My mom is sick is today so I have hijacked her blog like all good daughters do.
I added this little ditty because I know it's one of her favs.
Also, to embarrass her now...we have this joke that she is going to try out for the popular television show "So You Think You Can Dance" and we have been working on a routine. Yes, I have been watching millions of music videos to get her some good "moves" so that she will blow the competition away. The problem is that no one in our house has any rythm except for KK. My solution to this problem was to add me and KK so that we can be a dance troupe. Basically, we are going to steal the majority of the dance "moves" from here. Especially the "Throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care" and the weird hand/butterfly thing that the girls in the red dresses do.
If you have any sweet "moves" that we can borrow please let us now. We need to come up with a killer routine...one like Napolean Dynamite's.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
My mom is sick is today so I have hijacked her blog like all good daughters do.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Friday night was not a good night. It started off ok, better than the previous few days had been. I was still reeling from my break down, still feeling out of sorts, but better. I had a bill to pay, one that had to be paid that day. I was already late with my payment, and I had made a promise to pay it on Friday. Shawn had to go out, so I headed out with KC. We paid the bill then walked across the street to a smallish mall, to grab a few groceries and get some of J's photos developed.
I dropped off the film and had an hour to kill. We strolled through the grocery store, looking at bedsheets, and kitchen gadgets, and reading valentines. I threw stuff in and out of my shopping cart, collecting crap as I went.
The shopping cart (trolley) was one of those bi -level jobbies, with a basket at the top, and the bottom, the bottom basket being longer than the one on the top. I had my huge purse, and a bag from Zellers, where we had been earlier that evening.
The time spent waiting for the photos seemed longer than an hour. I dunno. Maybe that's just me remembering. I paid for my groceries, my photos, and left the store. I actually took my time, pausing at the entrance of the store to look at the photos, and then stopping at the entrance to the mall itself. That's where a grubby looking kid approached me. I thought that he was panhandling for bus fare or money for the phone. I had to ask him 3 times what he wanted. Then, I was approached by a plain looking woman in tattered jeans and uncombed hair. (I am not making this up, folks). The kid told me that he was with security for the store, and would I come with them.
KC was getting bus tickets, and I was there alone. I was so shocked. I thought later that I should've told her to push off, get lost. I really thought that I had nothing to hide, so I went. No problem.
They took me to the lower floor of the grocery store, and into an inner office. I was still confused. I let them look through my bags, my purse, offered to empty my pockets. I did all of that, even though, by law, I did not have to allow them access to anything. I still thought that I was ok.
Well, I wasn't. On the bottom level of my cart, were some groceries that I had forgotten. I didn't have them stuffed into my bags, or my purse, they were just there. I saw the cheese and nearly fainted. I had wanted the cheese, that was my main reason for going into the damn grocery store. I had forgotten the cheese. I felt so stupid. The cheese! I really had forgotten. I offered to pay, and thought that would be the end of it.
Nope. The female security guard decided that since I had put the food into my cart, I was guilty. Well, yeah, of course I put the shit there! I never denied it, and I hadn't tried to stuff it down my pants or into my bags, either.
So, the cops were called, and I was placed under arrest. He read me my rights, and then asked me what happened. Now look, I'm not a complete idiot, and I wasn't going to implicate myself in any way. I told him that I didn't mean to leave without paying for that stuff, and that it was an accident. He tried to get me to fess up. I mean, listen, guilty or not, I've seen enough TV to know better. I wasn't going to say anything that could be used against me. I also knew that if I started talking, I would freak out, and lose it. I was polite, and answered all of basic questions, but would not admitt to anything. Then he tried to scare me. He told me that the judge would go easier on me if I confessed.
Are you kidding me? I have NO criminal record, and I have never been in trouble like this before. I can't even imagine what the judge will do even if I am found guilty....A fine?
The problem here is this. I am a licensed PSW, and in order to work anywhere, in my chosen profession,I need a CLEAN criminal record. I will never work as a PSW if I am convicted. Even though I'm not working now, being a PSW is my light at the end of the tunnel. I am hoping to work again, and make a difference for the people that I am helping. Without my lisence, I'll just another shmuck looking for a minimum wage job. I've already been that shmuck. I want more.
