Things That Changed My Life Chapter Three: Critters

First Day

Today was Jessica`s first day of highschool. She has to wear a uniform, and you can see how thrilled she is.

Sigh....she is growing too fast for me.

Things That Changed My Life, Chapter 2

I couldn't talk about life changing events without talking about my sister. Some of you might thing that she is an obvious choice for this topic - if my brother changed my life, then my sister did, too.

Well, it isn't just about being my sister. It's more than that.

When I was 11, I found out from my Nannie (Betty's Mom) that I had a long lost sister. I guess that Lucky was supposed to be a family secret. My Nannie wasn't very good with secrets, and once she told me, I blew it all out of the water. I would not, could not, forget about my sister. In my minds eye, I could see her.....Beautiful, and funny, intelligent and kind, she would welcome me with open arms.

My search took many different pathways, and many, many years. I made phone calls, took out ads in newspapers, and once, I even did a radio interview. I was scared out of mind, but I keep thinking that this radio interview could change it all. It might help me find my sister.

It didn't. It would be another ten years until I got my first email from Lucky.

We seemed to hit it off right away. I found out that she was married, with 2 kids. Two kids! That made me an aunt. To say that I was overjoyed would be putting it mildly. I was beyond blissful....I honestly can't think of a way to describe my feelings.

Lucky and I made plans to meet in July of 2002. I had seen photos of Lucky, but even if I hadn't, I would have known her anywhere. She was everything that I had dreamed of since I was 11. No, that's not true, either. Lucky was extra, better, more, than I could have ever have fantasied about.

Lucky and I are as close as any two sisters. She has enriched my life in so many ways. I can tell her anything, and I do. If we lived close, we would always be together. As it is now, even though we live far apart, I don't feel faraway from her. All I need to do is pick up the phone, and my sister is there.

Lucky and I share many secrets, but she is no longer one of them. I think that I should call myself Lucky, for having her in my life.

I Love you, Kelly.

And Then He Kissed Me......

We finally made it to the SCI FI CON yesterday. Kayla, Cody and I stood in line for nearly an hour to get our tickets, but it was well worth it. We all had such a blast, we can't wait for next years festivities. I don't have all of the photos downloaded yet, but these are the highlights: Kayla's Chucky doll, signed by "Chucky" himself. Chucky was as surly in real life as he is in the movies - he was taller, though.
Kristy Swanson, the original "Buffy," with Kayla. She was sweet, talkative, and seemed to really enjoy her fans.
Kayla and Henry Winkler. What can I say about him? We LOVED him! Look at him moving in on Kayla there! He made her positively giddy,and, he said that it was a pleasure to meet me! What??! A pleasure to meet ME?? He took the words right out of my mouth! I had a whole dialogue in my head while we were standing in line to meet him. Oh yeah, I was gonna be all cool and talk about his work....Yeah, right. I stammered something about ...well, I can't remember actually. What I do recall is that he kissed me!
OMG!
To my credit, I did not scream ( I have a habit of freaking out when I meet celebs), but I thought that I might faint.
That may have made me unforgettable!
I also ran right into Shawnee Smith (Saw, Becker). I mean bumped right into her. Literally. Of course, I made a fool out of myself, but she was very gracious. I also saw Sid Haig, Tobe Hooper, Kate Mulgrew, Sean Astin, Rene O'Connor, Brent Spiner, and Wes Craven (although I couldn't get close enough to him for a photo). What's his name that plays Lex Luther on Smallville was there, too. I gotta say, with hair and eyebrows, he is HOT. Buzz Aldren was there, to, but they must have had him hidden behind a curtain like The Great Oz, cuz we couldn't find him. Photos with him were $200, a bit out of my price range.
Idol worship ain't cheap these days.
That's why I'm saving my pennies for next year.

Brotherly Love

Remember the post that I wrote about my brother ?

Well, he recently got his first home pc and I sent him his very first email.

‏
Me: So, you have an email now? Right on...Now you will never get rid of me :) Biddie x


TMOC: You are harder to lose than the ebola virus,but I love you.


Let`s hear it for brotherly love! LOL

Things That Changed My Life: Chapter One

Two things have gotten me thinking about my brother, TMOC. The 1st thing was the blog that I wrote about Betty. I was afraid that I made it sound as though I was angry with, or resentful of, my big brother, TMOC.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The second thing was Heidi's post about the things that changed her life. TMOC is right near the top of my list.

We were born 4 yeas apart, TMOC and I. I can't remember a time without him in my life. I love him so much that my first word was 'Deeb.'

My first sentence was, 'Deeb did it.' lol

We grew up as latch key kids, the kids of the 70's that spent afternoons alone while the parents worked. We spent a lot of time alone, because our Dad was a single working parent.

Poor TMOC! I was a pest - to say the least. I followed him everywhere. He really had no choice in the matter. As the eldest, he was expected to watch me while Dad was at work.

I spied on him, tattled on him and drove him beyond crazy.

He took me swimming, rode bikes with me, and sometimes, we went sledding together.

We fought, a lot. I seem to recollect smashing a tv. I am not certain if that happened during a game of Batman/Catwoman, or an altercation stemming from the fact that The Brady Bunch and The Odd Couple came on tv at the same time.

Honestly, he was an awesome brother. He even let me watch The Exorcist one night when I was about 8. For weeks afterwards, he would shake my bed at night and make frightening sounds that had me petrified of my own closet.

TMOC saved me from many a bully, too. Well, he had little choice. I would scream my brothers gonna beat you up!

I have lost count of how many times he saved my ass.

As we grew, we became even more close. I cried countless times when he was in Cape Breton, and I was here, in Ontario. Then I was sent to Nova Scotia, and he was here. I missed him so much. The best Christmas gift that I ever got was my brother. Betty sent him a plane ticket so that we could all be together.

TMOC and I are a lot alike. We both hate to be wrong, and we are both always right. When we clash, we really clash. I just can't make him understand that I am right.

He never lets me forget my faux pas and my blunders. That's ok, I can take it.

One of my fondest memories is of the night that Rudi and I were married. Jethro, Heidi, TMOC, Rudi and I were driving around in Jethro's van....TMOC telling Rudi that he really didn't like him very much, after all. Oh, then there was me asking Rudi to buy me a banana from the convenience store...On my wedding night.

