Happy Holidays to all of my blog buddies. Hope you get all that your heart desires.

Biddie

Censored

RelentlessUncaringDerangedIndividual.
That is who is trying to censor me.

I did say trying, right?
I will not be censored, by you, or anyone else. I will say this again, and I will try to use itsy bitsy teeny tiny words so that you understand. Canada, is a FREE country. We all have something called freedom of expression. That means, in a nutshell, that we can can express our views without the threat of persecution.

My opinion is that an individual that would take the time to print out a copy of all of my previous blog posts, a person that has that much time invested into a relationship that no long exisits
just may have more mental health issues than Sybil.

Again, this is strictly MY opinion.

It does strike me as odd that a person that insists that he is SO over me calls the police, Children's Aid, the girls school, my MIL, and anyone else that he can simpy to stay involved in my life. He says that he hates me, yet he reads my blog like the bible and just can't seem to leave me alone.
He is either hung up on me, or completely deranged.

When a person calls the authorities because a comment was left on his blog (non threatening, btw) and he is embarrassed, it is laughable. Sad, too, if you think about it.

If I were married to a man (or woman) that spent this much time persuing his/his ex, I would be GONE. Sloppy seconds are NOT my style.

I would also like to remind people that when you are estranged from your child(ren) making their loved ones unhappy and causing problems for the other parent rarely ever helps to bridge the gap.

Anyway, my life is pretty good. Not much money, scary doctors appointment coming up, and the job prospects aren't so great, either.

I do however, have a cute lil house, awesome friends, and all of my children are cared for and accounted for. Oh, and a Hubby that may not be perfect, but he is hung on ME, not some ghost from his past.

I really couldn't hope for more.

Christmas Carols

Try it, you'll laugh :)

http://www.sundog.net/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf

First words spoken by my Mum to me in years...
Thank you, I love you too.

A Mother Remembered

My Mum is in town. Not Mission Mary, but Bio Betty, and her husband, Stan. I have known Stan since I was about 15 months old. I really can't remember a time without him in my life. Sort of . Most of my memories of either Betty or Stan are somewhat disjointed and fragmented. I can't really be certain about that day in pool was the same day that we went The African Lion Safari. When you are a wee kid and you miss your Mum, the days, hours and minutes seem endless. When you are apart the days feel like a run on sentence when you are missing her. Funny how our minds work when we are small. Mine still works differently then most, I think. I am convinced of it actually.

At any rate, my Mum is in town. I have not seen her in about 2 1/2 years, right around my 39 th birthday - or was it my 38th? Betty was in town for the funeral of her sister, my beloved Aunt Kaddy. We had numerous family get togethers - the funeral itself, the bbq's and reunions..I did try to speak with her once, but it just seemed to upset her more, so I refrained from any interaction with her - even when we sitting at a table for 5, with well, three other people.

Awkward.

I do love my Mum. She is a force of nature. Truly. Her temper is well known in the family, but what may not be equally as renowned is her compassion for her loved ones. Betty and Stan spend six solid weeks at the bedside of my Aunt Ferfie. Stan changed the bed sheets (and take my word for it when I say that my step father can change bed sheets faster, and better than any nurse of PSW out there). I also know that my Mum brews the best cuppa tea that you will ever drink. She can sew just about anything that she sets her mind too, using only the pattern in her minds eye. My girls have been the proud owners of many Halloween costumes made exclusively by Nannie. We still have fancy barbie doll quilts that were made by hand for a three year old KC. That three yr old is now almost 22 and can not bare to part with it.

I know just how she feels. I recently found a letter written to me by my Mum, in 1983. I was just 14 then, and I missed her tremendously.

It reads, in part:

Thanks for sending the geography test. You did really well. I'm so proud of you. Keep it up, dear. Also, keep sending your school work, I love to see it.

There it was, in black and blue, the words that I had longed to hear from her my whole life had been neatly tucked away in a hat box on my shelf..

but wait, there was more:

Thank God you are coming down in the summer. I miss you so much and you are so far away. I'm so lucky to have a daughter, especially one like you. We will spend so much time together. It will be just great. Now we both have something nice to look forward to.

and finally, the closing:

Well, Biddy girl, I must go now. Take care of yourself. Write soon. Don't forget, I love you.

Bye sweetheart,

Mum and Stan

26 years after than letter was written, we barely speak. My heart aches for her, and yet, she makes me so angry at times that I want to strangle her. The older that I get, the more I understand that so much of this is just growing pains. KC and I can fight like Tyson and Holyfield, but we have never missed a holiday, a birthday, Mothers Day...Kayla and I are more like cage fighters, and yet we still manage to laugh it off, even if does take a day or so.

I can't imagine my life without girls, all three of them. They drive me insane, make me laugh until I pee (I have been told that I am not alone in this, but I would never mention my Auntie by name). Sometimes I want to hide away from the world - and them, but the reality of it is - they are my world.

I wonder when Betty woke up and decided that she was moving on without me, and I wonder sometimes, if there is compass waiting to lead me to her.

My dear Uncle is gravely ill and on life support. Of course, Betty is here to help my Auntie, and I am sure that she will. I am equally as certain that she will ignore me as she always has.

This time, however, I will cling to the faded paper and the faded memories.

She may not recall the good times, but I do, and that may have to be enough.

Biddie Girl

Sadness is more or less like a head cold -

With patience, it passes.

