Where do I start? There is so much brain clogging crap floating about in my head right now.. I can barely keep it all straight.
I have an appointment with disability on Wednesday. This will the first of many, and I know that I won't be able to answer most of the questions. I still haven't done my taxes for 2006, and I can't even get into the mess of Shawn's finances. It is causing me such a headache. He owes about $50 grand to Revenue Canada, and we are still trying to figure out how to deal with that. Might as well be a million, really. This could affect my disability, but I won't really know how until Wednesday.
The good news is that my shrink has agreed to fill out the papers for me...I was kind of shocked, really. I have only seen him twice, and I was sure that he would need some convincing. Apparently not. I had heard horror stories about doctors and shrinks not willing to help in the disability process, or charging upwards of $50 to fill out the paper work. It feels like I am FINALLY being taken seriously. Maybe the whole cheese fiasco was a GOOD thing...
The landlord came to pick up some rent money today. We are more than 3 months behind, I think. It hasn't been that long since we've paid, we just haven't been able to pay a full month in..well...months. I love it here. It feels like home. I know that we owe the money, and I have no intention of running off without paying what I owe. The landlords have been pretty good to us, but I dread dealing with the 80 year old busy body that comes to collect the rent. He repeats himself everytime I see him....
I KNOW that we are behind. I KNOW that our house is owned by the church. I KNOW that I spoke with the president of the church....
The landlord asked me today WHY I wasn't on welfare...WHY I don't have a job. He gets way too personal...I have a hard time with this. I am tired of people asking me why I don't work. It is really no one's business, and I for years I have had to deal with rude and ignorant people telling me to 'get over it.'
There is nothing to get over. I don't work. I can't work. I have tried...I have gone on job interviews, and have even done volunteer training.
I never finish. Ever. I want more than anything to help Shawn pay this rent.
Rudi has stopped his support payments again, and it seems as though we are drowning. The guilt keeps me up at night. It's all I think of, really. The last thing that I need to is to explain myself to a stranger. He can be pissed at me, or evict me (oh please, don't) or try to work with me..but PLEASE don't ask me personal questions. It makes me unreasonably angry.
I felt like asking this 80 year old man why he always smells like tabacco and shit when he comes to collect the rent. I didn't...I just felt like it. (cuz that would be too personal)
My birthday is on Tuesday. I will be 38. The year that I turned 26, my Dad convinced me that I was turning 26. That man was one helll of a salesman. Really. I guess this means that I was 26 for 2 years in a row.. I'm depressed this year. I mean, yeah, I am ALWAYS depressed, but this year, I just feel awful. I don't know if it's Mommy Dearest getting remarried and partying down under, or the complete and utter lack of any parental interest shown by bio - Betty. Maybe it's because my sister, Lucky, is still sick and won't be able to travel this summer, like we had thought.
I just feel so tired. This money thing is all that I can think of. It's not that we won't have money to celebrate my birthday. Whatever. Heidi and Jethro already gave me a kick ass gift..Maybe it's the new meds that I am on...Mood stabilizers that have completely taken the wind out of my sails....I cry all of the time now. No more mood swings, just good old fashioned depression. Thanks, Doc.
SIGH......Well, there is one thing that is guarnteed to make me smile...Couldn't sign off without a little Ruby love.