Happy Birthday, Kayla

Today is February 27th. Today my 2nd born turns 16. I know that everyone thinks that their kid is special. Everyone thinks that their kid is wonderful, and one of a kind. I don't think so. I know so.

Kayla was born in 1991, a little more than a year after the loss of my son. Unlike her sister 3 years earlier, Kayla was not a surprise. We planned for her. I didn't even wait the 3 months that the doctor suggested that we wait. I couldn't. I knew that this amazing little person was just around the corner.
I was 21, and stuck in a bad marriage. I thought that a new baby, a son would help. I wasn't expecting Kayla to save our relationship. I thought that Rudi would realize how much he loved his little family and straighten up. I was wrong.
I was sure that Kayla would be a boy. So sure, in fact, that I bought everything in blue and green. The walls of the nursery were painted blue, the curtains were blue, the blankets, sleepers, and stuffed toys were all blue. I even bought a blue crib. About a week before she was born, I had an epiphany. The baby that I was carrying, the child that I was already calling Kyle, was a girl.
Rudi hit the roof when I told him. He must've thought that it was some conspiracy to drive him crazy. It wasn't. It was just a wonderful side effect.
Kayla slept through the night for the 1st time when she was 3 weeks old. I thought that those first 3 weeks were the longest of my life. I had to run the vacuum at all hours to calm her. The neighbours must've thought that I was crazy.
I was.

Crazy for the brown haired, wide eyed little girl that was the spitting image of me. Friends called her Midget Bridget. She really was. She had my attitude and my looks. Poor kid.
When we baptized Kayla, we gave her 2 sets of God parents. I knew that a kid like Kayla needed special spiritual guidance that Rudi's sister could never provide. Rudi's sister and husband were God parents out of guilt. Heidi and Jethro were made God parents out of love, and it is a decision that I have never regretted.
Kayla was always the brave one. I remember a 3 year old Kayla heading out the door to fight an 8 year old bully that had smacked KC around. Kayla was having none of that. She rolled up her sleeves and snuck out the back door while I was cleaning KC's cuts. My 3 year old Kayla sent the 8 year old bully home in tears.
Once, when she was 4, she caught a chipmunk. With her bare hands. That's how we learned that chipmunks don't carry rabies.
When she was in grade 7, she got a one day suspension from school because she kicked her shoe off at a girl. She was pissed because the shoe missed the other girl by a mile, but she still got suspended. She truly felt that if she had to do the time, she should get to REALLY do the crime. She wanted a re do.
I sent her to Shawn's parents for the day, because I was still in school. His parents were supposed to make her work in the garden and teach her a lesson about respecting her fellow classmates.
Grandpa took her fishing and then out for ice cream.

That'll teach her.
I guess that you could say that she mellowed in her old age. She will walk away from a fight- unless someone is threatening her little sister. Kayla took down a 200 lb girl because the girl threw a punch at J. Kayla told me that she just twisted the girls arm until she screamed and promised to leave J alone. It was about the same time that she heard a snap. Kayla weighs about 95 lbs soaking wet. This girl, a bully that had been bothering Kayla for months, crosses the street now when she sees Kayla. I don't condone or approve of violence, but sometimes you have to stand up for your self.
Kayla will stand up to God Himself. Then she will tell Him why He is wrong and she is right.
Those that know us well, Kayla and I, say that we are 2 peas in a pod.
I couldn't agree more.
And, I couldn't be more proud.
Happy Birthday, Kayla.

Introducing Lint Brush

This is Lint Brush, or LB for short. He is one of Henry's babies and I just HAD to introduce him to you. I'm not sure why, but he has a bald spot. See it? It cracks me up.
In other news, I have come to an agreement with my (2nd) x husband regarding child support. He is paying less than what the guidlines say that he should, and he hasn't been paying for any of J's extra's. He has a great benefit package, but other than her Rx's, he hasn't helped with anything. Even with his benefits, which cover up to 80% of the fees, I still pay about $120 a month for J's diabetic supplies. If we went to court, I would be awarded an extra $80 a month, plus I would be entitled to more to help with the cost of medical supplies. I don't want to fight, though. I will have a tough road ahead with Rudi, and I can only manage so much crap at once. I proposed this. X #2 (we call him Goof), will pay the same amount of support that he has been. He will pay for the deductible on her eyeglasses, and he will pay the cost up front. He will pay the deductible for the dentist, and he will pay it up front. If the deductible is less than the 80%, then we will split the cost. He will also buy her a box of needle tips every other month. He is still beating around the bush when it comes to her braces. She needs them and neither one of us has any coverage. I won't pay for them alone, it just isn't happening. Anyway, we got a lot settled, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me..
I did this.
ME.
I did this all alone.
Now, I just have to deal with Rudi.
The thing that gets me about Goof is this. He hasn't seen his daughter in about 2 years. Her birthday, and Christmas passed without a word from him. When we spoke on the phone, he didn't ask about any of the girls. Not once.
I don't get it.
I have gotten a few ideas for my next blog. Tod wants to know the worst advice that I ever got. Dilling wants to hear more about highschool with Heidi. I believe that Ldbug and Gardenia mentioned something about cheese..Heidi asked about the dog and TMOC...I still have lots to think about. I think that I'll ponder it tonight and get back to you.
Night.

I got nothin'. Any suggestions?

I 've been thinking alot lately, about honesty, and stealing, and perspective. I can't get the Great Cheese Caper out of my mind. I lay awake at night thinking about it. I think about it in the shower, doing laundry, making dinner, it's all I can think of. I guess that I'm confused. I made a mistake on January 26th. A big one, but a mistake none the less. I will probably be punished for this by losing my PSW license, a fine, and probation. Here's what confuses me.
My sister, Posh, works for a large company and makes about $250,000 a year. She travels, all over the world, and has a pretty good gig. She steals from her work place on a regular basis. She gave KC a memory stick for the computer, emblazened with the name of her work place. KC tells me that these are worth up to $100. Posh spends that on coffee every week. $100 is a drop in a very large bucket for her.
Here's what confuses me. If Posh knew about my arrest, she would cluck her tongue and lecture me about honesty and being accountable for my actions. She would. She prides herself on her honesty and considers stealing to be a sin. (I guess that it is, if you know your commandments). So...I'm a theif, and she isn't?
I guess that it's all in the perspective. People 'borrow' from there workplaces all of the time. Hubby tells me about co workers that have redone whole rooms in their houses with materials taken from the job site. When I worked at the grocery store (same chain that is charging me), coworkers punched in early and punched out late on their time cards. Is this theft? How many times have we taken pens, office supplies, whatever, from work? Who among us is NOT guilty?
I will go to court on April 3rd to be judged for my transgressions....I DID put the items in my cart. I AM guilty of that. I did not mean to leave without paying.
I wonder who the judge will be? I wonder what his/her perspective will be on this issue. Will he/she be understanding, or will he/she also want to make an example of me?
I wonder if the judge will also be a 'borrower' and will see things as they are? I wonder if when the judge signs his/her name on the documents before her, it will be a pen 'borrowed' from someone else.
I wonder.

Updates, Rants, and Headclogging Crap

Henry and the babies are doing well. The little ones are 2 weeks old now, and have become tiny hopping furballs. They are all living together again, and Henry is feeding them on their own. I took a photo of "Skippybunny" in mid hop. Isn't she just the cutest? KC named her that because Skippy is promising to drive down in a few months and get her.

