Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Truth About HIS Family

I love my Hubby. I love my family. I do NOT love my Hubby's family.
Hubby and I have been together for just over 5 years. We have been through so much together...More in 5 years than some people go through in 20. Hubby has helped me raise my 3 girls from 2 previous marriages. We have become a family in every way possible. My girls adore him, and like every other kid, they also hate him some days. They refer to him as "Dad", or "My Dad", but usually call him by his first name. KK has been reduced to tears more than once by a classmate or hurtful person telling her that 'S is not your Dad.' My response is to tell them that KK's relationship with her Dad is no one else's business. We decide who our family is, not someone who is of no importance to us.
My family, the family that I am still involved with, think of S as my Hubby, TMOC and Lucky think of him as their brother-in-law. It's that simple. The rest of family, Mom, Mum, 2 brothers, a sister, are no longer a part of my life. That makes it simple too.
Hubby's family is different altogether. He has 7 sisters, one brother, numerous nieces, nephews, his mom, his dad. He has been the go to guy since he was a kid. He quit school at 15 to work full time. He supported his family, turning over every paycheck for years to help out. He was single, without a serious girlfriend until 5 years ago, when we hooked up. This created a problem for S's family. With me, and 3 kids to support, love, live with, he could no longer be the guy to rush in to rescue eveyone else. He still cares, but his resources are now spoken for, he has his own family now. This means that he can't hand over a whole paycheck to give to a sister, so that she can go away for a weekend, or buy a new wardrobe, or a $500 bike for her kid. I'm not kidding. This is where his money went. He also paid for pedigree puppies, bought cars, paid for home improvements. This was expected because he had no family of his own to support. He was the one that was going to take of his parents in their old age. Pay the bills, give up his life to care for his parents, so that the other 8 siblings don't have to be bothered. That is what it boils down to. Give up your life so that I can live mine. It may sound unbelievable, but that's the truth. They have done just about everything that they could to break us up. They have even tried to convince me that S is cheating on me. I think it pisses them off that I am still here.


So, as a result, they hate me. Not me, so much as what I mean to them. I mean a loss of their freedom, a loss of their free time, a loss of their guilt free living. Now, instead of S picking up the slack, every one has to pitch in. I have been treated like gum stuck to a shoe. No, worse. Like dog shit stuck to a shoe. They don't even know me. They don't know that I would do just about anything for someone that I love, someone that I care about. They don't know that if they were to treat me with just an ounce of respect, or with a fraction of kindness, I would bend over backwards for them. They don't know this because they have never taken the time to get to know me.
So, S had it out with his mom today. He laid it out on the line. Treat Biddie with respect, or say good bye. I don't want it to come to that, but I am so tired of being hurt, of crying about people that have never given me a second thought.
S's mom was so shocked. She wanted to know what to do. Should they have a get together just for Biddie? Should we all go out, maybe have dinner?
Christ on a cracker, it's been 5 effing years! I have extended my hand so many times, that I just don't think that I can do it again. Why? I am done being hurt.
When Hubby asked for a loan last week, his mom' s response was 'If it were just you, we would, but HER...'
I doubt whether they even know my name. Well, they probably have their own name for me....
That's it. That's the reason that his family hates me. Not because I am a bad person, or an unfit mom or a horrible wife. They hate me because I love S.
I honestly don't know what will happen. Maybe S will be forgiving. Maybe we'll all have Christmas together, maybe, maybe, maybe...But I'm not holding my breath.

20 comments:

CindyDianne said...

It sounds to me like you might all be happier if you have Christmas with your own little family.

Many times, the true family are the ones you choose anyway!

Life, or Something Like It said...

No doubt about it. Heidi is my family now, it's been that way for a very long time. I can depend on her ALWAYS for moral support, to lend an ear or a hand.
I don't really want to spend Christmas with them, anyway. I want to have a low key, happy day.
That reminds me,I better get going...Christmas isn't that far off...

Heidi the Hick said...

