Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
I still can't pronounce the doc's name, but I think that I will like him. I sat in this amazing over sized chair that reminded me of a throne, and I felt immeadiately comfortable. It wasn't clinical in the least, thank goodness. I think that would have been too much for me. This was more like sitting in a comfortable living room than a shrinks office.
It took forever to get my family history. He was confused about my FORMER MIL coming with me, and didn't understand WHY I didn't know where my Mum lives. (Betty)
You should have seen him scribbling away at his little flow chart!
Dr. Shrink put me on a mood stabilizer, and I go back in 3 weeks to get an anti depressant. I also got a lecture on healthy eating habits and late night snacking. The meds are supposed to promote weight loss, too, so I'm all for it.
I guess that in the end, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I still haven't had the chance to tell him about most of my issues, and I am dreading dealing with it all. I do feel better. This is just a baby step, but it is a step forward.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I am FREAKING out. Truly. I have been having nightmares about this, and now, I'm on the verge of a panic attack.
My xMIL, my dear friend, my REAL family, Lynn, is coming with me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve her in my life, but I am ever so thankful.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
Speaking of Lucky, she is doing much better. She is still on oxygen, but she is at home with her family, and she is laughing again. What a beautiful sound.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Well, I found our dear friend Mr. Eckstein on facebook. I wrote him a little letter, and this is the reply that I got. Just to make things clear, the first time that he hit me, I was walking past my school with Shane, when Mr. Eckstein called us out. I did respond, to be sure. Of course I did. I was a loud mouthed 17 year old girl. I was also a 120 pound 17 year old that was attacked by a middle weight semi pro boxer.
After that night in June, Mr. Eckstein stalked me for MONTHS. I didn't leave the house alone, and I was terrified for my life. One night in August, Heather, Shane, Blaine, and their middle brother and oldest sister and I went for a walk. As luck would have it, we stopped in front of Mr. Eckstein's house.
He came running out of the house, and swung a piece of wood at my head....Make no mistake about it, he meant to kill me.
I have reflected on this night, for 20 years. What follows is the communication between Mr. Eckstein and myself. I did NOT throw the first the punch. In fact, when he came at me, I was so frozen with fear, that I sat where I was, and pissed my pants.
Hi, Shawn I guess that you have no interest in communicating with me. I thought as much. That's ok. I still want to share some things with you. I have memories of that night..you know the one I mean. I can remember you coming at me with that 2x4, wearing nothing but a pair of track pants, your barefeet slapping the pavement. You swung that piece of wood at my head, and I knew, in that moment, that you truly meant to kill me. What I don't know is why. I never even met you before that balmy June night when Shane and I were out walking. I had no idea as to who you were, or what you were about. WHY did you pick us that night? Why couldn't you let it go after you punched my face and your friends left Shane with a bloody lip? I don't know. I do know that in that moment, the exact moment that the block of wood grazed my ear, I knew that it was kill or be killed. I was a 17 year old girl that had left home because of abuse. I was a stranger in Dartmouth, and only wanted to feel free. You took away so much from me, Shawn. I still dream of you. I see your face in the window, as it appeared that night. I hear the primal scream that you let out as you came at me. Thanks to you, something in me changed that night. I heard from a friend that I scared you that night. Do you remember me hanging off the truck, slicing at you, screaming? Do you remember MY face? I hope so. I hope that you never forget me. I hope that you never forget any of us from that night. I have waited 20 years to say these things to you. 20 years is a long time. There was so much more that I had wanted to say....Time heals all wounds, Shawn. Too bad it doesn't erase the bad dreams.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I'm afraid that when I get back on my meds, it'll be like this again. I had forgotten about the whole adjustment period. It might take months to get the meds right, and I don't know if I'll be able to hang in for the duration.
I have been counting down the days until I go to see my new shrink. Now, I'm dreading it.
Monday, May 14, 2007
KC took m eto the movies on Friday night. We saw 28 Weeks Later, which is the sequel to one my all time favourite movies. She even paid for snacks. It was different..going out with my all grown up daughter, and having her pay. I won't lie. I could get used to it.