I go to get finger printed on March 16th. I have an appointment, just like going to see your family doctor. I go to court on April 3rd. I am seriously considering just pleading guilty to stealing the fricking cheese. If it goes to trial, it could drag on for months. I think that the worst I will get is probation anyway, maybe a fine. Maybe, the judge will look at the whole thing and throw it out. Maybe. I can hope, can't I? I just don't want this thing dragging on into the end of May. TMOC is getting married then, and Lucky is coming up from Colorado. She is planning on flying in to Toronto, and then renting a van so that we can all go together. It's the only way that I'll be able to go. It's more than just the wedding though. See, my kids have never met her kids, and I have never met them, either. Lucky and I have only ever had about 2 days to visit, and I miss her terribly. My neice and KC are both 19 now, and we don't know how often we'll have a chance like this again. KK and my nephew are super close, and they are positively DYING to finally meet. I just want to see my sister. I want Heidi to meet my sister, and want to create some real family memories, not just emails or long phone conversations. I want a photo of all of cousins together, a photo of Lucky, TMOC and me.

Shawn is back to work today. He's with a new company now, and will be making about $10 less an hour. Ouch. We weren't exactly rolling in dough before, but it sure beats the big fat $0 that he has been making. He hasn't been fulltime since before Christmas, and we are dangerously behind on bills. Besides, he HATES doing nothing, not working everyday. I am just happy that he is back to doing what he loves. A happy Shawn makes for a happy house.

Do you remember KC telling you about the cabbie that assaulted her and tried to steal my cell phone from her? It happened on the day that Shawn went to pay the ginormous gas bill, December 8th. Well, we heard back from the detective in charge of the case, and the cabbie is being charged with assault and robbery. Neither KC nor Shawn have to testify, but Shawn has opted to give a victim impact statement. I can't wait for this! The trial starts on April 13th, and I plan on being there. We are finally being taken seriously, and more importantly, this creep won't get the chance to terrorize another person again. At the very least, he will lose his taxi lisence, even though he is the owner of the car.

We got dumped on again on the 14th. More snow. It is so deep that Porky won't even leave the front porch, and Ruby won't go out. At all. Unless she thinks the Pug might be out there. Hey, I do what I have to, ok? I almost had a stroke when I went out shovelling with KK last night. I would've been pissed if I would've missed Supernatural and ER because of a stupid stroke. I almost cut my baby toe off once, and it was during ER. I didn't want to go to the hospital until it was over. My x made me go right away, and of course I missed Dr. Carter and what'shername getting attacked by the crazy knife weilding patient. Never again, I tell you. I'm planning my accidents better now.

Anyway, KK has finally emerged from her room. It must be close to feeding time. Gotta run, motherhood calls.

Later.

Love Is....................................

A Cornicopia Of Awesomeness

Today our package arrived from Lucky. I felt like a little kid at Christmas! Inside was all manner of randomosity, including, paper cups from Starbucks, Luckys' fav mac and cheese, sea monkeys for J, 2 ipods, family photos, keychains hand made by The Nephew, dry soup, microwave popcorn......The list is endless!

I think this is my favourite gift of all. Can you read what it says? It says RECLAIM YOUR SENSUALITY. Reclaim? I didn't know that I ever lost it. Shawn is so excited. It's like spanish fly for grown ups. I don't know if this was a gift for him, or for me!

Among Shawn's fav gift was the Useless Information Quiz book. I love it! There are about 10 hand-me-down sweaters and t shirts for KK and J. And jewelry. And shot glasses. Post its, candles, and telephone, Grateful Dead stickers.......I swear, she put in one of almost everything.

How cool is my sister? I haven't seen her in about 3 yrs. We're hoping to get together for TMOC's wedding. I can't wait.

Anyway, I am off now. Since Hubby is laid off right now, we might as well make use of some of this time to try and reclaim our sensuality. Maybe. I'm thinking about it. We'll see what happens....

Is It Mother's Day Already?

I had the surprise of my life yesterday. Hubby got laid off, again, and his paycheck wasn't enough to cover our bills, groceries, or rent. I didn't tell KC how much the cheque was for, just that Shawn was laid off, looking for new work, and that money would be extra tight for the next couple of weeks. KC went to the grocery store to pick up some munchies because she was having her insignificant other over to watch movies. I called her on her cell phone and asked her to pick up toilet paper for me.
She came home about an hour later with $120 worth of groceries. That is the equivelent of a weeks pay for her. You could have knocked me over with a feather. My almost 19 year old bought food for the family. With her own money. Without being asked. Without complaining.
I am speechless. ME. Speechless.

Ruby and The Babies......

The baby bunnies are living in the old bird cage for now. Ruby is just dying to get to them, as you can see from this photo.....

It seems I spoke too soon when I said that Henry was a good mom. This is a photo of KK feeding the black bunny, the one that she calls Spazz. We lost a bunny, too. The smallest one didn't make it. We still have 3 baby bunnies that we are now hand feeding. They are walking around now, trying to hop. We have about a month of "bottle" feedings until they're able to eat on their own. I am so excited. Can't you tell?

For My Little Buddy In Virginia - Baby Bunnies!

Just a quick post today. I am feeling a little better, at least I got dressed today. Trust me, that's big.
We had a new addition to the family last Thursday. Actually, 4 new additions. I thought that we had the bunny situation worked out. You know, the boys in one place and the girls in another. Yeah, well, I was wrong. This is what we found Thursday evening. Four tiny babies. They are still bald, and their eyes haven't opened yet. That'll happen when they hit about 10 days old. They babies are about 3 days old here. The mom doesn't mind if you handle them, and many times we have had to bottle feed new born bunnies. Not this time. Henry, the mommy, is doing a great job.
Anyway, that's about the most exciting thing that has happened around here. Unless you count the huge amount of snow that we got, and the unbelievable temerature of -30. Ruby won't even go out to do her thing. Porky runs on to the porch, and right back in. I haven't been out since grocery shopping, and if I can work out, I won't be leaving the house again until the spring thaw.

I am still sick. Strep throat. Not fun. Not much to say, either, except thanks for stopping by.

Backstreet Boys - Everybody (Backstreet's BACK)

My mom is sick is today so I have hijacked her blog like all good daughters do.
I added this little ditty because I know it's one of her favs.
Also, to embarrass her now...we have this joke that she is going to try out for the popular television show "So You Think You Can Dance" and we have been working on a routine. Yes, I have been watching millions of music videos to get her some good "moves" so that she will blow the competition away. The problem is that no one in our house has any rythm except for KK. My solution to this problem was to add me and KK so that we can be a dance troupe. Basically, we are going to steal the majority of the dance "moves" from here. Especially the "Throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care" and the weird hand/butterfly thing that the girls in the red dresses do.
If you have any sweet "moves" that we can borrow please let us now. We need to come up with a killer routine...one like Napolean Dynamite's.
Sweet!

Friday night was not a good night. It started off ok, better than the previous few days had been. I was still reeling from my break down, still feeling out of sorts, but better. I had a bill to pay, one that had to be paid that day. I was already late with my payment, and I had made a promise to pay it on Friday. Shawn had to go out, so I headed out with KC. We paid the bill then walked across the street to a smallish mall, to grab a few groceries and get some of J's photos developed.
I dropped off the film and had an hour to kill. We strolled through the grocery store, looking at bedsheets, and kitchen gadgets, and reading valentines. I threw stuff in and out of my shopping cart, collecting crap as I went.

The shopping cart (trolley) was one of those bi -level jobbies, with a basket at the top, and the bottom, the bottom basket being longer than the one on the top. I had my huge purse, and a bag from Zellers, where we had been earlier that evening.