When Rudi and I split up, TMOC and I spent even more time together. I would take the bus to Toronto,and hang with him for a few days. When he found out that Rudi had been hitting me, he offered to bust his legs.

Oh, I never took him up on the offer, but it was a nice thought :)

When he unexpectedly lost his job, he showed up at my place, unannounced. That was the way it was. He had a key for my house, just in case. I never wanted him to be locked out and alone.

He always took my phone calls, even if he was on a date, or I called at 3 am, or he was toiling away at work. Believe me, there were a lot of phone calls.

Of course, with TMOC married and living in another province, we don't get to see each other very often. It was difficult at first....He was ingrained in my life, I felt lost with out him.

I guess that if I have to pick something, or rather, someone, that changed my life, TMOC is at the top of the list. I can not imagine my childhood, my life, without him.

Here's to you, Steve, and I know that you did it!

Dane Cook - vicious circle - Brain Ninjas

Fresh prince of Belair - will smith and carlton

Cuz I needed a laugh :)

Jessica is doing better than ever. She lost 5 pounds, but since she has been so active this summer, it is probably just because of that.

Whew! We go back in another month, on the 15 of September (3 days before New Kids On The Block) to check her AIC and do routine blood work.

I can not tell you how relived we are!

Life is great.

Jessica

Jessica and I are going to the hospital to see her diabetic nurse and the social worker. I am a bit freaked out because we were just there last month and she was doing so much better than ever before.

The social worker doesn't mean anything, really, we see her every time that we go.....It's the visit in general that has me worried. I want Jessica to have a better year than she did this year....She became ill last October and it carried on into 2008. I am hoping that this school year she will excel in every possible way.

I am just questioning whether or not this is a check up, or there is more bad news waiting.

I'm not going to get any sleep tonight.

Oh, Canada.....
Not one single medal?

Longing

Most days, I can forget about the things that really bother me. The things that break my heart and tarnish my soul. After 39 years, I have just about perfected the act of overlooking my pain. Then, suddenly, something so silly, something mundane or obscure will bring memories flooding back, in a tidal wave of sadness. Today is one of those days.
Mum's backyard in Nova Scotia.




My cousin T took her neice to Nova Scotia for a week this summer. I wanted so badly to stow away with them, I miss the ocean and my friends more than words can articulate. I need to smell the ocean, I need to hug Heather tight, and meet her kids. I feel an urgency to visit all of my old haunts, and to spend a late night laughing with my brother and sister in law.
I try to put Betty and Stan out of mind. I usually do.


Then, T and her niece posted photos on facebook that maade my heart skip a beat and made me feel so melancholy that I am afraid that I will never be the same again.

My Mum and I have always had a noxious relationship. She has resented me from the day that I was born. She married my father to keep my older brother, TMOC out of a foster home, and because, back in 66, you just didn't live on your own with a kid. He was a way out for her, and he loved her more than life itself.

Stan, fishing in his yard.
By the time I was three, the marriage was over and my mum was gone, moved away with our next door neighbour, leaving four little kids without a parent...My aunt Josie, Betty's sister took care of me for about three weeks while my Dad got his life in order. My aunt Josie would later tell me that I cried for the whole three weeks, asking when my Mum was coming back.

She never did. I still saw most of her family, but I seldom saw Betty. When I did, it was usually a horrific visit. She would send me to my room for the slightest infraction ( drinking the last of the milk from my cereal bowl was an instant time out). I hated the apartment, I hated my step father (It would later be revealed that he had been abusing me most of my childhood), and I hated sharing Christmas with my new step brothers, the kids that used to live next door to me. She was gone so often that I couldn't tell the difference between her and my aunt Jackie.


Mum, in her kitchen August 2008


Worst of all, her visitation was hit and miss. I might not see her for weeks, or even months, and then she would reappear, just when I was finally adjusting to life without her.
She moved to Nova Scotia when I was 11, leaving me and TMOC behind.
I saw her twice in the years between 12 and 15. The summer of my 15 th year, I was sent to stay with her and Stan. I was angry, sullen and resentful.

It was a disaster.
Twenty days before I turned 16, I was sent on a 'visit' to her house. When I asked when I would coming home, my father informed me that I was now a permanent resident of Dartmouth.

I loved my Mum. I did. Her expectations were unattainable for me. Straight A's in school - something that I had never gotten in my life. I was expected to be something that I had never been...Her perfect, Miss Teen. The punked out teen that she picked up at the airport was not what she had envisioned.

Things only got worse....She and Stan had a drinking problem. They humiliated me at every turn. She thought that I was the little 3 year old that she had left all those years ago.
Hah. She could not have been more wrong.

On a warm June afternoon, I ran away from home,and never returned. I was 1o days shy of my 17 th birthday. I had all that I could take of the drinking, and the abuse. I was tired of hiding bruises and trying to be someone that I could never be.

Fast forward 20 + years, and nothing much has changed. We argue and then make up. We scream and cry and then profess our love for each other...Until now.

Betty refuses to speak with me. Or my kids. She does everything in the world for my brother, who can do no wrong in her eyes. No matter how badly he screws up, he has her undying love and affection. TMOC gets married and he is a
hero.

My 1st wedding she created a scene and almost ruined everything.

He finishes hair dressing school (she helped him out during that time) and he is big man on campus.

I graduted from my PSW course, second in the class with honours, and I don't even get a phone call.

My Dad dies and again, not so much as a phone call.

TMOC's bio Dad dies and Betty practically writes a novel telling everyone how great he was. She gave TMOC money to get to Ontario and payed his way for the whole trip.

TMOC and I get along very well, until we start discussing our parents. We actually stopped speaking for a year once, because of Betty.
Now? He is a frequent vacationer at her country home.

I had never even seen photos until my cousin posted her photos.
I had no idea that seeing those photos would bother me so much. I thought that I was dealing with the rejection just fine. I really thought that Betty was out of my head, finally.

The truth is, I am 39 and I still crave my Mums love, acceptance and affection. I see photos of her and it all comes flooding back.

I become that little 3 year old girl, yearning for her Mommy.
I doubt that will ever change.

I just need to find a way to live with it.

