Does anyone rememeber me talking about the night that Heather and I were picked up by the police in Nova Scotia? It was the night that I thought that we (well, me, really) were going to be charged with attempted murder?
Well, I found our dear friend Mr. Eckstein on facebook. I wrote him a little letter, and this is the reply that I got. Just to make things clear, the first time that he hit me, I was walking past my school with Shane, when Mr. Eckstein called us out. I did respond, to be sure. Of course I did. I was a loud mouthed 17 year old girl. I was also a 120 pound 17 year old that was attacked by a middle weight semi pro boxer.
After that night in June, Mr. Eckstein stalked me for MONTHS. I didn't leave the house alone, and I was terrified for my life. One night in August, Heather, Shane, Blaine, and their middle brother and oldest sister and I went for a walk. As luck would have it, we stopped in front of Mr. Eckstein's house.
He came running out of the house, and swung a piece of wood at my head....Make no mistake about it, he meant to kill me.
I have reflected on this night, for 20 years. What follows is the communication between Mr. Eckstein and myself. I did NOT throw the first the punch. In fact, when he came at me, I was so frozen with fear, that I sat where I was, and pissed my pants.
Hi, Shawn I guess that you have no interest in communicating with me. I thought as much. That's ok. I still want to share some things with you. I have memories of that night..you know the one I mean. I can remember you coming at me with that 2x4, wearing nothing but a pair of track pants, your barefeet slapping the pavement. You swung that piece of wood at my head, and I knew, in that moment, that you truly meant to kill me. What I don't know is why. I never even met you before that balmy June night when Shane and I were out walking. I had no idea as to who you were, or what you were about. WHY did you pick us that night? Why couldn't you let it go after you punched my face and your friends left Shane with a bloody lip? I don't know. I do know that in that moment, the exact moment that the block of wood grazed my ear, I knew that it was kill or be killed. I was a 17 year old girl that had left home because of abuse. I was a stranger in Dartmouth, and only wanted to feel free. You took away so much from me, Shawn. I still dream of you. I see your face in the window, as it appeared that night. I hear the primal scream that you let out as you came at me. Thanks to you, something in me changed that night. I heard from a friend that I scared you that night. Do you remember me hanging off the truck, slicing at you, screaming? Do you remember MY face? I hope so. I hope that you never forget me. I hope that you never forget any of us from that night. I have waited 20 years to say these things to you. 20 years is a long time. There was so much more that I had wanted to say....Time heals all wounds, Shawn. Too bad it doesn't erase the bad dreams.
Well, I found our dear friend Mr. Eckstein on facebook. I wrote him a little letter, and this is the reply that I got. Just to make things clear, the first time that he hit me, I was walking past my school with Shane, when Mr. Eckstein called us out. I did respond, to be sure. Of course I did. I was a loud mouthed 17 year old girl. I was also a 120 pound 17 year old that was attacked by a middle weight semi pro boxer.
After that night in June, Mr. Eckstein stalked me for MONTHS. I didn't leave the house alone, and I was terrified for my life. One night in August, Heather, Shane, Blaine, and their middle brother and oldest sister and I went for a walk. As luck would have it, we stopped in front of Mr. Eckstein's house.
He came running out of the house, and swung a piece of wood at my head....Make no mistake about it, he meant to kill me.
I have reflected on this night, for 20 years. What follows is the communication between Mr. Eckstein and myself. I did NOT throw the first the punch. In fact, when he came at me, I was so frozen with fear, that I sat where I was, and pissed my pants.
Hi, Shawn I guess that you have no interest in communicating with me. I thought as much. That's ok. I still want to share some things with you. I have memories of that night..you know the one I mean. I can remember you coming at me with that 2x4, wearing nothing but a pair of track pants, your barefeet slapping the pavement. You swung that piece of wood at my head, and I knew, in that moment, that you truly meant to kill me. What I don't know is why. I never even met you before that balmy June night when Shane and I were out walking. I had no idea as to who you were, or what you were about. WHY did you pick us that night? Why couldn't you let it go after you punched my face and your friends left Shane with a bloody lip? I don't know. I do know that in that moment, the exact moment that the block of wood grazed my ear, I knew that it was kill or be killed. I was a 17 year old girl that had left home because of abuse. I was a stranger in Dartmouth, and only wanted to feel free. You took away so much from me, Shawn. I still dream of you. I see your face in the window, as it appeared that night. I hear the primal scream that you let out as you came at me. Thanks to you, something in me changed that night. I heard from a friend that I scared you that night. Do you remember me hanging off the truck, slicing at you, screaming? Do you remember MY face? I hope so. I hope that you never forget me. I hope that you never forget any of us from that night. I have waited 20 years to say these things to you. 20 years is a long time. There was so much more that I had wanted to say....Time heals all wounds, Shawn. Too bad it doesn't erase the bad dreams.
