Pork Chop

We got Pork Chop (aka Petunia) 3 1/2 years ago from the local SPCA. She had been living there about 5 months already when KC decided that she, and our Poodle, needed a new friend. Poodle, our terri-poo, was getting on in years, and I was looking at going back to work full time. We thought that Porky would be a good companion for Poodle.

When we first went to meet Porky, she was bouncy, friendly, and SO cute. She seemed to be a perfect fit.

We had to visit with her about 3 times before we were allowed to bring her home. We spent time with her in the 'family room' where there were toys and chairs, and we all hung out getting to know each other. We even took her for a little walk outside.

It was the one and only time that she ever walked willingly on a leash. Once we got her home, we realized that the happy lil dog that was now a part of our family had snowed us.

She was NOT happy. She had been abused, and it was hard for her to trust. She was unable to walk up stairs (mind you, her legs were only about 3 inches long) but would try to bite you when you picked her up to help her.

She was a coffee addict. We found this out when she stole the neighbours Tim Hortons cup one day and tried to run off with it. I can't say how much she actually drank, but she spent the next EIGHT hours bouncing uncontrollably.

We lost Poodle and we were grateful to have the chihuahua/jack russell around. She hated to be cuddled, and she refused to walk on a leash, but she was entertaining.

When Ruby came home one year (to the day) after we lost Poodle, the angry, sullen Porky suddenly became loving. She played with the new puppy, and even carried food into the living room for her. Ruby spent the 1st two weeks here covered in Porky slobber.

She was NOT impressed when KC brought Bumble home. We knew that Porky was getting on, and we wanted a friend for Ruby. She would growl and grouse whenever they ran by her, like a cranky old lady. She hated visits from The Pug, because they would run around the house for hours on end. Her motto seemed to be No Fun On My Watch.

A couple of days ago, she stopped eating. She had been having a lot of accidents in the house (on the new carpet) and we could see that she was winding down. She didn't get up to say hi to Shawn when he came from work, and wasn't interested in the treats that we tried to tempt her with. She picked at her kibble, and drank constantly.

Yesterday, KC poured some coffee in a bowl, and brought to Porky. She barely lifted her head. We had the talk last night. The one where you have to decide whether or not you can watch a beloved family member suffer.

In the end, none of it mattered. She passed away this morning, shortly before we left the house.
I wrapped her in a blanket, put her in a box. When Shawn gets home, we will bury her in the back yard.

I hope that she finds peace now. I will never know what happened to Porky before she came to us. I can only hope that she felt loved in her last few years.

We will miss her.

If you are reading this on Tuesday, then KC and I will be walking from HERE To Here.
This is where we will be spending the better part of our day.

Wish us luck.

Thanks for all of the e mails and comments. My bi polar has gotten the best of me lately, and I am struggling to do the day to day stuff - even bathing has been a chore. I see my shrink on February 7th, and I am just trying to hang in until then.

I have court on Tuesday, with KC and Shawn. This should be interesting. We have all been subpoenaed to give evidence in the robbery assault that happened in December 2006. (Shawn and KC were assaulted and robbed by a cabbie). On my best days I can't talk in front of strangers, in a crowded room. I have no idea how I am going to handle this. I am not coping well right now, and I am afraid of having a full blown panic attack in the court room. (Ok, deep breaths.....) If I feel myself going down, I'm gonna scream 'It's The Big One !'

I will, I swear.

I am nothing of not entertaining.

Jessica is feeling better, and her weight has held steady at a mighty 94 lbs. I am buying a blender asap and making that kid shakes. She needs to pack the weight on (and no, we can't donate any..I already asked) so that the next time she gets a little flu bug, she doesn't fold like a K-Mart lawn chair. We have enough of that for the time being.

Shawn has promised to take me out this afternoon, so I should get my butt in gear. It is cold out, and we are soo close to broke, but I NEED to get out for awhile. It might take my mind off of the ordeal that awaits us on Tuesday.

Thanks for waiting for me. I'll be back soon.

Biddie

Survivor Meme

Katy, over at Her Indoors, tagged me with a meme. It's a relief, really, because I have been feeling very down, and I just couldn't think of anything to blog.

So, I guess that I need to list 25 things that I NEED, and 5 things that I WANT. This is my chance to communicate my own needs as a survivor (of abuse). I think that this will be good for me.

1. I need PEACE. Peace in my heart, in my mind, and in my home.

2. I need my meds. It seems so simple, but I am still waiting to see my shrink, and the wait is incredibly long and painful.

3. I need to realize that staying away from people that are toxic - even if you love them - is the best thing for me, and my family.

4. I need to work on my self esteem.

5. I need to spend more time with people that I love and that love me back.

6. I need to write more.

7. I need to be hugged.

8. I need more sleep.

9. I need to remember that children are not responsible for the actions of the adults around them.

10. I need to stop blaming myself for some things.

11. I need to visit my sister.

12. I need to forgive myself.

13. I need to forgive others.

14. I need to stop pretending.

15. I need Ruby.

16. I need to spend more time with my girls.

17. I need to feel like I am not alone.

18. I need friends.

19. I need to feel normal.

20. I need to leave my house more often.

21. I need to do things for others. It makes me feel great.

22. I need my jammie pants.

23. I need Shawn

24. I need new contacts and glasses.

25. I need to feel secure.


Now, for the list of WANTS.