19 Years Ago.....................

Today is my anniversary. Well, it is in some alternate universe where Dumb Bridget is still married to Rudi.
That's right - 19 years ago today Rudi and I were married. I was 20 and he was even younger. We gave in to pressure from my family and decided to get married, because, we were, after all, living in sin with our toddler daughter.
It's a story that you have all heard before. From me, I mean. I have already told that story. Been there, done that.
What I was thinking of today was not the wedding itself, but how much my life has changed in the 19 years since I walked down that aisle, a 2o year old bride, full of hope.
It didn't take long for Rudi to pound the hope right out of me.

I am 39 now, twice divorced and once again, living in sin. We don't own our home, we owe money to everyone and their uncle, and we don't own much.

Rudi is married to the woman that he was cheating on me with. They are living un-happily ever after in Woodstock. They own 10+ acres of land, a big house, 2 Harleys and 3 cars. He is living his dream life in many ways. Well, he hasn't seen his own girls in years and his step kids, that lived with him for 15 years moved away and have little to do with him....Hmmm, maybe that IS part of his dream.

As I sit here, tonight, in my rented home, on a borrowed computer, with my butt on an old orange chair, I realize something.

This is where I want to be.

Rudi can have his toys and gadgets, his fancy cars and big house.

I have something that I had been looking for since I was 20 and I marched defiantly down the middle of my little church in Smallburg.

Real, honest, forever love.

Happy Unversary, Rudi, where ever you are.

Blah, Blah, Blah.................

I can't remember the last time that it was this long between posts. I still have no pc and I am still borrowing KC's laptop. She is less than thrilled, but I am jonesing big time for the internet and all of my friends!
I got a way cool award from CindyDianne, and I will pass it along soon. I am so jazzed about getting another award. I always feel as though I am not worthy, like all of my blog buddies deserve it more than I do.
Not much new around here. We are having some major construction on our street this month, and we had to have some yahoo from the city come in and do an 'inspection'
I say it like that because all he did was take a quick tour of the house and take one photo from each room. He didn't even go into all of the basement rooms, or the sunroom. For this, I fretted for days about someone coming in. Of course, that means that The Germanators think that they are going to be wandering around my house, too. Erwin showed up three hours before the inspection and tried to force his way in. These people refuse to respect out privacy and think that they can come in any time.
I didn't let him in.
I watched The Lost Boys 2- The Tribe on Tuesday. You know that I was at the store asap to pick up my copy. It was ok but I was disappointed, because, as usual, I expected too much. Angus Sutherland is a poor mans Keifer Sutherland and Corey Feldmans acting was just plain painful. Still, I got my vampire fix and it was a good distraction from the nosey Germanators.
Shawn and I went to see Dark Knight last week. He was calling it Dark Day and Knight, because it was so long. He also mentioned something about do pilates before hand, so that he wouldn't need medical help to get out of the seat after the movie. I think that I liked the previous one better.
Tonight is date night and I think that we might see Step Brothers.I have a sassy new hair cut and a wild new colour - vampire red. Time to paint the town red, I think. I might go for purple, next week. Gotta mix it up and keep Shawn on his toes.

Have a great weekend. Hope it rocks.

True to his word, Shawn took Kayla and I to see Mama Mia. I had a great time and knew most of the words to every song. Shhh, don`t tell, I think that Shawn did, too.
I loved the actors and they all gave it the old college try when it came to the soundtrack. I must admit, it was odd to see a former James Bond singing and dancing to ABBA.
I think that my favourite part of the whole night was when we getting ready to leave.
Three women that had been sitting in the row across from us were discussing the film, as they watched the credits roll. One woman turns to the other two and exclaims
Oh My Gawd. I totally knew that these songs all sounded like ABBA.
Nuff said. It made my night :)

I am back. Ish. I am on KC's laptop, which I really hate. It takes me twice as long to do anything and since it is not mine, I do always have access to it. I do right now, though, so I thought that I would stop by and get caught up.

We took Jessica to see her doctor on Monday. I hate going there. We usually get bad news, or at the very least, her doc is stern and we feel like crap when we leave.
Not this time! Jessica has made the most dramatic improvement that either the nurse or the doc has ever seen in just one month.

I can not even tell you how elated we all were when we left. Jessica has gained another two pounds since June. Her AIC (average blood sugars over a period of time, usually 3 months) is down FIVE percent!

I was so impressed that I let her go away for the rest of the week. She is vacationing in Fort Erie with her friend. Swimming, sun and fun are just what she needs to celebrate the good news.
Shawn and I are going out this weekend to look at a new tower for our computer. I think that I should be back on line by Saturday. I hope.

That's about it for now. I will try to pop by and see everyone. I tell ya, one day without my pc and I am a wreck!

This is KC writing to all my mom's dedicated fans.
My mom won't be online for a while and this is why. . .
Computer + Hard drive eating virus = massive computer crash and the purchase of a new computer hopefully within the next couple weeks.
If you need to talk to her you can email her and I can check the emails from Spencer's house.
Be back soon.

July 11 is a strange day for me. My Dad passed away on July 11th, 1999. I can recall vividly, most of the details of that day. The trip that I took to Detroit, and the phone call home at 10:11 that morning. I had a gut feeling that today was the day, and I called home to check on my Dad. He was eating KFC with my brother, and was more alert than he had been in days. My (step) mom assured me that he was fine, I had no reason to worry and that I should have a great time away with my friend an Geoff.

When we got home later that day, I had an incredible urge to see my Dad. It was nothing that I could explain, other than I just needed to see him. Geoff refused to either take me in the car, or watch the girls, and he went fishing, not even leaving me with bus fare. I cried for the remainder of the day. I knew that I had to get to my Dad.
I never did. He passed away that same night - at 10:11 pm.

I can recall much more, but I don't want to rehash it all. No need, really, because July 11 th is about more than just my Dad.

July 11th 1997, my sister, in Colorado, that I hadn't yet met, lost her Mom. On that day in 1999, while I was mourning my Dad, my sister, Lucky, was missing her Mom.

I found my sister in February, 2002. We connected immediately. She was everything that I knew she would be, and more. We made plans to meet that summer. Lucky called her travel agent, and a flight was booked.

