I just haven't felt like blogging recently. A couple of years ago it was a huge part of my life. While I still have the wonderful friends that I found through my blog, I don't share my daily goings on.
My depression has been deep and dark, for reasons known only to my misfiring brain. I do have some weighty issues on my mind, but that in itself is not the problem.
I find myself laying (lying??) awake at night, obsessing about so many different things. My heart is heavy at the thought that Kayla's childhood is gone. At 19 it was anyway, but this makes everything so final. It feels too soon, too fast, too much. Not the baby itself, but the way in which time passes.
On the other hand, I am rejoicing at the arrival of my grandson, who will be here in less then two months! I see little boys in strollers and my heart sings, knowing that soon enough I will have a wee little boy to hold and love.
Many of my days this past month or so have been spent in my room, on my bed. Not sleeping, but not not sleeping.
I am enjoying a healthier relationship with my Mum that ever before. I still watch what I say - I want to believe that this is all real, but I am cautious. I do love her, and now I can tell her that.
My sister in law is coming for a much anticipated visit. This gives me the kick in the ass that I need to get the house in order. Plus, she is just about the sweetest person that I know.
Ok, just babbling now. I had to write, just write something. For the first time in years I can actually read a book. Is that a side effect of sleeplessness and all of my morose moods?
If it is, then that is one less thing to complain about.

Biddie

What would YOU do for love?

What would you do for love? Would you search 22 years for a sister that you had never met but loved just the same? Would you travel a thousand miles to be with her if she phoned you, crying, because she wanted to see you one more time before she died?
Would you fight off the panic, the anxiety, the terrror that you feel just thinking about getting on a plane and flying to another country, and actually do it?
Would you give your sister, a part of you? A lung, liver, anything that she needed to see her next birthday?

Maybe, just maybe, this is why we found each other. Maybe, just maybe, I was born to do this.

All I know is, I have to try.
I love my sister too much not to.

Bi My Sci Fi Con

The main reason for our trip this year was this guy, James Marsters. You know, Spike from BTVS. We had a couple of sightings, but, we never actually got to meet him.

Any of you 'Supernatural' fans out there?? Well, here it is, Dean's car. Sadly, there was no Dean, and no Sam. Now this guy made my day. Ernest Borgnine. He is 93. Can you believe that sh*t? He was in the original Posiedon, Marty, Airwolf, and the younger fans might know him from Sponge Bob. He is the voice of MerMan. He was a true gentleman, and I was honoured to have met him.

This is a bit blurry cuz we were on the move, but that is Darth Vader using the ATM.

Kayla got to meet Adam West. We did get an autographed photo, but his security guard wasn't letting anyone with a camera near him. Surprisingly, I was not tongue tied and I did not freak out. I have loved Adam West my whole life. My brother and I actually broke a floor model tv playing "Batman and Robin" when we were kids.

Good times, good times.

No word yet on who will be there next year. Not that it relly matters, I am sure that we will once again line up two blocks away, fight our way through the crowds, pay too much for food and have the time of our lives.

Glynne Gladstone.
Friend, confidante, laywer, and history maker.
You will be missed.

Baby Feet

It's Like This

Just a few random thoughts that are fluttering about in my head -

You have to be FATHER before you can be a GRANDfather. Think about it.

Some people are real bozo's when they booze. Put the beer/rum/vodka/whiskey DOWN and drink some water. You might like it.

Taking someone out to supper or making them a table in arts n crafts does NOT make up for years of neglect and/or abuse.

I have the best and coolest friends in the world.

Forgiveness can be a difficult and loong process. I am still working on it.

I may not be married in the conventional way - church-preacher-signed on the dotted line way, but I feel more married to Shawn than I ever did to Rudi or Geoff.

I hate, I mean HATE that I have all sorts of 'issues' that run my life.

I am so tired of explaining to people why I don't have a job. If it were your business, you would know and there would be no reason to ask.

My father has been gone for 11 years and I still dream about him almost every night.

My head is more cluttered than my house.

My blog buddies know me better than most of the people that are related to me, and I am ok with that.