I feel so freaking stupid. I don't quite know what I was thinking, but I know that I wasn't thinking, 'Hey, let's steal this brick of $2.99 cheese, when I have enough money in my pocket to buy a weeks worth of food.' I mean, it was more than just cheese...there were some pens, and some cucumber seeds...a bunch of little stuff. I am so freaking humiliated. I now have to go to court, stand before the judge, and answer as to why I stole CHEESE. Shit. If I was going to risk my lisence, it wouldn't have been for cheese.
I have to go to be finger printed in March, and then I go to trial in April. I could plead guilty, get a fine, and a stern warning, maybe community service (yeah, right, no problem when you've agorriphobia), maybe probation. That would save me from a trial. I can't do that, tho. I can't risk losing my PSW lisence, the one thing that I have accomplished in my adult life. I don't think that I am guilty, either. Well, I guess, yeah, I am, because, I HAD THE CHEESE, but you knowwhat I mean. There you have it. My big night out. One of the 1st nights in ages that I have gone out without Shawn since my depression has gotten this bad.
So, friends, I hope that you don't think less of me. I could've kept this to myself, but it helps to write. And yes, I am ready for the cheese jokes. If I don't laugh I'll cry, and THAT isn't working for me.
I am going to try to get some sample meds in the meantime, and get back into counselling. It's a start. I realize that I need to be more pro active, even if it means being a little pushy with my family doctor. It's hard, because when you're depressed, even the small things seem almost impossible to do. I have to take charge. I have to learn to tell Shawn when I'm feeling bad, and ask for help. No more trying to hide it, or just pretending that everything is fine. It's time to get serious.
I cried. Alot.
I talked things over with Hubby, and feel better about that.
I watched Wicker Man. Don't bother.
I cried some more.
I talked to Lucky, who scored 2, count 'em TWO ipods for KC, and KK.
I talked to Skippy.
I wrote A LOT of emails to Heidi.
I cried some more.
I went out grocery shopping, and got arrested.
Anyone know a good lawyer?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Most of my life, I have struggled with committment in various forms. It's difficult to say that 'YES, I will be there!' when you have a panic attack at the thought of getting on the bus. Sometimes, I can get on the bus, but then the panic sets in. How will I get OFF of the bus when it's packed? What if it's late, or I'm on the wrong one? Some days, I feel well enough to work, but I know that this feeling will only last for days, sometimes even hours. In fact, in the past year I have applied for jobs and volunteer positions. I even went through most of the training needed to work with Alzheimer's patients - my dream job. I did everything, until I had to spend an afternoon in a nursing home shadowing someone. It should have been no big deal. I did my PSW training at 3 different nursing homes. I just couldn't do it.
In fact, even though I graduated with honours, even though I loved working with the elderly, even though I felt better than I had in years, I still barely finished my course. I fell into a deep depression, and begged my teacher to let me drop out. Thankfully, they worked with me so that I could graduate. Becoming a PSW was the life long dream that I had always yearned for. I was helping people, and loving it.
So, I graduated, and that was almost 3 years ago. I wound up at the hospital within months of finishing, and I have been in limbo ever since.
Most days are a struggle for me. My manic days are now few and far between. I can't remember the last time that I truly felt good, or laughed and enjoyed myself. Maybe it was boxing day.
The truth is that I am hard to live with. I can not work, and most days I am lucky to make it into the tub before 1:00. I don't return phone calls, or leave the house on my own, or do housework. I see the way that the house looks, and it depresses me. I want to cry, and I usually do. I struggle to do the basics. I make Shawn a lunch, most everyday. I feed the dogs, do some laundry, and take care of the bunnies. I don't read the way that I used to, because my concentration isn't there. I forget things. Big things. I have plugged in the kettle, and left it to burn dry. I have forgotten appointments, and loathe the thought of even going to one.
I can not work, and it looks like I won't be working for quite sometime.
This can put a strain on any relationship. Apparently, it has put a big one on mine.
