Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year. 2011

There are mere hours left until we start a new year - a new decade - and I am actually looking forward to a new year rather than facing it with dread.
I can remember New Year's Eve as we bid farewell to the 70's. My brother, his bff, a bottle of coke and Dick Clark. I had no idea that the new decade would bring so many changes and heart break. I was 11 years old and thought that life was all unicorns and lollipops.
I can recall heading into the 90's (with husband #1) and the new millennium (with #2).
This year, maybe because I am with husband #3 (third time is the charm) or because I have a brand spanking new adorable grandson, I am feeling remarkably positive about this new decade.
Who am I fooling? It is probably the meds :)
Whatever the case, I am spending time with my family tonight and then having a buffet dinner with more loved ones tomorrow. I can't think of a better way to start the new year.

Happy New Year, friends. See you in 2011!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

New Year, New Resolutions

I try not make New Year's Resolutions, because, honestly, I never stick with them. Oh you know, the first day, or maybe even week, I do my best to follow my self imposed new rules. Eventually, since they are self imposed, I usually decide to break my own rules and give up.
This year, I am only making one - to get back into the blog world and start writing again.
It doesn't have to be epic, it just has to be me writing my thoughts, my dreams, about my dull ass life, whatever.
Writing is something that doesn't come easily to me anymore. I am not sure if it is the racing thoughts that come with my bi polar/anxiety mood disorder, or the meds that I take for the disorder. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Still, I need to write. The words, thoughts, the urge, is a part of me that I need to acknowledge. So, 2011 will see more of me, my moods, my kids, grandkid, my life in general. I hope that my old friends will be back and I will make some new ones along the way. Christmas Day, Cody, Kayla and Landon. The new family.

Lola, playing in the wrapping paper. Even the pets had a good Christmas.

I LOVE this! I found this Sesame Street Play'n Go Rider. It was brand new, in the box, circa 1986. It will be a little while before Landon can actually ride it, but I can admire it in the meantime.

Christmas was incredible. I don't know if there is anything better (for me) then spending time with my family, eating, laughing, and enjoying each others' company. Maybe that will be my second New Year's Resolution. More time spent with family. That one should be easy enough to keep :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Happy Birthday, Sweet 16

Happy Birthday, Jessica Lynn. How serendipitous that you are turning 16 on the 16th of December. This is going to be a great year for you, I just know it.
You have brought my life moments of profound joy and uncountable hours of laughter, amazement, and sheer happiness. Your birth enriched the lives of many people, more than you may know.

I have loved you since the day that you were no more than a thought. I have seen you struggle with your health and other issues and you have never complained. I am proud beyond words and my love is deeper than the vastest oceans and seas.
You are my Molly Dolly, my Jesser, my Noodle.
Happy Birthday, my sweet 16.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

dear asshats

Dear Stalker-Hacker-Asshat:
You have been hacking into my accounts and using my name for years now. It will not stop me from blogging, speaking my mind, and being the real Bridget Steeves (Allen) Biddie(girl).
There are many other pastimes that you might enjoy equally as much..With your stunning intellect, I suggest starting with something simple - like counting your fingers and watching the Tree House channel.
Mind your own business, take care of your own kids, worry about your own life and stay out of mine.
Thank you-

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Monday, December 06, 2010

This is what has been happening in my life the past (almost) 2 weeks. This little guy with the messy head has stolen my heart.
He is the spitting image of his mom, yet he looks like his dad, too. He also resembles my Dad - not in a Benjamin Button way - but rather he looks like my father did when he was young.
Landon (or Lando, as I call him) changed my world. He has changed the world of many people, I suspect. He brought joy to Shawn's mom on Sunday when he was the guest of honour at Oma's birthday party.
Seriously, it was like a celebrity was in the house. He is slowly making friends with his cousin Ryder, who at a year and a half, is not quite ready to pass the 'baby' torch. At one point, Ryder was showing everyone his finger, where Landon had bitten him in an unprovoked attack.
Kayla is doing an imcredible job as mommy. I am so proud of her.

There is more to my life than just Landon, though.

Jessica turns 16 on the 16 th. She does not want a party, or any kind of fuss. I still haven't decided what to get her, and her big day is quickly approaching.
Christmas is just around the corner too and *gasp* my village is nowhere to be seen. It is still in the basement, gathering dust.
This Nana gig takes more time then I ever thought that it would, but I am loving every minute of it!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Life in Photos, Wednesday, November 24

Meet my grandson, Landon, and his mom and dad. He is about one hour old here.
You can still see the marks from the forceps, but otherwise? Perfect!

Landon meeting his great grandma Lynn.

Mommy and Baby. What could be more beautiful.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sunday, In Photos.

This is my Kayla on November 21 st, at her babyshower. She is uncomfortable, and tired, and in this photo, overwhelmed and overheated. She still looks great to me. This is the million dollar cake that we bought to feed the guests and welcome our newest family memeber. He will be here soon, I just know it.
This beautiful lady is my grandmother, Kayla`s great grandmother, Landon`s great, GREAT grandmother. She travelled 3 hours to be here with us.

It was a crazy, busy, funtastic day. Now, it feels really real!

Sunday, November 07, 2010

The Final Countdown.

I can hardly believe that I have about 4 weeks until the wee one arrives. I look back on the past few months with awe. At times the days passed soo slowly, and yet suddenly, here we are, just a few weeks shy of Landon's arrival.
Kayla has been feeling fine - well, if fine is huge and tired - and is so ready to hold her little one tight.
This child has been the catalyst for so much change and he is not even here yet. I credit Landon for giving me the strength to call my Mum and tell her that she was going to be a great grandma. We had not spoken in years and even though I had a lot of anger towards her, all I really wanted was her love and approval.
I am sad to say that we wasted so many years, but beyond happy to tell you that we finally have what is shaping up to be a 'normal' relationship. At 41, and a month away from becoming a grandmother, I have my own mother in my life.
As for my step mother...I doubt if she even knows that Kayla is expecting. Oh, who am I kidding? Everyone has facebook and she has probably heard the news. I have not heard from her, though, and honestly? I am good with that. Sometimes you have to slough off the crap, and that is what I am doing.
It's not about anger anymore. I just don't see what she or any of the others from that side of the 'family' have to offer to my kids, or my grandson for that matter.
I only want positive people in Landon's life, so I guess that leaves Mission Mary out in the cold.