Barbara Kingslover

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
- Mark Twain-

Keeping those words of wisdom in mind, I am (with the help of new found friends) adopting a family for Christmas. I`m not certain yet how I will do this..Shawn is still off of work, and we are struggling to pay our own bills and Christmas? I have no idea how I will pull that off for my family. My kids are older now though, and as long as we have a nice meal, I think that our Holiday will be complete. Not only that but my brother Steve is threatening to come see us early in the New Year.
Shawn had an appointment with a specialist on November 15 th - or so we thought. I should have checked the calendar earlier, because the 15 th was a Sunday.
Why were we confused? Maybe because the receptionist at the doctors office and Shawn`s doctor both told us that was the date. When we called last week to double check, we informed that the actual appointment was on the 2nd and we missed it.
Shawn had been waiting since April and this was more than just a disappointment. Initially, we were told that it would take another year to get in with the other doc. Thankfully, we will get in earlier, Feb 1 st. That still seems like a long way off but at least it isn`t a year away.
Instead of being pissed off, I am trying to focus on the positive - February is waay closer than November.
Life is alright otherwise. We are slowly getting settled, and I mean slowly. We still have boxes all over the main floor, and the shredded paper that we used for packing is multiplying. Seriously. It is everywhere. The dogs have it stuck to their paws and the cats seem to always have it hanging from their mouths. Lol.
The Christmas Village is still packed up. I am stumped about where to build it this year. I can`t even figure out where to put our tree. I have half a mind to put some of it Kayla and Jessica`s bathroom. Somehow, I doubt that they would approve.
Oh, I am thinking of doing some serious baking for the holidays too. I`ll let you
you know how that goes. Thank goodness we have the fire hall on speed dial.

Lest We Forget

In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the dead.

Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow ,

Loved, and were loved, and now we lieIn Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

John Mc Crea

Just Another Boring Day

Things I found during the move -
stocking stuffers from last Christmas that were apparently very well hidden
a way cool box of 'stuff ' that once belonged to my Dad
letters that Jessica wrote to Shawn and I when she went away to camp in Kentucky
a (preumably) human bone, that we promptly turned over to the authorities to be forensically tested.
I wonder if this is reason behind the many strange going - ons at the Duke Street house?

Is It Real?

Since Halloween is nearly here I thought that I would post some of my favourite ghost photos (from the web). I can't say for certain if these photos are real, but you all know where I stand on the subject. I firmly believe in them. I have had numerous experiences through the years and living in this house has been an adventure in the paranormal. I can't honestly say that I am always comfortable here when I am alone, thanks in part to my own active imagination and to what I refer to as our 'Little Girl Ghost.'
She has been responsible for many, many strange occurrences....I can't even count the number of things that have gone missing, only to turn up somewhere odd. Like, for instance, the can opener turning up in the bathroom or something that you just put down disappearing almost in front of your eyes.
About a month ago, something happened that scared the life outta me. I wanted to blog about it, but I was (am) afraid that talking about these kinds of things, writing about, dwelling upon it can only make it worse.
I was getting the laundry off of the landing leading down to the basement. There is a small cupboard hanging on the wall above the landing, and a small shelf just below that. There are skates, and shoes, skipping ropes and bubble wands on the shelf and in the closet, and on the shelf. Nothing else. Tools, extension cords, building supplies are all kept in the basement.
Imagine my shock when I was hit across the head by a heavy piece of wood with rusty nails stuck in it. It hit me so hard that I was woozy. I actually thought for a split second that I was being mugged (on my laundry pile. Oh, the humiliation) or attacked by some intruder. When the fog cleared and I could focus my eyes again, all I found was this piece of lumber.
It didn't fall from the shelf. It was never on the shelf, or in the cupboard. Nobody could even tell me where the chunk of wood came from. It hit me flat across the head, too, and I narrowly avoided a mangled nail cutting me open. Instead, I got a nasty sliver on the back on my skull that gave me an equally nasty infection. Trust me, it was bad.
The very first month or so that we moved in weird things were happening. Cold spots. Whispers (I heard some last night). My dryer, which is nearly brand new and is in perfect working condition, has been known to turn off/on by itself.
The dogs absolutely will NOT go into the basement. Ever. They stand at the top of the stairs and cry while I do the laundry. Shawn actually got locked in the back room when there is no possible way to lock the door from the inside. It only locks on the outside, with one of those old fashioned slidey things.
The new house feels safe. I don't get that sick to my stomach feeling when I walk in, the way that I do here some days.
I will miss this little house. It holds a lot of wonderful memories for me - for all of us. KC has moved out, and the new house will probably never feel like home to her. Her bedroom is here, the late night Buffy-a-thons were here, Pork Chop is buried here, in this yard.
Hopefully, our Girly Ghost will stay here, too. We won't miss her.

Laugh For The Day

Testicle Therapy -
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are still packing and purging, and as much as I hate the packing part, the purging feels good. I have given away every single thing that I haven't needed, from bags and bags of clothing, to furniture, to the fridge that we will no longer need.
The new place is coming along nicely. The kitchen cupboards are waiting to be painted, but the house is ready otherwise. Kayla has been playing happy homemaker and setting it up the way that she likes. I don't mind at all, that kid should be an interior decorator. Seriously.
I guess that I best get my butt in gear. I have so much left to do not much energy to do it.
Sigh..

