Saturday, October 27, 2007

My creative juices are just NOT flowing these days. I lay awake for hours at night, and think of amazing stories, interesting topics, funny little blurbs. At 3 am, it flows. The problem is that when I sit in front of the computer, when my fingers find the keyboard, I go blank. Worse yet, I know what I want to write, but my mind freezes. I can't remember how to spell certain words, words that are simple, words that I use every day. I stumble, and falter. I can not put the words together, my concentration fails, my thoughts race.

For me, this is worst part of my depression.

I can't read, either. I mean, I CAN, I haven't forgotten how, but there's the concentration thing. I forget what I have read, or I can't stop my thoughts from racing long enough to focus on the book in front of me.

I hate it.

I hate it more than the mood swings, or the crying spells, or even the paralyzing anxiety that keeps me prisoner in my own home.

I hate feeling like this.

35 comments:

Kate Isis said...

Much hugs hun, I know how you feel, I went through something simmilar this year while at school, I just couldn't read the words on the board, I couldn't concentrate and yep, stunningly amazing insightful words at 3am and a blank horrid white computer screen when push came to shove.
Its enough to make you scream and doesn't help the condition any but it will pass.
Thats part of the reason that the Thunderbolt Friday series started for me, it was a bit of research and a bit of imagination, but it meant less blank screen for a little while.
Thinking of you xoxoxoxox

rain said...
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rain said...

Oops sorry - that was me - had a brain freeze for a moment. What I was saying was - and I know this from years of experiance with early waking insomnia. Do not - do not - just lay there unless you are feeling happy to do so. The minute you get a dark thought, get up, read, watch tv (nothing puts me back to sleep like Family Guy) whatever, but do not lay there. The other thing is - it will get better. you know it. Hang in there.

Babzy said...

I had to read your post twice before I realized it wasn't me who wrote it. I have EXACTLY the same symptoms.

Phoenix5 said...

I know how you feel. Just keep in mind this little saying, "This too, shall pass!" It helped me cope through some very dark times.

I'm not sure about your exact situation, whether you're on medication, or not, but in my own circumstances, I had to get fired from a horrible job, take medication for a year, then find a much more rewarding job for my depression to finally be overcome. The first medication I was on made me much worse, and I insisted my doctor change it. The second medication worked wonders for me. I wish you all the best, my friend, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Alekx said...

Maybe this sounds stupid but would an audio book maybe help break over the concentration threshold.
Good luck.

Tod said...

I get insominia sometimes and force myself out of bed. Rain is right, go do something else, it is better than lying there.

Heidi the Hick said...

HOney, don't go to the keyboard. Pick up a pen. Spell words wrong, mangle sentences, write stuff that makes no sense at all.

It's okay.

I have learned something in the last year:

IT GETS EASIER. The more you write nonsensical stupid stuff that is full of mistakes, the easier it gets to just write.

The beautiful surprise is that some day you'll realize that something good came out of your pen.

Please trust me on this because I have learned it first hand. I love you, you're an awesome person, and you've got a brain full of amazing ideas and stories and you're one of the funniest people I know.

(one sentence at a time. Hell, one WORD at a time if that's what it takes. It helps. It really does help!)

xxo

Guilty Secret said...

I'm so sorry. I have been there too. The inability to concentrate is so frustrating. Hope it passes soon.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

(((HUGS)))

Feel better soon. Know that you are in my thoughts.

dilling said...

Yeah...get up and write that shit down at 3 am or whenever...really. We don't mind, ya know! I'm usually up watching the crackheads out the window anyway. Once it's out, or down, in pen and ink(or on the computer), maybe you could get a good sleep in...
or? I don't know what I am talking about...

