Friday, June 13, 2008

I have been either sleepy, or groggy the past few days and I have gotten very little done. Well, there was KC's graduation. I managed to get my arse out of bed for that.
It was almost the way that I had imagined, except that in my version, there would have been a huge cheering section made up of family and friends. We were told that each graduate could only have two guests, so we didn't even bring Kayla and Jessica. I wish that they could seen their big sister up there, walking across the stage with all of the pomp and circumstance.
It has been an interesting week, to say the least.
I found out that a family member had a baby...A baby that, because of the he-said-she-said game (and family politics) I will never get to hold. In all reality, I will only get to see her if we bump into each other on the street, like the strangers that we have become.
I am mourning the loss of another baby. There will be no firsts for this little one. I am heartbroken for my much loved family members that have lost something - someone - so precious.
I found a long lost love this week, too. Not that he was lost, really, but we lost touch right around the time that Shawn and I started dating. We dated off and on for a couple of years. It so tumultuous. We were either arguing and breaking up, or making up.
He asked me to marry him, finally, after Jessica was born. I turned him down, because I had to. I had to think of the girls.
My long lost love moved out west, leaving me here. It was a painful time, and I felt for years that I had made the wrong choice.
As it turns out, I did do the right thing. I have Shawn, who I love more than anyone, and he has a family of his own.
Still, I think of him from time to time...
We took Jessica to see the doc on Monday. Her AIC average over three months) has come waaay down, and she has gained another pound since she left the hospital. Small victories, but victories all the same. I am so glad that Shawn came to see the doc with us... Going to see the doctor now is like walking that long lonely walk to the gas chamber.
Well, maybe not like THAT, but definitely panic inducing. At least with Shawn there, I am not alone.
My biggest piss off about the whole thing? Jessica's doctor has a med student shadowing him. She seems nice enough, but I have never met her. After we discussed Jessica and her progress, Jessica's doctor asked me - in front of shadowing med student - about my mental health.
I have no problem talking about my situation with the regular doc, but I am not going to discuss private matters with a stranger. Shawn and I left thrilled to bits about Jess, and fuming about the intrusion in our personal lives.
Other than that, I am sleeping, thinking of sleep, or waiting until I can go back to sleep. Lol. It;s okay though. This is just a phase.
That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.


debi said...

Happy happy tp hear Jess is doing well. I agree, Shawn is a keeper. You are family. Love the picture. I am having my mental health or lack thereof week. It is a joy is it not? I want to sleep forever. it's the best thing when you are depressed. I hope you adjust soon and get to wake up again. I know you ya

Gardenia said...

MMMmmmmm, that was kind of inappropriate during your daughter's visit for the doctor to ask you that question, I think. Anyway, I'm glad she's doing well....illness does not just happen to the patient, but to the whole family - er, maybe that's why the doctor asked that question - my friend whose husband had a stroke said a poignant sentence...."It was not just HIS stroke, it way my stroke too."

You sound like you are feeling a bit better.

Ah, those old loves.........interesting how they crop up from time to time. Here's to those "old loves" who have known us as Willie Nelson says....

Anonymous said...

Hey Biddie...I don't normally comment, but I have to say and you may have every right to do this...

If she is a med student and your DR. asks you something that you only want to discuss with your DR. then you ask [or Shawn] to have the med student leave the room.

I don't know how many gazillion times I had to do this when my Dad was sick - but I wasn't comfortable with my Dad being a "test case" for the Med student either....

I don't know if it is dif' in CAN, but in the US you have every right to ask that.

Thought it might be a little help you seem to need right now.

Take care and glad to see your lil' girl is doing better!

Biddie said...

debi - I am feeling a bit better today. Yesterday I was in bed most of the day. Today, I was up at 11:30 am which is a heck of a lot better then the past few days. Mind you, I am too sore to sleep anymore. My eyes are barely open. lol
I know that it will get better. Part of my problem is that I very depressed right now. The combination of sleepers and sadness isn't exactly helping right now.
I hope that you are feeling better today. There must be something in the air with all of this sadness.

gardenia - I am so thrilled with Jessicas progress. She looks good, feels good, and has more energy. Maybe the weather change has something to do with it. Dunno. I am just beside myself with joy that she is better.
I am feeling better than last week, but I still feel very blah. Once I get used to these meds, I am sure that I will feeling much better.
Ah...My old love. It's funny...I had this vision in my minds eye of what he would look like. Of course, he has aged in these past 13-ish years, just as I have. lol
He did so much for me, and I will never be able to repay him. I am happy that he seems happy.

anon - I would have asked the other doc (med student, whatever) to leave but I was so taken aback by the whole thing. I am the person that brought up my mental health problems with Jessicas team of doctor, nurse, and dietician I am ok talking to them about my personal life. I have known most of them for 10 years. I am not however, comfortable discussing my mental health (or lack there of ) with someone that I have just met.
If it happens again, I will take your advice. :)

Heidi the Hick said...

I don't think he had to ask about that in front of the student. She's there for a different reason. I totally understand that you woulnd't want to discuss it in front of someone you don't know/ don't trust.


Don't ever be ashamed. Don't let him make you feel like he's saying crazy like it's a bad thing.

Anyways... my meds are staying the same this month. Not sure if that's good or bad but at least I don't feel like puking all the time! Yay! Sort of! I think!

Anonymous said...

so good to hear Jess is doing well.
and what happened to the patient confident trust huh, i mean it was Jess who had the appointment right, if you had asked for treatment they would have shot you down.
but biddie son't let it get you girl, (((hugs)))
and also big congrats to KC

ldbug said...

Those dreams babe? They're your awesome life. You've got lovely daughters, a man who loves you and friends who care.

Keep the dreams out here, awake where we can care for you.

And don't worry about students, they are half out of their minds with studies so don't remember anything anyway;-P

Take care and thinking of you!


Biddie said...

heidi - It's not that I am ashamed, it's just that I don't feel the need to share all of the details of my life with everyone that crosses my path.
That being said, I have a long way...I WAS ashamed for a very long time. When you tell people that you have a mental illness, they lock away their money and hide the knives.
I'm glad that your meds are finally starting to work for you. If I were feeling pukey all of the time, I would have given up....

Biddie said...

Little wanderer - I was wondering about that myself. It was Jessicas appointment, not mine.. Anyway, next time I will ask to have everyone but the doc leave the room.
Jessica is looking great. I am so proud of her. She has hard at bringing down her AIC.
Then there's KC graduating from college...Too much excitement and good news all at once!

whimsical brainpan said...

That is such great news about Jess!

I hope the groggy phase ends soon.

I can understand why the presence of a med-student might bother you. Having been treated in a teaching hospital for so many years I know what a valuable experience it is for them. They are there to learn, not judge. After a while I got really used to the interns and was even pleased to know that I was helping them learn.

Tod said...

Hello, I've not been around much. I hurt my back and was staying away from typing. I'm glad that Jess is doing well. I hate it when doctors pull that student malarky. blech...