The time spent waiting for the photos seemed longer than an hour. I dunno. Maybe that's just me remembering. I paid for my groceries, my photos, and left the store. I actually took my time, pausing at the entrance of the store to look at the photos, and then stopping at the entrance to the mall itself. That's where a grubby looking kid approached me. I thought that he was panhandling for bus fare or money for the phone. I had to ask him 3 times what he wanted. Then, I was approached by a plain looking woman in tattered jeans and uncombed hair. (I am not making this up, folks). The kid told me that he was with security for the store, and would I come with them.

KC was getting bus tickets, and I was there alone. I was so shocked. I thought later that I should've told her to push off, get lost. I really thought that I had nothing to hide, so I went. No problem.

They took me to the lower floor of the grocery store, and into an inner office. I was still confused. I let them look through my bags, my purse, offered to empty my pockets. I did all of that, even though, by law, I did not have to allow them access to anything. I still thought that I was ok.

Well, I wasn't. On the bottom level of my cart, were some groceries that I had forgotten. I didn't have them stuffed into my bags, or my purse, they were just there. I saw the cheese and nearly fainted. I had wanted the cheese, that was my main reason for going into the damn grocery store. I had forgotten the cheese. I felt so stupid. The cheese! I really had forgotten. I offered to pay, and thought that would be the end of it.

Nope. The female security guard decided that since I had put the food into my cart, I was guilty. Well, yeah, of course I put the shit there! I never denied it, and I hadn't tried to stuff it down my pants or into my bags, either.

So, the cops were called, and I was placed under arrest. He read me my rights, and then asked me what happened. Now look, I'm not a complete idiot, and I wasn't going to implicate myself in any way. I told him that I didn't mean to leave without paying for that stuff, and that it was an accident. He tried to get me to fess up. I mean, listen, guilty or not, I've seen enough TV to know better. I wasn't going to say anything that could be used against me. I also knew that if I started talking, I would freak out, and lose it. I was polite, and answered all of basic questions, but would not admitt to anything. Then he tried to scare me. He told me that the judge would go easier on me if I confessed.

Are you kidding me? I have NO criminal record, and I have never been in trouble like this before. I can't even imagine what the judge will do even if I am found guilty....A fine?

The problem here is this. I am a licensed PSW, and in order to work anywhere, in my chosen profession,I need a CLEAN criminal record. I will never work as a PSW if I am convicted. Even though I'm not working now, being a PSW is my light at the end of the tunnel. I am hoping to work again, and make a difference for the people that I am helping. Without my lisence, I'll just another shmuck looking for a minimum wage job. I've already been that shmuck. I want more.

I feel so freaking stupid. I don't quite know what I was thinking, but I know that I wasn't thinking, 'Hey, let's steal this brick of $2.99 cheese, when I have enough money in my pocket to buy a weeks worth of food.' I mean, it was more than just cheese...there were some pens, and some cucumber seeds...a bunch of little stuff. I am so freaking humiliated. I now have to go to court, stand before the judge, and answer as to why I stole CHEESE. Shit. If I was going to risk my lisence, it wouldn't have been for cheese.

I have to go to be finger printed in March, and then I go to trial in April. I could plead guilty, get a fine, and a stern warning, maybe community service (yeah, right, no problem when you've agorriphobia), maybe probation. That would save me from a trial. I can't do that, tho. I can't risk losing my PSW lisence, the one thing that I have accomplished in my adult life. I don't think that I am guilty, either. Well, I guess, yeah, I am, because, I HAD THE CHEESE, but you knowwhat I mean. There you have it. My big night out. One of the 1st nights in ages that I have gone out without Shawn since my depression has gotten this bad.


So, friends, I hope that you don't think less of me. I could've kept this to myself, but it helps to write. And yes, I am ready for the cheese jokes. If I don't laugh I'll cry, and THAT isn't working for me.


I am going to try to get some sample meds in the meantime, and get back into counselling. It's a start. I realize that I need to be more pro active, even if it means being a little pushy with my family doctor. It's hard, because when you're depressed, even the small things seem almost impossible to do. I have to take charge. I have to learn to tell Shawn when I'm feeling bad, and ask for help. No more trying to hide it, or just pretending that everything is fine. It's time to get serious.

What I did With My Time Away, By Biddie

Hmm...This was a stressful week. My little break down lasted several days, and I did a whole lotta nothing. Actually, that's not true.
I cried. Alot.
I talked things over with Hubby, and feel better about that.
I watched Wicker Man. Don't bother.
I cried some more.
I talked to Lucky, who scored 2, count 'em TWO ipods for KC, and KK.
I talked to Skippy.
I wrote A LOT of emails to Heidi.
I cried some more.
I went out grocery shopping, and got arrested.

Anyone know a good lawyer?

The Whole Truth

I live with bi-polar, depression, and OCD. It's not easy for me, or for those that love me. I don't work, I can't work. I would like to, most days, anyway. I used to work at a grocery store, and before that I worked at the morgue in the hospital. I liked working, I liked the way that it made me feel. I liked bringing home money, even if it was only minimum wage. I liked the feeling of helping people, and more than anything, working made me feel useful, productive, needed.
Most of my life, I have struggled with committment in various forms. It's difficult to say that 'YES, I will be there!' when you have a panic attack at the thought of getting on the bus. Sometimes, I can get on the bus, but then the panic sets in. How will I get OFF of the bus when it's packed? What if it's late, or I'm on the wrong one? Some days, I feel well enough to work, but I know that this feeling will only last for days, sometimes even hours. In fact, in the past year I have applied for jobs and volunteer positions. I even went through most of the training needed to work with Alzheimer's patients - my dream job. I did everything, until I had to spend an afternoon in a nursing home shadowing someone. It should have been no big deal. I did my PSW training at 3 different nursing homes. I just couldn't do it.
In fact, even though I graduated with honours, even though I loved working with the elderly, even though I felt better than I had in years, I still barely finished my course. I fell into a deep depression, and begged my teacher to let me drop out. Thankfully, they worked with me so that I could graduate. Becoming a PSW was the life long dream that I had always yearned for. I was helping people, and loving it.
So, I graduated, and that was almost 3 years ago. I wound up at the hospital within months of finishing, and I have been in limbo ever since.
Most days are a struggle for me. My manic days are now few and far between. I can't remember the last time that I truly felt good, or laughed and enjoyed myself. Maybe it was boxing day.
The truth is that I am hard to live with. I can not work, and most days I am lucky to make it into the tub before 1:00. I don't return phone calls, or leave the house on my own, or do housework. I see the way that the house looks, and it depresses me. I want to cry, and I usually do. I struggle to do the basics. I make Shawn a lunch, most everyday. I feed the dogs, do some laundry, and take care of the bunnies. I don't read the way that I used to, because my concentration isn't there. I forget things. Big things. I have plugged in the kettle, and left it to burn dry. I have forgotten appointments, and loathe the thought of even going to one.
I can not work, and it looks like I won't be working for quite sometime.
This can put a strain on any relationship. Apparently, it has put a big one on mine.
I don't know what to do. I am on a waiting list for a new Dr. Even when I do get a Dr., I won't have money for my meds. We can't afford that. I'm looking at a few hundred dollars a month....I was on 3 kinds of meds before, and they were still tweaking and perfecting it.
I feel so lost. If my relationship fails, I will be out on the street. That is the reality. I can not support myself, and even if I got disability, it can take years to kick in.
The truth is, I think that my relationship IS over. The whole truth is, I don't know if I care.

This is kind of how I'm feeling right about now....

