Monday, October 01, 2007

Where Do I Start?

We went to Jessica's appointment today. It did not go as well as I wanted. In fact, it was worse that I ever could have imagined.

Jessica has lost 11 pounds off of her tiny frame, bringing her weight to a whopping 89 pounds. She is so underweight. She is losing her hair, and her kidneys are failing.

How did I not notice?

Good question. I knew that she had lost weight. I knew that her blood sugars were running higher than they should. I did NOT know that her monitor was off by 25%, and that she was giving herself too much insulin. We have the monitor checked every time she sees her doctor.

I lost it. I was crying my eyes out before I even knew how sick she was.

My thoughts are everywhere right now. I don't even know if I am making sense. All I know is that Jessica is in the hospital, and she will be there for a week, maybe more. I don't know what else is happening. I'll know more tomorrow when I go back.

I feel like the world's worst mom right now. My baby is at the hospital, facing God knows what.

I'll let you know when I know more.

Biddie

24 comments:

debi said...

No Biddie, you do not suck. You are just one woman up against a giant wall of shit and doing the best job she can.You have so many things on your plate and you cannot control kids when they are out of your sight. Blaming ourselves is what moms do.Of course we will be praying for Jessica. Call me if you need me.I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

Gabriel said...

How would you know that the monitor was off, Biddie? Why would this be your fault?

Sure it sucks, but Jessica will be OK. She needs you, she must be as scared as you are -if not more. Make sure you're there for her, while we all pray for you and your family.

Cynnie said...

OMG!!..
I have a book you need to read!
my ex is diabetic and he went by a doctors book..and he's fine now ..
takes very little insulin and the dr told him.."going by your blood work..if i didnt know you were diabetic, i wouldnt think you were diabetic"

its mainly a diet, exercise and suppliment regime ..( as well as insulin)
Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution: The Complete Guide to Achieving Normal Blood Sugars

her indoors said...

oh sweetie, of course you feel bad, but you are NOT bad, you are caring and loving and supportive. Give Jessica a hug from me, will be thinking about you all ((((hugs)))) x

* (asterisk) said...

Fingers crossed for you guys, Biddie. It's not your fault, y'know. Stuff just sucks.

captain corky said...

My thoughts are with you and Jessica, Biddie. Everything's going to be ok. The doctors will take good care of her. Give her lots of love, and don't beat yourself up.

saly said...

Stay strong for Jess. Now that she is in the hospital, she will get the care she needs. Please keep us updated as much as you can.

Marni said...

You DO NOT suck! You are a wonderful, caring mom. You have to be strong for her. She knows the trials you are going through and probably feels just as guilty for being sick. Don't let her see your fear -- show her your strength. You have it in you! I know you do!

Hugs to you and Jess. Let me know if I can do ANYTHING!!!! I mean it, Biddie! Anything!

Biddie said...

Hi, Everyone.
I am leaving for the hosspital as soon as I have my bath and gather my wits together. I think that I might have slept all of 3 or 4 hours last night.
I will be gone all day, but I will be back tonight. I'll update you then. Promise.
I have never been so scared in my whole life. Yesterday the doctor said that if he did not admit her immeadiately, she would die. Nothing snaps you out of your daze like those words. I am assuming that she is being monitored right now. I'll know more soon.
Thanks for all of your good wishes and prayers.
Biddie xx

Camie Vog said...

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!!

Insulin regulation is a hard thing to master! Once you think you got it, the body pulls a fast one on you. Then, as you have found, the instruments used to monitor are not accurate. She is young, her body is growing, it will be may be hard to control until she gets out of puberty.

I am glad the doc's are there to help. Please be strong! I'll send some love and energy your way.

Oh, and make sure your traveling papers are in order... Either that, or I may be able to make that yummy Canadian Thanksgiving feast!

CindyDianne said...

You do not suck. It is not your fault. It is not her fault. It just is. Juvenille diabetes is a bitch to control. I have two cousins that have it soooo bad. They are grown up now, have husbands and kids. So will Jess. Just have faith and be diligent.

Heidi the Hick said...

Please don't blame yourself honey. My god, this disease is so evil.

I'm praying for you. So are my kids. We had a little cry last night but we're holding up for you and for Jess, okay?

Love you.

Give her a hug for us.

Gabriel said...

Which hospital, Biddie, Grand River or St. Mary's? Do you need anything? Like anybody to watch Jessica for a while? I'm in town, so...

CindyDianne said...

"Our most gracious and loving Father, Thank you Lord for all the blessings that you give us. Thank you Lord for the blessings we know about and for the ones that we don't. Dear Father, please put a protective hedge of warring angels around Jessica as she battles her sickness. Lord, just help her find strength, hope and peace in You. For Bridget, Lord, please give her the knowledge of Your love, Your peace, Your blessings. Please let Bridget know deep in her soul that Jessica's illness is not her fault, Lord. Please give her strength and the mental stability to hold her family together and take care of Jessica. It is in Your heavenly name that I pray. Amen."

dilling said...

thoughts and prayers are with you and Jessica...be strong...both of you. All of you. If there is anything I can do from here...

Tod said...

I don't know what to say except that she is being cared for in the best place possible. I hope everything is OK.

Mitzzee said...

will pray for you all. don't blame yourself....sometimes we think we are doing everything we can and ARE but life gets a hold of us in ways we have no control over. wishing you all well.

Balloon Pirate said...

She is alive, and in good care.

You love her, and she knows that.

These are things to keep remembering.

Peace.

yeharr

Burfica said...

I agree with everyone else. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER AND YOU DO NOT SUCK.

What would make you a bad mother is if you heard what the doctor said and you took her home anyway. Or if you never took her to the doctor in the first place.

Know you are doing all the right things with whatever is given to you.

Big Hugggsssss Biddie!!!!!

Bunny said...

Just wanted to say that you and your lovely young lady will be in our thoughts and prayers here in Indiana, too.
I cannot agree more with everyone who has said this is NOT your fault, and you do NOT suck!!

Phoenix5 said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes, Biddie, and I am not a cryer! I feel so deeply for you and Jess right now. Just know this. Like everyone else here has said, you are NOT a bad mother! Diabetes is very hard on adults, and even more so on children. I am sure that with proper care, Jessica will survive this and grow up to be the stunningly beautiful woman her photo from your previous post promises. Be strong for her and let her know you love her. That in itself is a strong medicine! My prayers are with you both.

~JJ! said...

Oh Biddie.
I send you love.

I wish I had something to say to you to make you feel better...

As her mom, you will blame yourself..it's not your fault.

She will heal.

Canadian flake said...

Ok biddie...I know you are panicked and believe me I would be too...Honestly I would be beating the crap out of myself if it were my baby too...but listen to what we are all telling you...

THIS IS NOT NOT NOT YOUR FAULT!!

I am a diabetic and I can surely attest to how quickly things can get out of control. I am also a mom of a teenager and I can attest to the fact that they do NOT come clean with health issues..

Hang in there hon..we are here and praying very hard for you...

God will take care of you all...I know it...let us know how she is doing.((((((((((hugs))))))))))

jAMiE said...

Biddie...it isn't your fault, you love your child and would never do anything to harm her, that is clear. Please don't beat yourself up...she is under doctors care now and will be better in no time. Look after yourself so that you can look after her.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.