Seems like that is all that I feel these days.
I am not trying to be a drama queen, I am just trying to explain myself. I don't really know if I can.
Things are not going as well at home as I let on. Or, maybe, I thought that things were better and tonight it hit me just how NOT ok things really are.
I am on the verge of a breakdown. I have left the house three times since Christmas Day. No, three times including Christmas Day when Heidi and I took the dogs for walkies.
That is probably the same amount of times that I have gotten dressed or brushed my hair.
Kinda doesn't matter anyway. Nobody ever sees me.
I have been struggling to make time for a breakdown. The truth is, I really don't have that luxury. You see, I have to make it to the disability office by Friday..Have to be there in person to show them my birth certificate. I need to fill out papers that must be signed, by me.
We have no money coming in, so our only hope is my support and/or GST cheque. Once again, they both come in my name, and I am the only one that can cash them. If they don't arrive, or if they do and I don't cash them, we will be without our home phone by Saturday.
Then, there is the small matter of guilt. How could I possibly leave my family knowing full well that we don't any money, not enough groceries? Will Jessica take care of herself? I doubt it. That seems to be sliding recently, too.
Then, there is the matter of Shawn. When I tried to tell him just how depressed I was, his response was.."It's all about you.."
Jesus Christ. I am having a fucking breakdown and I am selfish.
If he - if anyone really knew what was going on inside of me...If only.
Shit, that would actually make things so much easier...Here, look THIS is what the problem is guys...SEE??? Yeah, that would be much more to my liking than trying to talk about this crap.
What am I even saying here? I dunno. My thoughts are racing and I...I...am stumbling. Faltering.
Am I asking for too much? Maybe I am. Maybe the whole 'unconditional love' idea is bullshit.
Maybe there is no such thing.
All I know is that I feel so alone.
More alone than ever in a house with four other people.