I have to say that the details of that night are a little foggy, so if I have some of the things wrong I appoligize, first I think that if you were no sitting baiting me out in frount of my house then that unfortunate night would never occured. I think that there was other issues that I can not remember but all that being said I am very sorry for your sleepless nights in my youth I was a scapper and scraping was the way I dealt with most things, now I know that this is no excuse but it is the way I did things back then. That being said I do not think that I have ever tried to beat someone up that I did not think had it coming to them (so you may want to reflect on what maybe you did wrong that night instead of throwing the blame all on me) let me asure you of all the fights that I have been in I have never thrown the first punch why would that night be any different.Once again Sorry that was a different time in a different place and some of the things I did back then I regret for sure but funny thing about life is you an't take things back other than to say sorry and I have Shawn
P.S I hope you got what you needed out of this comunication.
24 comments:
OMIGAWD I HATE FACEBOOK.
I'm sorry maybe it's me but I can't get into that site and read it.
Hmmm, ok, I try to copy it and send it. OR, you could go into MY facebook and look. I'll give you my password. Actually, you already know it...I use the same one for almost everything...
there is the possibility that I'm just a moron of course...I'll try again. I want to read it.
I can always read it to you....
Signed up but can't fathom out how to get the message. I'm not thick - just pissed again....
4D - kayla is going to help me do a copy and paste...Maybe that'll work better..
Ok, I got the bugs all worked out...Now everyone should able to read it.
Still just on MySpace. Hi I made it on for a few!
sorry for what this pillock put you through, there is no excuse for violence of this kind, or any kind, how dare he say that he only 'scrapped' if people deserved it!!!! the arrogant b****rd, try and not let him hurt you anymore, you know he did wrong, you know he is a worthless piece of s**t, the past has a tendency to pull us back down but we should not let it, so girl it is onwards and upwards x
Strange...he doesn't actually look like a jerk.
I say again, you have taken the fear out of it.
You know what he's about and you don't have to be afraid anymore. That was a brave step.
I know how the fearful memories stick in the back of your mind but here's one more thing that doesn't have to have such a hold on you. I'm proud of you. I think you got what you needed out of this communication.
Wow! That's some crazy stuff. Very vivid!
OK PEOPLE.
I know this was a traumatic event and everything, but seriously, let's just be honest with ourselves here...
THAT LETTER WAS ONE SERIOUS PIECE OF WRITING.
From my past I can only offer one thing to say to your letter, and that is this... I am an incest survivor and the man that hurt me so deeply was infact my father. For more than 20 yrs I held on to my anger and blamed him for having such a profound effect on my life, which he surely did in a negative way. I used to think that if he would only admit his mistakes and apologize, it would somehow make it all better. It is only been recently that I have been able to start to let go of my anger. Where I used to hate the man with every part of my being, now I honestly pity the butthead. God knows what he did to me and he will have to answer for his choices one day. The thing that I have come to realize is that people like my father, and the man that hurt you...they don't have the ability to admit their mistakes and apologize. They justify and blame others (which this man seemed to do in his letter to you)...and we are meant to again feel bad for THEIR mistakes. I hope you can find peace and realize that what goes around,comes around and he WILL get what is coming to him some day.
whimsical - I'm glad that you made it! It was good to see you, even just for a moment. Any idea when you'll be back?
Her in doors - I didn't expect an apology. it was more just for me, you know? he'll get his someday....Karma, baby!
The signal is getting stronger! *knock on wood*
Biddie, remind me never to pick a fight with you and if I do I will have to bring something bigger than a 2x4. Only joking.
Yes, if they would only just say sorry it would go some way to healing. I know this personally, believe me I do.
Y;-) Paddy
I agree with Heidi's comment. You have real writing talent Biddie.
corky - I told you that I was a wild and crazy girl once upon a time. Seriously, tho, it was a horrible night, and this was about closure for me. I knew that Mr. Eckstein would react this way, but at least I had my say.
