Monday, October 11, 2010

I just haven't felt like blogging recently. A couple of years ago it was a huge part of my life. While I still have the wonderful friends that I found through my blog, I don't share my daily goings on.
My depression has been deep and dark, for reasons known only to my misfiring brain. I do have some weighty issues on my mind, but that in itself is not the problem.
I find myself laying (lying??) awake at night, obsessing about so many different things. My heart is heavy at the thought that Kayla's childhood is gone. At 19 it was anyway, but this makes everything so final. It feels too soon, too fast, too much. Not the baby itself, but the way in which time passes.
On the other hand, I am rejoicing at the arrival of my grandson, who will be here in less then two months! I see little boys in strollers and my heart sings, knowing that soon enough I will have a wee little boy to hold and love.
Many of my days this past month or so have been spent in my room, on my bed. Not sleeping, but not not sleeping.
I am enjoying a healthier relationship with my Mum that ever before. I still watch what I say - I want to believe that this is all real, but I am cautious. I do love her, and now I can tell her that.
My sister in law is coming for a much anticipated visit. This gives me the kick in the ass that I need to get the house in order. Plus, she is just about the sweetest person that I know.
Ok, just babbling now. I had to write, just write something. For the first time in years I can actually read a book. Is that a side effect of sleeplessness and all of my morose moods?
If it is, then that is one less thing to complain about.



Coffeypot said...

It's not all bad. There are plenty of good stuff in your life, too. You just have to accept that you deserve them. I fight the battle, too. I just don't talk about it because no one cares or understands.

Biddie said...

I hear ya. Nobody else does understand, but I do care :)

Anonymous said...

Well, I am always glad to see a new post from you.
Depression feels like, and can be, the fight of your life. You don't have to win, you just have to keep fighting :)


Anonymous said...

Oh, I nearly forgot! Yay that you are reading again! PP

Gabriel said...

Hey, this is your blog. You do whatever you want with it and we will come and read whenever there's a new post here.

I agree with Coffeypot here, there's a lot of good stuff going on in your life too. Enjoy it, you deserve it. For the rest, well, you have your great family... and you know you have us.

Gardenia said...

Checking in on everyone. I too have been away from blogspot off and on - it seems like life has just been pell mell - perhaps its a good sign that I am much weller than I have been for a long time.

Just went to a Landmark Forum. ( and it took all those traintracks with miles and miles of simultaneous thoughts out of my mind - it is WONDERFUL to have a clear head - a bit harder at night, because our subconscious still works on putting everything right - but still much of that - gone..........its pretty peaceful.

Four Dinners said...

Sorry I've been AWOL a while.

I'm back and blogging again - mind you...that could really push you over the edge eh?...;-)

Love n hugs babe

4D xx