Sunday, June 24, 2007

Where do I start? There is so much brain clogging crap floating about in my head right now.. I can barely keep it all straight.

I have an appointment with disability on Wednesday. This will the first of many, and I know that I won't be able to answer most of the questions. I still haven't done my taxes for 2006, and I can't even get into the mess of Shawn's finances. It is causing me such a headache. He owes about $50 grand to Revenue Canada, and we are still trying to figure out how to deal with that. Might as well be a million, really. This could affect my disability, but I won't really know how until Wednesday.

The good news is that my shrink has agreed to fill out the papers for me...I was kind of shocked, really. I have only seen him twice, and I was sure that he would need some convincing. Apparently not. I had heard horror stories about doctors and shrinks not willing to help in the disability process, or charging upwards of $50 to fill out the paper work. It feels like I am FINALLY being taken seriously. Maybe the whole cheese fiasco was a GOOD thing...

The landlord came to pick up some rent money today. We are more than 3 months behind, I think. It hasn't been that long since we've paid, we just haven't been able to pay a full month in..well...months. I love it here. It feels like home. I know that we owe the money, and I have no intention of running off without paying what I owe. The landlords have been pretty good to us, but I dread dealing with the 80 year old busy body that comes to collect the rent. He repeats himself everytime I see him....
I KNOW that we are behind. I KNOW that our house is owned by the church. I KNOW that I spoke with the president of the church....
SIGH....
The landlord asked me today WHY I wasn't on welfare...WHY I don't have a job. He gets way too personal...I have a hard time with this. I am tired of people asking me why I don't work. It is really no one's business, and I for years I have had to deal with rude and ignorant people telling me to 'get over it.'
There is nothing to get over. I don't work. I can't work. I have tried...I have gone on job interviews, and have even done volunteer training.
I never finish. Ever. I want more than anything to help Shawn pay this rent.
Rudi has stopped his support payments again, and it seems as though we are drowning. The guilt keeps me up at night. It's all I think of, really. The last thing that I need to is to explain myself to a stranger. He can be pissed at me, or evict me (oh please, don't) or try to work with me..but PLEASE don't ask me personal questions. It makes me unreasonably angry.
I felt like asking this 80 year old man why he always smells like tabacco and shit when he comes to collect the rent. I didn't...I just felt like it. (cuz that would be too personal)

My birthday is on Tuesday. I will be 38. The year that I turned 26, my Dad convinced me that I was turning 26. That man was one helll of a salesman. Really. I guess this means that I was 26 for 2 years in a row.. I'm depressed this year. I mean, yeah, I am ALWAYS depressed, but this year, I just feel awful. I don't know if it's Mommy Dearest getting remarried and partying down under, or the complete and utter lack of any parental interest shown by bio - Betty. Maybe it's because my sister, Lucky, is still sick and won't be able to travel this summer, like we had thought.
I just feel so tired. This money thing is all that I can think of. It's not that we won't have money to celebrate my birthday. Whatever. Heidi and Jethro already gave me a kick ass gift..Maybe it's the new meds that I am on...Mood stabilizers that have completely taken the wind out of my sails....I cry all of the time now. No more mood swings, just good old fashioned depression. Thanks, Doc.

SIGH......Well, there is one thing that is guarnteed to make me smile...Couldn't sign off without a little Ruby love.

16 comments:

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I wish there was something that I could do. Hooray for your shrink though!

(((((((HUGS)))))))

captain corky said...

You should get a pitbull and sick him on the landlord. That would help for sure.

Sorry that you're not feeling well Biddie. :( I Wish there was something I could do.

Biddie said...

whimsical - I'm just ranting...so much crap in my head, I have to let it out somehow. Thanks of rthe hugs. :)

corky - The landlord is decent in a lot of ways. I just hate that he gets so personal. It's nobody's business why I don't work. Period.
I actaully told the landlord yesterday that it was none of his business WHY I am not recieving welfare. He pulled back like I slapped him.
ARGH!!!!
Maybe I should I have apanic attack on the front porch for him. That might clue him in.
I'm sure that I'll feel better after Wednesday. Once I know what's going on with disablity, I think that I'll sleep a little more soundly. Speaking of sleep....

Heidi the Hick said...

That picture of your dog is GORGEOUS!!!