My Hometown

My hometown is a place that Heidi fondly refers to as Smallburg. I hated most of the time that I spent there. It was a small town, a place that many would call quaint, or think of as haven away from the city. For me, who was used to living in a townhouse complex with 81 units, it was both a nightmare and a dream come true. It was more than just the location that was scary to me, it was the fact that my Dad and I moved out to the boonies to be closer to his new fiancee and her 3 kids, while my older brother TMOC went to Toronto to live with Betty and Stan. You wouldn't think that moving 15 minutes outside of the city that I grew up in would be a big deal. It was.


The first place that my Dad and I lived was a one bedroom apartment on a huge farm that had a gravel driveway and a cool old barn out back. I loved the rickety old barn, with the birds in the loft and the antiques littering the floor. I spent many happy hours there, by myself, or with my soon to be sister. We had no cable, being so far out in the country, and our home phone was a 'party' line. We shared the line with 3 neighbours, and when the phone rang at one house, it rang at all of the houses. Most of what we owned was in storage and I spent way too much time listening to my Dad's old Glenn Miller albums.


School was another problem. I did not, could not fit in. I was used to walking to school with TMOC, or riding my bike with my friends. In Smallburg, I took the bus. The same bus that the other kids had been riding for all of their school aged lives. Every day was a trial for me. I got beat up getting off the bus nearly every day, and the mornings weren't much better. I can't remember how long we lived there. It was a temporary home for us, a place to stay until my Dad and step mom got remarried. I was 11, and in grade 6. I hated it - everything- so much that I stayed home from school for almost a month. That back fired big time, and I ended up repeating the whole year.


After Dad got married, we moved into 'the big house,' a cool turn of the century home with stained glass windows and a bathroom bigger than my room at the townhouse. This meant blending in with 2 new brothers and anew sister, who constantly reminded me that "we are three." Like I could ever forget that I didn't belong in this house, with it's fancy furniture, plush carpeting and secret cupboards. The only bright spot was the horse barns, on the road behind my house, a short bike ride away. I spent many afternoons there, mucking out stables, and talking to the horses. I finally had room to play. I was free to explore the whole town, wade in the river, watch baseball games at the grandstands, hang out in the public library,(my fav hang out for many years) or sit in the big old oak tree in the back yard. I can remember running to the park after school and watching the fall fair being assembled. The carnies always let us play on the rides, and I can remember climbing on the carousel and ruining a skirt that I hated. The trouble that I got into was so worth it.

Most of the kids still hated me, and I was lonely. I taught Sunday School at our little Lutheran Church, babysat most Friday nights, and stopped at Tony's Donuts a couple times a week for day olds. That was it. My life in Smallburg.

Things got better in highschool. I finally fit in, found a niche, and a great bunch of friends. I found Heidi there, in our English class. We have been friends ever since.
It didn't last long. I got kicked out of school, and sent away to Nova Scotia for my own good. Know what the crazy thing is? I missed Smallburg. In Nova Scotia, all I could remember were the good times. I remember playing 'chase' with half of the town. Of course, Jethro was there, with his sister, and my brothers, and everyone else between the ages of 8 and 20-ish. We had a 5 block radius to hide, in teams, and search out the other teams. We played kick the can, and road hockey, swam in Jan's pool (Welcome to our OOL! Notice there's no pee in it? Let's keep it that way!), or at my aunt and uncles. I played with baby cousins and smoked my first cig with Kim behind the horse barns. The grandstands? We broke into the concession stand one night and ate our weight in chips. (They came in foil bags then). We went to Short Stop where "Duh, Ross" worked. That place was always a score because there was 15 cent table that had treasures galore. I once bought my (step) mom a bottle of 15 cent mouth wash for her birthday that Duh Ross convinced me was perfume. (I know, I know, maybe I should have been called Duh, Bridget). The cool thing about Duh Ross was that you could pick anything at all from the store and tell him that it came from the 15 cent table. I once got a 10 pound heart shaped box of chocolates for a measley 15 pennies.

My Dad was on the board of trade there, and designed the war memorial that was rebuilt in 1991, and helped to create the largest working water wheel in North America. It is still there, almost 8 years after his death. The horse barns are long gone, torn down to help make room for the hall where Jethro and Heidi held their wedding reception. The grandstands that once looked like the photo below, recently burned down, and now look like the other photo. It just about broke my heart, and I'm pretty sure that Heidi cried when we heard the news.

It's strange what time and a little bit of life expirience will do to your perspective. I actually miss Smallburg now. When I saw the house that we're living in now, I feel in love with it because it reminds of Smallburg. The same place that I hated, loathed, and cursed the whole time that I lived there.
My Dad is still there. He is buried in the small town cemetary that is also the resting place of my Granny, my Grossie, and far too many highschool friends. There is a plaque that bears his name, and a gravestone that I haven't seen in over 4 years. It's funny, you know? I miss the place like crazy, but I just can't bear the thought of going back. It might tarnish my memories.

Alphabet Soup

I have been tagged by Gardenia, to do my own version of Alphabet Soup. So, here goes....

A - Availible/single? - TAKEN!

B - Best Friend - Heidi, of course, and Shawn, and Skippymom..

C - Cake or Pie? - Why pick one? I LOVE cake, but Shawn makes a pretty wicked homemade pie....

D - Drink of choice - Flavoured water

E - Essential everyday item - Toothbrush. I brush my teeth about 6 times a day

F - Fav color - Purple

G - Gummy bears or Worms? - Bears, of course

H - Hometown - I was born in Wallaceburg, Ontario, near Lake Saint Clair

I - Indulgence - I can only pick one? Ummm..new jammie pants? Extra milky chocolate

J - January, or February? - June

K - Kids, and names - KK, 15, J, 12, and KC, 18 (all girls)

L - Life Is Incomplete Without...... A good book

M - Marriage date - August 5th, 1989, August 23, 1997, which I consider to be my 'practice' runs. I'm still working on #3, maybe this year.....

N - Number of siblings - Ok..Let me think....2 step brothers, Ralph, and Craig, 2 adopted brothers, Mike and Andy, 1 brother, TMOC, 1 adopted sister, Posh, and one wonderful sister, Lucky

O - Oranges or apples - Depends on my mood

P - Phobias/fears - spiders, snakes, and heights

Q - Favourite quote - Still pondering this one. I don't think that I have ONE fav....

R - Reason to Smile - Ruby

S - Season, Fall or Spring - Spring, because I always feel like it's a new beginning for me, too

T - Tag 3 or 4 people - CindyDianne, Heidi, Corky, and The Adult In Question

U - Unknown fact about me - I think that you all pretty much know everything. Why don't you ask me, and then I'll tell you?

V - Veggie that I don't like - Green and yellow Beans..YUCK! -

W - Worst habit....Only one? There are SO many....I guess putting things off for as long as humanly possible

X - X-rays - My wrists, my foot, both ankles, my legs, my teeth....Do CT scans count?

Y - Your Fav Food - Lasagne

Z - Zodiac sign - Cancer, the crab

I haven't been feeling well the past few days..I can't seem to shake this cold. I woke up today feverish again, and I stayed in bed till lunchtime. Consequently, I don't have much to talk about.
I have heard from Lucky. She is doing MUCH better, and thanks to a very well known computer company over charging her and screwing up, she phoned this morning to tell me that she was offered some free electronics. My sister being the wonderful person that she is, phoned me and asked if the kids still wanted ipods. Uh, yeah! Hell yeah! So, she is working on it as I sit here typing. Really, how lucky am I to have her for a sister?
Skippymom has her boy home now, and even though she sounds tired, she also sounds blissfully happy! It feels great to be spreading some good news instead of dwelling on negative crap.
That's it, that's all I have. My head is spinning again, and I think that I'm going to go lay down.
Later........................