All Growed Up

Stuff

So much to do, but it is windy and wet outside, so I am stalling. I am still in my nightie, thinking of things that need to be done instead of actually doing them.
Shawn and I decided to redo the kitchen cupboards at the new place. They are a hideous, sticky, greasy, 80's throw back mess. I have a feeling that I may have taken on a project that is bigger than it looks. There must be 25 years of ick on those cupboard doors. They need to be sandblasted or something before I can even think of painting. Yuck.
Kayla has been painting her butt off. The girls' tv room is now a light pink instead of an almost white. The owner had painted, but he painted over wallpaper and you could still see the border going around the room, under the watery white. Jessica is less than thrilled about pink, but it was a mistint, and half price. That makes pink my favourite colour of the moment.
Shawn and I spent half of the day yesterday waiting for the cable/phone guy to come by yesterday, only to find out at about noon that the appointment had been cancelled. We were only sitting in the new place for four hours. Actually, I spent most of that time hanging out on the only piece of furniture that we have there - an air mattress. Shawn did home improvements while we waited - like fixing the door casings, which were so off kilter that none of the doors closed properly.
Tomorrow will be an even busier day. Kayla is having her graduation ceremony! I have no idea why the high school holds the grad in October. It makes is infinitely more difficult for the grads that are attending college to come back. They always hold them on Thursdays, too.
Kayla doesn't want to dress up. She will be wearing a cap and gown, so she sees no need to put on anything fancy underneath, were nobody will ever see it. Lol. She is my girl, after all. I would like to buy her some new shoes, though. Converse, of course. No heels for my baby.
It seems like only yesterday that we were celebrating KC's graduation. I can still barely believe that she almost done her third year of college. (Well, she finished advertising and then went back for dental assisting). She is now doing her externship with our family dentist.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that Heidi and Jethro can make it...They are out of town packing up their own house, getting ready for a move of their own.
Grandma Lynn had knee surgery, and she is kicking ass with her recovery, but is still not quite ready for a night out. Kayla is so upset that Gramma can't make it..I can't even tell you how sad she is.
In more Kayla news, she asked me last night if I would be upset about Geoff being a part of her life again. Umm, no, not really, but I just know that he will not be able to make this commitment to her. It has been almost 10 years since our separation and subsequent divorce, and he has made zero effort to see his kids. I have not blocked him in any way, this has been his choice.
I know that Kayla is 18 now, but she wears her heart on her sleeve, and I will be heartbroken for her if this does not work out. I seriously doubt that it can. Geoff has a wife that makes life hell for everyone around her. There is not person in the family that likes her. In fact, most of the family refuses to even allow her into their homes. I hate that things have turned out this way.
I wanted things to be so different when we parted ways. I wanted the girls to have Geoff in their lives, but it just didn't work out that way.
Anyway, I don't know if I will ever be prepared to share celebrations with Geoff, but I have no problem with Kayla going out for coffee with him. I just hope and pray that it works out this time.
So, that's life in a nutshell. Jessica is doing well, she is tall and rosy cheeked, looking like a million bucks. We are knee deep in boxes and trying to purge the garbage that we don't need out of our lives. Easier said then done, in all reality.
Kayla will soon be an official high school graduate, we will be in a new home, with a fresh start, and hopefully life will get back to what passes as normal in our house.

Communication Breakdown

I hate moving. No, I mean, I really detest it. Big time.
We have to be out of here by the 31st of this month. It is sneaking up on me and as usual, I am ill prepared.
We do have another place to call home. It is 3 bedrooms, with a den, and an en suite set up for our main floor master bedroom. The rent is more expensive, of course, but that is what you get when you rent a place with central air and a built in dishwasher. I'm not complaining about the rent, mind you. We looked at some really interesting houses before we found this one.
There was the house for $1400 a month. It was an old Victorian-type place with a large living room, rotting floorboards and no driveway. Not just a missing driveway, but no place to even stop your car to unload groceries. It was on a hill so steep that climbing the cement stairs would have been like climbing a ladder in an old musty barn. (Trust me, I know about these things).
There was another house on the same road, that was advertised as a 4 bedroom with a large yard. What the ad failed to mention was that the owner(s) wanted to keep the living room for their own use. A home office in what would have been MY home.
Oh, but that's not a problem, is it???
There was another place that was cute as a button. Sweet fenced in yard, huge shed (fort) and the bikers that lived next door? Oh not Lance Armstrong kinda bikers, but patch wearing, beer swilling, dirt bag kinda bikers. The garbage spilled out of the house and into the yard next door - our potential space. The home owner also wanted to use the shed (fort) and basement to store HIS stuff, so umm...where would mine go?
There was the 50's style bungalow on a quiet street with parking for 4 vehicles. Oh,and don't mind the guy in the basement.

Sigh..
You can see what I was up against when Kayla found the cute lil war time home on kijiji. I called one second after the listing posted. (No kidding, I really did) and made an appointment for the next day. I liked the hard wood floors and the fact that my wee lil nephew Ryder and my kinda sorta niece Claire would have room to play and run in the back yard. I loved the brand new bathrooms (BOTH of em!) and the fact that the fridge was huge and much newer than my own. The landlord seemed to be very professional, congenial, and easy to deal with. He even agreed to let us break our last months rent deposit up into three payments so that we could afford this move.
We signed the lease and we given the keys on the 19th of September...So, like a spazz, I actually moved a few things in. Just some basics - a couple of gallons of paint, rollers, paint trays, some bed linens (ready for the 1 st night without searching), food for Jessica, (always have to be prepared when you have a diabetic in the house), some new towels, etc.
Imagine my surprise when Kayla and I stopped by the house a few days ago to find all of stuff gone. Oh, wait, they left the brand new shower curtain behind. I guess that it wasn't the right style for someone...
Yup, it was all gone, the paint, my bedding, all of it. When Shawn called the landlord (after a frantic call from me) he was told that the land lord thought that it was all...garbage.

Huh?

Brand spanking new towels, paint, candles, everything except my bedding, still in the package was garbage?
So, of course, thinking that it was garbage, the food was eaten, the paint supplies were used, the candles went missing, and my king sized bed sheet was used as a drop cloth.

A drop cloth!

It has taken two days and several phone calls to get our things back. My bed sheet is still paint stained, the paint supplies are used, and the candles are open....oh, but I did get a brand new package of juice boxes, two bags of crackers and some potted Mums for the garden.

I am still seething.

This was nothing more than a blatant invasion of privacy, and, as far as I am concerned, a case of theft. We have already signed the lease and given the owner our money.
We are BROKE. I have $30 to my name and I have no way of paying for another house in the next 4 ish weeks. It would take weeks, at the very least, to get our money back in court ( I am reasonably certain that we would win in court..Sounds like theft is a lease breaker to me) but that does little to help us in the here and now.

I hope that this was some kind of fluke. I do. I want to get into this new home and make it my own. I just need my privacy and a sense of security. My mental health depends upon it.

I really, truly, hope that this was just a case of miscommunication and not a sign of things to come.

Craigslist - The Truth About Daisy

I found this ad whilst perusing the ads on Craigslist. It is a real ad..Poor Daisy. I wonder where she is now.
The Truth about Daisy - ItalGreyhound/Chihuahua Mix 4 a Good Home.