Heidi - Thank you.
Canadian Flake - Thank you for your comment. I am also an incest survivor, and I know where you are coming from. This letter was an exercise for me, and not so much about him. It felt goo d to write it, and it even better to post it. I am working the peace thing, but I firmly believe that what goes around comes around. For your father, my abuser, and Mr. Eckstein. Thanks so much for your kind words.
Paddy - I was pushed beyond any reason that nite. He stalked me for months before the night that I recounted, and I truly just snapped. You're right, a simple 'sorry' would go so far.
corky - I forgot. Thank you! Coming from you and Heidi, that really is a compliment.
Biddie,
I had to come back and read this again before commenting. What Eckstein to a seventeen old girl did is irrational. Trying to view irrational acts rationally is not possible. Even if his apology is not an apology at all, I hope that your correspondence with him has provided you with healing about this frightening event in your life. Take care.
I hope this helped you to heal.
You have so much to deal with now I find myself incredulous that you would revisit something so painful right now...but it makes sense, in that, as a willing participant that you need to find a rational explanation to why he attacked you in order to deal with the fear you still feel.
The most curious part was the sentence "We found ourselves stopped in front of his house." [I paraphrased] Did you know it was his house? or was that inadvertent? Perhaps you unconciously place yourself in these dire situtations in reaction to other factors in your life? It sounds silly - but some people that have grown up with a chaotic childhood find it neccessary to continue the drama in order to feel "normal" - whatever normal is...Eventhough the person hurts from the drama, it isn't enough for life to run smoothly....
Look at me...playing "shrink"...I apologize..hee...But the signs and symptoms are so blatant [sp?]...I just want to see you get better and enjoy life to it's fullest...it is just so obvious that you have so much pain and working through it must be such a burden.
You have so much to give Bid...it would be nice to see you enjoy the benefits of what you give so easily to others....
Hugs to you....
mjd - I have expirienced some healing. I didn't expect him to apologize, but I did feel the need to express my feelings to Mr. Eckstein. Where I once saw the boogeyman, I now see him for what he really is.
Skippymom - I decided to write to Mr. Eckstein because a recent event triggered my nightmares again. That is what I have been dealing with. I have had nightmares about that night for over 20 years, and I needed to find a way to heal. This was the way that I chose to deal with my feelings. It doesn't matter that Mr. Eckstein can't see, or remember the way that things happened...I do, Heather does, and the other people involved all do.
I can assure you, and anyone else reading this, that I had NO idea where Eckstein lived. I had never been in that part of town, and I was still new to Dartmouth. As incredulous as it may seem, it was just a fluke, or fate, or whatever you want to call it.
If I had not stopped that night, Eckstein would have found me another night, and the drama would have still played out.
I can also assure you that at that time in my life, I had not only enough drama, but enough happiness. I was not searching for anything..
What is it that you think I was a willing participant in? Yes, I willingly fought back. The guy came at me with a 2x4 and narrowly missed my head. Yup, I fought back, with all that I was worth. I am surprised that you off all people would think that a person could 'willingly particpate' in an act of violence. Where I came from, we call it defending ourselves.
I am also curious about the 'blatant' signs and symptoms that you see in me?
I can promise you, that aside from my depression, I am very happy with my lot in life. I have a great family, and some of the best friends that anyone could ever hope for. My letter to Mr. Eckstein was for ME, a way for me to deal and heal.
I am curious, about something myself. You don't want anything to do with me, because I have all my kids, right? That's what you said. You treated me like shit after I had done my best to be a good friend to you. I hold no grudge, because I know that you are dealing with a lot of your own 'stuff.' I do not however, understand why you are here, leaving comments, and pretending that nothing has changed. It has.
I'm sorry to be airing this in my comments section. I have not emailed you, or commented on your blog. Please extend me the same courtesy.
Thank you.
That was supposed to be an apology? The wacko is essentially blaming you for his attack on you! He's obviously nuts, perhaps a delusional paranoidm was and still is. And dangerous. Jees.
Bid I would email you if I thought it would make a difference, but my comment was meant as support, not to bring you down. I was trying to help. Maybe you will see that one day...I don't know.
I wish you the best Biddie. Please be healthy, love Shaun and hug the girls for me.
Sorry if I let you down.
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