I met my sister on July 11, 2002. Kayla and I waited anxiously for the sliding doors at the airport arrivals to open. My hands shook and my heart was racing wildly. When the doors finally opened to reveal my sister, my heart was beating like a drum. It was one of the defining moments of my life.

Before my Dad died, we had the opportunity to talk - to heal old wounds, to make amends, and to make promises. I promised to live my life the same way that I would if he were still here. To make him proud. I promised to do my best to reconcile with Betty, and to take care of his grand daughters (the light of his life).

He promised to watch over me, to let me know, somehow, someway, that he was ok. He also promised to send me my sister. He kept his word.

I have always wondered if it was a fluke that I met my sister on July 11th, or if there was a higher power, and two loving parents responsible.

Either way, today, I will be thinking of John, Joan, and Lucky.

NIMBY

You know, Not In My BackYard?
I have never really ever been one of those people - the people that think that their neighbourhood, their street, their community was too esteemed, or affluent to have 'those kinds of people' in their midst. Part of my childhood was spent in a place that was so much like Pleasantville that I nearly choked on the sugary goodness everyday.
I STILL never thought that I was ever going to be a Nimby-person.



Until a couple of weeks ago, when our street woke up to this. See that pink house? It is directly across the street from me. They had JUST finished painting the exterior of the house about two days before they were vandalised.

What does this have to do with NIMBY? Well, the perpetrators of this heinous crime live three doors away from me. In a group home.

Oh, sure, we knew about it. I figured live and let live. After all, I have no idea why any of the kids are there. Sometimes, circumstances beyond your control can send you spiralling and you end up somewhere that you never thought that you would be.

The kids started hanging out on the church steps, next door to us. One night, one of them slept on the church doorstep, much to my discontent. Still, we let them be.

Look what happens when we 'let them be.'

The worst part of this whole thing is that the church next to us was hit. Bad. Jessica and I cleaned the blue spray paint from the windows, but there was a big, bold R.I.P. Biggie Smalls blasted across the new stone steps.

Some of the mostly elderly congregation were afraid that a real gang was involved. All of the houses hit have had to recover from this with NO help from the jerks that are responsible. You know how I know that the group home kids did it?

Two reasons.
One kid was caught wearing a paint stained shirt when the police came, and
they kids were forced to apologize to the church members that were cleaning up the mess.

Mind you, they have not spoken one word to any of the other neighbours that have to use their own resources to take care of this mess, and they have not even offered to help anyone with the restoration.

So, am I a Nimby now?

On my street?

You bet.

Not feeling very chatty right now. Meds aren't working and it feels like life is passing me by.

Sigh.

Cupcakes, Indy and Laughter

I had a quiet birthday yesterday...KC cooked dinner and cleaned up, and I literally did nothing. Not a thing.

It was wonderful.


I got lots of awesome gifts, but this is one of my favourites...KC bought me this because she knows that a) I am a huge Harrison Ford/Han Solo/Indiana Jones fan
and
b) I am a huge dork.

It's ok, I can live with that. I am happy as heck to be a dork. He will go on my toy shelf next to my V action figure. I'm not sure how Indy feels about sharing shelf space with a lizard, but whatever. Kayla has her Sid Vicious action figure up on the shelf, too.

KC made me a cupcake cake. How cool is that? She spent a couple of hours baking decorating and cleaning. She made a wicked good pot roast, too.

Without complaining. That was the best part.

I had two phone calls last night. The first came from TMOC in Halifax. We talked for over an hour and laughed like little kids. He is one of the few people I know that shares my love of toys and action figures. Last year, for his birthday, I bought him a vintage G.I. Joe army vehicle. He squealed like a five year old meeting Santa for the first time. I swear, his hands were shaking when he pulled it out of the box.

This year, for my birthday, he sent me a Brady Bunch birthday card. How well does he know his little sister?

Then, just as I felt that my ear would fall off from all of the talking, my sister, Lucky called. She lives in Colorado, and we never get to see each other. As a matter of fact, we have only seen each other twice. I miss her like nobodies business. Of course, there was more laughter, and by the end of the night, my sides hurt from all of the laughing.

I haven't laughed that hard in....Well, for as long as I can remember. It was just what I needed. Laughter really IS good for the soul.
So are great friends and family.

The fun doesn't end there. Jethro and Heidi will be by in a week or so, and we will laugh again, and celebrate three birthdays. ( I suck so much that I haven't even mailed out The Girls gift, and she turned 14 at the end of May). Then, there is Bucky's birthday, in early July. Might as well do it all at once.

I wonder how big that cake will be?????

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. My friends rock.

Oh, and Heather? If I am 29, that makes you 28. :)

Mom's Birthday!

It's me KC, I broke into my mom's blogger account to show you a wicked cool picture of the cake I made her. It's a cake of cupcakes. I am actually impressed that I made that many cupcakes without burning them. Anyways, I won't make you wait anymore. Here are some pictures.

I'm sure my mom will fill you in on the rest of her day today, oh and don't forget she turned 29.

No More Monkey Suits For Another Year

Did everyone see that photo of my baby and Shawn? I am always in awe of Jessica's beauty. She takes my breath away.

And Shawn? Now you know why I can't keep my hands to myself!

Well, the graduations are done until next year, when it is Kayla's turn. Thank goodness. I cried like a baby at Jessica's. Held it in - almost at Kristy's. Another one would do me in. I need a year off.

It has been a bad week. I mean, the graduations were great. I have been a nightmare the past few days though. I know it. My mood swings are at an all time high. I haven't been this bad in ages. I feel like a shmuck. The girls, Shawn, and even the dogs have felt my wrath. I think that it may be time to discuss changing meds. I don't want my family to be afraid of me. Good Lord, the last thing that I want is for people to say things like...She is just like her mother - Hurricane Betty.

Think I am exaggerating? I'm not. Family members call her that. She blows in, makes a mess and blows out again.

Shudder.

KC and I did something today that made me more manic than depressed.

We got tickets to see New Kids On The Block in September.

Oh yes, we really did.

How exciting is that?

Couldn't you just pee you're so happy for me?

Know what the best part is? Shawn is coming with us. LOL. He made a promise to me that the next time that I went to a concert (cuz I am all the time rocking out to live music) he would go. He was probably hoping for Poison, or Judas Priest, or one of those school bands.

