Cupcakes, Indy and Laughter

I had a quiet birthday yesterday...KC cooked dinner and cleaned up, and I literally did nothing. Not a thing.

It was wonderful.


I got lots of awesome gifts, but this is one of my favourites...KC bought me this because she knows that a) I am a huge Harrison Ford/Han Solo/Indiana Jones fan
and
b) I am a huge dork.

It's ok, I can live with that. I am happy as heck to be a dork. He will go on my toy shelf next to my V action figure. I'm not sure how Indy feels about sharing shelf space with a lizard, but whatever. Kayla has her Sid Vicious action figure up on the shelf, too.

KC made me a cupcake cake. How cool is that? She spent a couple of hours baking decorating and cleaning. She made a wicked good pot roast, too.

Without complaining. That was the best part.

I had two phone calls last night. The first came from TMOC in Halifax. We talked for over an hour and laughed like little kids. He is one of the few people I know that shares my love of toys and action figures. Last year, for his birthday, I bought him a vintage G.I. Joe army vehicle. He squealed like a five year old meeting Santa for the first time. I swear, his hands were shaking when he pulled it out of the box.

This year, for my birthday, he sent me a Brady Bunch birthday card. How well does he know his little sister?

Then, just as I felt that my ear would fall off from all of the talking, my sister, Lucky called. She lives in Colorado, and we never get to see each other. As a matter of fact, we have only seen each other twice. I miss her like nobodies business. Of course, there was more laughter, and by the end of the night, my sides hurt from all of the laughing.

I haven't laughed that hard in....Well, for as long as I can remember. It was just what I needed. Laughter really IS good for the soul.
So are great friends and family.

The fun doesn't end there. Jethro and Heidi will be by in a week or so, and we will laugh again, and celebrate three birthdays. ( I suck so much that I haven't even mailed out The Girls gift, and she turned 14 at the end of May). Then, there is Bucky's birthday, in early July. Might as well do it all at once.

I wonder how big that cake will be?????

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. My friends rock.

Oh, and Heather? If I am 29, that makes you 28. :)

Mom's Birthday!

It's me KC, I broke into my mom's blogger account to show you a wicked cool picture of the cake I made her. It's a cake of cupcakes. I am actually impressed that I made that many cupcakes without burning them. Anyways, I won't make you wait anymore. Here are some pictures.

I'm sure my mom will fill you in on the rest of her day today, oh and don't forget she turned 29.

No More Monkey Suits For Another Year

Did everyone see that photo of my baby and Shawn? I am always in awe of Jessica's beauty. She takes my breath away.

And Shawn? Now you know why I can't keep my hands to myself!

Well, the graduations are done until next year, when it is Kayla's turn. Thank goodness. I cried like a baby at Jessica's. Held it in - almost at Kristy's. Another one would do me in. I need a year off.

It has been a bad week. I mean, the graduations were great. I have been a nightmare the past few days though. I know it. My mood swings are at an all time high. I haven't been this bad in ages. I feel like a shmuck. The girls, Shawn, and even the dogs have felt my wrath. I think that it may be time to discuss changing meds. I don't want my family to be afraid of me. Good Lord, the last thing that I want is for people to say things like...She is just like her mother - Hurricane Betty.

Think I am exaggerating? I'm not. Family members call her that. She blows in, makes a mess and blows out again.

Shudder.

KC and I did something today that made me more manic than depressed.

We got tickets to see New Kids On The Block in September.

Oh yes, we really did.

How exciting is that?

Couldn't you just pee you're so happy for me?

Know what the best part is? Shawn is coming with us. LOL. He made a promise to me that the next time that I went to a concert (cuz I am all the time rocking out to live music) he would go. He was probably hoping for Poison, or Judas Priest, or one of those school bands.

No such luck. September 18 th will mark our 7 th year together, too, so there is no way that he would bail on me.
I'll try not to swoon over Jordan Knight in front of Shawn. That would be bad form, especially on our anniversary :)

She's done grade school

Don't they look fabu?

Has anyone noticed that when Pepsi goes flat it tastes like pencil shavings?

Anyone?

Happy Fathers Day

I have had many Fathers Days without my Dad. It never seems to get any easier for me. He passed away in 1999 after living with a terminal illness for 10 years. He outlived the doctors dire diagnoses and expectations by 4+ years.

That was just him. Stubborn all the way. He got that from the Steeves side of the family. His Dad (passed away some 5 years ago ) and sister are the same way.

Thankfully, the stubborn streak skipped me and went straight to my kids. (Ahem, cough cough, Kayla)

My Dad wasn't just a Dad. He was a single Dad back in the days when only widowers raised their children. He was the first father in our region to win custody of his kids. Not that it matters much, but my brother had a different bio Dad (also one hell of a great man. I miss him almost as much as I miss my Dad). My Dad got custody of a kid that biologically wasn't even his. Unheard of 35 years ago.

We lived like 3 bachelors in many ways. My Dad was a great cook, but being the only parent in the house, he worked full time. He was security at concerts, he ran a hobby shop, he had his own towing business, and finally, he sold tombstones. (crap, I mean memorials. He always corrected me when I said that)

He took us to the drive in - I remember seeing Star Wars there. (It was where Toys R Us is now, Gabriel) and came to all of our school events. I can recall one time, when I was about 7, and I was in a Brownie troop. We were having a Mothers Day tea, and we made hats out of paper plates and tissue paper flowers. I waited and waited to hear from my Mum that she was coming. Of course, she didn't. So, my Dad filled in for her, as he always did. He proudly wore his paper bonnet and squished himself into the little chair. He was the only man there.

My Dad wasn't only a good Dad, he was a great son to my Nannie, and even to Betty's mom after they were divorced. He did everything for his mom, even though they had a strained relationship. You see, my Dad was raised in an orphanage, from the time he was 5 until he was 16. My grandparents divorced in 1939, and being a divorced woman was considered shameful. My Nannie had no help from her family, and it was impossible to keep my Dad while she worked full time. It just did not happen back then. They saw each other most weekends, but my Dad didn't come home again until he was 16. Still, he loved his mom.

When I was 10, my Dad met a woman who worked at Sears. He bought a watch battery from her, and they made a date. One date turned into another and another, and before I knew it, I had two new brothers and a sister. We moved out to Smallburg, and life would never be the same for me. There is alot that I can say about Mission Mary. You all know how I feel about her. She has not honoured my fathers wishes and has cut me out of the family, and the will. It is what it is. I will say this for her. When my Dad was sick - and I mean bedridden, and confused - she took wonderful care of him. My sister, Posh and my brother Mike, doted on him. Why not? He gave up alot to adopt them. He loved them, they loved him. ( I wish that I could say the same for my other brothers).