Date: 2009-07-02, 8:37PM PDT
Okay, so I have tried to get rid of my dog like six times on craigslist over the past few weeks. I tried telling this story of woe about this adorable little dog and how I love her so much and how she was a rescue and all that. I explained that now with a 2 year old daughter it is just too much to have two dogs and how my family and I need to simplify cuase we live in a condo and life is hard -- so sad. All of this is pretty much true and I tried to make the language in my past postings as well without spilling the beans about what the real story is with this dog because if most people knew, there is no way they would take this little freak. Like I said, everything described above is for the most part true except for the part about me loving her so much; I don't. I hate her. And while many who meet her find her very adorable, the truth is, this dog is seriously problematic. So after having tried to post something nice about this dog in my attempt to rid myself of her, I am now going to just be brutally honest and hope that there is some freak out there who will find it an appealing prospect to own and care for a poo eating, garbage toppling, pill popping (literally a whole bottle of prescription pain killers), disrespectful, not trained at all, constantly under-foot, marginally violent, always surly, rarely happy, eating and begging machine. Below I have compiled a list which is only but a sampling of the things Daisy does regularly that makes her truly the worst dog I have ever owned. I would go into detail, but she is not worth the time. Daisy is the worst dog in part because she::
1. Eats poo -- baby (as in diaper -- see below), chicken, human, cat, dog, etc.
2. Drags poo -- as in she brings it inside, such as the diapers that used to end up shredded to pieces on our bed
3. Eats garbage -- Any trash can and its contents left in her reach will be toppled and destroyed 4. Opens the refrigerator -- I have to have a Velcro strap on it to keep her out otherwise she will open the door less than 30 seconds after I leave and eat everything in it
5. Is mean -- Simply put, she has no use for people, unless of course they have food
6. Will not die -- run over by a truck, $2,500 and 8 weeks of intensive recovery, run over by a Buick and rolled 7 times right in front of me then got up and ran to my car and hopped in the seat happy as a clam and no injuries
7. Rolls in dead animals -- Seals are her favorite it seems, but dead rotten earthworms are a close second place for her
8. Constantly, constantly, constantly begs -- I cannot write the word constantly enough to adequately make the point
9. Growls, threatens to attack and at times does -- Mainly tied to her small size and constant fear of being squashed, thankfully her teeth are dull as posts and her bite, which is rare, is harmless
10. Not at all obedient -- Will not sit, stay, or come (unless food is involved, but that is hopefully clear by now)
11. Picks fights she cannot finish -- This then puts our other dog at risk cause he goes out to protect her when she has cornered a cat, skunk (yes twice) or whatever else she comes across 12. Has serious gastrointestinal issues -- Primarily related to her constant begging and eating of garbage, scraps and poo
13. Injures self often -- In addition to the major issues mentioned above requiring surgery and extended medical care ($6-9K so far) she also has a bad leg which is just an ongoing thing that does not need to be addressed the vet says. I thought it fitting to stop at 13 given how unlucky I have been to have this dog in my life. These are just a few of the key flaws I could come up with off the top of my head. There are many more which I could list, but I am hungry and I need to cook my steak now. It is a steak that she will have no part of, I promise you this. So there it is. The truth about Daisy. I hate her guts. She has put me through hell in the past couple days especially and I am now at the point to where if I cannot find her a good home by Monday, I am taking her sorry fat ass to the pound and leaving her with a sizable donation to cover the pain and suffering that they will have to endure by accepting her. While I do very much hate this dog, I do love animals and don't want her to suffer. My daughter who is only 2 also loves her very much and I could not look her in the eye if I did not do a good job of finding this rotten wretch a home that I knew was going to at least care for her and make her comfortable. This is why the pound is my last option. You however, can be Daisy's hero. Save her from the life which I know I am in many ways at fault for creating. I know it is a life where she is not happy and my family and I certainly are not happier because of her. I know I should not have adopted her from that nice animal rescue in Filmore all those years ago. I should have put her in obedience school; should have, could have, would have, oh the regrets! boo hoo. Be that hero, in the words of Michael Jackson: Make that change. I dare you. If you can't take her, help me find some poor sap that will. Email me and I will get back to you. Pics are below. She is about 13 pounds and 9 years old. Walks okay on a leash -- at least she's got that going for her.
Location: Santa Barbara

I just lost my post cuz Blogger ate it. Or something.
Sometimes, Blogger just plain sucks.

Also, I just saw Kanye West on the Much Music Video Awards. He is the biggest douchebag EVER.

We are heartbroken. Tom Savini cancelled and Bruce Campbell was unreachable. There were tickets that you had to buy, to even get in line to get an autograph. It was $50. I expected it to be pricey, but good grief, I didn't think that I would have to take out a bank loan for the frigging thing. Obviously, since I didn't win the Bruce Campbell lottery, all I got were photos, I never got to meet him :(

All of the actors let you come right up and say hello, they will even chat with you. Nope, not Bruce. We did get to hang with Emma Caufield for a bit. She even let us take her photo - for free!

Check out Spock. How good does he look? Seriously.

I am bummed out about Bruce, but we still had a great time. I just can't help but wonder who will be there next year??

OMG

Tomorrow is the fan expo in Toronto. KC, Spencer, Kayla, Jessica and I heading to The Big City to meet some of our fav celebs including Bruce Campbell, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer alumnus Emma Caufield.

I have a feeling that my darling daughter KC will not be able to keep her composure. I'll let you all know. I will leave you with photos of last years Sci Fi Con until I get back.

Playgrounds are just death traps in primary colours. That is all.

He's Back.

There is so much that I want to blog about - to share with my friends, but I am, once again, on the defensive because my stalker has returned.
I don't know what is so incredibly fascinating about me.
My life is actually pretty boring, same old same old. I suppose that my stalker has no life of his own. Maybe his life is so boring that he needs to create drama.
Dunno.
I just know that even my kids are edge and for their sakes, as well as my own, I can't share some things right now.
I might need to make my blog private - an idea that I have been tossing around for some time now. I have resisted thus far because I have buddies that are blogless, but stop by now and again anyway.
All I know is that if aRsehole Stalker wants info, he'll have to look elsewhere.
Or find a new hobby.