I saw my shrink today. It was a good visit - he gave me a whole 3 minutes or of his complete and undivided attention, before turning to his computer monitor and watching a video on YouTube.
I also had an interesting phone call this evening. A friend/family member that I have not heard from in quite some time called me out of the blue. This person and I were once very close, but metal illness (hers), divorce (mine) and physical distance all took its tool on our friendship.
She has been homeless at times, in care at others, and just plain lost. Mental illness messed her up but good....
When she called today she told me that she has a good relationship with her daughters, holds down a job at Wal-Mart, and was incredibly lucid and focused on the phone.
Or, so I thought....She went on to tell me about a Christmas with her family a few years back and that she made the dress herself.
Wonderful! Except for one thing.
It was a wedding dress...
I am not poking fun at her. I am honestly not. I just feel so awful for her and I am thanking my lucky stars that I am bi polar, and not suffering from a worse , more debilitating illness.
Jessica and I were at the ER twice in two days this week. She had an infection that spiked her blood sugar and made her feel all around just miserable. We got some anti biotics and headed off for home. The 2nd night, it a new problem, a new pain, and x rays.
It looks as though everything will be ok and the pain is temporary.
Thank goodness. I really didn't her to spend her last two weeks of vacay in the hospital.
Speaking of vacay - Two more weeks and us girls are off to the FAN EXPO!
William Shatner, Adam West, Burt Ward, James Marsters, AND the original Bat mobile from the TV series will be there.
I am one happy geek!
I know that I have been neglecting my blog buddies, and I promise to make my rounds in the next few days.
I have to see what you all have been doing!

One of the many things that I hate about being bi polar - Sitting up at 4:26 am because my brain simply refuses to shut down for even a few moments.
Nothing like racing thoughts in the wee hours of the morning.
Bah.

Boy OH Boy!

Well, the ultrasound was on Wednesday and we found out that Kayla is having a BOY!
I am one happy Nanie-to-be :)

Once again I have neglected my blog. I just don't seem to have the drive to do much of anything these days. I am taking my meds and I see my shrink next month, but I am on a down swing, I guess.
Down swing or not, I hauled my butt out of bed at 6 am on Friday morning to go babysitting with Kayla. We weren't paid in cash, but traded a baby mattress for our work. It was worth it. We babysat a 2 1/2 year old energetic little boy. Did I say energetic? That would be an understatement to say the least.
Oh, did I also mention the rather large dog that was part of the arrangement? She was rather big - not heavy, but about 2 inches taller than Kayla while standing on her hind legs. Did I also mention that she was so protective of the boy that we could barely get in and out of his room? Even sharing my breakfast muffin only earned me about thismuch trust.
I had forgotten how your (my) body feels after lifting, running, and playing with a 2 year old for 6 hours.
My day was far from over after the day care portion. Oh no, KC and I had errands to run which can take hours when you are going by bus and foot power. Since our errands took us to the pharmacy directly across from Toys R Us, I had to stop in. With KC as an Auntie this baby will want for nothing, I can tell you that much.
Speaking of the baby, we will find in just a few more days if I will have a grand daughter or grandson. I am hoping for a girl, partly because will be named after my Nanie, the one that helped to raise me, my Dad's mom.
It doesn't matter either way. A boy will be loved just as much.

There is so much happening right now, aside from becoming a grandma. Shawn's health issues have not gotten any better, they are actually worse than ever. The pain treatments are living up to their name - it hurts like hell. He is not feeling any relief and we are struggling to make ends meet, never mind paying for these treatments that are so far doing nothing. Worse than nothing, really.
I am trying to stay positive, I honestly am. I just feel constantly overwhelmed and it seems as though my chest pain is always there, nagging and consistent.
The good news is that Kayla is doing well. She looks wonderful, and the baby is fine. KC is going to Nova Scotia at the end of the month for a week to visit my brother. I wish that I were going too, but this is the next best thing. Jessica got her report card and she not only passed everything, but she actually did quite well. I am so proud of her.