There are days when I STILL pick up the phone to call him. I hear a good joke and my first thought is - Dad would love this. When KC graduated from college, my mind was on my Dad and how proud he would be.

I miss him so much. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of him. Honestly. Every achievement that one of my girls has, every birthday, confirmation, graduation, is bitter sweet because my Dad should be here with us. I think of all of the things that have happened since he passed - a divorce, 4 babies born, two weddings, and all of the

family that we have since lost. I hate that he isn't here to share all of that with us. I hate that Jessica barely remembers him, and most of what she does remember is a man hooked up to an oxygen hose. I hate that he will never meet Shawn and that I can't tell him that I love him one more time.
Then, I remember that he was hooked up to that damn tank, for 4 years before he died. I see him, frail and breathless, in my memory, and I know that I am just being selfish.
In my heart he will always be Daddy. The man that raced stock cars, volunteered at the church,made the best BBQ ribs, and loved his kids. He will always be larger than life.
I miss you, Daddy, but I am glad that you are up there, somewhere, without that blasted hose, telling bad jokes with your Dad, your Mom (are they finally getting along?) your baby brother, and Lucky's Mom. He can breathe, and I believe that I will see him again someday. Until then, I love you, Daddy.


Happy Fathers Day, to my Dad and all of the other Dads out there.




John Joseph Steeves
January 15, 1934 - July 11, 1999

Yazoo - Nobody's diary

Sometimes, I worry that this is all I will ever be.

I have been either sleepy, or groggy the past few days and I have gotten very little done. Well, there was KC's graduation. I managed to get my arse out of bed for that.
It was almost the way that I had imagined, except that in my version, there would have been a huge cheering section made up of family and friends. We were told that each graduate could only have two guests, so we didn't even bring Kayla and Jessica. I wish that they could seen their big sister up there, walking across the stage with all of the pomp and circumstance.
It has been an interesting week, to say the least.
I found out that a family member had a baby...A baby that, because of the he-said-she-said game (and family politics) I will never get to hold. In all reality, I will only get to see her if we bump into each other on the street, like the strangers that we have become.
I am mourning the loss of another baby. There will be no firsts for this little one. I am heartbroken for my much loved family members that have lost something - someone - so precious.
I found a long lost love this week, too. Not that he was lost, really, but we lost touch right around the time that Shawn and I started dating. We dated off and on for a couple of years. It so tumultuous. We were either arguing and breaking up, or making up.
He asked me to marry him, finally, after Jessica was born. I turned him down, because I had to. I had to think of the girls.
My long lost love moved out west, leaving me here. It was a painful time, and I felt for years that I had made the wrong choice.
As it turns out, I did do the right thing. I have Shawn, who I love more than anyone, and he has a family of his own.
Still, I think of him from time to time...
We took Jessica to see the doc on Monday. Her AIC average over three months) has come waaay down, and she has gained another pound since she left the hospital. Small victories, but victories all the same. I am so glad that Shawn came to see the doc with us... Going to see the doctor now is like walking that long lonely walk to the gas chamber.
Well, maybe not like THAT, but definitely panic inducing. At least with Shawn there, I am not alone.
My biggest piss off about the whole thing? Jessica's doctor has a med student shadowing him. She seems nice enough, but I have never met her. After we discussed Jessica and her progress, Jessica's doctor asked me - in front of shadowing med student - about my mental health.
WTF?
I have no problem talking about my situation with the regular doc, but I am not going to discuss private matters with a stranger. Shawn and I left thrilled to bits about Jess, and fuming about the intrusion in our personal lives.
Sigh...
Other than that, I am sleeping, thinking of sleep, or waiting until I can go back to sleep. Lol. It;s okay though. This is just a phase.
That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

No Words Needed

I had an unexpected visitor today. Unfortunately, I missed her.
My blog buddy, Christine stopped by, with some plants for my garden. She had called yesterday, to ask of she could stop by today. Shawn took the call, I didn't even know that she called.

Yesterday was a rotten, awful, no good day. I seriously had an atomic panic attack when Shawn and I were out getting groceries. I sat on a curb by the grocery store, and cried for over an hour. I wish that I could say that was the worst of it, but sadly, it went downhill from there.

In all of the commotion, Shawn forgot that Christine called, and I pretty much went to bed when we got home. Today, I slept most of the day away, partly from my meds, partly from the shame and exhaustion of yesterday. When Christine showed up today, Shawn was taken by surprise, and didn't even invite her in.

I am soo sorry that I missed you, Christine! Thank you so much for the plants. You can't imagine how that gesture means to me, especially after yesterday. Please, come back again, and Shawn will bbq...

You're the best :)

Just Like Mom

Dunno why, but this made me think of Betty. At least I can laugh about it :)

Biddie Van Winkle

I started on my new dose of Seriquel last night. I am now taking 4x the amount that I was taking. It always knocks me on my ass when I start a higher dose..I woke up 11 am, fell asleep on the couch watching The Jeffersons, switched couches, fell asleep watching Sandford and Son, (noonish) and then I was up around 1 until 2:30. Went back to bed, got up at 4:09.

I have managed to stay awake since then. This will be the pattern for at least a few more days... I am so tired of being tired already. Somebody wake me up in time for KC's graduation this Wednesday, please?

My Name Is Bridget ALLEN

I sent away for a new birth certificate at the end of February. I paid an extra $10 for the 5 - 10 business days service.
It finally came - today. What is that? Four -ish months later?

Guess what? It had the WRONG name on it.

I am so mad, but who can I complain to?

I'm Baaack

I can't believe that I am finally here! I have been unable to comment, or write my own blog, or even check my email. I am still not sure what is going on, but Shawn found a way to get around the virus or whatever until we can find out what is happening.

There has been sooo much going here! Gah!

I have been to see Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull, and The Strangers. The Strangers was maybe not the best choice for us as we had someone try to break into our house about a week and a half ago. Scared the crap outta the kids, and kinda freaked me out, too. The dogs were barking non stop for about an hour before we finally figured out that someone was on our porch. I had gotten up about three times to look out the window and I saw nothing. I did hear some uber creepy whispering, but I couldn't decipher where it was coming from.

We could not get the dogs to shut up. It was Kayla that looked out the peep hole and saw a person shaking the door knob trying to get in. Shawn came to the door and screamed at her to leave, but she just kept trying to get in. She told us that she was Shawns girlfriend (oh really?) and then she was Scotts girlfriend. We threatened her, and she still wouldn't leave. Shawn opened the door and she actually tried to push her way past him.