On Saturday, Kayla and Jessica went to the farmers market and bought me these beauties. Another favourite of mine.
Kayla watched a documentary at school earlier in the week. It was about children in developing countries, and what their lives are like. There was a line that said something like..'you complained because your parents bought you Nikes instead of Adidas..She only has one pair of shoes, and they're made out of pop bottles.'
Now, maybe another kid would take something away from that...You know like...Wow, have I got it good. Well, Kayla had a different take on it. She and Shawn spent part of the afternoon making pop bottle shoes. AFTER she wore them, she realized that she really did have it lucky. I think that she and Shawn are working on a design for sandals, now.
On Sunday, I slept in,and when I woke up, Shawn made me an omellette with sausages, and french vanilla coffee. Oh yeah. The fun didn't end there. I got watch the last half of another favourite movie of mine, Bachelor Mother, with Ginger Rogers and David Niven. Then, the girls gave me their gifts, that they bought, with their OWN money.
This is Max. Jessica made him at Build A Bear, and he's wearing Bearboxers.
Kayla bought me this angel. It is the second that she has given me...I think that I am starting a collection.
Shawn made quiche and pie, and Kayla made a cake...I ate so much that I am STILL full. Later, after dinner, we watched Land Of The Lost, and some other scary stuff that freaked out the kids. Hey, it was Mothers Day, my choice.
I was going to get an ipod shuffle (purple), but we decided to have hot water, instead. That's right, hot water. The gas company came out on Friday, to cut off our gas without giving us ANY notice. Yuppers. We got the bill paid, but since we also had to pay a reconnect fee, and my arrears plus my new bill, we were a bit short.
Here's the thing that gets me. The woman that came out to cut the gas was the same woman that we dealt with before. The same woman that refused to work out a payment plan the first time around. She is an OFFICE worker, yet she took it upon herself to come out and cut our gas. Since when do the office girls do the dirty work?
The best part? She LAUGHED and smiled while she did it, reminded me again that I had a $3000 bill in the past. I reminded her that we paid that bill, in cash, and that this is an entirely DIFFERENT bill. I asked her WHY they would come out and turn off our gas without any notice. (which they are required to do)
They didn't have my phone number. Well, they had it December when they called to tell me that I had 3 days to come up with 3 grand. When I reminded her of THAT, her reply was that my phone had been disconnected.
Nope. Still works.
I hate to sound paranoid, but I knew that she would not let this go. She is going to be a pain in my ass until she retires, or dies. She TOLD ME SO.
Well, I didn't curse her out, or even raise my voice, and believe me, I wanted to. I came so close to violence, it's not funny. I said this to her.
"There's a little something called Karma, and it's gonna kick you in the ass."
P.S. I got some news about Lucky. She is home now, but on oxygen 24/7. The doctors can't figure out why her oxygen levels are so low, and it worries me. I wish that I could be there to help her. Sometimes, I feel the distance between us so profoundly.
Friday, May 11, 2007
It almost slipped my mind, this year. Mothers Day. I never forget Fathers Day, even though my Dad is long gone. It's not because Shawn is here, and he reaps all of the rewards and the hoopla is all about him. I remember Fathers Day because I had a great father.
Mothers Day, on the other hand, has always been a challenge for me. When I was little, really young, like under 10, we celebrated with my Nanie, my Dad's mom. She spent every spare moment with us, cooking, cleaning, sewing us clothes (that's another story altogether), until she passed away unexpectedly shortly after my 10 th birthday.
My Dad got remarried when I was 11. I did NOT like this new person in my fathers life, not one bit. She came with 3 kids of her own, and I had to share my Dad with ALL of them. In time, we grew closer, and Mothers Day became about her, my step mom.
My father passed away, and nothing has been the same ever since. I am now completely estranged from that side of the family. My "mother" hasn't seen me, or her grandchildren, in years.
