Thursday, June 28, 2007

Well, friends, I'm 38 now. Hard to believe, isn't it? I know, I can hardly believe it myself. The highlight of my day was the brand new ipod shuffle that I got from KC and Spencer. Yup, that's right. A brand new ipod shuffle. It's full of 'old lady music' now, so Jessica won't be borrowing it.

The other highlight (not counting the squirtguns that I got) would have to be the Operation game. Not just ANY Operation game, but Spiderman Operation.

I know. I can hardly catch my breath. Anyone wanna play?

Monday, June 25, 2007

Tagged by Coffey Pot

1 WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes. I was named after my
Dad's best friends wife..or something like that. They ended up divorced, but I did meet her once. Bio - Betty actually wanted to name me Bridey, but a pyschic told her that name would bring me bad luck.....Good call on that one, Betty.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED Yesterday. I cry everyday, it's no big.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sometimes. When my arthritis bothers me, my writing looks like a chicken scratch.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Hmmm. Only one? Well, I would have a burger for lunch, if I had a choice. Does that count?
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, 3. All girls, but you all know that.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I don't know. I am fiercely protective of those I love, and completely loyal, but I can be a real pain in the ass.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT ? Do you know me at all? Please.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Not for a million dollars.
10. YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Raisin Bran, or Shreddies
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes...Depends on which shoes I'm wearing, and how lazy I'm feeling
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Not really, but piss me off and watch me go!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? any if it is Brookfield brand...can't buy it here. I love almost any though..cookies and cream, chocolate mint, pralines and cream...
15. RED OR PINK? red
. 17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Dad, and my Poodle
.19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? brown tank top, black shorts..isn't this a little personal?
.20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Crap..don't tell my shrink, cuz he said not to eat chips, but guess what I had about 2 hours ago?
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Shawn, on the phone, and the tv in the background
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS? reminds me of my Dad's towing company, and my uncle's service station. Oh, yeah, that and fresh baked bread.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Shawn..he called me at lunch to tell me that he loved me.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes, I do! He is my ispiration!
26. What is your favorite TV show? Only one? Hmmmm Jericho...Or Heroes
27. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? None, really,but I will watch a boxing match now and again.
28. HAIR COLOUR? brown, but shawn says auburn, and the kids say gray
29. EYE COLOUR? blue, and yes, they are REAL
30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? oh yeah. Blind as a fruit bat without them
31. FAVOURITE FOOD? home made lasagne
32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary, always scary.
33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Apocolypto. LOVED it. No wait..Ghost rider. Not bad.
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, baby, I was born in June.
36. HUGS OR KISSES? I like both, but I love LOVE a good bear hug. The best that I ever got? Hmmm Jethro, or my cousin Mark, or Shawnie.
37. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Only one? Crap. I'll go with....cherry cheesecake? blueberry cheesecake? Ice cream?
38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I dunno..I'll be happy if ANYONE does.
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Maybe 4D. He hates these things.
40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? I actually haven't been able to finish a book since my depression kind of bottomed me out again. I have about 10 books here waiting..The last one that I read was written by Heidi. That was in April. I have one by VC Andrews (a guilty pleasure) that I have been working on since December.
41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Food crumbs
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Nothing. Shawn took me to the movies. It was my birthday gift, we saw 1408
43. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SOUND? My kids laughing.
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I don't really care for either, but if I had to pick ONE then I would pick the Beatles
45. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Not too far, really. I travelled to New York city once, and of course, Detriot, but I haven't ever really traveeled much. Been to Nova Scotia, but I lived there, so that kind of makes it home...
.46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes, but I only share it with Shawn...
47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Walaceburg, on lake St. Claire, right here in Ontario
48. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GET BACK? Anyones....But I'm hoping that maybe Tod will do this for me...He is always a good sport about these things!
49. ARE YOU MARRIED? Ish. As good as married, really. Seems like we've been together forever.....
50. IF MARRIED...AND YOU WERE WIDOWED WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER REMARRIAGE? Maybe. Someone told me once that getting remarried after losing your spouse is a testament to the love that you shared. I dunno. I can't imagine losing Shawn, and I can't imagine spending my days with anyone but him....