No such luck. September 18 th will mark our 7 th year together, too, so there is no way that he would bail on me.
I'll try not to swoon over Jordan Knight in front of Shawn. That would be bad form, especially on our anniversary :)

She's done grade school

Don't they look fabu?

Has anyone noticed that when Pepsi goes flat it tastes like pencil shavings?

Anyone?

Happy Fathers Day

I have had many Fathers Days without my Dad. It never seems to get any easier for me. He passed away in 1999 after living with a terminal illness for 10 years. He outlived the doctors dire diagnoses and expectations by 4+ years.

That was just him. Stubborn all the way. He got that from the Steeves side of the family. His Dad (passed away some 5 years ago ) and sister are the same way.

Thankfully, the stubborn streak skipped me and went straight to my kids. (Ahem, cough cough, Kayla)

My Dad wasn't just a Dad. He was a single Dad back in the days when only widowers raised their children. He was the first father in our region to win custody of his kids. Not that it matters much, but my brother had a different bio Dad (also one hell of a great man. I miss him almost as much as I miss my Dad). My Dad got custody of a kid that biologically wasn't even his. Unheard of 35 years ago.

We lived like 3 bachelors in many ways. My Dad was a great cook, but being the only parent in the house, he worked full time. He was security at concerts, he ran a hobby shop, he had his own towing business, and finally, he sold tombstones. (crap, I mean memorials. He always corrected me when I said that)

He took us to the drive in - I remember seeing Star Wars there. (It was where Toys R Us is now, Gabriel) and came to all of our school events. I can recall one time, when I was about 7, and I was in a Brownie troop. We were having a Mothers Day tea, and we made hats out of paper plates and tissue paper flowers. I waited and waited to hear from my Mum that she was coming. Of course, she didn't. So, my Dad filled in for her, as he always did. He proudly wore his paper bonnet and squished himself into the little chair. He was the only man there.

My Dad wasn't only a good Dad, he was a great son to my Nannie, and even to Betty's mom after they were divorced. He did everything for his mom, even though they had a strained relationship. You see, my Dad was raised in an orphanage, from the time he was 5 until he was 16. My grandparents divorced in 1939, and being a divorced woman was considered shameful. My Nannie had no help from her family, and it was impossible to keep my Dad while she worked full time. It just did not happen back then. They saw each other most weekends, but my Dad didn't come home again until he was 16. Still, he loved his mom.

When I was 10, my Dad met a woman who worked at Sears. He bought a watch battery from her, and they made a date. One date turned into another and another, and before I knew it, I had two new brothers and a sister. We moved out to Smallburg, and life would never be the same for me. There is alot that I can say about Mission Mary. You all know how I feel about her. She has not honoured my fathers wishes and has cut me out of the family, and the will. It is what it is. I will say this for her. When my Dad was sick - and I mean bedridden, and confused - she took wonderful care of him. My sister, Posh and my brother Mike, doted on him. Why not? He gave up alot to adopt them. He loved them, they loved him. ( I wish that I could say the same for my other brothers).

There are days when I STILL pick up the phone to call him. I hear a good joke and my first thought is - Dad would love this. When KC graduated from college, my mind was on my Dad and how proud he would be.

I miss him so much. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of him. Honestly. Every achievement that one of my girls has, every birthday, confirmation, graduation, is bitter sweet because my Dad should be here with us. I think of all of the things that have happened since he passed - a divorce, 4 babies born, two weddings, and all of the

family that we have since lost. I hate that he isn't here to share all of that with us. I hate that Jessica barely remembers him, and most of what she does remember is a man hooked up to an oxygen hose. I hate that he will never meet Shawn and that I can't tell him that I love him one more time.
Then, I remember that he was hooked up to that damn tank, for 4 years before he died. I see him, frail and breathless, in my memory, and I know that I am just being selfish.
In my heart he will always be Daddy. The man that raced stock cars, volunteered at the church,made the best BBQ ribs, and loved his kids. He will always be larger than life.
I miss you, Daddy, but I am glad that you are up there, somewhere, without that blasted hose, telling bad jokes with your Dad, your Mom (are they finally getting along?) your baby brother, and Lucky's Mom. He can breathe, and I believe that I will see him again someday. Until then, I love you, Daddy.


Happy Fathers Day, to my Dad and all of the other Dads out there.




John Joseph Steeves
January 15, 1934 - July 11, 1999

Yazoo - Nobody's diary

Sometimes, I worry that this is all I will ever be.

I have been either sleepy, or groggy the past few days and I have gotten very little done. Well, there was KC's graduation. I managed to get my arse out of bed for that.
It was almost the way that I had imagined, except that in my version, there would have been a huge cheering section made up of family and friends. We were told that each graduate could only have two guests, so we didn't even bring Kayla and Jessica. I wish that they could seen their big sister up there, walking across the stage with all of the pomp and circumstance.
It has been an interesting week, to say the least.
I found out that a family member had a baby...A baby that, because of the he-said-she-said game (and family politics) I will never get to hold. In all reality, I will only get to see her if we bump into each other on the street, like the strangers that we have become.
I am mourning the loss of another baby. There will be no firsts for this little one. I am heartbroken for my much loved family members that have lost something - someone - so precious.
I found a long lost love this week, too. Not that he was lost, really, but we lost touch right around the time that Shawn and I started dating. We dated off and on for a couple of years. It so tumultuous. We were either arguing and breaking up, or making up.
He asked me to marry him, finally, after Jessica was born. I turned him down, because I had to. I had to think of the girls.
My long lost love moved out west, leaving me here. It was a painful time, and I felt for years that I had made the wrong choice.
As it turns out, I did do the right thing. I have Shawn, who I love more than anyone, and he has a family of his own.
Still, I think of him from time to time...
We took Jessica to see the doc on Monday. Her AIC average over three months) has come waaay down, and she has gained another pound since she left the hospital. Small victories, but victories all the same. I am so glad that Shawn came to see the doc with us... Going to see the doctor now is like walking that long lonely walk to the gas chamber.
Well, maybe not like THAT, but definitely panic inducing. At least with Shawn there, I am not alone.
My biggest piss off about the whole thing? Jessica's doctor has a med student shadowing him. She seems nice enough, but I have never met her. After we discussed Jessica and her progress, Jessica's doctor asked me - in front of shadowing med student - about my mental health.
WTF?
I have no problem talking about my situation with the regular doc, but I am not going to discuss private matters with a stranger. Shawn and I left thrilled to bits about Jess, and fuming about the intrusion in our personal lives.
Sigh...
Other than that, I am sleeping, thinking of sleep, or waiting until I can go back to sleep. Lol. It;s okay though. This is just a phase.
That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

No Words Needed

I had an unexpected visitor today. Unfortunately, I missed her.
My blog buddy, Christine stopped by, with some plants for my garden. She had called yesterday, to ask of she could stop by today. Shawn took the call, I didn't even know that she called.