My sister in law was here last month and I think that she may have seen a little bit of the 'real' me. I can hide my crazy ass ways when people only see me at family gatherings, or for small periods of time. My SIL actually spent two nights here. Gah.
I love her so much and she is just about the sweetest person that I know. We have silly fun days out at the second hand stores or just hanging at the house. I mean, she is awesome.
And I was stressed beyond the max. I sleep schedules are all screwed up, I can barely function like a person should - cooking, cleaning, all of that - and I am a big moody mess sometimes. I hope that her stay wasn't marred by my mental madness.

Jessica will be 16 next month, right about the time that Landon is due. I want to make a big deal out of her sweet sixteen, but the timing could not be worse. You never know with Jess anyway. She may very well prefer a quiet night with her boyfriend to a big party and all of that hoopla.

Speaking of grandmothers and hoopla - it is getting too late for this old lady.
Talk to ya'll soon.

Biddie x

Monday, October 11, 2010

I just haven't felt like blogging recently. A couple of years ago it was a huge part of my life. While I still have the wonderful friends that I found through my blog, I don't share my daily goings on.
My depression has been deep and dark, for reasons known only to my misfiring brain. I do have some weighty issues on my mind, but that in itself is not the problem.
I find myself laying (lying??) awake at night, obsessing about so many different things. My heart is heavy at the thought that Kayla's childhood is gone. At 19 it was anyway, but this makes everything so final. It feels too soon, too fast, too much. Not the baby itself, but the way in which time passes.
On the other hand, I am rejoicing at the arrival of my grandson, who will be here in less then two months! I see little boys in strollers and my heart sings, knowing that soon enough I will have a wee little boy to hold and love.
Many of my days this past month or so have been spent in my room, on my bed. Not sleeping, but not not sleeping.
I am enjoying a healthier relationship with my Mum that ever before. I still watch what I say - I want to believe that this is all real, but I am cautious. I do love her, and now I can tell her that.
My sister in law is coming for a much anticipated visit. This gives me the kick in the ass that I need to get the house in order. Plus, she is just about the sweetest person that I know.
Ok, just babbling now. I had to write, just write something. For the first time in years I can actually read a book. Is that a side effect of sleeplessness and all of my morose moods?
If it is, then that is one less thing to complain about.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

What would YOU do for love?

What would you do for love? Would you search 22 years for a sister that you had never met but loved just the same? Would you travel a thousand miles to be with her if she phoned you, crying, because she wanted to see you one more time before she died?
Would you fight off the panic, the anxiety, the terrror that you feel just thinking about getting on a plane and flying to another country, and actually do it?
Would you give your sister, a part of you? A lung, liver, anything that she needed to see her next birthday?

Maybe, just maybe, this is why we found each other. Maybe, just maybe, I was born to do this.

All I know is, I have to try.
I love my sister too much not to.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Bi My Sci Fi Con

The main reason for our trip this year was this guy, James Marsters. You know, Spike from BTVS. We had a couple of sightings, but, we never actually got to meet him.
Any of you 'Supernatural' fans out there?? Well, here it is, Dean's car. Sadly, there was no Dean, and no Sam. Now this guy made my day. Ernest Borgnine. He is 93. Can you believe that sh*t? He was in the original Posiedon, Marty, Airwolf, and the younger fans might know him from Sponge Bob. He is the voice of MerMan. He was a true gentleman, and I was honoured to have met him.

This is a bit blurry cuz we were on the move, but that is Darth Vader using the ATM.

Kayla got to meet Adam West. We did get an autographed photo, but his security guard wasn't letting anyone with a camera near him. Surprisingly, I was not tongue tied and I did not freak out. I have loved Adam West my whole life. My brother and I actually broke a floor model tv playing "Batman and Robin" when we were kids.
Good times, good times.
No word yet on who will be there next year. Not that it relly matters, I am sure that we will once again line up two blocks away, fight our way through the crowds, pay too much for food and have the time of our lives.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Glynne Gladstone.
Friend, confidante, laywer, and history maker.
You will be missed.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

It's Like This

Just a few random thoughts that are fluttering about in my head -

You have to be FATHER before you can be a GRANDfather. Think about it.

Some people are real bozo's when they booze. Put the beer/rum/vodka/whiskey DOWN and drink some water. You might like it.

Taking someone out to supper or making them a table in arts n crafts does NOT make up for years of neglect and/or abuse.

I have the best and coolest friends in the world.

Forgiveness can be a difficult and loong process. I am still working on it.

I may not be married in the conventional way - church-preacher-signed on the dotted line way, but I feel more married to Shawn than I ever did to Rudi or Geoff.

I hate, I mean HATE that I have all sorts of 'issues' that run my life.

I am so tired of explaining to people why I don't have a job. If it were your business, you would know and there would be no reason to ask.

My father has been gone for 11 years and I still dream about him almost every night.

My head is more cluttered than my house.