I don't know what to do. I am on a waiting list for a new Dr. Even when I do get a Dr., I won't have money for my meds. We can't afford that. I'm looking at a few hundred dollars a month....I was on 3 kinds of meds before, and they were still tweaking and perfecting it.
I feel so lost. If my relationship fails, I will be out on the street. That is the reality. I can not support myself, and even if I got disability, it can take years to kick in.
The truth is, I think that my relationship IS over. The whole truth is, I don't know if I care.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
My hometown is a place that Heidi fondly refers to as Smallburg. I hated most of the time that I spent there. It was a small town, a place that many would call quaint, or think of as haven away from the city. For me, who was used to living in a townhouse complex with 81 units, it was both a nightmare and a dream come true. It was more than just the location that was scary to me, it was the fact that my Dad and I moved out to the boonies to be closer to his new fiancee and her 3 kids, while my older brother TMOC went to Toronto to live with Betty and Stan. You wouldn't think that moving 15 minutes outside of the city that I grew up in would be a big deal. It was.
The first place that my Dad and I lived was a one bedroom apartment on a huge farm that had a gravel driveway and a cool old barn out back. I loved the rickety old barn, with the birds in the loft and the antiques littering the floor. I spent many happy hours there, by myself, or with my soon to be sister. We had no cable, being so far out in the country, and our home phone was a 'party' line. We shared the line with 3 neighbours, and when the phone rang at one house, it rang at all of the houses. Most of what we owned was in storage and I spent way too much time listening to my Dad's old Glenn Miller albums.
School was another problem. I did not, could not fit in. I was used to walking to school with TMOC, or riding my bike with my friends. In Smallburg, I took the bus. The same bus that the other kids had been riding for all of their school aged lives. Every day was a trial for me. I got beat up getting off the bus nearly every day, and the mornings weren't much better. I can't remember how long we lived there. It was a temporary home for us, a place to stay until my Dad and step mom got remarried. I was 11, and in grade 6. I hated it - everything- so much that I stayed home from school for almost a month. That back fired big time, and I ended up repeating the whole year.
After Dad got married, we moved into 'the big house,' a cool turn of the century home with stained glass windows and a bathroom bigger than my room at the townhouse. This meant blending in with 2 new brothers and anew sister, who constantly reminded me that "we are three." Like I could ever forget that I didn't belong in this house, with it's fancy furniture, plush carpeting and secret cupboards. The only bright spot was the horse barns, on the road behind my house, a short bike ride away. I spent many afternoons there, mucking out stables, and talking to the horses. I finally had room to play. I was free to explore the whole town, wade in the river, watch baseball games at the grandstands, hang out in the public library,(my fav hang out for many years) or sit in the big old oak tree in the back yard. I can remember running to the park after school and watching the fall fair being assembled. The carnies always let us play on the rides, and I can remember climbing on the carousel and ruining a skirt that I hated. The trouble that I got into was so worth it.
Most of the kids still hated me, and I was lonely. I taught Sunday School at our little Lutheran Church, babysat most Friday nights, and stopped at Tony's Donuts a couple times a week for day olds. That was it. My life in Smallburg.
Things got better in highschool. I finally fit in, found a niche, and a great bunch of friends. I found Heidi there, in our English class. We have been friends ever since.
It didn't last long. I got kicked out of school, and sent away to Nova Scotia for my own good. Know what the crazy thing is? I missed Smallburg. In Nova Scotia, all I could remember were the good times. I remember playing 'chase' with half of the town. Of course, Jethro was there, with his sister, and my brothers, and everyone else between the ages of 8 and 20-ish. We had a 5 block radius to hide, in teams, and search out the other teams. We played kick the can, and road hockey, swam in Jan's pool (Welcome to our OOL! Notice there's no pee in it? Let's keep it that way!), or at my aunt and uncles. I played with baby cousins and smoked my first cig with Kim behind the horse barns. The grandstands? We broke into the concession stand one night and ate our weight in chips. (They came in foil bags then). We went to Short Stop where "Duh, Ross" worked. That place was always a score because there was 15 cent table that had treasures galore. I once bought my (step) mom a bottle of 15 cent mouth wash for her birthday that Duh Ross convinced me was perfume. (I know, I know, maybe I should have been called Duh, Bridget). The cool thing about Duh Ross was that you could pick anything at all from the store and tell him that it came from the 15 cent table. I once got a 10 pound heart shaped box of chocolates for a measley 15 pennies.