Yesterday was a rotten, awful, no good day. I seriously had an atomic panic attack when Shawn and I were out getting groceries. I sat on a curb by the grocery store, and cried for over an hour. I wish that I could say that was the worst of it, but sadly, it went downhill from there.

In all of the commotion, Shawn forgot that Christine called, and I pretty much went to bed when we got home. Today, I slept most of the day away, partly from my meds, partly from the shame and exhaustion of yesterday. When Christine showed up today, Shawn was taken by surprise, and didn't even invite her in.

I am soo sorry that I missed you, Christine! Thank you so much for the plants. You can't imagine how that gesture means to me, especially after yesterday. Please, come back again, and Shawn will bbq...

You're the best :)

Just Like Mom

Dunno why, but this made me think of Betty. At least I can laugh about it :)

Biddie Van Winkle

I started on my new dose of Seriquel last night. I am now taking 4x the amount that I was taking. It always knocks me on my ass when I start a higher dose..I woke up 11 am, fell asleep on the couch watching The Jeffersons, switched couches, fell asleep watching Sandford and Son, (noonish) and then I was up around 1 until 2:30. Went back to bed, got up at 4:09.

I have managed to stay awake since then. This will be the pattern for at least a few more days... I am so tired of being tired already. Somebody wake me up in time for KC's graduation this Wednesday, please?

My Name Is Bridget ALLEN

I sent away for a new birth certificate at the end of February. I paid an extra $10 for the 5 - 10 business days service.
It finally came - today. What is that? Four -ish months later?

Guess what? It had the WRONG name on it.

I am so mad, but who can I complain to?

I'm Baaack

I can't believe that I am finally here! I have been unable to comment, or write my own blog, or even check my email. I am still not sure what is going on, but Shawn found a way to get around the virus or whatever until we can find out what is happening.

There has been sooo much going here! Gah!

I have been to see Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull, and The Strangers. The Strangers was maybe not the best choice for us as we had someone try to break into our house about a week and a half ago. Scared the crap outta the kids, and kinda freaked me out, too. The dogs were barking non stop for about an hour before we finally figured out that someone was on our porch. I had gotten up about three times to look out the window and I saw nothing. I did hear some uber creepy whispering, but I couldn't decipher where it was coming from.

We could not get the dogs to shut up. It was Kayla that looked out the peep hole and saw a person shaking the door knob trying to get in. Shawn came to the door and screamed at her to leave, but she just kept trying to get in. She told us that she was Shawns girlfriend (oh really?) and then she was Scotts girlfriend. We threatened her, and she still wouldn't leave. Shawn opened the door and she actually tried to push her way past him.

Looking back on it now, I can chuckle a bit. Then? Not so much. She was obviously under the influence of something, and posed little threat to us, but I was afraid that she could have had a dirty needle on her. The good news is that the police were at our place within about 2 minutes of our calling.

The bad news? They didn't press charges because 'it's just Jackie'

I guess you can break in other peoples homes as long as you are drunk and or stoned.

All I know is, Jackie the Crackie had better not come backie.

Jessica is graduating from grade 8 on the 18th. The good news is that she is looking way healthier, and she feels great.

The bad news? She is a whopping 105 pounds and has outgrown her dress! I have no idea how on earth we will handle this....I hope that we get a surprise tax refund and I can buy her a new dress. I am just so thrilled that she is maintaining her weight!

We (read Shawn) have started on our home improvement project. He got a beautiful glass panel door for our front hallway, and my Aunt and Uncle gave me some paint - the same colour that we were looking at! We have some half inch thick real Italian marble floor tiles for the hallway that is stuck in a 70's time warp. The best of this? Everything is free! The door came from a job site - the homeowner was going to throw it in the garbage, and the tiles are leftover from another job site. I can't believe my luck.

Things have been ok on the work front. I am a bit frustrated because Shawn took two 'new' workers and they have slowed the projects down so much that Shawns pay has been cut by almost 2/3. I am not kidding. He starts a brand new project in the next day or two though,I doubt that he will much free time. Or money. I am already dreaming of ways to spend it :)

Ok, well, if everything goes as it should (knock on wood) I am back on line to stay! Give me a few days to catch up. The kids need to get caught up too, and the computer time will be limited for the next day or so. Jessica has over 100 emails that she has been able to read and will jumping for joy when she comes home and sees that we back on line!

Still here. We are having technical difficulties with our computer.
Back soon.

I know that I haven't been around much. I haven't been posting or commenting much, although I am still lurking a bit. Things have incredibly streesful and crazy around here, and I just seem to be in a funk.

A few days back, another of Shawns sisters was rushed to the hospital. She had two emergency transfusions, and we waited for tests to be done. Of course, we all imagined the worst. It turns out that Linda has an ulcer and is waaaay underweight. I think that she will be ok, but it scared the crap outta us. Shawns mom spent mothers day without one daughter and with another in the hospital.

I must admit, we had a great time at Shawns parents house on Sunday, though. Honestly, we had so much fun. This was the first family event that we have been at in ...... four years? Maybe longer. I laughed my ass off, and even the girls all had a good time.

Yesterday, I found out that one of my Dads cousins passed away last week. She was my Dads favourite cousin, and her parents were good to him when he was living in the orphanage for 10+ years. She was only 57, and I hadn't spoken to her in some time. The day before I found out, I had been talking with Kayla about her, and was planning on calling her. I feel awful. I wish that I hadn't lost contact with so many important people.

I am struggling with my depression more now than I have in a long time. I have been in contact with a social worker that is going to come right to my house. She will help me to deal with my shrink, and make sure that the next time I see him, I am actually heard. These 5 minute in-and-out visits only stress me out more. I think that this will help - big time.