My blog buddies know me better than most of the people that are related to me, and I am ok with that.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I saw my shrink today. It was a good visit - he gave me a whole 3 minutes or of his complete and undivided attention, before turning to his computer monitor and watching a video on YouTube.
I also had an interesting phone call this evening. A friend/family member that I have not heard from in quite some time called me out of the blue. This person and I were once very close, but metal illness (hers), divorce (mine) and physical distance all took its tool on our friendship.
She has been homeless at times, in care at others, and just plain lost. Mental illness messed her up but good....
When she called today she told me that she has a good relationship with her daughters, holds down a job at Wal-Mart, and was incredibly lucid and focused on the phone.
Or, so I thought....She went on to tell me about a Christmas with her family a few years back and that she made the dress herself.
Wonderful! Except for one thing.
It was a wedding dress...
I am not poking fun at her. I am honestly not. I just feel so awful for her and I am thanking my lucky stars that I am bi polar, and not suffering from a worse , more debilitating illness.
Jessica and I were at the ER twice in two days this week. She had an infection that spiked her blood sugar and made her feel all around just miserable. We got some anti biotics and headed off for home. The 2nd night, it a new problem, a new pain, and x rays.
It looks as though everything will be ok and the pain is temporary.
Thank goodness. I really didn't her to spend her last two weeks of vacay in the hospital.
Speaking of vacay - Two more weeks and us girls are off to the FAN EXPO!
William Shatner, Adam West, Burt Ward, James Marsters, AND the original Bat mobile from the TV series will be there.
I am one happy geek!
I know that I have been neglecting my blog buddies, and I promise to make my rounds in the next few days.
I have to see what you all have been doing!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

One of the many things that I hate about being bi polar - Sitting up at 4:26 am because my brain simply refuses to shut down for even a few moments.
Nothing like racing thoughts in the wee hours of the morning.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Boy OH Boy!

Well, the ultrasound was on Wednesday and we found out that Kayla is having a BOY!
I am one happy Nanie-to-be :)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Once again I have neglected my blog. I just don't seem to have the drive to do much of anything these days. I am taking my meds and I see my shrink next month, but I am on a down swing, I guess.
Down swing or not, I hauled my butt out of bed at 6 am on Friday morning to go babysitting with Kayla. We weren't paid in cash, but traded a baby mattress for our work. It was worth it. We babysat a 2 1/2 year old energetic little boy. Did I say energetic? That would be an understatement to say the least.
Oh, did I also mention the rather large dog that was part of the arrangement? She was rather big - not heavy, but about 2 inches taller than Kayla while standing on her hind legs. Did I also mention that she was so protective of the boy that we could barely get in and out of his room? Even sharing my breakfast muffin only earned me about thismuch trust.
I had forgotten how your (my) body feels after lifting, running, and playing with a 2 year old for 6 hours.
My day was far from over after the day care portion. Oh no, KC and I had errands to run which can take hours when you are going by bus and foot power. Since our errands took us to the pharmacy directly across from Toys R Us, I had to stop in. With KC as an Auntie this baby will want for nothing, I can tell you that much.
Speaking of the baby, we will find in just a few more days if I will have a grand daughter or grandson. I am hoping for a girl, partly because will be named after my Nanie, the one that helped to raise me, my Dad's mom.
It doesn't matter either way. A boy will be loved just as much.

There is so much happening right now, aside from becoming a grandma. Shawn's health issues have not gotten any better, they are actually worse than ever. The pain treatments are living up to their name - it hurts like hell. He is Check Spellingnot feeling any relief and we are struggling to make ends meet, never mind paying for these treatments that are so far doing nothing. Worse than nothing, really.
I am trying to stay positive, I honestly am. I just feel constantly overwhelmed and it seems as though my chest pain is always there, nagging and consistent.
The good news is that Kayla is doing well. She looks wonderful, and the baby is fine. KC is going to Nova Scotia at the end of the month for a week to visit my brother. I wish that I were going too, but this is the next best thing. Jessica got her report card and she not only passed everything, but she actually did quite well. I am so proud of her.

I know that there have been worse things happen to me - to my friends and family - but right now I can't deal. I am doing my best to look at what I have instead of what I don't, but it is becoming more difficult everyday.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Today, I finally heard the baby's heartbeat.
It is so real now, and I am so in love with this little person that I haven't even met yet.
There will be another ultrsound on the 21 st and that will tell us if we are having a boy or a girl...Either way, I am love struck.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Did Ya Miss Me?

Hell, yes! It has been 15 years since I last saw The Forgotten Rebels. The last time I went, I was almost 26, I had a year old baby at home, and KC was disappointed that she couldn't go with me. Yup that's my lil punk rock girl. She grew up listening to Adam Ant, Billy Idol, Stray Cats and The Forgotten Rebels.
How serendipitous was it that The Rebels just happened to be in K-Town on my 40+1 birthday? I was finally able to keep a loong ago promise to my first born.
We saw The Forgotten Rebels and they kicked ass! Speaking of kicking, how do like my new kicks? They were a birthday gift from KC along with the Rebels night out, and a ton of other things...New clothes, a night out at the movies....I was most definitely spoiled. Not like I am complaining :)

Lookie here. Another dream of KC's - she met the band members and had a photo op. Not such a big deal for me. I met them years ago when my brother was still in the punk scene,

That sweaty guy in the middle is Mickey DeSadest has been doing lead vocals since 1977. I tell ya, he still has it.

I LOVE this photo. It's perfect.
Of course, I can't go to a punk event without running into someone that remembers me, or more likely my brother. He was a real mover and shaker back in the day.

