Monday, July 31, 2006

Should I Stay, or Should I go ???

I've been feeling pretty down lately. When I'm low like this, I can't concentrate, focus, or think straight. My thoughts race, along with my heart. I have been off of my medication for a very long time, so my days of functioning as a 'normal' person are few and far between. I am always tired, I could sleep for 18 hours and still not feel rested.
My thereapist says that I may need a hospital visit to get back on track. No thank you. I've already been to the booby hatch, and let me tell you, it is not as much fun as advertised. There were honest to goodness CRAZY people there. Really. There was a guy there that thought that he was a prophet sent by God. Then I thought, 'maybe he is....' God has sent us messengers before. Then I thought ' OHMYGOD!!!! I really AM crazy!!!! Only a crazy person would believe that.
There are no locks on your doors. Not on your bedroom door, or the bathroom doors, or on your closet. My curtains were nailed on. My shower didn't have a head on it, just a pipe sticking out of the wall. My mirror was a piece of polished steel. The nurses took away my plastic disposable razor.
I was treated like an inmate,nobody even looked me in the eyes. I saw the Prophet wrestled to the floor, stripped, and tied to his bed. He had a pencil. I guess that he needed one. God was giving him instuctions, and he just wanted to remember them all. The worst part is, my 16 year old daughter witnessed it. The whole thing. I met a woman named MiMi. She was interesting . She was sooo happy with her life that she stripped naked in the parking lot of a local drugstore, and danced under the stars. True story.
So you can see why I'm in no hurry to return. I can't cope, but the alternative is.... no alternative,really. I don't know what to do.
My family needs me here, even if I am just a shadow of my former self. I don't know if I can go back to that place. Maybe the voices in my head will convince me......Until then I guess that i'll just muddle through. At least I'm not dancing naked under the stars......

15 comments:

Topodaworld said...

Hey girl you've been a wonderful encouragement to me! I am doing better, life is getting back to normal again, so now let's talk.

I have wondered the same thing about prophets and people deemed as crazy. Elijah, I think it was, walked naked for a time as a sign to the people that God was judging them, and a lot of other bizarre crap.

So, what were you on medication for, you mentioned voices do you suffer from personality disorders, or is it depression? I was on antidepressants when my first X left, but hated 'em, they numbed me and sex was bad, bad.

I have to tell you, you should research some quantum physics. We set up patterns and rituals in our lives that cause us to remain in our bad patterns.

I am just now busting out and growing, it's really changed my outlook, job performance, optimism, etc. I was constantly plagued by obsessive thought and even that has gotten better.

I hope you have a great day and look forward to chattin' with ya'.

Oh and both my X's were church girls. I believe in God and try to live like Jesus, but I don't put stock in anyone claiming to be a Christian, if they had to tell me to begin with, it must not be all that evident.

PEACE

CindyDianne said...

Howdy. I've been lurking a while. I don't have any sage words of advice. I can't pretend to know what it is like to be that debilitated by depression. I have depression and am, in fact, depressed. But, I am so high functioning, even during my spells, that it takes someone seriously close to me to know. Even then, most don't.

Will you be getting back on your meds?

Life, or Something Like It said...

topadaworld-
I don't have a personality disorder, I suffer from bi polar and anxiety, and obssesive/complusive disorder. I have always been depressed, and like cindydianne, I have learned to hide it well. I just can't hide it anymore. too much work. I have been on and off of meds for most of my life, and have yet to find thr right combination. Plus, since I'm not working, I can't afford my meds.
Too bad about your x's. I agree with you about the self proclaimed Christians. Everyone I ever met that was loud and proud about their Christianity were pretty much full of it.
I found my guy when I stopped looking. He was my next door neighbour. I was ready to join the other team, I was so frusrtated. Lucky for me, it never came to that. I would look awful with a buzz cut!!!

cindydianne- I'm having a hard time with the meds because since I've been unemployed, there is a serious cash flow problem. Of course, I can't work till I get back on my meds....Iam in thereapy, and we're working on this problem. I used to feel better, and go off of my meds, then I'd be back to square one. I know now that I can't do that. I need my meds to function, pretty much on any level.
I can hide my depression pretty well, too. Most of the time. It's so tiring, isn't it? Thanks for lurking.....

CindyDianne said...

