Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
We ate our faces off, as usual. I never take pretty photos of the food the way that everyone else always does. I guess that with our family, there just isn't enough time.
Ruby and her rawhide Christmas card from Santa.
Cody and Kayla. Isn't that Christmasy and such? A new pellet gun for Christmas. It's not a Red Rider, but Cody seems happy as heck anyway.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Whatever the reason, this Christmas was no different.
I have been troubled with insomnia again, and I was up late on Christmas Eve, talking to a friend on the computer (Hi, Corky!).
When it felt as though I could barely keep my eyes open, I shut everything off and sat in favourite chair, took a deep breath and thought of the long ahead of me..
Kayla appeared suddenly, unable to sleep herself. After talking for a few minutes, Kayla produced a three ring binder that I had not seen before.
It was a book of poetry, written many years ago, by my Dad.
I have read some of Dad's poems before, but this binder held some of his most heart wrenching and personal thoughts.
I read one out loud, and it brought tears to my eyes.
It was called
Christmas Without You
The children are sleeping,
Tucked in their bed,
The presents are wrapped,
Round the tree they are spread,
As I sit here in my chair,
In my mind, thoughts go through,
Why am I so sad?
It's Christmas Without You
Morning comes early,
Down the stairs the children run,
They tear open their presents,
To receive them oh what fun.
But their laughter seems distant,
There is something missing, it's true.
You have left us, you're gone,
It's Christmas without you.
Afternoon brings dinner,
I am no cook I have learnt.
The potatoes are soggy,
The turkey is burnt.
Vegetables that are cold,
Ice cream that looks like stew
No wonder we have not eaten,
It's Christmas without you.
Kids going to bed early,
Something is sure amiss,
First they give me a hug,
Then I get a kiss.
Why are their little minds troubled?
The answer I know - I do.
For their Mother was not here,
It was Christmas Without You.
This year, my best gift was that binder of poetry. I have learned so much about my Dad, just by reading his notes.
I had no idea that the divorce has affected him so profoundly. I was so little when my Mother left that I don't remember that first Christmas.
Thanks to that little black binder, I feel as though I know my Dad better, differently, than I did before, almost ten years after he passed away.
I couldn't ask for anything better.
I hope that you all had wonderful holidays, too.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Jessica turned 14 on the 16th. Fourteen! I am still shell shocked that my baby is 14.
Gramma Lynn came over after school and we opened gifts. TMOC's Christmas package arrived that day, so we opened those too. We never seem to be able to wait.
I went shopping with Gramma on Monday and we had all of her shopping done for KC, Kayla and Jessica done in less than an hour. It was a kamikaze shopping trip. Normally, she spends a couple of hours wandering the mall wondering what to get. She rocks as a Gramma, but since the girls have gotten older (and their taste is considerably more expensive), she has been more miss than hit at the gift giving. It was fun, and the whole thing was just under $200 (for my girls, Spencer and one of her other grand kids). I must say, we rock.
I took Jessica to see her doc on the 15th and she was given a clean bill of health. Her weight is at a healthy 107.5 lbs, and she has stayed there for a few months. Her cheeks are rosy, she looks great...There is not much else that I could want, really. Well, work for Shawn, but that is not likely to happen until after the New Year.
I know that you are all sick of hearing this by now, but I am just pinching myself at our luck....It is the Christmas season again and my baby is home. Can I ask for anything else????
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Here's a wee little Bumble. I wish that he wasn't so washed out.
Kayla found the rest of the village pieces (accidentally) and we finally have the whole town up and running.
Looks like a fresh snowfall.
Our new diner. I LOVE this piece! It is easily my all time favourite.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I'm ok with that, because I am not exactly caught up in the Christmas spirit.
My dental surgery was put off until January 20. I am going to see my regular dentist and he is doing the procedure himself - without sedation. I can't afford it and I am tired of dealing with other dentists. I just wanna get it over with.
Shawn and I are going to the dentist together that day - me for my surgery and he is having another root canal. Isn't that romantic?
A relative stopped by today. Most of you may know that I love hanging with family, and they are always welcome in our home. Almost always.
Shawn has a relative named Bob. He is....Odd.
Probably harmless - I am told.
He stopped by today unexpectedly. Of course, Shawn was gone, and asked me to keep him there until he could get back.
I tried to talking small talk with him. He doesn't really get the whole small talk thing. His idea of small talk is this :
Bob: Remember that time with Shawn?
Bob: You know, that time!
Me: That time...?
Bob: Yeah! That time! With you and Shawn!
Me: Oh, yeah.....That time. That was...great.
Bob: (sitting back in the chair, smiling ear to ear) Yeah! That was the best.
Bob then spent several minutes telling me about his girlfriend's Jack RUSSLER terriers, and how hers have fur just like Bumbles, except that really, they have no fur at all.
God help me.
Bob has a warehouse full of boat mufflers that he bought online from a guy in Australia. He is positive that they will sell like hotcakes.
Thank goodness Bob lives in Orangeville now and we don't see him as often. Bob is best enjoyed in small doses.