Here is KC standing between a very happy looking Dan and the Bass player, Shawn. Security no match for our womenly wiles. Just saying.
Lookit my girl. She blows my mind. So beautiful, so much fun.
My birthday was great. Kayla and Cody gave me gorgeous roses, and gift card for the movies. Shawn took me to get my hair done, I had a wild night out, my brother called, and my Mum called.
40+1 is off to a great start!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Father's Day was interesting. Shawn loved all of his gifts, especially the 'Dad' coffee mug from Kayla and Jess and the 'Daddy's Girl' photo frame from KC. Or maybe he liked the new weed wacker best? I don't know..I think that the best part of the day was after the festivities were over.
Kayla and Cody left and about two hours later she phoned and asked if we were still up. She had forgotten something and she wanted to come back and get it. This was approx two hours after we had last seen her. She came back and she was showing. I mean, not the teeny little baby belly that has been sporting, but the baby popped out and she looks like a mom-to-be now.
KC took me to the movies on the 18th for an early birthday gift. Heidi came along and we saw The A-Team. I have been soo stoked to see it. I am sad to say, the movie was a disappointment. Oh, don't get me wrong, it was non stop action and it had me laughing out loud at times. The problem, as a fan of the original series, was, Murdoch.
The actor that played him was great, I just didn't but him as 'Howling Mad.'
Bradley Cooper, however, is a different story. He is just pretty enough to pull off Face. He's no Robert Downey Jr, but he is a cutie.
Liam Neeson as Hannibal, the character that George Peppard perfected? Not so much. I adored him in Taken, where he single handedly took on half of Paris to rescue his daughter. George Peppard worked with Audrey Hepburn, and then later went on to do the The A-Team. What kind of range is that?
Now B.A. I liked. He was just likable enough, not the one syllable spouting, chain wearing tough guy that Mr.T portrayed.
The next movie on my list is Toy Story 3.

My fourth blogiversary was on the 16th. Four years that have flown by as I have shared my life with friends around the world. I feel so blessed to have 'met' you all, and truthfully, I have Heidi to thank for it. She introduced to the wide world of blogging and I haven't looked back since.
Here's hoping for another fab four years!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Dad's Day

Happy Father's Day to all of the Dad's and Dad's to be out there!
This year is an extra cause for celebration because Shawn is going to be a grandfather, Cody is about to be a dad and I am once again speaking to my mom and step dad.
To honour the dad's in our family, we are heading over to the folks house for a bbq. Of course Shawn's dad will be there, but his cousin Atti from Hungary is here for a visit as well. We (the girls and I) have never met him, Shawn hasn't seen him since the 90's. I am nervous, but this should be fun.
My own Dad is not here - he passed away almost 11 years ago. I miss him, so, so, much, but I know that he is in a better place. No more pain, no struggles...
I choose to celebrate the fact that he was a womderful Dad, my best friend.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Father's Day. You deserve it.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

New Look

I pressed one too many buttons and my blog looks like this now. I think that it`s cute, but it took over an hour to find a lay out didn`t have words overlapping each other. Ugh.

Speaking of new looks, you know that it`s time to change your hair `style`when you start to look like Lou Feriggno as The Incredible Hulk.

Just sayin.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I just got off of the phone with my Mum..I love saying that :) Things are going well, phone calls, emails,. and a possible visit with my step father in the next week or so. He is coming to Ontario to go on a fishing trip with an old friend.
Mum can't make it due to work obligations. She wants Jessica and I to visit this summer, but I don't know if we will be able to swing that financially. I would LOVE to go home for a visit, but I doubt that it will happen. Like I say every year, maybe next summer. The sci fi con is the last weekend in August and I don't want to miss that - Burt Ward and Adam West will be there and I already (almost) too excited to sleep.
KC, Kayla and I hit the movie theatre twice this past weekend. We saw Splice on Friday and then on Saturday night we went to see Sex and The City 2 with four of Shawn's sisters. We went out for drinks after (Kayla and I each had a Shirley Temple) and despite my misgivings I had a good time. I still don't know Shawn's oldest sister very well, and she makes a bit nervous, to be honest. Karin is close to my Mum's age, so she and Shawn weren't really raised together. In fact, he was about 7 before he knew that she was his sister. Lol. He thought that Karin was his moms sister.
The movie was better than expected and we all had fun. Shawn's sister Janet drove us home and she cracked us up with stories about when Shawn was younger. Janet is Ryder's grandma so she is pretty darn excited that Kayla is having a baby. She can't wait to help with the baby shower. I have to say, I like this new family dynamic. My family and Shawn's family repairing the fractures and supporting each other..Happy day.
Shawn went for his first pain management treatment. He got four needles - one in his lower back, two on his upper back and one on his inner thigh. I don't know much about much, but so far, it has only made the pain worse. He will need about 10 treatments before we know if it actually work for him, and that translates into about $300. That's a lot of money for something that may not work. I wish that I knew more about this whole process. The doctor has not been very forthcoming with the info. Infact, I would venture to say that this doc is a jerk. He gave Shawn one Rx for pain that we cannot afford - it is over $150 a month and it isn't covered. He called our inability to pay a 'social problem' and not his problem. That is only prescription that he will give us.
I just hope that this does work, cuz Shawn is suffering and he wants to be back on his feet.
The puppies are gone. Buddy came to get them a week after he promised to pick them up. I am biting my tongue over this whole thing...I feel taken adavantage of and it's best of I do stay silent. Nothing good will come of me sounding off on this guy when I still feel the way that I do.
So....that's all of the news, I guess. I am hoping to make it to the theatre again this upcoming week to see The A-Team. I don't need to tell you all how I feel about that, do I?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Yesterday, my facebook status read something like this 'Do I have a kick me sign on my back?'
It was one of those days, ya know?
I got my cable bill and it had a staggering $200+ dollars in pay per view charges. Not just pay per view, but pay per view porn.
It would be funny as hell if weren't so freaking expensive.
My On Demand choice is almost always the free stuff - catching up on Glee, or Criminal Minds, with the odd documentary (Car For A Dollar) or 80's flick like Krush Groove. The lay out of our very small house is not exactly conducive to any kind of privacy, never mind the kind that you would need to watch some kind of nudity and actually enjoy it. I mean, that is the point, right?
As it turns out, our neighbours were able to steal our signal for over six weeks. (Now that I think about it, they did stay in a lot..Hmm) I didn't ask for any of the titles of the movies (the first rep that I spoke to was too embarrassed to read them) It really didn't matter, I know that the charges are not mine. Or Shawn's, or anyone else's in this house. If they had been my charges, I would have just paid them. I would have been too humiliated to argue....
Anyway, after being called a perv by the second rep that I spoke to, I was able to get the bill knocked down by $130 - which still leaves me out of pocket by the same amount.
We are puppy sitting this week, too. We had 4 gorgeous, tumbling, jumping, chewing, braying pups that are poop machines. Kayla's favourite went to her forever home last night. The other three (Kayla calls them brown boy, black boy, and Fun Puppy) are still here.
Well, that's a good question. The guy that dropped them off is MIA. Kidnapped? Drafted? Incarcerated? Lost?
I have no idea. Nobody has seen him in days and meanwhile I have three poop monsters crawling all over my floors.
I am at a loss. I love dogs, but I already have a whole pack of my own..
WHEN will I learn to just say no to people???

