If you are reading this on Tuesday, then KC and I will be walking from HERE To Here.
This is where we will be spending the better part of our day.

Wish us luck.

Thanks for all of the e mails and comments. My bi polar has gotten the best of me lately, and I am struggling to do the day to day stuff - even bathing has been a chore. I see my shrink on February 7th, and I am just trying to hang in until then.

I have court on Tuesday, with KC and Shawn. This should be interesting. We have all been subpoenaed to give evidence in the robbery assault that happened in December 2006. (Shawn and KC were assaulted and robbed by a cabbie). On my best days I can't talk in front of strangers, in a crowded room. I have no idea how I am going to handle this. I am not coping well right now, and I am afraid of having a full blown panic attack in the court room. (Ok, deep breaths.....) If I feel myself going down, I'm gonna scream 'It's The Big One !'

I will, I swear.

I am nothing of not entertaining.

Jessica is feeling better, and her weight has held steady at a mighty 94 lbs. I am buying a blender asap and making that kid shakes. She needs to pack the weight on (and no, we can't donate any..I already asked) so that the next time she gets a little flu bug, she doesn't fold like a K-Mart lawn chair. We have enough of that for the time being.

Shawn has promised to take me out this afternoon, so I should get my butt in gear. It is cold out, and we are soo close to broke, but I NEED to get out for awhile. It might take my mind off of the ordeal that awaits us on Tuesday.

Thanks for waiting for me. I'll be back soon.

Biddie

Survivor Meme

Katy, over at Her Indoors, tagged me with a meme. It's a relief, really, because I have been feeling very down, and I just couldn't think of anything to blog.

So, I guess that I need to list 25 things that I NEED, and 5 things that I WANT. This is my chance to communicate my own needs as a survivor (of abuse). I think that this will be good for me.

1. I need PEACE. Peace in my heart, in my mind, and in my home.

2. I need my meds. It seems so simple, but I am still waiting to see my shrink, and the wait is incredibly long and painful.

3. I need to realize that staying away from people that are toxic - even if you love them - is the best thing for me, and my family.

4. I need to work on my self esteem.

5. I need to spend more time with people that I love and that love me back.

6. I need to write more.

7. I need to be hugged.

8. I need more sleep.

9. I need to remember that children are not responsible for the actions of the adults around them.

10. I need to stop blaming myself for some things.

11. I need to visit my sister.

12. I need to forgive myself.

13. I need to forgive others.

14. I need to stop pretending.

15. I need Ruby.

16. I need to spend more time with my girls.

17. I need to feel like I am not alone.

18. I need friends.

19. I need to feel normal.

20. I need to leave my house more often.

21. I need to do things for others. It makes me feel great.

22. I need my jammie pants.

23. I need Shawn

24. I need new contacts and glasses.

25. I need to feel secure.


Now, for the list of WANTS.

1. I want to be happy again.

2. I want for my loved ones to be safe.

3. I want a cure for diabetes.

4. I want enough money to get by every month.

5. I want a ring on my finger.

That was actually much easier than I thought it would be. Apparently, I have a lot of needs :)

I know that most of blog buddies don't care much for meme's, so I will just ask that anyone that wants to can do their own. I'm glad that I did this. It feels good to share with you all.

A Letter From Nan

The Happy Couple

GOWAN - Cosmetics

I have been thinking of my BFF in Nova Scotia a lot lately. Maybe it's the spring - like conditions that have me thinking of Nova Scotia. I always miss the Atlantic Ocean so much more in the spring.
Maybe it's just 80's nostalgia.
Whatever it is, I thought of this song today. Heather and I used to lay on the grass under a basement window, listening to a garage band play.
It is one of my favourite memories from my mis-spent youth.

It may have been mis-spent, but I wouldn't trade it, or my friendship with Heather for anything.

It looks like Bumble wins, hands down.

Thanks for helping.

This is the newest member of our family. He is actually KC's baby, not mine. (yeah, right)
Is he cute, or what?! Of course, Ruby is losing her mind. She is so jealous of the puppy. She's being good, though, sharing her toys and cookies. So far.
We have no idea what we want to name him. These are the options so far.

Elliot

Bumble

Bosco

Dasher

Oscar.

What we want you all to do is vote on the name that you like best. Have one that you like better? Let us know. Right now, the poor little baby is nameless :(

I was in the middle of a long, thought provoking post, when the blasted internet closed on me. I hate when that happens!



Since my family got ripped on the whole Christmas Holiday thing, I am soo far behind. I have been dying to tell you all about my favourite gifts! There were jammie pants (I live in them ), and a new purse, and of course, you all saw my Laverne and Shirley tree ornament.



