Hubby and I went to my former MIL's last night to help move some furniture for her. She is still sorting through Grandma J's things. We moved some stuff, and my former mother in law (MFMIL) let us take some of Grandma's things home with us. I felt like a vulture. I still do.
What upset me even more is the fact that my no account ex didn't even bother to go help his mom while she deals with the emotional as well as tangible baggage that she's working through.
So, that was weighing heavily on me last night.
I miss this place. Nova Scotia. It has been 17 years since I have been to the one place that makes my heart sing. I consider Nova Scotia to be home, and I miss it sorely. My older brother and his wife to be live there. Some days, I wish that I did too.
Christmas will soon be upon us, and I am worried about that. Not just the financial aspects, but the whole Christmas season has got me down. Ever since the big rift in my family, Christmas hasn't been the same. We used to spend every Christmas Eve at my aunt Donna's house, after the church service, of course. The church service, at my littleLutheran church in my small home town, was always magical. The songs, the candles, the same people that have known me since I was 10....Nothing ever changes at St. Peter's, and I like that. I was an acolyte there, my Dad was Lay minister, my aunts still sing in the choir. I feel the joy and wonder of Christmas just walking through those doors.
My aunt Donna's is a magical place, too. She lives in some would consider an honest-to-goodness mansion, easily the prettiest house in town. When we were kids, we would hide in the basement until it was time to open gifts, playing with the couch cushions, making forts, hiding from my brothers. As the kids grew and more joined the family, the basement gave way to video games and barbie dolls. My girls played in the rooms that I had once found cavernous and wonderful.
That all changed a couple of years ago. Now, it is just my Hubby, the girls and I . I no longer feel the same anticipation for the hoildays. I know that my family will be gathering without me, and my heart breaks a little more every time I think of it.
As for Hubby's family...We've already covered that, no need to rehash it. We won't be spending Christmas, or any other holiday with them in the near future.
I know that I have a lot to thankful for, and I am. My kids,my Hubby, my friends (bloggy, and otherwise), the fact that we did pay our rent this month....I am thankful. I just can't shake this soul crushing depression.
Hey, maybe if I had some visitors over the hoildays.....What are you guys all doing this Christmas? Wanna come for turkey dinner? Hubby is a teriffic cook, and KK and I will bake some pies....