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Where do I start? There is so much brain clogging crap floating about in my head right now.. I can barely keep it all straight.

I have an appointment with disability on Wednesday. This will the first of many, and I know that I won't be able to answer most of the questions. I still haven't done my taxes for 2006, and I can't even get into the mess of Shawn's finances. It is causing me such a headache. He owes about $50 grand to Revenue Canada, and we are still trying to figure out how to deal with that. Might as well be a million, really. This could affect my disability, but I won't really know how until Wednesday.

The good news is that my shrink has agreed to fill out the papers for me...I was kind of shocked, really. I have only seen him twice, and I was sure that he would need some convincing. Apparently not. I had heard horror stories about doctors and shrinks not willing to help in the disability process, or charging upwards of $50 to fill out the paper work. It feels like I am FINALLY being taken seriously. Maybe the whole cheese fiasco was a GOOD thing...

The landlord came to pick up some rent money today. We are more than 3 months behind, I think. It hasn't been that long since we've paid, we just haven't been able to pay a full month in..well...months. I love it here. It feels like home. I know that we owe the money, and I have no intention of running off without paying what I owe. The landlords have been pretty good to us, but I dread dealing with the 80 year old busy body that comes to collect the rent. He repeats himself everytime I see him....
I KNOW that we are behind. I KNOW that our house is owned by the church. I KNOW that I spoke with the president of the church....
The landlord asked me today WHY I wasn't on welfare...WHY I don't have a job. He gets way too personal...I have a hard time with this. I am tired of people asking me why I don't work. It is really no one's business, and I for years I have had to deal with rude and ignorant people telling me to 'get over it.'
There is nothing to get over. I don't work. I can't work. I have tried...I have gone on job interviews, and have even done volunteer training.
I never finish. Ever. I want more than anything to help Shawn pay this rent.
Rudi has stopped his support payments again, and it seems as though we are drowning. The guilt keeps me up at night. It's all I think of, really. The last thing that I need to is to explain myself to a stranger. He can be pissed at me, or evict me (oh please, don't) or try to work with me..but PLEASE don't ask me personal questions. It makes me unreasonably angry.
I felt like asking this 80 year old man why he always smells like tabacco and shit when he comes to collect the rent. I didn't...I just felt like it. (cuz that would be too personal)

My birthday is on Tuesday. I will be 38. The year that I turned 26, my Dad convinced me that I was turning 26. That man was one helll of a salesman. Really. I guess this means that I was 26 for 2 years in a row.. I'm depressed this year. I mean, yeah, I am ALWAYS depressed, but this year, I just feel awful. I don't know if it's Mommy Dearest getting remarried and partying down under, or the complete and utter lack of any parental interest shown by bio - Betty. Maybe it's because my sister, Lucky, is still sick and won't be able to travel this summer, like we had thought.
I just feel so tired. This money thing is all that I can think of. It's not that we won't have money to celebrate my birthday. Whatever. Heidi and Jethro already gave me a kick ass gift..Maybe it's the new meds that I am on...Mood stabilizers that have completely taken the wind out of my sails....I cry all of the time now. No more mood swings, just good old fashioned depression. Thanks, Doc.

SIGH......Well, there is one thing that is guarnteed to make me smile...Couldn't sign off without a little Ruby love.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Warning, This blog is rated PG

Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

I found this over on Ann's blog. Being the tech wiz that I am, it took me about 10 minutes to cut and paste, but VOILA! Thanks, Ann!

I got this rating for using the word HELL twice and FUCKING twice, and the word HURT(?) once.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I saw this over at StinkyPaws place, and I just HAD to share it. It still gives me the giggles.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

June 16th marks my one year mark since I started blogging. I got dragged into this kicking and screaming (ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration) by my bestest Heidi, who thought - scratch that - KNEW that the voices in my head needed an outlet.

I really had no idea where I was going with this little blog of mine, and I absolutely had no idea that I would make so many wonderful friends along the way. You all know who you are. You do.

Today is also fathers day, and since my Dad passed away 8 years ago, today is all about Shawn. I didn't make him breakfast in bed, but I did make coffee...That is HUGE for me, people. I will make supper tonight, too. Since I hate cooking, and avoid the kitchen like the plague, that will probably knock Shawn over with a feather.