I do have a 'real' Mum. She lives in Nova Scotia, in a town that I have never been to, in a house that I have never seen. She left TMOC and I behind when she ran off with our next door neighbour. I couldn't have been older than three, because I have no memory of her. Our relationship has been very strained, and with the exception of the 54 weeks that I lived with her, we have never spent any real time with her. We are very different people. She is STILL angry with a man that died nearly 8 years ago, over a marriage that was doomed from the start.
This leaves me feeling bitter sweet on days like Mothers Day. I am mom myself, and I know that I will get breakfast in bed, and home made cards, and maybe some bubble bath. KC will write a poem that will make me cry, and I will get to watch my favourite movies, without complaints. Still, I wish that I had my own mom to celebrate on May 13th.
I did have many wonderful women in my life over the years. I think that Mothers Day is a good day to celebrate them.
Jane was married to a cousin of my dads. She had 3 girls, and they were like sisters to me. Jane babysat me whenever my brother needed a break from his duties. She instilled in me a love of horror movies, and taught me how to make meat loaf. She babysat KC when we took off for a weekend after my 1st marriage, and baysat KC while I was in the hospital afterI had my still born son.
Aunt Josie is my mums sister. Josie and my Dad were great friends, long before my parents were married. My Aunt Josie, my Uncle Ray, and my Dad raced stock cars together, and remained close even after my parents marriage failed. Aunt Josie watched me after my mum left, and held me as long hours stretched into even longer nights while I cried for my mommy. Aunt Josie babysat KC the day that I got out of the hospital after losing my son. I was supposed to be on bed rest for 6 weeks, and Rudi left me home alone with a 18 month old. Aunt Josie to the rescue! She made me laugh, told me how proud she was of me, and me feel good about myself.
Mary is Heathers mom. She fed me, and sheltered me, and put up with me teen age moodiness. Her home was a haven for me, and the doors were always open.
Delores. She is the mother of the infamous Shane and Blaine. She took me in when I fled my mums house, and even hid me when my drunken angry mother showed up on her doorstep, demanding that I come home. I lived with her for months, and I was treated EXACTLY the same as everyone else, for better, or worse. This was my home away from home.
Liz was the wife of my Dads best friend. She took me shopping and bought me my first bra. She made me laugh, and taught me things like plaid and stripes DO NOT match. I thank you, Liz, and my family thanks you for that one.
Sally is Heidis mom. Sally has always opened her home to me, my husbands, and children over the years . She makes you feel instantly welcome, and you will NEVER be judged in her home. This isn't because (as Shawn believes) that she is Mennonite, it is because she is simply, wonderfully, Sally. It was by watching her, and her daughters, that I learned what a healthy mother/daughter relationship looks like.Lynn, my former mother in law. I hate calling her that, because she is so much more to me than a former anything. She is Geoffs mom, and I almost didn't divorce him because I didn't want to lose her. That's what I thought during the rough periods of my marrige to her son. She is the world's best Grandma, to my kids, and a mom to both me and Shawn. Yes, you heard me, Shawn. What we have is a family here, made of a patch work of other families. She is kind, and funny, sweet, and silly. I treasure my time with her, and I love her like a mom. She has ALWAYS been there for me, and now, she is there for my girls, and Shawn, too. We adore her, love her, and would do anything for her. My relationship didn't suffer when the marriage ended, it just changed. It's better now. In my heart, Lynn is my mom.
I guess, while I'm at it, I should thank three very important women in my life. KC, Kayla and Jessica. That's right, my girls. Without them, I wouldn't have been on this journey. My daughters have taught me so much. I was a much different parent with KC, then I was by the time Jessica came around, 7 years later. I can't imagine my life without all of the wonderful women that have supported me, influenced me, and been there for me over the years. I can't imagine where I would be, or what I would do if I weren't a mom.
I hope that this Mothers Day all of my friends out there will celebrate the uniqueness of their own moms. I hope that all of my blog buddies that are moms hold their children tight.
Happy Mothers Day, everyone.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
My sister is one of the best people that I have ever known. She is kind, brillant, funny, beautiful, and just about the best sister that I could have ever hoped for. One of the best days of my life was when I found her....
Keep her in your thoughts, ok?
Monday, May 07, 2007
This is the best that she has ever been, and I am so proud of her determination and hard work. Yay, J!