Looking back on it now, I can chuckle a bit. Then? Not so much. She was obviously under the influence of something, and posed little threat to us, but I was afraid that she could have had a dirty needle on her. The good news is that the police were at our place within about 2 minutes of our calling.

The bad news? They didn't press charges because 'it's just Jackie'

I guess you can break in other peoples homes as long as you are drunk and or stoned.

All I know is, Jackie the Crackie had better not come backie.

Jessica is graduating from grade 8 on the 18th. The good news is that she is looking way healthier, and she feels great.

The bad news? She is a whopping 105 pounds and has outgrown her dress! I have no idea how on earth we will handle this....I hope that we get a surprise tax refund and I can buy her a new dress. I am just so thrilled that she is maintaining her weight!

We (read Shawn) have started on our home improvement project. He got a beautiful glass panel door for our front hallway, and my Aunt and Uncle gave me some paint - the same colour that we were looking at! We have some half inch thick real Italian marble floor tiles for the hallway that is stuck in a 70's time warp. The best of this? Everything is free! The door came from a job site - the homeowner was going to throw it in the garbage, and the tiles are leftover from another job site. I can't believe my luck.

Things have been ok on the work front. I am a bit frustrated because Shawn took two 'new' workers and they have slowed the projects down so much that Shawns pay has been cut by almost 2/3. I am not kidding. He starts a brand new project in the next day or two though,I doubt that he will much free time. Or money. I am already dreaming of ways to spend it :)

Ok, well, if everything goes as it should (knock on wood) I am back on line to stay! Give me a few days to catch up. The kids need to get caught up too, and the computer time will be limited for the next day or so. Jessica has over 100 emails that she has been able to read and will jumping for joy when she comes home and sees that we back on line!

Still here. We are having technical difficulties with our computer.
Back soon.

I know that I haven't been around much. I haven't been posting or commenting much, although I am still lurking a bit. Things have incredibly streesful and crazy around here, and I just seem to be in a funk.

A few days back, another of Shawns sisters was rushed to the hospital. She had two emergency transfusions, and we waited for tests to be done. Of course, we all imagined the worst. It turns out that Linda has an ulcer and is waaaay underweight. I think that she will be ok, but it scared the crap outta us. Shawns mom spent mothers day without one daughter and with another in the hospital.

I must admit, we had a great time at Shawns parents house on Sunday, though. Honestly, we had so much fun. This was the first family event that we have been at in ...... four years? Maybe longer. I laughed my ass off, and even the girls all had a good time.

Yesterday, I found out that one of my Dads cousins passed away last week. She was my Dads favourite cousin, and her parents were good to him when he was living in the orphanage for 10+ years. She was only 57, and I hadn't spoken to her in some time. The day before I found out, I had been talking with Kayla about her, and was planning on calling her. I feel awful. I wish that I hadn't lost contact with so many important people.

I am struggling with my depression more now than I have in a long time. I have been in contact with a social worker that is going to come right to my house. She will help me to deal with my shrink, and make sure that the next time I see him, I am actually heard. These 5 minute in-and-out visits only stress me out more. I think that this will help - big time.

So, that's all that has been happening with me. Still here, still kicking and still lurking. I will be back to my normal obnoxious self soon, I'm sure.
Biddie

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. 'What the Heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust'
cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker:....

'It's not talcum powder......

It's 'Miracle Grow'.'

Mental Illness and ME, A Post By Biddie

http://bigdustydude.blogspot.com/2008/03/mental-ilness-and-me-guest-post-by.html

This is a guest post that I did over at Shawns place. I needed to vent, but I wasn't ready to share my thoughts with the masses. It has been a few weeks now, and I reposting it. Just skip over it if you have already read it.

Am I The Only One That Finds This A Little Creepy?

We just got home. Sigh. We are all so tired. Thanks for thinking of us, I will write more later.

Biddie xx

Ok, I will be super quick, because it is almost midnight and I am trying to get stuff done.....I will be at the hospital for about 13 hours tomorrow, and I won't have time to write.

Not much change today. Jessica has a new monitor, new pen needles, and a new insulin regime. They will be checking her kidneys this time around, too. That is really all I know.

She is ok, just bored and lonely. I stay with her as long as I can, but, as she keeps reminding me, I am boring. We have been playing Wii, watching tv, walking the halls and playing board games. There isn't much else to do. I hope that her kidnesys are fine and we can take her home soon.

Thanks for praying and thinking of us.

Biddie xx

Jessica is sick again. She will be in the hospital about week her doctor thinks.

I just don't knowwhat else to say.

Advertising Gala

Photos from the gala. Shawn and KC. He looks angry, but he really isn't. This was about 5 minutes before he headed home for the evening. He was siiiick.
The three of us. I am not real happy with how I look, but Shawn and KC? Gorgeous.

KC and Spencer

Our fabulous table setting.
KC and Spencer again. I love this photo. And that dress? How beautiful is my daughter?
KC and Gramma. We wouldn't dream of celebrating something this big without Gramma. She rocks.

Mom and KC. Once again, I am not thrilled with the way that I look, but my kid? Amazing.

Oh, and did you notice my hair? Yes, I did get it cut and coloured, thank you. Kayla and I coloured it about three hours before I left for the gala. It is a deep burgundy, the closest that I have come to a wild colour since before I had my kids. I LOVE it.

I wore my tired and true dress. I am getting so sick of seeing myself in it. Honestly everytime we go to an event, I am in that damn dress.

I just can't believe that she is finished. It seems like just yesterday I was walking to to kindergarten class.

Sigh..............................................

I got some awards a couple of weeks ago. I did notice them, I was just busy dealing with the fallout from losing a family member. I have not forgotten, and I will take care of that asap.

We went to KC's semi formal last night. Shawn had to leave early, because he got soooo sick. I was bummed out about it, but what can you do? The night ended early anyway, because there must have been a cool house party going on somewhere. The DJ got paid for the whole night and left almost two hours early. Sweet deal for him.

KC looked fabu, and we had a really great time. I will post the photos when somebody that knows about these things comes home. I just figured out how to turn off my ipod, so don't expect any miracles here :)

Other than that, it is the same old same old.

Have a great weekend, everyone. See you on Monday.

Happy Birthday, Ruby Tuesday.

Today is Ruby Tuesdays second birthday. She is the 4 legged love of my life. She makes me get up even when I am tired or depressed, she makes me laugh, and she keeps me company when I too depressed to function. She just simply stays with me. I can't imagine life without her.

This week is KC's semi formal dinner to celebrate her grduation from college. Yikes. I do NOT do dresses, and I am freaking out about my hair. I need a cut, pronto, but I also need to pay for the tickets to the event and pay for Jessicas grad photos. Yup, she is graduating from grade 8 this year. The pictures turned out great, and of course, they are way too expensive. With a kid as good looking as Jessica, I have to buy a pile of them.