Remind Me Not To Work Here

WWSD

What would Shawn do?

What would you do?

I submit this for your consideration, a true story of something that happened to Shawn just about a week ago on his way home from work.

It was Friday (Saturday?) evening, and Shawn was at a transfer point on his way home from a long days work. He was at the downtown transportation centre, where the buses meet, come and go, to a variety of places in the region. Most days it is quiet enough, but some evenings, it is a rowdy, downright seedy locale. This particular evening, it was flat out chaos.

As Shawn watched from the bus window, a security guard (who had already subdued the teen in question, for whatever reason) was slamming the kids head off of the curb, trying to get him to release the kids' clenched fist.
Now, I have no idea what was in the boy's hand, neither does Shawn. Shawn can say, that it was not a gun, or a knife, or any type of weapon. It was completely enclosed in his hand, not visible to anyone.

The boy was on the ground, not resisting, but the security guard still felt the need to slam this kids head off of the curb several times, just for the hell of it, I suppose.

It was at about this point that a small crowd has gathered and Shawn decided to egress the bus and see what exactly was going on.

I want to stress this fact:
When Shawn got off of the bus, there was NO police presence, just the security guard and the kid, and a few onlookers.

Shawn called out to the (in)security guard to stop, and leave the kid alone. See, here in Canada, you can't just assault someone because you wear a special vest with a crest on it. It just doesn't work like that.

As Shawn was standing there, somebody came from behind, and without speaking or indentifying himself, grabbed his arm, as if it swing him around. Shawn reacted, and pulled the wrist that was grabbing at him, twisting it outward to hold the guy off.

Imagine his surprise when he turned to look at the offeneder, only to find a cop, with his gun pointed directly at his head.

I have replayed this in my head, over and over, rewinding it as if it were a movie...I can see it all clearly, I can see Shawn's reaction, the look of sheer panic and terror on the face of the kid, see the small crowd running for cover as the police officer pulls his gun and points it at Shawn.

I still can't say that Shawn did anything wrong. We have both intervened in cases like this before. I once jumped into the middle of a knife fight because nobody other than an elderly woman was helping the person that was being attacked. It all happened so fast - I really just reacted more than acted, you know? It was just an instinct. I was willing to let the dumb ass kids fight it it out, but an innocent lady was added to the melee, I couldn't stand by.

I don't think that this is much different. I wish that someone had been there to interrupt the mugging in January with Jessica and her friend.

This time however, Shawn, the man I love, came thisclose to being shot.
Is it just me, or is this officer of the law a wee bit trigger happy? I dunno...I guess that since he didn't actually pull the trigger, I can't say that. I just think that the whole thing was wrong. It went down like a script in a bad movie.
Since when does a cop come up from behind and grab a man, an innocent bystander, without identifying himself? Would it not have made more sense to announce his presence, LOUDLY, to the group that had gathered?

Here's what really rubs me.
This officer was wrong. Flat out WRONG. Not only did he not apologize to Shawn (scared the life outta him) but Shawn was made to apologize to the cop - over and over.

There was paper work - an 'incident' report was filed, but we have heard nothing else about this. I always thought that there was an investigation whenever a police officer pulled his gun.
I guess not.

I don't know if Shawn getting off the bus made a difference. Maybe that security guard would have done worse if Shawn had just turned away. I don't know. I will never know.
The one thing that I do know is that I am proud of Shawn for doing the right thing, it just scares the hell out of me that it could have cost him his life.


What Would You Do ?

Update

When Jessica and her friend were swarmed at the mall in January, I really didn't expect much to come of the subsequent police investigation. I thought that maybe the two girls involved (the girls that actually attacked Jessica and her pal, the others, three boys, just kind of stood around and acted as look out) would get a slap on the wrist.
Honestly, I was just happy that the police took us seriously enough to make a report and look for the girls. The mall security certainly didn't do much about the incident until they were notified by the police. They brushed my phone call off quickly enough.

One of the girls was sentenced on July 9 th (I am waiting to hear about the other offender) and she got 18 months probation, a two year weapons ban, and, best of all? She served 52 in custody.

I am shocked. Canada has been notoriously easy on it's young offenders. There is always a publication ban (no names or photos of anyone under 18), which I personally think is bullshit. I don't care about a kid that was popped for shoplifting a sweater or a can of food, but I do want to know if a violent kid is in my neighbourhood.
Wouldn't you like to know if there were a dangerous offender living on your street? Is a rapist any less dangerous if he/she is under 18?

There won't be any names published in this case. I know the girls names, I have not told anyone else who they are, but I am ok with that. I am hoping that this is a lesson enough for these two young ladies (I use that term very loosely) and that from now on they will think about the consequences before they act again. Fifty two days would be one heck of a deterrent for me, that's for sure.

I wonder if the five dollars was worth it?

In Memoriam

January 15, 1934 - July 11, 1999.

It's been close to a week since my last post and I have no idea where the time is going. The summer is just flying by, at warp speed it seems.

Kayla was accepted to college. We had the tour on Monday and got the confirmation this morning that she is IN. I am so freaking proud that I am busting at the seams. No, really, I am.
Kayla wants to be a chef. A chef! She is following in the footsteps of her Dad and Uncle TMOC. They all love the kitchen. I avoid the place like the plague and don't even like making sandwiches for myself. Seriously. Shawn says that it just easier for him to cook cause he can't stand to see me in there crying.

Anyway, enough about my issues. This is about Kayla.
For a kid with learning disabilities that struggled through school, and generally hated every minute of it, this is amazing. Incredible.

Have I said how proud we all are of her?
I know have two daughters in college!

Tomorrow I am heading up to the coffee shop to meet an old friend from high school. We have not seen each other in about 25 years. That is a hell of a long time. I am feeling pretty ok about it though. A couple of months ago this would have been heart attack inducing, but since meeting Kim at the library a while back I have a new confidence in myself. That and some Rx meds from my shrink :)

Shawn is another story...He is bored to tears and wants to be back at work, now. He has gone back for a couple of days here and there, but the pain is just too much and the doctor wants him to stay off his leg as much as possible. His appointment with the specialist is in November. Gah. Sometimes I wonder if time is standing still, the wait is never ending. Other days, I marvel at how quickly it all passes.