I think it's so sad that they haven't bothered. They are the ones missing out. I feel sorry for them.

Everybody deserves respect, especially a family member's chosen mate! It's not always easy. But respect at least. Even if they didn't like you, they should respect you.

Because I'm all nicey nice and stuff I hope they come around and figure it out but you can't hold your breath. You'll pass out. We can't have you passing out.

I pray that they accept that S is his own man, with his own family, and that he can't raise his kids and raise his parents at the same time.

His mom's nuts. After all this time, taking you out for dinner is going to solve your hurt feelings? sigh...

Life, or Something Like It said...

Yeah..I've kind of given up on them coming around. I think that i'll just try to avoid them. That's sad, too. Consider the fact that my former MIL is one of my dearest friends, even after an ugly court battle.
Funny...

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Anonymous said...

I'm sorry they are such butts... come to Georgia! We'll love ya here!

Life, or Something Like It said...

Oh, Marni!! I would come in a minute if I could!
I am super close to my x's mom, so I guess that kinda makes up for it. And, now I have you!! You have been so kind...Yeesh, I'm going to cry..AGAIN

ldbug said...

He stuck up for you, he loves you and you love him. That's the main thing. You're so lucky to have love like that. The rest of us are still looking!

As to his family, be cautious, be friendly, but don't put your heart on the line. Go if you're invited, smile, be pleasant, but don't go overboard, and your hubby shouldn't either. Tell them you are being cautious, let them know how hurt you are. Communicate your feelings so they know your kindof stand-offish behaviour is because you're afraid of getting hurt, not because you don't like them.

(not the same, but my Mom's best friend of 20 some-odd years, has, in recent years been cruel to my Mom, taking advantage of her big heart. My mom finally told her, I can't be hurt like this. They're on a tentative trial-like relationship now, which is good....I think it was important to say exactly how she felt.)

Life, or Something Like It said...

ldbug - I had a friend much like your mom's. We have known each other almost 20 years, but we rarely speak anymore. My friend was always in need, which was no problem, except that whenever I was in need, she was unavailible. I finally had to distance myself because her problems were becoming MY problems. I would get middle of the night phone calls from her. Her idea of an emergency and everyone else's is a little different. I do miss her, but our home is way calmer...
As for Hubby's family...These people do not communicate. Ever. It just doesn't happen. I have been polite, and I will continue to be polite...I just won't put my heart out there again.
I am SO lucky to have my guy, and I know it. It took me a long time and 2 bad marriages, but we're together now, and that's what counts.

The Adult in Question said...

Uh Mom....don't know how to say this but I don't want to EVER have Xmas with them again. Remember P's kids being bitey and everyone else received gifts and opened them in front of us? That sucked and made me feel like crap. I'd rather stay here and do nothing. Nothing I say. Okay we can watch Rudolph and I will watch some of those other Xmas movies with you ...if you let me knock the trees over in your village, and pretend there was a natural disaster. Oh and I want to be able to put my random figurines in there. And Nog...there must be Nog.

Life, or Something Like It said...

In all fairness, we didn't have gifts because we didn't participte in the gft exchange. That was our choice.
But, yeah....It was uncomfortable with the whole biting/climbing/screaming thing.
Yes to the Nog, no the village.

Heidi the Hick said...

When you guys talk about the Christmas village all I can think of is Jack Skellington and the "what's this, what's this?" song.

bitey kids....bleccchhh. Who wants to hang around with them? NObody!!!!

Gardenia said...

Wow, I think they hate you because their "cash cow" is no longer there. This is very toxic for you & your husband. You must have an incredible marriage to have withstood these onslaughts. Perhaps a separation from his family would be good for a while. But be prepared - when you start to break control (and I believe that is their problem with you - they no longer have control over your husband) --- well, it'll be a fury for a while. They might eventually come around if you & hubby are consistant with the boundaries....but if not, you, as a couple, owe yourselves some mental health without all the crazyness, and your children also.