What I didn't get a chance to tell you about was this. My very first Royal Dalton.
Betty collects them, and ever since I was a little kid, I have wanted some of my own.
This Christmas, my former MIL, Lynn, gave me this one.

She has a collection left to her by her mom (she lives in a nursing home). Ever since Lynn was a little girl, she dreamed of passing the collection on to her daughter. Well, she had three sons. She gave me this figurine on Christmas Day, and said that I am only person that she has ever wanted to give this to.

I DIDN'T cry, but it was close. With all of the stuff going on, I knew that if I started crying, I would never stop.

Can you believe it?

This was another of my favourite gifts. (Yes, I know that the photo is upside down. Sigh. I suck)

Bumble Slippers!

KC's bf, Spencer gave them to me. I love them so much that I am not even going to wear them. I seem to have a small Bumble collection now, and I am going to put them with the others.

Are these cool, or WHAT?

Boxing Day was awesome, too. The Heidi family came to the hospital, and we had the whole cafeteria to ourselves. It was like renting a community centre, but for free! It was nice, because there were no distractions, and I got to spend time with Bucky and The Girl. It was just what I needed. I laughed like I have haven't laughed in ages.

Gabriel and Gaby stopped by, too. I LOVE Gaby. She has the most beautiful smile. She plays Gabriels straight man, and I could watch them all day. Honestly, it made my day, having my new friends, and my 'old' friends with me.

I think that the highlight of the day was when Heidi opened her POTC birthday card, and stood on a chair to do a little dance to the music. Jethro turned about 1o shades of red. It was a great day.

It wasn't a bad Christmas after all.

For Chellie

I have posted sooo many photos of Ruby, but since Chellie asked, here are some more.

You all know that I jump at the chance to show off my baby!

Home At Last

It's true. Jessica is home. I think that the phone call I made in the middle of the night saying that I was ready to sign my daughter out might have helped things along. I was a bit upset when Shawn had to walk home in -18 weather at 1:30 in the morning. Jessica woke up to being moved into a larger room - BUT since there was a teen age girl in there with Jess, he wasn't allowed to stay.

We all more than ready for her to come home. All they were doing was playing with her insulin levels. I think that her doctor will hit the roof when he finds out what has been done. It is all such a mess. They tried to fix in a couple of days what we have been working on for 10 years. I wonder if they even read her phone book sized file?

Anyway, her weight is up, her vital signs are stable, and she is home.

You know what else?

She's smiling again :)

This was taken last week, on Christmas Day. Jessica had a day pass, and we brought her home for our family dinner and to open gifts. Look at that smile.

I wish that she was doing more of that.

She might be home the day after tomorrow. Her vital signs are stable (well, more so) but her blood sugar is all over the place. They keep changing and tweaking it, trying to figure out why she is still high or low. I have news for them. This is how it has been for 10 years. There is no rhyme or reason some days, that is just how it is.

Her regular doctor is gone, so we might have to wait until he comes back before she can come home.

Shawn is at the hospital again with her, for the night. He is so good about these things. I don't know what I would do without him some days.

Thanks for coming back everyday. It means alot :)

****************************************************

Ok. It is 1 am. I just got a phone call from Shawn. Jessie is getting a roommate, and Shawn is walking home from the hospital. Her room is a single, and with an extra bed, there is no room for him. The extra bed takes up so much room that you can't open the door all of the way.

I am so fed up. I am done. Jessie will wake up, and she will be alone. I don't know what I will do, because there is literally NO PLACE for me sit with her tomorrow. Seriously. She had a roomie yesterday, and I got her moved. It was horrible. I don't mind sharing, but can we share a room that is meant for two kids? Maybe I am being unreasonable....I am just tired. This has been the worst Christmas holiday EVER and I want my baby home, NOW.

Jessica is so depressed that I am worried about her. I can't imagine why.

If her doctor were here, she would already be home.

I can not leave my daughter at that place for one more night.

I just want her home.

Wanna hear some GOOD news?

Jessie gained some weight, and her blood pressure was normal when I left today. Shawn is spending the night at the hospital with her, because she is getting depressed.

That means that I have the whole bed to myself, and I just might get more than 5 hours sleep tonight! Whoo Hoo!

Small victories, friends!

P.S. Thanks for all of the kind words. I am just too tired at the end of the day to answer all of the comments. You guys all rock :)

For Bucky

These photos are kind of grainy, I'll have to get Kayla to take more. In the meantime, here's Buddy. Remember him now?

Thanks for hanging in there. I know that I have been a bit rant-y and cranky lately.