My Mum and I have spoken on a the phone a few more times and have exchanged lots of emails. (She lives in another province, so we won't be seeing each other any time soon).
I have been reflecting on the past and all of the years that we lost. I wish that I had a magic wand and I could do all of it over. I would call her on Mothers Day, even if I were angry. I would take back all of the awful, hateful words that I have spewed angrily at her. The hurt, the pain, it would all be gone.
I can't do that. There is nothing that any of us can do to change the past, so I am looking toward the future. I am putting my energy into being a good mom, wife, grandmother, daughter....
This tiny baby has changed so much for me, for my family.
I am so thankful. Kayla has given my Mum and I a chance to start again.
I never dreamed that I could have this bond with my mother.

Friday, May 28, 2010

This is what had held my attention for the past few weeks. This teeny, tiny, incredible human being that less than 4 months ago was non existent. I mean think about it..There was no human, and there is - or will be - in five or six months.
In a few short months, I Biddie, will be a grandmother. Well, a Nanie, to be more precise.
Best Mothers Day gift, ever? Kayla telling me that she was giving me my first ever grandchild.
I seriously stoked. I can't wait until they place this little person in my arms and let me hold him(?). It feels like a million years away, yet I know that the days will fly by and he will be here before we know it.

Kristy and Jessica are over the moon. Kristy and I have already brought home bags and bags of baby clothes, socks, receiving blankets...Yet there is still so much more that we will need. I plan on being the number one babysitter so that Kayla can go back to work as soon as she is ready.
As for Kayla......She is scared. I mean, it IS scary, bringing a new life into the world and being responsible for that life for at least the next 18 years. It is also wonderful, and rewarding, and the best job that you will ever have.
I know that Kayla will be a wonderful mom, I just hope that I don't disappoint as a Nanie.

The other bit of news that has my head spinning? I got a phone call from my Mum, Betty, two nights ago. I had left a message on her answering machine, letting her know that she is going to be great Nanie. I thought that even if we weren't speaking, she still deserved to hear it from me, not second hand, or as a stream on facebook.
It was awkward at first, and there were many silences that broke our conversation up into nervous chit chat. Still, we spoke. To each other. Kindly, and with respect.
Then, before we hung up, she apologized. To me. For all of it..All of the wasted years, the sadness, the hurt. The best part?
I heard something that I have not heard since..well, I actually don't know how long it has been since she said those words to me.

Can life get any better???

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I seem to have disapeared again..Sorry. There is lots going on and soon I will be able to talk more about it. I promise.
I am just trying to wrap my head around some stuff right now.
I finally saw Iron Man 2. RDJ did not disappoint, and I am love with him all over again. KC and I spent most of the weekend together and we had soo much fun. We went shopping on Saturday and completely blew our budget, but I think that it was worth it. It has been oh so long since we have had that much fun.
Ok, it is getting late and tomorrow is going to be a crazy day. Big news soon, my friends, I promise!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I just had to post this photo of my wee nephew, Ryder. I am so in love with this little guy.....

Monday, May 10, 2010

Thursday, May 06, 2010

I Seem To Have A Situation Here...

It's been a month since my last post. Wow. There is so much going on and so much that I want to tell, but the time isn't right. Not yet.
I can tell you that my cute as a button nephew turned ONE a few days back. He was so well behaved, even though he was all jacked up on sugar from the cake and birthday treats. I can't believe how quickly the first year flew by.
Shawn is finally going to see a pain specialist next week. We are praying that this doc can offer Shawn some hope for the future. Hope that he can live pain free - or at least have some kind of productive life. This last year or so have been hell for him. He misses work and the pain has gotten so bad that there is very little quality of life for him.
KC has a new job at a brand new dental practice is so far, thrilled. I find money to be a great motivator.
As for Geoff and Steff..For those of you that don't know, Geoff is my x husband - x number 2. He is the bio father of Jessica and he raised Kayla and KC. Anyway, it seems that Steff is so jealous of my 15 year old that when Jess phoned Geoff a couple of months back, she was told (and I quote)
Don't bother calling here anymore..He has a new family now.
This, of course reduced Jessica to tears, which of course, enraged me.
I just don't understand. HOW does a person walk away from their own child? What kind of a person is capable of that?
It's a mystery that I may never know the answer to.
In other news, Kayla and I saw the new Nightmare On Elm Street. I really just didn't buy a former child star as the evil child killer, Freddie Kruger. No Robert Englund, no fans in this house.
Iron Man 2 is coming out at MIDNIGHT.
RDJ at his finest. I. Can. NOT. Wait.
Just saying.
Oh, and one more thing.
WTF is going on with LOST?
Sayid, Jin and Sun are all - dead?
I hope that the weird flash sideways thing is going to show us that they are living happily ever after, somewhere.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Let It All Out

These are the things that I can do without -

Geoff, Steff and their never ending shit. Yeah, I seldom even mention them because for the most part they are but a blip on my radar until they screw with one of my kids.

Seriously, I just want to SHOUT.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Another Week

I am such a slacker. Another week gone and I have barely been around. Three birthdays in 8 days does make for a busy schedule, but still, I am a slacker, grade A.