I know that there have been worse things happen to me - to my friends and family - but right now I can't deal. I am doing my best to look at what I have instead of what I don't, but it is becoming more difficult everyday.

Today, I finally heard the baby's heartbeat.
It is so real now, and I am so in love with this little person that I haven't even met yet.
There will be another ultrsound on the 21 st and that will tell us if we are having a boy or a girl...Either way, I am love struck.

Did Ya Miss Me?

Hell, yes! It has been 15 years since I last saw The Forgotten Rebels. The last time I went, I was almost 26, I had a year old baby at home, and KC was disappointed that she couldn't go with me. Yup that's my lil punk rock girl. She grew up listening to Adam Ant, Billy Idol, Stray Cats and The Forgotten Rebels.
How serendipitous was it that The Rebels just happened to be in K-Town on my 40+1 birthday? I was finally able to keep a loong ago promise to my first born.
We saw The Forgotten Rebels and they kicked ass! Speaking of kicking, how do like my new kicks? They were a birthday gift from KC along with the Rebels night out, and a ton of other things...New clothes, a night out at the movies....I was most definitely spoiled. Not like I am complaining :)

Lookie here. Another dream of KC's - she met the band members and had a photo op. Not such a big deal for me. I met them years ago when my brother was still in the punk scene,

That sweaty guy in the middle is Mickey DeSadest has been doing lead vocals since 1977. I tell ya, he still has it.

I LOVE this photo. It's perfect.

Of course, I can't go to a punk event without running into someone that remembers me, or more likely my brother. He was a real mover and shaker back in the day.

Here is KC standing between a very happy looking Dan and the Bass player, Shawn. Security no match for our womenly wiles. Just saying.

Lookit my girl. She blows my mind. So beautiful, so much fun.

My birthday was great. Kayla and Cody gave me gorgeous roses, and gift card for the movies. Shawn took me to get my hair done, I had a wild night out, my brother called, and my Mum called.

40+1 is off to a great start!

Father's Day was interesting. Shawn loved all of his gifts, especially the 'Dad' coffee mug from Kayla and Jess and the 'Daddy's Girl' photo frame from KC. Or maybe he liked the new weed wacker best? I don't know..I think that the best part of the day was after the festivities were over.
Kayla and Cody left and about two hours later she phoned and asked if we were still up. She had forgotten something and she wanted to come back and get it. This was approx two hours after we had last seen her. She came back and she was showing. I mean, not the teeny little baby belly that has been sporting, but the baby popped out and she looks like a mom-to-be now.
Amazing.
KC took me to the movies on the 18th for an early birthday gift. Heidi came along and we saw The A-Team. I have been soo stoked to see it. I am sad to say, the movie was a disappointment. Oh, don't get me wrong, it was non stop action and it had me laughing out loud at times. The problem, as a fan of the original series, was, Murdoch.
The actor that played him was great, I just didn't but him as 'Howling Mad.'
Bradley Cooper, however, is a different story. He is just pretty enough to pull off Face. He's no Robert Downey Jr, but he is a cutie.
Liam Neeson as Hannibal, the character that George Peppard perfected? Not so much. I adored him in Taken, where he single handedly took on half of Paris to rescue his daughter. George Peppard worked with Audrey Hepburn, and then later went on to do the The A-Team. What kind of range is that?
Now B.A. I liked. He was just likable enough, not the one syllable spouting, chain wearing tough guy that Mr.T portrayed.
The next movie on my list is Toy Story 3.

My fourth blogiversary was on the 16th. Four years that have flown by as I have shared my life with friends around the world. I feel so blessed to have 'met' you all, and truthfully, I have Heidi to thank for it. She introduced to the wide world of blogging and I haven't looked back since.
Here's hoping for another fab four years!

Happy Dad's Day

Happy Father's Day to all of the Dad's and Dad's to be out there!

This year is an extra cause for celebration because Shawn is going to be a grandfather, Cody is about to be a dad and I am once again speaking to my mom and step dad.