I slept about 5 hours last night, and I spent the day with Jess. I am so exhausted.

Big time.

I spoke with her doctor today, and things are not looking good. Jessica's vital signs are unstable, and she needs to gain weight. Her blood sugars are great, thank goodness. Her fever is gone, but she still has tummy pains. She says that she is just not hungry.

I don't know what to do. If she doesn't eat, she won't regain any weight. If she doesn't gain weight, then her vital signs won't improve, and she won't be allowed to come home. I would be very surprised if she comes this week at all.

She has a new doctor this week. Her regular guy is on vacation, so she is seeing someone else. Of course, the buzz word for the day is EATING DISORDER.

I am so frustrated. I want the doctors to look beyond that. I do not think that she has a disorder. I really, honestly, don't.

The days are long and lonely for her, and she is becoming depressed. Of course, that in itself is another red flag for an eating disorder. There is no telling the doctors that she is bummed because she has spent almost all of her Christmas Holidays at the hospital, hooked up to an IV.
The longer that she sits in that room, the worse she feels. You can only watch so many movies and read so many magazines.

I want to badly to bring my baby home. More than anything, I just want her here with us again.

I am drinking. No, I am not drunk yet, but I am on my way. Why not? It's New Years Eve, and I have had a bad week.

We had to leave our baby at the hospital, and then we came home to Ruby, Porky, and our little house guest, The Pug. Ruby is thrilled to bits, and they have barely sat still. Kayla thinks that she will have a peaceful night with the two dogs in her room with her. LMAO!

Yeah, right.

So, anyway, this is really more of a vent or a rant than an actual post. Sorry.

I am so tired of people that are not involved in my life telling me (or my kids) what it is that I am doing wrong.

KC had someone tell her today WHY Jessie is sick.

Oh, THANK GOD! Thank you, your excellencey. We were all wondering why.

Acorrding to this person, if I did not feed Jessica so much SUGAR, she would be fine.

Never mind that this person has not seen her in about 2 years. Oh yeah, and this person also told KC that you don't do carb counting. That is WRONG.

Whew. Thank GOD that this person has it all figured out. I was getting worried!

Ok, asshat. Let me set you straight.

We count CARBS. That means that Jessie gets a certain amount of insulin according to her bg and the carbs that she is taking in with each meal/snack.

Jessica has had nearly perfect blood sugars since her last hospital visit. Even at home. Her blood sugar is better than ever, so that is not the issue.

I am not perfect, but PLEASE, give me the benefit of the doubt. I am not a bad mom. I take good care of my baby. We do not have a lot of money, but I do the best that I can. I am tired of being judged by someone that has never had any real hardship.

In fact, asshat, PISS off. I have done ok without you. Keep your opinions to yourself. Jessie needs people in her corner that care for her, not negative crap to bring her down.

In completely unrelated news - I can no longer feel my lips.

Just sayin.

Ok. well. that feels better.

In all honesty, I have been crying alot. I am worried sick about my little girl. I wish that I had a family to help, or lean on. I wish that my Dad were here, because things really would be different. I wish that she had a bio dad that gave two shits about her.

I am tired. I am scared. I know that God is listening, but is He really HEARING me? I just want my little girl home. I want my family whole again. My WHOLE family to be whole again.

Ok. I am gonna go. It is ..OMG after 2 am and I need to be at the hospital early.

Christmas Photos

It's been a craptastic week. I won't lie about that. Jessica spent Christmas Eve in the hospital, and it looks as though she will be there for New Years, too. We have had some good moments, though. We opened a couple of gifts on Christmas Eve, in Jessie's room. I can't recall what she is looking at here, but even with that IV in her arm, she is smiling. This is Kayla's happy face. It's true. She loves her new purse.
Gramma cried a bit when she opened her gift....A photo frame with a montage of happy family memories. She had a bit of a fall a few days earlier, so she is a bit beat up here. Still smiling, though.
KC in the new jammies that Spencer gave her.
Kayla and Jessica. They look like they are tired of having their pictures taken by now. You can see from the hand with the camera, that it does not deter a happy Gramma and Mom.
What a week it has been! We managed to have a wonderful Christmas, in spite of Jessica's illness. Boxing Day we spent with the Heidi family, in the cafeteria of the hospital. It was a lot of fun, and there were no distractions. Gabriel and Gaby stopped by, and Heidi and Jethro got to meet them. It was a great day, all in all, except for saying good bye to my baby at the end of the day.

I thought that we were home free when Jessica came home on Thursday afternoon. She seemed fine, but by Saturday evening, I knew that was too sick to stay home.....

