laughter, and by the end of the night, my sides hurt from all of the laughing.

I haven't laughed that hard in....Well, for as long as I can remember. It was just what I needed. Laughter really IS good for the soul.
So are great friends and family.

The fun doesn't end there. Jethro and Heidi will be by in a week or so, and we will laugh again, and celebrate three birthdays. ( I suck so much that I haven't even mailed out The Girls gift, and she turned 14 at the end of May). Then, there is Bucky's birthday, in early July. Might as well do it all at once.

I wonder how big that cake will be?????

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. My friends rock.

Oh, and Heather? If I am 29, that makes you 28. :)

Mom's Birthday!

It's me KC, I broke into my mom's blogger account to show you a wicked cool picture of the cake I made her. It's a cake of cupcakes. I am actually impressed that I made that many cupcakes without burning them. Anyways, I won't make you wait anymore. Here are some pictures.

I'm sure my mom will fill you in on the rest of her day today, oh and don't forget she turned 29.

No More Monkey Suits For Another Year

Did everyone see that photo of my baby and Shawn? I am always in awe of Jessica's beauty. She takes my breath away.

And Shawn? Now you know why I can't keep my hands to myself!

Well, the graduations are done until next year, when it is Kayla's turn. Thank goodness. I cried like a baby at Jessica's. Held it in - almost at Kristy's. Another one would do me in. I need a year off.

It has been a bad week. I mean, the graduations were great. I have been a nightmare the past few days though. I know it. My mood swings are at an all time high. I haven't been this bad in ages. I feel like a shmuck. The girls, Shawn, and even the dogs have felt my wrath. I think that it may be time to discuss changing meds. I don't want my family to be afraid of me. Good Lord, the last thing that I want is for people to say things like...She is just like her mother - Hurricane Betty.

Think I am exaggerating? I'm not. Family members call her that. She blows in, makes a mess and blows out again.

Shudder.

KC and I did something today that made me more manic than depressed.

We got tickets to see New Kids On The Block in September.

Oh yes, we really did.

How exciting is that?

Couldn't you just pee you're so happy for me?

Know what the best part is? Shawn is coming with us. LOL. He made a promise to me that the next time that I went to a concert (cuz I am all the time rocking out to live music) he would go. He was probably hoping for Poison, or Judas Priest, or one of those school bands.

No such luck. September 18 th will mark our 7 th year together, too, so there is no way that he would bail on me.
I'll try not to swoon over Jordan Knight in front of Shawn. That would be bad form, especially on our anniversary :)

She's done grade school

Don't they look fabu?

Has anyone noticed that when Pepsi goes flat it tastes like pencil shavings?

Anyone?

Happy Fathers Day

I have had many Fathers Days without my Dad. It never seems to get any easier for me. He passed away in 1999 after living with a terminal illness for 10 years. He outlived the doctors dire diagnoses and expectations by 4+ years.

That was just him. Stubborn all the way. He got that from the Steeves side of the family. His Dad (passed away some 5 years ago ) and sister are the same way.

Thankfully, the stubborn streak skipped me and went straight to my kids. (Ahem, cough cough, Kayla)

My Dad wasn't just a Dad. He was a single Dad back in the days when only widowers raised their children. He was the first father in our region to win custody of his kids. Not that it matters much, but my brother had a different bio Dad (also one hell of a great man. I miss him almost as much as I miss my Dad). My Dad got custody of a kid that biologically wasn't even his. Unheard of 35 years ago.

We lived like 3 bachelors in many ways. My Dad was a great cook, but being the only parent in the house, he worked full time. He was security at concerts, he ran a hobby shop, he had his own towing business, and finally, he sold tombstones. (crap, I mean memorials. He always corrected me when I said that)

He took us to the drive in - I remember seeing Star Wars there. (It was where Toys R Us is now, Gabriel) and came to all of our school events. I can recall one time, when I was about 7, and I was in a Brownie troop. We were having a Mothers Day tea, and we made hats out of paper plates and tissue paper flowers. I waited and waited to hear from my Mum that she was coming. Of course, she didn't. So, my Dad filled in for her, as he always did. He proudly wore his paper bonnet and squished himself into the little chair. He was the only man there.

My Dad wasn't only a good Dad, he was a great son to my Nannie, and even to Betty's mom after they were divorced. He did everything for his mom, even though they had a strained relationship. You see, my Dad was raised in an orphanage, from the time he was 5 until he was 16. My grandparents divorced in 1939, and being a divorced woman was considered shameful. My Nannie had no help from her family, and it was impossible to keep my Dad while she worked full time. It just did not happen back then. They saw each other most weekends, but my Dad didn't come home again until he was 16. Still, he loved his mom.

When I was 10, my Dad met a woman who worked at Sears. He bought a watch battery from her, and they made a date. One date turned into another and another, and before I knew it, I had two new brothers and a sister. We moved out to Smallburg, and life would never be the same for me. There is alot that I can say about Mission Mary. You all know how I feel about her. She has not honoured my fathers wishes and has cut me out of the family, and the will. It is what it is. I will say this for her. When my Dad was sick - and I mean bedridden, and confused - she took wonderful care of him. My sister, Posh and my brother Mike, doted on him. Why not? He gave up alot to adopt them. He loved them, they loved him. ( I wish that I could say the same for my other brothers).

There are days when I STILL pick up the phone to call him. I hear a good joke and my first thought is - Dad would love this. When KC graduated from college, my mind was on my Dad and how proud he would be.

