I've been feeling pretty down lately. When I'm low like this, I can't concentrate, focus, or think straight. My thoughts race, along with my heart. I have been off of my medication for a very long time, so my days of functioning as a 'normal' person are few and far between. I am always tired, I could sleep for 18 hours and still not feel rested.
My thereapist says that I may need a hospital visit to get back on track. No thank you. I've already been to the booby hatch, and let me tell you, it is not as much fun as advertised. There were honest to goodness CRAZY people there. Really. There was a guy there that thought that he was a prophet sent by God. Then I thought, 'maybe he is....' God has sent us messengers before. Then I thought ' OHMYGOD!!!! I really AM crazy!!!! Only a crazy person would believe that.
There are no locks on your doors. Not on your bedroom door, or the bathroom doors, or on your closet. My curtains were nailed on. My shower didn't have a head on it, just a pipe sticking out of the wall. My mirror was a piece of polished steel. The nurses took away my plastic disposable razor.
I was treated like an inmate,nobody even looked me in the eyes. I saw the Prophet wrestled to the floor, stripped, and tied to his bed. He had a pencil. I guess that he needed one. God was giving him instuctions, and he just wanted to remember them all. The worst part is, my 16 year old daughter witnessed it. The whole thing. I met a woman named MiMi. She was interesting . She was sooo happy with her life that she stripped naked in the parking lot of a local drugstore, and danced under the stars. True story.
So you can see why I'm in no hurry to return. I can't cope, but the alternative is.... no alternative,really. I don't know what to do.
My family needs me here, even if I am just a shadow of my former self. I don't know if I can go back to that place. Maybe the voices in my head will convince me......Until then I guess that i'll just muddle through. At least I'm not dancing naked under the stars......
Monday, July 31, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Honeymoon Really IS over
I remember it well. I don't remember WHY he hit me, or what the arguement was about. I do remember packing up my little girl and walking to the nearest payphone. The problem was that I didn't really have anyone to call. I couldn't tell my parents, I was too ashamed. TMOC was too far away,and besides, if he knew, he would've killed Randi. Thumped him out, at the very least. None of my friends were in any position to help me. I had no money, Randi made sure of that.
We went back.
Things went down hill from there. I got a job, at Randi's insistence, and had to leave my 18 month old daughter with a sitter. Randi told me to get a job so that I would have my 'own' money. My sitter made more than me, and whatever was left, Randi took, supposedly to pay bills. I was working full time, and still doing everything at home. While I cooked, cleaned, and bathed K.C.,Randi relaxed after his "hard day". I, meanwhile, rode my bike to work, then spent 9 hours on my feet all day working a crappy factory job. It came to a crashing halt after a few weeks when I came home early one day and heard the sitter( my friend since we were 4 and 6 ), hitting and cursing at my baby.
Things were not great at home, but I told no one. I never had money, and had to ask if I wanted to go somewhere. I desperately wanted out, but I had no cash, no job skills, no place to hide. I can remember the police being called to our apartment on more than one occassion. I always put on a brave face,insisted that everything was fine, thanks for stopping by.
It was Christmas time before I suspected that I was pregnant again. I remember telling my best friends on New Years eve. Yup, I'm having a baby, and it's going to be a boy. I wanted this baby so badly, more than anything. not to make things right with Randi and I, but because he was MINE. That baby was loved, by me, from the moment the he was concieved. Randi, of course, was less than impressed.
The fighting was getting worse, and by this time, Randi was cheating on me, and not even bothering to hide it. It seemed as though I was constantly pissing him off. I actually babysat for the girl that he was screwing. I look back and can't believe it my self
I had a preminition about the baby. I dreamed that he was still born. The next day, February 4th, 1990, seemed the same as every other day. Randi and I were fighting, about....something. Same as always. The unbelievable part is what happened next. I should have left the apartment,or taken K.C. and locked ourselves in the bedroom. I didn't do either one of those things. Randi had hit me before,but I WAS PREGNANT. I never in a million years expected what happened next. Randi was sitting in a chair, screaming and freaking out. Instead of walking away, I went to him, stood in front of him, asked him' WHAT is your problem'? I can still see it when I close my eyes, in slow - mo. The kick, aimed right at my belly.
The next 24 hours or so are mostly a blur. There was a procedure, some complications,because I was nearly 7 months along. The doctor wanted me to stay in the hospital for a few days, maybe a week. I couldn't. How could I leave my baby alone with him? Nobody spoke directly to me, but instead every piece of imformation was gleamed from conversations about me. It was a boy. He was perfect - or would have been. We could go ahead and try to have another baby in 3 months.
I told no one, not a soul, about the abuse, even after all of this.
The doctors released me, against medical advice, within 24 hours. I was to be on bed rest for at least a week, no lifting for 6 weeks. My 1st day home, Randi informed that I was babysitting the very next day. Nobody gets a free ride. That was the end of my bed rest.
Randi refuses to acknowledge that there ever was a baby, to this very day. There was. His Mommy loved him . Alot. His name was Shane.
We went back.
