Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Ghosts, Dimes, and The Voices In My Head

It's a strange feeling, being mentally ill. I know that my perceptions, way of thinking, and my emotions become altered. I know this. I know that sometimes I act like a maniac, and I am impossible to deal with. I know these things, and yet, in that moment, I am unable to stop myself. I know that part of my mental illness is seeing and hearing things that might not be there. That has been a part of my life since childhood.

I also firmly believe in spirits, ghosts, and the paranormal. How could I not? It has been happening all around for my entire life. In fact, Bio Betty's family are known to have a profound sense of intuition, an ability to forsee the future, and have been dealing with haunted houses for generations.

My mental health has not been great lately. Not at all. In some respects, I am worse than I have been in years. So how then, can I tell if a noise is really a noise, and not something in my head?

Well, one way is when the dogs react. Take today for instance. The tv was on, the birds were chirping, and the dogs were chasing each other all around my livingrooms, into my bedroom, and back again. The noise was incredible considering that I am the only two legged family member home today.

I heard singing.

Now, normally when I hear something like a ghost (or whatever you call it - insert word here), my hair stands up on the back of head and I feel like I'm going to vomit. When I am having a very low point and I hear things, this doesn't happen to me. It's just a noise.

Well, today, I heard that blasted singing.
I tried to ignore it.
It got louder.
The dogs stopped playing. Just STOPPED.
Bam.
Then, I heard in a sing-songy voice -
'Puppies...'

They both went to the bottom of the stairs, and growled, their fur standing up on their backs. (Bumble almost NEVER growls, even when he is playing with Ruby).

I gotta tell ya, it scared the jeepers outta me. (In fact, just writing about it is freaking me out again)

I can not even tell you how many times that I have put something down and when I come back, just a split second later, it is gone.
A ten pound bag of dog food went missing for two days once. Just reappeared, like that.
The heat in our house is another thing. The thermostat is constantly being moved. Some nights, I will go to bed, and set the heat at about 19. I will wake up sweating like mad, and see that 'someone' has turned the heat up to 25, or even higher.
Once, when Shawn was having a bath, I brought some clean clothes upstairs for him to change into. When I tried to turn the knob, it was locked. I called through the door to Shawn, and he told me that it was NOT locked, and to try the knob again.
He watched as it unlocked by itself.

Then, there's the money.
Before my Dad died, he promised me that he would come back, if he could, and check in on me and the girls. He gave me his word that he would let me know, one way or another, that there was life after death.
My first inkling that my Dad was around was about 5 days after he died. I was on my bed, despondent and crying.
I heard a voice telling me to stop.
Everything was fine.
It was my Dad.

Ok, so here is where you can say..'She is delusional..She needs her meds.'

Maybe.

I used to find pennies. Pennies were everywhere. I would vacuum the floors, leaving no trace of anything on the carpets. Spotless.
There would be pennies, right where I had just finished cleaning. Not just a penny here or there, but I would find them in strange places, too.
The bathtub, after I had filled it.
The freezer.
Once, I found a penny in my glass of juice.
I laughingly told my Dad that if the pennies were from him, I really did appreciate them, but since money was soo tight, could he send something else? Nickles or dimes, maybe.
Now, I find dimes.

Sunday was a very bad day for me. I won't go into it, but it was BAD. From a mental health stand point.
I spent four hours in my room, crying. Hysterical, really.

Yup. It was that bad.
I prayed to God, to the Saints (remnants of my Catholic upbringing) and asking, begging for help, for a sign.

Nothing.

Last night, as all of the girls slept in their rooms and Shawn was napping on the couch, I went into our room to make the bed. (Yes, yes, making it at bed time). I shook the covers and then smoothed them out.

Later, when I went to bed, there was one lone dime sitting in the middle of the bed.
Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part. Maybe I really am nutso, but I took it as a sign.
Guess what?

I feel better for it.

17 comments:

coffeypot said...

I think you are lucky. I would give my left nut (I ain’t using them much anymore) to be able to see and talk to the dead. If I could, I would burn a trail to the nearest Civil War battle field and have a hootenanny with the guys there. But next time, ask for dollars instead of dimes.

Biddie said...

Coffeypot - I have asked for loonies and toonies (you know, crazy Canadian coins), but so far, I have only gotten dimes.
For the most part, I don't mind seeing/hearing ghosties..I DO NOT like it when I am home alone and the dogs are freaked out, too.
Like today.

FOUR DINNERS said...