I'm so pleased to hear that Dr. Pshrinky is going to help you!!! Make sure you tell him that you appreciate it. That shuold help later when you have to tell him off. I know lots about how to tell off your pshrink. Mine won't call me back anymore. Maybe I didn't give him enough appreciation when times were good????

Get that disability in place and you know what? This shit has been going on for ages, but I realy don't think it has to be permanent and forever.

One line a day, one step at a time...

Biddie said...

Heidi - I don't know if I will ever work full time, but my goal is to work part time again. I had mad skills when it comes to dealing with the elderly/Alzheimer patients, and that is what I REALLY want to do.
I know that I will be on meds for the rest of my life. It has taken me years to accept that fact. I have tried therapy, and it just ain't gonna work without the meds. Talking can't fix a chemical imbalnce, and neither can prayer...I know, cuz I tried for years...
I'm worried about the tax thing. There is a lot of paper work, and I can't provide nearly half of what they are asking me for right now.
GAWD. I am so stressed out over this.
I am VERY relieved that my Dr.is all for the disability, tho. Big time. He was very good about it. I have been seeing Dr.Family for ..oh, 20 years? And he has dragged his heels on this the whole time. Two visits with the new shrink, and he does what I've needed all along...
SIGH...Anyway...I took that photo of Ruby a couple of days ago. She is sleeping on Kayla's lap while she is sitting at the computer.
Love sponge. :)

Four Dinners said...

loadsa hugs babe.

Over here we've the Disability Discrimination Act 1995 which protects people from this shit. Nowt like that over there?

you look after yourself x

Biddie said...

4D I dunno what it's like yet. I've never had to deal with anything like this before...
Thanks for the hugs. :)

her indoors said...

biddie so wish i could do something for you, close your eyes, relax feel all the warmth the love and the hugs being sent for you x

Biddie said...

her indoors - :) thanks

CindyDianne said...

Biddie - It will work out with disability just like it worked out with the cheese situation. It just will. I know it. Have faith!

Canadian flake said...

I surely do feel bad for you biddie. I had to deal with the "disability" system in Canada years ago with my ex and it was a nightmare. There were valid proven reasons why he couldn't work but their thinking was that I could work so why help? Well duhhhhhh when I got pregnant and needed to be off work with a difficult pregnancy that was a real big help..lmao. Well hang in there hon, try to remember one day at a time...one hour at a time if needed.

Biddie said...

cindydianne - I'm kind of short on faith right now..Mind if I borrow some of yours?

Canadian flake - I am working on the one day at a time thing right now...I really hope that this doesn't turn into a nightmare...It has taken me a long time to give in and admit that I need my meds, that I need some extra help - I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well.

CindyDianne said...

Not at all. You may have a very healthy dose of it!

Tod said...

Eeek! Hang on in there Biddie?

Gardenia said...

oh dear, sweet Biddie, damn, damn, damn. I had no idea. Damn again. And then I apologize for my petty drivelings.

You have reason to be down. I'm glad you have taken action to see someone to help pull out. I pray you get your disability. It will help so much with your doc behind you. If you get turned down, gather all your records and there are attorneys that do it - they do take a bit out each month, but it would be worth it. The exams the social security office set up are ridiculous, so definitely get your documentation together! Hopeful the Canadian system is better.

Also if the meds make you worse - hound that doc, because some of them can and should be changed.

Jees, does my Wyoming landlord have a twin? That sounds so familiar. Well, you are just sensing something "very wrong" with the nosiness. But you are not in a position to get too tough on him right now. But be assured, he is being inappropriate. Heck, some people are just inappropriate. I too hate personal questions about my life from some people, but not all people.

The finances would be enough to make anyone depressed. What a struggle. I feel the middle class slipping in this country - perhaps Canada too? I also pray for a miracle for you in this area.

Take care, friend.

DJ Andi said...

Oh Lawd!

So sorry things seem so crazy right now. I hope disability works for you. In the states it is hard to get disability, but the best thing you can do is get your paperwork together and having the doctor behind you helps too! I have another friend who did the attorney thing and it worked out for him.

Keep your head up and keep thinking positively. Hugs to you.

And you give that little Ruby a big old hug for me. That is the cutest little thing. Preciou I say!