Things went down hill from there. I got a job, at Randi's insistence, and had to leave my 18 month old daughter with a sitter. Randi told me to get a job so that I would have my 'own' money. My sitter made more than me, and whatever was left, Randi took, supposedly to pay bills. I was working full time, and still doing everything at home. While I cooked, cleaned, and bathed K.C.,Randi relaxed after his "hard day". I, meanwhile, rode my bike to work, then spent 9 hours on my feet all day working a crappy factory job. It came to a crashing halt after a few weeks when I came home early one day and heard the sitter( my friend since we were 4 and 6 ), hitting and cursing at my baby.
Things were not great at home, but I told no one. I never had money, and had to ask if I wanted to go somewhere. I desperately wanted out, but I had no cash, no job skills, no place to hide. I can remember the police being called to our apartment on more than one occassion. I always put on a brave face,insisted that everything was fine, thanks for stopping by.
It was Christmas time before I suspected that I was pregnant again. I remember telling my best friends on New Years eve. Yup, I'm having a baby, and it's going to be a boy. I wanted this baby so badly, more than anything. not to make things right with Randi and I, but because he was MINE. That baby was loved, by me, from the moment the he was concieved. Randi, of course, was less than impressed.
The fighting was getting worse, and by this time, Randi was cheating on me, and not even bothering to hide it. It seemed as though I was constantly pissing him off. I actually babysat for the girl that he was screwing. I look back and can't believe it my self
I had a preminition about the baby. I dreamed that he was still born. The next day, February 4th, 1990, seemed the same as every other day. Randi and I were fighting, about....something. Same as always. The unbelievable part is what happened next. I should have left the apartment,or taken K.C. and locked ourselves in the bedroom. I didn't do either one of those things. Randi had hit me before,but I WAS PREGNANT. I never in a million years expected what happened next. Randi was sitting in a chair, screaming and freaking out. Instead of walking away, I went to him, stood in front of him, asked him' WHAT is your problem'? I can still see it when I close my eyes, in slow - mo. The kick, aimed right at my belly.
The next 24 hours or so are mostly a blur. There was a procedure, some complications,because I was nearly 7 months along. The doctor wanted me to stay in the hospital for a few days, maybe a week. I couldn't. How could I leave my baby alone with him? Nobody spoke directly to me, but instead every piece of imformation was gleamed from conversations about me. It was a boy. He was perfect - or would have been. We could go ahead and try to have another baby in 3 months.
I told no one, not a soul, about the abuse, even after all of this.
The doctors released me, against medical advice, within 24 hours. I was to be on bed rest for at least a week, no lifting for 6 weeks. My 1st day home, Randi informed that I was babysitting the very next day. Nobody gets a free ride. That was the end of my bed rest.
Randi refuses to acknowledge that there ever was a baby, to this very day. There was. His Mommy loved him . Alot. His name was Shane.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Smile............
Keanu Reeves - need I say more?
My kids having a water fight
James Marsters as Spike
Friday, July 21, 2006
I'm feeling rather 'blue' today, my mood is definetely depressive, no manic in the forecast.
There's a ton of crap in my life right now, and in the lives of those that I love. I had a very long late night phone call from Lucky last night. Too much shit in her life. There's nothing that I can do to change any of it, so I'm listening to some of my all time favourite music. Maybe I can't solve the problems of the world, but I can dance!!!! Sorry about Time After Time posting , well time after time. I didn't double or triple cluck ( this time ) just having great difficulty functioning today. Enjoy the music.
There's a ton of crap in my life right now, and in the lives of those that I love. I had a very long late night phone call from Lucky last night. Too much shit in her life. There's nothing that I can do to change any of it, so I'm listening to some of my all time favourite music. Maybe I can't solve the problems of the world, but I can dance!!!! Sorry about Time After Time posting , well time after time. I didn't double or triple cluck ( this time ) just having great difficulty functioning today. Enjoy the music.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I DO?
It didn't take long for the questions to start after K.C. was born. You know the one - when are you getting married? It did seem like the natural progression of things. Well the NATURAL progression would have been wedding then baby, but you get what I'm saying.
I was only going to be 20, and I knew that I didn't love Randi enough to spend the rest of my life with him, but I felt...pressured, like I had no other options. Randi wasn't very nice to me most of the time. He called me fat, he went out with his buddies but not with me. He spent most of his spare time away fromus, his little family. I don't exactly why I agreed to marry him. Maybe I felt like I owed it to our daughter to make it work. Maybe there was so much pressure on me to do the right thing. Maybe, I didn't know what else to do.
We set a date for August 5th, 1989. The planning was more tedious than fun. Randi's mom was more concerned with the menu than anything else. My parents gave me a play-by-play of every detail. My Dad and Mom were paying for the meal and the drinks at their house afterwards. Every conversation with my Dad opened with a dollar amount. I wanted to scream "I don't want to marry Randi" at the top of my lungs. I wanted to run away,I wanted my Dad to make everything better. I knew that he was only Mr. Right Now, but I was too young and immature to put a stop to the madness.
So, on August 5th, 1989, I became Mrs.Randi.
I cried as I walked down the aisle. I heard whispers of 'that's so beautiful'. If only they knew the truth. I was crying because I knew that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
We didn't really have a honeymoon. We went to a little motel near my hometown.I had never been to one before. I don't think that we even made love ( loose term ) that night, because Randi was too drunk. Maybe
if I had been drinking things would have been different.
