Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Pain

Seems like that is all that I feel these days.
Pain.

I am not trying to be a drama queen, I am just trying to explain myself. I don't really know if I can.
Things are not going as well at home as I let on. Or, maybe, I thought that things were better and tonight it hit me just how NOT ok things really are.

I am on the verge of a breakdown. I have left the house three times since Christmas Day. No, three times including Christmas Day when Heidi and I took the dogs for walkies.
That is probably the same amount of times that I have gotten dressed or brushed my hair.
Kinda doesn't matter anyway. Nobody ever sees me.

I have been struggling to make time for a breakdown. The truth is, I really don't have that luxury. You see, I have to make it to the disability office by Friday..Have to be there in person to show them my birth certificate. I need to fill out papers that must be signed, by me.

We have no money coming in, so our only hope is my support and/or GST cheque. Once again, they both come in my name, and I am the only one that can cash them. If they don't arrive, or if they do and I don't cash them, we will be without our home phone by Saturday.

Then, there is the small matter of guilt. How could I possibly leave my family knowing full well that we don't any money, not enough groceries? Will Jessica take care of herself? I doubt it. That seems to be sliding recently, too.

Then, there is the matter of Shawn. When I tried to tell him just how depressed I was, his response was.."It's all about you.."

Jesus Christ. I am having a fucking breakdown and I am selfish.

If he - if anyone really knew what was going on inside of me...If only.
Shit, that would actually make things so much easier...Here, look THIS is what the problem is guys...SEE??? Yeah, that would be much more to my liking than trying to talk about this crap.

Shit.

What am I even saying here? I dunno. My thoughts are racing and I...I...am stumbling. Faltering.

Am I asking for too much? Maybe I am. Maybe the whole 'unconditional love' idea is bullshit.

Maybe there is no such thing.

All I know is that I feel so alone.

More alone than ever in a house with four other people.

14 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

Sorry to read you're going thru a rough patch. I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, but the situation being what it is, I don't think I really can, other than I feel for you and truly wish you to do take care of yourself. Hope things work out at the disability office on Friday. Until then, take care and know you're not alone, if ever you want to write me, I'm there.

jAMiE said...

So sorry to hear you are struggling Biddie...it's a tough time of year and i feel for you struggling financially. I hope things get sorted out with your disability appointment.

Try to talk to someone close to you...i know how hard it would be but people aren't mind readers, they don't know when we are really struggling with things unless we tell them...please talk to someone.

You are not alone.

The Preacherman said...

Close your eyes and imagine all of your family and friends and blogmates hugging you.

Talk to us in your head. Tell us all how you feel in your head. Remember that we are all hugging you tightly.

Take all the strength we are giving you through our hugs.

Be strong then you win.

....and we won't accept you not winning.

Try it.

Love n hugs

4D xx

Burfica said...

Wow the preacherman really summed it up.

I understand you wishing they could feel what you feel. I wish that Gigantor could feel for one day, hell one hour, what I go through, be in my body. I think he would understand so much more and not be so quick to judge.

I just try to keep on loving them all, and hope to get some back.

Take care of yourself Biddie, keep on keeping on baby girl.

dilling said...

Biddie...we're here, too. We're all here. Can't you feel us? In crisis, we all feel alone. Just take a moment to remember that you aren't...and remember to breathe.

Palm Springs Savant said...

((((Hugs))))

sending you peaceful thoughts.

captain corky said...

I know that depression is real and I'm just so sorry that it hits you so hard... I wish our words were enough.

Michael said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time Biddie. Hugs...

Heidi the Hick said...

Yeah, I'm in agreement with 4D. He's so right - visualize all that support from us, even if we're not there beside you.

You know what else? Write this all down, all this and more, just write what you're feeling, don't sugar coat it.

Then write down what's right in your life. You know what I'm talking about: even if all you can come up with is "I am still breathing" then that's what you write down.

And every time you think of another thing, go write it down. Carry your little book and pen around with you. You do still have a little notebook, right?

And for god's sake, get one of your people to go with you to the disability office. Tell them if they wanna eat for the next few days, they better help you get there.

Anywyas I do believe that we can stave off the breakdowns. I wish it wasn't so damn much work, but I think it's possible. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Just remember, you're not alone. You're not the only person to go through this and you've got so many people who care about you and are cheering for you.

xo

Gabriel said...

I don't think I can add anything to what people like 4D, Heidi and others have said. Just that you know we're a phone call away.

whimsical brainpan said...

"I am having a fucking breakdown and I am selfish."

You sure are. Because we all know that you planned this breakdown just so you could inconvenience yourself and your family. I know you chose to feel like this. Hey, who wouldn't?

Okay seriously, you are not alone (though I know it feels that way). You have so many people who love you and care about you.

I hope you get through this soon Biddie. I know you are strong enough.

Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

The Adult in Question said...

I don't know what to say, at all.
I'm don't think what Shawn said was uh . . . appropriate however he has not been working. He gets frustrated and cranky and bored. Really bored. I don't think he meant what he said I think he is just as frustrated. He says a lot of things he doesn't mean, even though they can be hurtful. He loves you, I love you, KK loves you and Jess loves you. We love you no matter what, unconditionally because you are our family, my mom. Plus there are those two furry, four legged things that run around our house and they love unconditionally too.
xoxoxo

farmer dave said...

hi i'am new to reading your blog and after reading about how your feeling ive had a simlar experince myself a while ago i went through depression people handle depression in different ways, i felt crap all the time even tho i had people i could talk to i didnt feel i could to them as they thought i might be being stupid

so i delt with mine by going away for a bit only 2 weeks but it was enough to make me think again properly kind of i went home and spoke to my family and tel them how i felt, at first they didnt understand how low i was at first my parents found it hard to understand i did have a problem

but i did hide it very well, used to bottle it up and explode at the slightest things daft things thats why i probly went away for a little while

but in the end my family helped me and i did get through it, if you cant talk to your partner or people close to you talk to a stranger it did me then i could handle talking to my family, i hope you pull through this i know its hard but talking to someone helps

take care dave

Cynnie said...

I'm so sorry..really I am ..
if you ever want to talk..I'm here..