Today is a big day. Today my eldest daughter graduates from high school. I have so many conflicting feeling about this.
My 1st daughter was born before I turned 19. I was a highschool drop out, living with my then boyfriend, also a drop out. It was a less than ideal start, to say the least. I had dreams of becoming a journalist, or a nurse, or .... It didn't matter then. Now I was a Mommy. I always wanted to be a Mommy, too. Just not at 18.
From the very beginning, I knew that I was meant to be a Mom. A wife, not so much, but I loved being a Mom. KC was beautiful, and funny, and oh my GOD, we thought that she was BRILLIANT. We all did, truthfully. (Of course, now that Heidi has her own kids, we've seen True genius. The Boy made an electric guitar out of cardboard. And the Girl? Where do I start?)
I remember KC's 1st day of kindergarten like it was yesterday. I can tell you what she wore, how she smiled, they way that my Dad and I cried as she made her way into the classroom. She was independant from the moment she could walk, talk, get around on her own. She was a little mother to her 2 younger sisters, teaching them everything that a big sister should. KK followed her everywhere, and J was dubbed 'Our Baby' by a 7 year old KC.
Things have changed. I'm no longer Mommy, I am Mom. I'm not tripping over toys any more, I'm tripping over shoes and school books, and purses littering the living room. The girls argue more now. If I have to hear one more disagreement about that GD hair straightener....KC is in college, working part time, and spending more time at parties then at home.
I know that this is normal, and I welcome her journey into adulthood. I do. It just seems as though every step forward is another step away from me. I want her to be happy, and successful, and to have her own life. I just miss the little girl that made me into a full fledged grown up. I miss the kid that would smile through her missing front teeth, laughing like mad at something that her baby sister had done. I miss Hallowe'en parties and birthday parties with 20 screaming kids. I miss barbie dolls and cartoons...(Ok, we still watch cartoons, but it's not the same).
I guess that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that we will drift apart, the way that I did from both of my mothers. I'm afraid of my kid getting kicked around by life and not being able to fix it for her.
So, tonight we go to see her get her diploma, the 1st of my girls to graduate from high school. Tonight I wll cry, and rejoice, and feel an overwhelming sense of pride. Tonight, my daughter will once again help me in my journey. Hubby and I will become parents of a Graduate. Life will be different for everyone. I don't know what will happen on her journey. I just hope that we have prepared her for everything that lies ahead . I hope that someday she has a daughter that changes her life, to make it better, enhance it, to complete it. The same way that she did for me.
23 comments:
gorgeous...
Thanx, Dilling, but it was more of a...lament? A big run on thought? But thank you. Today is such a momentous event...the biggest day of her life so far. Scary.
It may be like a lament, but I still can read how proud you are. You should also be proud of yourself. You have done a good job with these girls.
camie vog - I am proud, for so many reasons. There were many people that didn't believe in me. Too many. People that were in my family. I swear, they're pissed 'cause I DIDN'T fail. She's a good kid, a high school grad, a college student. Couldn't ask for much more.
If she didn't want to move on and be independent, THEN you've done something wrong. The fact that she is moving forward is a testament to how well adjusted she is. I do bet it's hard to let go. Thank god I still have a few years of "mommy" left :)
nonny - I know that you're right. I do. It just sucks in so many ways....
Cut those apron strings and let 'em fly. What a beautiful story and thanks for sharing it.
Congratulations. You can give yourself a big pat on the back for your parenting achievments. A fantastic post!
That was so beautiful. You are officially the first person to make me cry today...and now it just hit me that I'm going to cry my eyes out tonight!
People, everything she says is true. Her kids are amazing. All three of them. It takes a good woman to raise three awesome kids like that.
You and the Large Man have every reason to be proud. Love ya and see you soon.
Biddie - what a wonderful tribute you write to KC. Isn't it interesting how having a baby can push a woman the rest of the way into adulthood? It happened to me too! We are the lucky ones! We are young enough to enjoy them when they are grown up too! And young enough to remember what it is like to be that age. Lucky, lucky!
Obviously you have done lots of things right. What a moment. I think a pat on both backs is in order. She'll do fine at school. The hardest part is sitting back and letting her make some mistakes so she can grow. But you have raised her right and she'll do the right thing.
Kudos to you and your family. 1 down, 2 to go?
What an incredibly beautiful post. The years fly by - treasure every moment, and I think you are. Your pride, your grief at your childen growing and someday leaving, your love, your enjoyment of your children is flowing through your writing. Watching children grow to their 20's is a bittersweet experience. May you continue close to all of them, and may they bless you with their successes and gorgeous grandchildren when the time comes.
Ha! I looked super hot toniite. Showed up all those other graduates. They have nothing on me. And last time I still checked, I still call you mommy.
swampwitch- I don't know about cutting the apron strings, but I am to loosen them!
tod - Not bad for a teenage mom from small town Canada! I am just so proud of her!
heidi - We did it! You have been there for every moment, good and bad. And we didn't cry our eyes out!
cindydianne - You're right! Still young enough to remember, and to enjoy them. NOT old enough to be grandma's, though. We truly are lucky...
dj andi - So right. It is hard to sit back and watch her make mistakes. The worst part, too. 2 to go....
diana- Thank you for your praise. This truly is a bitter sweet moment..time does fly, it's true. Where does it go?
KC - Yes, you looked super hot. LOVED the shoes. I am SOO proud. You only call me Mommy when you want something or you're sick.....
Last comment was me....Darn kid messing with my blog...
That was beautiful! My mom had me at 18 and then was divorced by 29. I think she could totally relate to your post... I could hear her talking to me. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Your daughters are SO lucky to have you!
You won't grow apart babe. Trust me, I know, I'm from Oldham.
Congrats on the diploma n all. Smart girl like her mommy
fantastic post and well done to you as a great parent and congrats to KC, its great being a parent eh and our kids do make us proud
gonna cry again!!!!
marni - I don't know if my kids feel lucky to have me, but sure am lucky to have them! I have been married/divorced 2x, so they have been through the wringer,too. Good kids....
4D - If you say so! I suppose that she is smart like her mommy, it couldn't be from the other 1/2. If he were smart he would've been at the grad,too.
her indoors - being a parent is the best job that I have ever had..apart from the long hours, crappy pay.....but they do make us proud, don't they?
heidi - STOP reading this!!!! No more crying!!! We made it through the grad with no tears.well, actually, the denim tear-aways had KK crying...
the girl - Sorry! It is sad the way that the relationship changes. It is nice, too. I am trying to remember to appreciate my girls at every age...
The grad was wonderful, and I didn't cry my eyes out. I tried like heck to hold it in, I was afraid to start knowing that I wouldn't be able to stop!
I still can't believe that she's finished high school...
You know what? Please keep writing. You're so much better than you give yourself credit for. I wanna be the president of your fan club.
Heidi - You ARE the fan club! What would I do without you? seriously...
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