Yesterday I had a visit from two of my very favourite people in the whole world. Heidi and Jethro. Oh, yeah, all of our kids were there, too, and Ruby's Larry stopped by (I think that Heidi will tell you more about him), but for me, it was all about Heidi.

I get very selfish when it comes to sharing my time with Heidi and Jethro. I have known Jethro since were 10, and Heidi and I have been friends since we were 15. They don't live that far away, really, but we don't have a working car, and between horse/farm time, Jethro's job, and Shawn's jobs....our visits are few and far between. Our time togther never seems like enough.

Yesterday was no exception, but I was happy to share it with Larry. What a storyteller! He had us in stitches more than once, and I can't wait to hear Heidi's account of the afternoon.

Of course, no afternoon with Heidi is complete without photos of Ruby and The Pug. No matter how many boyfriends Ruby has, it's clear to us that The Pug will always be number one in her heart.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Smirnoff Black Cherry and Ruby's Larry

KC was kind enough to leave me some booze. It's not much, but I seldom drink, and I haven't eaten much. I really shouldn't be drinking, anyway, because I've had a craptastic day. Straight up, this black cherry stuff kind of rocks...

We have a neighbour, that I call Ruby's Larry. He has crazy white hair, and always stops to visit with Ruby. He has no choice. She insists. She sits in the window and watches for him. When he goes by, she barks uncontrolably until he stops...Poor Larry. He sits, or better yet, will actually lay in the grass with her and talk and play...Sometimes, I mow the grass around him.

No problem, it's Larry. You do what you have to do. I always thought that Larry was just an eccentric member of our little community. Ruby's Larry.

He stopped by tonight, and as he was playing with Ruby in the grass, he started talking to Kayla and I about some of his old friends, former jobs, and places that he once lived. Turns out that Ruby's Larry is an accomplished actor.
It's true. I googled him. He worked with Joey Ramone (had to pick Kayla up off of the walk way after she heard that) and has done some real acting. Don't I feel foolish. The guy that plays with my dog in the grass is a real, honest to goodness accomplished actor.

Is my face red. Yup.

Mind you, it could be the Smirnoff. Which is almost gone. Not quite drunk, but feeling good.
I tried like heck to post last night, but you tube just wasn't working with me. My SIL has a cousin that has made it to Toronto on Canadian Idol. You have to see this kid. He rocks. His name is Tyler Mullendore, and he is from Cape Breton. (While I do have family from there, I do not share the dialect or the accent. Sorry) Check out his clip on you tube. Seriously. My Canadian friends have to keep an eye on this kid. He's going places.

Can't remember if I mentioned it earlier or not, but I did manage to get my bogus shoplifting withdrawn. Yup. That's it, that's all. I am done. I don't have to return to court, and I have a clean criminal record.

I started the very long drawn out process for disablity, too. It can take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, but, I have started. I have to wait for the papers to be sent in the mail, then I get my doctors to fill them out, then the fun really begins. I went for my in office consultation, though, and got the ball rolling. One step closer.

Mommy dearest came home from Australia on Monday. I haven't seen her or the look a like replacement husband. Trust me, you'll all know if I do.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Love is in the air. Ruby Tuesday has a new boyfriend. His name is Jimmy and he is a Yorkie/Poodle cross. They had their very first date on Saturday night. Ruby had a bath and Kayla even did her hair for her..
Don't they make the cutest couple? I'll let you know how it goes....

Friday, June 08, 2007

Finally, something to blog about other than myself...Poor Paris, off to the slammer. My heart bleeds for her.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I'm trying like hell not to write depressing posts. I am. Problem is, I am severely depressed right now. I am sleeping and crying right now.....That's it. That's all.

Shawn is finally working for a good company, but the last guy stiffed him, again. This means that I have to tell my 12 year old that we can't go to the school BBQ because I don't enough money for hot dogs and bus fare. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Shawn and I haven't spoken in days. It's killing me. I can't go on like this, but I don't know how to fix it....................

Sunday, June 03, 2007

So...Most of you know that I have two moms, right? Not 2 moms like moms that were a couple, but 2 different moms. My dad was married twice, and my bio mom was rarely around. I spent more time with my step mom...We'll call her Mary.