So, that's all that has been happening with me. Still here, still kicking and still lurking. I will be back to my normal obnoxious self soon, I'm sure.
Biddie

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. 'What the Heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust'
cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker:....

'It's not talcum powder......

It's 'Miracle Grow'.'

Mental Illness and ME, A Post By Biddie

http://bigdustydude.blogspot.com/2008/03/mental-ilness-and-me-guest-post-by.html

This is a guest post that I did over at Shawns place. I needed to vent, but I wasn't ready to share my thoughts with the masses. It has been a few weeks now, and I reposting it. Just skip over it if you have already read it.

Am I The Only One That Finds This A Little Creepy?

We just got home. Sigh. We are all so tired. Thanks for thinking of us, I will write more later.

Biddie xx

Ok, I will be super quick, because it is almost midnight and I am trying to get stuff done.....I will be at the hospital for about 13 hours tomorrow, and I won't have time to write.

Not much change today. Jessica has a new monitor, new pen needles, and a new insulin regime. They will be checking her kidneys this time around, too. That is really all I know.

She is ok, just bored and lonely. I stay with her as long as I can, but, as she keeps reminding me, I am boring. We have been playing Wii, watching tv, walking the halls and playing board games. There isn't much else to do. I hope that her kidnesys are fine and we can take her home soon.

Thanks for praying and thinking of us.

Biddie xx

Jessica is sick again. She will be in the hospital about week her doctor thinks.

I just don't knowwhat else to say.

Advertising Gala

Photos from the gala. Shawn and KC. He looks angry, but he really isn't. This was about 5 minutes before he headed home for the evening. He was siiiick.
The three of us. I am not real happy with how I look, but Shawn and KC? Gorgeous.

KC and Spencer

Our fabulous table setting.
KC and Spencer again. I love this photo. And that dress? How beautiful is my daughter?
KC and Gramma. We wouldn't dream of celebrating something this big without Gramma. She rocks.

Mom and KC. Once again, I am not thrilled with the way that I look, but my kid? Amazing.

Oh, and did you notice my hair? Yes, I did get it cut and coloured, thank you. Kayla and I coloured it about three hours before I left for the gala. It is a deep burgundy, the closest that I have come to a wild colour since before I had my kids. I LOVE it.

I wore my tired and true dress. I am getting so sick of seeing myself in it. Honestly everytime we go to an event, I am in that damn dress.

I just can't believe that she is finished. It seems like just yesterday I was walking to to kindergarten class.

Sigh..............................................

I got some awards a couple of weeks ago. I did notice them, I was just busy dealing with the fallout from losing a family member. I have not forgotten, and I will take care of that asap.

We went to KC's semi formal last night. Shawn had to leave early, because he got soooo sick. I was bummed out about it, but what can you do? The night ended early anyway, because there must have been a cool house party going on somewhere. The DJ got paid for the whole night and left almost two hours early. Sweet deal for him.

KC looked fabu, and we had a really great time. I will post the photos when somebody that knows about these things comes home. I just figured out how to turn off my ipod, so don't expect any miracles here :)

Other than that, it is the same old same old.

Have a great weekend, everyone. See you on Monday.

Happy Birthday, Ruby Tuesday.

Today is Ruby Tuesdays second birthday. She is the 4 legged love of my life. She makes me get up even when I am tired or depressed, she makes me laugh, and she keeps me company when I too depressed to function. She just simply stays with me. I can't imagine life without her.

This week is KC's semi formal dinner to celebrate her grduation from college. Yikes. I do NOT do dresses, and I am freaking out about my hair. I need a cut, pronto, but I also need to pay for the tickets to the event and pay for Jessicas grad photos. Yup, she is graduating from grade 8 this year. The pictures turned out great, and of course, they are way too expensive. With a kid as good looking as Jessica, I have to buy a pile of them.

Shawn is not a worry. He had to buy a new suit for the funeral (he was a pallbearer) and it looks delicious. Hubba hubba. I want him to wear it the next time that we have the house to ourselves.....:)

Maybe I'll post photos of the big event. Well, I will get Kayla or KC to post the post photos.

Well, it is another gorgeous day here in my part of Ontario, so I think that I will go soak up the sun like Ruby and Bumble are doing.

Later...............................................................................

What a week. I am still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened. Remember when I said that one of Shawns sisters told me that she wanted things to change? She really meant it. They all seem to mean it.

It has been nearly 7 years of Shawns family not accepting me, picking on my kids, and making life hell. There were some sisters that were nice enough...N, and her husband W have always been nice enough. I even took the girls swimming at her house one time. It was a long time ago, because Mission Mary came with us. It must be three or four years ago. His eldest sis, K, was nice enough to me. I always suspected that it was because of the baby gifts that I sent her new born grandkids. She is close to moms age (both of them) so we have very little in common. Then there is Alex. She even gave me a birthday gift one year.

The real problems were with the three that always hung out together - Mona, Linda and Janet. I barely knew Janet, but because she was so close to the other two, she hated me. Janet and Linda kids picked on my kids. I do mean picked on. Lindas daughter came close to getting suspeneded in grade 8 for all of the grief that she caused Kayla.
Linda and I used to be next door neighbours. She actually encouraged me to ask Shawn out all those years ago. I guess that she thought that we would hang out a bit and that would be it. She never expected us to last.

Mona and I used to live in the same townhouse complex. Her son played wwith KC and Kayla when they were little. I bent over backwards for her. She was a single mom, and I knew what that struggle was like. I loaned her my cell phone when her youngest was a baby b/c she couldn't get a home phone. We babysat, we loaned her movies, and responded to frantic phone calls when she was having troubles with her boyfriend. I think that Shawn has helped her move three times - since we have been together.

It didn't matter. They all still hated me. I was never really sure why. I hadn't been rude, or intentionally hurtful to anyone. They just didn't want to let me in from the get go.

Mona and Linda made life hell for all of us, and Janet just went along for the ride.

Linda was the first one that I saw a change in. When we saw her at the hospital on the first day that Mary was admitted, I saw her crying. I just pulled her in close for a hug. What the heck else could I do? No matter what was said or done, this was no time for petty bulls shit.