This is my wee nephew Ryder, all growed up at 9 months. Isn't he the sweetest lil guy? I seriously do not get to see him often enough, but who knows what the spring weather may hold for us. With our family friendly yard and swing set I just may get more lil guy time yet.
Speaking of nephew, I am over the moon happy because my nephew/Godson has been for the past two weekends in a row.
He is slightly more growed up that Ryder - Chris is 22. I have missed him more than you wold even think humanly possible. Oh, and please don't tell Chris that - I will never live it down.
It is like part of my heart is finally healing...All 0f those empty holes left by the passing of my Dad, the disappearing act of my my many moms..I love the playful banter between Chris and the girls. They may not admitt it, but they have missed him too.
No news is good news I sppose when it comes to Shawn and his leg. First of all, over a year ago, the doc said that Shawn was NOT in pain and there was no possible way that he COULD be in pain..10 months and many tests later, it turns out that he is in pain and the family has no clue how to help Shawn with it..We are now waiting for yet another doctor to see what he/she can offer us. Anything will be better than living like this.
The next test on the agenda is a spinal tap. (Thank goodness, Shawn LOVES that movie).
So, that is that.
KC is acclimating well to her new environment. She adores her new 'attic' bedroom with her three feline room mates. I know she does, no matter what she may tell you.

Spencer is but an ugly memory in my mind now. I hope that soon enough, he will be in KC's mind as well.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Life goes on, whether we want it to or not. My heart has been broken a million times over these past days. Most of it comes from watching my eldest go through her first, worst, break up ever.
I hate this.
The break up itself has been difficult enough. The move into a smaller home has us all jockeying for our own space and there truly is so little of it.
The worst, the very worst of all of this has been the breakdown of a family unit.What else can you call, really? We welcomed Spencer into our hearts and home, made him one of us.
It seems so unfair that Kayla has to give up her confidant and Jessica has now lost the closest think to an older brother that she has ever known.
Shawn has lost a fishing buddy, and Spencer has lost his father figure.
KC has lost all thst she has known for the last three years. The person that she loved lied, cheated and betrayed her in nearly every way possible. This is not a transgression that I take lightly....My daughters are my everything.
If there is one good that came of this it's that my daughter is back at home where she is cherished and loved for the wonderful woman that she is.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I don't even know where to start. KC has moved back home, and I am good with that. We have always told her that she could come back home with us any time. So, this was the time.
Things had not being go well with her and Spencer, and they have decided that maybe they will be better apart. These things happen. They were both very young when they got involved, I think that Spencer was only 19 when KC moved in with him...
Shawn and I had an idea that thie relationship may not be forever (mostly due to thier young ages).
I have tried to stay neutral on this matter. The last thing that you want is to trash the ex only have the happy couple reunite. I doubt that is going to happen, so I am going to rant a wee bit.
This guy has grown up issues to deal with - unpaid bills, items that were purchased together need to be sorted, and maybe Spencer will have to put on big boy pants for 10 minutes so that KC can actually move on with her life.
I HATE this. Watching my kid, my girl, suffering because the person that she was with for 3 years has suddenly decided that he needs to be a kid again.
I am just effing angry. My kid deserves better, she should be feeling great about herself, not wondering what is wrong with her.
She is gorgeous, funny, well educated, personable, intellegent..The list goes on.
I just want to be able to fast forward through all of the pain that KC is in. I can't stand watching her anymore. She deserves respect and love, not this.
I'm sorry...I wanted to be able to say that I was ok with all of this, but the truth is, I think that I am almost as heartbroken as my daughter.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Mission Impossible

We have three birthdays coming up..Shawn will be 40, Kayla will be 19 and KC will be 22. The girls asked for 'normal' things - movies, t shirts, purses, perfume. I can handle that. KC is easy as heck to shop for - she likes everything :)
Shawn, on the other hand, wants video games for the PlayStation. Not the PS3 that nobody ever plays anymore, but the PS1.
PlayStation ONE?
He might as well ask me to cook.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Has This Ever Happened To You....?

Have you ever reached for a glass in the cupboard only to have it fall on your head? The cupboard, I mean, not the glass.
I thought not.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Wow. Time is flying and I haven't been around much. There has been a lot going on, and my computer is still being wonky, so half of the time I can't blog, facebook or check messages anyway. Here's a quick update.

~ Shawn has another appointment tomorrow for a CT scan. I am keeping my fingers crossed that something actually comes of this..

~ Shawn's mother is STILL in the hospital. It has been over two weeks now and every day is the same thing - maybe tomorrow she can go home.

~ Shawn's screw guns were stolen, AGAIN, this time by a co worker and possibly a family member. Isn't that nice?

~ Someone that both Shawn and I have known for a loong time passed away last week. He was not exactly a friend of mine, but I did know him, and it just seemed so sudden. We are both still so shaken by it, ya know? So fast and unexpected, and whamo, here we are at the funeral home, again.

~ Kayla has a new job, and she is loving it. It is only part time, so she is looking for another job so that she can save for school.

~ Speaking of school, KC is now DONE and working for a dentist in Waterloo. She LOVES her job, and I am soo proud of her.

~ Jessica is still st her school, and that is where she will be staying. I had a meeting with a VP and a guidance counseller, and took Grandma Lynn along. She kept me calm and on track...The bottom line? Jessica's family doc wrote us a letter suggesting that she would do well in her current school and that moving to another might trigger stress and high blood sugar. I am beyond relieved. (Thank you Dr.D)

~ We got a new(ish) king size bed that is large enough for Shawn, the dogs, and me! It is heaven on earth!

Whoo hoo! I promise I will be heading over to visit you all soon :)

Monday, February 01, 2010

Dear Blogger................................

Dear Blogger -

What a week! The puppy party was a smash hit, with all five of the babies, their new families and our mommy and daddy dogs here, it was insane, chaotic, and just plain wonderful.

