Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Whole Truth

I live with bi-polar, depression, and OCD. It's not easy for me, or for those that love me. I don't work, I can't work. I would like to, most days, anyway. I used to work at a grocery store, and before that I worked at the morgue in the hospital. I liked working, I liked the way that it made me feel. I liked bringing home money, even if it was only minimum wage. I liked the feeling of helping people, and more than anything, working made me feel useful, productive, needed.
Most of my life, I have struggled with committment in various forms. It's difficult to say that 'YES, I will be there!' when you have a panic attack at the thought of getting on the bus. Sometimes, I can get on the bus, but then the panic sets in. How will I get OFF of the bus when it's packed? What if it's late, or I'm on the wrong one? Some days, I feel well enough to work, but I know that this feeling will only last for days, sometimes even hours. In fact, in the past year I have applied for jobs and volunteer positions. I even went through most of the training needed to work with Alzheimer's patients - my dream job. I did everything, until I had to spend an afternoon in a nursing home shadowing someone. It should have been no big deal. I did my PSW training at 3 different nursing homes. I just couldn't do it.
In fact, even though I graduated with honours, even though I loved working with the elderly, even though I felt better than I had in years, I still barely finished my course. I fell into a deep depression, and begged my teacher to let me drop out. Thankfully, they worked with me so that I could graduate. Becoming a PSW was the life long dream that I had always yearned for. I was helping people, and loving it.
So, I graduated, and that was almost 3 years ago. I wound up at the hospital within months of finishing, and I have been in limbo ever since.
Most days are a struggle for me. My manic days are now few and far between. I can't remember the last time that I truly felt good, or laughed and enjoyed myself. Maybe it was boxing day.
The truth is that I am hard to live with. I can not work, and most days I am lucky to make it into the tub before 1:00. I don't return phone calls, or leave the house on my own, or do housework. I see the way that the house looks, and it depresses me. I want to cry, and I usually do. I struggle to do the basics. I make Shawn a lunch, most everyday. I feed the dogs, do some laundry, and take care of the bunnies. I don't read the way that I used to, because my concentration isn't there. I forget things. Big things. I have plugged in the kettle, and left it to burn dry. I have forgotten appointments, and loathe the thought of even going to one.
I can not work, and it looks like I won't be working for quite sometime.
This can put a strain on any relationship. Apparently, it has put a big one on mine.
I don't know what to do. I am on a waiting list for a new Dr. Even when I do get a Dr., I won't have money for my meds. We can't afford that. I'm looking at a few hundred dollars a month....I was on 3 kinds of meds before, and they were still tweaking and perfecting it.
I feel so lost. If my relationship fails, I will be out on the street. That is the reality. I can not support myself, and even if I got disability, it can take years to kick in.
The truth is, I think that my relationship IS over. The whole truth is, I don't know if I care.

26 comments:

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I hope things work out for you and I am here if you need me. The one thing I want you to remember though is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You did not choose to be/feel this way. Who the hell would! You need to be gentle with yourself. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Life, or Something Like It said...

whimsical- I know that it's not my fault...Everyone else seems to forget. I wish that I were normal. That's all. I would give just about anything to not feel like this, and I am tired of people calling me lazy. If it were only laziness, it would be a much smaller problem...
Anyway, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want to not be judged.
Thanks for the hugs!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

What you have is my empathy, not my sympathy and no judgement at all.

Life, or Something Like It said...

whimsical - I didn't mean you! No, no. I meant the people in my life, the people that I deal with everyday. Thanks for you empathy, and your hugs!

Heidi the Hick said...

It's true- it's not your fault.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize your day was this bad. I don't believe that it's over. The depression makes you think this because it's evil. Depression distorts things.

Please hang in there. You are much loved and valuable!!!

captain corky said...

Hang in there! I wish there was more that I could do for you. I'm here.

CindyDianne said...

Biddie - it's a bad day in a bad time in your life. I can see that even if you hadn'nt just told us. Here's the thing, don't believe your relationship is over. There is that truth floating out there called self-fulfilling prophesy. Concentrate, as much as you can, on what you DO want. Whatever plans you make, make them a if the reality you want for yourself is already happening.

This might do a couple things: 1. get your dreams started again. All of us need to have dream of where we want our life to go. 2. Get you headed in a positive direction. 3. Have you concentrating on something other than how tough it is right now. I know it is really, really hard on you and your family. You all have my empathy. If I can help in anyway, just let me know.

Nonny said...

Awwww honey, I hate that you're feeling this way. I know you can't help it, but I wish there was something you could do. I know the meds are expensive, but alot of the drug companies have ways to help those who can't afford medications they need. Even giving them to them for free. I know how to fill out those applications and would be more than willing to help. I'm glad you at least recognize what is going on, but I wish you wouldn't blame yourself for something that is totally out of your control. I really hope you can work things out with hubby. Please hang in there (((HUG))).

drunk punk said...

wish I lived down the road. Had mental problems on and off meself. Thought 'sod it I'm nuts' and carried on regardless. I'm not easy to live with either. I'm either really high or very low. Learned to hide the lows most of the time but Caz knows. Drink a lot when I'm down and, even though alcohol is a depressant, I go high again. I'm weird. Don't drink loads it only works for me!

wish I could be nearer and be there. I am. sort of. x

Life, or Something Like It said...