ANOTHER 5 Things That You Don't Know About Me.....

1. I am a notorious garbage picker, much to the kids dismay. Shawn and I actually got our washing machine from the side of the road last year. It was less than 3 years old, and it was being tossed away because it was missing a button. We don't have a car, so we brought it home on a skate board. We just slapped it on the skateboard and rolled it across one of the busiest streets in the city.

2. My father, a swinging single guy in the 70's, dated my grade 3 teacher, Miss M. I had her for grades 3, 4, and 5. They dated secretly for awhile, and when they broke up, she tried to have me held back. I remember going to a meeting at the school, but it wasn't until just shortly before my Dad passed away that he told me the whole truth. Miss M was angry at being dumped, and tried to fail me because of it. We had to go before the school board and she came close to being fired. I made it to the next grade, but Miss M was always so hard on me. Now I know why. Thanks, Dad.

3. I had a made up boyfriend in grade 6. (Think Jan Brady and George Glass). His name was Christopher, and of course, he was SOOOO cute. I am so embarrassed.

4. I introduced my best friend, Heidi, to her hubby, Jethro, a childhood friend that I have known since I was 10. This means that between them, Heidi and Jethro know pretty much everything that there is to know about me. Scary thought.

5. I accidentally wore my pants to college in side out one day. I had been really sick, and had rushed out the door to make my bus. I made it half way through the morning before anyone noticed. I could have died, I was that embarrassed. I didn't rush to the bathroom to change, however. I waited until our next break, and chastized everyone that was laughing at me for not being able to think 'outside of the box.'

Good News

Lucky came home from the hospital today. She's still feeling rough, and will be home for at least another week, but she's home safe and sound. Thanks for all of the good wishes and kind words. It means the world to me.

Are Any Of My Blog Buddies In Fairfax County?

Skippymom needs your help. I can't do links, (cuz I suck), but, you can find her on my sidebar. Scoot on over there and see if you can help, ok?

After my last post, I thought that we could all use a smile. I'm not going spend every minute worrying about Rudi. I'll be on the lookout, and I'll be careful, but I'm not going to dedicate one minute more to him than I have to.
My brother called me today. I had been worried that we wouldn't be able to get past our arguement before Christmas. I think that things will be ok.
We went to the police station yesterday morning, and it went very well. I think that the detective in charge is taking this seriously. It feels nice to be have the justice system working for us. It feels great, actually.
It's actually snowing today, and for the first time in weeks, I think that you might need hat and mitts if you're going out. It still isn't cold enough for the snow to stay on the ground, though. I must admit, I love it! I love being able to walk to the store without bundling up, and I don't miss shovelling the snow, either. I do feel badly for my sister, Lucky. She lives in Colorado, and has been snowed in. She's in the hospital right now, suffering from pnuemonia (?). She's so far away, and I've never felt the distance more than I do right now.
Get well soon, Lucky.

Something To Blog About................

I have been struggling to come up with a blog topic when my ex husband reared his ugly head and gave me fodder.
My 1st husband and I were married in 1989, when I was barely 20, and he was even younger. We already had a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and there was great pressure on us to "Do the right thing." I don't know if it was the right thing, or not, but in August of 1989, we got hitched.
The marriage was a bad one. Rudi (that's right folk's, no more alias, his name is Rudi Horst Stangen) started belittling me and hitting me. The term is 'sexual assualt', but we call it rape. It happened to me on a weekly basis. I'm not telling you this for sympathy, I'm just telling it like it is. When our youngest (not J, she is from #2) was 6 weeks old, he tried to kill me. He did, and he even had the nerve to tell Heidi about it. I was with him for a little more than a year after that. I wanted him to leave, but he controlled everything. I had no access to our joint bank account, and I had to ask when I needed bus fare. If I wanted to go out for an evening, I needed to find a babysitter. I could never afford a sitter, because he controlled the money. I finally found the courage to stand on my own after he started abusing the girls. He pulled KC's arm out of the socket, twice. He shook KK like a rag doll when she was about 14 months old - because she was crying.
Since our seperation, and divorce, things have only gotten worse. Rudi would visit the girls only when he had time...Which was almost never. He would take the girls, and they would come home crying. His step daughters would pee in KC's bed, break their toys, hit them, steal their allowance, and Rudi and his new wife ( mistress, they were f'ing around for over a year before we split), Shannon didn't care. The girls would go weeks or months without a word from Rudi, and then he would show up out of the blue, screaming about his rights.
Once, when KC was 7, I had to phone the police because he refused to bring KC home. Another time, when KK was about 10, he did the same to her, but he actually had her for over a week. When I finally showed up with the police, Shannon wanted to fight me.
The past few years have been especially rough. KK was nearly hospitalized after his last visit. He took her to the mall for 2 hours, and told her all kinds of nonsense. When she came home, she was suicidal, and tried to push me down a flight of stairs. I can not let him near my daughter, who is just now beginning to feel good again.
Rudi has not sent a birthday card or gift in YEARS. He has never attended any special events, even when the girls have begged him to. He stopped paying support for KC in June, and has been paying about 2/3 of what he should be paying for KK. He decided how much he should pay.
Before we moved, he sent the police and Children's Aid to my house about every 6 months. The accusations were always pretty wild, and the file was always closed the same day, because my girls are not in danger, not going hungry, not being beaten, thank you very much. This is how Rudi has fun. He puts energy into being disruptive and destructive. He obviously doesn't care about the kids. He has not phoned or stopped by in a year.
So......Rudi pays me my support in 12 post dated cheques, that he drops off every January (2 weeks late). Since we moved in June, I knew that I had to phone him and give him an address to drop off the support cheques. Our lives have been quiet and peaceful since we have lived here. No Rudi.
I have been having full blown anxiety attacks just thinking about making this phone call. My chest actually hurts, and I'm having difficulty breathing. That's how much I hate conflict. So, I got Shawn to call, and speak with Rudi. Guess what? Rudi won't give me my support until I give him my address.
Now think about this. We moved in June, and he had no idea. He had no idea because he never visits. Or calls. He would never known that we moved, except for Shawn's phone call. So why does he have to have our address? To phone Children's Aid, and the police, and the SPCA. and anyone else that he can think of. He has phoned ex #2, and tried to entice him to the dark side. You would think that x #2 would love to screw me over, right? Maybe. The thing is, as much as #2 might hate, me, he hates Rudi even more.
So, I won't get my support cheques until I give my address. Guess what? It ain't happening.
Shawn got a phone call from Rudi after his conversation with Rudi.
He's going to have us, Shawn and Bridget, (last name Allen , thank you very much) charged with kidnapping.
Interesting. I have full custody. KC is 18, and KK is nearly 16. Neither one want to see him . Ever.
Again.
Can you be charged with kidnapping your own kids? When you have custody? When the ex spouse hasn't even ATTEMPTED a visit in OVER 2 years?
I'll let you know.............
Wow. I feel much better. Blogging really is better than freaking out.
Whew..

