Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
What a week it's been!
Wednesday evening found me preparing for a walk to the library, to listen to local authors reading selections of their work . It is a relatively short walk, even I can do it in about 15 minutes. I took two anti anxiety pills that KC gave me, took a deep breath, and stepped out the door.
I have not been out on my own since Jessica was in the hospital, over a year ago. I have not walked to the store, taken the dogs for a walk, or hopped on a bus alone in over a year.
My heart pounding, I made my way up the street, passing an old man in dirty trousers drinking minty green mouthwash, the corner store that is open 7 days a week (except Sundays) and the house on the corner with the red tulips and purple iris'.
I was nearly half way there before I realized that I was practically running.
No wonder I was out of breath and sweaty.
I slowed down enough to calm myself. There was nothing, after all to panic about. I was just out for a walk, heading the same library that I had been to a hundred times before to see my bestest childhood friend that I had not seen in 15 + years.
Yup. Back into panic mode.
I made it to the library with time to spare, but had heart palpitations when I couldn't find the right room.
Walking into crowded rooms is another phobia of mine.
I took the 1st open chair, which, thankfully, was right behind Kim.
Kim was the third one up, and in my opinion, the best. I have always loved Kim's work. When I lived in Nova Scotia, she wrote to me almost weekly. I would read and reread her letters over and over. I could picture myself there with her, on her school trip, at the movies, or eating lunch in the caf. Whatever she wrote, I was right there with her.
All of the authors were brilliant. I lost myself in the poetry and stories for over an hour.
We had a chance to reminisce, for a short while. It was like we were 12 years old again, although neither Harrison Ford or Christopher Atkins were mentioned even once.
Our time was too short, but I am so pleased that we reconnected.
Today was a something altogether different.
Today I saw my shrink, the elusive Dr. Soprano (as Shawn calls him).
I had a small list of things that I wanted to say:
My meds are not working, or the dosage is not enough to give me the qulaity of life that I feel I deserve
I need something to help with my anxiety. Leaving the house alone should not be so traumatizing.
I need to be monitored more closely, and more often.
Shawn helped enormously with this. He spoke for me when the words got caught in my throat, and became my advocate when the doctor told me that -
are you ready?
I am not psychotic enough!
Shawn told the doctor that I am, indeed psychotic and I should be monitored more often.
(Sniff, sniff. This is where I get a little emotional. I mean, how incredibly sweet of him to stand up for me like that).
I think what the doctor means is that most of his patients are psychotic and/or schizophrenic. While I may be crazy, I am not at a high risk for injuring myself or others.
The end result of the visit was another anti depressant, Cipralex, an anti anxiety medication that I can take every night and whenever I feel a freak out coming on, and another appoinment in two weeks.
I guess he thought that I was just crazy enough. :)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
The one thing that I can stay focused on is the astonishing fact that I have three gorgeous girls. My dear friend L, and another childhood friend are mourning their daughters, and I have been rewarded with three of my own.
I just can't stop thinking of my good fortune. I can't imagine what I ever did to deserve the amazing daughters that I have, but I am eternally grateful to the powers that be for entrusting them to me.
Monday, May 11, 2009
we all cheered. (I gain weight all of the time and nobody congratulates me.) She has been working hard at keeping her bg where it should be, eating right and exercising more. I am so proud of her. This has been an incredible struggle for her, but we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I see my shrink this week. I have been on my Wellbutrin for about a year now, I think. It is not working the way that it should, or I need my dose upped again. Not sure which, but I just feel so down most of the time. My manic episodes are few and far between these days. That sounds great, but the reality is that I would rather be laughing then crying. I am going to talk to him about my panic attacks, too. Maybe there is something that will help me with both.
The other big event this week is that I am going to be catching up with an old friend. Kim and I were inseparable when we were kids. We did everything together, and I got her into so much trouble. I don't know what I would have done without her during my Smallburg years.
We haven't seen each other since..1993, when her mom passed away. We have spoken on the phone, and emailed each other, but it has been 16 years since I have seen in person. Way too long, in my opinion. She is due to have her 1st baby any day, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't decide to make an early appearance.
There is one other thing. Shawn and I have to do something tomorrow that can change the course of our lives...It could be nothing, but I am worried. I have been doing the whole positive
thinking thing, but I am scared outta my mind. Do me a favour? Send us some good vibes.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
I have three gorgeous girls, and I know where they are and what they are doing (for the most part. No mom knows EVERYTHING).
Jessica is healthy and gaining weight, she looks incredible, and is nearly as tall as me. She has not been in the hospital in over a year (yay!) for anything other than check ups.
Our rent is paid, IN FULL. We paid off every red cent that we owed, and it feels great! We manage to pay our rent every month, on time. Whoo hoo! There was a time when that was a huge struggle for us.
Kayla is graduating from high school next month! She is going to her prom in a couple of weeks, and I am almost as excited as she is. Wait until you see the photos!
My relationship with Shawn's family has vastly improved since his sister passed away. I think that Mary would be delighted to know that we are all spending time together again. Shawn and I spend an afternoon here or there at his parents place, doing yard work, checking in on his mom, or just visiting. I like it :)
I have a wonderful circle of friends. I do. I am super close to my X mother in law, and my two - three - best friends have been there for me since I was a kid.
I am on my meds..This is huge, since it took me years to get funding and a good shrink to help me with my issues. (And there are issues!)
Then, there's Shawn. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs, to be sure, but we seem to have the kinks worked out. I have never known anyone that has challenged me, angered me, or loved me the way that he has. Yup, I love him.
Just in case you think that I am shooting sunshine out of my a$$, there are still problems. Like any other couple, we have stuff that could be better, or improved upon. I just realized that the good outweighs the bad and sometimes we have to be reminded of that.
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'
Monday, May 04, 2009
April 29 should have been a joyous day, filled with laughter, love and tears of joy. Instead, April 29 will always be remembered as the day that Willow was born and died.
My heart is aching, breaking, filled with sadness. I don't know what to say to my friend, L, or how to comfort her.
Heck, I can't even deal with this in my head, make myself understand why this happened. This is where faith comes in, I suppose. Faith in our God, that everything happens for a reason, God works in mysterious ways, He has a plan for us and we have to be patient, blah, blah, blah.
It seems so unfair that a few short days ago I was holding a gorgeous, healthy new born baby while somewhere, a few short miles away, my friend and her family were mourning the loss of their precious gift.
It is so unfair. It's beyond tragic. I don't know how to make sense of it.
Right now, my faith is faltering.
I have no idea how L is going to ever recover. Since my faith is waning, maybe you all out there can pick up the slack for me a bit.
Please, think of L tonight and count your blessings.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
The best therapy for a day like that? This little guy right here. This is our newest nephew, Ryder. Within seconds of holding him, I was intoxicated, and in love beyond belief.
There is nothing like the promise of new life to chase the blues away.