Shawn is still not back to work. I am really starting to sweat now. There are only a couple of weeks until Christmas and then there will be no work for almost a whole week after that. There is no way that we can hang on until then.
I mean, the kids can eat just about anything - and they will, but the cats...If they go hungry they will eat my eyes out while I am sleeping. Ok, maybe not my 15 year old orange tabby, but that wild ass crazy black cat of Kayla's will, I know it.
I am NOT going to be wearing an eye patch for the holidays.
Geoff had a lovely vacation in Cuba. I saw some of his photos on facebook. I think that Jessica did, too. I often wonder how he (or any other deadbeat) can sleep at night. He has not bought Jessica any diabetic supplies in over six months and he has no money to help with braces, but he can vacation in Cuba.
I wish that I were that broke, don't you?
Jessica is devastated. She can't understand why she rates so low on his list of priorities and I have no way of explaining it to her. I just hope that this doesn't put a damper on her birthday celebration this weekend.
Anyway, I am not going to let him spoil my holiday season. I refuse to give him that kind of power.
Well, it is late. I usually hang out on my own late into the night, but I am trying to get my sleep back on schedule. I haven't been falling asleep until after 3 am most nights and I have to be honest, it does nothing for my sweet disposition!
Monday, December 08, 2008
I am so relieved that Jessica's friend is home safely. I still have no idea what happened to her. I am just so happy that her mom can sleep at night now.
I got a phone call from my blogbuddy Camie Vog last night. She says that I sound 'Canadian.'
Most of my Canadian friends will say that I sound like a Nova Scotian. It was great to hear from her, since she doesn't get much blogging done these days with the wee one toddling around and getting into stuff.
Shawn has been off of work since he came home from Toronto. I hate the winter slow down and I hate that it always happens right before the holidays. I am not freaked out, though. We are doing so much better than we were last year at this time. I have not forgotten how far we have come.....Jessica is healthy, I am on my meds, and we are paying off our back rent. Yup, still chipping away at it.
I don't have my Christmas tree up yet and we are celebrating Christmas with Gramma Lynn this Sunday. She is heading out west, to see her other grand baby, so we are having a huge turkey dinner early.
I love Lynn for so many reasons. She is a wonderful grandma to the kids. Beyond wonderful, really. She loves KC and Kayla like her own, and treats them the same as all of the other grand kids. Naw, who am I fooling? She treats them (and Jessica, of course) better then the others. LOL. It's true. She spoils them.
Gramma Lynn has been a great friend to me. When Geoff and I got married, she was my matron of honour, and when Geoff and I divorced, she and I became even closer. We just decided that Geoff leaving was just that, Geoff leaving and it should not affect our relationship.
She is wonderful to Shawn,and calls him her son. I laugh at that, but I love it. She hugs him tight whenever she sees him, and he loves it. His family is not touchy feely and he never got a lot of hugs as a kid. We are making up for it now.
I still have a ton of stuff to get in the mail. I have not mailed TMOC`s package yet. I bought my SIL a Royal Dalton fígurine and now I am kicking myself. How the heck am I going to get that off to Nova Scotia in one piece? I may have to wait until she comes for a visit in January to give it to her. I have to mail the other stuff, though. My brother is a bigger kid than I am about the holidays and he needs his stuff. Of course, there is always a little toy for him, too. This year I found a Pez dispenser that looks a skull. Not very Christmas-y, I know, but he will love it. I also got him the complete series of Soap on DVD. Now he can drive my SIL crazy watching it instead of me. LOL. I am evil.
I am only about half way done my shopping. I got Shawn a sno cone machine. He will love it. I still need to buy something for KC. Can`t say what, she reads this blog and it would spoil the surprise.
Jessica is having a birthday party this Friday. She is having 6 friends sleep over...I hope I know what I have gotten myself into. They are going to watch movies and do `girlie`things. I have to find a place that can make me a peanut free cake, cuz two of her friends are allergic. The only affordable place that I can think of is Zehrs, the same outfit that had me arrested for stealing the cheese. You can see my dilemma. I am banned forever from the place, but I won`t have an issue going to the one that I used to work at. I just feel icky about supporting them in any way after the way that I was treated.
I have been watching Celebrity Rehab 2. Sigh.
Gary Busey is an even bigger freak than I thought, and Jeff Conaway is a jerk. I am so disillusioned. Kinikie is an asshat.
Rodney King on the other hand seems like a sweet guy. Every time I see him I can see the beating in my minds eye, and then the subsequent beating of Reginald Denny during the L.A. riots. It makes me wonder about the human race and the way that we treat each other.
OK, well, Shawn has come home (He was hanging out with his nephew) and brought me a coffee. If I have to make a choice between Tim Hortons or the laptop, Timmie`s will win every time!
Friday, December 05, 2008
I think that she was wearing her school uniform when last seen - navy blue pants and a white top.
This is a not a run away. She has never done anything like this before and none of her stuff is missing.
PLEASE, if you live in the Kitchener/Waterloo area and you have seen her, call the police at:
If you are reading this and are not in our area, please, pray that she is brought home safely. It's cold out there and she is alone.
We just got word that Shannon is home. That is all we know for now. Thank you for your prayers - I can only imagine what the past couple of days have been like for her family.