I am planning a trip to Colorado this autumn, to see my sister, Kelly. I have never used her real name before, but have always called her Lucky, the nickname that TMOC and I call her. Thing is, she hasn't been so lucky recently. She has gotten along fine for years without me, but my well tuned sister radar tells me that she could use a (large) shoulder to lean on. I can't get there any sooner, for practical and financial reasons, but I am going to move heaven and earth to get there before Thanksgiving.

Friday will be the 10 th anniversary of my Dad's death (and marks the 13 th for Kelly's Mom).
I think that I will try to spend the day doing something that my Dad loved. It feels like the right way to honour him, ya know? I'm not sure what that will be yet, but I will think of something.

Long Lost Sisters?

40

I am exhausted! I had more fun than should be legally allowed with my family.
It's been a pretty good start to 40 so far................

Bruno, Bumble and Lola, caught playing in the tub.

Molly/Bella and her new mom.

The new love of my life, baby Ryder.

Yesterday I spent some time at the cemetery with my Dad, my Grossie (great grandma) and some other old friends. I don't get out there often, it's in Smallburg and I rarely venture out that way anymore. There is nothing for me since my family became fractured and my Granny passed away a few years ago.

I do like the quiet solitude of the cemetery. It's peaceful and I find myself reflecting on my life, my Dad, lost friends and loved ones while I walk the winding pathways. I always clear the clover and dirt of off the plaque for the Smallburg Board Of Trade that bares my fathers name. Seeing his name always gives me some measure of comfort... It has been nearly 10 years since he died and he has not been forgotten. His name is there for everyone to see...I like that.

Today was relatively quiet..As quiet as can be when all of my girls are at home. We don't see enough of KC - she is busy with work and school, and of course, Spencer. Shawn got a pile of gifts from the girls, and best of all, we were all in the same room. At the same time.

Kayla and Cody have two more days of high school and then they are done.

Forever.

It is so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that wee little Kayla is all grown up. She is undecided about the fall, she is wants to take something, learn something, but what is the real question. In the meanwhile she is pounding the pavement looking for work.

Cody is taking a summer school course and then is thinking of an apprenticeship. I have no idea how much longer he will be with us, but we are not pushing him out the door. We want him to have a head start and the only way that he can have that is if he has a safe, warm place to live with no worries.

Jessica is almost done grade nine. My baby. How? When? It seems unreal to me. Sometimes I wish that she were 4 again, and I was her whole world. Those days passed so quickly, at the speed of light.

Sigh.

Friday I will be 40.

I don't feel 40 and if you ask most of the people that know me, they will saw that I most certainly do not act 40. Still, there it is...

My mental health has improved expediently in these past weeks,and I am happy with where I am right now, but I still pause to wonder....

I`m not sure what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I am pretty sure this isn`t it.

Who knows what the next 40 years are going to be like? My guess is that whatever the universe has in store for me, it will be anything but boring.

Happiness Is

Hearing from an old friend that you thought had been lost to you forever - even if it is only two simple words...
Thank you.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I went back to see my shrink last week, a couple of hours before we had to get ready for Kayla's prom. I have to admit that I do feel a lot better since I have been on the new meds. They are kicking my ass as far as sleep - I can't seem to get enough - but I am a changed woman! I am no longer crying for hours on end, I actually smile now, and best of all, I have been getting out of the house - alone.
That's right friends, I have been walking the dogs all by my lonesome.
There are no words to describe how incredible it is to finally break free.

Shawn and I got FREE passes to the movies last week and saw Drag Me To Hell. I loved it. I am a huge Evil Dead fan, so this was right up my alley. We have two more free passes, but we can't decide between Up and a couple of others. I have to chose carefully - these are the last of my freebies.

There have been other things to occupy my time and keep me busy.
Last Saturday we had a visit with Heidi and her girl, Tribble. I love girl time with Heidi, and it was especially great to have her girl along. I couldn't help but look at the sweet 15 year old with the gorgeous super model smile. I wanted to tell her to smile more, but I didn't. I should have. She is such a great kid, I love to see her smile.

Shawn and I have had numerous doctor's appointments in these past few weeks. Shrinks, dentists, and a couple of specialists, too. Shawn has had an MRI, CT Scan, an ultra sound, and was checked out by a vascular surgeon. I am not certain what is happening yet, but we do know that there are no blood clots in his leg or knee. We do know that he has a large cyst behind his right knee that will most likely require surgery, but that is about all that we know right now.
I have put off discussing this with my friends, mostly because it scares the hell outta me to think of cancer or surgery, or any more time spent in the hospital. I am ready to go into full on PSW mode if I have to, but let's hope that it never comes to that.

Honestly, this change in meds could not have come at a better time. I just picture myself moping in my room, fretting about this and that. I actually feel ok.

I do.

How cool is that?

Oh, one other wee bit of news. I will turning 40 in 20 days. Not sure how I feel about that...I'll let you know. :P

Kayla`s Prom

Help!

The new meds must be working because I am crying less, and cleaning the house more.
Damn meds.

Not Crazy Enough...?

What a week it's been!

Wednesday evening found me preparing for a walk to the library, to listen to local authors reading selections of their work . It is a relatively short walk, even I can do it in about 15 minutes. I took two anti anxiety pills that KC gave me, took a deep breath, and stepped out the door.

I have not been out on my own since Jessica was in the hospital, over a year ago. I have not walked to the store, taken the dogs for a walk, or hopped on a bus alone in over a year.

My heart pounding, I made my way up the street, passing an old man in dirty trousers drinking minty green mouthwash, the corner store that is open 7 days a week (except Sundays) and the house on the corner with the red tulips and purple iris'.

I was nearly half way there before I realized that I was practically running.

No wonder I was out of breath and sweaty.

