Bad Day at the office! (HILARIOUS)

I have watched this again and again...It makes me realize that I really haven't had THAT bad of a day.

My creative juices are just NOT flowing these days. I lay awake for hours at night, and think of amazing stories, interesting topics, funny little blurbs. At 3 am, it flows. The problem is that when I sit in front of the computer, when my fingers find the keyboard, I go blank. Worse yet, I know what I want to write, but my mind freezes. I can't remember how to spell certain words, words that are simple, words that I use every day. I stumble, and falter. I can not put the words together, my concentration fails, my thoughts race.

For me, this is worst part of my depression.

I can't read, either. I mean, I CAN, I haven't forgotten how, but there's the concentration thing. I forget what I have read, or I can't stop my thoughts from racing long enough to focus on the book in front of me.

I hate it.

I hate it more than the mood swings, or the crying spells, or even the paralyzing anxiety that keeps me prisoner in my own home.

I hate feeling like this.

My Family

I copied this from Her Indoors. Isn't it cute? Of course, we are all MUCH better looking in person.

My family is: Shawn, me (Biddie), KC (with the shopping bag), Kayla, Jessica, Ruby Tuesday, Buddy, Porkchop, Jackie (the rabbit, but we have a couple more),and last, but not least, Bird (we have 4, actually, but he is the loudest and most annoying)

Oh, wait! I forgot someone - you recognize him, right? It's my American cousin, Captain Corky!

SexyBack (Kirk/Spock)

Happy Birthday, Captain Corky!
Just for you, some Captain Kirk.

Have a great day!

Date Night

I am so excited! Date night is TONIGHT and I get to pick the movie. Of course, anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE to be scared. So, of course we're going to 30 Days Of Night.

It seems like it has been so long since Shawn and I have done anything fun, and I can hardly wait!

Home To Stay

Sigh.

Well, we are home. We were lucky enough to get mediation instead of dealing with the judge. There was a huge pile of people and I am sure that we would still be sitting there if we hadn't done mediation.

Our landlord was there, with the treasurer, the previous landlord (he retired at 90 while he was still young), and another guy, the other landlord that I refuse to deal with. It was a frickin circus. Our previous landlord, Mike didn't really need to be there, but he came just to be in our corner.

Really. He talked the new landlord into letting us make payments every week. Since Shawn and I finished paying off his employer, he is back to full payhecks. Winter is coming, and he may have less hours, but I think that we can live with this agreement. The payments are do-able.

Bottom line? We are not going to be homeless. Not this month, anyway.

Maybe our luck is changing. Thanks for all of the prayers, everyone. I am convinced that without all of my friends, we would be looking for moving boxes right now. I'm not kidding.

Thanks :)

Shawn and I are on our way to Tribunal (small claims court) to see if we will be evicted. It looks bad for us.

The landlord is willing to work out a payment plan, but the rest of the church isn't. This has to work for us, becaause we have NO money to move. If a judement is made against us, we will have approx. 10-20 days to move. I just can't see how I will find a place, come up with 1st and last, and do all of packing in 10-20 days. I know that we owe this money. I will spend the rest of my life paying it off if we get the chance.

I am just praying for the chance.

My internet is going crazy today, so instead of posting what I wanted to, I am just posting more photos to make you all smile :)

I haven't been able to leave comments, but I have been reading. I'm lurking.

It's The Great Pumpkin

On Friday morning I take Jessica to see her doctor, just to make certain that everything is ok. Her blood sugar levels are still too high, so I think that we have to adjust her insulin. That's ok, we knew that this could happen. Once she started gaining her weight back and being more active, she probably wasn't getting enough. I am hopeful that her doctor will tell us that she has gained back even more weight, and that she is out of the woods. She must have gained back SOME weight, because she is now wearing 'fat' jeans.

Size one.

I swear, I still have a hard time talking about it. I haven't been this scared since she was 1st diagnosed, 9+ years ago.

Next week Shawn and I are going to the Tribunal (court for landlord tenant issues). I think that this is the end of the line for us. We owe too much money. We will probably be given about 2 weeks to move. I am scared shitless.

The good news is that our debt is now PAID to Shawns boss. Whoo Hoo! Of course, now there is a work slow down, and he will be scrounging for work over the winter. Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out, would you? If you are the praying kind, I'll some more of those too. You all did such a wonderful job with Jessie last week.

I got word back about my disability, too. I was turned down. I am so disappointed, but I knew that this would happen. I was warned by everyone that most people are turned down the 1st time that they apply. I will fight it, and keep trying. I am not looking for money, just the health benefits. That's all. I just want to be healthy enough to work. That's all. I want to be a part of the 'real' world again.