To honour the dad's in our family, we are heading over to the folks house for a bbq. Of course Shawn's dad will be there, but his cousin Atti from Hungary is here for a visit as well. We (the girls and I) have never met him, Shawn hasn't seen him since the 90's. I am nervous, but this should be fun.

My own Dad is not here - he passed away almost 11 years ago. I miss him, so, so, much, but I know that he is in a better place. No more pain, no struggles...

I choose to celebrate the fact that he was a womderful Dad, my best friend.

I hope that you all have a wonderful Father's Day. You deserve it.

New Look

I pressed one too many buttons and my blog looks like this now. I think that it`s cute, but it took over an hour to find a lay out didn`t have words overlapping each other. Ugh.

Speaking of new looks, you know that it`s time to change your hair `style`when you start to look like Lou Feriggno as The Incredible Hulk.

Just sayin.

I just got off of the phone with my Mum..I love saying that :) Things are going well, phone calls, emails,. and a possible visit with my step father in the next week or so. He is coming to Ontario to go on a fishing trip with an old friend.

Mum can't make it due to work obligations. She wants Jessica and I to visit this summer, but I don't know if we will be able to swing that financially. I would LOVE to go home for a visit, but I doubt that it will happen. Like I say every year, maybe next summer. The sci fi con is the last weekend in August and I don't want to miss that - Burt Ward and Adam West will be there and I already (almost) too excited to sleep.

KC, Kayla and I hit the movie theatre twice this past weekend. We saw Splice on Friday and then on Saturday night we went to see Sex and The City 2 with four of Shawn's sisters. We went out for drinks after (Kayla and I each had a Shirley Temple) and despite my misgivings I had a good time. I still don't know Shawn's oldest sister very well, and she makes a bit nervous, to be honest. Karin is close to my Mum's age, so she and Shawn weren't really raised together. In fact, he was about 7 before he knew that she was his sister. Lol. He thought that Karin was his moms sister.

The movie was better than expected and we all had fun. Shawn's sister Janet drove us home and she cracked us up with stories about when Shawn was younger. Janet is Ryder's grandma so she is pretty darn excited that Kayla is having a baby. She can't wait to help with the baby shower. I have to say, I like this new family dynamic. My family and Shawn's family repairing the fractures and supporting each other..Happy day.

Shawn went for his first pain management treatment. He got four needles - one in his lower back, two on his upper back and one on his inner thigh. I don't know much about much, but so far, it has only made the pain worse. He will need about 10 treatments before we know if it actually work for him, and that translates into about $300. That's a lot of money for something that may not work. I wish that I knew more about this whole process. The doctor has not been very forthcoming with the info. Infact, I would venture to say that this doc is a jerk. He gave Shawn one Rx for pain that we cannot afford - it is over $150 a month and it isn't covered. He called our inability to pay a 'social problem' and not his problem. That is only prescription that he will give us.

I just hope that this does work, cuz Shawn is suffering and he wants to be back on his feet.

The puppies are gone. Buddy came to get them a week after he promised to pick them up. I am biting my tongue over this whole thing...I feel taken adavantage of and it's best of I do stay silent. Nothing good will come of me sounding off on this guy when I still feel the way that I do.

So....that's all of the news, I guess. I am hoping to make it to the theatre again this upcoming week to see The A-Team. I don't need to tell you all how I feel about that, do I?