Shawn is not a worry. He had to buy a new suit for the funeral (he was a pallbearer) and it looks delicious. Hubba hubba. I want him to wear it the next time that we have the house to ourselves.....:)

Maybe I'll post photos of the big event. Well, I will get Kayla or KC to post the post photos.

Well, it is another gorgeous day here in my part of Ontario, so I think that I will go soak up the sun like Ruby and Bumble are doing.

Later...............................................................................

What a week. I am still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened. Remember when I said that one of Shawns sisters told me that she wanted things to change? She really meant it. They all seem to mean it.

It has been nearly 7 years of Shawns family not accepting me, picking on my kids, and making life hell. There were some sisters that were nice enough...N, and her husband W have always been nice enough. I even took the girls swimming at her house one time. It was a long time ago, because Mission Mary came with us. It must be three or four years ago. His eldest sis, K, was nice enough to me. I always suspected that it was because of the baby gifts that I sent her new born grandkids. She is close to moms age (both of them) so we have very little in common. Then there is Alex. She even gave me a birthday gift one year.

The real problems were with the three that always hung out together - Mona, Linda and Janet. I barely knew Janet, but because she was so close to the other two, she hated me. Janet and Linda kids picked on my kids. I do mean picked on. Lindas daughter came close to getting suspeneded in grade 8 for all of the grief that she caused Kayla.
Linda and I used to be next door neighbours. She actually encouraged me to ask Shawn out all those years ago. I guess that she thought that we would hang out a bit and that would be it. She never expected us to last.

Mona and I used to live in the same townhouse complex. Her son played wwith KC and Kayla when they were little. I bent over backwards for her. She was a single mom, and I knew what that struggle was like. I loaned her my cell phone when her youngest was a baby b/c she couldn't get a home phone. We babysat, we loaned her movies, and responded to frantic phone calls when she was having troubles with her boyfriend. I think that Shawn has helped her move three times - since we have been together.

It didn't matter. They all still hated me. I was never really sure why. I hadn't been rude, or intentionally hurtful to anyone. They just didn't want to let me in from the get go.

Mona and Linda made life hell for all of us, and Janet just went along for the ride.

Linda was the first one that I saw a change in. When we saw her at the hospital on the first day that Mary was admitted, I saw her crying. I just pulled her in close for a hug. What the heck else could I do? No matter what was said or done, this was no time for petty bulls shit.

Janet was the next one to freak me out. She spent about ten minutes chatting me up at the funeral home. I have not spent ten minutes talking to her in the past 7 years combined. I made her laugh, and I hugged her. It was all I could do.

Shawns mom referred to me as his wife, and the girls as his kids. In fact, the only time that I saw her smile was when Jessica came to the funeral home and gave her a big hug.

On Friday, Shawn went to see how his mom was doing. She put him right to work in the garden. Mona was there, and when she had a quiet moment, she approached him in the yard.

Now, this is the part that would have knocked me over if I had not been sitting already.

She apologized to Shawn. She apologized for being mean, for all of the problems that she has caused and for making problems for us....

When KC and went shopping later that day, we ran into Janet, Mona and Janets youngest daughter, A. (She is close to KC's age).

Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by a loud and happy "HI" from all three of them. These are the same people that would normally ignore us, or worse yet, mutter under their breath about me as I passed.

It seems that they are all so impressed by the way that I have handled myself since all of this has begun. I have been thanked, time and time again for all of the support that I have shown the family. Dunno why. That is just what you do. No big thing. We also got many compliments about the girls and the way that they behaved throughout all of this.

I am in shock. Seriously. I am so happy, but at the same time, I am afraid that it will all end. I really and truly want Shawn and his siblings be close again. His mom has just suffered the worst loss that anyone can suffer, and she deserves better.

Shawn is working with his brother this week, and there has been progress there, too. It just seems too good to be true...After 7 years of crap, can this be real?

To all my friends that have offered me support through this terrible time -

Today we laid Mary to rest. It was incredibly difficult. I know that funerals usually are, but this was much worse that I could have ever imagined.

Wednesday was the visitation. Shawn had to work, so KC and I went to the afternoon session alone. It was like walking into the lions den for us. My anxiety is like a crushing weight on my shoulders for little things, like grocery shopping. You can imagine what it was like to be in that funeral home amongst people that were less than thrilled to see me. I was pleasantly surprised though. The sisters that I thought would be a problem were welcoming. I felt united in grief with Shawns family. In fact, one sister even said that she was tired of all of the arguing and estrangment. She wants to see a change. So do I. I just wonder if it is possible.

One good thing may have come from all of this. Shawn has reconnected with Marys two sons. There was no estrangement, just life getting in the way of family. I think that may change now. It's too late for Mary, but we still have her sons.

I am trying to cope with all of this. There have been so many changes in one short week. We are all still reeling.

A good thing happened for me, too. Bio-Bettys sister came to the funeral today, to support Shawn and I. I am not very close to her family, mostly because I was raised by my father and Bio Betty had very little involvement in my life. Today I feel like maybe a positive change has made in that family too.

Why does it always take something like this to bring people back together?

Mary passed away at 5pm today. I really can't believe that it has only been 4 1/2 hours....It seems like a lifetime since we were all in that crowded lounge, overflowing with family, waiting for everyone to say their goodbyes.

I can not believe the incredible pain that Shawns Mom is feeling right now. This week, she will bury her second child. How much can one woman take?

I have been struggling the past couple of days to come up with something to say here. I have so much stuff swirling around my big empty head. I just don't know where to start.

My relationship with Shawns family has been tumultuous to say the least. We have a lot of history. I knew two of his sisters long before I knew Shawn. I lived next door to one, and in the same complex as another. My girls played with his niece and nephew. My brothers knew Shawn many years ago, when they were all still single crazy bachelors. You would think then, that our transition from friends to family would be smooth.
Yeah, well, you might think that, but you would be wrong.

There was resentment from the very start. I am not going to go into all of the gruesome details. Some of his family might stumble across my blog, and I don't want to cause any more pain.

Now that this horrible tragedy has befallen the family, we are all thrust together in small rooms and long hallways. I am sharing space with people that I know don't want me anywhere near their sister.

I am at a loss. I am going to be there, at the hospital, holding Shawns hand, talking to Mary, consoling his Mom.

Shawn is trying to remain calm, focused, and stoic. He hasn't fallen apart yet, even though one of the people that he loves most in this world is suffering intolerably.

Ah. All I am doing now is rambling. I'm sorry. I just need to vent. This whole situation is so fucked up. I have watched people wail, cry and scream at the injustice of it all, and find a way to make this all about them. I can't stand it.

