40

I am exhausted! I had more fun than should be legally allowed with my family.
It's been a pretty good start to 40 so far................

Bruno, Bumble and Lola, caught playing in the tub.

Molly/Bella and her new mom.

The new love of my life, baby Ryder.

Yesterday I spent some time at the cemetery with my Dad, my Grossie (great grandma) and some other old friends. I don't get out there often, it's in Smallburg and I rarely venture out that way anymore. There is nothing for me since my family became fractured and my Granny passed away a few years ago.

I do like the quiet solitude of the cemetery. It's peaceful and I find myself reflecting on my life, my Dad, lost friends and loved ones while I walk the winding pathways. I always clear the clover and dirt of off the plaque for the Smallburg Board Of Trade that bares my fathers name. Seeing his name always gives me some measure of comfort... It has been nearly 10 years since he died and he has not been forgotten. His name is there for everyone to see...I like that.

Today was relatively quiet..As quiet as can be when all of my girls are at home. We don't see enough of KC - she is busy with work and school, and of course, Spencer. Shawn got a pile of gifts from the girls, and best of all, we were all in the same room. At the same time.

Kayla and Cody have two more days of high school and then they are done.

Forever.

It is so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that wee little Kayla is all grown up. She is undecided about the fall, she is wants to take something, learn something, but what is the real question. In the meanwhile she is pounding the pavement looking for work.

Cody is taking a summer school course and then is thinking of an apprenticeship. I have no idea how much longer he will be with us, but we are not pushing him out the door. We want him to have a head start and the only way that he can have that is if he has a safe, warm place to live with no worries.

Jessica is almost done grade nine. My baby. How? When? It seems unreal to me. Sometimes I wish that she were 4 again, and I was her whole world. Those days passed so quickly, at the speed of light.

Sigh.

Friday I will be 40.

I don't feel 40 and if you ask most of the people that know me, they will saw that I most certainly do not act 40. Still, there it is...

My mental health has improved expediently in these past weeks,and I am happy with where I am right now, but I still pause to wonder....

I`m not sure what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I am pretty sure this isn`t it.

Who knows what the next 40 years are going to be like? My guess is that whatever the universe has in store for me, it will be anything but boring.

Happiness Is

Hearing from an old friend that you thought had been lost to you forever - even if it is only two simple words...
Thank you.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I went back to see my shrink last week, a couple of hours before we had to get ready for Kayla's prom. I have to admit that I do feel a lot better since I have been on the new meds. They are kicking my ass as far as sleep - I can't seem to get enough - but I am a changed woman! I am no longer crying for hours on end, I actually smile now, and best of all, I have been getting out of the house - alone.
That's right friends, I have been walking the dogs all by my lonesome.
There are no words to describe how incredible it is to finally break free.

Shawn and I got FREE passes to the movies last week and saw Drag Me To Hell. I loved it. I am a huge Evil Dead fan, so this was right up my alley. We have two more free passes, but we can't decide between Up and a couple of others. I have to chose carefully - these are the last of my freebies.

There have been other things to occupy my time and keep me busy.
Last Saturday we had a visit with Heidi and her girl, Tribble. I love girl time with Heidi, and it was especially great to have her girl along. I couldn't help but look at the sweet 15 year old with the gorgeous super model smile. I wanted to tell her to smile more, but I didn't. I should have. She is such a great kid, I love to see her smile.

Shawn and I have had numerous doctor's appointments in these past few weeks. Shrinks, dentists, and a couple of specialists, too. Shawn has had an MRI, CT Scan, an ultra sound, and was checked out by a vascular surgeon. I am not certain what is happening yet, but we do know that there are no blood clots in his leg or knee. We do know that he has a large cyst behind his right knee that will most likely require surgery, but that is about all that we know right now.
I have put off discussing this with my friends, mostly because it scares the hell outta me to think of cancer or surgery, or any more time spent in the hospital. I am ready to go into full on PSW mode if I have to, but let's hope that it never comes to that.

Honestly, this change in meds could not have come at a better time. I just picture myself moping in my room, fretting about this and that. I actually feel ok.

I do.

How cool is that?

