Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's Like This

Ok. I have been gone a long time. There has been a lot going on and I am not coping well.
I am not ready to talk about Jessica. Things might not be as bad as I think, but I don't want to talk about it or even dwell on it. I am afraid of jinxing it. For now, she is ok. Well, her boyfriend broke up with her in a text message, but other than that, she is fine.
The concert was incredible. Beyond anything that I could have imagined. Kayla and I had a great time together in Toronto. We spent the day after the concert window shopping and hanging out with KC and Spencer. I love Toronto! We took a pile of photos, but since my pc is still a mess, I haven't been able to download any yet.
I got a card in the mail last week from my blog buddy, Whim. It was handwritten and I can't tell you how wonderful it was to get a real card. I nearly cried when I read it, but I held it together, barely.

Something else happened last week. I can't get into too many details, but we very nearly had one less family family member on Shawns side of the family. One of his nephews was actually stabbed with a screwdriver.
I am not sure if it was because of my meds situation (or lack there of right now) or a serious case of family loyalty, but my reaction to A's stabbing affected me in a way that I shocked even me. I felt an overwhelming need for vengeance and it scared the f**k outta me. I very nearly did something that would have changed the course of many lives - forever.
Geoff is a Major stressor for me right now, too. He refuses to help out at all with Jessica and her braces, but he has money to fly off to Cuba? I have asked him for $1000 and the total is estimated to be about 8 grand. Even with his second job, he is too broke to help. Maybe they are flying there on Steffanie's broom stick and saving money that way. I'll have to ask her what kind of mileage she gets.
I am off my meds. I don't have any left, other than my sleepers, which are not working anymore. I seem unable to do what it is I need to do to get more meds. I seem unable to do anything right now, except to be angry. Life is not much fun right now. For me, or those around me.
Argh. I am not going to whine here, not today. I am just telling it like it is. I know that things could be worse and I am trying to focus on that....The fact that things could be, and have been worse.

I am going to see my Grandmother on Sunday. She lives about 4 hours away and because we don't have a car, getting to Windsor is no easy feat. Spencer is driving us on the weekend and this will be the first time that Shawn will meet my Dad's side of the family.

Hopefully, I will be around more this week. I have missed you all.



Gabriel said...

Whoa. In a way, it's good to hear back from you. But you're going through a lot of crap, and that saddens me. I hopy you, Jess and your family are back to normal soon.

CindyDianne said...

I don't have the words.

Just know I am thinking of you. A lot.

Marni said...


aims said...

Oh Sweetie.

You need your meds. I don't know why you don't have any left - but you need to get some. Is there not any help in Ontario? Like AISH?

I'm sorry you are under this mass of problems. It doesn't help at all!

Huge Huge Hugs.

Burfica said...

We've missed you too Biddie!!! I hope you can get back on the meds you need to help you out.

Your in my prayers hun!!!

big hugggssssssssssss

Heidi the Hick said...

Crap, I just knew it wasn't good there. I just had a feeling.

Please call your doctor, call your shrink, call the mental health association, call everybody. You can't go off the meds and it's almost criminal that you can't get more. Call the disability worker.

I accidentally forgot to take mine on the weeknd and by 4 pm I had the shooting pains and prickly eyeballs. It was a nightmare. i can't imagine what you're going through.

and just to confirm: the geoffanie should be slapped, hard. Just not by you. You don't need the complications.

Heidi the Hick said...

open a new tab or copy and past this into google:


Heidi the Hick said...

C.M.H.A. Help Distress Line
Kitchener ON N2G 1C7
Crisis: (519) 745-1166

The worst part is that at this point you can hardly even pick up a phone. Please do.

I was wondering, on Saturday night when I was in withdrawal agony, if other people go to the hospital when this happens, but there was no way I was gonna go. I knew I just had to stay in the quiet dark and wait it out, til the pills started working again.

Make the call. And call your worker. This isn't supposed to happen that you run out of pills --that's hwat you got disability for.

I'd say call me but I'm not very good iwth the phone these days. Use telepathy instead, okay? xo

debi said...

How can I help? I love you.

captain corky said...

No matter good times or bad, we'll always be here for you Biddie.

Tod said...

I've not been around for a few days. I hope you have got your meds back again.

Gardenia said...

Missed you too Biddy. I'm so glad you did not do what you wanted to do. I've been there - once. Was a good thing I couldn't get my hands on a gun. It doesn't seem fair that here we are sending billions to bail out banks who made stupid decisions and regular folks can't get meds. Lots to be angry about these days.

Camie Vog said...

Hey there! I can tell by the post that things are reaching maximum stress levels. I selfishly wish that you would have emailed to say that you'd be in Windsor... we could have met up for a hug visit. Please take care, Biddie!! I have invited you to join my private blog. Check your email for the invite.


dilling said...

hope all is well....

Anonymous said...

thinking off you and sending you all lots of ((((hugs))) x x x