It's strange what time and a little bit of life expirience will do to your perspective. I actually miss Smallburg now. When I saw the house that we're living in now, I feel in love with it because it reminds of Smallburg. The same place that I hated, loathed, and cursed the whole time that I lived there.
My Dad is still there. He is buried in the small town cemetary that is also the resting place of my Granny, my Grossie, and far too many highschool friends. There is a plaque that bears his name, and a gravestone that I haven't seen in over 4 years. It's funny, you know? I miss the place like crazy, but I just can't bear the thought of going back. It might tarnish my memories.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
A - Availible/single? - TAKEN!
B - Best Friend - Heidi, of course, and Shawn, and Skippymom..
C - Cake or Pie? - Why pick one? I LOVE cake, but Shawn makes a pretty wicked homemade pie....
D - Drink of choice - Flavoured water
E - Essential everyday item - Toothbrush. I brush my teeth about 6 times a day
F - Fav color - Purple
G - Gummy bears or Worms? - Bears, of course
H - Hometown - I was born in Wallaceburg, Ontario, near Lake Saint Clair
I - Indulgence - I can only pick one? Ummm..new jammie pants? Extra milky chocolate
J - January, or February? - June
K - Kids, and names - KK, 15, J, 12, and KC, 18 (all girls)
L - Life Is Incomplete Without...... A good book
M - Marriage date - August 5th, 1989, August 23, 1997, which I consider to be my 'practice' runs. I'm still working on #3, maybe this year.....
N - Number of siblings - Ok..Let me think....2 step brothers, Ralph, and Craig, 2 adopted brothers, Mike and Andy, 1 brother, TMOC, 1 adopted sister, Posh, and one wonderful sister, Lucky
O - Oranges or apples - Depends on my mood
P - Phobias/fears - spiders, snakes, and heights
Q - Favourite quote - Still pondering this one. I don't think that I have ONE fav....
R - Reason to Smile - Ruby
S - Season, Fall or Spring - Spring, because I always feel like it's a new beginning for me, too
T - Tag 3 or 4 people - CindyDianne, Heidi, Corky, and The Adult In Question
U - Unknown fact about me - I think that you all pretty much know everything. Why don't you ask me, and then I'll tell you?
V - Veggie that I don't like - Green and yellow Beans..YUCK! -
W - Worst habit....Only one? There are SO many....I guess putting things off for as long as humanly possible
X - X-rays - My wrists, my foot, both ankles, my legs, my teeth....Do CT scans count?
Y - Your Fav Food - Lasagne
Z - Zodiac sign - Cancer, the crab
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I have heard from Lucky. She is doing MUCH better, and thanks to a very well known computer company over charging her and screwing up, she phoned this morning to tell me that she was offered some free electronics. My sister being the wonderful person that she is, phoned me and asked if the kids still wanted ipods. Uh, yeah! Hell yeah! So, she is working on it as I sit here typing. Really, how lucky am I to have her for a sister?
Skippymom has her boy home now, and even though she sounds tired, she also sounds blissfully happy! It feels great to be spreading some good news instead of dwelling on negative crap.
That's it, that's all I have. My head is spinning again, and I think that I'm going to go lay down.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
2. My father, a swinging single guy in the 70's, dated my grade 3 teacher, Miss M. I had her for grades 3, 4, and 5. They dated secretly for awhile, and when they broke up, she tried to have me held back. I remember going to a meeting at the school, but it wasn't until just shortly before my Dad passed away that he told me the whole truth. Miss M was angry at being dumped, and tried to fail me because of it. We had to go before the school board and she came close to being fired. I made it to the next grade, but Miss M was always so hard on me. Now I know why. Thanks, Dad.
3. I had a made up boyfriend in grade 6. (Think Jan Brady and George Glass). His name was Christopher, and of course, he was SOOOO cute. I am so embarrassed.