Biddie said...

kate isis - I wish that I could concentrate enough to do some research. I Know that when I am back on my meds, I will be fine, but when will that be?
ARGH!
I'm glad to know that I am not the only incredibly interesting and insightful person at 3 am!
Thanks for the hugs :)

rain - I know that this will get better, but I need my medication. Without my meds, I am afraid that I will just sink deeper into this abyss.
You're right, though. Next time I WILL get up and flick on the TV. There has to be something on in the middle of the night to put me out!


babzy - LOL. That made me smile, actually. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this.
Have you been diagnosed with any form of depression, or are you just going through a hard time?


pheonix5 - I am bi polar, and have anxiety and I suffer from chronic depression. I am not medicated, and that is why I am feeling so low.
I can't afford my meds and until I can get them on some kind of drug plan, or through disability, I am left in this limbo.
I have been on lots of different meds throught the years, and I know what you mean about some being worse than others.
I was on Topomax the last time, and I have been on Effexor,and....you name it.

alekx - I think that's a great idea, actually. Now, maybe Heidi will put her book on audio tape for me? I should look into that.
Thanks :)


Tod - Sometimes I will get up, but lately I have been soooo tired. You know how it is, I keep thinking that if I just lay there a little while longer, I will fall asleep...I think that the next time I can't sleep, I'll watch my Puff'n'Stuff dvd. Nobody will watch it with me, anyway.


Heidi - Hmmm. A pen. I have not done that in SOOO long. The funny thing is, I never thought that I would be able to write on the computer. Funny, isn't it?
I will keep trying the one word at a time thing.
Promise. :)

Heidi the Hick said...

Okay! Deal!

...what the heck were we talking about again?



I forget...

Biddie said...

guilty secret - Thanks :) I hope that it passes soon, too. I miss reading sooo much.

whim - Thanks. It's nice to know that I am not alone :)

dilling - I'm going to have to try to do that from now on. I can watch crack heads, too, on some nights. We have one next door that likes to look at the sky. He'll just stare at the stars all hours of the night. I wouldn't mind so much, but he will sometimes do it from our lawn.
Yuck.

heidi - LOL. Ok, deal.

Chellie said...

Hey Biddie! It's me! I'm back. Come visit. I miss you!

Biddie said...

chellie - So good to see you again! I was JUST thinking about you.

coffeypot said...

What do you have to be depressed about? What if you looked like me? How would you like to look into the mirror each morning and see my old, wrinkled face looking back at you? It's enough to make Billy Graham say, "GOOOOD DAMMMMNNNNN." Now I’m depressed all over again.

Biddie said...

coffeypot - LOL. It is kind of late for someone your age to be up...

Dorky Dad said...

I feel your pain, I really do. I've had many, many days like that.

Do you have a notebook or something you could use to write down the ideas when you do get them? That helps, at least with the ideas ...

Heidi the Hick said...

She has a notebook!!!!

This really cool chick gave it to her. A cool chick who is also a total pain.
xo

Gabriel said...

Biddie, you're going to be OK, it just takes some time.

Re: being creative and interesting at 3:00 AM, well it happens to me too, as I'm normally awake at that time. My problem is all those other 23 dull and boring hours I have every day.

I would suggest that whenever you feel depressed, try to talk to those beautiful children you have. I bet they'll make you laugh in no time, and you will occupy your mind with other, better thoughts.

Marni said...

Hugs, Biddie. Wish I could help you! I would follow Heidi's advice and all the others, too. It will pass...

CindyDianne said...

*HUG*

captain corky said...
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captain corky said...

Hang in there Biddie! Steal a page from Captain Corky, when I can't think of anything to write about I jut write about television... ;)

debi said...

I want to say something but I can't seem to find the damn keys. I have hit the caplock 4 times having a fun morning. Biddie, lots of love is comin at ya. Hope today is the day you begin to feel better.

Phoenix5 said...

I hear ya about not being able to afford the prescription, Biddie! I couldn't either, when I first got it, so my doctor asked his sales rep for lots of sample packs. The sales rep gave him a years supply which my doctor then gave to me. Have you asked your doctor to try that route? It might be worth a shot. Nothing tried, nothing gained, as they say.

