Falling Apart

 It's All Hallows Eve, and for the 1st time in years, we're live in a neighborhood full of kids. We're just down the street from a school, so we're expecting lots of trick or treaters. 

 I'm feeling low today. I miss my Landon and Lennox. I can't tell you how much. The losses of my Sunshine and Squish is like losing part of myself. Landon will be 16 in less than 2 months. I haven't seen him since he was 7. Lennox was 2. He's 10 now. 

 I realized today, thinking about my wee boys, that my Mum never took me trick or treating. Not once. My heart hurts in so many ways. My Mum wasn't a good Mom to me. This is a statement of fact, not an opinion. She didn't go to school functions. She didn't pay support, or contribute to our (my brother and I) expenses. She took me out for shoes, once, and clothes shopping, once. Then I, as a child, never heard the end of it. I didn't have a room at her house, even though there was a room. I was told in no uncertain terms, that it was the SPARE room, not mine. She could have just given me that, you know? 

 It's been hard listening to her God daughter talk about how wonderful my Mum was. GD got the relationship that I should have had. GD is absolutely amazing. She has done so much for my parents. 

 I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. I will never get the relationship I should have had with my mother. I have missed so much time with my grands (2 have come along since Lennox). And? I miss my Bruno so much. Everything else could fall apart, but Bruno was always there.