Tonight, she is still feeling yucky, and when I left, she was thinking that she was going to start vomitting again. Her fever has been up and down all day, and she is still on the IV. The doctors and the nurses keep saying that it is just a bad flu, but it seeems way worse to me. I haven't seen her this sick in years.

It's hard to stay positive. There have been alot of tears. Mine, Kayla's KC's, and Jessica's. I hate that Jessica is feeling this way, and I hate leaving her at night. I can't help but wonder WHY. When is enough ENOUGH?

Shawn and I just got home from the hospital. Jessie got sick again last night, and started vomitting, and she has a fever. We were there all night.

I have no idea what is going on with my daughter. I am too scared to even think of the possibilities. It seems much worse than a flu. Her doctor thought that she had an eating disorder, but he ruled that out before we brought her home on Thursday. I knew that she didn't, but the doctor was convinced.....Well, she doesn't have a disorder, and this is not something that she is doing to herself.

We all went to the movies yesterday, and she was fine. She ate popcorn, and joked around and seemed to have a good time. We got home around 6:30, and she said that her tummy hurt. By 7, she hadn't eaten any supper, and I was on the phone with the on call doctor. As I was on the phone with him, she started getting sick, and he decided to bring her right in (she was admitted) and hook her up to an IV.

We stayed the night with her, partly out of concern, and partly because we couldn't get a late bus home. When I left this morning, she was no longer vomitting, but had a low grade fever, and was in pain.

I guess that I am just rambling at this point. I am at a loss, and I am heartbroken that my baby has had to spend most of her Christmas break in the hospital.

I have to go. I am going to try to catch some ZZZZ's, and then shower and head back.

Later.

Jessica is home, safe and sound. We still don't know how/why she got so sick so fast. I'm just glad to have her back.

I'll tell you more, later. Might even have some photos to post. Right now, though, I am going to get caught up on some sleep.

Later :)

Home For The Day!!!!

As we were packing up our gear to head off to the hospital, we recieved a surprise phone call, from Jessie. The doctor had removed heer IV and was giving her a day pass!

Jessica is home for the day! Whoo Hoo! Her weight is increasing, daily, and she is smiling more :) We opened our gifts, and had lunch, at home. Gramma is on her way over, and the family is whole again.

Tomorrow, we will have our Christmas with the Heidi family, and we will take over a wing of the hospital, if we have to. Just let them try to stop me.

A big thank you to to all of my friends, who have been incredibly supportive, in so many ways.

A super big thank you to Gabriel, Gabby and family, for the sweet treats that were waiting for us when we got home last night. We'll be at the hospital tomorrow, if you want to stop by and visit. :)

I am so overwhelmed by the out pouring of love and concern.

Jessica is in better spirits, and has some colour back in her cheeks. She has actually regained 4 pounds already, thank goodness. She is not thrilled about spending the holidays in the hospital, but she is dealing with it. We will all wear our pj's to the hospital tomorrow morning, and we will have a ham dinner in her room. Christmas is where you make it, where the family is, and we will be with her.

Hopefully, she can have her IV taken out tonight, and we can take her home soon. I'll let you know as soon as I do.

Thanks, for everything.

Biddie

So....Jessica is not going to be home for Christmas. I haven't been to the hospital yet, but I called. She is eating, and that's good, but she lost 7 pounds.

It seems like she caught a bad flu bug. She started vomitting at 6 am and by 11 she was so dehydrated that she could barely walk. When we saw the doctor on Friday, he was very pleased with her progress, and by Sunday morning she was down to 83 pounds.

I think that she will be in for a few days, to get her weight back up again. I really don't mind, I want her healthy. I just hate the thought of Jessie waking up Christmas morning in a hospital room. We will take Christmas to Jessica, turkey and all if that's what we need to do. I just wish that we didn't have to.

Thanks for thinking of us, I'll update you as soon as I can. I am late today though (couldn't sleep) and I need to get moving!

Later.

Jessie is very sick again. Not sure why, but we are on our way to the hospital.

Might have to put Christmas on hold. Keep your fingers crossed.

So, Jessica saw her doctor on Friday. She has not gained any weight, but she hasn't lost any, either. That is reason enough to celebrate.

I decided to post some photos of my favourite Christmas ornaments, hoping that I will feel more of the Christmas spirit if I do.

These are my animated ones. I only have three, and the Laverne and Shirley one is a gift from TMOC and Lovely, my brother and sister in law. Of course, I opened my gifts early. I always do when he sends me stuff. I just can't help myself.