I agree with Lady Bug - if you go be very very cautious. I just feel grief for you, your husband, and your family...perhaps its a grief of goodbye to the old and now to feel joy for a hello to the new. May your paths be clear as a sunshine day!

PS - There is a blog on my site - "To Love, Honor, and Dismay" - Andrew gives very insightful views and advice.......I ask for his advice occassionaly and he's amazing and boy from what you are going through, you need sane people on your side. :)

Tod said...

Well it looks like you got some great advice. Keep in mind when things are bad that you, your hubby & your kids are the only family that matters.

And I want to see you Christmas village!

Nonny said...

In-laws are a strange breed. My husbands mom and dad live with us. We built an in-law suite in our basement and they live there for free. He has three sisters who do nothing for them. My husband is expected to do everything. His mother is extremely demanding and acts like our house is her house. Often he has to drop everything to wait on her. I get extremely agitated over this and it has caused a rift in our relationship. Especially when money is tight, like now and they don't even offer to help out with the utilities or anything. I know where you're coming from.

Life, or Something Like It said...

diana - You hit the nail on the head! It's all about the money. His mom actually said to him 'you know how people take advantage of you..'
I am taking away their cash cow. They think that I could not possibly love him because for ANY reason. It must be money. Let me tell you - There isn't any! We barely squeak by, we have no savings, we own nothing. That's ok with me. I don't want much, if the bills are paid and I can go the movies 2 a month, I'm good.
I have checked out that link on your blog, but I just may stop by again.

tod - I feel bad for my Hubby, because he's so torn. They might not be nice people, but they are still his family...
You'll see my Christmas village! It's a work in progress, I add a little something each year. It drives the girls crazy, I'm not sure why. That just makes me love it all the more!

nonny - I am soo sorry! At least my in laws live in their own home.
My 1st x's mom was alot like your MIL, I suspect. She always had a key to my home, she came by whenever, and my x dropped everything to help her. It drove my crazy and probably played a part in our divorce...
I hope that you and your Hubby fare better. (my x was a louse, there was more to it, but his mom sure made things worse). Maybe your Hubby could speak with her about paying a small amount every month to help out. (listen to me!! like I should give advice!!!!) I guess it depends what kind of relationship they have...Does she help with the kids or do a load of laundry, or contribute in that way at all?
S has sort joked around about his mom moving in with us. I would leave. Our house is not set up for that, and we have no privacy as it is..She wouls totally run our house, and cook strange German/Hungarian delicasies that would scare my kids..Nope, just wouldn't work...

Camie Vog said...

From what it looks like in the first portion of your post, you do have a loving and supported immediate family. That is what counts. The family attached to your hubby are just extras. They don't count in the grand plan of your real, immediate family. Sure, it sucks that the extras behave the way they do. Based on how they act, do you really want to be a part of their drama? If they don't like you, so what? Then they don't participate in your life. Cut the cords of distain with them and give your immediate family a huge hug. Your hubby sure sounds a lot like mine. We are very lucky ladies, you know?

Life, or Something Like It said...

camie vog- I do feel very lucky in so many ways..
We do distance ourselves, but they keep popping back up. I know that Hubby feels torn. that's the hardest part of all this. He deserves better, you know? Maybe someday they'll see what is that they have been missing out on!

dilling said...

lots of advise from everyone!!! wow... I don't have any!!! My own, oh so precarious, familial relationships do not entitle me to hand out advise in others' family relationships...ha ha. Most of mine are held at arm's length for my own sanity... though I often get kick ass Christmas presents! Guilt, maybe! Myabe you will get some kick ass gifts out of this!?! Sorry, flippant. That's how I handle family crisis...eeesh...well, I hope things change for the better, whichever way better takes you.

Life, or Something Like It said...

dilling - His family is soo strange. Most of my family is estranged for a reason, and that's the way it is. With his family, you never really know...Kick ass Christmas gifts usually come from TMOC and his wife-to-be, Lovey....Yeah, it's probably guilt!!!!