Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I can't seem to break free of this funk that I am in. I am more depressed than ever, I have been for the past week or so.
Hubby and I went to my former MIL's last night to help move some furniture for her. She is still sorting through Grandma J's things. We moved some stuff, and my former mother in law (MFMIL) let us take some of Grandma's things home with us. I felt like a vulture. I still do.
What upset me even more is the fact that my no account ex didn't even bother to go help his mom while she deals with the emotional as well as tangible baggage that she's working through.
So, that was weighing heavily on me last night.

I miss this place. Nova Scotia. It has been 17 years since I have been to the one place that makes my heart sing. I consider Nova Scotia to be home, and I miss it sorely. My older brother and his wife to be live there. Some days, I wish that I did too.

Christmas will soon be upon us, and I am worried about that. Not just the financial aspects, but the whole Christmas season has got me down. Ever since the big rift in my family, Christmas hasn't been the same. We used to spend every Christmas Eve at my aunt Donna's house, after the church service, of course. The church service, at my littleLutheran church in my small home town, was always magical. The songs, the candles, the same people that have known me since I was 10....Nothing ever changes at St. Peter's, and I like that. I was an acolyte there, my Dad was Lay minister, my aunts still sing in the choir. I feel the joy and wonder of Christmas just walking through those doors.

My aunt Donna's is a magical place, too. She lives in some would consider an honest-to-goodness mansion, easily the prettiest house in town. When we were kids, we would hide in the basement until it was time to open gifts, playing with the couch cushions, making forts, hiding from my brothers. As the kids grew and more joined the family, the basement gave way to video games and barbie dolls. My girls played in the rooms that I had once found cavernous and wonderful.

That all changed a couple of years ago. Now, it is just my Hubby, the girls and I . I no longer feel the same anticipation for the hoildays. I know that my family will be gathering without me, and my heart breaks a little more every time I think of it.

As for Hubby's family...We've already covered that, no need to rehash it. We won't be spending Christmas, or any other holiday with them in the near future.

I know that I have a lot to thankful for, and I am. My kids,my Hubby, my friends (bloggy, and otherwise), the fact that we did pay our rent this month....I am thankful. I just can't shake this soul crushing depression.

Hey, maybe if I had some visitors over the hoildays.....What are you guys all doing this Christmas? Wanna come for turkey dinner? Hubby is a teriffic cook, and KK and I will bake some pies....











29 comments:

Coffeypot said...

Sweet Tea and I and Marni and her family went on a cruse to Nova Scotia this summer. It was a unique experience in that we arrived in the middle of a petered out hurricane. The wind blew some tree limbs down on top of cars, the rain came down sideways, and it was a blast. We took a trolley tour of Halifax and saw the clock and the fort, etc. Marni wants to move there, too. She fell in love with the place. It’s a bit too hilly for me, but I did enjoy seeing the place. As for being depressed, it’s okay. At least you are feeling. It is better than the alternative and, like a Mexican food, it will pass, too.

Life, or Something Like It said...

coffeypot - Marni told me a little about the cruise. Too bad that you were there during the storm, it really is so breath takingly beautiful. You're right, though, too many hills. You should try riding a bike up those suckers....
I know that my depression will lift, when it does I'll go through my crazy manic phase...Laughing at evrything until I feel like sides will bust right open...Ah, the life of bi-polar girl..

Anonymous said...

I want to come for Christmas! Don't think I could handle any snow though. I'm a Southern girl and this town shuts. down. in bad weather. One little flurry and you can't find bread or milk ANYWHERE!

Maybe you could come South? We cook some pretty good fixin's here, too.

Heidi the Hick said...

Hmmm....we're not going to Florider this winter....my cousins get together is first weekend in December....

...think you'll be manic by then???

Heidi the Hick said...

And you do know how I feel about Halifax. I'm not even a city person, plus I'm a landlubber but I love that gorgeous little city on the ocean!

Life, or Something Like It said...

marni - I'm no snow bunny, either. I tend to hibernate when it gets too cold/snowy.
South, huh? Sounds good...What kind of fixins' are we talking about here?

Coffeypot said...

What kind of fixins’? Honey, you will be in the South. There will be Opossum, boiled or barbequed, squirrel and rabbit. There will be grits, sawmill grave, biscuits, beans, cornbread and squirrel pie, banana puddin’ and some sort of cake. For beverages we’ll have ice tea and coffee, beer and, for the older folks, a little moonshine (nectar of the Gods.) We eat it out on the lawn tables and let the dogs run free to keep the chickens and cows away from the table. Don’t worry ‘bout the flees, though. The shine will kill them off soon as they bite you. And the food is so good you’ll be licking you lips so hard you will have brain damage. Come on down.

Anonymous said...

Turkey, sweet potatos (or yams as we call 'em), green beans, corn, rolls, collard or turnip greens, fried squash, pee-can pie... you name it, we can cook it!

Or... if you go to CoffeyPot's house it is a cold cut platter, a shrimp platter, along with pee-can, apple and cherry pies.

And all washed down with good ol' sweet tea. YUMMY!

Life, or Something Like It said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Life, or Something Like It said...

coffeypot - It sounds like a feast fit for a king....I'm going to ponder yer offer awhile....

marni - we call 'em yams, too. Hubby loves 'em. Hubby loves shrimp, too.. This is all so tempting......

Life, or Something Like It said...

Heidi - I NEVER know when I'll be manic....Anytime spent with you tends to be manic, tho....So much laughter. Can't wait to plan something...