We were only married one week the first time that he hit me.
Yup. The honeymoon was over.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Things that Make you Go Hmmm.................
Thursday, July 13, 2006
And Baby Makes Three....
I was barely 18, and about to be a mom. This wasn't the way that I had planned it all. I was working most evenings and weekends for a catering company,and looking for a new place to ,live since TMOC and Amazon were now in Toronto.
I didn't have to break the news to my Dad because my (step)mom worked in the lab at the hospital where the test was done. My Dad actually phoned me and broke the news to me. Unconventional, I know. I nearly fainted, I had to sit down. Fast.
My parents were less than impressed but Randi's were a different story altogether.Randi was the youngest child and the only boy in a family of 5 kids. His mom and dad were German, and very old fashioned. His mother flipped. She lost her mind. I remember getting chased away from his house by his mom who was swatting me with a broom and screaming obsenities at me in German. True story.
I didn't for one minute consider adoption or abortion. Never. Some of my relatives would bring up the subject of adoption,but I didn't want to hear it. This baby was mine, my responsibility, and I was going to raise her.
That established, I had a few minor problems. Like shelter. I couldn't work at my job any more, either. There was the little matter of a curfew imposed upon me by the courts.A few weeks before my 18th birthday, I had stolen 3 bottles of beer out of the back of a truck. Long story short, 9 months of probation. This was a bit of thorn in my side. I had to have an acceptable place to live, and needed to be in by 10:00pm every night.
My parents didn't want me in our small town, and Randi's....I couldn't even go near his house for months.I had no options left, so I went to a home for pregnant girls.Oh joy. That experience is a whole other story. My room mate was a 15 year old girl ( also from my home town ) that played wedding music until she fell asleep EVERY night. I became her unofficial big sister. Lori was a sweet kid, but I didn't want a roommate, or rules, or structure of any kind. I actually got caught trying to climb out of my 2nd story window one night after lights out. Can't remember where I was going, but it must have been somewhere important.
As time went on, things got a little better with Randi's family. I was invited to Christmas that year. My parents didn't invite Randi. Everyone got me baby clothes, but no one talked about the baby. It was too weird.
By March 1988, we had our 1st place. it was the top floor of an otherwise empty house. The kitchen was nothing more than a long hallway. To open the fridge, you had to be standing beside it, and reach in just so. the only window in the bathroom was in the shower. The other 2 rooms served as a bedroom and a living room. We moved in with maybe 5 or 6 boxes and the place was packed. The summer was brutal, it was like sleeping in a sauna. The rent was $300, our price range.
We were living there less than a week when my water broke. It was about 7 in the morning, and I had been up all night watching a cheesey movie. I woke up Randi, who immeadiately FREAKED out. I was pretty calm about the whole thing. I had a shower, shaved my legs, and had a pb&j sandwich. When I was good and ready, we left for the hospital.
His parents were there, and mine, and my sister, Posh. Twelve hours later, and nothing was happening. No labour, no baby, nothing. I had a c- section and at about 10:00 that night we welcmed our baby girl into the world.
She was perfect, with a patch of black hair and brown eyes, I don't even remember her crying. Honestly though, I remember very little. I had to be sedated and was out like a light when my 1st daughter was born. Actually, I slept through all of my girls births.
I looked at my Dad as he held my new baby, and at the people around me. Randi's mom and dad, Posh, my mom, Randi. Everything seemed right. I knew that we would make it. It didn't matter that Randi was selfish, or that he sometimes called me fat and lazy. So what if I hadn't finished highschool.We were a family, and I knew that we would be forever.Against all odds.
Enough Already
I have just spent another sleepless night tossing and turning in my bed. I have a feeling that K.C. didn't sleep much, either.
K.C. has a tough decision to make. I could make it for her, but this is one that she needs to make for herself. If you read my rant the other day, you know that we spent the better part of the day in court. What I didn't tell you was that we have at least 12 more hours of testimony and court time left. That's a low estimate. GotNo is calling his own witnesses, and K.C. hasn't called hers yet. GotNo's "legal advisement" spent about an hour grilling Kristy, and he told the Crown Attorney that he is only half way through. That means that this whole stupid mess will drag on into August, and maybe even into September.
The Crown Attorney spoke with GotNo about a program that would take him ( and K.C. ) out of the court room and into a less formal forum, where they could resolve their issues. GotNo is mad at ME, so he won't do it. His motivation is anger,not seeking justice, or finding the truth. I wonder if this travesty will ever end.
K.C. wants to drop the case. She doesn't want to miss work, or spend her summer in court. She is not sleeping, the stress and anger is beginning to affect her physically.
I'm angry with my self, for encouraging her to solve this through the legal venue. It's a sham. This drug dealer is still a part of our lives. I want this to be over, finito, done. K.C. could drop the case.It is an option. The problem is, that if she does, the next time that he tries to hit her with his car, or follows her around town or threatens to kill her,will she be taken seriously? Will the powers that be look at her as trouble maker, someone who can't follow through? What message will this send to GotNo? He will continue his destuctive ways,and who knows who will be next?