Christmas Day promises to be wonderful. We are having the girls grandma over for dinner, my dear friend and former MIL, Lynn. We all get along great, and she and Shawn have a better relationship that most 'real' mom's and son's.

Boxing Day Heidi and her family are coming over, so that we can celebrate our family Christmas. I love spending time with Heidi and Jethro. They have been more like family to me than those that share my name or a blood line. It has been like that forever. You know that Ruby is dying to see The Pug, too. I plan on taking tons of photos of the chaos - 5 kids, 3 dogs, and 4 parents. I can't wait!

I hope that all of my blog buddies out there get to spend time with their loved ones, and have a joyous and wonderful holiday. That is what Christmas is all about.

I am back! Whoo hoo! I will be later, or tomorrow. We'll talk.

Can't wait to get caught up.

Last Friday Jessica had an appointment with her doctor. We were going every week, and she was doing so well that the doctor scheduled her next appointment for a whole 4 weeks later, instead of one. We were feeling pretty good about that. Her cheeks have filled out again, and she is looking much better.


Imagine our surprise, then, when discovered that she had LOST 3.5 pounds. That is alot when you are already at least 20 pounds lighter than the doctor would like. We are shocked, and dismayed, to say the least. Her blood sugar, has improved, overall. Her monitor is working, and she is doing all of her injections. I am not sure what else we can do. At this point, all I can think of is those nutrional supplements, that come in a can, like Boost, or Ensure. She needs to gain weight, in a healthy way.
I found out that her insulin isn't covered by my plan, either. The powers that be have suggested changing insulins, to a cheaper one. That is not an option for me. Changing insulin means changing her whole life style. I just can't see that helping. She would have to stick to a strict schedule, and that would only depress her more. Plus, the insulin that she is on now is just plain better.

We go back to see her doctor on December 21 st. I am hoping that she has gained enough weight by then. If she has lost anymore, then the doctor will put her back in the hospital, just in time for Christmas.

I wish that I had a magic wand that make everything better.

Special Delivery!

Some of you may recognize the people in this photo. (and others may recognize my cluttered livingroom. I swear, I thought that it looked better before I saw it in the picture) Oh, I have to tell you that most cameras add 10 pounds, right? Not mine. It adds 20.

Gabriel and his family (minus Juan) dropped off a cake for Jessica's birthday party. This is a cake that Gabby baked and decorated herself. She is so talented that she teaches a class at one of the local community centers. Her handiwork is amazing.

Check out this work of art! How can I cut it into pieces?
Look at the blue ribbon. How does she do it? I offered to be her taste tester anytime Gabby needs one. I doubt that is a problem for her though, with 5 willing helpers at home.

Once again, I have been reminded how lucky - indeed blessed - I am to have such thoughtful friends. Gabriel and Gabby were so kind to not only provide the cake, but they delivered it right to our door. They also brought us two Christmas cd's - one of which Gabriel sings on! I think that we are going to pop them in when we put up the tree.

I wish that they could have stayed longer. Shawn and I would like for them to stop again some time, so that we can thank them properly. I hope that they take us up on the offer.

NOT COVERED?!

I heard from the shrinks office today. His receptionist called me to give me an appointment - for February.

Ok. I can live with that because he has sent my Rx to the pharmacy, and I can start again ASAP.

I was elated. This is what I have been waiting for, afterall. I just want to get well enough to function and be happy.

The pharmacy called me, too.

Guess what they told me?

My meds are not covered by disability.

Yup.

So, now, with no appointment until February, I am right back where I started. My shrink is unlikely to prescribe me a diiferent drug, since he won't be able to monitor me for the first 2 months.

I am so done. I don't know what else to do.

I am either crying, or sleeping, or NOT sleeping, or just....taking up space. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I am following the rules, doing what they ask of me....It just doesn't seem to matter.

I'm going to bed. It's after 11:00 and I am tired. Well, honestly, I am always tired.

'Night.

I finally reached someone at the shrinks office today. Not the doc, but his receptionist. She has assured me that he WILL be calling, and I WILL be getting my meds.

Yay! I am hoping to hear form him before the end of the week.

Jessica goes for her check up on Friday morning. I am keeping my fingers crossed that she has actually gained weight. It's difficult to tell, because she is getting so darn tall! Her birthday is on the 16th, and she is having a party here on Saturday night.

I am so pumped about the thought of teenagers crawling all over my house for 2+ hours. Can't you tell?

I Feel A Rant Coming On............

ARGH! I am so pissed off.

I finally have the papers that I need to get my meds covered, and I can't reach my shrink!

Seriously. I have lost track of how many times I called. I have called everyday last week, and I left several messages. Today is Tuesday, and I have called no less than 5 times since yesterday. I have left at least 3 messages since then. No matter when I call, the phone always goes to voicemail.