Thank God, she is home now.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
I hate this. Not only was I up half the night completely freaked out about the whole thing, but I had to get Shawn's dad to drive us (it was out of town) and listen to him complain about he waited outside for us for 20 minutes. (He was there about three minutes before we came out of the house).
The dentist that I saw had teeth that are far worse then mine, which really did not inspire any trust or faith....Then, they tell me that there will be an extra $669 associated with the cost.
Why am I just being told this now? Thank goodness the surgery was put off..I don't happen to have $669 kicking around. I can't spend that. Jessica needs her braces and that has to come first.
I have to try to convince my dentist that I can do this in his office.
My village is finally up, but we are missing almost 1/3 of it. I have no idea where the village diner is or the cars, people, fences...sigh.
I don't suppose that they could be too far off. Must have been pushed into the back room when Cody started his Fish Room.
Yes, we have a whole room dedicated to fish and aquariums.
Whatever keeps you off the streets, I guess.
Other than that, everything is the same old.
No news is good news, right?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Shawn came home last week and I don't think that I have ever missed anyone as much as I missed him while he was away. After spending the first night catching up, we ran away from home and holed up in a hotel for a couple of days. (We were a mere two blocks from our house). It was just what we needed. Of course, Kayla and Cody came by to check out our 'fort', but other than that, we were pretty much alone.
It was heavenly.
I am starting to feel the Christmas spirit again. Our Christmas village grew so much that we had to do major renos to find the real estate for it. Hopefully, it will up and glowing by this time tomorrow. I am almost a whole month behind on the project.
There has been more drama in Shawn's family and we are doing our best to not get sucked in. It is so easy to get caught up in crap, but I am trying to focus on the family that lives under our roof, not the extended ones.
It looks like Cody will be here through the holidays, too. I don't talk about it much, but the situation with his mother has just gotten progressively worse.
She has little or no contact with him, contibutes zero dollars to his expenses (she says that she is no longer responsible for him), but refuses to let me speak to the school or write notes on his behalf. She lives in another town, and has no idea what is doing or with whom....She can't write him notes simply because of the logistics, and she won't let me do anything for him.
It pisses me off to no end. I can pay his way, buy him clothes, lunches, give him bus fare, but I can't write a freaking note to the school or talk to his teachers. It seems to me that she wants it both ways.
Cody asked about going to see her and his siblings over the holidays. He was told that he is not welocome to spend the night there, and is not welcome on Christmas morning. He can go by on Christmas Eve for a couple of hours.
I haven't spoken to this woman.
No, I mean like EVER. I said hi to her once and that is IT. She has no clue what kind of people we are or if we are taking care of her child. She just couldn`t care less.
It infuritates me to no end, but for Cody`s sake, I remain silent. (Trust me, this is incredibly difficult for me).
Cody is more than welcome to stay with us. We will make him feel as though he is part of the family and he will have a great holiday here.
So....that`s about it. I am happy as pig in sh*t to have my family back together, and I am soo looking forward to the holidays with the rest of my family.
I just keep reminding myself that things could be much worse.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
No, really, she just was going on her la di da way and ignored everyone around her. Apparently, it is her world and we are just living in it.
Spencer is ok. He is bruised, cut, swollen and angry as hell, but he is ok.
The car, however, is a probably going to be a total right off.
He bought it in May.
I feel awful for him, but the most overwhelming emotion for me at the moment is gratitude.
I am so grateful that Spencer was not seriously hurt.
I am so grateful that nobody else was hurt, or worse yet, killed.
More than anything, I am thanking God that KC was at work and not in the car with Spencer where she usually is.
I have yet another reason to celebrate this holiday season.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Jessica was diagnosed when she was 3 years old. I can recall the moment that the doctor gave me the news....She had been so incredibly sick, and I knew that something was wrong, but I chalked it up to the flu that had been going around. I had it, and I thought that she did too.
She started having accidents in bed at night, and that was not something that she had ever done before. Not knowing how seriously ill she really was, I bribed her with a Barbie doll that she wanted.
Jessica wanted that doll so badly that somehow, she actually stopped wetting the bed at night. That was nothing less than amazing since she was beyond sick at that time.
I recovered from the flu, and Jessica was still sick. In a matter of of days, she lost an astounding 8 pounds off her slight three year old frame.
I called my family to take us to the hospital. My motherly instincts told me to go, now.
I couldn't get a drive and I didn't have the money for a taxi.
Looking back, if I had known just how bad it really was, I would have called an ambulance.
A neighbour drove us to the hospital - Jessica, Geoff and I. I have no idea where KC and Kayla were. I can't remember that part.
She was taken into the er immediately. There was no triage, no waiting.
I was told later that if I would have waited a mere couple hours longer, we could have lost her.
It has been nearly 11 years since that day.
I wish that I could say that things have changed. but nothing really has.
Jessica still has daily injections, and checks her blood sugar several times each day.
In fact, far from getting better, the past 13 months or so have been a nightmare for our whole family.
I don't know if they will ever find a cure for this horrendous disease. Ten years ago I was told that in ten years we would wipe it off of the face of the earth.