As a mom, I want to keep my kids safe. We as parents strive to protect our kids from any harm. I don't know what to tell my daughter. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like the legal system is allowing GotNo to continue with his bullshit, and on their dime. Why are they allowing this to continue after he admitted to dealing drugs, told the Crown that he hates me, and therefore will not agree to mediation? At what point does the Judge think that we have enough evidence?
I wish that I had the answer. I wish that I could protect my daughter from this bottom feeding, drug dealing, crazy man. I wish that the court system didn't make people feel victimized twice. The truth is, I don't have the answer. I can't protect my kids, and, the whole damn court system is a Mickey mouse affair.
I can't help my daughter to make the right choice. The choice is hers alone.
K.C. has a tough decision to make. I could make it for her, but this is one that she needs to make for herself. If you read my rant the other day, you know that we spent the better part of the day in court. What I didn't tell you was that we have at least 12 more hours of testimony and court time left. That's a low estimate. GotNo is calling his own witnesses, and K.C. hasn't called hers yet. GotNo's "legal advisement" spent about an hour grilling Kristy, and he told the Crown Attorney that he is only half way through. That means that this whole stupid mess will drag on into August, and maybe even into September.
The Crown Attorney spoke with GotNo about a program that would take him ( and K.C. ) out of the court room and into a less formal forum, where they could resolve their issues. GotNo is mad at ME, so he won't do it. His motivation is anger,not seeking justice, or finding the truth. I wonder if this travesty will ever end.
K.C. wants to drop the case. She doesn't want to miss work, or spend her summer in court. She is not sleeping, the stress and anger is beginning to affect her physically.
I'm angry with my self, for encouraging her to solve this through the legal venue. It's a sham. This drug dealer is still a part of our lives. I want this to be over, finito, done. K.C. could drop the case.It is an option. The problem is, that if she does, the next time that he tries to hit her with his car, or follows her around town or threatens to kill her,will she be taken seriously? Will the powers that be look at her as trouble maker, someone who can't follow through? What message will this send to GotNo? He will continue his destuctive ways,and who knows who will be next?
As a mom, I want to keep my kids safe. We as parents strive to protect our kids from any harm. I don't know what to tell my daughter. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like the legal system is allowing GotNo to continue with his bullshit, and on their dime. Why are they allowing this to continue after he admitted to dealing drugs, told the Crown that he hates me, and therefore will not agree to mediation? At what point does the Judge think that we have enough evidence?
I wish that I had the answer. I wish that I could protect my daughter from this bottom feeding, drug dealing, crazy man. I wish that the court system didn't make people feel victimized twice. The truth is, I don't have the answer. I can't protect my kids, and, the whole damn court system is a Mickey mouse affair.
I can't help my daughter to make the right choice. The choice is hers alone.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
1987
I enrolled in school shortly after my return to Ontario. I started grade 11 on January 31,1987. It was much different than the junior high that I had last attended, and much larger than my highschool in my little home town. Things were changing, too fast for me to keep up with. I was now in the city with TMOC,many miles away from Dartmouth.
I was scared as hell that 1st day, but I didn't see any way out of it. It was just something that had to be done, no way around it. I was taking math, science, english and business. I was in a sea of strange faces,and it felt like I was drowning. I was praying for a miracle when I got one.
English class, roll call. Mr.V, our teacher,called out a familiar name. It couldn't be,could it? There in the back row, closet to the window, sat JETHRO!
I had my miracle!
Jethro and I wwere from the same town, along with Heidi ( aka Hickchic ).It wasn't long before we were all spending time together, cutting classes, and hanging out in Jethro's car. Those few months were heavenly in so many ways. Life with TMOC and Amazon wasn't always great, but we did have some good times. TMOC was 21, Amazon was 19 and I was 17. life had so many possibilities back then,nothing seemed impossible.
I was committed to starting over, getting my life back on track, being , as my dad put it,"a productive memeber of society".
That was the plan, anyway.
The plan got side tracked when I met Randi.
Randi and I were introduced by mutal friends that thought we would good together. I thought that he was kinda cute, funny, and he seemed sweet. It wasn't long before we were an item,completely inseperable. We were kids, and we thought that that we weree in love.
On week after my 18th birthday,4 months into our budding relationship, I got news that would change my life forever.
I was pregnant.
I was scared as hell that 1st day, but I didn't see any way out of it. It was just something that had to be done, no way around it. I was taking math, science, english and business. I was in a sea of strange faces,and it felt like I was drowning. I was praying for a miracle when I got one.
English class, roll call. Mr.V, our teacher,called out a familiar name. It couldn't be,could it? There in the back row, closet to the window, sat JETHRO!
I had my miracle!
Jethro and I wwere from the same town, along with Heidi ( aka Hickchic ).It wasn't long before we were all spending time together, cutting classes, and hanging out in Jethro's car. Those few months were heavenly in so many ways. Life with TMOC and Amazon wasn't always great, but we did have some good times. TMOC was 21, Amazon was 19 and I was 17. life had so many possibilities back then,nothing seemed impossible.
I was committed to starting over, getting my life back on track, being , as my dad put it,"a productive memeber of society".