I understand that Doctors are busy, but COME ON. My phone calls have not been returned once.

This doctor works FIVE hours a day in his office. On Wednesdays, he works from 11-3, with a one hour lunch break. I can see that he is very obviously over worked.

I need to start my meds all over again, because it has been so long since I have had any. I can understand that. The thing is that the last time I started my mood stabilizer, it made me feel like crap for the first two weeks. I remember talking to Heidi and Jethro on the phone, crying because I was bottoming out. It was better after the first couple of weeks. Then there was the other side effect.

Sleep.

You might think that this would not be a problem. Heck, normally sleeping is NOT something that I complain about. I LOVE to sleep.

What I do NOT love, however, is falling asleep sitting up. That's right. In the middle of a conversation, or watching tv, or even folding laundry.

Christmas will soon be here, and I do not want to spend it sleeping or crying because I feel like crap.

I think that I have been very patient here. I don't expect the doctor to drop everything to call me, but it has been weeks since he has contacted me.

I am at my witts end here. I don't know what else to do. I feel like calling him and letting know how angry I am, but if he won't return my calls when I am being polite, then I seriously doubt that a phone call from me dripping with sarcasim (They don't call me sarcastro for nothing) will help.

Has he dropped me as a patient? Doesn't he have to tell me if he has?

HELLO! He is the mental doctor for mental cases, for crying out loud! I feeling more and more mental by the minute.

Ok.

Any suggestions?

My good (blog)buddy, Canadian Flake gave me an award! You all know her, right? I hope so. If you haven't been over to her place, then this is your chance. Head on over and say hi.

I hope that I am deserving of this. I have 'met' so many wonderful people through this little blog that Heidi urged me to start. I feel blessed every day to know all of you.

I guess that I am supposed to pick 7 more people that are deserving of this award. That's difficult, because you have all been such good friends to me. Whether it has been offering advice, or giving me a shoulder to cry on, or just 'listening' to my rants, I could never ask for better friends.

Marni. I don't know where to start when it comes to Marni. She has called me at home, just to say hi and check in on me when she knows that I am feeling low. She has such a capacity for love and kindness. Marni is a true Georgia Peach. Stop by her place and say hi. I have a feeling that if you do, you'll be back - again and again.

CindyDianne. She has been a wonderful friend, too. She has called me, like Marni, just to see how I'm doing. She is sweet, and funny, and I cherish my friendship with her. Stop by and see her, too. You'll see what they mean about Southern Hospitality.

Her Indoors. (Katy) We haven't spoken in the phone, but we have exchanged cards, and letters. She is planning a trip to Canada next spring, and I looking forward to meeting her and Himself. She has 'listened' to me rant, and always finds a way to make me laugh. I dare you to stop by her place and not come away smiling.

Gabriel - Gabriel is a newer friend. I am not sure how I found him, but I am so glad that I did. When Jessica was in the hospital in October, he stopped by to say hi. This small gesture was something that I will always remember. He reached out to me when I needed a friend most. I can't wait to meet his wife, and their kids. He is an amazing person, in so many ways. Stop by his place and you'll see what I mean.

Debi. Where do I start? She is wonderful. We have become long distance friends, and I feel like I have known her my entire life. She is generous, and thoughtful, and has a way of making me feel good about myself. Everyone should have a friend like Debi.

Dilling. Last Christmas, when I was feeling down, a surprise package arrived in the mail. It was from Dilling. She had sent me one her photos, one of my favourites, and she made my day. It lifted my spirits and reminded me what Christmas was really about. I can't say enough about Dilling. She is passionate, and artistic, and has a big heart. She stands up for what she believes in, and I admire that greatly. In short, she rocks.

Gardenia. I am so blessed to be in her 'inner circle.' (Her blog is by invitation only) We have had long conversations about so many different topics! She is insightful, and loving, and I am so happy to be one of her blog buddies. She has helped me through some dark times.

Well, that is seven. I always hesitate to add Heidi to any of my lists, or awards, because we are best friends. We have been friends since highschool. We failed math together, and ate lunch together, and went to the sock hops in the gym every Friday. She is the Godmother of all 3 of my girls (she took over after Jessie and KC's Godparents seemed to lose interest) She has NEVER let me down. When my Dad died in 1999, she and Jethro (along with 2 small children) were in the air, flying home from England. The second that she heard what happened, she was at my side, jetlagged kids and all. She has supported all my choices, even the ridiculous ones, and listens to me rant, rave, whine and cry. In short, she is the best friend that you could ever ask for.