Mary doesn't deserve this. Her husband, her sons, they don't deserve this.

Ok, well, I Have to get back up to the hospital. Some of the family might not want me there, but I am staying right by Shawns side.

I Need Your Prayers

Please pray for Shawns sister. She is only 53 and has had a stroke. She has major damage to her brain and her heart. It looks bad. If she survives, she will most likely be in a vegetative state.
This is Shawns favourite sister. She is a wonderful person, kind, generous, and always laughing. We are heartbroken and I ask that all of my friends pray for her.
Thank you, my friends.

Happy Birthday to my wonderful, incredible, sister, Lucky.
I thank God every day that we found each other.
Love you, and miss you much.
Biddie xxx

Proud Mommy

I am sure that Jessica will be mortified, but what the heck. I'm her mom, and I have bragging rights!

For the 2nd month in a row, Jessica has won the
Student Achievement Award
For her Consistent effort and the great example that she sets for other students.

Did I mention that it was TWO months in a row?

The Most Amazing Dog!

It is Tuesday, and I still have my cable/phone/internet. Whoo Hoo! Shawn called and asked The Powers That Be if they can wait until Friday for a half payment and then we will pay the rest next week. Now that he is back to work, and our rent situation is worked out, I am feeling hopeful again. I think that I might even start putting money away every week for My Trip. I started a fund loong ago, to pay for me to go to see my sister, or back home, to Nova Scotia. I actually feel like anything is possible. Mind you, I am bi polar,and that can change by the minute :)

I nearly forgot that yesterday was 10 years since Jessica was diagnosed. I can still remember that moment like it was just yesterday. She was just a chubby cheeked little three year old then.

So much has changed except for the fact that she is STILL insulin dependant.

Also, April is Autism Awarness Month

Autism is a neurological disorder that often affects communication skills. Nationwide, cases of the developmental disability are skyrocketing.
If you don't already know someone with autism, chances are you will eventually. It's estimated that every 21 seconds a child who will have autism is born.

I just realized that I still had some awards to give out. My good friend Gabriel gave me this award some time ago. There are so many excellent blogs out there, it is always difficult to choose. I forget how many I am supposed to pick to recieve this award, I am just gonna award to as amny people as I want to. When have I ever followed the rules?

So, without further ado, I give this award to:

Why? - Well, why not? His blog really is excellent, even though he is a newbie here in blogland. Mind you, I have to live with him, and I will never hear the end of it...His head is already big enough....

Whimsicalbrainpan - Anyone that has ever read her blog knows how excellent it really is. If you haven't stopped be her place, you really should. She truly is exceptional.

Rain - I love her photos. They amaze me each and everytime. Stop in for a visit, you'll see for yourself.

Dilling - Another truly excellent blog, and a great place to visit. I love the photos that she takes on her walkies with Em. I hope that someday I can walk along with her.

Hickchic - We have all read Heidi's blog. It truly is excellent and exceptional.

Christine - She never ceases to amaze me. She seems to know a little bit about everything! Seriously...see for yourself.

Palm Springs Savant (Rick Rockhill) - He keeps me 'in the know' with all of his info about celebs and life in the fast lane. Jessie is still jealous that he met Zac Effron :)

Her Indoors - Katy. I love her sense of humor,and her travel photos. Maybe one of these days, she will travel to Ontario and you will see photos of us together :)

I still have one more award to give out. I'll do that tomorrow (unless my internet goes out, then it'll take me awhile longer)

Heather's Hangout

After much cajoling, my dear friend Heather has decided to start her own blog.

I would like all of my blog buddies to stop by and say hi.

She is wicked cool (we both are, as you can tell from the class photo) and she means alot to me.

You'll love her as much as I do once you get to know her :)

Ghosts, Dimes, and The Voices In My Head

It's a strange feeling, being mentally ill. I know that my perceptions, way of thinking, and my emotions become altered. I know this. I know that sometimes I act like a maniac, and I am impossible to deal with. I know these things, and yet, in that moment, I am unable to stop myself. I know that part of my mental illness is seeing and hearing things that might not be there. That has been a part of my life since childhood.

I also firmly believe in spirits, ghosts, and the paranormal. How could I not? It has been happening all around for my entire life. In fact, Bio Betty's family are known to have a profound sense of intuition, an ability to forsee the future, and have been dealing with haunted houses for generations.

My mental health has not been great lately. Not at all. In some respects, I am worse than I have been in years. So how then, can I tell if a noise is really a noise, and not something in my head?

Well, one way is when the dogs react. Take today for instance. The tv was on, the birds were chirping, and the dogs were chasing each other all around my livingrooms, into my bedroom, and back again. The noise was incredible considering that I am the only two legged family member home today.

I heard singing.

Now, normally when I hear something like a ghost (or whatever you call it - insert word here), my hair stands up on the back of head and I feel like I'm going to vomit. When I am having a very low point and I hear things, this doesn't happen to me. It's just a noise.

Well, today, I heard that blasted singing.
I tried to ignore it.
It got louder.
The dogs stopped playing. Just STOPPED.
Bam.
Then, I heard in a sing-songy voice -
'Puppies...'

They both went to the bottom of the stairs, and growled, their fur standing up on their backs. (Bumble almost NEVER growls, even when he is playing with Ruby).

I gotta tell ya, it scared the jeepers outta me. (In fact, just writing about it is freaking me out again)

I can not even tell you how many times that I have put something down and when I come back, just a split second later, it is gone.
A ten pound bag of dog food went missing for two days once. Just reappeared, like that.
The heat in our house is another thing. The thermostat is constantly being moved. Some nights, I will go to bed, and set the heat at about 19. I will wake up sweating like mad, and see that 'someone' has turned the heat up to 25, or even higher.
Once, when Shawn was having a bath, I brought some clean clothes upstairs for him to change into. When I tried to turn the knob, it was locked. I called through the door to Shawn, and he told me that it was NOT locked, and to try the knob again.
He watched as it unlocked by itself.

Then, there's the money.
Before my Dad died, he promised me that he would come back, if he could, and check in on me and the girls. He gave me his word that he would let me know, one way or another, that there was life after death.
My first inkling that my Dad was around was about 5 days after he died. I was on my bed, despondent and crying.
I heard a voice telling me to stop.
Everything was fine.
It was my Dad.

Ok, so here is where you can say..'She is delusional..She needs her meds.'

Maybe.