It's still here, it's still stealing lives and destroying families.
Today, on World Diabetes Day, more than ever, I am thinking of Jessica and all of the other people out there that are suffering.
KITCHENER--Emma Ermel is tired of the needles. The four-year-old Kitchener girl was diagnosed in June with Type 1 diabetes, and insulin injections and blood sugar tests have become part of her daily routine.“I hate those needles,” Emma said.She wishes she could get rid of them, and maybe even diabetes. That’s why she’s going to sell hot chocolate tomorrow — World Diabetes Day — to raise money for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.The money, Emma said quietly from the safety of her mother Amy Ermel’s arms, is “for people who are trying to find a cure.” Emma and her hot-chocolate crew will be at the Zehrs store at the corner of Ottawa Street and Strasburg Road tomorrow from 4 to 8 p.m. World Diabetes Day falls on Nov. 14 in honour of the birthday of Frederick Banting, who helped discover insulin in 1922. The World Health Organization estimates that more than 180 million people worldwide have diabetes, and that number is likely to more than double by 2030 without intervention. Juvenile diabetes is a growing concern in Canada, said Margot Fitzpatrick, regional manager for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation in southwestern Ontario.Every year the number of children with diabetes rises by three to five per cent, she said. And the number of children diagnosed before the age of two has tripled in recent years. “This disease is growing incredibly and something really needs to be done about it,” Fitzpatrick said.The foundation funds research and offers outreach programs, including mentors for families just diagnosed and support groups.“That beginning time is extremely difficult for the whole family,” she said. “It’s a huge learning curve.”Suddenly families have to deal with regular blood testing, injections, a strict diet, and the constant worry about blood sugar levels.“It’s a really fine balancing act,” Fitzpatrick said. That’s how life feels in the Ermel home since Emma’s diagnosis. Amy thought something was wrong with Emma when her daughter was unusually thirsty, and going to the bathroom more. She suspected a bladder infection, but tests showed Emma had diabetes — and her blood sugar level was very high. Even a few days more without treatment, Amy was told, and Emma could have become seriously ill. Then Amy and her husband Shawn Ermel were bombarded with information on managing Emma’s diabetes. Four times a day Emma gets insulin injections, usually in her arms or belly, and her blood is tested regularly throughout the day. Amy frets over all the many factors that can cause Emma’s blood sugar level to fluctuate, even just the excitement of her junior kindergarten class.“It’s getting easier, but it’s never a thing where you can just sit down and take a breath.” email@example.comDiabetes factsMore than two million Canadians have diabetes.Type 1, usually diagnosed in children and adolescents, accounts for about one in ten cases of diabetes. Type 2 diabetes usually develops in adulthood, although increasing numbers of children in high-risk populations are being diagnosed.Gestational diabetes is a temporary condition that occurs during pregnancy.Diabetes is a chronic, serious condition. If left untreated or improperly managed, diabetes can result in a variety of complications including heart, kidney and eye problems, and nerve damage.Symptoms of diabetes include: unusual thirst, frequent urination, weight change, extreme fatigue, blurred vision, frequent infections, and tingling in the hands or feet.Scientists believe lifestyle changes can help prevent or delay the onset of Type 2 diabetes. A healthy meal plan, weight control and physical activity are important prevention steps.Source: Canadian Diabetes Association, www.diabetes.ca
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I went to my appointment today. Of course, my surgery was postponed and all I got was some fillings done. I was such a mess that the doctor said that he will have to send me to a specialist.
I was so wound up about the whole thing, I really just want to get it over with.
The good news is that Shawn hasn't left town yet and he was able to go with me.
No news other than that. Still feel cruddy from the nitrous, but otherwise ok.
How was your day?
Monday, November 10, 2008
He is going out of town to do some work for family. My family. Not the blood kind, but the kind that you choose because they are so great. He will be staying with them for the duration....
He assures me that he will be on his best behaviour.
I have dental surgery on Wednesday. I don't mind telling you that I am scared outta my mind. I am petrified of the dentist, and I always need laughing gas.
Never makes me laugh.
Since Shawn will be gone and KC and Kayla are in school, I will have see if Spencer will pick me up on his day off. I will be a big mess and plan on spending the rest of the day in bed.
Things are fairly normal here otherwise. I like normal - well, our version of normal, anyway.
Jessica is healthy and happy (and turning 14 next month), KC loves school, Kayla and Cody are surviving in the same house without killing each other, and Christmas is coming.
Oh yeah, life is good :)
Monday, November 03, 2008
Oh, not Santa, Shawn!
In the meanwhile, I am sneaking little Christmas-y things out bit by bit.
Santa and Clarice, with Rudolph, and my new ornaments, including my Bumble.
There are some not-so-new ones, like Gary, my inflatable Ginger Bread man. The kids hate Gary. I have no idea why. He waves happily to them whenever they walk by.