I miss him so much. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of him. Honestly. Every achievement that one of my girls has, every birthday, confirmation, graduation, is bitter sweet because my Dad should be here with us. I think of all of the things that have happened since he passed - a divorce, 4 babies born, two weddings, and all of the

family that we have since lost. I hate that he isn't here to share all of that with us. I hate that Jessica barely remembers him, and most of what she does remember is a man hooked up to an oxygen hose. I hate that he will never meet Shawn and that I can't tell him that I love him one more time.
Then, I remember that he was hooked up to that damn tank, for 4 years before he died. I see him, frail and breathless, in my memory, and I know that I am just being selfish.
In my heart he will always be Daddy. The man that raced stock cars, volunteered at the church,made the best BBQ ribs, and loved his kids. He will always be larger than life.
I miss you, Daddy, but I am glad that you are up there, somewhere, without that blasted hose, telling bad jokes with your Dad, your Mom (are they finally getting along?) your baby brother, and Lucky's Mom. He can breathe, and I believe that I will see him again someday. Until then, I love you, Daddy.


Happy Fathers Day, to my Dad and all of the other Dads out there.




John Joseph Steeves
January 15, 1934 - July 11, 1999

Yazoo - Nobody's diary

Sometimes, I worry that this is all I will ever be.

I have been either sleepy, or groggy the past few days and I have gotten very little done. Well, there was KC's graduation. I managed to get my arse out of bed for that.
It was almost the way that I had imagined, except that in my version, there would have been a huge cheering section made up of family and friends. We were told that each graduate could only have two guests, so we didn't even bring Kayla and Jessica. I wish that they could seen their big sister up there, walking across the stage with all of the pomp and circumstance.
It has been an interesting week, to say the least.
I found out that a family member had a baby...A baby that, because of the he-said-she-said game (and family politics) I will never get to hold. In all reality, I will only get to see her if we bump into each other on the street, like the strangers that we have become.
I am mourning the loss of another baby. There will be no firsts for this little one. I am heartbroken for my much loved family members that have lost something - someone - so precious.
I found a long lost love this week, too. Not that he was lost, really, but we lost touch right around the time that Shawn and I started dating. We dated off and on for a couple of years. It so tumultuous. We were either arguing and breaking up, or making up.
He asked me to marry him, finally, after Jessica was born. I turned him down, because I had to. I had to think of the girls.
My long lost love moved out west, leaving me here. It was a painful time, and I felt for years that I had made the wrong choice.
As it turns out, I did do the right thing. I have Shawn, who I love more than anyone, and he has a family of his own.
Still, I think of him from time to time...
We took Jessica to see the doc on Monday. Her AIC average over three months) has come waaay down, and she has gained another pound since she left the hospital. Small victories, but victories all the same. I am so glad that Shawn came to see the doc with us... Going to see the doctor now is like walking that long lonely walk to the gas chamber.
Well, maybe not like THAT, but definitely panic inducing. At least with Shawn there, I am not alone.
My biggest piss off about the whole thing? Jessica's doctor has a med student shadowing him. She seems nice enough, but I have never met her. After we discussed Jessica and her progress, Jessica's doctor asked me - in front of shadowing med student - about my mental health.
WTF?
I have no problem talking about my situation with the regular doc, but I am not going to discuss private matters with a stranger. Shawn and I left thrilled to bits about Jess, and fuming about the intrusion in our personal lives.
Sigh...
Other than that, I am sleeping, thinking of sleep, or waiting until I can go back to sleep. Lol. It;s okay though. This is just a phase.
That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

No Words Needed

I had an unexpected visitor today. Unfortunately, I missed her.
My blog buddy, Christine stopped by, with some plants for my garden. She had called yesterday, to ask of she could stop by today. Shawn took the call, I didn't even know that she called.

Yesterday was a rotten, awful, no good day. I seriously had an atomic panic attack when Shawn and I were out getting groceries. I sat on a curb by the grocery store, and cried for over an hour. I wish that I could say that was the worst of it, but sadly, it went downhill from there.

In all of the commotion, Shawn forgot that Christine called, and I pretty much went to bed when we got home. Today, I slept most of the day away, partly from my meds, partly from the shame and exhaustion of yesterday. When Christine showed up today, Shawn was taken by surprise, and didn't even invite her in.

I am soo sorry that I missed you, Christine! Thank you so much for the plants. You can't imagine how that gesture means to me, especially after yesterday. Please, come back again, and Shawn will bbq...

You're the best :)

Just Like Mom

Dunno why, but this made me think of Betty. At least I can laugh about it :)

Biddie Van Winkle

I started on my new dose of Seriquel last night. I am now taking 4x the amount that I was taking. It always knocks me on my ass when I start a higher dose..I woke up 11 am, fell asleep on the couch watching The Jeffersons, switched couches, fell asleep watching Sandford and Son, (noonish) and then I was up around 1 until 2:30. Went back to bed, got up at 4:09.

I have managed to stay awake since then. This will be the pattern for at least a few more days... I am so tired of being tired already. Somebody wake me up in time for KC's graduation this Wednesday, please?

My Name Is Bridget ALLEN

I sent away for a new birth certificate at the end of February. I paid an extra $10 for the 5 - 10 business days service.
It finally came - today. What is that? Four -ish months later?

Guess what? It had the WRONG name on it.

I am so mad, but who can I complain to?