I used to find pennies. Pennies were everywhere. I would vacuum the floors, leaving no trace of anything on the carpets. Spotless.
There would be pennies, right where I had just finished cleaning. Not just a penny here or there, but I would find them in strange places, too.
The bathtub, after I had filled it.
The freezer.
Once, I found a penny in my glass of juice.
I laughingly told my Dad that if the pennies were from him, I really did appreciate them, but since money was soo tight, could he send something else? Nickles or dimes, maybe.
Now, I find dimes.

Sunday was a very bad day for me. I won't go into it, but it was BAD. From a mental health stand point.
I spent four hours in my room, crying. Hysterical, really.

Yup. It was that bad.
I prayed to God, to the Saints (remnants of my Catholic upbringing) and asking, begging for help, for a sign.

Nothing.

Last night, as all of the girls slept in their rooms and Shawn was napping on the couch, I went into our room to make the bed. (Yes, yes, making it at bed time). I shook the covers and then smoothed them out.

Later, when I went to bed, there was one lone dime sitting in the middle of the bed.
Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part. Maybe I really am nutso, but I took it as a sign.
Guess what?

I feel better for it.

Say It Ain't So

Tonight is the last episode of Jericho.
Ever.
Did I say EVER ?

Tagged!

I have been tagged by Marni to do the Middle Name MeMe. This is what you have to do:

1. Post the rules before you give your answers

2. List one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name or your mother's maiden name.

3. At the end of your blog post, tag one person (or blogger of another species) for each letter of your middle name. Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged.

C is for Cookie, and that's good enough for me.

O is for Obnoxious. This comes directly from my family. (Thanks)

L is for Lunatic. Seriously. You should see me when I am having a manic episode.

L is for Lie Detector. I can always tell when Shawn or one of the girls are lying. I ALWAYS figure it out. (Even if it takes a couple of days)

E is for Eclectic. I like a little bit of everything. My music taste ranges from punk to classic rock to hymnals. I would have to say that there is not one thing about me that is 'normal.
'
E is for Erratic. Expect the unexpected with me. I hate following rules of ANY kind and you never know what I am going to do next. I like it that way.

N is for Nurturing. I will take in strays, help out my fellow man, and I love helping people. That's why I took my PSW course. I love working with the elderly and hope to get back to it someday.

I have to tag 7 people now. So, I tag:

Why?

Phoenix

Dilling

Gabriel

Babzy

Tod (Are you still tag free???)

Burfica

BTW, that was chocolate ice cream that Bumble got into. I will not make that mistake any time in the near future :)

Wordless Wednesday

My Ruby

Holy crap. I was at the mall tonight, and Kayla and Jessica were home with the dogs. Bumble ran out the door when Kayla and her bf were trying to go catch a bus.
Kayla ran after Bumble.
Ruby ran after Kayla.
Bf ran after Ruby.......

At that moment, a car was speeding (and I do mean speeding ) down our quiet street, and

Ruby got hit.

She is ok, but the driver didn't even stop. She came thisclose to hitting Kayla.
I am so freaked out, I still feel like crying.

That little dog must have an angel on her shoulder. I don't know what I would do if something happened to her.

MORE Good news

Tomorrow is our new Tribunal date. I am still not sure WHY The Germanators reopened our case, but they did. I think that it has something to do with John leaving the country again and Mrs. Crustini being in charge.
At any rate, tomorrow is the day.

Lucky for me (and Shawn) we don't have to go. John and my worker have made an agreement that will allow us to stay. Period. End of discussion.

My case worker is basically going to pay the church $1000 of the support that Rudi has not been paying. Then, they will go after Rudi for it. That's the gist of it, anyway. So, The Germanators will get that, plus the regular rent at the end of the month. We will have everything paid off in one short year. That's nothing, really. The old agreement that we had would have taken about 2 years to pay it off. Since I will be getting my missing support one way or another, that gives us an extra $239 a month to play with. That will make a HUGE difference for us.

I feel like a million bucks!

Well, like $239, anyway :)

Anyone wanna hear some good news?

I had to go to my see my disability worker today. Actually, Shawn and I both had to go.. I was crazy nervous, because I have only been in the system a few months. I really didn't even sleep last night, I was so worried.
As it turns out, I really had no need to be worried. My worker was awesome. He is going to try to work something out with the church so that we can stay here. We have another Tribunal date on Tuesday, even though we have NOT fallen behind again. I am sick to death of dealing with these people. It is nice to have someone else in my corner, someone to help us. I don't know if our worker will be able to convince The Germanators to let us stay, but either way, I feel better.

I can't get over the difference between Ontario Works (welfare) and Disability. It is the same government, the same system, but the people that I am dealing with now are so much more compassionate. When I had my little breakdown back in 2004-ish, I was on welfare for about three months so that I could get my meds. After that, they dropped me, saying that I was no longer eligible. I am now paying back every penny that I got during those three months, as an over payment. Dealing with the Ontario Works case workers was so awful, that I just gave up.

I also found out that because of my disability, I can get loan forgiveness on my student loan. I have paid back about 2 grand now, and I they are taking my tax refunds because I am not working and can't repay them in a timely manner. This will be a big relief...I feel like I can breathe again.

Our worker also gave me several phone numbers for places that will do my taxes FOR FREE. This is a Godsend, because Shawn got paid a whopping $80 this week, and I need them done ASAP.

Blah, blah, blah...You don't hear from me in over a week and then I babble like a crazy woman.

I am trying to get caught up with everyone, too. Now that Shawn is blogging, it seems that my blog time has doubled. ( I do his typing. He is still doing the hunt and peck thing and his mind works WAY faster than his fingers)

So, I am back, and better than ever. Look out blog world, BIDDIE is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have lost some of my links...If you don't see your name, let me know :)

I have a new link. check it out..http://bigdustydude.blogspot.com/

Spice Girls

I am still online, but my connection has been hit and miss. I have no idea how it is that I am online, my cable company has phoned me three times to let me know that I have been cut off already. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they don't discover their mistake until we have a chance to pay them off....
Not much else going on really. We got a huge ass pile of snow this past weekend. It actually snowed us in and we couldn't get out for groceries yesterday. I am not kidding when I say that the snow piles out side my house are as tall as me.
WTF? I mean, we are well into march here...I remember March break 1987. I was wearing shorts and riding bikes...Not wearing snowshoes and mittens.
I am kind of bummed out over the lack of work and our finances. It seems like we take two steps forward, one step back. The only thing that cheers me up when I feel this bad is a good laugh. That's why I'm posting this video. KC has posted it before, but I really can't get enough. These guys crack me up!

I thought that I was going to have to resort to one of these. Whew. I have tried several times to post, but they never show up. Darn Blogger.

I AM still online. The cable/phone/internet company thinks that we are off line, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that they keep thinking that. Shawn saw a Rogers van driving on our street with a guy holding a Whisper 2000 looking thing out the window. I think they may be on to us.....