I slowed down enough to calm myself. There was nothing, after all to panic about. I was just out for a walk, heading the same library that I had been to a hundred times before to see my bestest childhood friend that I had not seen in 15 + years.

Yup. Back into panic mode.

I made it to the library with time to spare, but had heart palpitations when I couldn't find the right room.

Walking into crowded rooms is another phobia of mine.

I took the 1st open chair, which, thankfully, was right behind Kim.

Kim was the third one up, and in my opinion, the best. I have always loved Kim's work. When I lived in Nova Scotia, she wrote to me almost weekly. I would read and reread her letters over and over. I could picture myself there with her, on her school trip, at the movies, or eating lunch in the caf. Whatever she wrote, I was right there with her.

All of the authors were brilliant. I lost myself in the poetry and stories for over an hour.

We had a chance to reminisce, for a short while. It was like we were 12 years old again, although neither Harrison Ford or Christopher Atkins were mentioned even once.

Our time was too short, but I am so pleased that we reconnected.

Today was a something altogether different.

Today I saw my shrink, the elusive Dr. Soprano (as Shawn calls him).

I had a small list of things that I wanted to say:

My meds are not working, or the dosage is not enough to give me the qulaity of life that I feel I deserve

I need something to help with my anxiety. Leaving the house alone should not be so traumatizing.

I need to be monitored more closely, and more often.

Shawn helped enormously with this. He spoke for me when the words got caught in my throat, and became my advocate when the doctor told me that -

are you ready?

I am not psychotic enough!

Shawn told the doctor that I am, indeed psychotic and I should be monitored more often.

(Sniff, sniff. This is where I get a little emotional. I mean, how incredibly sweet of him to stand up for me like that).

I think what the doctor means is that most of his patients are psychotic and/or schizophrenic. While I may be crazy, I am not at a high risk for injuring myself or others.

The end result of the visit was another anti depressant, Cipralex, an anti anxiety medication that I can take every night and whenever I feel a freak out coming on, and another appoinment in two weeks.

I guess he thought that I was just crazy enough. :)

My thoughts are racing tonight. That's nothing new, it is part of the charm that comes with being bi polar. My thoughts race so often and so rapidly that I have not read a book in over a year and I have not written, I mean really written anything in just as long.

The one thing that I can stay focused on is the astonishing fact that I have three gorgeous girls. My dear friend L, and another childhood friend are mourning their daughters, and I have been rewarded with three of my own.
I just can't stop thinking of my good fortune. I can't imagine what I ever did to deserve the amazing daughters that I have, but I am eternally grateful to the powers that be for entrusting them to me.

Stuff

Jessica had a visit with her specialist today and she has gained another three pounds. Of course,
we all cheered. (I gain weight all of the time and nobody congratulates me.) She has been working hard at keeping her bg where it should be, eating right and exercising more. I am so proud of her. This has been an incredible struggle for her, but we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I see my shrink this week. I have been on my Wellbutrin for about a year now, I think. It is not working the way that it should, or I need my dose upped again. Not sure which, but I just feel so down most of the time. My manic episodes are few and far between these days. That sounds great, but the reality is that I would rather be laughing then crying. I am going to talk to him about my panic attacks, too. Maybe there is something that will help me with both.

The other big event this week is that I am going to be catching up with an old friend. Kim and I were inseparable when we were kids. We did everything together, and I got her into so much trouble. I don't know what I would have done without her during my Smallburg years.
We haven't seen each other since..1993, when her mom passed away. We have spoken on the phone, and emailed each other, but it has been 16 years since I have seen in person. Way too long, in my opinion. She is due to have her 1st baby any day, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't decide to make an early appearance.

There is one other thing. Shawn and I have to do something tomorrow that can change the course of our lives...It could be nothing, but I am worried. I have been doing the whole positive
thinking thing, but I am scared outta my mind. Do me a favour? Send us some good vibes.

Biddie x

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers out there!
I have already been given the best gift ever, and I couldn't ask for anything more.
I hope that you all have a great day, too.
Biddie x

Blessings

Today was the funeral for my friend L's daughter. I was unable to attend, as it was out of town. The death of this child has me thinking about my own life and the many blessings that I have in my life.
I have three gorgeous girls, and I know where they are and what they are doing (for the most part. No mom knows EVERYTHING).
Jessica is healthy and gaining weight, she looks incredible, and is nearly as tall as me. She has not been in the hospital in over a year (yay!) for anything other than check ups.
Our rent is paid, IN FULL. We paid off every red cent that we owed, and it feels great! We manage to pay our rent every month, on time. Whoo hoo! There was a time when that was a huge struggle for us.
Kayla is graduating from high school next month! She is going to her prom in a couple of weeks, and I am almost as excited as she is. Wait until you see the photos!
My relationship with Shawn's family has vastly improved since his sister passed away. I think that Mary would be delighted to know that we are all spending time together again. Shawn and I spend an afternoon here or there at his parents place, doing yard work, checking in on his mom, or just visiting. I like it :)
I have a wonderful circle of friends. I do. I am super close to my X mother in law, and my two - three - best friends have been there for me since I was a kid.
I am on my meds..This is huge, since it took me years to get funding and a good shrink to help me with my issues. (And there are issues!)
Then, there's Shawn. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs, to be sure, but we seem to have the kinks worked out. I have never known anyone that has challenged me, angered me, or loved me the way that he has. Yup, I love him.

Just in case you think that I am shooting sunshine out of my a$$, there are still problems. Like any other couple, we have stuff that could be better, or improved upon. I just realized that the good outweighs the bad and sometimes we have to be reminded of that.
Biddie x

Vanilla Pudding

The Vanilla pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.


As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'

& Faith

Last Wednesday my dear childhood friend, L, had a beautiful baby girl. This was a much wanted, highly anticipated second child for her and her husband.
April 29 should have been a joyous day, filled with laughter, love and tears of joy. Instead, April 29 will always be remembered as the day that Willow was born and died.