Grandma J is in the hospital. She fell and broke her hip after over doing it this past weekend. She had dinner with friends and indulged in her favourite drink- whiskey.
I took KC and J to see her, and I can't believe how great she looks for a 92 year old with a broken hip. She is in the early stages of Alzheimers, and was bit confused. She thought that the 3 of us were sisters, and I just couldn't bring myself to correct her. Why upset her? She also thought that Geoff was the dog that she had when she was a little girl, not her grandson. (My ex #2) I think that she was confused because, hey, Geoff is a dog......
The weather has improved drastically along with my mood. There is a lot going on in the family, Gramma J, and Shawn's mom are both unwell, but I still feel remarkably good. Lets hope that this trend continues!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I have a new reader. Her name is Heather, and even though she is lurking, I know that she is here.
Heather and I went to Jr. high together in Dartmouth. She was from that neighbourhood, and I was from a whole other planet. Or so it seemed.
I had just recently arrived from Ontario, to live with my Mum, Betty, and her husband, Stan. I hadn't seen Betty in a couple of years, and I hadn't lived with her since I was about 3. It was not an easy transition, and I was VERY unhappy.
To make matters, worse, I had just finished my grade 9 year at the rural highschool outside of Smallburg, and now, I was repeating grade 9.
Everything was foreign to me. It really did seem like another planet. All of the kids at Ellenvale had grown up together, gone to grade school together, known each other forever.
Then, there was me. I didn't know a soul. My time in Nova Scotia had been spent thus far sitting on the front steps, or going to the library. Alone.
Well, there was ONE drunken night out, but I really can't recall much about that. Anyway, I diggress.
There was one girl that I thought was different. She looked cool, and nothing seemed to bother her. She came to school most days in tight dark blue jeans and concert t's. Heather rarely spoke up or smiled in class.(She has a great smile)I thought that she had it all worked out....
We didn't reallly hit it off until that summer. The summer of 1986. I was living with Shane and Blaine's family then, and Heather was a frquent visitor. We were inseperable. We became best friends.
We spent every moment that we could together. We went to nightclubs, and got kicked out together. In fact, it was Heather that kept me from climbling into a flashy limo one night outside of The Derby. I still owe her for that one. It was owned by a pimp that would have driven my ass out of town that night.....
The trouble that we got into! She was with me the night that the semi pro boxer attacked...THAT is a night that I will never forget. He had been stalking me for a couple of months, and on a hot night in August, as Heather, Shane, Blaine, Carla, Percy, and I were out walking, he found me. Come to think of it, if my kick boxing friend hadn't have been there, I might have been in a whole lotta trouble.
The truth is, she always had my back.
Heather and I had so much fun. Oh man....She was there the day that I broke my wrist,and we shared a giggle over that story yesterday. She was there when Betty and Stan kicked me out, and was there when I went back to pick up my stuff...Her mom fed me Kraft Dinner when I was hungry, and never complained when I crashed at her house. To this day, I think of Heather and her mom when I eat mac and cheese.
We had our falling outs, too. Mostly over boys - well, one boy in particular.
I moved back home in November of 1986. I wasn't going to stay here in Ontario, it was just supposed to be a visit. Well, I've been "visiting" for 21 years.
We have seen each other since I moved away. I've been home to Dartmouth twice. It's been 17 years, now.
I lost her address around the time that Shawn and I hooked up. I have missed her tremendously. I still think of those days. I think of the shopping trips, and the days spent by the lake. I think of the hearts that we broke, and the boys that broke ours. I remember talking all night, and sharing secrets with Heather, secrets that we were afraid to speak out loud in the light of day.
I found her on Facebook a few days ago. It was easy as heck. I saw a photo of her daughter, and I knew immeadiately that it was Heather and Blaine's girl. She is the spitting image of her mom.
It was easy to pick up where we left off. It always is with Heather. It doesn't matter how far apart we are, or how long it's been since we've seen each other. That bond is still there.
So, if you're feeling friendly, say hi to Heather. She's kind of quiet, but she's a hell of a friend.