The Voices In My Head

I have SO much crap in my head. The voices in my head just won't quiet down, and I think that the only way to quell them is to blog about it all.
Christmas was awesome. We made do with less, and somehow it didn't matter. We were together, and warm, and enjoyed each others company. What did put a damper on our celebrations however, was a conversation with my brother, that upset the whole family and left KC and I in tears. I love my brother in a way that most people don't understand. There has been much upheaval and craziness in our lives, and through it all, we have been always been there for each other. TMOC is 4 years than I am, but it seems that I have been the one looking out for him. I have forgiven him for things that I would never even dream of forgiving anyone else for doing/saying. He has probably done the same for me. I don't know where our relationship stands now. I fear that I may have lost him. This pains me.
Hubby is still laid off. He went back to work for ONE day, and has been laid off ever since. I dealt with the Christmas issue just fine - we can all live with less stuff - but I am seriously sweating about the little stuff. You know - electricity, heat, phone..... I'm trying to stay positive about this, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out. Soon.
Gas. Those ass-hats are at it again. I really thought that we had it all taken care of. I mean, we JUST paid $3300 to pay off ALL accounts, past present, and even the imaginary ones. Last week I got a bill saying that we owed $110 in ARREARS. Guess what? They had NO record of Hubby paying $ 3300 just 2 weeks earlier. SIGH. I am so mad. I don't even think that I can deal with this. Hubby will have to make this phone call. Deep breaths.
Speaking of Hubby, he needs glasses. The truth is, we can't afford them right now, but I don't think that he will even admit to needing them. I'll give you a few examples. We were watching Superman Returns last week. I need the captioning because I am practically deaf. (Seriously, I have a hearing loss in both ears). Hubby can't read the captioning, because he is nearly blind. The captioning says...' i'm glad that you're feeling better.' What does Hubby read?
I'm glad that I'm feeding you butter.
One day when we were out for a walk on garbage day, we walked past an old coffee maker sitting on the curb. Hubby wanted to know what was wrong the good looking pair of boots that someone would throw them out? He wanted to try them on.
Then there was the day that he was nearly arrested for following a woman around the bus terminal, trying to feed her french fries. As it turns out, he thought that it was me, and he was shoving food in some woman's face. Then there was the time that some poor guy thought that he was being car jacked when Hubby came storming over to his truck and tried to open the door. He thought that it was his boss's truck, and he was trying to pick up his pay check.
SIGH.
Tomorrow Hubby, KC and I go to the police station. Hubby and KC were assaulted by a cab driver, and the cops might be pressing charges. Even though I am going into police station through the front doors, sans handcuffs, it still kinda freaks me out. My expirience with the justice system has been less than satisfactory recently. I am hoping that since it is the police that are pursuing this, it will all work out in the end.
Grandma comes over tomorrow, too. We haven't seen her in a couple of weeks, because she was in BC visiting with her other grandkids. The girls are itching to get at their gifts, and I think that they may have missed Grandma just a wee little bit, too. This means that Hubby will be making some homemade pie in honour of her visit. There's nothing better than Grandma and home made pie.
Maybe having Grandma for a visit will help Ruby forget about the Pug. For a little while, anyway.

Just Waitin' On A Friend

Ever since Ruby's boyfriend left on the 26th, she's been watching for him at the window. I think that it's pug love.

Christmas is finally over, and we will soon usher in the new year. Personally, I can't wait for 2006 to end. I did have a wonderful Christmas, I must admit. Hubby had lots of time off, (Thanks Mr.Bossman - Ummm, is he going BACK to work soon?) and we actually spent some quality time together.

On Christmas Eve, we all went to KK's boyfriends family home. Even though we all know each other, KK and Corey have been dating over a year now, and this was the 1st time that we had a real get together. Corey's mom and Grandma are sweet, and I enjoyed every minute with them. Grandma is very entertaining. Whenever she tells a story, she stands up and acts it out, just like charades. It cracks me up.

Corey's dad on the other hand, was a complete ass-hat. I wish that he wasn't, because I really wanted things to go smoothly. He was, though, which left Hubby with no choice to go into his Cliff Claven routine.

SIGH.

Christmas was just the 5 of us, laying around, eating food and watching movies. I can't remember the last time that the 5 of us spent time together, just hanging out and having fun. We ate ourselves silly. It was great.

Boxing Day was even better. Heidi and family came over around noon, and we had our Christmas.

Ruby and the Pug chased each other for about 3 hours, until they both stopped for a breather. Poor Pug is fixed, and Ruby isn't. I don't think that that had nearly as much fun as Ruby did.

We gorged ourselves on ham, turkey, salad, turnip, pie...The list goes on, and on....

Heidi, KC, KK, and I played

this game. It was soo close, but KC and I did win. I should probably apologise to Heidi. We do tend to get a tad competeitive.
We're only a few days away from New Years Eve. I don't think that we have any plans. I think that we are going to say good bye to 2006 in our living room, and quietly say hello to the new year. Maybe a nice, quiet start will set the tone for the rest of the year. I hope.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Porkchop

Hubby and I went out for a couple of hours yesterday, and when we came home, this is where we found Porky. How cute is my angry little grandma dog?

First of all, I would like to apologize in advance. I am about to rant, again. If you're not in the mood to hear me whine and rant, you may want to come back another day. If you don't mind my angry ramblings, then by all means, continue on.
I am so pissed. It's less than a week before Christmas, and Hubby is laid off. Not only is he laid off, but we had no notice. To make matters worse, his last paycheque was $200 short because Mr. Bossman decided to that we should start repaying our loan to him. I don't mind repaying the loan. I don't. I am so incredibly grateful to have my heat/hot water. I am! I knew that we would repay the loan in increments of about $200 a week. It makes things tight, but I feel that it's a fair amount. I am pissed because we weren't supposed to be repaying the loan until the new year. We had NO notice that Mr.Bossman had decided to start the payments early. This is bad enough less than 2 weeks before Christmas. Now, there will be no paycheck this Friday, either, because of the layoff. Maybe none next week. Or the week after. A little notice might have been nice.
Hubby and I took the bus today. I hate the bus. HATE public transit. Last week, I was crop dusted, ON PURPOSE by an old guy. Not once, but twice. He practically crawled up inside my jacket with me. I thought that maybe he wanted me to piggy back him.
There was another older gentleman that got on at my stop with me. He had a cane. Nobody would give him a seat. He was flying around every corner that we took, falling into peoples laps. He stood the way to the mall. He still couldn't get a seat. What the eff does it take? Someone give the guy a seat!!!
The food bank. My biggest beef of the day. I loathe the food bank. I hate that I have to go there, I hate that it's dirty, and crowded, and more than anything, I hate that most of the people there getting free food are taking advantage of it.
I have a nice big ham for my Chritmas dinner. No problem there. I have frozen veggies, too. What I don't have is bread or fresh veggies, or milk. The everyday stuff. If Hubby was getting a paycheque on Friday, we would make due. The fact is, we don't know WHEN he'll get another pay, and with the holidays coming....It scares me a little. Trust me, we are desperate if we go there.
So, off we went, on the bus, to get our free food. By the time I left, I wasn't hungry anymore. The place was PACKED. I mean packed like a can of sardines kinda packed. I saw one woman with brand new Reeboks, so shiny white that they must've just come out of the box. I'm talking about brand new $200 shoes.
The next woman that I saw was wearing designer clothes, and so much jewelry that she could barely hold her head up. Seriously. Her gold chains would rival something that Mr. T wore in his heyday.
Then there was the grandma. She put her hands into the bag of buns, and prceded to manhandle and sqeeze every single bun to make sure that they were fresh. Oh, they were fresh alright, but after she touched everyone (after picking her ass and nose), nobody else wanted any. One lady took 8 loaves of bread, even after being asked to only take enough for her family size....It was 2 people, by the way. Thanks. A crate of fresh onions was brought out. You know, the green ones. I was standing RIGHT beside the bin, and by the time Ihad my hand in there, they were all gone. 4 people loaded up on green onions. GREEN FREAKING ONIONS, PEOPLE!!!!!! how many fricking onions are you gonna eat, anyway? I only wanted one bunch, but the 4 other people had taken about 12 each.
SIGH......
Wanna know the best part? We had to have Hubby's dad come and pick us up, at the food bank. I don't know why he agreed to do it. I think that he likes to see Hubby when he's feeling crappy and vulnerable. That's my theory.
Christmas is nearly here, and I have seen very little Christmas spirit. The people that I saw today were the worst that society has to offer. They were greedy, and ill mannered, and down right dusgusting. They took everything that wasn't nailed down, because it was free.
Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.
Whew.
I feel a little better now. A lot better.
Sometimes you just need to vent.
On a happy note, I am looking forward to the holidays. Our family will be with us on boxing day, the day that we cooking our spiral cut ham. Hubby gets to cook, I get to eat, and best of all, I get to visit with some of my favourite people in the whole world. My real family. That should improve my mood. There's nothing better than best friends and pug love.

