Friday, May 15, 2009

Not Crazy Enough...?

What a week it's been!

Wednesday evening found me preparing for a walk to the library, to listen to local authors reading selections of their work . It is a relatively short walk, even I can do it in about 15 minutes. I took two anti anxiety pills that KC gave me, took a deep breath, and stepped out the door.

I have not been out on my own since Jessica was in the hospital, over a year ago. I have not walked to the store, taken the dogs for a walk, or hopped on a bus alone in over a year.

My heart pounding, I made my way up the street, passing an old man in dirty trousers drinking minty green mouthwash, the corner store that is open 7 days a week (except Sundays) and the house on the corner with the red tulips and purple iris'.

I was nearly half way there before I realized that I was practically running.

No wonder I was out of breath and sweaty.

I slowed down enough to calm myself. There was nothing, after all to panic about. I was just out for a walk, heading the same library that I had been to a hundred times before to see my bestest childhood friend that I had not seen in 15 + years.

Yup. Back into panic mode.

I made it to the library with time to spare, but had heart palpitations when I couldn't find the right room.

Walking into crowded rooms is another phobia of mine.

I took the 1st open chair, which, thankfully, was right behind Kim.

Kim was the third one up, and in my opinion, the best. I have always loved Kim's work. When I lived in Nova Scotia, she wrote to me almost weekly. I would read and reread her letters over and over. I could picture myself there with her, on her school trip, at the movies, or eating lunch in the caf. Whatever she wrote, I was right there with her.

All of the authors were brilliant. I lost myself in the poetry and stories for over an hour.

We had a chance to reminisce, for a short while. It was like we were 12 years old again, although neither Harrison Ford or Christopher Atkins were mentioned even once.

Our time was too short, but I am so pleased that we reconnected.

Today was a something altogether different.

Today I saw my shrink, the elusive Dr. Soprano (as Shawn calls him).

I had a small list of things that I wanted to say:

My meds are not working, or the dosage is not enough to give me the qulaity of life that I feel I deserve

I need something to help with my anxiety. Leaving the house alone should not be so traumatizing.

I need to be monitored more closely, and more often.

Shawn helped enormously with this. He spoke for me when the words got caught in my throat, and became my advocate when the doctor told me that -

are you ready?

I am not psychotic enough!

Shawn told the doctor that I am, indeed psychotic and I should be monitored more often.

(Sniff, sniff. This is where I get a little emotional. I mean, how incredibly sweet of him to stand up for me like that).

I think what the doctor means is that most of his patients are psychotic and/or schizophrenic. While I may be crazy, I am not at a high risk for injuring myself or others.

The end result of the visit was another anti depressant, Cipralex, an anti anxiety medication that I can take every night and whenever I feel a freak out coming on, and another appoinment in two weeks.

I guess he thought that I was just crazy enough. :)


CindyDianne said...

and, did you try the links?

Biddie said...

CindyDianne - Not yet, but that is my next task. You just wait, I'll be linky-linking in no time.

Heidi the Hick said...

1- Ok, it drives me frickin crazy (haha not far to go) when people are not taken seriously by the shrink!!!!! He should be fired, or sent to an island alone with Dr Frankenbushy. They deserve each other!!!!!!

2_ I am SO PROUD OF YOU. You went to the library alone!!! You spoke your mind to that arrogant shrink!!

3- you did say hi to Kim for me riht?

4- NOt crazy enough MY ASS.

5- like there are better amounts of CRAZY? I am swearing internally here.

6- Shawn is so sweet for insisting that you are crazy enough. (I get it.)

7- that shrink is an asshole.

8- I always felt like if i had something more, y'know, severe, that he'd take me more seriously but I was like, dude, just help me. Jerk. Keep after him. Write a three page piss off letter if you must!

9- You are such an awesome writer, honey. You really are. If you have a chance to read and really feel you can't do it (even though I think you can) I would read it for you. But I think you could, someday. And I would love to read anything you write.

10 Love you.

Biddie said...

Heidi - Lol.
1. I love you, too. You are the biggest, best cheer leader EVER.

2. The shrink has a huge caseload (who deosn't) and wants my family doctor to see me more often, but, he is a crack pot. He keeps asking me WHY I am on anti depressants.

3.I did say hi to Kim for you, and she will be leaving a comment on your blog,maybe after the baby is born. She has been lurking.

4. My shrink is less of an asshole than my family doctor.

5. Shawn's doctor is an even bigger asshole.

6. I am SO tired of not being taken seriously. I told him that there are times that I KNOW I should be in the hospital, but I had such a horrible time there before that I will not go again.

7.You are right, I am crazy enough.

8. I did it! Can you beleive that shit? I actually made it there alone. I nearly stroked out, but I MADE it.

9. Most of the time, my thoughts are too cloudly to write anything substantial, or you know, good. I know that it is in there somewhere, waiting to get out. I just wonder how long it will take.