I would also like to mention some other friends. 4D has been a good friend, too. We have a lot in common, and it is good to have a friend that understands and doesn't judge. He may deny it, but he is a hell of a guy.

Christine is a good blogbuddy, too. I know that most of you have not stopped by her place, but I really think that you should. You will not be disappointed.

Whimsicalnbrainpan. Stop by her place. You will be forever changes when you see how incredible and courageous she is. She is good friend, too. She always has time for me, even with all that she is dealing with.

I didn't add Corky, because he already has this award. He is My American Cousin. Nuff said.

Tod? You rock, too. You know it. :)

I can't forget Camie Vog. She keeps promising to come and pick me up so that I visit with Beanie and Little Man - oh and her, too!

Well, in all honesty, ALL of my friends are the best. It was so hard to choose just 7. I do truly feel blessed to have met all of you. I wanted to pick each and evryone of you, because you have all touched my life in a postive way. Thanks for being there.

Biddie

7 Things About Me

Marni tagged me awhile back to tell you 7 things about me that you do not know. I really don't know if that's possible.

Seriously. I have shared just about everything with you. So, I'll give it my best shot.

1. I dated twins. Oh yeah. They were supposedly identical, but trust me when I say that they were NOT.

2. One of my best friends in Nova Scotia (ok, it was one of the twins) and I 'borrowed' a car one night. He found it parked in a driveway, with the keys in it. It was a sign from a higher power that we should be out on the open road. We (he) drove for hours. We toured Dartmouth, then headed out on the highway. I think that we drove all night.
We actually drove it right back to the house where we 'found' it, and then walked home. I always wondered what the guy that owned it must have thought when he woke up and saw his dusty car was less one tank of gas.

3. I seldom drink alcohol, but when I do, I am over come with the urge to play Yahtzee. Apparently, I am somewhat competitive. I have been known to scream IN YOUR FACE, KOSTYALIK, in Shawns face, and I become a tad animated. Suffice it to say, that nobody will play with me anymore.

4. I love the Spice Girls. I do, and I am not ashamed.

5. The ring tone on my cell phone is the A-Team theme song. That's right, it is.

6. I am closer to my former mother in law than I am to either one of my mothers, or most of my other relatives. We decided a long time ago that her son was a scrub, but that had nothing to do with either one of us, and we are closer now than ever.

7. I had can do a wicked cool Xena impersonation. You know, the Warrior Princess? Well, I can do her call, perfectly. It would make Lucy Lawless proud as hell.

Well, that's all I can think of (that I am willing to share at this point in time). I don't know who to tag. I would like to hear 7 unknown facts about all of my blog buddies, so go ahead. I dare you.

So, I am here, hanging around, reading blogs and checking in on everyone. I had a WONDERFUL weekend, and I feel better in many ways than I have in months.

Truly.

I am still struggling with my depression, though. I don't know how many of you will understand this....I feel so GOOD, but still am bogged down in a deep depression. Does that make any sense to you?

So, I am here, but I am having a hard time getting it together. Be patient, please.

I'll be a regular visitor soon enough...Until then, I'm lurking.

Good, No, GREAT News!

I am on my way out the door to pick up my disability stubs. This means that I can get my meds.

I can get my meds.

I feel better already.

I'm back, again, and my village is finally up and running. The Christmas countdown is on!

This is Peterson's Park. See all of the kids skating and building snowmen? It looks like fun, doesn't it? I can almost smell the hotdogs that the little vendor is selling....

Here we are at the post office. This is a small town, and there aren't any mailer carriers. You have to go to the post office andpick the mail up. That's life in a small town.

Now we're at the flower shop. It looks so warm and inviting, doesn't it?

The barber shop. All of the oldtimers hang out there.

The pet shop. Of COURSE my village would have a pet shop. TMOC and my sil bought me this for Christmas a couple of years ago. I think that every town needs a petshop. When I was growing up in Smallburg, the closest thing that we had was BW Feed and Seed. It's just not the same.

Ah....my very favourite piece. The theatre. I think that Hairspray the musical is playing there now. I LOVE the way that the marquee lights change colour.

The grocery store. This is a little mom and pop operation, not a big box store. None of those in my town.

Now we're in the residential area. This little house reminds me of our house in Smallburg. Dunno why, really. Must be the small town feel.

This is the mayors house. It's so bright that it almost looks like it's on fire. I hope not. I haven't gotten around to putting up a firehall. Oops.

Now we're on the outskirts of town. This is Heidi's place. I'm not sure who the guy is doing the chores. He looks nothing like Jethro, and not much like The Boy, either. Maybe he's a hired hand?