I am fairly certain that Ruby remembered her pups. They all remembered us - mind you, we spent countless hours bottle feeding them while they were with us. They have all grown into well adjusted, loving, dogs.

Things even went well with my sisters in law and their husbands. I have to admit, this was a big deal for me. I always get nervous when I have to the whole 'Happy Homemaker' thing, but I pulled it off!

I think that we will make this an annual event. We have to - it was that much fun.

Shawn and I had an interesting group counselling session on Saturday afternoon. We signed up for this class as a way to get our toes wet, so to speak, and to see if this place is the place for us. Well, I can say without a doubt that this is NOT the right place for us, but I am still glad I went. Either way I see it as a step in the right direction, even if the lady in charge is a bit of a tree hugging share the love, come on gimme a hug type. Sweet lady, just not right for us. We are checking out another place next week and I am hoping that it will be a better fit.

Shawn's mother has been ill. She is diabetic, and now her kidneys are failing. The doctors seem to think that she may only need dialysis as a temporary measure, but I am skeptical. She is 86 ish and her health has been failing for some time.

I am doing my best to be there for Shawn, but this is a hard one for me. We all grieve differently, and in this way, his family is so very unlike mine. We (my girls, my Dad, Grandma Lynn) are all touchy feely gimme some sugar kind of folks. Shawn's family..? Not so much. I want so badly to throw my arms around his mother and hold her tight, but that is just not done.

Speaking of Shawn, we finally had that appointment that we were waiting for. It did not go well. For whatever reason, the family doc sent Shawn to a surgeon that specializes in tumors. Just not in orthopedics....So, off we go for more tests, and Shawn is feeling defeated. It seems as though no one is taking his pain seriously and I am frightened that no one ever will. I can never let Shawn know this, I am doing my best to stay strong. He has been there for me so many times, I need to do this. I NEED to be strong, there is no other option.

Saturday evening gave me an opportunity to pay it forward. My dearest, bestest friends ever were in town, dealing with a loss...So often I unable to actually BE there, cuz, you know, we don`t have a car and getting around ain`t easy.

It so great to see Miss Sally, even under the circumstances. My family and friends rock, and I am so beyond lucky to have them. I hope that they know that.

We also finally got our health cards, dealt with (boring) legal issues and the principal of Jessica`s school. She is hell bent on transferring Jess to a different school, despite the fact that the other school is way farther away, I would have to buy all new uniforms, and Jessica has been crying almost everyday over the stress of it. She LOVES her school, and her blood sugars have been bouncing around since all of this started. I wonder if Mrs. T.H really understands who she is dealing with here. I won`t let my daughter get bullied and she WILL be back for semester two. You can count on it.

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions and I am so relieved that it is finally OVER. I plan on doing nothing except hanging with my dogs and catching up on Lost.

Saturday, January 23, 2010


I cleaned the kitchen without shedding ONE tear.
For those of you that know me, you will understnd why this is huge!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I survived my harrowing ordeal last week - I lived to tell. Actually, I am not quite ready to talk about it. Talking about my stressors sometimes makes them larger than life. Shawn has his appointment coming up, and then there are various other appointments - the shrink, disability, nothing that should keep me up at night, but they do just the same.
I am ok. I will be ok. I just have to believe.
I have been trying to get out of the house more often, but it has been hard. The winter depresses me - well, obviously, I am depressed, but the winter deepens my dark moods. Plus, there is the whole cold weather part. Nobody feels like going out when you have to wait for the bus when it is -20 or lower outside.
Shawn and I did head out to the movies with KC and Spencer last week. We stopped at Chapters and our favourite toy/hobby shop. What could be a better evening for me?
It was fun, I don't see KC as often as I would like, and there has been no cash for anything like a night out recently, but I just had too get out.

The puppies are turning one on the 27th and we are having a puppy party on the 23rd. I know, I know, these are dogs, but my two sil's that adopted Molly and Chloe don't have two legged babies, and I love having the house full of puppies. I love the fact that I am close enough to some of my in laws to feel comfortable having them over to the house. This would never have happened a couple of years ago.
Shawn groan when I likened the reunion of the the dogs to the Dionne Quintuplets getting together. Lol. What can say? That's how my mind works :)

I had to post this shopping list. Cody actually found it several months ago when he was working at a grocery store. Can you all see what it says there?
I swear, you can not make this stuff up!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I Think I Can

You know that feeling that you get in the pit of your stomache when something - anything - has you so beyond stressed that it is all that you can think of? That queasy, icky, feeling of dread that you get right before a big test, or a trip to the boss's (principal's) office?
Yup. I got it, and I can't shake it.
Something big is going down, alright, but it is something that I have zero amount of control over. So why do I obsess so much?
If I knew the answer to this than I would probably be working full time, I would sleep peacefully without a slew of doctor presrcibed happy pills. I could breathe deeply and step onto the bus alone, without my ipod, without coming up with some sort of escape plan in my head.
I wish that these simple actions were just that for me - simple - but every move that I make outside of these four walls must be carefully planned.
Where was I going with all of this? I have a thing tomorrow, and I am scared sh*tless. I HAVE to this, there is no choice.
I am going to put on my ipod, take some crazy pills, and lean very heavily on my support system - Shawn and Lynn.
I can do this.
I can.