4. I introduced my best friend, Heidi, to her hubby, Jethro, a childhood friend that I have known since I was 10. This means that between them, Heidi and Jethro know pretty much everything that there is to know about me. Scary thought.
5. I accidentally wore my pants to college in side out one day. I had been really sick, and had rushed out the door to make my bus. I made it half way through the morning before anyone noticed. I could have died, I was that embarrassed. I didn't rush to the bathroom to change, however. I waited until our next break, and chastized everyone that was laughing at me for not being able to think 'outside of the box.'
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
My brother called me today. I had been worried that we wouldn't be able to get past our arguement before Christmas. I think that things will be ok.
We went to the police station yesterday morning, and it went very well. I think that the detective in charge is taking this seriously. It feels nice to be have the justice system working for us. It feels great, actually.
It's actually snowing today, and for the first time in weeks, I think that you might need hat and mitts if you're going out. It still isn't cold enough for the snow to stay on the ground, though. I must admit, I love it! I love being able to walk to the store without bundling up, and I don't miss shovelling the snow, either. I do feel badly for my sister, Lucky. She lives in Colorado, and has been snowed in. She's in the hospital right now, suffering from pnuemonia (?). She's so far away, and I've never felt the distance more than I do right now.
Get well soon, Lucky.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
My 1st husband and I were married in 1989, when I was barely 20, and he was even younger. We already had a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and there was great pressure on us to "Do the right thing." I don't know if it was the right thing, or not, but in August of 1989, we got hitched.
The marriage was a bad one. Rudi (that's right folk's, no more alias, his name is Rudi Horst Stangen) started belittling me and hitting me. The term is 'sexual assualt', but we call it rape. It happened to me on a weekly basis. I'm not telling you this for sympathy, I'm just telling it like it is. When our youngest (not J, she is from #2) was 6 weeks old, he tried to kill me. He did, and he even had the nerve to tell Heidi about it. I was with him for a little more than a year after that. I wanted him to leave, but he controlled everything. I had no access to our joint bank account, and I had to ask when I needed bus fare. If I wanted to go out for an evening, I needed to find a babysitter. I could never afford a sitter, because he controlled the money. I finally found the courage to stand on my own after he started abusing the girls. He pulled KC's arm out of the socket, twice. He shook KK like a rag doll when she was about 14 months old - because she was crying.
Since our seperation, and divorce, things have only gotten worse. Rudi would visit the girls only when he had time...Which was almost never. He would take the girls, and they would come home crying. His step daughters would pee in KC's bed, break their toys, hit them, steal their allowance, and Rudi and his new wife ( mistress, they were f'ing around for over a year before we split), Shannon didn't care. The girls would go weeks or months without a word from Rudi, and then he would show up out of the blue, screaming about his rights.
Once, when KC was 7, I had to phone the police because he refused to bring KC home. Another time, when KK was about 10, he did the same to her, but he actually had her for over a week. When I finally showed up with the police, Shannon wanted to fight me.
The past few years have been especially rough. KK was nearly hospitalized after his last visit. He took her to the mall for 2 hours, and told her all kinds of nonsense. When she came home, she was suicidal, and tried to push me down a flight of stairs. I can not let him near my daughter, who is just now beginning to feel good again.
Rudi has not sent a birthday card or gift in YEARS. He has never attended any special events, even when the girls have begged him to. He stopped paying support for KC in June, and has been paying about 2/3 of what he should be paying for KK. He decided how much he should pay.
Before we moved, he sent the police and Children's Aid to my house about every 6 months. The accusations were always pretty wild, and the file was always closed the same day, because my girls are not in danger, not going hungry, not being beaten, thank you very much. This is how Rudi has fun. He puts energy into being disruptive and destructive. He obviously doesn't care about the kids. He has not phoned or stopped by in a year.
So......Rudi pays me my support in 12 post dated cheques, that he drops off every January (2 weeks late). Since we moved in June, I knew that I had to phone him and give him an address to drop off the support cheques. Our lives have been quiet and peaceful since we have lived here. No Rudi.
I have been having full blown anxiety attacks just thinking about making this phone call. My chest actually hurts, and I'm having difficulty breathing. That's how much I hate conflict. So, I got Shawn to call, and speak with Rudi. Guess what? Rudi won't give me my support until I give him my address.
