What a week it's been!
Wednesday evening found me preparing for a walk to the library, to listen to local authors reading selections of their work . It is a relatively short walk, even I can do it in about 15 minutes. I took two anti anxiety pills that KC gave me, took a deep breath, and stepped out the door.
I have not been out on my own since Jessica was in the hospital, over a year ago. I have not walked to the store, taken the dogs for a walk, or hopped on a bus alone in over a year.
My heart pounding, I made my way up the street, passing an old man in dirty trousers drinking minty green mouthwash, the corner store that is open 7 days a week (except Sundays) and the house on the corner with the red tulips and purple iris'.
I was nearly half way there before I realized that I was practically running.
No wonder I was out of breath and sweaty.
I slowed down enough to calm myself. There was nothing, after all to panic about. I was just out for a walk, heading the same library that I had been to a hundred times before to see my bestest childhood friend that I had not seen in 15 + years.
Yup. Back into panic mode.
I made it to the library with time to spare, but had heart palpitations when I couldn't find the right room.
Walking into crowded rooms is another phobia of mine.
I took the 1st open chair, which, thankfully, was right behind Kim.
Kim was the third one up, and in my opinion, the best. I have always loved Kim's work. When I lived in Nova Scotia, she wrote to me almost weekly. I would read and reread her letters over and over. I could picture myself there with her, on her school trip, at the movies, or eating lunch in the caf. Whatever she wrote, I was right there with her.
All of the authors were brilliant. I lost myself in the poetry and stories for over an hour.
We had a chance to reminisce, for a short while. It was like we were 12 years old again, although neither Harrison Ford or Christopher Atkins were mentioned even once.
Our time was too short, but I am so pleased that we reconnected.
Today was a something altogether different.
Today I saw my shrink, the elusive Dr. Soprano (as Shawn calls him).
I had a small list of things that I wanted to say:
My meds are not working, or the dosage is not enough to give me the qulaity of life that I feel I deserve
I need something to help with my anxiety. Leaving the house alone should not be so traumatizing.
I need to be monitored more closely, and more often.
Shawn helped enormously with this. He spoke for me when the words got caught in my throat, and became my advocate when the doctor told me that -
are you ready?
I am not psychotic enough!
Shawn told the doctor that I am, indeed psychotic and I should be monitored more often.
(Sniff, sniff. This is where I get a little emotional. I mean, how incredibly sweet of him to stand up for me like that).
I think what the doctor means is that most of his patients are psychotic and/or schizophrenic. While I may be crazy, I am not at a high risk for injuring myself or others.
The end result of the visit was another anti depressant, Cipralex, an anti anxiety medication that I can take every night and whenever I feel a freak out coming on, and another appoinment in two weeks.
I guess he thought that I was just crazy enough. :)