Caz's dad got very ill a few years back. As Caz and Jax went upstairs they both said "Porridge". Uh? At that moment the phone rang and Caz's mum said "Dad's on the way to hospital. He's unconscious and they aren't sure he'll be allright"

Caz's dad is a Scotsman and eats porridge by the bucket load.

I couldn't smell a thing but they both smelt porridge at the same time.

Caz is into spiritualism and is incredible at sensing moods. She knows exactly my mood at all times way too accurately.

Spooky eh?

Tod said...

Spooky stuff!

Heather said...

Dimes from Heaven

Dimes from heaven appear before me.
Sometimes in moments of adversity.
It's the key to my Determination.
Clears my mind for free Invention.
At times I ask.
What does it mean?
What does it stand for?
Could it be a virtual golden door?
Telling me to walk through
And live the Moment.
Have the faith.
Coupled with Enjoyment.
Ah! I think I figured it out!
DIME
Is heaven's mantra for me!

Unknown writer.
(to me)
----------------------

We all have someone looking over us B,they are there waiting for us to know. Talk to them and don't feel crazy. When you can still your mind and listen, takes time. They are there.

Love you girl

Heather said...

Dimes from Heaven

Dimes from heaven appear before me.
Sometimes in moments of adversity.
It's the key to my Determination.
Clears my mind for free Invention.
At times I ask.
What does it mean?
What does it stand for?
Could it be a virtual golden door?
Telling me to walk through
And live the Moment.
Have the faith.
Coupled with Enjoyment.
Ah! I think I figured it out!
DIME
Is heaven's mantra for me!

Unknown writer.
(to me)
----------------------

We all have someone looking over us B,they are there waiting for us to know. Talk to them and don't feel crazy. When you can still your mind and listen, takes time. They are there.

Love you girl

Heather said...

Only ask for those who have your best intentions in mind with love and God's light.


:0)

Heidi the Hick said...

This may not be the right time to say this, but...

You're such a good writer.

aims said...

Check out Crystal Jigsaw - http://crystaljigsaw.blogspot.com/

She sees ghosts all the time and is writing a book about it...

I believe that being 'mentally ill' allows you the ability to 'see' what others can't see. It has also been proven that artists have some kind of 'cracks' in their mental makeup..that is what makes them so artistic...and it sure shows in your writing...it's wonderful!

Now maybe you should ask for a loonie or a toonie...$1 and $2 peices here in Canada! :0)

Anonymous said...

YOu are okay my friend. It's been a while since I saw our "friend". But I still hear him now and then, walking. I am alone alot and I am never afraid. Dark flees from light. If you are seeing or hearing anyone they are not there to do you harm. Actually I miss our ghost. He will be back. Take care. Looks like the baby is coming sooner than later. I will keep you posted. Looks like it will be Jody. If you are too afraid to pray, just call on the name of Jesus. Works everytime. deb

Phoenix5 said...

I don't believe in ghosts or other "paranormal" goings on, but after reading your post, I'm beginning to wonder.

You described how I felt years ago when you mentioned how you know what's wrong, yet you can't stop yourself. It's almost like your subconcious takes over, and your conscious is unwillingly being taken along for a very bumpy, scary ride, seeing, but unable to reassert control. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time with it right now. I hope things balance out and improve for you real soon!

Marni said...

You know what I think about the paranormal... and I would have freaked if I heard something say "puppies"... gah!

Hang in there, hon. It'll get better.

Hugs!

Burfica said...

I think we are giving signs all the time, and I think you are right to recognize it and feel better for it.

Ever figure out who said puppies???

katy said...

glad your dad is watching over you.
I am always talking to my mum and I know she is watching over me.
yes it is scary when you are home alone and the puppies growl, but if you feel uncomfortable just ask them (spirits) to leave you alone for now. (((hugs)))

Alekx said...

Sounds like your spirits are not mischievious or wishing ill intent, maybe someone just trying to let you know they are there by calling to your puppies.

Maybe dad can leave quarters for awhile. Then work up to 100 dollar bills. :-)

My mom talks to Burf alot, I think it's because of kiddo. I haven't heard from her, but I'm pretty sure she hangs around from time to time.
she'll kick me in the head when she's ready.

The penny in the juice and the bathtub was cool, I think that might have been to let you know despite your mental illness you aren't nuts. Very cool post

Gabriel said...

Wow. One of the best things I've read from you, Biddie. You had me almost crying by the end.

I wish my dad spoke to me like yours speaks to you. I miss him very much.

I'm away now, but you know...if you guys ever need a hand... I have two.

WANTED: Daily Drama Fix said...

I think animals are super sensitive to other worlds.

What a nice sign from your dad.