Biddie said...

dorky dad - yes, like heidi said, i do have a note book. a really cool chick gave to me, so i hear :)

heidi - i do have a note book, but you said to write HAPPY things in it. i'm still waiting more happy...

gabriel - the girls do make me laugh. mind you, if i woke them up in the middle of the night, i don't knwo if they would be so funny. well, maybe...

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

You need a digital voice recorder. Cheap, easy (like me)... and you get all your ideas down without any hassle of groping for paper or clammering to open up Blogger or Word on the computer.

Biddie said...

Marni - I have been dealing with depression all of my life, and I know that it ebbs and flows, some days are better than others.
I am just feeling so blah these days. It will get better, I won't really be any better until I get my meds.
It could be worse though, and I am trying to keep that in mind :)

cindydianne - Thanks :)

Corky - I might do that...Or I could start huffing paint. I hear that is good for a quick buzz ...

Debi - I don't feel any better, but I don't feel any worse. That's a start, right?

pheonix5 - I did talk to my shrink about that. He said that he can't get me any samples. I am thinking that maybe my shrink can put me on something that does give out samples...I dunno.
I have not had any meds for a couple of months now, and I think that any kind of anti depressant is better than none.

redneck nredboy - How much would one of those cost? That's a great idea, really.
Cheap AND easy, huh?

Gardenia said...

I've been having the same symptoms. Went and got me some Prozac. I'm trading off electrical currents running through my chest for dizziness. So far, its a worthy trade. These little fellows are now only $4 to $5 in the generic at Walmart. Biddie, if this continues, your body will break down and you'll get sick. Please call your doctor. I know this sounds tough - I had to wait until I thought I was dying of a heart attack before I called mine. The electricity was accompanying anxiety. I couldn't remember what I was doing 3 seconds previous.

Take care of yourself, girl.

I will get the book off to you - part of the dang big "D" is not being able to make myself do anything but rumble around in circles........sound familiar?

Heidi the Hick said...

I think Gardenia's right. But I'm stupid- I thought I was having a heart attack while driving down Canada's busiest highway, and then I just sort of did nothing about it for another two months. Stoopid.

Y'know that little notebook? If you can't find anything happy to write, then write down one thing you love. I know you can do that!

Biddie said...

gardenia - This has been my life ever since I can remember, but the past few years have gotten worse.
I have never taken Prozac. I wonder if it's cheap, here. My doctor wants me on several medications - an anti anxiety, an anti depressant, and a mood stabilizer. I can't possibly afford that unless I get disability.
No worries, Gardenia. I understand completely :0)

heidi - It took me YEARS to recognize that I suffer from anxiety, too. Silly, isn't it?
I have to phone my shrink again. I have not had an appointment in months, so I hope that he is still my shrink....
I'll try to write. Promise.

Babzy said...

Well, since you asked .. I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and Dysthymia (Chronic low-grade depression) combined with occasional major depressive episodes. We figure I've had it my whole life. I was officially diagnosed a year ago although I've been off and on medication for years.

When my son moved to Australia 18 months ago I really crashed. I was doing a very stressful commute to work at the same time. Too many things piled up on me. The doctor thought at first that I was bi-polar but I didn't have certain bi-polar symptoms that must be present.

I have been off work for a year which doesn't bother me at all. Get money through my work insurance plan. Those buggers are very hard to deal with. The insurance case worker told me to go to bed earlier or move closer to work and I will be fine. HA!

Good luck with your situation. People are beginning to bring these disorders out of the closet and talk about them openly. Blogging really helps.

Canadian flake said...

I have suffered from depression for a good chunk of my life. It isn't as bad as yours...but that is why I was away from blogging...for about a week, I just couldn't write...couldn't focus to read...hardly touched the computer which is SO not me.

Hang in there my friend, remember we love you and we are here for you...if that helps at all.