Mary and my Dad got married when I was 11 or 12, I'm not sure...They had been dating for a couple of years, and it came as no great surprise to me when they did. Of course, that mean that I was happy about this wedding, or ready for a new mommy, a new sister, and 2 new brothers. Like I told all of my bloggy friends before, in time, I felt that we became a family, and I even called Mary 'mom.' I accepted my sister, and brothers, and I even named my eldest daughter KC after Posh, my adopted sister.

My Dad did in, fact, adopt Marys kids. Her ex husband had a new family, new kids, and no need for the old ones that he had left behind. Adoption meant no more support, and Mary's ex was all too happy to let me Dad adopt his kids.

I remember asking my Dad, when I was about 13, why I wasn't being adopted, too. He told me that there was no need for it, and that Betty really didn't want to give me up, even though she rarely called or came to visit anymore. I wanted more than anything to be adopted by Mary. I wanted to be John AND Mary's kid, not "Bridget, my step daughter," or "My husband's daughter." I hated that more than anything. My Dad never did that. Ever. To him, we were all just his kids.

My Dad got sick shortly after my marriage to Rudi. We found out that it was terminal, and I was grateful that my Dad had a wife to take care of him, to love him, to cherish him. I was a young mom, just starting out. I didn't want him in a hospital, but that's where he would he would have spent many lonely days without Mary.

The months dragged on to years, and I had more children. By the time my Dad actually passed away, I had 3 children. KC was 11, Kayla was 7, and Jessica nearly 4. I spent as much time with my Dad as I could, but it was hard with 3 little ones, and an unsupportive husband.

My Dad and I had many long talks before his death. We worked out all of our anger, and nothing was left unsaid. I tried my best to tell him how I felt, without hurting him. He was more than my Dad, he was my best friend. I brought up the subject of Mary and her kids many times. I told my Dad that unless he made provisions for my girls in the will, we would be written out.

He got so angry with me. He had been married almost 20 years by then, and to him, we were just one family. He completely trusted his wife to do as they has discussed, just as I am sure that you all trust your spouses. I tried to tell him that I would be expelled from the family. I tried. He wouldn't listen, and I didn't want to upset him. He was dying, and on oxygen. He was my father, and I couldn't bear to hurt him.

My Dad passed away on July 11, 1999. I helped my 'Mom' plan the funeral. I helped with the thank you cards, and I helped deal with the insurance claims. I thought, for about 10 minutes, that I was wrong. I thought that I was a memeber of my own family.

Silly me.

Soon enough, it started. The girls would be forgotten on birthdays, or we wouldn't be invited somwhere. Whatever. I waited more than 2 years to ask for the things that my Dad had told me that he was leaving for me. I was told that they were NOT mine. My brother was given a Rolex. I was given his false teeth.

I still held out hope. Two and a half years ago, I was told that I am no longer a part of the family, and I no longer welcome anywhere near anyone. I have not spoken to my brothers, my sister, or my 'mom.'

They are all living on my Dad's money. I have been written out of her will. As if that isn't bad enough, I just found out that got married to a guy named JOHN JOSEPH..Care to guess what my Dad's name was? Oh, and the reason that Posh is creeped out? He looks my Dad.

She is selling my Dad's house, and right now, Mary and John2 are in Australia. This is after she took a trip to Bolivia to save orphans and build a church, or orphanage, or whatever the hell she was doing.
See her there, 'saving' the little kids? What a fucking saint.

Now, if you're thinking that I am simply bitter because she took my money and ran, you're only half right. It goes beyond that. My Dad TRUSTED her. He never would have married her, adopted her kids, and left HIS fortune to HER if he would have known what she was truly like.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am not all about money. I am NOT. I do, however, have a 12 yr old that needs braces, and my meds are going to cost about $200 a month, and we are way behind on rent....I don't aspire to be a millionaire. I just want to be comfortable somday, and I want to give them what they need...That's all. The money that she took from me? Let's just say it's over $100 grand...WAY.

So, I am feeling sick to my stomach. I am hating her right now, and I hate myself for hating her. I have to find a way to deal with this, and I just don't know how. How can you betray someone like that? She was a grandma to my kids, for their whole lives...and she just walked away...She just walked away... How could have snowed my Dad like that?