Monday, September 25, 2006

Missing You


I have been missing my Dad a lot lately. He passed away 7 years ago, shortly after my 30th birthday. It wasn't a shock, my Dad had been living with a terminal illness for about 10 years. The 1st couple of years we could almost pretend that he wasn't sick. He still worked, volunteered at the church, was a member of the board-of-trade in our small town. He was tired, breathed heavier, struggled a little more with everyday things. Eventually, his energy waned altogether, and he was home bound. The day that he had to surrender his drivers licence was one of the hardest.
My Dad used to race stock cars. He was a body guard at rock concerts. He played hockey. After my Mum left us, he took over as mom and dad. I remember a mother/daughter tea party with my brownie troupe. We made paper plate hats with tissue paper flowers. My Dad not only came, he also proudly wore the hat.
We didn't always get along. I recently found a letter written during my rebellious teen years, to him, lamenting about the "shit" that I put up with from my Dad.
How he didn't kill me, I'll never know.
I can remember my Dad telling me solemly that 'someday, when you have kids, you will understand.' I do.
He not only loved his kids, he loved his grandkids. My 3 girls were the loves of his life. The day that KC was born, he cried openly, tears running down his cheeks as he held his 1st granchild. I had only seen him cry once before, at the funeral of his mother.
He would drop everything to be with his little girls. He doted on them as much as he could, as much as his terrible illness would allow.
I miss him so much. Even after 7 years, I still find myself reaching for the phone, to tell him a joke, or ask his advice. He was my best friend. Really, he was. I told him everything.
He never got to meet my new Hubby, and I know that he would loved him. He never got to see J take her 1st Communion. He never got to see KK or KC graduate from grade 8. In 3 weeks, KC will be getting her high school diploma, and I know that he would be so proud. I know that KC feels the loss of her Grampie just as much today as she did 7 years ago.
I hated watching my Dad waste away. In the end, eating lunch would tire him out so much that he nearly fell asleep during each meal. He could no longer speak to me on the phone, but instead would listen as I rattled on about my day. I am so happy that my Dad isn't suffering. Nobody deserved the ravaging disease that stole him away from us. I am happy that he can run, race his cars, breathe without an oxygen tube now. I know that he is doing all of these things in Heaven. I believe. I know that someday, I will see him again. I know this the same way that I know my name, or the day that each of my girls were born.
Until then, I guess that I will have to cherish my memories. Here's to you Daddy, until we meet again.

15 comments:

Heidi the Hick said...

He was a great man.

Thank God he knew how much you loved him.

Hugs.

Life, or Something Like It said...

Heidi-I knew that you wouldn't go to bed without reading it. I told my dad every day that I loved him.
I miss him so much, Heidi. So glad that you knew him.

Tod said...

That was very moving.

Marni said...

VERY sweet and touching. I'm positive he is looking down on you and your family - and beaming with pride.

Nonny said...

This post brought a tear to my eye. Very sweet and touching. My father is still alive but doesn't have anything to do with his children or grandchildren. It's nice to read about a father who actually excepted and embraced his resposibilities. You were lucky to have him :)

FOUR DINNERS said...

He's got a great daughter like me. 'N he knows it. x

ldbug said...

You were lucky to have such a great Dad, just as he was lucky to have such a wonderful daughter who will always remember him.

I can't remember where I read this, but 'our children are our immortality' which is true, as long as someone remembers, no-one ever really goes away.

dilling said...

Daddies....

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Life, or Something Like It said...

Hi, guys. Thanks for reading my sappy stuff. I was just missing him so much lately.
nonny- I have a mom and a mum. Neither one have anything to do with me or my kids. It hurts, but it's their loss. Too bad about your Dad. he really is missing out on so much. You are an amazing person, and I feel sorry for him.

her indoors said...

that was lovely, i still miss my mum after 13 years, it still hurts but like your dad she was termially ill and i take comfort that she is free from all the pain.

mjd said...

Beautiful tribute to your father...from your post, I can tell he was a good man and that he would be proud of you.
Take care.

The Adult in Question said...

I miss him all the time...I think about him all the time. It took me a couple days to read this because as soon as I saw the title I knew what it was about and I didn't want to cry.

Anonymous said...

Hey hun that was lovely, I know exactly how you feel I lost my mum nearly 4yrs ago now and still feel the same, but it makes us feel a little better knowing they are not suffering any more, so here's to your dad my mum and anyone else's loved ones that have passed on we still love and miss you all.

Dead Beat Mom said...

Your father knows somehow someway that you made this tribute to him. He is proud I bet. My mother died 2 years ago and I miss her so much. I also know that I am to enjoy the gift of life while I am here and someday we will meet again. My moto is death is a part of life not the end. It must be beautiful where they are as those that pass over dont seem to want to come back and tell us all about it. So I guess we all will find out one day.