Janet was the next one to freak me out. She spent about ten minutes chatting me up at the funeral home. I have not spent ten minutes talking to her in the past 7 years combined. I made her laugh, and I hugged her. It was all I could do.

Shawns mom referred to me as his wife, and the girls as his kids. In fact, the only time that I saw her smile was when Jessica came to the funeral home and gave her a big hug.

On Friday, Shawn went to see how his mom was doing. She put him right to work in the garden. Mona was there, and when she had a quiet moment, she approached him in the yard.

Now, this is the part that would have knocked me over if I had not been sitting already.

She apologized to Shawn. She apologized for being mean, for all of the problems that she has caused and for making problems for us....

When KC and went shopping later that day, we ran into Janet, Mona and Janets youngest daughter, A. (She is close to KC's age).

Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by a loud and happy "HI" from all three of them. These are the same people that would normally ignore us, or worse yet, mutter under their breath about me as I passed.

It seems that they are all so impressed by the way that I have handled myself since all of this has begun. I have been thanked, time and time again for all of the support that I have shown the family. Dunno why. That is just what you do. No big thing. We also got many compliments about the girls and the way that they behaved throughout all of this.

I am in shock. Seriously. I am so happy, but at the same time, I am afraid that it will all end. I really and truly want Shawn and his siblings be close again. His mom has just suffered the worst loss that anyone can suffer, and she deserves better.

Shawn is working with his brother this week, and there has been progress there, too. It just seems too good to be true...After 7 years of crap, can this be real?

To all my friends that have offered me support through this terrible time -

Today we laid Mary to rest. It was incredibly difficult. I know that funerals usually are, but this was much worse that I could have ever imagined.

Wednesday was the visitation. Shawn had to work, so KC and I went to the afternoon session alone. It was like walking into the lions den for us. My anxiety is like a crushing weight on my shoulders for little things, like grocery shopping. You can imagine what it was like to be in that funeral home amongst people that were less than thrilled to see me. I was pleasantly surprised though. The sisters that I thought would be a problem were welcoming. I felt united in grief with Shawns family. In fact, one sister even said that she was tired of all of the arguing and estrangment. She wants to see a change. So do I. I just wonder if it is possible.

One good thing may have come from all of this. Shawn has reconnected with Marys two sons. There was no estrangement, just life getting in the way of family. I think that may change now. It's too late for Mary, but we still have her sons.

I am trying to cope with all of this. There have been so many changes in one short week. We are all still reeling.

A good thing happened for me, too. Bio-Bettys sister came to the funeral today, to support Shawn and I. I am not very close to her family, mostly because I was raised by my father and Bio Betty had very little involvement in my life. Today I feel like maybe a positive change has made in that family too.

Why does it always take something like this to bring people back together?

Mary passed away at 5pm today. I really can't believe that it has only been 4 1/2 hours....It seems like a lifetime since we were all in that crowded lounge, overflowing with family, waiting for everyone to say their goodbyes.

I can not believe the incredible pain that Shawns Mom is feeling right now. This week, she will bury her second child. How much can one woman take?

I have been struggling the past couple of days to come up with something to say here. I have so much stuff swirling around my big empty head. I just don't know where to start.

My relationship with Shawns family has been tumultuous to say the least. We have a lot of history. I knew two of his sisters long before I knew Shawn. I lived next door to one, and in the same complex as another. My girls played with his niece and nephew. My brothers knew Shawn many years ago, when they were all still single crazy bachelors. You would think then, that our transition from friends to family would be smooth.
Yeah, well, you might think that, but you would be wrong.

There was resentment from the very start. I am not going to go into all of the gruesome details. Some of his family might stumble across my blog, and I don't want to cause any more pain.

Now that this horrible tragedy has befallen the family, we are all thrust together in small rooms and long hallways. I am sharing space with people that I know don't want me anywhere near their sister.

I am at a loss. I am going to be there, at the hospital, holding Shawns hand, talking to Mary, consoling his Mom.

Shawn is trying to remain calm, focused, and stoic. He hasn't fallen apart yet, even though one of the people that he loves most in this world is suffering intolerably.

Ah. All I am doing now is rambling. I'm sorry. I just need to vent. This whole situation is so fucked up. I have watched people wail, cry and scream at the injustice of it all, and find a way to make this all about them. I can't stand it.

Mary doesn't deserve this. Her husband, her sons, they don't deserve this.

Ok, well, I Have to get back up to the hospital. Some of the family might not want me there, but I am staying right by Shawns side.

I Need Your Prayers

Please pray for Shawns sister. She is only 53 and has had a stroke. She has major damage to her brain and her heart. It looks bad. If she survives, she will most likely be in a vegetative state.
This is Shawns favourite sister. She is a wonderful person, kind, generous, and always laughing. We are heartbroken and I ask that all of my friends pray for her.
Thank you, my friends.

Happy Birthday to my wonderful, incredible, sister, Lucky.
I thank God every day that we found each other.
Love you, and miss you much.
Biddie xxx

Proud Mommy

I am sure that Jessica will be mortified, but what the heck. I'm her mom, and I have bragging rights!

For the 2nd month in a row, Jessica has won the
Student Achievement Award
For her Consistent effort and the great example that she sets for other students.

Did I mention that it was TWO months in a row?

The Most Amazing Dog!

It is Tuesday, and I still have my cable/phone/internet. Whoo Hoo! Shawn called and asked The Powers That Be if they can wait until Friday for a half payment and then we will pay the rest next week. Now that he is back to work, and our rent situation is worked out, I am feeling hopeful again. I think that I might even start putting money away every week for My Trip. I started a fund loong ago, to pay for me to go to see my sister, or back home, to Nova Scotia. I actually feel like anything is possible. Mind you, I am bi polar,and that can change by the minute :)

I nearly forgot that yesterday was 10 years since Jessica was diagnosed. I can still remember that moment like it was just yesterday. She was just a chubby cheeked little three year old then.

So much has changed except for the fact that she is STILL insulin dependant.

Also, April is Autism Awarness Month

Autism is a neurological disorder that often affects communication skills. Nationwide, cases of the developmental disability are skyrocketing.
If you don't already know someone with autism, chances are you will eventually. It's estimated that every 21 seconds a child who will have autism is born.