CindyDianne said...

Biddie - Maybe it is something in the air? I am struggling right now too...

FOUR DINNERS said...

Lots of cyber hugs babe. Now. Sing with me.

1, 2, 3...

"Allways look on the bright side of life te tum te tum te tum te tum" etc etc etc

C'mon then...Sing!!

Heidi the Hick said...

Hey I know that song!

Let's go to Coffeypot's house! He has BBQ squirrel!!!

ldbug said...

Ah, so sorry about your extended family.

We always just had our little family Christmases. Me, my brother, my mom and dad. I wonder if I'll even see my brother this year. Christmas can be sad, can't it? Party at your place sounds like a plan;-)

Life, or Something Like It said...

cindydianne - maybe you should come for a visit.
I wonder if it's the thought of the hloidays, or winter, or...Hope you're feeling better soon.

4D - the thought of you singing makes me smile...Are you doing a little dance, too?

heidi - bbq squirrel? I dunno..we had that here a few weeks back. Couldn't bring myself to eat it...The rest sounds good, though...

ldbug - You're not THAT far away from me..You could come for a party...
I hope that you see your brother at Christmas. Christmas really is a time for family. I miss mine like mad. funny how it all seems to hit during the holidays...
Maybe when you take over the world you can do something about your brother and his 'girlfriend' As supreme ruler, he will have no choice but to obey!!!!

Tod said...

Hey, a big bloggy Christmas get together. Wouldn't that be fun? Could I help Adult knock the trees over in your village?

Life, or Something Like It said...

tod - I think that's a grand idea! You remembered about KC's disdain for my village.... She talks big, but she's not brave enough to do any real damage...
I think that I have room for about 3 extra people - comfortably...Let me know..Are either you or G good cooks?

mjd said...

But it is wonderful that you and your ex-mother-in-law have such a good relationship. She sounds like a good, kind person.

The blogging world's Christmas plans sound grand. Whoever, you spend Christmas with, I hope that the day is blessed with merriment and love.

If we could all really meet for Christmas, I can bring a festive Holiday Cranberry Pie. Now, that may not sound tasty but my cranberry pie has received many compliments.

Life, or Something Like It said...

mjd - Pie of any kind is welcome! My FMIL is one of my best friends..She is incredibly kind, and we always have great fun together. Maybe if you come for Christmas, you'll meet her!

Jay said...

You just have to make the holidays special for you in a new way. Find some new traditions that will be meaningful to you - it doesn't have to be bad.

Tod said...

And don't forget dillings prickly pear margaritas and key lime pie. They would be worth crossing the ocean for!

Gardenia said...

Nova Scotia looks beautiful! Something 'bout being close to the water is so soothing to the soul.

Our little family is pretty much to ourselves on Christmas....I can't imagine a big, bustling family although I see it on TV and it looks fun! Anyway, there is a certain coziness, gathering your precious nuclear family by the tree! Love them fiercly!

One thing is constant in life - that is change. Thanks for the invite! Would if I could, I would come for turkey, etc.! Sounds delicious!

Nonny said...

The holidays are a hard time for alot of people. The change of seasons effect people too. I hope this passes quickly Biddie, you deserve much happiness.

You should try and make some new traditions for the holidays that are just for your immediate family. Take a small trip somewhere or else have a day for decorating and cookie baking. Something to take your mind off the past.

Though I do get to spend the holidays with my family. Me and my husband are considered outsiders by most. They are all college educated and quite well off where is we're sorta blue collar and struggle from month to month. I put on a happy face for my children and try not to dwell on it.

Camie Vog said...

When is this party?!? I know that you are in Ontario, but where? Michigan isn't that far away from you, and it's been awhile since we've left this state. Give me the time and the place, and perhaps we can make this happen. Feel free to email me the info via my blog profile.
I think of you often, Life. You're one of my favorite bloggers. Try to find at least one thing to smile about today. :)

dilling said...

changing seasons, the loss of light and the holidays are a hard, hard time...
you gotta endure, babe!!!
i am going home for the holidays...to my family...now that is depressing! smirkysmirksmirk

Tod said...

Making new traditions is something we have always liked to do. Our favourite one is to drink a bottle of bucks fizz for breakfast on Christmas morning as we sit round the tree and open our presents. I am generally rat arsed by the time I get to open auntie Edna's scary home made sweater.

SkippyMom said...

Well Biddie, if you can handle four more and a couple of weiner dogs we will be there with BELLS ON! - Try as I might [and I am the one that always cooks] NO ONE wants us to come for Thanksgiving - they can't travel to us and I thought I was being nice offering to come to them, but they all have other plans with other family memebers...so no dice!

If nothing else I will send you some cookies!!!!

..and I agree, it can be a hard time, but hang in there. We all care and love you very much [our here in bloggyland] I like the make new traditions thought - I think you should concentrate on that - and it shouldn't cost a lot - I will try and send you some good ideas along with the shoes, kay?

Hugs sweetie and hang in there!

[and if you would like to come to our South [bit up from Marni] we do Oyster Stuffing in addtion to all the other yummy southern stuff b/c we grew up on the Chesapeake - love our seafood!]

The Adult in Question said...

I'm going to the dollar store to put some random stuff in the villiage. Oooh Tod, I can't wait for your help with the destruction of the village - I mean C'mon it comes out November 1st and stays up until April/Mayish. Not really Xmas. It is not a "winter scene" either. If you would just let me put some dinosaurs or princesses in, we would be fine...and a Barbie leg.