That was the plan, anyway.
The plan got side tracked when I met Randi.
Randi and I were introduced by mutal friends that thought we would good together. I thought that he was kinda cute, funny, and he seemed sweet. It wasn't long before we were an item,completely inseperable. We were kids, and we thought that that we weree in love.
On week after my 18th birthday,4 months into our budding relationship, I got news that would change my life forever.
I was pregnant.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Rantings of an Angry Mom
Today was hell. My 2 eldest girls and I had to go to court. K.C. is seeking a peace bond against GotNo, the drug dealing ex-neighbour that made our lives a living nightmare. He woke us up at all hours,threatened my kids (even the 10 year old), slashed our tires,and pushed drugs on my kids.
We arrived at 11:30 am, and didn't get out of there until 5:30pm. His rights are more protected than K.C.'s, we found out the hard way. While we had to disclose all of our evidence, he had the right to remain silent - this means that he doesn't have to share HIS with us. His agent is his dad, the same guy that 2 weeks ago tried to imtimidate us at the court house. He asked personal questions - 'why does your mom live with S if they aren't married'? ( meanwhile, GotNo is shacked up with his woman ). None of it makes any sense to me. My daughter felt like she had been assaulted, and GotNo left the court house smiling. The same landlord that told us that he couldn't help us in anyway because he hasn't witnessed any events himself, was at the court house today to testify against us. More accurately, against my daughter. So was the no account woman with 5 - FIVE - kids that K.C. babysat for free. She is still angry with K.C. for not watching her kids on New Years.
It seems to me that this is more about a popularity contest than actual justice. All my girl wants is some peace of mind. GotNo says that he is harmless, yet he asked the court more than once for our new address. He is a confessed drug trafficer. What more does it take? I'm afraid that one of my kids will be hurt, or worse. He has made threats. But HEY, I understand.
He's got his rights.
We arrived at 11:30 am, and didn't get out of there until 5:30pm. His rights are more protected than K.C.'s, we found out the hard way. While we had to disclose all of our evidence, he had the right to remain silent - this means that he doesn't have to share HIS with us. His agent is his dad, the same guy that 2 weeks ago tried to imtimidate us at the court house. He asked personal questions - 'why does your mom live with S if they aren't married'? ( meanwhile, GotNo is shacked up with his woman ). None of it makes any sense to me. My daughter felt like she had been assaulted, and GotNo left the court house smiling. The same landlord that told us that he couldn't help us in anyway because he hasn't witnessed any events himself, was at the court house today to testify against us. More accurately, against my daughter. So was the no account woman with 5 - FIVE - kids that K.C. babysat for free. She is still angry with K.C. for not watching her kids on New Years.
It seems to me that this is more about a popularity contest than actual justice. All my girl wants is some peace of mind. GotNo says that he is harmless, yet he asked the court more than once for our new address. He is a confessed drug trafficer. What more does it take? I'm afraid that one of my kids will be hurt, or worse. He has made threats. But HEY, I understand.
He's got his rights.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Decisions, Decisions
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about life, family, stuff.
My oldest daughter is preparing for college in September. She's not moving away,she's staying at home. I have mixed feelings about this. I am SO not ready for my baby to move away, but will I ever be? Am I doing her a dis-service by not insisting that she live on campus.
My sister, Lucky, also has a daughter going to college. Her baby, however is going to live on campus, more than an hour away. Lucky thinks that this is something that every young person Must do.
My other sister,Posh,( not as in Spice ),wants me to call her. That wouldn't be such a big deal, except that we haven't spoken in ...17 months. This was her decision and I knew that she would have some sort of guilt or remorseful feelings at some time. Why now? Do I have to forgive her? If so, then how many times do I have to forgive? I am not without fault, but explusion from the family seems a little extreme, especially when the infraction may not have been committed by me. I'm just so tired of being the one to say'sorry',the person to reach out. It's hard, and it hurts like hell when your hand is slapped away.
Tomorrow will be 7 years since my Dad died. I know that he would be heart broken by what's happening with his family. But, the truth is, my Dad is gone, and living life the way that he wanted me to just isn't working. He would've put an end to this nonsense a long time ago.....
These are some of the things that have been keeping me up at night. I just can't seem to turn it off.
Tomorrow my 2 eldest girls nad I are going to court seeking a peacebond against GotNO. ( Got no job, got no prospects ). This has K.C. freaking out, and I don't really blame her. We are having a trial tomorrow, and the anxiety is just about killing me. I guess that I need to keep in mind that this is normal. Anybody would be stressed at the thought. This is way different than freaking out because you have to take the bus alone.
My life is otherwise great. 3 awesome kids,my Hubby, our little house. I guess that whether or not Posh and I speak again, or GotNo gets away with his crap, or K.C. leaves for college, I'll muddle through. I always do.
My oldest daughter is preparing for college in September. She's not moving away,she's staying at home. I have mixed feelings about this. I am SO not ready for my baby to move away, but will I ever be? Am I doing her a dis-service by not insisting that she live on campus.
My sister, Lucky, also has a daughter going to college. Her baby, however is going to live on campus, more than an hour away. Lucky thinks that this is something that every young person Must do.