Poor Gary. Look how happy he is.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Happy Halloween everyone!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I thought that I would throw in a photo of Shawn and I. There aren't too many photos of me wearing actual clothes (as opposed to sleep pants and nighties) and as a bonus, I am smiling here, not looking special needs with my eyes closed or drooling.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Thank you so much for the quality time that Shawn and I have been allocated due to your thoughtlessness. We will now have many hours together thanks to the fact that you have stolen all of Shawns drywall tools. I do mean all. Two extra large hockey bags full of thousands of dollars worth of tools, some that we will never be ale to replace.
I am just curious....What are you going to do with a fall arrest system that is made for someone Shawns size? I hope that you have fun with it. It took us three years and $200 to find one in the size we needed.
We only recently replaced the tool belt - also a speciality item - and all of his tool pouches. It took us so long to replace everything because we have to save our money to pay for these things. By the time Shawn pays his expenses every month, we are lucky to have enough to go around for the basics in the house....
Those hockey bags were $50 each, as well. They are pretty dirty, so I doubt that you can use them for anything. Drywall dust seldom comes out of hockey bags and leather pouches.
You must have needed 6 industrial extention cords, too. They are fairly unsightly for use in the house, but you must have really needed them.
I bet that you will have a blast with the $700 laser level, too. Oh, the hours of entertainment!
Thank you, Asshats. Thanks to you, Shawn is unable to work until we replace his tools. Unfortunately, we don't have thousands of dollars sitting around to buy new tools.
You can see our dilemma. No tools = no work. No work = no money. No money = no tools.
I am still stunned. This will set us back for years to come. I hope that you will sleep soundly in your beds tonight, knowing that you have just ruined us.
I for one, will not be sleeping much at all.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I am so behind with everyone. I have missed so much and I have missed all of my friends so much!
Last weekend, Shawn, KC, Spencer and I went to see my family in Windsor. I have an aunt there, my Dad's baby sister, and her family. There is only 7 years between my Aunt Beth and I, so she really is my Dad's baby sis. She is awesome. I love her husband, my Uncle Jeff, and my Grandmother lives there, as well. My lil cousin Kristy just had a baby of her own, and I could not get enough of her. I gotta say, we make gorgeous babies in our family. Must be the good genes.
The visit was too short and I always come away wanting more..more family time, more great memories, more hugs. It was an incredible reunion. Shawn had never met my aunt and uncle, or my Grandmother. We have been together 7 years and I think that my aunt was starting to question whether or not Shawn was real or just a figment of my imagination. Those of you that know Shawn know that never in my wildest imagination could I dream up Shawn.
The boys all went fishing in Lake Erie, which is a 2 minute drive from the house. My aunt, KC and I went to see the vineyard where cousin Kristy's husband works and who do we meet there?
None other than Mr. Hockey himself, Gordie Howe. Of course, my camera was with Shawn, cuz you gotta get photos of the fish. When the boys stopped there later, they didn't bother with photos, either. Mind you, I have about 15 photos of my cousins vintage 'vette, from every angle. No Gordie Howe, but fish and a 'vette.
I miss my family already and it has only been a week.
I got some kind of cold/flu when we went south last week. I missed my dental surgery that Monday. Now, I am a huge dental-phob (must be a word for that, but I don't know what it is) and now that I have to rebook the appointment, I will be obsessing about it for another couple of weeks. I need work on ALL BUT ONE of my teeth. I can't put my kids through school, but that dentist is gonna be able to put his through school no problem.
Shawn had family here from Hungary,and I missed out on meeting them, as well. I am kind of bummed about that, because I was so looking forward to meeting his cousins. I couldn't infect people that came half way around the world with my weird illness.
KC is starting school again next week. I am so proud of her. She hasn't been able to find any (paying) work in advertising, so she has decided to try her hand at...wait for it....
Dental assisting! LOL. My biggest fear come to life!
I know that she will kick ass at this. She looks so cute in her scrubs and she is going to the same school that I went to when I took my PSW course. Kayla is thinking of taking a course there next year when she graduates.
We had our Thanksgiving meal today. Shawn and KC made sooo much food. I am still stuffed, some 10 hours later. After dinner, we all watched Hocus Pocus, the girls' fav Hallowe'en movie.
As much as my family is growing and changing, it's nice to know that some of the old favourites will never change.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I am not ready to talk about Jessica. Things might not be as bad as I think, but I don't want to talk about it or even dwell on it. I am afraid of jinxing it. For now, she is ok. Well, her boyfriend broke up with her in a text message, but other than that, she is fine.
The concert was incredible. Beyond anything that I could have imagined. Kayla and I had a great time together in Toronto. We spent the day after the concert window shopping and hanging out with KC and Spencer. I love Toronto! We took a pile of photos, but since my pc is still a mess, I haven't been able to download any yet.
I got a card in the mail last week from my blog buddy, Whim. It was handwritten and I can't tell you how wonderful it was to get a real card. I nearly cried when I read it, but I held it together, barely.
Something else happened last week. I can't get into too many details, but we very nearly had one less family family member on Shawns side of the family. One of his nephews was actually stabbed with a screwdriver.
I am not sure if it was because of my meds situation (or lack there of right now) or a serious case of family loyalty, but my reaction to A's stabbing affected me in a way that I shocked even me. I felt an overwhelming need for vengeance and it scared the f**k outta me. I very nearly did something that would have changed the course of many lives - forever.