Friday, January 08, 2010

59 Questions - Borrowed From Truth Monkey

[1]What is your middle name? Colleen
2] What color is your mailbox? black
3] Are you available? Depends for what
4] Have you ever hit a deer? Nope, but I have never tried either
.[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? No, but I used to when I was kid and I had nightmares (still do) about the bridge collapsing and falling into the river.
[6] Are you taller than your mom? Nope
.[7] What curse do you say the most when you're pissed? The F word. of course, but I am trying to us other words, like fudge and stuff
[8] Are you God? To my dogs and cats I am

[9]What do you do to get over a broken heart? Sob, cry, mope, and let time work it;s magic. It takes me a looong time to heal
[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens? sure, who doesn`t?
[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now? My ankle..dang arthritis
12] Do you often cry during a movie? Like a cranky baby
. [13] Last text message you received? Couldn`t tell you
.[14] Who sent it? Proabaly one of my daughters
[15] Do you hate your life? No, but I wish that I could change a couple of things
[16] Do you get mad easily? Oh yes, but I am working on that too
17] Do you drink? Seldom
18] What is your biggest pet peeve? Only one? People who lie
[19] Are you cold? not right now
[20] Do any of your friends have kids? Oh yeah, lots of em

21] Who should pay on the first date? Depends...
[22] How many years older than you are you willing to date? I have never dated anyone older than me..They have always been my age or younger
[23] Do you have any friends? Not a lot, but the ones that I do have are beyond wonderful
[24] Do you have any mean friends? No way
25] What is the ugliest color in your opinion? Puce
[26] Have you ever dated someone who all your friends couldn't stand? Yup, I even married him
.[27] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously? No, but I have felt like getting toooo close to the edge, just to see what might happen
28] Have you ever contemplated suicide? Sadly, yes, but now I am happily medicated :)
.[29] Do you scratch your ears? Only when they itch
[30] Who was the last person to hug you? Shawn
.[31] What brand are the pants/jeans you're wearing right now? I am wearing blue jammie pants with penguins on them..not sure of the brand..The t shirt..MXM, maybe
[32] How tall are you? 5'6"
[33] What is the closest green object? a Kool Aid cup
[34] What is on your feet?nothing
[35] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents have named you? Not sure, but it would have been Irish - Sean, most likely
[36] If you could go back to any time period when would it be? I would love to go back to the 80`s, just for a day or two
.[37] Do you want to have kids? I already have three and they are all but grown now....
[38] What is your favorite color? purple
[39] Who is the friend you have that you thought you would never have? Jethro, cuz we grew up together and he was my brothers best friend..Now, he is like family to me :)
[40] Who do you hate the most right now? I`m sure that he knows who he is and why..If you read my blog than you will know who I mean
[41] What's your mother's middle name? Christina
.[42] What kind of car do you want? any that works
.[43] What is your favorite video game? tetris
44] Do you like your dad? Loved him more anything, but he has been gone ten years now.
[45] Do you have any TV shows on DVD? 21 Jump Street, The A-Team, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, My Name Is Earl, Supernatural, Reaper, Third Watch, Crossing Jordan, Without A Trace, Criminal Minds, Booker, Land Of The Lost, ABC Afterschool Specials, Nip Tuck, Dexter, Desperate Housewives, The Simpsons, V The Sopranos, Oz, Chips, The Brady Bunch,Charles In Charge It was a weak moment)...Possibly more
[46] Are you wearing make up? No.
.[47] Do you have a tattoo? One, in a place that most people will never see!
[48] Have you ever broken a pinata? Once or twice
[49] What time is it right now? 2:25 ish am
[50] Do you know how to draw? Sure, I KNOW how, but knowing and doing are two different things!
[51] Who loves orange soda? Jessica
[52] Who is your hero? My Dad
[53] Who did you last IM? Not a clue
[54] Do you work a lot of hours? My job is at home, so really it never ends
[55] Where were you 24 hours ago? In the living room
[56] Who was the last person that called you? My daughter KC
[57] Is there anything you regret? Lot`s of things..I try not to dwell on it though, too many what if`s will make you crazy
[58] Do you know where your family name originated from? Germany, Ireland, and Scotland[59] Animal that creeps you out? spiders, snakes, jelly fish..many more

Monday, January 04, 2010

Back To Reality

I just can't believe how fast the holidays flew by this year. Jessica is already back at school and our tree has been down for days. The village is still up, of course. I will keep it up as long as possible, which is usually until someone drags the boxes up from the basement as a very subtle hint.

Christmas was beyond what I expected. Not in terms of gifts (which were scarce this year) but in every other way. Grandma Lynn was here for Christmas Day, along with Spencer and Cody. Shawn prepared a veritable feast, and we gorged ourselves on turkey and the fixings. KC actually made dessert this year, and it was incredible. Home made squares and macaroons.

We played Apples To Apples after dinner and laughed ourselves silly. These are the best part of the holidays for me. Time spent with family.

Shawn and I never forget that every year spent with ALL of our girls is a great holiday. It was only two years ago that Jessica spent her whole Christmas break in the hospital. Every year is a gift.

Boxing Day we spent with Heidi and her family. There was of course, another feast, this time we had ham and the fixings. Jessica and Bucky tried to out do each other with his new Bop It, and we played more Apples To Apples. I think that I may need an intervention, cuz we played again on New Years Day when we had our third holiday feast.

New Years Eve Kayla Cody Shawn and I took the bus to Shawn's parents house to hang out with his folks and a couple of his sisters. I'm glad that we went,and I am actually enjoying the time spent with his family, when a few short years ago spending time with them felt like a prison sentence. We have a long way, baby.

Molly (Bella), Ruby and Bumble's baby.

Bumble and his new glasses. He will let Kayla do anything to him, apparently.

Bruno and Lola found the warmest spot in the house.

Ruby and Bumbles babies are almost a year old. It seems like just yesterday that we were sitting up all night bottle feeding the wee lil pups and Ruby was sick. On the other hand, it feels like they have always been a part of our lives. Since two of Shawn's sisters and a cousin of mine have the other three pups, we get to see them now and again. It all worked out rather well, I think. The pups are all healthy, happy and in great homes. Molly and Darby (Bella and Chloe) live like princesses, since their moms don't have any two legged babies of their own. Even my two brothers in law that used to laugh at my small dogs are smitten with their dogs.
I have to admit, I am glad that 2009 is over. It was a tough year for so many people that I care about, with so many different transitions and challenges. I am definitely looking forward to a better and brighter 2010!