Hi, Guys. I'm here, reading, but I just don't much feel like writing. I've been to everyone's blog, I wish that Drunk Punk was a bus driver around here. That would make me smile.
Thanks for the hugs and nice words. I don't know how things'll play out today. I guess that's part of the reason that I just feel like writing. Too much going on in my head......

Life, or Something Like It said...

DON'T feel like writing. Grr...

Tod said...

I hope you feel able to take some of CindyDianne's advice Biddie. You need to be able to see a way forward through all this. Sorry I've got no wise words for you except I hope it all goes OK.

coffeypot said...

I’m too depressed to talk about it. But I do know what you are saying. I’m not bipolar, but I do have my times with depression. Then I just go to a mirror and soak in all the beauty I see and I feel better. Actually, I go for a walk. The fresh (smoggy) air seems to clear my head and makes me feel better. It may work for you, or not. All the advice given is good to read, but you have to work it out for yourself. Just know that you have friends ready to help in anyway we can – except sex. Can’t do that! Sweet Tea carries a shotgun.

snowbug said...

I wish I knew what to say to help. Know people are thinking of you and that you are special and loved. And, this will sound very silly, but I do it every day, I think of the good things I have in my life at any moment. Usually start with small, like a good coffee. Then, a sunny day, a great roommate, my cat, my family. I think these things whenever I begin to feel lonely or sad or depressed. It sounds silly, and doesn't always work, but it helps to concentrate for just a moment of the day on the good.

Most bad things I end up forcing myself not to dwell on them. I over simplify and just deal with the things I can control, one at a time, day by day.

I like this quote: "Obsticles are those ugly things that get in the way when you take your eyes off your goal." Unknown

My goal is to keep smiling, it helps.

So that's what I do, if it helps you keep a smile around.

she said: said...

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. It is easy to get "stuck" for a while. I think it is hard to have a mate when you have depression. You can never fully just crawl in bed and shut out the world the way you would like. So I think it prolongs the down days. I do hope you find a better groove soon though.

Tom Bailey said...

OCD about as many positive things as possible this way you at least enjoy your disorder. Well that is what a friend with OCD has told me.

her indoors said...

if only we could live near you, just hope that knowing we all support you and all send lots of love and hugs to you helps you through the day, its not a nice thing to suffer with been on and off drugs since i was 15, be strong and beleive in yourself lots of hugs girl xxxxxxxxx

Kate Isis said...

Hugs for you biddie girl you hang in there. xoxoxox

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

You'll always have it Life (and all the hugs you need too).

Marni said...

{{{ hugs }}}

Call me if you need to. I'm here for you, honey.

SkippyMom said...

Hey girlie. Who loves you? We do...especially your special little friend - I agree with everyone on here...you should know this is NOT your fault - please stop beating yourself up for something you can't control - Perhaps when you do get to the Doc they will have some samples to get you started [so you don't pay at first] and once you start feeling better [I know the meds take time] it will change things around - but you have to take a step in that direction.

We all love you too dang much - and I haven't gotten my passport yet!!! hee ;D

[ploink!]

Hugs sweetie....I call you later today, kay?

drunk punk said...

you ok babe? there's a lot of peeps huggin yer out there. stay strong. x

Camie Vog said...

Oh, Biddiegirl!
I am sorry to read this. You and I have touched on this topic before... Remember, it will go up again, that is the cyclical pattern. I do hope you can get and afford the meds. They will so help take the edge off of what is happening. I am also concerned about your feelings about hubby. I doubt that he is going to bail on you. He has been with you long enough to know you very well. I think that it is the downer part of what you are feeling that is making you suspect he will do so. I know that he is a good man, and will continue to stick by you.
I send you lots of love, and I did get your email. I promise to send one your way over the weekend. Oh, and fuck cleaning the house... and the laundry, don't EVEN bother folding it after you wash it. When I finally come to visit you over this summer, and your all stressed out over what you think I am thinking about your house...Remember that my place will most likely be looking the same as yours, dirty toilets and all! ;)

her indoors said...

hey how are you girl? x

Erika said...

my heart truly goes out to you.
i suffer from anxiety and depression and am on disability now. I'm a single parent and a birth mother, so at times i know how it feels to be overwhelmed.

sometimes i think society can be so cruel, and sometimes we need o give ourselves a break. we can be our own worst critic. as for housework and getting out of the house i am with you on that sister!
if only ppl knew what kind of struggle it is to get even the simplest of tasks done.

i wonder about similar things you mention. will i ever be able to have a relationship? will i be able to contribute and help others in terms of work? ppl just dont kno....and why crucify yourself when you need to be on YOUR side..

cara winsor hehir said...

biddie - this is the first time i checked out your blog but i know of you through heidi and dilling.
i have to say i was intrigued by your post today and was having a look around your archieves and i came across this statement
"The truth is that I am hard to live with. I can not work, and most days I am lucky to make it into the tub before 1:00. I don't return phone calls, or leave the house on my own, or do housework. I see the way that the house looks, and it depresses me. I want to cry, and I usually do. I struggle to do the basics. I make Shawn a lunch, most everyday. I feed the dogs, do some laundry, and take care of the bunnies. I don't read the way that I used to, because my concentration isn't there. I forget things. Big things. I have plugged in the kettle, and left it to burn dry. I have forgotten appointments, and loathe the thought of even going to one.
I can not work, and it looks like I won't be working for quite sometime."
i could have written this...
i go through extended periods were i am running on shut down mode, i do come out of them but it sure doesn't go to the other extreme, it is more plugging along then prolific.
how are you feeling now?