1. I want to be happy again.

2. I want for my loved ones to be safe.

3. I want a cure for diabetes.

4. I want enough money to get by every month.

5. I want a ring on my finger.

That was actually much easier than I thought it would be. Apparently, I have a lot of needs :)

I know that most of blog buddies don't care much for meme's, so I will just ask that anyone that wants to can do their own. I'm glad that I did this. It feels good to share with you all.

A Letter From Nan

The Happy Couple

GOWAN - Cosmetics

I have been thinking of my BFF in Nova Scotia a lot lately. Maybe it's the spring - like conditions that have me thinking of Nova Scotia. I always miss the Atlantic Ocean so much more in the spring.
Maybe it's just 80's nostalgia.
Whatever it is, I thought of this song today. Heather and I used to lay on the grass under a basement window, listening to a garage band play.
It is one of my favourite memories from my mis-spent youth.

It may have been mis-spent, but I wouldn't trade it, or my friendship with Heather for anything.

It looks like Bumble wins, hands down.

Thanks for helping.

This is the newest member of our family. He is actually KC's baby, not mine. (yeah, right)
Is he cute, or what?! Of course, Ruby is losing her mind. She is so jealous of the puppy. She's being good, though, sharing her toys and cookies. So far.
We have no idea what we want to name him. These are the options so far.

Elliot

Bumble

Bosco

Dasher

Oscar.

What we want you all to do is vote on the name that you like best. Have one that you like better? Let us know. Right now, the poor little baby is nameless :(

I was in the middle of a long, thought provoking post, when the blasted internet closed on me. I hate when that happens!



Since my family got ripped on the whole Christmas Holiday thing, I am soo far behind. I have been dying to tell you all about my favourite gifts! There were jammie pants (I live in them ), and a new purse, and of course, you all saw my Laverne and Shirley tree ornament.



What I didn't get a chance to tell you about was this. My very first Royal Dalton.
Betty collects them, and ever since I was a little kid, I have wanted some of my own.
This Christmas, my former MIL, Lynn, gave me this one.

She has a collection left to her by her mom (she lives in a nursing home). Ever since Lynn was a little girl, she dreamed of passing the collection on to her daughter. Well, she had three sons. She gave me this figurine on Christmas Day, and said that I am only person that she has ever wanted to give this to.

I DIDN'T cry, but it was close. With all of the stuff going on, I knew that if I started crying, I would never stop.

Can you believe it?

This was another of my favourite gifts. (Yes, I know that the photo is upside down. Sigh. I suck)

Bumble Slippers!

KC's bf, Spencer gave them to me. I love them so much that I am not even going to wear them. I seem to have a small Bumble collection now, and I am going to put them with the others.

Are these cool, or WHAT?

Boxing Day was awesome, too. The Heidi family came to the hospital, and we had the whole cafeteria to ourselves. It was like renting a community centre, but for free! It was nice, because there were no distractions, and I got to spend time with Bucky and The Girl. It was just what I needed. I laughed like I have haven't laughed in ages.

Gabriel and Gaby stopped by, too. I LOVE Gaby. She has the most beautiful smile. She plays Gabriels straight man, and I could watch them all day. Honestly, it made my day, having my new friends, and my 'old' friends with me.

I think that the highlight of the day was when Heidi opened her POTC birthday card, and stood on a chair to do a little dance to the music. Jethro turned about 1o shades of red. It was a great day.

It wasn't a bad Christmas after all.

For Chellie

I have posted sooo many photos of Ruby, but since Chellie asked, here are some more.

You all know that I jump at the chance to show off my baby!

Home At Last

It's true. Jessica is home. I think that the phone call I made in the middle of the night saying that I was ready to sign my daughter out might have helped things along. I was a bit upset when Shawn had to walk home in -18 weather at 1:30 in the morning. Jessica woke up to being moved into a larger room - BUT since there was a teen age girl in there with Jess, he wasn't allowed to stay.

We all more than ready for her to come home. All they were doing was playing with her insulin levels. I think that her doctor will hit the roof when he finds out what has been done. It is all such a mess. They tried to fix in a couple of days what we have been working on for 10 years. I wonder if they even read her phone book sized file?

Anyway, her weight is up, her vital signs are stable, and she is home.

You know what else?

She's smiling again :)

This was taken last week, on Christmas Day. Jessica had a day pass, and we brought her home for our family dinner and to open gifts. Look at that smile.

I wish that she was doing more of that.

She might be home the day after tomorrow. Her vital signs are stable (well, more so) but her blood sugar is all over the place. They keep changing and tweaking it, trying to figure out why she is still high or low. I have news for them. This is how it has been for 10 years. There is no rhyme or reason some days, that is just how it is.