Geoff is a Major stressor for me right now, too. He refuses to help out at all with Jessica and her braces, but he has money to fly off to Cuba? I have asked him for $1000 and the total is estimated to be about 8 grand. Even with his second job, he is too broke to help. Maybe they are flying there on Steffanie's broom stick and saving money that way. I'll have to ask her what kind of mileage she gets.
I am off my meds. I don't have any left, other than my sleepers, which are not working anymore. I seem unable to do what it is I need to do to get more meds. I seem unable to do anything right now, except to be angry. Life is not much fun right now. For me, or those around me.
Argh. I am not going to whine here, not today. I am just telling it like it is. I know that things could be worse and I am trying to focus on that....The fact that things could be, and have been worse.
I am going to see my Grandmother on Sunday. She lives about 4 hours away and because we don't have a car, getting to Windsor is no easy feat. Spencer is driving us on the weekend and this will be the first time that Shawn will meet my Dad's side of the family.
Hopefully, I will be around more this week. I have missed you all.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Speaking of Kayla, she brought home a kitten. Need I say more?
Jessica saw her Doc today. It was bad news. I am feeling completely drained, tight chested, and overwhelmed. I really thought that she was on the right track. Now, I am not so sure of anything.
Monday, September 08, 2008
I went to see my shrink, and he put me on a new drug - Cymbalta. I am still on Wellbutrin, too, but this is supposed to make some drastic change for me. So far, all it has done is upset my tummy and make me sleepy. I will stick with it, though. After all, what have I got to lose?
The girls are back in school. This means that I finally have the house to myself again during the day. Whoo Hoo! I like having the kids home, but by September, I am usually ready for some alone time.
I had an interesting phone call last week. A guy from a talent agency- Jerry - called to inquire about Jessica. KC had given Jessica's name and info to his place of business (Hollywood something or other) and he called us within a day or two. Jerry wants to represent Jessica and get her some auditions...he mentioned lots of companies and tv shows (Disney, Universal, Nickelodeon,Fox, and Hannah Montana). I just about fainted when he called. He wants her to get head shots and start going on auditions immediately.
Poor Jessica. She had absolutely no idea that KC had even sent her name in anywhere. I think that she is too shy for that kind of thing. It is kind of cool though, and very appealing, but I don't think that it is something we will pursue.
In other news, our household has a new member. Cody, Kayla's boyfriend has moved in. His mom bought a house out of town, and he wanted to finish his last year of high school with his friends.
I was reluctant to agree to this arrangement, at first. I mean, aside from the obvious (boyfriend/girlfriend thing) there is the whole privacy issue. I am a freak and I love my privacy. Some days I am in my nightie until close to 3:00. Then, there is the whole mental health problem. I cry - a lot. I stay in my room - a lot. I don't clean up some days, or make dinner or do anything.
So far, it has been fine. Cody fits right in with the family and we love having him here. Kayla and Cody are seeing that it is not always mirth and laughter to live with your better half. In fact, they are getting on each others nerves more often then not.
Shawn has a new buddy now, too. He and Cody are getting on famously, and it something that I think has been lacking for both of them. Cody needed a father figure,and Shawn needed another male in the house. Before Cody, estrogen was practically dripping off of the walls here.
Our Big Trip to Toronto is almost here, too. With any luck, we will be spending the night in Toronto after the NKOTB concert. Shawn and I have never had a vacation, and we have never stayed in a decent hotel, either.
It seems fitting that our first night away should fall on our anniversay.
Yup, seven years.
It seems like only yesterday, and yet, in some ways, it feels like we have always been together.
Oh, I almost forgot the best news of all!
The A-Team is on everyday at 3:00.
I love it when a plan comes together :)
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Well, it isn't just about being my sister. It's more than that.
When I was 11, I found out from my Nannie (Betty's Mom) that I had a long lost sister. I guess that Lucky was supposed to be a family secret. My Nannie wasn't very good with secrets, and once she told me, I blew it all out of the water. I would not, could not, forget about my sister. In my minds eye, I could see her.....Beautiful, and funny, intelligent and kind, she would welcome me with open arms.
My search took many different pathways, and many, many years. I made phone calls, took out ads in newspapers, and once, I even did a radio interview. I was scared out of mind, but I keep thinking that this radio interview could change it all. It might help me find my sister.
It didn't. It would be another ten years until I got my first email from Lucky.
We seemed to hit it off right away. I found out that she was married, with 2 kids. Two kids! That made me an aunt. To say that I was overjoyed would be putting it mildly. I was beyond blissful....I honestly can't think of a way to describe my feelings.
Lucky and I made plans to meet in July of 2002. I had seen photos of Lucky, but even if I hadn't, I would have known her anywhere. She was everything that I had dreamed of since I was 11. No, that's not true, either. Lucky was extra, better, more, than I could have ever have fantasied about.
Lucky and I are as close as any two sisters. She has enriched my life in so many ways. I can tell her anything, and I do. If we lived close, we would always be together. As it is now, even though we live far apart, I don't feel faraway from her. All I need to do is pick up the phone, and my sister is there.