So, that's it. That's what has been on my mind for the past few days. I keep thinking that things have to get better.
They HAVE to. We have been in a slump for a year. Our time to shine must be right around the corner.
Has to be :)

My Little Monster

My little monster got out today. I was checking the mail about five minutes after her best buddy Larry left, and she snuck out. She was running up and down the street when a guy from the SPCA found her. When he tried to pick her up, she ran home. I wouldn't even have opened the door if I wouldn't have heard Ruby yapping her head off on the wrong side of the door.

I had to spend $8 buying her a new tag, because I lost hers many months ago. I only found the eight bucks yesterday as I was cleaning up.

My heart is still racing. She is such a brat. I was just about to hop in the tub, and I didn't even realize that she was gone. I wonder if the SPCA guy wandering by at just the right moment and the 'found' money were divine intervention?

I have a lot on my mind lately. There has been a lot going on, and not just with Jessica. Things have been crappy any way you slice it. I am not going to go into all of that right now, I am going to deal with the most pressing issue. I need help from all of buddies with this one.





What should Shawn and I be for Hallowee'n?





You don't understand the pressure. Each year has to better than the last. One year, Shawn was Elvis, and I was his screaming fan. I followed him everywhere. Then, there was the year that I was the Paper Bag princess aned Shawn was an angry housewife. Oh yeah. He wore a robe and a hair net, and lipstick. Don't believe me?

I thought that this year maybe we could be Dog and Beth. Shawn can't stand the thought of putting seashells and feathers in his long flowing locks, even if it is a wig. I would need the best push up bra ever, but hey, sacrifices MUST be made.


Shawns other big idea is a cooler on our heads.

Why?

Because cooler heads will prevail.


So, friends, you can see my problem. I need my costume to be unique, fun, and most of all, cheap.

Any suggestions?

Jessie is Home!!

Well, Jessica is home, at last. The doctor came in this morning and decided that she was well enough to go home and enjoy the long weekend. We have to back in a week, to make sure that everything is ok and to have a couple of tests done.

I am SO relieved. It has been a long week, for everyone. Kayla and KC missed school on Tuesday, because they were both so worried about her. Shawn has had less hours at work, so he was able to be the hospital more, but between both work and hanging out at the hospital, he is exhausted. The puppies are so happy to have the youngest member of the pack home. So is the cat, I think.

KC is so thankful that her baby sister is home that she has promised to stay home with us all weekend. You don't know what that means. We usually get cameo appearances from her. You know, being 19, in college, working and having a boyfriend. KC and I have spent more time together this week, watching over Jessica, then we have in months. Strange, how things liek this either make you or break you as a family.

As for Jessica herself, she is beyond happy to be back in her own home. It took us about three minutes to pack up her room this morning. She is itching to get back on line with her friends and make some plans. She even misses school. Poor kid. I wonder if they checked her temperature before we left?

So, everything will be back to normal. The sisters will be squabbling, the house will be trashed (is already), the house will settle into it's routine once again. There is one thing that will be different, though.

I will be different. I will be more thankful this Thanksgiving. This has been a huge wake up call for all of us here. I was reminded, once again, how quickly things can change, how quickly someone that you love can be taken away from you.

I have a lot to be thankful for. My family is together, under the same roof. I have the worldest best blog buddies,and, life, for the most part, is good.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'll be back in a couple of hours to get caught up. right now, I'm getting caught up on sleep.

Jessica Might Be Home Today !!!! (Well, Friday)

Well. I made to the hospital early this morning, in time to see the doctor. He is hopefull that Jessica will be home tomorrow. The original plan was to keep her for a week, but it is the long weekend, and she is doing so much better. She is putting the weight back on, and her blood sugar is leveling out. Everything has been changed - the amount of insulin that she is getting, the carb counting, and even when she gets her insulin. It seems to be working. Oh, we have a brand new monitor, too.

We will have to see the doctor more frequently for the next little while. I don't mind. I just want my baby back home with me. The house is so empty and quiet without her.

I have been reading all of the comments from everyone. Please don't think that because I am not commenting that I am not reading. I am just so darn tired when I get home every night. Your support has kept me going. Honestly, you will never know what it means to me.

I'll let you know the minute that I know whether or not we are all under the same roof again. Keep thinking good thoughts.

Biddie xx

Updates

What a day. I was late getting to the hospital today, and I left a little earlier. I still put in my 12 hours, and I feel completely spent.