My other sister,Posh,( not as in Spice ),wants me to call her. That wouldn't be such a big deal, except that we haven't spoken in ...17 months. This was her decision and I knew that she would have some sort of guilt or remorseful feelings at some time. Why now? Do I have to forgive her? If so, then how many times do I have to forgive? I am not without fault, but explusion from the family seems a little extreme, especially when the infraction may not have been committed by me. I'm just so tired of being the one to say'sorry',the person to reach out. It's hard, and it hurts like hell when your hand is slapped away.
Tomorrow will be 7 years since my Dad died. I know that he would be heart broken by what's happening with his family. But, the truth is, my Dad is gone, and living life the way that he wanted me to just isn't working. He would've put an end to this nonsense a long time ago.....
These are some of the things that have been keeping me up at night. I just can't seem to turn it off.
Tomorrow my 2 eldest girls nad I are going to court seeking a peacebond against GotNO. ( Got no job, got no prospects ). This has K.C. freaking out, and I don't really blame her. We are having a trial tomorrow, and the anxiety is just about killing me. I guess that I need to keep in mind that this is normal. Anybody would be stressed at the thought. This is way different than freaking out because you have to take the bus alone.
My life is otherwise great. 3 awesome kids,my Hubby, our little house. I guess that whether or not Posh and I speak again, or GotNo gets away with his crap, or K.C. leaves for college, I'll muddle through. I always do.
Starting Over, Again
My trip home took 27 1/2 hours.We had a stop over in Montreal, and I felt very grown up, travelling and seeing the sights on my own.27+ hours gives you a lot of time to think.
I had been gone for over a year.That's a long time. Things can change in a year. People can change. Would everyone and everything in my small town be the same? Would my family and friends rejoice in my return? In my mind I saw ticker tape parades and loved ones waving banners at the train station. I would be like the prodigal son returning home,triumphant.
Yeah.
I was met at the train station by my Dad. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him standing there.I had hoped for some dad/daughter time, but it didn't exactly go down like that. His best bud was there, too, and dominated most of the conversation on the way home. Oh well. At least it was a ride.
Coming home wasn't much better. My room had been taken over by my little sister. I slept in the basement. It felt like any trace of me had been wiped away from the family home. My 2 brothers barely noticed me, and, I thought, may not have even realized that I was ever gone. Nice.
When I finally did get sometime alone with my Dad,it was to lecture me. He felt that I was "partying my life away" in Nova scotia, instead of going to school. What? I had 3 jobs waiting for me back east.
My oldest brother, TMOC,stuck a deal with my Dad. I was going to move in with him and his amazonian gal-pal,and go to school. My Dad would pay my rent, and I would pay for my own expenses.
I had even more to think about now.Back in N.S,I had a life. MY life,friends, a new family. In Ontario I had family, roots, my history. I loved my life in Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia had been good to me. In Nova Scotia, I had Blaine.
Ohgodohgod....I was scared as hell,I didn't want to make anymore life altering decisions on my own. I was 17 for crying out loud. 17......
The choice was clear to me. For better or worse, I would be staying. I needed my family,a real home,I needed to graduate highschool. This was a 2nd chance for me, and I wasn't going to blow it.
I had been gone for over a year.That's a long time. Things can change in a year. People can change. Would everyone and everything in my small town be the same? Would my family and friends rejoice in my return? In my mind I saw ticker tape parades and loved ones waving banners at the train station. I would be like the prodigal son returning home,triumphant.
Yeah.
I was met at the train station by my Dad. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him standing there.I had hoped for some dad/daughter time, but it didn't exactly go down like that. His best bud was there, too, and dominated most of the conversation on the way home. Oh well. At least it was a ride.
Coming home wasn't much better. My room had been taken over by my little sister. I slept in the basement. It felt like any trace of me had been wiped away from the family home. My 2 brothers barely noticed me, and, I thought, may not have even realized that I was ever gone. Nice.
When I finally did get sometime alone with my Dad,it was to lecture me. He felt that I was "partying my life away" in Nova scotia, instead of going to school. What? I had 3 jobs waiting for me back east.
My oldest brother, TMOC,stuck a deal with my Dad. I was going to move in with him and his amazonian gal-pal,and go to school. My Dad would pay my rent, and I would pay for my own expenses.
I had even more to think about now.Back in N.S,I had a life. MY life,friends, a new family. In Ontario I had family, roots, my history. I loved my life in Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia had been good to me. In Nova Scotia, I had Blaine.
Ohgodohgod....I was scared as hell,I didn't want to make anymore life altering decisions on my own. I was 17 for crying out loud. 17......
The choice was clear to me. For better or worse, I would be staying. I needed my family,a real home,I needed to graduate highschool. This was a 2nd chance for me, and I wasn't going to blow it.
Friday, July 07, 2006
It's a Scary (Blog) World........
I was up late last night,checking out some of the competion - other blogs. There is some seriously weird sh*t out there! I happened upon one that had full frontal nudity. Naked! For everyone to see. I stumbled across another blog,written by someone greiving the loss of a spouse. I'm talking about divorce here, people. My heart when out to this soul,this person who feels so alone. I found a lot of Blogs that are used as a political forum. Boring.