Lucky and I share many secrets, but she is no longer one of them. I think that I should call myself Lucky, for having her in my life.
I Love you, Kelly.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Kristy Swanson, the original "Buffy," with Kayla. She was sweet, talkative, and seemed to really enjoy her fans.
Kayla and Henry Winkler. What can I say about him? We LOVED him! Look at him moving in on Kayla there! He made her positively giddy,and, he said that it was a pleasure to meet me! What??! A pleasure to meet ME?? He took the words right out of my mouth! I had a whole dialogue in my head while we were standing in line to meet him. Oh yeah, I was gonna be all cool and talk about his work....Yeah, right. I stammered something about ...well, I can't remember actually. What I do recall is that he kissed me!
To my credit, I did not scream ( I have a habit of freaking out when I meet celebs), but I thought that I might faint.
That may have made me unforgettable!
I also ran right into Shawnee Smith (Saw, Becker). I mean bumped right into her. Literally. Of course, I made a fool out of myself, but she was very gracious. I also saw Sid Haig, Tobe Hooper, Kate Mulgrew, Sean Astin, Rene O'Connor, Brent Spiner, and Wes Craven (although I couldn't get close enough to him for a photo). What's his name that plays Lex Luther on Smallville was there, too. I gotta say, with hair and eyebrows, he is HOT. Buzz Aldren was there, to, but they must have had him hidden behind a curtain like The Great Oz, cuz we couldn't find him. Photos with him were $200, a bit out of my price range.
Idol worship ain't cheap these days.
That's why I'm saving my pennies for next year.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Well, he recently got his first home pc and I sent him his very first email.
Me: So, you have an email now? Right on...Now you will never get rid of me :) Biddie x
TMOC: You are harder to lose than the ebola virus,but I love you.
Let`s hear it for brotherly love! LOL
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Of course, with TMOC married and living in another province, we don't get to see each other very often. It was difficult at first....He was ingrained in my life, I felt lost with out him.
I guess that if I have to pick something, or rather, someone, that changed my life, TMOC is at the top of the list. I can not imagine my childhood, my life, without him.
Here's to you, Steve, and I know that you did it!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Whew! We go back in another month, on the 15 of September (3 days before New Kids On The Block) to check her AIC and do routine blood work.
I can not tell you how relived we are!
Life is great.
Jessica and I are going to the hospital to see her diabetic nurse and the social worker. I am a bit freaked out because we were just there last month and she was doing so much better than ever before.
The social worker doesn't mean anything, really, we see her every time that we go.....It's the visit in general that has me worried. I want Jessica to have a better year than she did this year....She became ill last October and it carried on into 2008. I am hoping that this school year she will excel in every possible way.
I am just questioning whether or not this is a check up, or there is more bad news waiting.
I'm not going to get any sleep tonight.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Mum's backyard in Nova Scotia.
My cousin T took her neice to Nova Scotia for a week this summer. I wanted so badly to stow away with them, I miss the ocean and my friends more than words can articulate. I need to smell the ocean, I need to hug Heather tight, and meet her kids. I feel an urgency to visit all of my old haunts, and to spend a late night laughing with my brother and sister in law.
I try to put Betty and Stan out of mind. I usually do.
Then, T and her niece posted photos on facebook that maade my heart skip a beat and made me feel so melancholy that I am afraid that I will never be the same again.
My Mum and I have always had a noxious relationship. She has resented me from the day that I was born. She married my father to keep my older brother, TMOC out of a foster home, and because, back in 66, you just didn't live on your own with a kid. He was a way out for her, and he loved her more than life itself.
Stan, fishing in his yard.
By the time I was three, the marriage was over and my mum was gone, moved away with our next door neighbour, leaving four little kids without a parent...My aunt Josie, Betty's sister took care of me for about three weeks while my Dad got his life in order. My aunt Josie would later tell me that I cried for the whole three weeks, asking when my Mum was coming back.
She never did. I still saw most of her family, but I seldom saw Betty. When I did, it was usually a horrific visit. She would send me to my room for the slightest infraction ( drinking the last of the milk from my cereal bowl was an instant time out). I hated the apartment, I hated my step father (It would later be revealed that he had been abusing me most of my childhood), and I hated sharing Christmas with my new step brothers, the kids that used to live next door to me. She was gone so often that I couldn't tell the difference between her and my aunt Jackie.
Mum, in her kitchen August 2008
Worst of all, her visitation was hit and miss. I might not see her for weeks, or even months, and then she would reappear, just when I was finally adjusting to life without her.
She moved to Nova Scotia when I was 11, leaving me and TMOC behind.
I saw her twice in the years between 12 and 15. The summer of my 15 th year, I was sent to stay with her and Stan. I was angry, sullen and resentful.
It was a disaster.
Twenty days before I turned 16, I was sent on a 'visit' to her house. When I asked when I would coming home, my father informed me that I was now a permanent resident of Dartmouth.
I loved my Mum. I did. Her expectations were unattainable for me. Straight A's in school - something that I had never gotten in my life. I was expected to be something that I had never been...Her perfect, Miss Teen. The punked out teen that she picked up at the airport was not what she had envisioned.