Jessica and I had a visitor today. My blog buddy Gabriel came by to say hi and to lend us some moral support. It was a wonderful surprise, and he lifted our spirits. He was so funny, and sweet. He offered to come back with his kids to see Jessica. I can hardly believe it, but he actually got Jessica to talk. You have no idea what an amazing feat that was! Seriously. We were still smiling after he left.

Jessica also had her puppy stop by. That's right. Ruby came to the hospital to see Jess. We couldn't bring her in, but we all sat outside while Jess had a visit with her doggie. Grandma Lynn came by, too, and brought Jessie some movies to watch. Shawn and I stepped out around 7:30 for a biteto eat, and two of Jessica's school friends came by. I was so happy, that almost made me cry. I think it helped Jessica tremendously. It has been a long few days, and has been feeling lonely and bored.

I STILL haven't seen the doctor. He told Jessica early in the morning that he wanted to have her home by the weekend. She is worried that she will miss Thanksgiving, which is just a few days away. Shawn and I have assured her that there will be NO Thanksgiving until our baby is home.

She has gained about 2 pounds back, but her blood sugars are still way off. Heidi and I were talking about that today, and while I want my baby back home, I am somewhat relieved to see that this is something that is not my fault. If her blood sugar is still wonky after a few days in the hospital, then there really is something wrong. I am just so happy that we caught this in time. I am not sure about the damage to her kidneys, or what the long term affects will be. I may know more after I speak with the doctor tomorrow.

Thank you again for all of the support. I just can't tell you what it means to me, and Jessica. The whole family, really, including my bff, Heidi.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

It's 11 pm, and I have been home about 15 minutes. The first thing that I did was read all of the comments that everyone left for me. Then, I read Heidi's blog. Then, I cried.

I am trying like hell to hold it together for Jessica, and the rest of the family. I leave her room when I need to cry, and I try not to show how upset I am. She is still upset about missing school, and I wonder if she realizes just how close she actually came to dying. The doctors words to me yesterday were "If we don't admit her today, she will die." I keep replaying that moment in my head.

She looks better today, and even though her kidneys are damaged, I think that we caught the problem just in time. Her cheeks are already rosier, and she wants to go home. It's going to be a little while yet. Her blood sugars are still all over the place. She had a very low bg last night at 2 am. Her insulin needs to be adjusted, and alll of the kinks need to be worked out.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. THANK YOU. I can not tell you how much it means to me. I don't have a super supportive family (in town) and I have been feeling very much alone. Tonight, I feel like a part of a family.
Thank you.

Where Do I Start?

We went to Jessica's appointment today. It did not go as well as I wanted. In fact, it was worse that I ever could have imagined.

Jessica has lost 11 pounds off of her tiny frame, bringing her weight to a whopping 89 pounds. She is so underweight. She is losing her hair, and her kidneys are failing.

How did I not notice?

Good question. I knew that she had lost weight. I knew that her blood sugars were running higher than they should. I did NOT know that her monitor was off by 25%, and that she was giving herself too much insulin. We have the monitor checked every time she sees her doctor.

I lost it. I was crying my eyes out before I even knew how sick she was.

My thoughts are everywhere right now. I don't even know if I am making sense. All I know is that Jessica is in the hospital, and she will be there for a week, maybe more. I don't know what else is happening. I'll know more tomorrow when I go back.

I feel like the world's worst mom right now. My baby is at the hospital, facing God knows what.

I'll let you know when I know more.

Biddie

Today

Today is one of those days that I dread. I have to take Jessie to see her specialist. I always feel like a little kid being dragged into the principals office. Her doctor is a great doctor,but I dread it just the same.

Jessica's blood sugars have NEVER been where they should be. Since the day that she was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 3, we have struggled. Now that she is older, and away from me so much, be it at school or with her friends, I have even less control over what happens with her. We check her bg, buy her the sugar free stuff, make sure that she does her needles....It doesn't seem to matter. Her boold sugars stay the same.

SIGH..

It all comes back on me because I am the mom. Of course it does. I can barely manage my own life right now, never mind keeping on top of Jessica. I always worry that her sperm donor will put up a fuss and start custody proceedings. Silly, really, because he hasn't seen her years, doesn't call, and is disputing the amount of support that he should be paying. He has become very spiteful, hateful even, and I just can't shake the feeling that he is looking for any reason to cause me trouble. (He has been a real pain lately, I just haven't blogged about it. It brings me down too much to even discuss it)

So, in another hour or so we will head out to the hospital to see her doctor. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes well. I will breathe easy when we are home again. Wish us well.