Bad News

I think that I am going to be off line for awhile. My cable/phone/internet company just called me and said that my account is suspended. I can live without my 'net, I suppose, but my phone? Apparently, I will still be able to get calls in, but I can't make calls out. That will be a big fucking help when Shawn has to call about jobs.

Sorry about the cursing. I just feel sick, and I feel like giving up. It will take us forever to get caught up, and I don't know how we will do it without a phone. Never mind if Jessie gets sick.

So, I might be around, I might not. I still have all of my services, but I bet that by tomorrow they will be gone.



Be back when I can.

Biddie

You Have My Heart

I guess that it's about time that I give out my awards. I am feeling much better after that nasty head cold. Thanks for all your well wishes :)

I love all of my blog friends. I really do. I don't leave my house very often because of my depression and bi polar issues ( craziness) and I have isolated myself from alot of 'real life' friends. That is one of the reasons that you all mean so much to me. It really is hard for me to pick just a few of my friends, because, really, you ALL have my heart.

So, without further ado, here goes my list.

Tod, Corky, Gardenia, Marni, Cindydianne, and Dilling.

Thanks for being such cool blog buddies.

Sick.

Back soon.

That's all for now.

Awards Day!

I am not sure how this happened, but I have been given THREE awards! I know, I know, I can barely believe it myself!First, a little while back, my good friend Whim gave this one. I have heart!
Then, she awarded me with this one. I make her day! Whoo hoo!
Then, to my surprise, I got this one from Gabriel.

I think that I need to sit for a minute...Oh, right, I AM sitting. Still, you can see why I am feeling so giddy and light headed. Three awards, from two people that I adore and respect. It doesn't get better than this!

So, I will have to think about who I am going to give these awards to. I hate that part, because I love all of my blog buddies, and you all are excellent, have heart, and make my day!

BTW, I laughed at all of the responses that I got on the photo of Shawn and the duck (Leopold). We have not set a wedding date yet, but we like to do it this year, he is NOT wearing powder blue, and I am NOT giving in on the duck/ring bearer. I MIGHT let Heidi do it though, since she asked so nicely :)

Oh, and Deb? Leopold was just a loaner. If we ever do need a duck, I know where to go!

Now Do You Believe Me?

Looks like we're one step closer to the wedding. Shawn has his duck.

Sigh.

I am so far behind with everything. I haven't really posted in along time - or so it seems.
I started my new meds last week. YAY ME! The shrink has me on Wellbutrin, and my old stand by, Seroquel. I have been on that before, and it works well for me. It is a very low dose, though, and I think that for it to work at all, I need a higher dose.
I can't really say that I feel better, because it takes a few weeks to kick start my brain. I am frustrated as all hell with my shrink. It was my first visit in MONTHS, and I had all of maybe 7 minutes. How can I tell him what I need to in 7 freaking minutes? Whatever happened to the days that we had a 50 minute hour? I know that he doesn't need to hear every detail of my life, but I thought that he might like to know that I have had several severe depressive episodes. My next appointment isn't until June. Somebody should remind me, because I am bound to forget by then.

Shawn has declared this LOVE WEEK. He is freaking me out, he has been so sweet. He has been talking about getting married again, too. We never seem to get past the talking stage. Not that I don't wanna marry him and make it all legal like. This is the longest relationship that I have ever had. Usually I am in divorce court by now. We haven't even made it to the church.
Part of the reason is the whole tax situation. We (read HE) needs to get it sorted out. The other reason is that we can not agree on anything. I don't want a big wedding. Cripes, I have been married twice already. I just want my kids there, my most important family members and a nice dress. He wants BIG. If we invite his family (that hate me) it will be big. Seven sisters, one brother, assorted spouses, kids, and grandkids of his siblings. (He is the baby. His oldest sister is about the age of my mom(s) . He actually grew up thinking that it was his aunt).

Here's the other thing. He is nuts. Ok, like I am crazy and stuff, but he is over the top insane. He told me last night that he wants a duck as the ring bearer.

No, really. I can't even tell you what he wants to wear. There is no such thing as low key when you are hanging with Shawn.

Sigh.

My biggest heartbreak this month is that I am NOT going to see The Spice Girls. I wanted to take the girls to see them in T.O. I was checking out tickets on ebay today...$1000 for two. There is just no way possible.

I wonder HOW I am going to Spice Up My Life now?

Sigh.

I just came from Gabriel's blog, and for some reason, I can't comment over there. I'm not sure what's going on, but I HAD to comment.

His blog today brought tears to my eyes. He wrote a post entitled "My Funny Valentine" and it is beautiful. It is a tribute to his wife, Gaby.

Check out my links, and stop by his place and read about his amazing wife. I hope that in another 10 years, Shawn and I are still as happy as Gaby and her hubby.

Does anybody think it's strange that I wanna keep my village up all year?

Just askin'.

I'm a little preoccupied today. Jericho comes back tonight. I am so excited, I can barely type.

That's all.

Does This Really Need A Title?

A friend emailed this photo to me. I got a good laugh out of it. See the power cord floating on the two flip flops? 'Nuff said.

To my very good friends, Marni and Debi!

Love you

Now, For Some Fun!

Pay It Forward!

As the conditions of Camie's blog state:

The Game:

Everyone who has a blog is welcome to participate.

The first three people to leave a comment on my blog will recieve a gift from me in the next 365 days. The only condition is that those people will have to do the same on their blogs.

Pay it Forward!

The gifts will be silly and I promise to have them sent out within the month.

This Just In.....

We are staying.

Deep breaths.

Thanks for everything.

Tomorrow, I see my shrink. Whew. I'll let you know how that goes.

I Still Haven't Heard

I am still waiting to hear.

I am on pins and needles, too, Pheonix!

I'll let you know as soon as I know.

SIGH

The Germanators

I got a phone call from John, or as KC calls him, The Germanator.

I will not be going tomorrow, and neither will Shawn. I just can't. Even if Shawn could go, I know that I can't. I can say that I will, but more than likely, my panic will overwhelm me, and I won't make it.

I did speak with John. He assures me that he does not want to kick me out. He sounds so sincere....I want to trust him, but ....

I'll let you know tomorrow how it goes. Keep your fingers crossed, and the prayers coming. For some reason, I feel hopeful.

I Shoulda Stayed In Bed

February 4 th is a notoriously bad day for me. It has been for the last 18 years. I normally (try) to stay in bed and I don't leave the house. Ok, well, I seldom leave the house anway, BUT February 4 th, I stay hidden. It's just easier that way.