Yesterday, my facebook status read something like this 'Do I have a kick me sign on my back?'
It was one of those days, ya know?
I got my cable bill and it had a staggering $200+ dollars in pay per view charges. Not just pay per view, but pay per view porn.
It would be funny as hell if weren't so freaking expensive.
My On Demand choice is almost always the free stuff - catching up on Glee, or Criminal Minds, with the odd documentary (Car For A Dollar) or 80's flick like Krush Groove. The lay out of our very small house is not exactly conducive to any kind of privacy, never mind the kind that you would need to watch some kind of nudity and actually enjoy it. I mean, that is the point, right?
As it turns out, our neighbours were able to steal our signal for over six weeks. (Now that I think about it, they did stay in a lot..Hmm) I didn't ask for any of the titles of the movies (the first rep that I spoke to was too embarrassed to read them) It really didn't matter, I know that the charges are not mine. Or Shawn's, or anyone else's in this house. If they had been my charges, I would have just paid them. I would have been too humiliated to argue....
Anyway, after being called a perv by the second rep that I spoke to, I was able to get the bill knocked down by $130 - which still leaves me out of pocket by the same amount.
We are puppy sitting this week, too. We had 4 gorgeous, tumbling, jumping, chewing, braying pups that are poop machines. Kayla's favourite went to her forever home last night. The other three (Kayla calls them brown boy, black boy, and Fun Puppy) are still here.
Why?
Well, that's a good question. The guy that dropped them off is MIA. Kidnapped? Drafted? Incarcerated? Lost?
I have no idea. Nobody has seen him in days and meanwhile I have three poop monsters crawling all over my floors.
I am at a loss. I love dogs, but I already have a whole pack of my own..
WHEN will I learn to just say no to people???

******************************************************************************************************
My Mum and I have spoken on a the phone a few more times and have exchanged lots of emails. (She lives in another province, so we won't be seeing each other any time soon).
I have been reflecting on the past and all of the years that we lost. I wish that I had a magic wand and I could do all of it over. I would call her on Mothers Day, even if I were angry. I would take back all of the awful, hateful words that I have spewed angrily at her. The hurt, the pain, it would all be gone.
I can't do that. There is nothing that any of us can do to change the past, so I am looking toward the future. I am putting my energy into being a good mom, wife, grandmother, daughter....
This tiny baby has changed so much for me, for my family.
I am so thankful. Kayla has given my Mum and I a chance to start again.
I never dreamed that I could have this bond with my mother.

This is what had held my attention for the past few weeks. This teeny, tiny, incredible human being that less than 4 months ago was non existent. I mean think about it..There was no human, and there is - or will be - in five or six months.
In a few short months, I Biddie, will be a grandmother. Well, a Nanie, to be more precise.
Best Mothers Day gift, ever? Kayla telling me that she was giving me my first ever grandchild.
I seriously stoked. I can't wait until they place this little person in my arms and let me hold him(?). It feels like a million years away, yet I know that the days will fly by and he will be here before we know it.

Kristy and Jessica are over the moon. Kristy and I have already brought home bags and bags of baby clothes, socks, receiving blankets...Yet there is still so much more that we will need. I plan on being the number one babysitter so that Kayla can go back to work as soon as she is ready.
As for Kayla......She is scared. I mean, it IS scary, bringing a new life into the world and being responsible for that life for at least the next 18 years. It is also wonderful, and rewarding, and the best job that you will ever have.
I know that Kayla will be a wonderful mom, I just hope that I don't disappoint as a Nanie.

The other bit of news that has my head spinning? I got a phone call from my Mum, Betty, two nights ago. I had left a message on her answering machine, letting her know that she is going to be great Nanie. I thought that even if we weren't speaking, she still deserved to hear it from me, not second hand, or as a stream on facebook.
It was awkward at first, and there were many silences that broke our conversation up into nervous chit chat. Still, we spoke. To each other. Kindly, and with respect.
Then, before we hung up, she apologized. To me. For all of it..All of the wasted years, the sadness, the hurt. The best part?
I heard something that I have not heard since..well, I actually don't know how long it has been since she said those words to me.
I LOVE YOU.

Can life get any better???

I seem to have disapeared again..Sorry. There is lots going on and soon I will be able to talk more about it. I promise.
I am just trying to wrap my head around some stuff right now.
I finally saw Iron Man 2. RDJ did not disappoint, and I am love with him all over again. KC and I spent most of the weekend together and we had soo much fun. We went shopping on Saturday and completely blew our budget, but I think that it was worth it. It has been oh so long since we have had that much fun.
Ok, it is getting late and tomorrow is going to be a crazy day. Big news soon, my friends, I promise!

I just had to post this photo of my wee nephew, Ryder. I am so in love with this little guy.....