My heart is aching, breaking, filled with sadness. I don't know what to say to my friend, L, or how to comfort her.
Heck, I can't even deal with this in my head, make myself understand why this happened. This is where faith comes in, I suppose. Faith in our God, that everything happens for a reason, God works in mysterious ways, He has a plan for us and we have to be patient, blah, blah, blah.
It seems so unfair that a few short days ago I was holding a gorgeous, healthy new born baby while somewhere, a few short miles away, my friend and her family were mourning the loss of their precious gift.
It is so unfair. It's beyond tragic. I don't know how to make sense of it.
Right now, my faith is faltering.
I have no idea how L is going to ever recover. Since my faith is waning, maybe you all out there can pick up the slack for me a bit.
Please, think of L tonight and count your blessings.

Hope

Yesterday was a day of conflicting emotions. It was a roller coaster - I found myself elated, angry, feeling helpless, and sobbing into a Kleenex within hours.





The best therapy for a day like that? This little guy right here. This is our newest nephew, Ryder. Within seconds of holding him, I was intoxicated, and in love beyond belief.

There is nothing like the promise of new life to chase the blues away.

Yes, I Truly AM A Geek

The guest list for this years Sci Fi Con has just been announced. I have no idea who will be there for the Horror Expo yet, but based on the guest list so far, it is going to be amazing!

Um, excuse me? Billy Dee Williams? OMG!

Ok, deep breath.....I am counting down the days until August already!

I have had some emails letting me know that my comments aren't always showing up. I don't know why, maybe it is just a blogger glitch.

I don't feel very much like blogging these days, anyway. My family is going through some crap (there is really no other way to say it, it's just plain craptastic) and until we are all a happy family unit, my heart won't be in it.

Biddie x

What A Week

I am more than thrilled to be starting a new week and leaving the last one in the dust! Whew! It seemed to go on and on and on....

Kayla and I went shopping for prom dresses and we actually found one in the 1st store that we went to! Well, to be completely honest, she has already been out looking with KC, but this was our 1st trip out. The dress is gorgeous, and of course Kayla looks incredible. And why not? Shopping with Kayla is like playing Barbies. She is tiny and beautiful and looks great in nearly everything. The best part was that the dress was in our price range and it needs almost zero tweaking to make it perfect for her.
I spent an insane amount of time crying. I logged in 8 hours on Thursday. Eight freaking hours. I just could not stop...Or, I would stop, only to start again over something silly (like not being able to find any of my journals) and then it was like a faucet had been turned on. Gah. I hate that. I sit in my room, and think crazy thoughts. What if`s and the like. I seldom do anything drastic anymore - I used to cut myself. It was a way to focus the pain, to make the pain make sense. I mean, of course, a cut up arm is going to sting and bleed, and I understand why. My heart, on the other hand is a complete mystery. I can`t put polysporin on that sucker to make it heal.
Thank goodness I am not a drinker. I don`t do drugs, either, although I do admit to taking an anti anxiety that KC gave me when we were on our way to Harrow. It didn`t help much, but at least it gave me a reprieve from the sobbing.

Bumble left on Friday. He is with KC, at Spencer's house. Most people are shocked when I tell them that KC really doesn`t live here anymore. She lives at Spencer`s house. It happened so slowly that we were all surprised when it finally dawned on us that she had moved out. She just spent less and less time here. I still see her most days, because she comes home after school.
Anywhoo, I miss the little jerk. Oh, Bumble, not KC, lol, although I miss her too :) Now that we have three dogs of our own, we decided that KC should spend more time with her boy, and give us all a bit of a break from Bum. He is high energy, silly and gets the pups all worked up until I have three dogs doing laps up and down my stairs. (Ruby rarely joins in. She mostly keeps busy with her toys, she is far too lady like to be running amuck).
He will be back, and he will be here for most of the week, but I still miss him crazy-like. He is my shadow and follows me everywhere. He gets up early with Shawn and they watch the news together.

Shawn and I went to see Monsters Vs Aliens on the weekend. In 3D. I laughed my butt off and that is exactly what I needed. Shawn looked hilarious in those horn rimmed glasses and that

alone was worth the admission. The movie was great, but more importantly, we had some alone time. I think that we both really, really, needed it.

Oh, Cody got a job, too. He gave us some money out of his first pay, without even being asked. He is a good kid, I just wish that his mom could see that.

That`s all I`m gonna say about that.

So, the week is starting anew and we have much to look forward to. Ruby Tuesday turns 3 on Tuesday. That means a new squeaker toy and some treats. It also means that I might get talked into baking a cake. Kayla loves cake and will use just about any occasion as a reason to eat one.

The kids have a holiday on Friday, which means that I just may be able to talk Jessica into watching some more episodes of Dexter with me.

Oh, and the best part of the up coming week? Shawn has promised to finally get some repairs done around the house. The door that he installed last June (yes, you read that right..JUNE) still needs some trim and never mind the kitchen. I have a whole weeks worth of work in there for him.

Well, on that note, I better get moving. I still have laundry to fold and it`s getting late. When will I ever learn to start it in the morning instead of midnight???

Better-ish

Today is better..Somewhat.

There is no one thing that has made me feel this way. Oh sure, there are money problems, and relationship issues, and all of the everyday stuff that gets you down.

I just can't seem to shake the doom and gloom that is a constant companion of mine.

I know that it will get better...I just have to keep telling myself that.

I can't remember the last time that I felt this hopeless. I just can't think of anything else to say.
It's that bad.

Nothing Like Back Breaking Work To Make You Feel Alive

Shawn and I went to his parents house today to do some yard work. Actually, I went along to watch Shawn do some yard work, but somehow I got roped into it, too.
I didn't mind, to be honest. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, it was nice enough to wear short sleeves, and hey, spring is finally here!
Now, I just need to get up the gumption to work on my own yard.

Just feeling overwhelmed with stuff. Life in general, really. Too much to say tonight, instead of having nothing, I have everything to say. I'm not even sure if that makes sense.....I am just going to post these photos, more of my fav's from my trip to see my Aunt and Uncle.

Maybe things will be better tomorrow.

Biddie xx