Today was no exception. I had to deal with The Church People, aka, The Landlords. Shawn had a 7 week layoff over the holidays. There was also that bit of nastiness when Jessie was in the hospital. We survived on food bank fare and donations from a church. There wasn't even bus fare to go around. It was bad, but we made it.

The result of the lay off was that we fell behind on our bills, rent included. We fell behind to the tune of $1200 (this is on our $300 a week agreement). Last week, I paid off that $1200, which was no small feat, believe me. We were not able to pay THAT weeks $300, however. We did pay THIS week, which means that we are, still, one week behind.

Now here's where it gets tricky. We have SEVERAL landlords here. Our place is owned by a church, and everyone has their fingers in the pot. On more than one occasion, we have had several different members of the church come to our door to collect rent that had already been paid. When we fell behind, we were told by one person to "catch up as soon as you can." This is the guy that we were told to deal with. We'll call him 'John.'

John told us to call when we had the money.

I tried to call him all week to make arrangements to pay the money.

I got no answer even after I left a message. Or two. Or Three.....

The following Sunday I am given papers by the treasurer of the church, giving me a new Tribunal date. I have only met this person ONE other time, and I have never dealt with her on this level. She tells me that I should have called. I tell her that I DID, more than once. She tells me that I should have called HER, because John is in Africa.

Hmmm....Ok. So I tell her that I can borrow the money, if she writes me a letter that saying that I owe X amount, as proof that I do, indeeed owe the money. She tells that is MY problem, and I should solve it on my own.

(This is where I remind you that I am dealing with a church)

I promised her that I could have it by the end of the week, with a little co operation.

Anyway, I DID get the money, and by the middle of the week. I had to call THREE different numbers to get the money picked up.

A DIFFERENT person came to get the cheque.

So, the next person that I am dealing with, the guy that picks the money up, tells me that they have no intention of kicking us out. They just want the money. He PROMISES me that if we pay, everything will be fine. We'll call him 'Stinky' - cuz he is.

So, I get my reciept and I am told that I have to wait for John to get back from Africa before they can withdraw the Tribunal papers, because he is the one in charge.

SIGH...............

Ok, I DO owe the money. I have worked my tail off getting them the $1200 that they asked for. Although we do have arrears that we are clearing off, all that we are behind on our agreement is the $300..We have paid $1500 in 2 weeks. I think that shows good faith.

I told Stinky that this $1200 is all of the money that I have, and PLEASE don't screw us over. If they DO go ahead with the Tribunal date, then we WILL be evicted and we might only have ONE week to move. There is NO way possible for us to this since we have just given them all of our money.

I am assured, by this Church Guy, that they would never do that...

Keep in mind that Shawn has not yet had a full week back at work. If he misses one day, not only could he be fired, but we won't have enough money at the end of the week to pay rent and buy groceries. Our budget is THAT tight.

Flash forward.....

John is back from Africa. Now, he is all powerful man that can stop this process. That is what we have been told.

I just got off of the phone with John.

They are going ahead with the Tribunal.

If we don't go, the Adjudicator will make an automatic judgement in the favour of the church. Typically, you are given 7-10 days to leave.

If we DO go, they may find against us, because we are in fact, ONE week behind on our agreement. Shawn WILL lose a day pay, and he COULD be fired.

I explained all of this to John, and asked if we could just arrange a move out date, because I don't want to be homeless in a week with my kids.

His response?

"That's up to the judge."

I said that we would happily move, if that is what they want.

He says that no, they just want the rent.

WTF?

I owe one week. They just got a pile of cash outta me.

So, I guess that we are moving. There really is no way for us to go to the Tribunal. We can't afford to risk Shawn's job. We just can't.

I know that we owe this money. I know that we have been behind before. I also know that we have moved Hell and high water to make things right. It feels like the church is screwing us over. It really does. I wonder how people that claim to be Christian can do this? They know that we have no money, they know that you can't find a place/pack/and move in a week, especially when you have ZERO money.

I just feel defeated. I feel like I tried to do the right thing, by paying off the back rent, even though I knew that it meant we would not be able to move. I feel like the church took that money, knowing all of this, and had every intention of kicking our asses out.

This is the first place that has really felt like home. The kids have played here.

We grew the most beautiful Morning Glory's ever.
We buried our Pork Chop in the back yard.

We have also done countless small repairs, at our cost. We had to put in taps the first week that we moved in, because the ones in the kitchen were TAPED on. We cleaned for TWO weeks before we moved in, cleaning up after the shlubbs that lived her before us. We even replaced the carpet this past summer.

We rehung the gate, planted shrubs where the old ones had died, and replace all of the locks, also at our expense, because Stinky and the FIRST landlord lost all of the keys. We even mowed the lawn when the previous occupants were still living here, because the church asked us to.

We have never asked to be reimbursed for any of this. We just did it because we love our little home. We had to deal with church members walking into our home, on more than one occasion, without being invited (this past week, infact), and having people call us names (in German, but hey, both Shawn and I are part German..we understand more than they know)....

I think that I am DONE. I have no idea HOW we will do this, but we are outta here. My stress level is CRAZY bad, and I can't do this anymore.

If anyone knows of a place for rent, gimme a call. I'm looking.

The Love Blog

A couple of weeks ago, Canadian Flake gave this award. I think that Flake is one of the sweetest bloggers around, so I am doubly pleased that she chose me.

Me! Can you believe it? I have such amazing blog buddies. I really do.

I have to pick 5 more people to give this award to. I hate this part, because I always feel like everyone deserves an award. Well, not EVERYONE, just my super great blog buddies.

Katy- Her Indoors. Wanna talk about someone spreading the love? Look no further than Katy. She sends me emails when I am feeling down, and always does her best to make me laugh. It usually works, too. She is awesome. I'm so lucky to have found her.

Chellie- I think that she found me, and I am so grateful. Have you been over to her new place? You really should stop by. You will feel as though you have reunited with an old friend. Plus, she is a dog lover. What more could you ask for?

Christine- Christine is amazing. She is incredibly kind, and has reached out to me, when she has so much going on in her own life. Honestly, if you haven't been by to visit her, then you really should.

Heidi- Hickchic- Ok, I am breaking my own rule here. I never pick Heidi because she is my real life bestest, for many years. The thing is, she is great blog buddy. If I had never met her before, I would STILL love her. She is my biggest cheerleader, and I love her for it.

Whimsicalnbrainpan- Where do I start? She is incredible. She has been so supportive of me. The thing about Whim is, she has a huge heart. She inspires me. Stop by and say hi. I guarantee, you will not regret it.

Ok, so there you have five. This was so difficult. I love all of my buddies SO much. You have all touched me, in some way. You have all enriched my life and made me smile. So, to ALL of my buddies, a great big Thank you.