I know that I have been gone for a week, and I know that I haven't even really been visiting any blogs, either. I have been sooo depressed. I am just going through a bad spell, I guess.

I did have a good time with my long lost friend last week, even though she was about three hours early. Yup, you heard me. Three hours. She got here about 2 minutes after my last post. The house was trashed. No, really, I know that you all think that I am exaggerating, but this place looked like Fred Sanford's living room. Seriously. I would not have been surprised to see Lamont coming strolling out of my kitchen. At least the place didn't stink. I mopped the floors before she got here, thank goodness. I am not sure if that covered up MY smell, however. I was all sweaty, and still in my jammies when she got here.

That's a real nice how-do-you-do after thirteen years.

Anyway, I don't think that she was TOO offended. She stayed for about three hours.

Shawn lost his job last week. I am not too worried, because he has a lot of working coming up in the next while. Paying our back rent every week is killing us, though. This past week, we had NO money for groceries. Shawn asked his mom if she would ask around and see if any of his (5) sisters could help us out. No money, just some food. Well, to my surprise, his dad comes by two days later, with a bag of food from his sister, A. She gave us some meat, and some bread, and coffee....I was shocked, but also very touched. I thought that it was very sweet thing to do.

So, last night, Shawn phoned A and thanked her for the food. He said something like ...I don't have any money, but if you need help moving, or with anything, give me a call. I would be happy to help.

Her response?

I want you to retile my bathroom.

WHAT!?%#@

She donates a bag of food and wants her freaking bathroom retiled? That is a HUGE job, and she would pay someone about $2000 to do it. I KNEW that it was too good to be true. Shawn has fixed her cars (s), drywalled her house, and done landscaping for her - for free - soo many times that I have lost count. I thought that maybe, just maybe, she was thinking of all of those times.

I guess not.

Anyway, another sister sent over a bag of dog food, and a couple of other things, and has asked for nothing in return.

I am feeling a little better. I have some good friends out there, and I know that they are pulling for me. That more than makes up for everything else.

So, I am back. Thanks for all of the emails and phone calls :) Everything is fine now. I kind of bottomed out there on the weekend. It's kind of scary when I do, because I just feel so hopeless.......

Anyway, I do feel a little better. I am still feeling icky with this cold. My house is TRASHED, and the worst news is - I still don't have my Christmas village set up.

That in itself is depressing.

I have a friend stopping by today that I haven't seen is 13 years.

Thirteen. That is alot of pressure, folks. The house is sooo wrecked, and I feel about as abad as the house looks. I am excited about seeing her, though. Plus, she's bringing coffee.

So, I'll be back later. I REALLY have to run.

Thanks for thinking of me. I'll be catching up with you all as soon as my coffee kicks in.

Biddie

After a phone call from Heidi, I feel a little better.

I think that today I am just gonna lay low.

Biddie

A person can only take so much. I think that I have reached that point.

I am done.

I don't give a shit about anything anymore.

It hurts too much, and it's pointless.

For your viewing pleasure...

Completely random shots from Hallowe'en. KC has more over at her place. Check them out.

I have lots of new friends on my blogroll, now, too. Why don't you drop by for a visit?

TheRecord.com - Local - Cruiser rammed in 401 chase

TheRecord.com - Local - Cruiser rammed in 401 chase


I am wondering what your opinions are on this. Do you think that these kids should face jail time? Does it matter if these kids are all under 18? Does it make a difference if none of the kids have ever been in trouble with the law before?

These teens and this subject have been discussed ALOT since we heard the news. Shawn and I have very different views on what we think the appropriate punishment should be.

let me know what you think.

TheRecord.com - CanadaWorld - Teens who hit cruiser face rash of charges

TheRecord.com - CanadaWorld - Teens who hit cruiser face rash of charges

Good News

Today is November 1st, and I am so pleased to be starting the month out with some good news.

I received a letter in the mail today, and it was the news that I have been waiting for.

It seems that I AM a person with a substantial disability, under the Ontario Disability Support Program.

No kidding.

This is not like waving a magic wand. I will NOT have my rent paid off, or see wads of cash. In fact, as long as Shawn is working I will not get money at all. That's ok by me.

Really, it is. The fact that I will be getting medical is benefits is reason enough for rejoicing. I will get all of meds covered, and I think that I will be able to get Jessica's cavities filled. too. I seriously doubt that it will cover her braces, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Ok. Deep breath.

I still have to meet with a worker here in my hometown, and there will be scads of paperwork and it maybe be another month of two before I see any benefits, but that's ok.

I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am hanging in there.