Oh, one other wee bit of news. I will turning 40 in 20 days. Not sure how I feel about that...I'll let you know. :P

Kayla`s Prom

Help!

The new meds must be working because I am crying less, and cleaning the house more.
Damn meds.

Not Crazy Enough...?

What a week it's been!

Wednesday evening found me preparing for a walk to the library, to listen to local authors reading selections of their work . It is a relatively short walk, even I can do it in about 15 minutes. I took two anti anxiety pills that KC gave me, took a deep breath, and stepped out the door.

I have not been out on my own since Jessica was in the hospital, over a year ago. I have not walked to the store, taken the dogs for a walk, or hopped on a bus alone in over a year.

My heart pounding, I made my way up the street, passing an old man in dirty trousers drinking minty green mouthwash, the corner store that is open 7 days a week (except Sundays) and the house on the corner with the red tulips and purple iris'.

I was nearly half way there before I realized that I was practically running.

No wonder I was out of breath and sweaty.

I slowed down enough to calm myself. There was nothing, after all to panic about. I was just out for a walk, heading the same library that I had been to a hundred times before to see my bestest childhood friend that I had not seen in 15 + years.

Yup. Back into panic mode.

I made it to the library with time to spare, but had heart palpitations when I couldn't find the right room.

Walking into crowded rooms is another phobia of mine.

I took the 1st open chair, which, thankfully, was right behind Kim.

Kim was the third one up, and in my opinion, the best. I have always loved Kim's work. When I lived in Nova Scotia, she wrote to me almost weekly. I would read and reread her letters over and over. I could picture myself there with her, on her school trip, at the movies, or eating lunch in the caf. Whatever she wrote, I was right there with her.

All of the authors were brilliant. I lost myself in the poetry and stories for over an hour.

We had a chance to reminisce, for a short while. It was like we were 12 years old again, although neither Harrison Ford or Christopher Atkins were mentioned even once.

Our time was too short, but I am so pleased that we reconnected.

Today was a something altogether different.

Today I saw my shrink, the elusive Dr. Soprano (as Shawn calls him).

I had a small list of things that I wanted to say:

My meds are not working, or the dosage is not enough to give me the qulaity of life that I feel I deserve

I need something to help with my anxiety. Leaving the house alone should not be so traumatizing.

I need to be monitored more closely, and more often.

Shawn helped enormously with this. He spoke for me when the words got caught in my throat, and became my advocate when the doctor told me that -

are you ready?

I am not psychotic enough!

Shawn told the doctor that I am, indeed psychotic and I should be monitored more often.

(Sniff, sniff. This is where I get a little emotional. I mean, how incredibly sweet of him to stand up for me like that).

I think what the doctor means is that most of his patients are psychotic and/or schizophrenic. While I may be crazy, I am not at a high risk for injuring myself or others.

The end result of the visit was another anti depressant, Cipralex, an anti anxiety medication that I can take every night and whenever I feel a freak out coming on, and another appoinment in two weeks.

I guess he thought that I was just crazy enough. :)

My thoughts are racing tonight. That's nothing new, it is part of the charm that comes with being bi polar. My thoughts race so often and so rapidly that I have not read a book in over a year and I have not written, I mean really written anything in just as long.

The one thing that I can stay focused on is the astonishing fact that I have three gorgeous girls. My dear friend L, and another childhood friend are mourning their daughters, and I have been rewarded with three of my own.
I just can't stop thinking of my good fortune. I can't imagine what I ever did to deserve the amazing daughters that I have, but I am eternally grateful to the powers that be for entrusting them to me.

Stuff

Jessica had a visit with her specialist today and she has gained another three pounds. Of course,
we all cheered. (I gain weight all of the time and nobody congratulates me.) She has been working hard at keeping her bg where it should be, eating right and exercising more. I am so proud of her. This has been an incredible struggle for her, but we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I see my shrink this week. I have been on my Wellbutrin for about a year now, I think. It is not working the way that it should, or I need my dose upped again. Not sure which, but I just feel so down most of the time. My manic episodes are few and far between these days. That sounds great, but the reality is that I would rather be laughing then crying. I am going to talk to him about my panic attacks, too. Maybe there is something that will help me with both.