Her regular doctor is gone, so we might have to wait until he comes back before she can come home.

Shawn is at the hospital again with her, for the night. He is so good about these things. I don't know what I would do without him some days.

Thanks for coming back everyday. It means alot :)

****************************************************

Ok. It is 1 am. I just got a phone call from Shawn. Jessie is getting a roommate, and Shawn is walking home from the hospital. Her room is a single, and with an extra bed, there is no room for him. The extra bed takes up so much room that you can't open the door all of the way.

I am so fed up. I am done. Jessie will wake up, and she will be alone. I don't know what I will do, because there is literally NO PLACE for me sit with her tomorrow. Seriously. She had a roomie yesterday, and I got her moved. It was horrible. I don't mind sharing, but can we share a room that is meant for two kids? Maybe I am being unreasonable....I am just tired. This has been the worst Christmas holiday EVER and I want my baby home, NOW.

Jessica is so depressed that I am worried about her. I can't imagine why.

If her doctor were here, she would already be home.

I can not leave my daughter at that place for one more night.

I just want her home.

Wanna hear some GOOD news?

Jessie gained some weight, and her blood pressure was normal when I left today. Shawn is spending the night at the hospital with her, because she is getting depressed.

That means that I have the whole bed to myself, and I just might get more than 5 hours sleep tonight! Whoo Hoo!

Small victories, friends!

P.S. Thanks for all of the kind words. I am just too tired at the end of the day to answer all of the comments. You guys all rock :)

For Bucky

These photos are kind of grainy, I'll have to get Kayla to take more. In the meantime, here's Buddy. Remember him now?

Thanks for hanging in there. I know that I have been a bit rant-y and cranky lately.

I slept about 5 hours last night, and I spent the day with Jess. I am so exhausted.

Big time.

I spoke with her doctor today, and things are not looking good. Jessica's vital signs are unstable, and she needs to gain weight. Her blood sugars are great, thank goodness. Her fever is gone, but she still has tummy pains. She says that she is just not hungry.

I don't know what to do. If she doesn't eat, she won't regain any weight. If she doesn't gain weight, then her vital signs won't improve, and she won't be allowed to come home. I would be very surprised if she comes this week at all.

She has a new doctor this week. Her regular guy is on vacation, so she is seeing someone else. Of course, the buzz word for the day is EATING DISORDER.

I am so frustrated. I want the doctors to look beyond that. I do not think that she has a disorder. I really, honestly, don't.

The days are long and lonely for her, and she is becoming depressed. Of course, that in itself is another red flag for an eating disorder. There is no telling the doctors that she is bummed because she has spent almost all of her Christmas Holidays at the hospital, hooked up to an IV.
The longer that she sits in that room, the worse she feels. You can only watch so many movies and read so many magazines.

I want to badly to bring my baby home. More than anything, I just want her here with us again.

I am drinking. No, I am not drunk yet, but I am on my way. Why not? It's New Years Eve, and I have had a bad week.

We had to leave our baby at the hospital, and then we came home to Ruby, Porky, and our little house guest, The Pug. Ruby is thrilled to bits, and they have barely sat still. Kayla thinks that she will have a peaceful night with the two dogs in her room with her. LMAO!

Yeah, right.

So, anyway, this is really more of a vent or a rant than an actual post. Sorry.

I am so tired of people that are not involved in my life telling me (or my kids) what it is that I am doing wrong.

KC had someone tell her today WHY Jessie is sick.

Oh, THANK GOD! Thank you, your excellencey. We were all wondering why.

Acorrding to this person, if I did not feed Jessica so much SUGAR, she would be fine.

Never mind that this person has not seen her in about 2 years. Oh yeah, and this person also told KC that you don't do carb counting. That is WRONG.

Whew. Thank GOD that this person has it all figured out. I was getting worried!

Ok, asshat. Let me set you straight.

We count CARBS. That means that Jessie gets a certain amount of insulin according to her bg and the carbs that she is taking in with each meal/snack.

Jessica has had nearly perfect blood sugars since her last hospital visit. Even at home. Her blood sugar is better than ever, so that is not the issue.

I am not perfect, but PLEASE, give me the benefit of the doubt. I am not a bad mom. I take good care of my baby. We do not have a lot of money, but I do the best that I can. I am tired of being judged by someone that has never had any real hardship.

In fact, asshat, PISS off. I have done ok without you. Keep your opinions to yourself. Jessie needs people in her corner that care for her, not negative crap to bring her down.

In completely unrelated news - I can no longer feel my lips.

Just sayin.

Ok. well. that feels better.

In all honesty, I have been crying alot. I am worried sick about my little girl. I wish that I had a family to help, or lean on. I wish that my Dad were here, because things really would be different. I wish that she had a bio dad that gave two shits about her.

I am tired. I am scared. I know that God is listening, but is He really HEARING me? I just want my little girl home. I want my family whole again. My WHOLE family to be whole again.

Ok. I am gonna go. It is ..OMG after 2 am and I need to be at the hospital early.