Today is a big day. Today my eldest daughter graduates from high school. I have so many conflicting feeling about this.
My 1st daughter was born before I turned 19. I was a highschool drop out, living with my then boyfriend, also a drop out. It was a less than ideal start, to say the least. I had dreams of becoming a journalist, or a nurse, or .... It didn't matter then. Now I was a Mommy. I always wanted to be a Mommy, too. Just not at 18.
From the very beginning, I knew that I was meant to be a Mom. A wife, not so much, but I loved being a Mom. KC was beautiful, and funny, and oh my GOD, we thought that she was BRILLIANT. We all did, truthfully. (Of course, now that Heidi has her own kids, we've seen True genius. The Boy made an electric guitar out of cardboard. And the Girl? Where do I start?)
I remember KC's 1st day of kindergarten like it was yesterday. I can tell you what she wore, how she smiled, they way that my Dad and I cried as she made her way into the classroom. She was independant from the moment she could walk, talk, get around on her own. She was a little mother to her 2 younger sisters, teaching them everything that a big sister should. KK followed her everywhere, and J was dubbed 'Our Baby' by a 7 year old KC.
Things have changed. I'm no longer Mommy, I am Mom. I'm not tripping over toys any more, I'm tripping over shoes and school books, and purses littering the living room. The girls argue more now. If I have to hear one more disagreement about that GD hair straightener....KC is in college, working part time, and spending more time at parties then at home.
I know that this is normal, and I welcome her journey into adulthood. I do. It just seems as though every step forward is another step away from me. I want her to be happy, and successful, and to have her own life. I just miss the little girl that made me into a full fledged grown up. I miss the kid that would smile through her missing front teeth, laughing like mad at something that her baby sister had done. I miss Hallowe'en parties and birthday parties with 20 screaming kids. I miss barbie dolls and cartoons...(Ok, we still watch cartoons, but it's not the same).
I guess that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that we will drift apart, the way that I did from both of my mothers. I'm afraid of my kid getting kicked around by life and not being able to fix it for her.
So, tonight we go to see her get her diploma, the 1st of my girls to graduate from high school. Tonight I wll cry, and rejoice, and feel an overwhelming sense of pride. Tonight, my daughter will once again help me in my journey. Hubby and I will become parents of a Graduate. Life will be different for everyone. I don't know what will happen on her journey. I just hope that we have prepared her for everything that lies ahead . I hope that someday she has a daughter that changes her life, to make it better, enhance it, to complete it. The same way that she did for me.