Oh Christmas Tree

After visiting some of my bloggy friends and seeing their trees, I have been inspired to post some photos of our tree.

KC took some photos of my favourite ornaments for me, because, as you all know, I suck.
This is the 1st year that I have all of the Rudolph ornaments - all of the different ones that I could find, anyway. I have Yukon Cornelius, and The Dentist Elf...what's his name? I have Rudolph with a light up nose, and Clarice, and I think that I have Santa in there some where, too.

This is KC's favourite ornament. She LOVES The Little Mermaid, and I do my best to indulge her. Maybe it's because she's 18 now, and I can barely see the little girl in my nearly grown daughter. Maybe it's because I'm just a big kid myself. Either way, Ariel has earned a place of honour on our tree.

Darth Vader. This is Hubby's ornament. Hubby was tired of seeing an angel or star at the top of the tree, so the Dark Lord Of The Sith has the glory this year. See him raising his fist in victory? He was a bit camera shy.....


R2- D2, another of my favourites. I had a big model of R2 when I was a kid, and have looking for another ever since my dad sold it at a garage sale. This will have to do in the meantime.

This was a gift from my FMIL last year. She hand painted one for all of us, and we think that they're great. I love hand made ornaments, I think that someday they will be the real treasures. Actually, they already are.

This is our tree, in all of it's glory. We would have bought a real tree ( not that this is an illusion, it's really there), but we don't have a car to bring it home. My brother bought one 2 years ago and carried it home 15 blocks. Tourists were taking photos of him the whole way. I have no desire to be either photographed or to struggle with a tree strapped to my back, so this was our only option. It's a little like a Charlie Brown tree, but I think that just adds to its charm.

My depression has been getting the better of me lately, and I am trying to focus on all of the positives in my life. With the exception of a loan from Hubbys boss to pay off our huge gas bill, things just don't seem to be going our way. I was feeling rather blue when I opened the mail on Friday. Along with the usual bills, I recieved 2 Christmas cards in the mail. One was from a long lost friend, and the other was from my Grandma, who lives about 3 hours away. Inside the card was a long letter, and a crisp new 10 dollar bill.
How cute is that? Thanks, Grandma, for the smile. I needed one.

A Terminator Christmas

Several years ago, when my (step)mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her that I wanted a Nativity scene. What I had in mind was something that would remind me of my Catholic/Lutheran upbringing. You know what I mean. Something like one of these.

THIS is what I got instead. It reminds me of something out of the Terminator movies. It weighs about 10 lbs, and if it ever fell on one of the dogs, they'd be hush puppies. Nothing screams Christmas like the T3 Nativity scene.

Crushes, Part 2

I forgot some very important guys in my first crush post. I'm sure that I'll forget more, but I just HAD to mention these guys. Oh, all of my crushes will be FAMOUS people this time.

Jerry O'Connell. Yeah, baby. He was in My Secret Indentity, and before that, he was the chubby kid in 'Stand By Me.' LOVED him in Sliders. He's engaged to John Stamos' ex, ol' what's her face.

Anthony Stewart Head. He was Giles, on Buffy. I don't really know why I like him so much. Maybe it's because you think he's stuffy and boring, but if he wanted to, he could kick your ass. He could. His brother was the one hit wonder guy, Murray Head that sang One Night In Bangkok in the 80's. Talented family.

Corey Haim. I know that he tried to sell his teeth on E Bay. I know that he is drug addidct that had to get his mom to pay his tab at Candy Mountain. I KNOW. He's a cute little Canadian boy, and I love him anyway. Sorry

Jon Erik Hexum. He was only 26 when he died. I was about 15 and it crushed my spirit. He died too young, and with so much potential. On the bright side, he was an organ donor, and many people benefited from this tragedy. Among them was a pimp, who recieved his liver (or kidneys, my memeory is a bit hazy on that part). Great news for all of the johns out there.

James Marsters, also from Buffy. He's scrawny, and pale, but also moody and brooding. I love him.

I can't post my crushes without mentioning Keanu Reeves. Dreamy. I have loved him since Bill and Ted. Or was it Rivers Edge? Who knows? Who cares? He's just dreamy. Sigh.

I hate Beta

I hate beta. I had to switch, because I couldn't leave comments on any beta blogs. It took me 6 trys to sign in because apparently my password is wrong. So far, I don't see the benefits of this new version.

The Spirit Of Christmas

I guess by now most of my blog buddies know that the last few days have been, er..rough. To say the least. I wasn't feeling very Christmas-y, and I normally belt the holiday songs out all day long at this time of year. Thanks to my very good blog buddy, Dilling, all of that has changed!
I recieved a gorgeous photo in the mail today - a complete surprise! Dilling sent me a photo as part of her art share, even though I am NOT an atrist, and only commented on her blog.
I have to say, it made my day. This gesture of friendship and kindness has raised my spirits and renewed my faith. I want to share this photo with you all, but it will have to wait until one of my kids can help me ( I know, I suck).
Thank you, Dilling, and Marni, and CindyDianne, and Snowcrush, and Tod, and 4D, and Gardenia, and Skippy, and Kate Isis, and Heidi (that goes with out saying), and Nonny, and Her Indoors, and Corky and Camie..... and thank you everyone for your support and friendship!
(hope that I haven't missed anyone, I love you all!)

5 More Things/6Weird Things about Me

I have been tagged by Skippymom to reveal 5 MORE things that you may not know about me, and by Gardenia, to come clean with 6 weird things about me. I'll combine them together and tell you some of my deep, dark, secrets.
When I asked my kids to help me with my weird list, the answer was the same from all 3. Compulsive vacuuming. I hate housework, and because of my depression, it is an even bigger struggle. I do however, vacuum. My vac never gets put away, it just gets parked. I heard the kids whispering about an intervention.
I love the smell of gasoline and new tires. When I was little, my Dad had a towing buisiness, and it reminds me of him. If only I could find that in a perfume......
The next one is a big one. I once had a crush on my brother. Before you all start playing the Duelling Banjos theme from Deliverance, there is a bit of a back story. He wasn't actually my brother at the time. He was my Dads girlfriends kid then, and I thought he was oh so sweet. Our parents got married, my Dad adopted him, and now we are completely estranged. So much for brotherly love.
I married my 1st husband out of guilt. Catholic guilt, actually. We had a daughter, and were living in sin, and my parents were freaking out. I knew that he wasn't Mr. right, just Mr. RightNOW, but married him anyway. I cried walking down the aisle because I KNEW that it was a mistake. They weren't tears of joy.
I stayed married to my 2nd husband because I loved his mom so much. I didn't want to lose her, and I felt like a 2nd divorce would be the equivilent of wearing a big scarlet letter on my chest. As it turns out, that the divorce was one of the best things that I ever did.
I know things before they happen, and I often have dreams that come true. Don't start asking me about lottery numbers or ask me to tell you your future. It doesn't work like that for me. Sometimes, I just KNOW things. I knew that I was going to lose my baby when I was pregnant with my son. There was no reason to even think this, as I was healthy and (relatively) happy at the time. He died as aresult of (my) being kicked, but I knew the day BEFORE. I even told a friend the day before he died. I had a dream about a little boy that lived on my street years ago. In the dream he fell through the ice while playing hockey and drowned. It happened about 2 weeks later. It's not all bad. When a 4 year old neighbour took off from her yard, everyone imagined the worst. I knew that she was safe, and found her hiding in the bushes across the road from our apartment. I had a feeling that she was safe, and somhow knew where to find her. Weird.
I hope this enough for you guys. I think that you know pretty much everything about me now. No more secrets.