The other big event this week is that I am going to be catching up with an old friend. Kim and I were inseparable when we were kids. We did everything together, and I got her into so much trouble. I don't know what I would have done without her during my Smallburg years.
We haven't seen each other since..1993, when her mom passed away. We have spoken on the phone, and emailed each other, but it has been 16 years since I have seen in person. Way too long, in my opinion. She is due to have her 1st baby any day, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't decide to make an early appearance.

There is one other thing. Shawn and I have to do something tomorrow that can change the course of our lives...It could be nothing, but I am worried. I have been doing the whole positive
thinking thing, but I am scared outta my mind. Do me a favour? Send us some good vibes.

Biddie x

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers out there!
I have already been given the best gift ever, and I couldn't ask for anything more.
I hope that you all have a great day, too.
Biddie x

Blessings

Today was the funeral for my friend L's daughter. I was unable to attend, as it was out of town. The death of this child has me thinking about my own life and the many blessings that I have in my life.
I have three gorgeous girls, and I know where they are and what they are doing (for the most part. No mom knows EVERYTHING).
Jessica is healthy and gaining weight, she looks incredible, and is nearly as tall as me. She has not been in the hospital in over a year (yay!) for anything other than check ups.
Our rent is paid, IN FULL. We paid off every red cent that we owed, and it feels great! We manage to pay our rent every month, on time. Whoo hoo! There was a time when that was a huge struggle for us.
Kayla is graduating from high school next month! She is going to her prom in a couple of weeks, and I am almost as excited as she is. Wait until you see the photos!
My relationship with Shawn's family has vastly improved since his sister passed away. I think that Mary would be delighted to know that we are all spending time together again. Shawn and I spend an afternoon here or there at his parents place, doing yard work, checking in on his mom, or just visiting. I like it :)
I have a wonderful circle of friends. I do. I am super close to my X mother in law, and my two - three - best friends have been there for me since I was a kid.
I am on my meds..This is huge, since it took me years to get funding and a good shrink to help me with my issues. (And there are issues!)
Then, there's Shawn. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs, to be sure, but we seem to have the kinks worked out. I have never known anyone that has challenged me, angered me, or loved me the way that he has. Yup, I love him.

Just in case you think that I am shooting sunshine out of my a$$, there are still problems. Like any other couple, we have stuff that could be better, or improved upon. I just realized that the good outweighs the bad and sometimes we have to be reminded of that.
Biddie x

Vanilla Pudding

The Vanilla pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.


As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'

& Faith

Last Wednesday my dear childhood friend, L, had a beautiful baby girl. This was a much wanted, highly anticipated second child for her and her husband.
April 29 should have been a joyous day, filled with laughter, love and tears of joy. Instead, April 29 will always be remembered as the day that Willow was born and died.

My heart is aching, breaking, filled with sadness. I don't know what to say to my friend, L, or how to comfort her.
Heck, I can't even deal with this in my head, make myself understand why this happened. This is where faith comes in, I suppose. Faith in our God, that everything happens for a reason, God works in mysterious ways, He has a plan for us and we have to be patient, blah, blah, blah.
It seems so unfair that a few short days ago I was holding a gorgeous, healthy new born baby while somewhere, a few short miles away, my friend and her family were mourning the loss of their precious gift.
It is so unfair. It's beyond tragic. I don't know how to make sense of it.
Right now, my faith is faltering.
I have no idea how L is going to ever recover. Since my faith is waning, maybe you all out there can pick up the slack for me a bit.
Please, think of L tonight and count your blessings.

Hope

Yesterday was a day of conflicting emotions. It was a roller coaster - I found myself elated, angry, feeling helpless, and sobbing into a Kleenex within hours.





The best therapy for a day like that? This little guy right here. This is our newest nephew, Ryder. Within seconds of holding him, I was intoxicated, and in love beyond belief.

There is nothing like the promise of new life to chase the blues away.

Yes, I Truly AM A Geek

The guest list for this years Sci Fi Con has just been announced. I have no idea who will be there for the Horror Expo yet, but based on the guest list so far, it is going to be amazing!

Um, excuse me? Billy Dee Williams? OMG!