Things only got worse....She and Stan had a drinking problem. They humiliated me at every turn. She thought that I was the little 3 year old that she had left all those years ago.
Hah. She could not have been more wrong.
On a warm June afternoon, I ran away from home,and never returned. I was 1o days shy of my 17 th birthday. I had all that I could take of the drinking, and the abuse. I was tired of hiding bruises and trying to be someone that I could never be.
Fast forward 20 + years, and nothing much has changed. We argue and then make up. We scream and cry and then profess our love for each other...Until now.
Betty refuses to speak with me. Or my kids. She does everything in the world for my brother, who can do no wrong in her eyes. No matter how badly he screws up, he has her undying love and affection. TMOC gets married and he is a
My 1st wedding she created a scene and almost ruined everything.
He finishes hair dressing school (she helped him out during that time) and he is big man on campus.
I graduted from my PSW course, second in the class with honours, and I don't even get a phone call.
My Dad dies and again, not so much as a phone call.
TMOC's bio Dad dies and Betty practically writes a novel telling everyone how great he was. She gave TMOC money to get to Ontario and payed his way for the whole trip.
TMOC and I get along very well, until we start discussing our parents. We actually stopped speaking for a year once, because of Betty.
Now? He is a frequent vacationer at her country home.
I had never even seen photos until my cousin posted her photos.
I had no idea that seeing those photos would bother me so much. I thought that I was dealing with the rejection just fine. I really thought that Betty was out of my head, finally.
The truth is, I am 39 and I still crave my Mums love, acceptance and affection. I see photos of her and it all comes flooding back.
I become that little 3 year old girl, yearning for her Mommy.
I doubt that will ever change.
I just need to find a way to live with it.
Monday, August 04, 2008
That's right - 19 years ago today Rudi and I were married. I was 20 and he was even younger. We gave in to pressure from my family and decided to get married, because, we were, after all, living in sin with our toddler daughter.
It's a story that you have all heard before. From me, I mean. I have already told that story. Been there, done that.
What I was thinking of today was not the wedding itself, but how much my life has changed in the 19 years since I walked down that aisle, a 2o year old bride, full of hope.
It didn't take long for Rudi to pound the hope right out of me.
I am 39 now, twice divorced and once again, living in sin. We don't own our home, we owe money to everyone and their uncle, and we don't own much.
Rudi is married to the woman that he was cheating on me with. They are living un-happily ever after in Woodstock. They own 10+ acres of land, a big house, 2 Harleys and 3 cars. He is living his dream life in many ways. Well, he hasn't seen his own girls in years and his step kids, that lived with him for 15 years moved away and have little to do with him....Hmmm, maybe that IS part of his dream.
As I sit here, tonight, in my rented home, on a borrowed computer, with my butt on an old orange chair, I realize something.
This is where I want to be.
Rudi can have his toys and gadgets, his fancy cars and big house.
I have something that I had been looking for since I was 20 and I marched defiantly down the middle of my little church in Smallburg.
Real, honest, forever love.
Happy Unversary, Rudi, where ever you are.
Friday, August 01, 2008
I got a way cool award from CindyDianne, and I will pass it along soon. I am so jazzed about getting another award. I always feel as though I am not worthy, like all of my blog buddies deserve it more than I do.
Not much new around here. We are having some major construction on our street this month, and we had to have some yahoo from the city come in and do an 'inspection'
I say it like that because all he did was take a quick tour of the house and take one photo from each room. He didn't even go into all of the basement rooms, or the sunroom. For this, I fretted for days about someone coming in. Of course, that means that The Germanators think that they are going to be wandering around my house, too. Erwin showed up three hours before the inspection and tried to force his way in. These people refuse to respect out privacy and think that they can come in any time.
I didn't let him in.
I watched The Lost Boys 2- The Tribe on Tuesday. You know that I was at the store asap to pick up my copy. It was ok but I was disappointed, because, as usual, I expected too much. Angus Sutherland is a poor mans Keifer Sutherland and Corey Feldmans acting was just plain painful. Still, I got my vampire fix and it was a good distraction from the nosey Germanators.
Shawn and I went to see Dark Knight last week. He was calling it Dark Day and Knight, because it was so long. He also mentioned something about do pilates before hand, so that he wouldn't need medical help to get out of the seat after the movie. I think that I liked the previous one better.
Tonight is date night and I think that we might see Step Brothers.I have a sassy new hair cut and a wild new colour - vampire red. Time to paint the town red, I think. I might go for purple, next week. Gotta mix it up and keep Shawn on his toes.
Have a great weekend. Hope it rocks.
Monday, July 21, 2008
I loved the actors and they all gave it the old college try when it came to the soundtrack. I must admit, it was odd to see a former James Bond singing and dancing to ABBA.
I think that my favourite part of the whole night was when we getting ready to leave.
Three women that had been sitting in the row across from us were discussing the film, as they watched the credits roll. One woman turns to the other two and exclaims
Oh My Gawd. I totally knew that these songs all sounded like ABBA.
Nuff said. It made my night :)