Want a really good true story?
Check out the Adult in Question from Random Me and Stuff.
www.randommeandstuff.blogspot.com
You won't believe it.

And Finally

We got the bill paid. Hubby went to city hall and paid it, and it was reconnected in about 2 hours. YAY! The final bill that was given to Hubby, and that we paid, was different once again, then the bill that we recieved YESTERDAY.
I can fight this. I should fight this. I just don't know if I will. It stresses me out too much. I don't think that even if and when we prove our case, they will give us any of our money back.
You can't fight city hall. Truly. Did they win? Yup. They won. They got everything that they wanted, and then some. I can sleep peacefully, and warmly, in my own bed tonight. The kids are safe, and our Christmas will be a good one, because we will all be together. They can NOT come after me again, because they have nailed me for EVERY address that they had on file for me. I don't have to look over shoulder, or worry about this popping up ever again.
Did they win? Yup. They won, but I will be one sleeping peacefully tonight.

And, Breathe

Ok. I am a little more composed. Hubby has a cheque for almost the exact amount that we need, and we should be able to cover the rest. Hubby approached his boss, and his boss agreed to loan him the money to pay the bill. I spoke with the gas company, and they have agreed to put off cutting the water until 4pm today. We should have the WHOLE bill paid by then. I don't know if they will restore my heat/hot water today, and seeing as how it's a Friday........If they don't turn the heat on by tonight, we're going to a cheap motel. (Hubby got paid today, so we can swing it for one night).
I still have my paper work, and I am going to ask that this whole matter be looked into. I KNOW that I do not owe this money. Every bill that I ever had for arrears (before) was for $429.00, which I paid.
I don't understand HOW the city can cut my water when I am NOT, and NEVER have been behind. It makes no sense. By cutting my water, they would be deconstructing my family. Obviously, I can't have a 12 year old diabetic here with no water. I was thinking about it last night, and you need water for almost EVERYTHING. Cooking, cleaning, bathing, brushing your teeth.....I was dreading having to tell my 12 year old that not only is her birthday party cancelled, but she is also going into foster care because of the ASS HATS at city hall.
So, Hubby is picking up his cheque in less than an hour. Hopefully, we will all be warm and snug in our beds tonight.
Having all of my blog buddies cheering for me, and praying, in some cases, has made a real difference. Thanks..............................

The Truth About My Gas Bill

I am completely humilitated by this, but angry as hell at the same time. I have nothing to hide and I have no problem telling everyone what is happening.
This bill is not for one month, but goes back YEARS, according to the people in the good city of Kitchener, where I live, pay taxes, and to whom I make the payments on my gas and water.
The utility company came to me over a year ago, saying that I owed $400 from a previous address. I didn't dispute it, I really wasn't certain as to whether or not I paid the bill, from an address that we had left 2 years earlier. I agreed to pay it. The bill (after I made a $100 payment, and arranged to pay the rest within 2 weeks), then went up to $800, with the gas company saying that I now owed for another address. The bill then went up to $1200, $1500, $2000, and finally, $2500. The explanation given to me was that I had not made ONE payment on a gas bill in OVER 5 years. (one of the addresses in question was my ex husbands).
I do not reciepts that go back over 5 years. I am lucky to find anything from this month. Common sense would tell you that I had made payments on the bill, or it would have disconnected YEARS ago. I found some reciepts, a couple, which the gas company never gave me credit for. One account # that we are being billed for, never even exisited. If they can make a mistake on that one, then why not all of them, or at least more than one. They refuse to even consider the fact that we don't owe this amount. The bill has now jumped from $2500 to $3256.88 without an explanation. (They want an extra 50 for when that reconnect me). Since we have lived here, I have been paying my bill, including $150 that I paid last WEEK.
I know that we look like dead beats. I know it. I do not owe this money, and I have no way of paying off such a large amount. I am paying my bills, as best as I can. We just finished paying that crazy hydro bill. I paid it in full, even though I was double billed for a portion of it.
So, the utility company refuses to cut me any slack. We have offered to make payments, but they won't hook us back up until we are paid off in full. I am afraid to make payments, I am afraid that the bill will continue to grow, and we will never be paid off. They are disconnecting our water tomorrow. I don't owe ANYTHING for water, other than this months bill. They are cutting the water until they get $2000 for the GAS. Does this sound like black mail to you? It does to me.
Once the water is cut, we have to place the girls elsewhere. Not only can we NOT live here without water, but the Children's Aid will take them if they find out. I can NOT imagine a Christmas without my kids.
We have phoned the mayors office. He can't/won't help. We have phoned everyone. EVERYONE. Does anyone have a number for God?


P.S. After some digging, I did find some paper work from the gas company. The numbers do not match, and the amounts owing for the addresses in question are not the same as what the gas company claimed today. I also found one reciept for a payment not credited to me. I think that is all coming too late. The lady that Hubby spoke with today advised us to pay the bill in full, and then they would re-evaluate what we owe. They would be more than happy to reimburse us after the fact.
I think that it's too late anyway. The gas is already cut, and the water is going first thing in the morning. Keep your fingers crossed, guys. I could use some happy thoughts.

It just keeps getting better around here. I just got a bill for $3206.88 from the gas company. They didn't even give me a chance to make payments or explain. Nothing. The gas has already been cut, so now we have no heat, and no hot water. Just in time for Christmas.
I don't even know how I"ll tell KK and J. Who cares about fucking Christmas gifts when you have no heat? We lived for over a year boiling water in a pot for hot water, and I can't do it again. It took me 2 months to pay off the $1200 that we owed hydro. This will take us 4 or 5 months, and in the meantime - no hot water or heat.
I may not be around for awhile, guys. This is something that I just can't deal with right now. Sorry about the language. If I'm not back before, have a good holiday.
Bridget
I just read the fine print. Tomorrow the water gets cut. With no water, the kids can't live here. If Children's Aid finds out, they'll take them away. Merry Christmas, kids.

Crushed

Who remembers my crush tag? Anyone? Everyone? Scroll down, it's still on the page. I wrote about a few of my crushes, including my 7 yr old crush, Dennis Fanti. Normally, I change the names a bit (like I did in my weird job post, except for Rick the Creepy Morgue guy), but I thought that one name from 30 years ago....Who'll ever know?
Dennis will, cuz he just e mailed me. Yup, the one that I desribed as "hot, in a 7 yr old kinda way." I could DIE.
I'll let you know what happens next................................

My former MIL is coming over today. I love it when she comes over. It seems like we don't get enough time together. Isn't it always that way with the people that you love?