I've been feeling pretty down lately. When I'm low like this, I can't concentrate, focus, or think straight. My thoughts race, along with my heart. I have been off of my medication for a very long time, so my days of functioning as a 'normal' person are few and far between. I am always tired, I could sleep for 18 hours and still not feel rested.
My thereapist says that I may need a hospital visit to get back on track. No thank you. I've already been to the booby hatch, and let me tell you, it is not as much fun as advertised. There were honest to goodness CRAZY people there. Really. There was a guy there that thought that he was a prophet sent by God. Then I thought, 'maybe he is....' God has sent us messengers before. Then I thought ' OHMYGOD!!!! I really AM crazy!!!! Only a crazy person would believe that.
There are no locks on your doors. Not on your bedroom door, or the bathroom doors, or on your closet. My curtains were nailed on. My shower didn't have a head on it, just a pipe sticking out of the wall. My mirror was a piece of polished steel. The nurses took away my plastic disposable razor.
I was treated like an inmate,nobody even looked me in the eyes. I saw the Prophet wrestled to the floor, stripped, and tied to his bed. He had a pencil. I guess that he needed one. God was giving him instuctions, and he just wanted to remember them all. The worst part is, my 16 year old daughter witnessed it. The whole thing. I met a woman named MiMi. She was interesting . She was sooo happy with her life that she stripped naked in the parking lot of a local drugstore, and danced under the stars. True story.
So you can see why I'm in no hurry to return. I can't cope, but the alternative is.... no alternative,really. I don't know what to do.
My family needs me here, even if I am just a shadow of my former self. I don't know if I can go back to that place. Maybe the voices in my head will convince me......Until then I guess that i'll just muddle through. At least I'm not dancing naked under the stars......