10. Isn't Shawn the BEST for insisting that I am in, fact, loopy?

See, I am pretty good at hiding it for the most part. I am home most of the time, and in these 4 walls, I can be myself. When I go out, I put on a brave face, and do my best to play the part. It is tiresome and too difficult.
I don't have to pretend with you. I like that :)

Heidi the Hick said...

We all put on our brave face when we go out. Trust me... you know how many people said, "You can't be depressed! You're such a happy person!"

That's what we do, right? HOw else would we get through life?

Nope, you don't have to pretend to me. I know how much you like to swear in real life. It's cool.

Biddie said...

Heidi - It makes me laugh when people that say they know me are shocked by my bi polar crap. I still recall Mission Mary telling me (15 minutes after my Granny died) To snap out of it, grow up.
It was so hurtful then, and it still stings a bit, but mostly I just realize how misinformed some people can be.
I am just plain tired of pretending. Just TIRED.
What would I do without you???

dilling said...

see? am i crazy enough for the dose i got that actually seems to be long as i sleep well. last night, i was awake all night....let's hope that it's not the beginning of another trend.

Biddie said...

dilling - Oh, I hope that you get some sleep. You really can go crazy if you don't get enoghh sleep.
Must be something in the air..I was up until 4 am, and got a couple of shut eye after that.

aims said...

We live in a strange country sometimes.

My brother gets to see a social worker regularly and his shrink when he needs to.

Over in the Netherlands they have daily care if needed. Daily therapies for people who are bi-polar and what they call an SPN who they see weekly.

Granted our medical system and health care is better than some places - but finding a GOOD shrink is hard to do and getting GOOD care is even harder.

I understand your fear of leaving the house by yourself. It took me years - sorry - before I could. But I can now with only a small amount of anxiety. Just don't ask me to go into stores - especially grocery stores - by myself. I can't do it.

You know I don't take any meds now. I weaned myself off of them on my own and I'm more with it and able to cope better. I don't recommend this for everyone - but eventually a lesser dose works for some people. You'll get there. I know you will.

Good on you for making it to the library on your own. See?!

It will get better. It will.

Biddie said...

Aims - I shouldn't really complain. We are lucky to have free health care, and I like my shrink well enough. I just know that someone should be checking in me from time to time, you know?
I have tried lesser doses and have tried to go it with no meds at all. I I am a mess,and it is awful for everyone.
That's really great that you are doing it without meds. I know that it has been a long struggle for you. I do know that it will get better for me, too, but sometimes I see that far.
Oh, and grocery stores are bad for me, too. I NEVER go alone :)

Gardenia said...

Well, "H" has been known to call me crazy one to many times - but I see now, that it might be an asset sometimes in the future. :)

Sorry, you had to fight through that, but the outcome sounded like you had a wonderful time with friends!

I also wish you had some good doctors. I think it is very possible you have some wacked hormones and if those were properly checked and regulated you could have freedom from this.

Egad, I have to go - the neighbors are screaming and fighting - I can't concentrate....

Biddie said...

Gardenia - I did have a wonderful time with Kim. It was well worth the anxiety.
I go back to see Dr.S in two weeks, and I am going to be very vocal about what my needs are.
I hope that your neighbours settled down and you were able to have some peace :)

Truth-Monkey said...

Congrats on getting out to see your friend! I have no idea how hard it must be, but I am proud of you!

Biddie said...

Truth-Monkey -
Thank you! That is so sweet of you to say. I am kinda proud of myself, too.

Anonymous said...

Way to go, I knew that you could do it!
One step at a time, my friend, one step.

coffeypot said...

Well, the major question I have can a store be open seven days a week and closed on Sundays? Does Canada have an 8 day week? I mean, I know you use the metric system on many things, but the days of the week?

Biddie said...

anon; Thank you :)

Coffeypot - I'm only telling it like it is. The sign reads just that. Makes my kids laugh everytime we pass by.

Michael said...

Glad to hear you made it out of the house Biddie. One step at a time I guess.

People drink mouthwash?!? Without an olive?!?

Biddie said...

Michael - Lol. I'm not sure. I'll ask him next time I see him.
I do feel better for getting out.

Susan said...

Thanks for successfully making the valiant effort to come out and hear us read - I'd no idea what an ordeal it was for you; you hid it well. Thanks also for leaving a comment after my blog post, "Nerves of Jelly..."

Stay well.

Kimber said...

Good grief Bridge...I had no idea what a huge deal it was for you to come and hear us read. I feel awful - I didn't know your anxiety was so severe - and yet I am proud and impressed that you made the herculean effort and conquered your panic just for the sake of hanging out for an hour or two. I dealt with anxiety attacks after my divorce several years ago so I know to some degree what it's like to fear going outside the comfort zone.

It was good to reconnect. It has been soooo long. I enjoyed our talk in the car after too. And the gifts you brought Jade are so appreciated.

Sorry it hastaken me so long to read this post!

Biddie said...

Susan and Kimber - I guess that sometiimes you just need that extra little push..and I am soo glad that I pushed myself. I feel better than I have in years, I loved all of the readings and best of all, I reconected with an old friend :)