I like to blog because it's anonymous. I can share my deep, dark thoughts,funny and personal stories,and I'm not worried about what anyone else thinks. It's a creative outlet for me,not a chance to speak out against the Politicians, or seal hunters,(barbarians),or post religious views.Who cares about that? I have enough deep thoughts that keep me up at night. So relax,sit back and enjoy the Biddie....
I like to blog because it's anonymous. I can share my deep, dark thoughts,funny and personal stories,and I'm not worried about what anyone else thinks. It's a creative outlet for me,not a chance to speak out against the Politicians, or seal hunters,(barbarians),or post religious views.Who cares about that? I have enough deep thoughts that keep me up at night. So relax,sit back and enjoy the Biddie....
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Hubbys 1st love
It occurred to me this morning that there has been an awful lot written about my 1st love in the past few days.This hardly seems fair to Hubby, who is my forever love. Hubby had a 1st love,too, and it wasn't me.
Her name was Mabeline, and he met her when he was just 15. She was 3 years older than him, but that didn't matter to Hubby. I must admit, Mabeline WAS beautiful.Her curves were enough to catch any man's eye. Hubby and I were together for many months before he introduced me to her. I was in awe of her,no doubt.
Mabeline is gone now,we haven't seen her about 3 years. I wonder if he misses her? Does he think of her when we're together? I guess I'll never know.
Here's to you,Mabeline,wherever you are......
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Flyaway Home
I have the most wonderful memories of my time spent in N.S. The friends that I made were one of a kind. There were so many people from Ellenvale J.H. that made my life bearable.
Heather and I became the best of friends. Heather lived with her mom,sister,brother in law,and baby nephew.I fell in love the baby, and envied her family. I missed my sblings terribly,even though we mostly hated each other.
Life with Betty and Stan had reached a boiling point,culminating in a swift departure of their home. All of my family was in Ontario,I had no where to go.Enter Blaine and family. I hid away at a friends of theirs for a few days. It was like the witness protection program minus the government funding.Without Betty watching over me, I was gloriously FREE.
At the Twins house,there were little or no rules.We moved around alot,and we were often in charge of the 3 younger kids, other than that.....Freedom.
Heather was at our house,or I was at hers. We got into all kinds of trouble, she and I.We used to sit outside on the lawn of one of our classmates, listening to his garage band.They would play Cosmetics by Gowan, and we'd be pretending that it WAS Gowan. We raided gardens at night,stealing the lettuce and cukes to take home for my adopted family. Then there was the "shopping" that we did at night...It usually involved someone's clothesline and one of us jumping like jackrabbits to reach the freshly laundered clothes.Don't hate me. Things were difficult back then.We sometimes went days without a real meal.Heathers mom always had Kraft Dinner for us.She was my saviour.
Blaine and I broke up. Many times.Ohmygod, but I loved him. When I decided to go back to Ontario for a "visit", he asked me not to go.He refused to see me off at the train station on that cold November morning.I'll never forget the way that he looked at me,the lump in my throat,or the pounding of my heart.
"Please,don't go...I love you, I always have."He took my hand,brushed the flyaway hair out of eyes.
"I'll be back.I promise." I was crying now,standing on the front steps of the little house that we had shared.
We weren't even officially back together.I loved him,more than anything or anyone. He was so much more than a boyfriend.Blaine,Shane,Heather,C.J.,they were all a part of me now.They would be, forever.
Besides, I'd be back,wouldn't I?
Heather and I became the best of friends. Heather lived with her mom,sister,brother in law,and baby nephew.I fell in love the baby, and envied her family. I missed my sblings terribly,even though we mostly hated each other.
Life with Betty and Stan had reached a boiling point,culminating in a swift departure of their home. All of my family was in Ontario,I had no where to go.Enter Blaine and family. I hid away at a friends of theirs for a few days. It was like the witness protection program minus the government funding.Without Betty watching over me, I was gloriously FREE.
At the Twins house,there were little or no rules.We moved around alot,and we were often in charge of the 3 younger kids, other than that.....Freedom.
Heather was at our house,or I was at hers. We got into all kinds of trouble, she and I.We used to sit outside on the lawn of one of our classmates, listening to his garage band.They would play Cosmetics by Gowan, and we'd be pretending that it WAS Gowan. We raided gardens at night,stealing the lettuce and cukes to take home for my adopted family. Then there was the "shopping" that we did at night...It usually involved someone's clothesline and one of us jumping like jackrabbits to reach the freshly laundered clothes.Don't hate me. Things were difficult back then.We sometimes went days without a real meal.Heathers mom always had Kraft Dinner for us.She was my saviour.
Blaine and I broke up. Many times.Ohmygod, but I loved him. When I decided to go back to Ontario for a "visit", he asked me not to go.He refused to see me off at the train station on that cold November morning.I'll never forget the way that he looked at me,the lump in my throat,or the pounding of my heart.
"Please,don't go...I love you, I always have."He took my hand,brushed the flyaway hair out of eyes.
"I'll be back.I promise." I was crying now,standing on the front steps of the little house that we had shared.