Now think about this. We moved in June, and he had no idea. He had no idea because he never visits. Or calls. He would never known that we moved, except for Shawn's phone call. So why does he have to have our address? To phone Children's Aid, and the police, and the SPCA. and anyone else that he can think of. He has phoned ex #2, and tried to entice him to the dark side. You would think that x #2 would love to screw me over, right? Maybe. The thing is, as much as #2 might hate, me, he hates Rudi even more.
So, I won't get my support cheques until I give my address. Guess what? It ain't happening.
Shawn got a phone call from Rudi after his conversation with Rudi.
He's going to have us, Shawn and Bridget, (last name Allen , thank you very much) charged with kidnapping.
Interesting. I have full custody. KC is 18, and KK is nearly 16. Neither one want to see him . Ever.
Can you be charged with kidnapping your own kids? When you have custody? When the ex spouse hasn't even ATTEMPTED a visit in OVER 2 years?
I'll let you know.............
Wow. I feel much better. Blogging really is better than freaking out.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Christmas was awesome. We made do with less, and somehow it didn't matter. We were together, and warm, and enjoyed each others company. What did put a damper on our celebrations however, was a conversation with my brother, that upset the whole family and left KC and I in tears. I love my brother in a way that most people don't understand. There has been much upheaval and craziness in our lives, and through it all, we have been always been there for each other. TMOC is 4 years than I am, but it seems that I have been the one looking out for him. I have forgiven him for things that I would never even dream of forgiving anyone else for doing/saying. He has probably done the same for me. I don't know where our relationship stands now. I fear that I may have lost him. This pains me.
Hubby is still laid off. He went back to work for ONE day, and has been laid off ever since. I dealt with the Christmas issue just fine - we can all live with less stuff - but I am seriously sweating about the little stuff. You know - electricity, heat, phone..... I'm trying to stay positive about this, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out. Soon.
Gas. Those ass-hats are at it again. I really thought that we had it all taken care of. I mean, we JUST paid $3300 to pay off ALL accounts, past present, and even the imaginary ones. Last week I got a bill saying that we owed $110 in ARREARS. Guess what? They had NO record of Hubby paying $ 3300 just 2 weeks earlier. SIGH. I am so mad. I don't even think that I can deal with this. Hubby will have to make this phone call. Deep breaths.
Speaking of Hubby, he needs glasses. The truth is, we can't afford them right now, but I don't think that he will even admit to needing them. I'll give you a few examples. We were watching Superman Returns last week. I need the captioning because I am practically deaf. (Seriously, I have a hearing loss in both ears). Hubby can't read the captioning, because he is nearly blind. The captioning says...' i'm glad that you're feeling better.' What does Hubby read?
I'm glad that I'm feeding you butter.
One day when we were out for a walk on garbage day, we walked past an old coffee maker sitting on the curb. Hubby wanted to know what was wrong the good looking pair of boots that someone would throw them out? He wanted to try them on.
Then there was the day that he was nearly arrested for following a woman around the bus terminal, trying to feed her french fries. As it turns out, he thought that it was me, and he was shoving food in some woman's face. Then there was the time that some poor guy thought that he was being car jacked when Hubby came storming over to his truck and tried to open the door. He thought that it was his boss's truck, and he was trying to pick up his pay check.
Tomorrow Hubby, KC and I go to the police station. Hubby and KC were assaulted by a cab driver, and the cops might be pressing charges. Even though I am going into police station through the front doors, sans handcuffs, it still kinda freaks me out. My expirience with the justice system has been less than satisfactory recently. I am hoping that since it is the police that are pursuing this, it will all work out in the end.
Grandma comes over tomorrow, too. We haven't seen her in a couple of weeks, because she was in BC visiting with her other grandkids. The girls are itching to get at their gifts, and I think that they may have missed Grandma just a wee little bit, too. This means that Hubby will be making some homemade pie in honour of her visit. There's nothing better than Grandma and home made pie.
Maybe having Grandma for a visit will help Ruby forget about the Pug. For a little while, anyway.