Well, that is just a quandry isn't it? The side effects of the meds were always worse for me than anything else. I do better when I eat right and take my vitamins than I do on meds, the ones I have tried anyway. Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand and could just wave away other people's troubles. I would gladly keep my own if I could make other's better.

Life, or Something Like It said...

The side effects of some of my meds were unbearable for me,too. I would feel better but have no libido, or I was tired all of the time, or couldn't sleep at all. On my last round of meds, there were 3 different kinds. I've been on so many that I can't remember them all. I do need my medication,I have come to terms with this. Eating right, vitamins, and exercise all help, but it's hard to do all of that when I can't even get into the shower. I guess that I'm a chicken because I won't go back to the hospital. I just can't face it there again. It is so demoralizing. I wish that I had a magic wand, too. There are other things that I would take care of 1st. My 11 year old has diabetes and we have a hard time managing it. No matter what we do her blood sugar numbers are all over. I would cure cancer, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless. Then maybe, I would do something about my own troubles.
Are you on meds now? Which ones have worked well for you?
The worst part of this is how it affects my family. I could live with this if it didn't have serious side effects for them. Some days I'm barely able to take care of myself, never mind clean the house or cook a meal. I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth, but I am hanging on.....

CindyDianne said...

Keep on hanging on, that is something to be proud of. I have taken Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and others I can't remember. I don't take anything now. I hope I don't have to ever again. But, I will if I must...

Life, or Something Like It said...

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. I hear 'get over it' and 'deal with it' so often. Two weeks after I was released from the hospital,my granny died. My mom chose that moment ( literally,15 minutes after she passed ) to lecture me on growing up. If I were just more mature,more responsible,everything would be fine. Yup. Those were my words of encouragement. The scary part is, she is a medical professional. I wish that I could just shake it off.
I have taken zoloft,too. And immovane,seroquel....can't think of them all. I haven't found the right one for me,yet. I'm not giving up,though. I've got my kids to think about.
Your kind words mean a lot to me...you'll never know how much it means to have someone that understands........Thanx....

Life, or Something Like It said...

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. I hear 'get over it' and 'deal with it' so often. Two weeks after I was released from the hospital,my granny died. My mom chose that moment ( literally,15 minutes after she passed ) to lecture me on growing up. If I were just more mature,more responsible,everything would be fine. Yup. Those were my words of encouragement. The scary part is, she is a medical professional. I wish that I could just shake it off.
I have taken zoloft,too. And immovane,seroquel....can't think of them all. I haven't found the right one for me,yet. I'm not giving up,though. I've got my kids to think about.
Your kind words mean a lot to me...you'll never know how much it means to have someone that understands........Thanx....

dilling said...

Anything I try to write here seems so cliche, ya know? Hang in there, yeah, obviously...get through this any way you can...it's tough, but obviously you are tough, too. You're still here, still fighting and you are AWARE of what is going on, unafraid to put it out there for us, which means we can all be here in whatever capacity for you...and we are!

Life, or Something Like It said...

I am going to cry. My blog buddies are more supportive than my family.....I'll take it where ever and when ever. Thanx.....

Heidi the Hick said...

Okay, when you talk about the Booby Hatch it sounds so much funnier than expected!

Love you girl, you are so much stronger than I am.

Life, or Something Like It said...

Booby Hatch does sound funny. I can laugh about it a little bit now, but then....It was rough time. There's so much more that I could have said, more that I could have gotten into, but I am going for laughs.......

jihadpunk said...

naked under the stars eh? not tried that one before. Dunno what the Mrs'd say though. Probably "Don't bend over you'll cause an eclipse!"

Life, or Something Like It said...

Punk- just a word of advice. If you do decide to dance naked under the stars, don't do it in apublic place. The powers that be seem to frown upon it.

Cynnie01 said...

i understand COMPLETELY how you feel.. i was placed in a psych ward shortly after giving birth to our son.. on a 72 hours hold, while we were in California. it was severe post partum depression, but my husband refused to believe that, and i almost wasnt allwoed to come home.. i was one hour short of going to a halfway house when he decided to come and get me. i had to have a socail worker come to the house weekly to make sure everything was " okay" and the stay in that place still haunts me in my sleep. my baby was just 10 weeks old. it was one of three very traumatic times in my life. i will NEVER go back to a place like that EVER.