We weren't even officially back together.I loved him,more than anything or anyone. He was so much more than a boyfriend.Blaine,Shane,Heather,C.J.,they were all a part of me now.They would be, forever.
Besides, I'd be back,wouldn't I?
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Blaine
It really was love at first sight. He was wearing a burgundy sweater (it was the 80's cut him some slack), and the most confused expression on his face. There I was, the girl of his dreams, in his bathroom, naked from the waist down. He must've thought that I was a gift from the heavens above. It was the start of a beautiful friendship.
C.J. dated Shane, and I got my Blaine. We were inseperable. We were BiddienBlaine. He tagged our initials everywhere.
The Twins went to a different school, and I soon realized, were from a whole different world. My Catholic/Lutheran upbringing did not have me prepared for the challenges that I would face dating a J.W. That's Jehovahs Witness for those of you who aren't in the know. Christmas was a mystery to them. They loved coming to my house to watch the twinkling lights, and rattle the gifts under the tree. They were full of questions. Did I get Christmas gifts EVERY year? What kind of gifts did I get? Christmas carols were something that the Twins never had an opportunity to sing ,and with me, in Betty and Stan's livingroom, we belted them out at top of our lungs.
I mulled the idea of buying Blaine a Christmas gift ( his first ever ), and to be honest, I can't remember if I did. What I do remember, is his gift to me. A gold chain.
The only jewelry that I had ever been given before was from my parents. I got jade earrings for my 10th birthday, a ruby ring for my confirmation(I still wear it) and a silver locket on the day my Dad got married. This was different. It was from Blaine.
I don't remember the moment that I realized I loved him. It could have the first time that he kissed me (in C.J.'s basement), or the 1st time that he walked me home in a snowstorm. It could have been when we made love for the 1st time.
I wasn't a virgin,even at 16, but I wished that I was. My experiences up to then had been traumatic, to say the least. I remember it like it was yesterday,even what I was wearing.
I was babysitting, 2 doors down from my house. It was winter late in November, and I was missing my friends back in Ontario. There was a knock at the door, barely audible. The little girl that I was watching squealed in delight when she saw the Twins standing on the doorstep. They both smiled at me with the same loppsided grin.
"Hey" Blaine said,stepping in and kissing me. Shane went directly to the T.V. and put on an old rerun of Night Rider.
Blaine put his arms around me and pulled me in for another kiss. Before I knew it, we were upstairs in the master bedroom. I can still see the tacky wolf throw blanket on the bed. I was wearing my favourite pink and white sweater, a gift the previous year from my aunt. I was so nervous, my breath came in unsteady bursts. Blaine took my hand and we sat on the bed together.
My mind was racing. Can I really do this? What if I throw up? Will he call me tomorrow?
We made love. I had never made love before. It's true, I wasn't a virgin, but that was the 1st time that I ever made love.
And it was wonderful.
C.J. dated Shane, and I got my Blaine. We were inseperable. We were BiddienBlaine. He tagged our initials everywhere.
The Twins went to a different school, and I soon realized, were from a whole different world. My Catholic/Lutheran upbringing did not have me prepared for the challenges that I would face dating a J.W. That's Jehovahs Witness for those of you who aren't in the know. Christmas was a mystery to them. They loved coming to my house to watch the twinkling lights, and rattle the gifts under the tree. They were full of questions. Did I get Christmas gifts EVERY year? What kind of gifts did I get? Christmas carols were something that the Twins never had an opportunity to sing ,and with me, in Betty and Stan's livingroom, we belted them out at top of our lungs.
I mulled the idea of buying Blaine a Christmas gift ( his first ever ), and to be honest, I can't remember if I did. What I do remember, is his gift to me. A gold chain.
The only jewelry that I had ever been given before was from my parents. I got jade earrings for my 10th birthday, a ruby ring for my confirmation(I still wear it) and a silver locket on the day my Dad got married. This was different. It was from Blaine.
I don't remember the moment that I realized I loved him. It could have the first time that he kissed me (in C.J.'s basement), or the 1st time that he walked me home in a snowstorm. It could have been when we made love for the 1st time.
I wasn't a virgin,even at 16, but I wished that I was. My experiences up to then had been traumatic, to say the least. I remember it like it was yesterday,even what I was wearing.
I was babysitting, 2 doors down from my house. It was winter late in November, and I was missing my friends back in Ontario. There was a knock at the door, barely audible. The little girl that I was watching squealed in delight when she saw the Twins standing on the doorstep. They both smiled at me with the same loppsided grin.
"Hey" Blaine said,stepping in and kissing me. Shane went directly to the T.V. and put on an old rerun of Night Rider.
Blaine put his arms around me and pulled me in for another kiss. Before I knew it, we were upstairs in the master bedroom. I can still see the tacky wolf throw blanket on the bed. I was wearing my favourite pink and white sweater, a gift the previous year from my aunt. I was so nervous, my breath came in unsteady bursts. Blaine took my hand and we sat on the bed together.
My mind was racing. Can I really do this? What if I throw up? Will he call me tomorrow?
We made love. I had never made love before. It's true, I wasn't a virgin, but that was the 1st time that I ever made love.
And it was wonderful.
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