Ok, deep breath.....I am counting down the days until August already!

I have had some emails letting me know that my comments aren't always showing up. I don't know why, maybe it is just a blogger glitch.

I don't feel very much like blogging these days, anyway. My family is going through some crap (there is really no other way to say it, it's just plain craptastic) and until we are all a happy family unit, my heart won't be in it.

Biddie x

What A Week

I am more than thrilled to be starting a new week and leaving the last one in the dust! Whew! It seemed to go on and on and on....

Kayla and I went shopping for prom dresses and we actually found one in the 1st store that we went to! Well, to be completely honest, she has already been out looking with KC, but this was our 1st trip out. The dress is gorgeous, and of course Kayla looks incredible. And why not? Shopping with Kayla is like playing Barbies. She is tiny and beautiful and looks great in nearly everything. The best part was that the dress was in our price range and it needs almost zero tweaking to make it perfect for her.
I spent an insane amount of time crying. I logged in 8 hours on Thursday. Eight freaking hours. I just could not stop...Or, I would stop, only to start again over something silly (like not being able to find any of my journals) and then it was like a faucet had been turned on. Gah. I hate that. I sit in my room, and think crazy thoughts. What if`s and the like. I seldom do anything drastic anymore - I used to cut myself. It was a way to focus the pain, to make the pain make sense. I mean, of course, a cut up arm is going to sting and bleed, and I understand why. My heart, on the other hand is a complete mystery. I can`t put polysporin on that sucker to make it heal.
Thank goodness I am not a drinker. I don`t do drugs, either, although I do admit to taking an anti anxiety that KC gave me when we were on our way to Harrow. It didn`t help much, but at least it gave me a reprieve from the sobbing.

Bumble left on Friday. He is with KC, at Spencer's house. Most people are shocked when I tell them that KC really doesn`t live here anymore. She lives at Spencer`s house. It happened so slowly that we were all surprised when it finally dawned on us that she had moved out. She just spent less and less time here. I still see her most days, because she comes home after school.
Anywhoo, I miss the little jerk. Oh, Bumble, not KC, lol, although I miss her too :) Now that we have three dogs of our own, we decided that KC should spend more time with her boy, and give us all a bit of a break from Bum. He is high energy, silly and gets the pups all worked up until I have three dogs doing laps up and down my stairs. (Ruby rarely joins in. She mostly keeps busy with her toys, she is far too lady like to be running amuck).
He will be back, and he will be here for most of the week, but I still miss him crazy-like. He is my shadow and follows me everywhere. He gets up early with Shawn and they watch the news together.

Shawn and I went to see Monsters Vs Aliens on the weekend. In 3D. I laughed my butt off and that is exactly what I needed. Shawn looked hilarious in those horn rimmed glasses and that

alone was worth the admission. The movie was great, but more importantly, we had some alone time. I think that we both really, really, needed it.

Oh, Cody got a job, too. He gave us some money out of his first pay, without even being asked. He is a good kid, I just wish that his mom could see that.

That`s all I`m gonna say about that.

So, the week is starting anew and we have much to look forward to. Ruby Tuesday turns 3 on Tuesday. That means a new squeaker toy and some treats. It also means that I might get talked into baking a cake. Kayla loves cake and will use just about any occasion as a reason to eat one.

The kids have a holiday on Friday, which means that I just may be able to talk Jessica into watching some more episodes of Dexter with me.

Oh, and the best part of the up coming week? Shawn has promised to finally get some repairs done around the house. The door that he installed last June (yes, you read that right..JUNE) still needs some trim and never mind the kitchen. I have a whole weeks worth of work in there for him.

Well, on that note, I better get moving. I still have laundry to fold and it`s getting late. When will I ever learn to start it in the morning instead of midnight???

Better-ish

Today is better..Somewhat.

There is no one thing that has made me feel this way. Oh sure, there are money problems, and relationship issues, and all of the everyday stuff that gets you down.

I just can't seem to shake the doom and gloom that is a constant companion of mine.

I know that it will get better...I just have to keep telling myself that.

I can't remember the last time that I felt this hopeless. I just can't think of anything else to say.
It's that bad.